WART 53: Completely Unintentional!
*masculine voice, American in accent, is picked up mid-conversation* ... so it has to either be Maui or Oahu. But let's just listen to that song I was telling you about with all the island names in it. *goes to rummage for it* Okay, found it. *goes to play song, has no idea they are broadcasting*
Beach Boys, "Kokomo" [lyrics]
*a clear female voice, alto, with a distinct but unplaceable accent* *nonplussed* That was quite the caterwauling list of island names. I tell you Moahu is a real island and I have been there. Whether your yowling modern singers have heard of it is none of my affair.
Man: I'm sure it's real, I don't think you imagined it. I just think someone named it wrong. And the Beach Boys are loved by millions and considered very influential to rock and pop music, I'll have you know. That was one of their top hits when I was in school!
Woman: When you were in school ... Are you not in school now? *pauses* ... You mean to say, in your time -- in the year from whence you came here.
Man: Yes, that's what I meant. Might as well play more while we're here, there's stuff in the studio I don't have, just like with the Kokomo song. *gets up and rummages a bit, then returns* Okay, let's see what you think of this. *is trying to hide a grin*
Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" [lyrics]
Woman: *a long silence, then, muffled:* That is simply awful. I cannot think of another word for it. Also, sugar feeds yeast. The woman whom the singer addresses would find herself prone to unpleasant infections if she were to follow the singer's importuning in a literal sense before granting his figurative request. I hope you have no intention of requesting sugar be poured on you now that you are in a male form. Really, it is out of the question.
Man: *is laughing very hard, the sound deep and amused* No, I don't want sugar on me, I think it would be really grainy, like sand. I really don't think that would be a gesture in the name of love, I promise. More like a gesture in the name of strange, but definitely not love.
Woman: It sounds to be liquid sugar, if it is pourable. Something along the lines of syrup ... which would be even worse. Please play something else to clear the mental palate.
Man: ... You really have to stop bringing up the syrup, especially now. Okay, let's try something without innuendo.
George Harrison, "Got My Mind Set On You" [lyrics]
Woman: That song does lack innuendo. It also lacks a good deal else.
Man: *sigh* Okay, fine. *flips through what he's holding* Ooo, I'm going to play The Bangles, one of my favorite all-women bands. This song has a dance that goes with it.
The Bangles, "Walk Like An Egyptian" [lyrics]
Woman: I have been in one or two of Egypt's port cities. At least your song does not contradict the existence of Egypt, which, might I add, is just as real as Moahu. Apart from the place's existence, that entire song is nonsense. Egyptians walk just as do the rest of us. They are human and therefore bipedal.
Man: *facepalm* They aren't saying they walk on their hands or anything, just this pose *strikes the pose for a minute* Oh, nevermind. Well, here's my favorite Bangles song, then we'll listen to some other things.
The Bangles, "Eternal Flame" [lyrics]
Man: *sings along for a moment and then stops when it just sounds way too weird in the masculine voice*
Woman: *is quietly laughing, and trying in vain to stop laughing*
Man: What exactly is so funny?
Woman: *coughs -- a demure little sound, in this voice* Nothing. Nothing in life. Pray put on another song. They amuse me. *coughs again*
Man: *scowls, though it comes off pouty, because he really likes that song* Oh, I'll definitely play another one.
George Michael, "I Want Your Sex" [lyrics]
Woman: *splutters now* Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. That was commonly heard at your school? An institution of higher learning?
Man: Yes, very common, very popular. We even sang it in the dining hall during meals sometimes. *is lying about the 'we' part, others singing that song actually embarrassed him* It was quite a sight, right in our pajamas singing that song over cereal at breakfast.
Woman: ... Now I see why you are so forward. *buries face in hands, is utterly appalled*
Man: *reaches out and pats her shoulder* I'm teasing, I never actually did that. Well, singing that song in the dining hall or anywhere else at least. I did go to breakfast in my t-shirt and pajama pants, but I've told you that before.
Woman: *is completely speechless all the same*
Man: Oh, it's not that bad, besides you like me forward, right? *brushes back her hair and kisses the side of her head*
Woman: I have heard more modest singing in Javanese brothels.
