Application for Steffain Johnson from Tales of MU
Steff sat on her bed desperately trying to ignore the horrid sounds that Viktor was forcing out of his keyboard as she worked on her latest ‘homework assignment’ from the mental healer. The first few pages had been blobby pictures that she’d been asked to identify, writing a short paragraph for each. Steff had muddled through this, trying to find a way to describe what she could only see as blobs in such a way as to totally freak the healer out without making the healer decide that Steff should be committed once and for all.
Steff thought she’d done a good job of it, having mostly stuck to the things she new well…sex and dead things. She couldn’t wait to hear what the mental healer would think of her particularly colorful explanation of the largest blob being an orgy that involved everyone she’d ever wanted to fuck but never had.
She’d just laid those pages aside when a particularly violent chord from the keyboard made her body jerk violently and nearly caused her to tear the last page of the assignment. She almost said something to Viktor, the words were right on the tip of her lips, but as she stared at his wide back she thought better of it. Maybe the mental healing was working after all.
Holding the page up before her, she began to read the questions.
“What the fuck?! My favorite kind of cheese? Exactly how in hell is that supposed to help anyone make sense of my fucked up insides?” Steff didn’t realize just how much she’d raised her voice until she realized that the cacophony had stopped and Viktor was glaring at her. He didn’t have to say a word. The look he gave her was all she needed. Steff gave him a sheepish smile as she made a show of smoothing the paper out before her so that she could begin to answer the questions.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Steff narrowly avoided having another outburst of “What the fuck??” as she reread the first question. Even so, her head swam with questions about what cheese had to do with mental healing. She was just about to give up on the question and start on the next one when she noticed Viktor watching her. Finally, she began to scribble out an answer.
“That funky smelling, crumbly, greenish kind that they make out in the Ogre lands.” She wrote. “I like it cause it seems like it would be totally gross but then you taste it and it’s actually really good. Plus, I heard that technically it’s moldy and that’s why it looks like it does. Just goes to show you can’t always go by the looks of things.”
Steff smirked as she finished up her answer. The mental healer would certainly read something into all of that. Steff couldn’t wait.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Steff decided she actually liked this question.
“That depends. Can I use Carrottop to kill Barney? Course, even in that case, it’d be a toss up as to who’d die first. Cause, you see, I think it would be totally cool to use Carrottop as a kinda giant dildo. You could lube him all up and then use him to…”
The sound of Viktor clearing his voice right next to her ear startled Steff so thoroughly that her pen left a squiggly line at the end of the last word she’d written.
“What?” Steff asked, batting her eyelashes and doing her best impression of an innocent maiden. Viktor glared at the answer she’d been writing and then gave her a meaningful look. “But I’m supposed to be honest, aren’t I? It’s not my fault the questions are so weird.” Viktor tilted his head and gave every impression of putting his hands on his hips though he never actually did. “Oh, all right.” Steff sighed and made a big ‘x’ across what she’d already written.
“I’d kill Carrottop. Cause at least Barney has the potential of going berserk and starting a massive killing spree. Carrottop is just fucking annoying.”
She looked up at Viktor, who finally gave a grudging nod, and then went to work on the next question.
3. What time is it where you are?
“Uhm…early evening, I guess. I don’t have a time piece on me.” She glanced up quickly to make sure Viktor wasn’t watching before she scrawled, “What the fuck does it matter?”
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Steff was only marginally familiar with the character mentioned. She didn’t do a lot of reading unless she was absolutely forced to do so. But she vaguely remembered some of the nerds down the hall from them going on and on about various happenings in the story’s universe.
“Do I actually have to return from the dead?” She began to write. “And for that matter, does the person I sexually harass have to be alive? From what I’ve heard, Sirius Black would be totally hot in the sack. You know, with the whole shapeshifting thing, right? Oh! Or what about whatshisname…Lumpin? You know the one…the one who’s a werewolf? I bet a three-way with him and Sirius would be the hottest thing ever. All those muscles writhing and claws tearing and teeth gnashing. We could rip each other limb from limb! Does the silver thing actually work on werewolves? Cause I could get a silver dildo and…” Steff managed not to jump when Viktor cleared his throat this time. Grudgingly she skipped to the next question.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
From what Steff knew, she figured Slytherin was probably the best fit of the four houses. Dark, dank headquarters where people did their creepy, sinister doings. Plus, if one could take anything from all of the slash fic on the tapestries, Snape was quite the stud in the bedroom and the torture chamber. Steff grinned and proudly wrote:
“The Back Door Inn.”
Who wouldn’t want to work in a place called the ‘back door’? Steff imagined herself telling Mack that she was going to work at the Back Door and the image of Mack’s face blushing bright red flashed into Steff’s mind. Instantly, Steff felt herself go hard.
Sighing, Steff let the image fade. Viktor would have no mercy if she didn’t finish the assignment.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Steff decided to get a little political on the next part of the question. At least it would keep her mind from turning to sex.
