His Grace, His Excellency, The Duke of Ankh, Commander Sir Samuel Vimes
More sodding paperwork...
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Sharp cheddar. As long as it's melted and blackened and bubbling at the edges, though the buttered cheese sandwiches Cheery brought up for my lunch yesterday went down a treat. Would've been better with bacon.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I don't set out to kill people. That redhaired bugger needs to get dragged in front of the Patrician, though. Some people will make allowances for street theater. I don't think anyone would for him. And that purple monstrosity looks like something the wizards conjured up. Let them sort it out.
3. What time is it where you are?
Four in the afternoon, just about the time I've finished shoving the rest of these piles of paperwork on Pessimal. Never seen a man so happy shuffling bits of paper.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Excuse me? I'm a happily married man. Suppose you're talking about this Albwhatever, but he's a wizard, isn't he? They're not meant to get married and I've never seen one had the time for *ahem* extracurricular activities.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I'm not a barman. I don't drink. I smoke cigars. And I don't hang about in those idiotic cigar bars either.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
...Right. The only Harry I can think of is Harry King, the only Fred I can think of is damn sure not to have any interest in getting together with him in ANY fashion, and I can't think of a George off the top of my head. And I'm the world's least likely matchmaker.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Bloody hell, if I could tell you I wouldn't have the same problem. Sergeant Colon burned it all once, and I can't say as I blamed him. Just sign at the bottom where it says 'sign' and anything else, well, if it's important enough someone'll come yelling about it.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
*stares levelly* I've played a part in defusing... what, four wars. I helped kick a dragon out of my city. I kicked a great damn incarnation of vengeance out of my brain I refrain from going mad and slitting everyone's throat on a daily basis. I have -- not singlehandedly -- taken a city where justice and law and order were jokes for the naive newcomer and... well, I won't say it's a haven of law-abiding citizens, but there's damn sure someone to sort it out when things go all pear-shaped.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Bribe? I don't take 'em, and I don't make 'em Well, I have these decently good cigars -- come from Howondaland, apparently, and they've got a nice scent to 'em. I'm married to the richest woman in the city and we own a good chunk of real estate, though if you want to live in Ankh-Morpork you need your head seriously examined. And if you're a lawbreaker, I can recommend to you a whirlwind tour of our very lovely prison system. The walls are hardly moldy anymore.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Sharp cheddar. As long as it's melted and blackened and bubbling at the edges, though the buttered cheese sandwiches Cheery brought up for my lunch yesterday went down a treat. Would've been better with bacon.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I don't set out to kill people. That redhaired bugger needs to get dragged in front of the Patrician, though. Some people will make allowances for street theater. I don't think anyone would for him. And that purple monstrosity looks like something the wizards conjured up. Let them sort it out.
3. What time is it where you are?
Four in the afternoon, just about the time I've finished shoving the rest of these piles of paperwork on Pessimal. Never seen a man so happy shuffling bits of paper.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Excuse me? I'm a happily married man. Suppose you're talking about this Albwhatever, but he's a wizard, isn't he? They're not meant to get married and I've never seen one had the time for *ahem* extracurricular activities.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I'm not a barman. I don't drink. I smoke cigars. And I don't hang about in those idiotic cigar bars either.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
...Right. The only Harry I can think of is Harry King, the only Fred I can think of is damn sure not to have any interest in getting together with him in ANY fashion, and I can't think of a George off the top of my head. And I'm the world's least likely matchmaker.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Bloody hell, if I could tell you I wouldn't have the same problem. Sergeant Colon burned it all once, and I can't say as I blamed him. Just sign at the bottom where it says 'sign' and anything else, well, if it's important enough someone'll come yelling about it.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
*stares levelly* I've played a part in defusing... what, four wars. I helped kick a dragon out of my city. I kicked a great damn incarnation of vengeance out of my brain I refrain from going mad and slitting everyone's throat on a daily basis. I have -- not singlehandedly -- taken a city where justice and law and order were jokes for the naive newcomer and... well, I won't say it's a haven of law-abiding citizens, but there's damn sure someone to sort it out when things go all pear-shaped.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Bribe? I don't take 'em, and I don't make 'em Well, I have these decently good cigars -- come from Howondaland, apparently, and they've got a nice scent to 'em. I'm married to the richest woman in the city and we own a good chunk of real estate, though if you want to live in Ankh-Morpork you need your head seriously examined. And if you're a lawbreaker, I can recommend to you a whirlwind tour of our very lovely prison system. The walls are hardly moldy anymore.