Open RP - The Unpopcorning of Dwight Schrute

[beets_r_god]

Dwight Schrute came awake with a start. He was naked except for a film of butter and salt on his skin, and he was sitting in the middle of the floor, surrounded on all sides by kernels of popcorn encased in glass cases

Comments

[office_michael]

It wasn't Brokeback Thursday, but Michael had gay cowboys on his mind. He still struggled every day with his hex-imposed (non)gayness, and he couldn't afford to let Tinky Winky down. He needed him for gentle deflowerment (after the big, gay wedding, of course!), as well as for the co-proprietorship of their chaw parlor, Guano's Tubby Tustard, and...well, just because Michael had gotten more than used to the purple abomination. Besides, Tinky Winky was way less irritating than Dwight.

Speaking of which...

"Oh my GOD!" Michael gagged and gaped. "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, HOLY, AND GAY, DWIGHT, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES!" He violently turned around and closed his eyes, but after a second, he looked again. "Oh, that is just disGUSting, Dwight. That's worse than the time I found the Xerox Kevin made of his ass and there was a bit of his scrotum showing." He gagged again.

[beets_r_god]

Dwight was offended. How dare Michael fail to appreciate the Schrute good looks? After all, they were the result of much beet consumption. The martial arts also helped matters.

"I would love to put on clothes, Michael," he said through clenched teeth. "But *somebody* in this office has stolen them. And when I find out who it is, well, they're just going to have to forget about any health benefits." Oh, yes, all should tremble at the wrath of Dwight.

[office_michael]

"Dwight, this is Scotland. Everyone has health benefits," Michael sighed, rubbing his eyes, which may or may not have been a ploy not to look at Dwight's goodies even though, in his mind, he was trying to assure himself that smaller penises are correlated with better looks and at least he wasn't a Battlestar Galactica dork. "Couldn't you at least put your hands over...it?"

[beets_r_god]

"What are you talking about?" Dwight demanded, taking a step toward Michael. "This isn't Scotland. Fact: I would have remembered it if we'd planned a vacation together. This did not happen. I also would have remembered a plane ride, and I don't." Then the light of realization dawned suddenly in his eyes. "Oh, I see. You're trying to be funny." He forced a laugh. "Good one, Michael. Really good one."

[miss_bunny_swan]

Miss Swan was just innocently waddling down the hall when she got quite a happy surprise!

She stared Dwight up and down before loudly announcing, "Now you...LOOK LIKE A MAN!"

Yep, there was no mistaking that.

[beets_r_god]

"I am a Schrute," Dwight explained. To the camera he added, "We Schrutes are far superior to all other men." Then he took another look at Miss Swan. "You... surely aren't from Corporate?" he asked, not sure yet whether he hoped she was or not.

[miss_bunny_swan]

Miss Swan pulled herself up to her full height (which wasn't particularly tall). "Swan not from Corporate! Swan from Kuvaria!" How dare he!

Still, she was intrigued. "So you not a man?"

[beets_r_god]

"Oh," Dwight said slowly. "So you're part of some kind of office exchange program. I didn't know we had a branch in Kuvaria." Not that Dwight knew where that was or anything. "And of course I'm a man. What are you talking about?"

[effing_eff]

A man walking with such naked determination could only mean one thing to Evan Ferguson. "Did a magpie steal your clothes, too!?"

He also made a strong effort not to look down.

[beets_r_god]

Dwight didn't know this person either, but he gave the question due consideration. "No," he snarled, glaring off at the camera. "I think the culprit was very human. But if I'm wrong and it was a magpie, I'll shoot it. Dead. With my trusty crossbow. And then have it for dinner." Because he was nothing if not resourceful.

[effing_eff]

"Um, I'm a vegetarian, ok? So, like, in respect for my boundaries and lifestyle choice-" Evan held his hand palm up and moved it in a circling motion, as if palm-painting the boundary itself, "-please refrain from talking about eating Tweety Bird. No matter how much the thieving little bitch deserves it."

Don't look at his junk don't look at his junk don't look at his junk. Fortunately, Saturday Strip Night at Celebrities trained him well. "Wait! So, did this human have a goatee? But not a real one, but one drawn on like a retard?"

[beets_r_god]

A vegetarian. How come Dwight didn't know these things? That would probably make eating at Chilli's difficult, and Michael would have to be made aware of the fact so that they could all have a cultural appreciation day and eat vegetarian foods. Like beets, Dwight concluded, instantly feeling better about the idea.

At the man's other question, he shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I didn't see whoever did it. But it would be just like them to draw on a fake goatee." Another intense stare as he silently, once more, vowed retribution.

[misoramassacre]

With a nice block of hours ahead of her, Naomi had gone to investigate the popcorn plaque, in case Raye's name was already somewhere on there. If so, she'd know where to relocate her vigil.

The naked man approaching down the hall was definitely not Raye. She politely averted her eyes.

[beets_r_god]

"Excuse me," Dwight said loudly to Naomi. "But have you seen Jim Halpert? It's very important that I find him." He was quite determinedly ignoring his nakedness for the moment.

[misoramassacre]

"If I've seen him I didn't know his name. Do you want clothes?"

People did things like that voluntarily sometimes.

[beets_r_god]

Dwight was grateful for the offer. "Yes," he said through gritted teeth, "Since mine appear to be stolen." Since he assumed that her offer meant that she would happily run off right this second, he proceeded to give her a list of clothing specifications, right down to the size, color and style that he wanted. Then he moved aside to let her pass, crossing his arms and adopting a waiting posture.

[methleigh]

Severus is pacing the hallways again, contemplating the upcoming class he is planning. Madame Pomfrey had never held classes, but she had never been a professor and the school is different in these days, with so many adults in attendance. The anonymous note he had recieved concerned him on the students knowledge. If they couldn't mix a simple potion he doesn't imagine they could take one reliably either.

He stops short.

This is exactly what he had meant, in his thoughts. A naked man is standing in the hallway. Naked! Completely irresponsible. This is a school, after all, originally for children. What if some oblivious young first-year comes by. Severus frowns, the cleft between his eyes deepening.

"You there! Just what do you think you're playing at?"

[beets_r_god]

"Playing?" Dwight drew himself up to his full height and fixed Severus with a glare. "I'm not playing at anything. Someone has stolen my clothes and I intend to get them back. And if I find out who is responsible for this, I'll... report them to Toby. No, on second thought, I'll write them up myself and then they'll have to work Saturdays!"

[methleigh]

Toby? Who is Toby?

But Severus is the last person to feel sympathetic towards a practical joker. He would have offered his outer robe, but the man seems a little greasy. Wait. Greasy. He looks for a yellow sheen.

"This is Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry." He explains succinctly and immediately. "If you care to step back into the room so you do not startle the students I will bring you some clothes. This is not a practical joke, but some stronger less sinister force at work."

[beets_r_god]

Denial. Not just a river in Egypt. "That's not funny," Dwight informed Severus. "And I refuse to participate in this delusion any more than I already have to. You're all complicit in this little scheme, and quite frankly, it isn't funny."