Dr. Perry Cox (Scrubs)
((Hi guys, new (hopeful) player here, be gentle! ...well, not with Dr. Cox, he probably deserves your ire. But with me! I'm fragile. And I'm sorry this got long, he's kind of... wordy. XD;))
::whistles sharply:: Well now, look at what we have here. It's a whole school full of miscreants, what fun!
Okay, The truth is, I have absolutely no idea why I let myself be mindlessly coerced into doing this. Seriously, I totally zoned out at whatever horrible meeting this whole... idea of me, schooling, whatever, got brought up-- I think I was thinking of something nicer, like my ex-wife being crucified, and aaaanyhoo, the point is, I don't want to be doing this and you pro-hobably do not want me amongst you.
That said, for whatever reason--oh, there goes that daydream again about my ex-wife-- okay, sorry, for whatever reason, I'm here and I have to write one of these things, soooooo, I think instead I'm just going to read this over and tell you just what I think about this "application," because lemme tell ya, I'm pretty sure that's the only way I'm going to get out of this without actually hanging myself by my own small intestine. Here goes!
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Oh, now look here, this is just a bad, bad start. Why would you even ask a question like this, people, I mean why on God's earth? I mean, it's not just that it's dumb -- oh, and it is -- but what could you possibly learn about anyone from their answer to this question? Not to mention, there is no right answer, because the only good cheese I can think of is the kind that goes with scotch, and that's the kind that doesn't exist. It's called "ice." Next question, kids.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Mommy, Mommy, is it Christmas already!? Now this, this is a much better question, except for the fact that mentioning those names, especially in conjunction with each other, fills me with a rage which I cannot quite describe except to say that it's the sort of rage professional wrestlers only wish they could imitate as they pansy around in string bikinis on television. Point is, please let it be both?
3. What time is it where you are?
About 7:25 PM here, or juuuust about time for me to lie down and take about a fist full of sleeping pills.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
...oh, my God. No, no, no. That's very bad! That's very, very bad! Why would you even say something like that!? Why!?
5. If you are pushing to be in:
Whoa there, Nellie, hang on, I need a minute to recover from that last question. God al-mighty.
Anyway, yeah, whatever, it's not like I even know the difference between Hooters and HoJos, or whatever you cuh-razy kids call your giggly little huts-o'-fun, so I guess I'm resigned to look at all of these. Great.
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Uh-huh, so from the example I'm guessing that you Slytherins are a whole bunch of pale-faced whiners wearing your mommy's makeup and hiding juuuust out of the lights at your little club filled with black velvet and terrible alcohol so no one will ask hey, since when do vampires and/or people dying of consumption have fat deposits and acne, but it's okay because you're just SO misunderstood out there in the wide wide world full of people with lives, and one day you'll sure show them all, won'tcha, if you can manage first not to get eyeliner all over your face when you cry about it at night, in the darkity-dark-darkness. Right? Just let me know if I'm at all on target here, but in the meantime, I'm gonna have to go with "Bar Who Gives a Crap," or if you reeeally want my advice, how's about "Miss Polly's School for Girls," 'cause then you can all just sit around and braid your extensions and giggle over how to-hooootally above people with pigment in their skin you are.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Oh God, oh God, and again with the wrong! Why do you even bring these things up? I mean, you must know that bleach is actually bad for the brain, right? If you keep making me pour it into my ears, we're going to have some trouble here.
Uh, okay, so... assuming Harry is a little fruit, which I guess we are, uh... honestly, you got me, I'm just plain out of ideas on this one. You've run me dry. But I had a dog named Fred once, and he was a nice dog and I'd rather not totally destroy his memory, so let's say George.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
At least you came back with an easy one, why thank you Josephine! I can only assume that whoever wrote this one never worked at a hospital. Man oh man, if you think you got it bad, wait till you get into that weird place where bizarre quantum properties shift to assure that not only do you have paperwork at ALL times, but that you WILL be filling out the exact same forms over and over again until you either A: throw yourself off the hospital roof or B: decide to get rid of it by actually swallowing it, which will also lead to an untimely death but hey, at least some of the papers are off your desk now!
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Come on, Nancy Drew, isn't that your job? I'm the best doctor in my hospital and who knows, quite possibly anywhere, isn't that enough for you? And uh... well, I can probably drink my weight in scotch. And I have killer abs, and... uh, well, I'm really getting a lot better at controlling this little "anger problem" my shrinks say I've got. Anyway, I don't have to PROVE myself to you people like a damn INTERN or-- .... hold on, my doc gave me this thing where I count to ten if I think I might, you know, actually explode in the self-righteous rage I only seem to get when asked completely RI-DICULOUS questions like the ones I'm putting up with right now, so if you'll just give me a second here... 1... 2.... 3...
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
.................
....1... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5....
*in barely controlled tones* Pizza. I can give you pizza. 'Scuse me for juuuuuust a sec here. ::disappears behind a corner, from which the sounds of things smashing can be heard::
::returns after a moment, with a weirdly bright smile and kind of scarily glittering eyes.:: SO THEN, how DID I do? I'm just dying to find out, truly I am! Oh, I just can't wait to hear the delightful news! You like me! You really like me!
