Application for Evan Ferguson; "David Blaine's Street Magic"

[effing_eff]

"Holy. Fucking. Shit, David Blaine," a voice squawked incredulously from the Hogwarts floor. He pushed himself off the floor and onto his hands and knees. "Ooh, you made a stone floor hit me in the face! Big woop, David Blaine! Big woop! Yeah, you would need effing demon magic to get me on my knees, bitch!" He then jumped up and started to bounce

Comments

[bone_not_rock]

"I'm sure you've figured this out by now," Billy said. At least, he hoped the guy had figured it out by now. "But stealing dinosaur eggs is not a good idea."

Not that he had experience in the matter.

[effing_eff]

"Oh my God, I know, right?" Evan answered, giving Billy a cursory look. Eh, he'd hit it. "

Tom Cruise is totally wrong about moms. After they have babies, they all go effing crazy. And even if you escape the mommy dinosaur, you can't have a decent meal because the egg is, like, concrete. What was I supposed to do, boil it? Knocking rocks together will only smash up your finger like ouch! That's why I'm totally a vegan now." Sometimes.

[bone_not_rock]

Yeeeeeah...

"So how did the egg bite you?" he asked, trying to get back on subject. Somehow Tom Cruise had popped up in there.

[effing_eff]

"Oh my god, it totally grew teeth, right?" Evan said. "And then it grew legs and ran away!"

[mlle_merteuil]

Kathryn Merteuil pursed her lips and made a little tsking sound.

"Who even watches David Blaine any more? I'd say he's out but he was never in."

[effing_eff]

"Yeah, you'd think he wouldn't find time to torture me when he's locking himself in tubs or starving himself in Tupperware or something. But I guess he can make time." Evan rolled his eyes and wiggled his fingers. "Magic!"

[mlle_merteuil]

That finger-wiggle was almost the same gesture Kathryn had used in reference to Hogwarts! "So is this David Blaine's summer camp for Special Children, or what?"

[effing_eff]

"Oh my God, worse. We're in effing Scotland in an effing school for Blaine-wannabe wizards. If anyone starts doodling shit on their chins, you shake those skinny little legs, honey, and run," Evan advised. And this had better not be a Special summer camp. Last time his parents tricked him into one, there was throwing of toy trucks!

As well there should have been.

[doodily_doo]

Pickles blinked. And... blinked.

There was some shirtless guy yelling about street magicians, man, what did you want?

Pointing his bottle of rum towards the orange soda spit onto the floor, he raised an eyebrow. "Dude. I don't... you... Where did that come from?"

[effing_eff]

"It came from my MOUTH," Evan yelled. Wanna make something of it?

[doodily_doo]

Er. Okay. Pickles frowned, contemplatively. "Dude. DO you just, like... keep that in there for a while?" Ew. "That's... kinda gross. You shouldn't do that, man."

[effing_eff]

"Uh, no. DUDE. I sorta like to swallow it. But it's not my fault David Blaine steals my orange soda and sneaks it into my mouth when I least expect it. Ok? And for you to question that is really effing rude. I have a condition."

[ingenius_evil]

Okay. Zim couldn't help it. All this ranting. All this screaming. All this mention of the letter 'F'. And amongst it all... mentions. Mentions of a name, of a certain... demon-like man. This man had to be some sort of sorcerer. He had to have honed... powers. Of unimaginable stretches!

"So this... David Blaine," Zim observed, his hands rubbing together conspiratorially as he squinted a contact'd eye at the Evan creature. "Does it spew acid?"

[effing_eff]

“Oh. My. God. What are you?” Evan asked with a certain tone of revulsion. He eyed Zim and looked up and down. “So, are you like a House Elf or something? Only instead of looking like someone left Ron Paul in a tub for a few hours, you look like… I dunno. A pea on a cone or something?” He tilted his head and shrugged.

“Well, whatever. I think he can, like, make you spew acid. Which would be illegal.”

[ingenius_evil]

"I AM ZIM!" Zim automatically screeched, not unlike a howler monkey, almost before Evan could finish his sentence. And then paused, squinting an eye shut. "Eh, that is to say, who is... a human!" Naturally! "DO NOT compare ZI~IM to disGUSTing bodily fluids spread onto ice cream!" he decided on, instead, defensively, waving his arms.

Ah! So this David Blaine did have controls over powers such as acid! E~excellent. This would prove useful towards his Evil Plan. Number 3,284. "And as for kuru. Does this... David Blaine have control over such as well?"

[effing_eff]

'Zim'? Was that, like, the new thin? No, wait, it was a name. The little green dude had a name. People kept telling Evan their names, did they really expect him to remember them all!? "Ok, fine! Sorry!" He did not sound sorry. Evan spread his hands in surrender. "Just because your mom, I dunno, drank absinthe while you were in her tummy, doesn't make you less of a human. Oh my god, I think that was totally the plot from Wicked!"

The man then made a face at the 'bodily fluid' thing. Gawd, having someone with fetal alcohol syndrome talk about food play (with bonus hot and cold action) can totally ruin it for you forever, no matter how fun it was.

"And excuse me? What the eff is kuru!?"

[mischief_fred]

Now was the time when Fred Weasley entered the fray.

Wearing one of his Headless Hats.

"Are you doing magic, then?" he asked from under it. It was always nice when new applicants knew a trick or two.

[effing_eff]

"Oh my EFFING God!" Evan squealed as he leaped up in the air. "David Blaine has stolen your effing head! Like, ok... how long can you hold your breath? Just hold it until we, like, get it back or something! Or else you'll totally run out of breath and die."

[mischief_fred]

Fred's shoulders shrugged beneath his invisible head. "Oh, I reckon I could hold it for a good forty-five seconds or so, give or take. But wouldn't that be rather impossible if I didn't actually have a head?" Fred Weasley, man of logic! "And who's David Blaine and why's he gone off stealing heads? Lose a bet, did he?"

It was obvious enough to Fred his head hadn't been stolen! Who had ever heard of such a thing? Although if someone were doing that, Fred was quite sure Nearly Headless Nick would want to know about it.

[effing_eff]

"Forty-five seconds? Oooh, look at you! You can hold your breath for forty-five seconds and you don't even have a head! What, do you want praise for it? Do you want to lock yourself in a see-thru tank in the middle of an effing river for forty-five seconds? Why don't you do that!? Meanwhile, I'll make myself useful and look for your head before your lungs disappear too."

Evan glanced around the sorting room.

"Nope, can't find it. Sorry, but you're effed."