“Part of the problem with the Imperium is that both same-sex marriage *and* multiple marriage are considered amoral and against the law. Why shouldn’t Harry be able to marry *both* Fred and George? Course, if he did have to choose, would it really matter which one he chose? Aren’t they identical? I bet they’re the same right down to the hair on their little wizard balls.”
Balls. Steff giggled.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“You’re not having enough sex on it. Having more sex on your desk will deter future papers from settling and/or breeding on top of your desk. If you’re in need of someone to help you have more sex on your desk, I’m available on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after my mixed melee class.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
“I can certainly prove that I’m more useful than these questions. I mentioned my availability above, why don’t you let me cum to your office and show you just how useful I can be…” Steff wrote the elipses fairly emphatically before proceeding to draw a small diagram of exactly what she would like to do to the mental healer. Mostly it was well-rendered drawing of an ass and a penis with an arrow from the latter toward the former that said ‘insert here’.
“Plus,” she began to write below the drawing as she used her other hand to hide the image from Viktor, “Some people seem to think I have really great fashion sense. And if you were to ever need anything, you know, re-animated…I’m your girl.”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Steff blinked as she read the last question. What in the world did bribes have to do with mental healing evaluations? None of the questionnaire had made any sense but this part was even more baffling than the rest. Steff squinted at the question, trying to make the letters reform themselves into a question that was more understandable and easier to answer. After several long moments and a leveled look from Viktor she finally gave up and wrote something down.
“The better question is, what won’t I bribe you with? If it’s got a penis, I’ll most likely have sex with it. If it doesn’t have a penis, I might have sex with it anyway.” Steff felt her face flush as the image of Mack slipped back into her mind. Sweet, sexy, bumbling little Mack. So innocent and naive and yet so completely kinky.
“I’m especially talented at S & M.” Steff continued, though she was having a harder and harder time putting Mack out of her mind. “Spankings and torture are a specialty. If you want to be hurt, I’ll hurt you good.”
Steff doodled a couple of quick sketches depicting a few of the things she’d always wanted to do to Mack for an illustration of her skills.
“Also, I’m super trendy and great with the fashion advice. And, if you were to want something brought back to life, I think we could work something out. Necromancy major and all.
So, uh, yeah. Oh! And I like to take it up the ass.” Steff stabbed the period onto the end of the sentence and stuffed all the papers into the envelope the mental healer had provided.
“All done!” She announced happily to Viktor. As she turned to show him the envelope, however, she realized she was no longer in the dorm room she shared with her love in Harlowe Hall. Rather, she was in a dark, cold, stone room and there were people she didn't know all around her. Steff started to clutch the envelope to her chest only to realize that it wasn't in her hands anymore. The envelope was gone and its contents were posted for everyone in the room to read...
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG.
- Steff Johnson
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them.
- Steff Johnson.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch.
- Steff Johnson
One day, marmalade will rule the world.
-Steff Johnson
Steff thought she’d done a good job of it, having mostly stuck to the things she new well…sex and dead things. She couldn’t wait to hear what the mental healer would think of her particularly colorful explanation of the largest blob being an orgy that involved everyone she’d ever wanted to fuck but never had.
She’d just laid those pages aside when a particularly violent chord from the keyboard made her body jerk violently and nearly caused her to tear the last page of the assignment. She almost said something to Viktor, the words were right on the tip of her lips, but as she stared at his wide back she thought better of it. Maybe the mental healing was working after all.
Holding the page up before her, she began to read the questions.
“What the fuck?! My favorite kind of cheese? Exactly how in hell is that supposed to help anyone make sense of my fucked up insides?” Steff didn’t realize just how much she’d raised her voice until she realized that the cacophony had stopped and Viktor was glaring at her. He didn’t have to say a word. The look he gave her was all she needed. Steff gave him a sheepish smile as she made a show of smoothing the paper out before her so that she could begin to answer the questions.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Steff narrowly avoided having another outburst of “What the fuck??” as she reread the first question. Even so, her head swam with questions about what cheese had to do with mental healing. She was just about to give up on the question and start on the next one when she noticed Viktor watching her. Finally, she began to scribble out an answer.
“That funky smelling, crumbly, greenish kind that they make out in the Ogre lands.” She wrote. “I like it cause it seems like it would be totally gross but then you taste it and it’s actually really good. Plus, I heard that technically it’s moldy and that’s why it looks like it does. Just goes to show you can’t always go by the looks of things.”
Steff smirked as she finished up her answer. The mental healer would certainly read something into all of that. Steff couldn’t wait.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Steff decided she actually liked this question.
“That depends. Can I use Carrottop to kill Barney? Course, even in that case, it’d be a toss up as to who’d die first. Cause, you see, I think it would be totally cool to use Carrottop as a kinda giant dildo. You could lube him all up and then use him to…”
The sound of Viktor clearing his voice right next to her ear startled Steff so thoroughly that her pen left a squiggly line at the end of the last word she’d written.
“What?” Steff asked, batting her eyelashes and doing her best impression of an innocent maiden. Viktor glared at the answer she’d been writing and then gave her a meaningful look. “But I’m supposed to be honest, aren’t I? It’s not my fault the questions are so weird.” Viktor tilted his head and gave every impression of putting his hands on his hips though he never actually did. “Oh, all right.” Steff sighed and made a big ‘x’ across what she’d already written.