Oh, my God, let's just get this over with.
::whistles sharply:: Well now, look at what we have here. It's a whole school full of miscreants, what fun!
Okay, The truth is, I have absolutely no idea why I let myself be mindlessly coerced into doing this. Seriously, I totally zoned out at whatever horrible meeting this whole... idea of me, schooling, whatever, got brought up-- I think I was thinking of something nicer, like my ex-wife being crucified, and aaaanyhoo, the point is, I don't want to be doing this and you pro-hobably do not want me amongst you.
That said, for whatever reason--oh, there goes that daydream again about my ex-wife-- okay, sorry, for whatever reason, I'm here and I have to write one of these things, soooooo, I think instead I'm just going to read this over and tell you just what I think about this "application," because lemme tell ya, I'm pretty sure that's the only way I'm going to get out of this without actually hanging myself by my own small intestine. Here goes!
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Oh, now look here, this is just a bad, bad start. Why would you even ask a question like this, people, I mean why on God's earth? I mean, it's not just that it's dumb -- oh, and it is -- but what could you possibly learn about anyone from their answer to this question? Not to mention, there is no right answer, because the only good cheese I can think of is the kind that goes with scotch, and that's the kind that doesn't exist. It's called "ice." Next question, kids.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Mommy, Mommy, is it Christmas already!? Now this, this is a much better question, except for the fact that mentioning those names, especially in conjunction with each other, fills me with a rage which I cannot quite describe except to say that it's the sort of rage professional wrestlers only wish they could imitate as they pansy around in string bikinis on television. Point is, please let it be both?
3. What time is it where you are?
About 7:25 PM here, or juuuust about time for me to lie down and take about a fist full of sleeping pills.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
...oh, my God. No, no, no. That's very bad! That's very, very bad! Why would you even say something like that!? Why!?
5. If you are pushing to be in:
Whoa there, Nellie, hang on, I need a minute to recover from that last question. God al-mighty.
Anyway, yeah, whatever, it's not like I even know the difference between Hooters and HoJos, or whatever you cuh-razy kids call your giggly little huts-o'-fun, so I guess I'm resigned to look at all of these. Great.
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Uh-huh, so from the example I'm guessing that you Slytherins are a whole bunch of pale-faced whiners wearing your mommy's makeup and hiding juuuust out of the lights at your little club filled with black velvet and terrible alcohol so no one will ask hey, since when do vampires and/or people dying of consumption have fat deposits and acne, but it's okay because you're just SO misunderstood out there in the wide wide world full of people with lives, and one day you'll sure show them all, won'tcha, if you can manage first not to get eyeliner all over your face when you cry about it at night, in the darkity-dark-darkness. Right? Just let me know if I'm at all on target here, but in the meantime, I'm gonna have to go with "Bar Who Gives a Crap," or if you reeeally want my advice, how's about "Miss Polly's School for Girls," 'cause then you can all just sit around and braid your extensions and giggle over how to-hooootally above people with pigment in their skin you are.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Oh God, oh God, and again with the wrong! Why do you even bring these things up? I mean, you must know that bleach is actually bad for the brain, right? If you keep making me pour it into my ears, we're going to have some trouble here.
Uh, okay, so... assuming Harry is a little fruit, which I guess we are, uh... honestly, you got me, I'm just plain out of ideas on this one. You've run me dry. But I had a dog named Fred once, and he was a nice dog and I'd rather not totally destroy his memory, so let's say George.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
At least you came back with an easy one, why thank you Josephine! I can only assume that whoever wrote this one never worked at a hospital. Man oh man, if you think you got it bad, wait till you get into that weird place where bizarre quantum properties shift to assure that not only do you have paperwork at ALL times, but that you WILL be filling out the exact same forms over and over again until you either A: throw yourself off the hospital roof or B: decide to get rid of it by actually swallowing it, which will also lead to an untimely death but hey, at least some of the papers are off your desk now!
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Come on, Nancy Drew, isn't that your job? I'm the best doctor in my hospital and who knows, quite possibly anywhere, isn't that enough for you? And uh... well, I can probably drink my weight in scotch. And I have killer abs, and... uh, well, I'm really getting a lot better at controlling this little "anger problem" my shrinks say I've got. Anyway, I don't have to PROVE myself to you people like a damn INTERN or-- .... hold on, my doc gave me this thing where I count to ten if I think I might, you know, actually explode in the self-righteous rage I only seem to get when asked completely RI-DICULOUS questions like the ones I'm putting up with right now, so if you'll just give me a second here... 1... 2.... 3...
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
.................
....1... 2.... 3.... 4.... 5....
*in barely controlled tones* Pizza. I can give you pizza. 'Scuse me for juuuuuust a sec here. ::disappears behind a corner, from which the sounds of things smashing can be heard::
::returns after a moment, with a weirdly bright smile and kind of scarily glittering eyes.:: SO THEN, how DID I do? I'm just dying to find out, truly I am! Oh, I just can't wait to hear the delightful news! You like me! You really like me!
Oh, my God, let's just get this over with.