Application for Evan Ferguson; "David Blaine's Street Magic"
"Holy. Fucking. Shit, David Blaine," a voice squawked incredulously from the Hogwarts floor. He pushed himself off the floor and onto his hands and knees. "Ooh, you made a stone floor hit me in the face! Big woop, David Blaine! Big woop! Yeah, you would need effing demon magic to get me on my knees, bitch!" He then jumped up and started to bounce around, like a boxer in a ring.
Oh my GAWD David Blaine sent him back in time AGAIN! That was, like, literally illegal. From the looks of it, he was in a medieval castle. Oh my god, were the dinosaurs extinct yet? They better be effing gone by now, David Blaine! His eyes then focused on a table in the middle of the sorting hall, and a quill. A QUILL WHICH WAS MOVING BY ITSELF.
"What the eff!?" Evan cried as he jumped back from the table. He ran back a few steps, and then forward again, pointing at the moving quill. "It's a ghost feather! It's a damn ghost feather. I'm not coming any closer! Ghost feather!" He jumped, waving his arms in the air. "Ghost feather, it's a freaking… Blair Witch Project FEATHER!" Evan came closer, looking at the words it was writing. "Oh my- Oh my God- What-" He turned to the quill and screamed at it. "Stop writing what I'm saying! That's spying! That's libel!" He grabbed the quill to force it still. "I mean it, I- STOP IT!"
Evan's arm moved with the quill as it continued to write down his speech. He then rolled his eyes in forced indifference. "Oh, big whoop, David Blaine. You know what? You know what else also does this? A Ouija board, which was, like, totally used by my big sister during her slumber party with all her friends. Ooh, you're as magical as a thirteen year old girl, David Blaine! What are you going to do? Are you going to put makeup on me and make me wear a dress too and take pictures no matter how much I cry!? Well, I won't cry, David Blaine!" He narrowed his eyes and said in an angry whisper, "Not this time."
"Not this time."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Oh, so you think I'm just going to answer all of your questions? Like I don't know that you're just looking for an opportunity to stick things up my ass!? I'm not falling for it, David Blaine you butthole!" He snapped his mouth shut and crossed his arms, shaking his head. He then pointed at the quill and screamed, "Ok, you know what? I liked Cheez-Its, before you scarred me for life by abducting my orange soda and leaving Cheez-Its instead. You can can't drink Cheez-Its, retard! They don't fit through a straw. And I'm not answering this question because I don't want to spend the next four hours pulling cheddar out of my ass!"
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Oh no." Evan waved his hands and shook his head. "No, no. Not answering that. Because you know what? I know what you're going to do. I'm on to you, David Blaine! I'm going to say Carrottop, and you're going to say, 'Look in the trunk of your black Honda,' and inside is going to be Carrottop's blood-soaked, decapitated head! Murder is a crime, David Blaine! And I am NOT going to jail for that! What!? What! I'm calling the cops! I hope the medieval knights skewer your ass. Here they effing burn witches at the stake! Or at least put them in prison for a very long time or something."
He pursed his lips and took out his car, starting to dial the number. But… "Oh my god. Oh my GOD. My cell phone is BROKEN!" He pranced around and pointed the cell phone out, as if showing it to some invisible observer. "My cell is broken!" He began to hop again in distress. "My cell is broken! It's broken! Fucking eff! You're ruining my life, David Blaine!"
3. What time is it where you are?
He immediately clasped onto his wrist-watch which was… ha ha! Still attached to his body! "It's 12:45. What? What are you going to do? It's 12:45, big deal. Bee Eff Dee. Are you gonna turn back time-" His eyes widened as he put a hand over his heart, and Evan spoke in a hushed tone.
"Oh my God, I love that song," he sighed as he glanced over his shoulder. But then he realized that he was speaking to no one.
"What did you do to Peter, you DEMON!?" He started running around the sorting room. He ran to the north corner. "Peter!?" He ran to the south. "Peter!" And then he got tired and sweaty, so he stopped. Peter wasn't here. David Blaine never sent Peter back in time to fight mommy dinosaurs! Evan felt resentment tightening his throat, and he took a deep breath. No, no. Peter and Evan agreed, they were NOT going to let David Blaine tear them apart.