Man: ... Oh, have you now? So what kind of songs do they sing in brothels? *sits back, arms crossed over chest* You should sing one right now.
Woman: *realises too late that letting him know she's ever been in a brothel is a bad idea, and explaining why she was there would entail betraying Admiralty secrets* The political situation there was interesting. I will spare you the singing.
Man: Why? You probably have a decent singing voice as a woman... or were you too busy to remember the lyrics?
Woman: *is in for it now* When one is playing cards for sufficiently high stakes one does not devote much thought to memorising songs in foreign languages.
Man: So you were in a brothel... gambling? Not... *gestures* enjoying the occupants?
Woman: Have you moral objections to gambling?
Man: Not at all. Did you win?
Woman: Always.
Man: *grins* Then good for you. I'd do it, but I don't even know how to play poker. *looks her over* So you really just gambled in the brothel?
Woman: I could teach you to play piquet. And good God, yes. Have you any idea the diseases one could catch in such a place otherwise? Actually, properly you should not know the diseases one could catch in such a place. I think you ought to play another song.
Man: *grins widely, knows he should not care if she was sexing up women in a brothel because it was before him, but it still makes him happy* I would love it if you taught me how to play, though when you take all my money, you'll have to take pity on me and take care of me. *grins more and plays another song*
Tiffany, "I Think We're Alone Now" [lyrics]
Woman: Insipid. I will say for it that at least it does not offend.
Man: *rolls eyes* *plays another*
Debbie Gibson, "Lost in Your Eyes" [lyrics]
Woman: Were all the songs in your time either unimaginative or painfully explicit? This one, of course, falls into the category of the unimaginative. At least, I should hope it does, and is not being literal about eye matter. *peers at him* Your eyes look the same as they did before you took the potion.
Man: *tilts head and blinks at her, pleased by this revelation* Are they? I told you, I didn't do much comparison. And no, the song was not literal, just appealing to lovesick teenagers. It's only because I love you that I'm not offended you are mocking my taste in music. But, besides 'explicit' and 'unimaginative' we had great dance songs. Ooo, this one is fun at parties.
Kylie Minogue, "The Locomotion" [lyrics]
Woman: It was a dance that emulated trains?
Man: Actually, yes. Everyone got in one line, hands on the waist or shoulders of the person in front of them and danced around the room.
Woman: Was it designed to honor trains?
Man: No. It's just a dance.
Woman: It was merely inspired by trains.
Man: *groans* I guess so, yes.
Woman: *vindicated* Well, then.
Man: I bet people at Hogwarts would do the Locomotion. *plays another song*
Richard Marx, "Hold On To The Nights" [lyrics]
Woman: I suppose you will be offended if I tell you that was trite doggerel.
Man: *sighs*
Woman: Perhaps we had best go back to the laboratory now.
Man: One more! Dedicated to you, and since no one can hear this, no one ever needs to know you had an insipid song dedicated to you.
Belinda Carlisle, "I Get Weak" [lyrics]
Woman: *softly* Even like this?
Man: *nods and grabs her hand* Like this, like normal... no matter what.
Both: *silence for a while*
Man: *braces hand on console and hits a button, pulls back to look to make certain he did not hit the 'on air' button* *sees his hand is far enough away that he could not have turned anything on but... the 'on air' light is on anyhow* *curses* Please tell me I'm imagining that red light right there?
Woman: What does a red light mean? *only hosted WART once, and her co-host was manning the console, while she was passed out due to overconsumption of alcohol*
Man: *small voice* It means we're broadcasting right now.
Woman: ... Oh, bloody hell.
Man: *hushed, hand is over the microphone* I never said your name, right? And you never said mine. No one will know...
Woman: That does not mean we need continue to broadcast anything, unless you wish to brazen it out.
Man: No! I mean we can just get the hell out of here and no one will know... wait, we don't have to do requests now, do we? It's not a rule, is it?
Woman: Leave the door open. If someone wants to play requests they can damned well come in and play them themselves.
Man: Good, then lets get out of here before someone floos in.