“I’d kill Carrottop. Cause at least Barney has the potential of going berserk and starting a massive killing spree. Carrottop is just fucking annoying.”
She looked up at Viktor, who finally gave a grudging nod, and then went to work on the next question.
3. What time is it where you are?
“Uhm…early evening, I guess. I don’t have a time piece on me.” She glanced up quickly to make sure Viktor wasn’t watching before she scrawled, “What the fuck does it matter?”
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Steff was only marginally familiar with the character mentioned. She didn’t do a lot of reading unless she was absolutely forced to do so. But she vaguely remembered some of the nerds down the hall from them going on and on about various happenings in the story’s universe.
“Do I actually have to return from the dead?” She began to write. “And for that matter, does the person I sexually harass have to be alive? From what I’ve heard, Sirius Black would be totally hot in the sack. You know, with the whole shapeshifting thing, right? Oh! Or what about whatshisname…Lumpin? You know the one…the one who’s a werewolf? I bet a three-way with him and Sirius would be the hottest thing ever. All those muscles writhing and claws tearing and teeth gnashing. We could rip each other limb from limb! Does the silver thing actually work on werewolves? Cause I could get a silver dildo and…” Steff managed not to jump when Viktor cleared his throat this time. Grudgingly she skipped to the next question.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
From what Steff knew, she figured Slytherin was probably the best fit of the four houses. Dark, dank headquarters where people did their creepy, sinister doings. Plus, if one could take anything from all of the slash fic on the tapestries, Snape was quite the stud in the bedroom and the torture chamber. Steff grinned and proudly wrote:
“The Back Door Inn.”
Who wouldn’t want to work in a place called the ‘back door’? Steff imagined herself telling Mack that she was going to work at the Back Door and the image of Mack’s face blushing bright red flashed into Steff’s mind. Instantly, Steff felt herself go hard.
Sighing, Steff let the image fade. Viktor would have no mercy if she didn’t finish the assignment.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Steff decided to get a little political on the next part of the question. At least it would keep her mind from turning to sex.
“Part of the problem with the Imperium is that both same-sex marriage *and* multiple marriage are considered amoral and against the law. Why shouldn’t Harry be able to marry *both* Fred and George? Course, if he did have to choose, would it really matter which one he chose? Aren’t they identical? I bet they’re the same right down to the hair on their little wizard balls.”
Balls. Steff giggled.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
“You’re not having enough sex on it. Having more sex on your desk will deter future papers from settling and/or breeding on top of your desk. If you’re in need of someone to help you have more sex on your desk, I’m available on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays after my mixed melee class.”
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
“I can certainly prove that I’m more useful than these questions. I mentioned my availability above, why don’t you let me cum to your office and show you just how useful I can be…” Steff wrote the elipses fairly emphatically before proceeding to draw a small diagram of exactly what she would like to do to the mental healer. Mostly it was well-rendered drawing of an ass and a penis with an arrow from the latter toward the former that said ‘insert here’.
“Plus,” she began to write below the drawing as she used her other hand to hide the image from Viktor, “Some people seem to think I have really great fashion sense. And if you were to ever need anything, you know, re-animated…I’m your girl.”
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Steff blinked as she read the last question. What in the world did bribes have to do with mental healing evaluations? None of the questionnaire had made any sense but this part was even more baffling than the rest. Steff squinted at the question, trying to make the letters reform themselves into a question that was more understandable and easier to answer. After several long moments and a leveled look from Viktor she finally gave up and wrote something down.
“The better question is, what won’t I bribe you with? If it’s got a penis, I’ll most likely have sex with it. If it doesn’t have a penis, I might have sex with it anyway.” Steff felt her face flush as the image of Mack slipped back into her mind. Sweet, sexy, bumbling little Mack. So innocent and naive and yet so completely kinky.
“I’m especially talented at S & M.” Steff continued, though she was having a harder and harder time putting Mack out of her mind. “Spankings and torture are a specialty. If you want to be hurt, I’ll hurt you good.”
Steff doodled a couple of quick sketches depicting a few of the things she’d always wanted to do to Mack for an illustration of her skills.
“Also, I’m super trendy and great with the fashion advice. And, if you were to want something brought back to life, I think we could work something out. Necromancy major and all.
So, uh, yeah. Oh! And I like to take it up the ass.” Steff stabbed the period onto the end of the sentence and stuffed all the papers into the envelope the mental healer had provided.
“All done!” She announced happily to Viktor. As she turned to show him the envelope, however, she realized she was no longer in the dorm room she shared with her love in Harlowe Hall. Rather, she was in a dark, cold, stone room and there were people she didn't know all around her. Steff started to clutch the envelope to her chest only to realize that it wasn't in her hands anymore. The envelope was gone and its contents were posted for everyone in the room to read...
I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG.
- Steff Johnson
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them.
- Steff Johnson.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch.
- Steff Johnson
One day, marmalade will rule the world.
-Steff Johnson