Application for Krampus

[ohnoitskrampus]

Krampus, Krampus the Movie

The grimy, goat-legged, goat-horned figure, stooped and swarthy, hobbled into the Sorting Room. “I know you're here, Boss!” he bellowed. “You can't hide forever!”

Comments

[homsarhomsar]

Homsar felt he had been very good this year. And good little Homsars deserved rewards, didn't they?

He eyed this board game piece hopefully before asking in an uncharacteristically tentative voice, "DaaaAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAA! When can we start The Jeffersons?"

Maybe this year he'd finally get his wish....

[ohnoitskrampus]

Krampus eyed the... thing... before him with tentative amusement. It wasn't really sending off any naughty vibes, which was just as well... it might get his whip sticky!

"I don't grant wishes or give presents."

[homsarhomsar]

Disappointment. Once again.

It was okay. Homsar was used to it. Well, as used to having one's hopes and dreams smashed over and over again as one could ever get.

Sex with Sirius would get him through this. It always did.

But that was for later.

After a long moment of staring as he collected himself, Homsar finally spoke once again.

"DaaaAAAAaaaAAAAaaaAAAA! I'm the ghost of Christmas paaaaa-yust...."

In his excitement, he had forgotten to introduce himself, so it was only right that he rectify that mistake.

[ohnoitskrampus]

Oh, boy. The Ghost of Christmas Past had really let himself go.

"Oh yeah? I'm looking for the Boss."

[endless_del]

Delirium, who had spent most of the day as a cloud of multicolored fish, managed to turn human-shaped long enough to read the application.

"What is your rod made out of?" she asked, blinking her mismatched eyes. A bee shot out of her hair to inspect Krampus closely.

[ohnoitskrampus]

Krampus wasn't so powerful as to be a god, really, but he'd certainly been around long enough to recognize her. He shuffled his hooved feet nervously. "It's just honest humble birchwood, miss. Just the thing for thrashing wicked young bottoms."

[endless_del]

Delirium smiled, a butterfly settling on her nose as she did so. "You called me 'miss'," she said, delighted. "Why do you thrash bottoms? Do they do something bad?"

[ohnoitskrampus]

"I only thrash the naughty ones, miss, The wicked little boys and girls. Seems like there's no end to them."

[castleinthesnow]

"That's what you do? Punish naughty children?" That was... all right, that was worrying. "By what definition of naughty?" Partial regicide?

[ohnoitskrampus]

That was a question Krampus wasn't usually asked, and he blinked. "Naughty," he said with a shrug. "Not finishing their vegetables. Being disobedient. Not picking up after themselves. Staying up past bedtime. That sort of thing."

[castleinthesnow]

"You must be very busy!" It was probably for the best that Westeros had no Krampus as far as Sansa knew. The poor thing would never get any rest at all.

[ohnoitskrampus]

"Not as busy as I should be," he grouched. "If the little rats don't believe in Santa, they're not going to believe in the likes of me, either."

[buggy_genius]

"So for those of us that aren't masochists, what can you offer? And don't say coal."

[ohnoitskrampus]

"Well, then, surely you know someone who's been naughty?" Krampus treaded him you a toothy leer. "I could give you a switch of your own."

[buggy_genius]

Hm. On the one hand: It's not like he can't cut a branch from outside if he had any wish to take a switch to someone. And on the other, it's a switch from the Krampus. Anthropology and world beliefs weren't Hodgins' department but a folklore being like the Krampus was cool enough to read up on as a kid. (Even if he was secretly glad that he didn't believe in Santa-analogues and therefore didn't believe in the Krampus because he was very much a troublemaking kid.) "...maybe. Have you used it before?"

[ohnoitskrampus]

"Is it a used one you're wanting?" Krampus hopped from cloven hoof to cloven hoof, reaching into his sack of switches and coal.

[fullofjelly]

"Krampus!"

Santa strode into the room, his beard swinging back and forth like a pendulum, eyes snapping with an expression that was far from jolly. His stomach bounced impressively with every step. Oh, he was a fine specimen of sexy anger, and he was barreling down on Krampus.

"You're supposed to be up at the fucking North Pole!" he roared, gesturing with his martini glass. "There's a list that needs attending to! And coal that needs to be prepped! What, you think this is a vacation? Who put you up to this? It was Dasher, wasn't it? Little fucker."

Glowering down at Krampus, Santa took a sip of his drink, baring his teeth a little as the bootlegged gin burned its way down. "Well? Answer for yourself, sooty little bastard."

[ohnoitskrampus]

"Oh, that's rich, coming from you. Vacation? More like playing hooky." Krampus's goat-like tail twitched in irritation. "You might almost say it was... naughty. And Dasher? Don't make me laugh. He's too busy eating yellow snow."

[fullofjelly]

"Oh, don't get a hard on," Santa grumbled, folding his arms and glowering. "You don't get to switch this ass. I know you dream about it, little cloven-hoofed pervert."

Sighing, Santa twirled his glass in his fingers, considering the little bastard. "What are you doing here? You and Rudolph have another lover's quarrel?" he smirked.

[ohnoitskrampus]

"Get over yourself," Krampus groused. "Just because you lech after reindeer doesn't mean anyone else does. And anyone who tried to switch your ass would be busy for a month." He snorted irritably. "Operations in general is in a shambles without you."