Woman: *is amused by him opening the door for her* You are at least well-mannered. *voice trailing off as they leave*
Beach Boys, "Kokomo" [lyrics]
*a clear female voice, alto, with a distinct but unplaceable accent* *nonplussed* That was quite the caterwauling list of island names. I tell you Moahu is a real island and I have been there. Whether your yowling modern singers have heard of it is none of my affair.
Man: I'm sure it's real, I don't think you imagined it. I just think someone named it wrong. And the Beach Boys are loved by millions and considered very influential to rock and pop music, I'll have you know. That was one of their top hits when I was in school!
Woman: When you were in school ... Are you not in school now? *pauses* ... You mean to say, in your time -- in the year from whence you came here.
Man: Yes, that's what I meant. Might as well play more while we're here, there's stuff in the studio I don't have, just like with the Kokomo song. *gets up and rummages a bit, then returns* Okay, let's see what you think of this. *is trying to hide a grin*
Def Leppard, "Pour Some Sugar on Me" [lyrics]
Woman: *a long silence, then, muffled:* That is simply awful. I cannot think of another word for it. Also, sugar feeds yeast. The woman whom the singer addresses would find herself prone to unpleasant infections if she were to follow the singer's importuning in a literal sense before granting his figurative request. I hope you have no intention of requesting sugar be poured on you now that you are in a male form. Really, it is out of the question.
Man: *is laughing very hard, the sound deep and amused* No, I don't want sugar on me, I think it would be really grainy, like sand. I really don't think that would be a gesture in the name of love, I promise. More like a gesture in the name of strange, but definitely not love.
Woman: It sounds to be liquid sugar, if it is pourable. Something along the lines of syrup ... which would be even worse. Please play something else to clear the mental palate.
Man: ... You really have to stop bringing up the syrup, especially now. Okay, let's try something without innuendo.
George Harrison, "Got My Mind Set On You" [lyrics]
Woman: That song does lack innuendo. It also lacks a good deal else.
Man: *sigh* Okay, fine. *flips through what he's holding* Ooo, I'm going to play The Bangles, one of my favorite all-women bands. This song has a dance that goes with it.
The Bangles, "Walk Like An Egyptian" [lyrics]
Woman: I have been in one or two of Egypt's port cities. At least your song does not contradict the existence of Egypt, which, might I add, is just as real as Moahu. Apart from the place's existence, that entire song is nonsense. Egyptians walk just as do the rest of us. They are human and therefore bipedal.
Man: *facepalm* They aren't saying they walk on their hands or anything, just this pose *strikes the pose for a minute* Oh, nevermind. Well, here's my favorite Bangles song, then we'll listen to some other things.
The Bangles, "Eternal Flame" [lyrics]
Man: *sings along for a moment and then stops when it just sounds way too weird in the masculine voice*
Woman: *is quietly laughing, and trying in vain to stop laughing*
Man: What exactly is so funny?
Woman: *coughs -- a demure little sound, in this voice* Nothing. Nothing in life. Pray put on another song. They amuse me. *coughs again*
Man: *scowls, though it comes off pouty, because he really likes that song* Oh, I'll definitely play another one.
George Michael, "I Want Your Sex" [lyrics]
Woman: *splutters now* Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. That was commonly heard at your school? An institution of higher learning?
Man: Yes, very common, very popular. We even sang it in the dining hall during meals sometimes. *is lying about the 'we' part, others singing that song actually embarrassed him* It was quite a sight, right in our pajamas singing that song over cereal at breakfast.
Woman: ... Now I see why you are so forward. *buries face in hands, is utterly appalled*
Man: *reaches out and pats her shoulder* I'm teasing, I never actually did that. Well, singing that song in the dining hall or anywhere else at least. I did go to breakfast in my t-shirt and pajama pants, but I've told you that before.
Woman: *is completely speechless all the same*
Man: Oh, it's not that bad, besides you like me forward, right? *brushes back her hair and kisses the side of her head*
Woman: I have heard more modest singing in Javanese brothels.
