Application for Stanley Raymond Kowalski
Before you ask, my dad was a Brando fan. I go by Ray.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
The kind that comes on top of those pizzas that they promise to deliver in thirty minutes or less but never can do. It’s hot, greasy, and free.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Neither. I’m upholding the law over here, okay? But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t kick Carrot Top in the head if he happened to be in front of me or nothing. I might kick Barney too, but it wouldn’t do much with all that foam he’s got on him.
3. What time is it where you are?
Almost 5:00 p.m., and thank god for that. At least they got me on the regular day shift now. Sometimes when I don’t gotta help Fraser with one of his crazy plans I can go to sleep at decent hours.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Tonks, man. I’d - well - I’d probably just follow her around and ask her on a bunch of lame dates and be turned down. That’s how it usually goes.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
As long as they’ve got good beer and play hockey on the TV, who cares about the name? Names don’t make a difference. You think they do, but they don’t. I was more myself using someone else’s name than I ever was using my own, but it was never really mine either cause Tennessee fucking Williams used it first.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythologies is more of Fraser’s department, really. He’s probably told me about forty Inuit stories that would help here, but of course I can’t remember any of them. I don’t know why I should be deciding Harry’s marriages for him anyway. He probably doesn’t want anyone messing around with it. It’s the kind of decision a man should make for himself, you know?
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If you find out, let me know, because that happens to me too. Maybe it has something to do with not being Canadian. I mean, you never see stacks of paperwork on Fraser’s desk, now do you?
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Fraser said something once. That we do what we do for the pride and honor of knowing that we make it possible for good people to tuck their kids in at night, turn out the lights and know they'll be safe. I thought he was unhinged at the time, and his deaf florist wolf wasn’t helping matter any, but I’ve worked with Fraser for a while now, and I think maybe he was onto something. We do do that, sometimes. It feels kinda nice.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I doubt I’ve got anything any of you would want. You could, I don’t know, maybe drive my car if you promise to be careful with her. Or I could teach you how to play hockey or baseball or how to box, or maybe just play a few rounds with you if you want an opponent. And if you have any crimes that need solving, Fraser and I’ll both help you with that.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
The kind that comes on top of those pizzas that they promise to deliver in thirty minutes or less but never can do. It’s hot, greasy, and free.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Neither. I’m upholding the law over here, okay? But that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t kick Carrot Top in the head if he happened to be in front of me or nothing. I might kick Barney too, but it wouldn’t do much with all that foam he’s got on him.
3. What time is it where you are?
Almost 5:00 p.m., and thank god for that. At least they got me on the regular day shift now. Sometimes when I don’t gotta help Fraser with one of his crazy plans I can go to sleep at decent hours.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Tonks, man. I’d - well - I’d probably just follow her around and ask her on a bunch of lame dates and be turned down. That’s how it usually goes.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
As long as they’ve got good beer and play hockey on the TV, who cares about the name? Names don’t make a difference. You think they do, but they don’t. I was more myself using someone else’s name than I ever was using my own, but it was never really mine either cause Tennessee fucking Williams used it first.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythologies is more of Fraser’s department, really. He’s probably told me about forty Inuit stories that would help here, but of course I can’t remember any of them. I don’t know why I should be deciding Harry’s marriages for him anyway. He probably doesn’t want anyone messing around with it. It’s the kind of decision a man should make for himself, you know?
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
If you find out, let me know, because that happens to me too. Maybe it has something to do with not being Canadian. I mean, you never see stacks of paperwork on Fraser’s desk, now do you?
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
Fraser said something once. That we do what we do for the pride and honor of knowing that we make it possible for good people to tuck their kids in at night, turn out the lights and know they'll be safe. I thought he was unhinged at the time, and his deaf florist wolf wasn’t helping matter any, but I’ve worked with Fraser for a while now, and I think maybe he was onto something. We do do that, sometimes. It feels kinda nice.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I doubt I’ve got anything any of you would want. You could, I don’t know, maybe drive my car if you promise to be careful with her. Or I could teach you how to play hockey or baseball or how to box, or maybe just play a few rounds with you if you want an opponent. And if you have any crimes that need solving, Fraser and I’ll both help you with that.