That's just what David Blaine would want!
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Ok, you know what? I wouldn't harass two random, awesome guys who never did anything. I wouldn't stick an ace of clubs up their asses, or make them piss orange soda, or have an evil bird steal their clothes, or go back in time to mack on their baby-selves. You know what that is, David Blaine? That's sick. That's harassment. That's illegal, and I am SUING you. And I am suing Youtube!"
He cocked his head and snapped. "Yeah. I said it."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The man immediately brightened at the question. "Oh my gawd. I would so call it Flirtinis, because Flirtinis are, like, the best drink, ever, and that would be all we would serve. Oh my god, when Flirtinis were in that episode of Sex and the City, I, like, cried."
He bounced with excitement again. "And the bar would totally be hip, but not so trendy that everyone and their moms starts going there. Like, it would be really alcove-y. David Bowie would go there to get away from it all, and I would, like, totally hit it off with Iman because she's fierce, and then Peter and I would baby-sit their Laotian babies or some shit. Also, we won't serve Brown Cows because I'm vegan sometimes. Owning a bar like that has always been my drea-" Evan widened his eyes.
"Get out of my HEAD, David Blaine! You sully everything! Dick!"
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Evan turned pale, and he shook his head emphatically. "Oh no, oh no, David Blaine! Not answering that, uh uh. Because gay marriage is illegal in my state - which is unjust." He looked away from the parchment to hold out a fist. "Pride, brethren and lesbiren." He then put his hand back down. "But you can't marry me to Peter or some dude, David Blaine. I see where you're going here, and you're not an ordained priest. You're an ordained… demon guy! And eff you, you can't go back in time and… and marry my dad, making me your magical, demonic butt-baby. Ok?"
He spread his arms again, and called out, "And also? This is, like, the buttfuck dark ages, butthole. There's no gay marriage, and there's no dad. So you missed, the mark, you missed the effing mark! And gay marriage was illegal in the 80's, too!"
Evan took a deep breath, and then let out a final scream. "No, no! You can't be my father… that's impossible!" He then covered his face with his hands.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
Evan removed his hands from his face to twiddle his fingers. "Oooh, what does that mean, David Blaine? You going to make a pile of papers disappear! You know what? I can do that too!" Evan stood up on the chair, and then on the table. He took the application triumphantly in hand, and then threw it off. If there were more papers on the desk, surely they would have been flung off as well in a frenzy, but Evan could only make due with rubbing his belly viciously against the table's surface as his arms and legs flailed this way and that.
"Oooh, look at me! I'm David Blaine! I stare like a moron and shit with my stupid permanent marker beard!" He nodded furiously. "Oh yeah," he hissed. "I noticed."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Evan moved to stand on the table, and could not see the application. Still... "What the EFF!?" He covered his temples with his hands. "How do I know what the next questions are!? This is demon magic! This is illegal brain surgery!"
"Oh, what? Just because I don't have, like, a demonic camera-man/familiar falling me around as I pullshit out of people's asses or stick them up on the roof, I'm useless!? Well, I'll tell you what. I know all the best outlet stores. I can fish. I can make a salad with a nice, healthy dressing. And I can survive a week, like, four nights and five days in dinosaur times. And I'm also vegan sometimes, so word up." Even looked slightly guilty and said, "I did steal the baby egg from the mommy dinosaur, but that didn't count! I was hungry. And the egg bit me!"
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"What are you going to do if I don't, huh? Huh!? Listen, David Blaine, I don't owe you anything for your little magic tricks, and you know what? Criss Angel did it better, bitch. Criss Angel did it better." He crossed his arms, and whined, "And my mom still owes me the hundred buck you gave me as a baby, so I'm a little strapped." He wiggled his fingers again and adopted a falsetto. "Ooh, I'm going to pay you for my tricks. I'll just GO BACK IN TIME. Doesn't work that way, David Blaine. Doesn't work."
The table shook as Evan began to jump up and down again. "Ok, what does it take to make you go away!? My shirt? You want my clothes you perverted prick? Fine, take my shirt! It was $48.00, but take my shirt!" He angrily pulled off the red t, dropping it on the floor. "What now? What? What? I have nothing left to offer."
