Vicky Pollard, Little Britain
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Melissa Chufflebotham said I liked parmesan but OH MY GOD do not believe her because she only likes it ‘cause she got off with Raven McGee and he smells like it because he’s always smoking those menthol fags, anyway, Brie’s rank because once Brian Fitzpatrickwilliamdarcy got pissed on like, three tequila shots and aimed at my mouth ‘cause all the guys wanna get off with me ‘cause I’m dead hot.
*pause*
Dairylea, innit.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Gawd, my kids loved that, right, yeah? And I was always like ‘OH MY GOD turn it off I wanna watch the Teletubbies.’ And they were like yeah, but no, but yeah but no but right cause you always forget to feed us so we get first telly choice and that got right on my tits so I swapped them for Westlife CDs.
3. What time is it where you are?
Shut up! That’s what the police say when they pull us in! Last time, it were Suzanne Lee because her and Emma Chardonnay were having a huge catfight, right, because Allan said he’d only got enough money for twenty pints and they wanted to split it 100/0 but the police arrived and one started looking at me so I went ‘OOOH MY GOD, don’t go giving me the evils!’ but he was probably trying to look at me ‘cause I used to be the sexiest dancer at Spearmint Rhino and if you don’t believe it’s cause you’re jealous.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I don’t know nothing or nothing about any of these people, OH MY GOD did Steff tell you about the time I went to that party and all them dead hot footballers got off with me but I didn’t know their names because of kiss and tells? Were them their names? Cause I think I got up the duff so they all owe my child support. Don’t listen to Steff because all she ever does is buy coke but not even the real stuff so if you ask her to get you a gramme she’ll get you a can. OH MY GOD I soooo can’t believe you just said that about her! I’ll tell her and her gang’ll do you in.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Yeah, but, yeah, but no but yeah but no but right, it’d be called ‘Tits’ cause my middle name’s Titania, innit, and I’ve got great ones and I bet you want me, all of you, but you can’t have me because I’m really in love with my boyfriend Dave except from when I shagged James last week but that doesn’t count ‘cause he’s Irish.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
He can see Fred while I have George and then we can swap and I can sell my story to The Daily Sport and I’ll become famous like Chantelle Robinson who got famous because she threw up on Gazza’s shoes once and everyone laughed at her, more than when we found out Harriet was an orphan.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If you get rid of it by feeding it to your mates when they’re rat-arsed, then you get rid of it twice as fast-I think, I failed maths seven times-except if they chuck it up like Marianna did when she was shagging Wahim in the loos and I walked in and was like OH MY GOD PUT YOUR DISGUSTING MANGRY BODY AWAY everyone knows Wahim’s hot for me but then she spewed all over the sanitary towel bin and it was full of ink and she had to get her stomach pumped.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
(This question has been left blank.)
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
*pause*
You can have a look at my fanny.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______V______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ________V___.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____V_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _______V______"
Melissa Chufflebotham said I liked parmesan but OH MY GOD do not believe her because she only likes it ‘cause she got off with Raven McGee and he smells like it because he’s always smoking those menthol fags, anyway, Brie’s rank because once Brian Fitzpatrickwilliamdarcy got pissed on like, three tequila shots and aimed at my mouth ‘cause all the guys wanna get off with me ‘cause I’m dead hot.
*pause*
Dairylea, innit.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Gawd, my kids loved that, right, yeah? And I was always like ‘OH MY GOD turn it off I wanna watch the Teletubbies.’ And they were like yeah, but no, but yeah but no but right cause you always forget to feed us so we get first telly choice and that got right on my tits so I swapped them for Westlife CDs.
3. What time is it where you are?
Shut up! That’s what the police say when they pull us in! Last time, it were Suzanne Lee because her and Emma Chardonnay were having a huge catfight, right, because Allan said he’d only got enough money for twenty pints and they wanted to split it 100/0 but the police arrived and one started looking at me so I went ‘OOOH MY GOD, don’t go giving me the evils!’ but he was probably trying to look at me ‘cause I used to be the sexiest dancer at Spearmint Rhino and if you don’t believe it’s cause you’re jealous.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I don’t know nothing or nothing about any of these people, OH MY GOD did Steff tell you about the time I went to that party and all them dead hot footballers got off with me but I didn’t know their names because of kiss and tells? Were them their names? Cause I think I got up the duff so they all owe my child support. Don’t listen to Steff because all she ever does is buy coke but not even the real stuff so if you ask her to get you a gramme she’ll get you a can. OH MY GOD I soooo can’t believe you just said that about her! I’ll tell her and her gang’ll do you in.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Yeah, but, yeah, but no but yeah but no but right, it’d be called ‘Tits’ cause my middle name’s Titania, innit, and I’ve got great ones and I bet you want me, all of you, but you can’t have me because I’m really in love with my boyfriend Dave except from when I shagged James last week but that doesn’t count ‘cause he’s Irish.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
He can see Fred while I have George and then we can swap and I can sell my story to The Daily Sport and I’ll become famous like Chantelle Robinson who got famous because she threw up on Gazza’s shoes once and everyone laughed at her, more than when we found out Harriet was an orphan.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If you get rid of it by feeding it to your mates when they’re rat-arsed, then you get rid of it twice as fast-I think, I failed maths seven times-except if they chuck it up like Marianna did when she was shagging Wahim in the loos and I walked in and was like OH MY GOD PUT YOUR DISGUSTING MANGRY BODY AWAY everyone knows Wahim’s hot for me but then she spewed all over the sanitary towel bin and it was full of ink and she had to get her stomach pumped.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
(This question has been left blank.)
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe.
*pause*
You can have a look at my fanny.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. ______V______
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ________V___.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ____V_______.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _______V______"