Man: ... Oh, have you now? So what kind of songs do they sing in brothels? *sits back, arms crossed over chest* You should sing one right now.
Woman: *realises too late that letting him know she's ever been in a brothel is a bad idea, and explaining why she was there would entail betraying Admiralty secrets* The political situation there was interesting. I will spare you the singing.
Man: Why? You probably have a decent singing voice as a woman... or were you too busy to remember the lyrics?
Woman: *is in for it now* When one is playing cards for sufficiently high stakes one does not devote much thought to memorising songs in foreign languages.
Man: So you were in a brothel... gambling? Not... *gestures* enjoying the occupants?
Woman: Have you moral objections to gambling?
Man: Not at all. Did you win?
Woman: Always.
Man: *grins* Then good for you. I'd do it, but I don't even know how to play poker. *looks her over* So you really just gambled in the brothel?
Woman: I could teach you to play piquet. And good God, yes. Have you any idea the diseases one could catch in such a place otherwise? Actually, properly you should not know the diseases one could catch in such a place. I think you ought to play another song.
Man: *grins widely, knows he should not care if she was sexing up women in a brothel because it was before him, but it still makes him happy* I would love it if you taught me how to play, though when you take all my money, you'll have to take pity on me and take care of me. *grins more and plays another song*
Tiffany, "I Think We're Alone Now" [lyrics]
Woman: Insipid. I will say for it that at least it does not offend.
Man: *rolls eyes* *plays another*
Debbie Gibson, "Lost in Your Eyes" [lyrics]
Woman: Were all the songs in your time either unimaginative or painfully explicit? This one, of course, falls into the category of the unimaginative. At least, I should hope it does, and is not being literal about eye matter. *peers at him* Your eyes look the same as they did before you took the potion.
Man: *tilts head and blinks at her, pleased by this revelation* Are they? I told you, I didn't do much comparison. And no, the song was not literal, just appealing to lovesick teenagers. It's only because I love you that I'm not offended you are mocking my taste in music. But, besides 'explicit' and 'unimaginative' we had great dance songs. Ooo, this one is fun at parties.
Kylie Minogue, "The Locomotion" [lyrics]
Woman: It was a dance that emulated trains?
Man: Actually, yes. Everyone got in one line, hands on the waist or shoulders of the person in front of them and danced around the room.
Woman: Was it designed to honor trains?
Man: No. It's just a dance.
Woman: It was merely inspired by trains.
Man: *groans* I guess so, yes.
Woman: *vindicated* Well, then.
Man: I bet people at Hogwarts would do the Locomotion. *plays another song*
Richard Marx, "Hold On To The Nights" [lyrics]
Woman: I suppose you will be offended if I tell you that was trite doggerel.
Man: *sighs*
Woman: Perhaps we had best go back to the laboratory now.
Man: One more! Dedicated to you, and since no one can hear this, no one ever needs to know you had an insipid song dedicated to you.
Belinda Carlisle, "I Get Weak" [lyrics]
Woman: *softly* Even like this?
Man: *nods and grabs her hand* Like this, like normal... no matter what.
Both: *silence for a while*
Man: *braces hand on console and hits a button, pulls back to look to make certain he did not hit the 'on air' button* *sees his hand is far enough away that he could not have turned anything on but... the 'on air' light is on anyhow* *curses* Please tell me I'm imagining that red light right there?
Woman: What does a red light mean? *only hosted WART once, and her co-host was manning the console, while she was passed out due to overconsumption of alcohol*
Man: *small voice* It means we're broadcasting right now.
Woman: ... Oh, bloody hell.
Man: *hushed, hand is over the microphone* I never said your name, right? And you never said mine. No one will know...
Woman: That does not mean we need continue to broadcast anything, unless you wish to brazen it out.
Man: No! I mean we can just get the hell out of here and no one will know... wait, we don't have to do requests now, do we? It's not a rule, is it?
Woman: Leave the door open. If someone wants to play requests they can damned well come in and play them themselves.
Man: Good, then lets get out of here before someone floos in.
Woman: *is amused by him opening the door for her* You are at least well-mannered. *voice trailing off as they leave*