Spew.
"Stop putting orange soda in my MOUTH!"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. I'm not signing a release!
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Not signing this.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. I want my lawyer!
One day, marmalade will rule the world. If you put this on a blog, I'll effing sue you!"
Oh my GAWD David Blaine sent him back in time AGAIN! That was, like, literally illegal. From the looks of it, he was in a medieval castle. Oh my god, were the dinosaurs extinct yet? They better be effing gone by now, David Blaine! His eyes then focused on a table in the middle of the sorting hall, and a quill. A QUILL WHICH WAS MOVING BY ITSELF.
"What the eff!?" Evan cried as he jumped back from the table. He ran back a few steps, and then forward again, pointing at the moving quill. "It's a ghost feather! It's a damn ghost feather. I'm not coming any closer! Ghost feather!" He jumped, waving his arms in the air. "Ghost feather, it's a freaking… Blair Witch Project FEATHER!" Evan came closer, looking at the words it was writing. "Oh my- Oh my God- What-" He turned to the quill and screamed at it. "Stop writing what I'm saying! That's spying! That's libel!" He grabbed the quill to force it still. "I mean it, I- STOP IT!"
Evan's arm moved with the quill as it continued to write down his speech. He then rolled his eyes in forced indifference. "Oh, big whoop, David Blaine. You know what? You know what else also does this? A Ouija board, which was, like, totally used by my big sister during her slumber party with all her friends. Ooh, you're as magical as a thirteen year old girl, David Blaine! What are you going to do? Are you going to put makeup on me and make me wear a dress too and take pictures no matter how much I cry!? Well, I won't cry, David Blaine!" He narrowed his eyes and said in an angry whisper, "Not this time."
"Not this time."
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Oh, so you think I'm just going to answer all of your questions? Like I don't know that you're just looking for an opportunity to stick things up my ass!? I'm not falling for it, David Blaine you butthole!" He snapped his mouth shut and crossed his arms, shaking his head. He then pointed at the quill and screamed, "Ok, you know what? I liked Cheez-Its, before you scarred me for life by abducting my orange soda and leaving Cheez-Its instead. You can can't drink Cheez-Its, retard! They don't fit through a straw. And I'm not answering this question because I don't want to spend the next four hours pulling cheddar out of my ass!"
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"Oh no." Evan waved his hands and shook his head. "No, no. Not answering that. Because you know what? I know what you're going to do. I'm on to you, David Blaine! I'm going to say Carrottop, and you're going to say, 'Look in the trunk of your black Honda,' and inside is going to be Carrottop's blood-soaked, decapitated head! Murder is a crime, David Blaine! And I am NOT going to jail for that! What!? What! I'm calling the cops! I hope the medieval knights skewer your ass. Here they effing burn witches at the stake! Or at least put them in prison for a very long time or something."
He pursed his lips and took out his car, starting to dial the number. But… "Oh my god. Oh my GOD. My cell phone is BROKEN!" He pranced around and pointed the cell phone out, as if showing it to some invisible observer. "My cell is broken!" He began to hop again in distress. "My cell is broken! It's broken! Fucking eff! You're ruining my life, David Blaine!"
3. What time is it where you are?
He immediately clasped onto his wrist-watch which was… ha ha! Still attached to his body! "It's 12:45. What? What are you going to do? It's 12:45, big deal. Bee Eff Dee. Are you gonna turn back time-" His eyes widened as he put a hand over his heart, and Evan spoke in a hushed tone.
"Oh my God, I love that song," he sighed as he glanced over his shoulder. But then he realized that he was speaking to no one.
"What did you do to Peter, you DEMON!?" He started running around the sorting room. He ran to the north corner. "Peter!?" He ran to the south. "Peter!" And then he got tired and sweaty, so he stopped. Peter wasn't here. David Blaine never sent Peter back in time to fight mommy dinosaurs! Evan felt resentment tightening his throat, and he took a deep breath. No, no. Peter and Evan agreed, they were NOT going to let David Blaine tear them apart.
That's just what David Blaine would want!
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Ok, you know what? I wouldn't harass two random, awesome guys who never did anything. I wouldn't stick an ace of clubs up their asses, or make them piss orange soda, or have an evil bird steal their clothes, or go back in time to mack on their baby-selves. You know what that is, David Blaine? That's sick. That's harassment. That's illegal, and I am SUING you. And I am suing Youtube!"
He cocked his head and snapped. "Yeah. I said it."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The man immediately brightened at the question. "Oh my gawd. I would so call it Flirtinis, because Flirtinis are, like, the best drink, ever, and that would be all we would serve. Oh my god, when Flirtinis were in that episode of Sex and the City, I, like, cried."
He bounced with excitement again. "And the bar would totally be hip, but not so trendy that everyone and their moms starts going there. Like, it would be really alcove-y. David Bowie would go there to get away from it all, and I would, like, totally hit it off with Iman because she's fierce, and then Peter and I would baby-sit their Laotian babies or some shit. Also, we won't serve Brown Cows because I'm vegan sometimes. Owning a bar like that has always been my drea-" Evan widened his eyes.
"Get out of my HEAD, David Blaine! You sully everything! Dick!"
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Evan turned pale, and he shook his head emphatically. "Oh no, oh no, David Blaine! Not answering that, uh uh. Because gay marriage is illegal in my state - which is unjust." He looked away from the parchment to hold out a fist. "Pride, brethren and lesbiren." He then put his hand back down. "But you can't marry me to Peter or some dude, David Blaine. I see where you're going here, and you're not an ordained priest. You're an ordained… demon guy! And eff you, you can't go back in time and… and marry my dad, making me your magical, demonic butt-baby. Ok?"
He spread his arms again, and called out, "And also? This is, like, the buttfuck dark ages, butthole. There's no gay marriage, and there's no dad. So you missed, the mark, you missed the effing mark! And gay marriage was illegal in the 80's, too!"
Evan took a deep breath, and then let out a final scream. "No, no! You can't be my father… that's impossible!" He then covered his face with his hands.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
Evan removed his hands from his face to twiddle his fingers. "Oooh, what does that mean, David Blaine? You going to make a pile of papers disappear! You know what? I can do that too!" Evan stood up on the chair, and then on the table. He took the application triumphantly in hand, and then threw it off. If there were more papers on the desk, surely they would have been flung off as well in a frenzy, but Evan could only make due with rubbing his belly viciously against the table's surface as his arms and legs flailed this way and that.
"Oooh, look at me! I'm David Blaine! I stare like a moron and shit with my stupid permanent marker beard!" He nodded furiously. "Oh yeah," he hissed. "I noticed."
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Evan moved to stand on the table, and could not see the application. Still... "What the EFF!?" He covered his temples with his hands. "How do I know what the next questions are!? This is demon magic! This is illegal brain surgery!"
"Oh, what? Just because I don't have, like, a demonic camera-man/familiar falling me around as I pullshit out of people's asses or stick them up on the roof, I'm useless!? Well, I'll tell you what. I know all the best outlet stores. I can fish. I can make a salad with a nice, healthy dressing. And I can survive a week, like, four nights and five days in dinosaur times. And I'm also vegan sometimes, so word up." Even looked slightly guilty and said, "I did steal the baby egg from the mommy dinosaur, but that didn't count! I was hungry. And the egg bit me!"
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"What are you going to do if I don't, huh? Huh!? Listen, David Blaine, I don't owe you anything for your little magic tricks, and you know what? Criss Angel did it better, bitch. Criss Angel did it better." He crossed his arms, and whined, "And my mom still owes me the hundred buck you gave me as a baby, so I'm a little strapped." He wiggled his fingers again and adopted a falsetto. "Ooh, I'm going to pay you for my tricks. I'll just GO BACK IN TIME. Doesn't work that way, David Blaine. Doesn't work."
The table shook as Evan began to jump up and down again. "Ok, what does it take to make you go away!? My shirt? You want my clothes you perverted prick? Fine, take my shirt! It was $48.00, but take my shirt!" He angrily pulled off the red t, dropping it on the floor. "What now? What? What? I have nothing left to offer."
Spew.
"Stop putting orange soda in my MOUTH!"
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. I'm not signing a release!
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Not signing this.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. I want my lawyer!
One day, marmalade will rule the world. If you put this on a blog, I'll effing sue you!"