Afraid to Feel
Title: Afraid to feel
Rating: Rated PG-13 going a little bit to R eventually, I think.
Pairing: Ville/OFC
Disclaimer: This is a work of complete fiction. I do not own Ville Valo, his music, his band or his band mates and their families.
Summary: Ville Valo is not a good man. At least that is what Elina has come to understand. He is a killer, but her problem is that he is too wonderful to hate! (Not my best summary, but it’ll have to do for now)
Part II: Nightmares
"I was, so scared. . ." Elina trailed away as her head nodded in exhaustion. Her sensed numb, her mind wondered away from her body as sleep consumed her exhausted body. She began to loose conscience, drifting slowly to dreamland.
Suddenly she raised her head, blinking away the sleep in her eyes. Her eyes were pissing her off and if she rubbed them one more time she was going to hurt herself. Elina sighed, feeling as if the weight she carried had gotten lighter. It had been incredibly depressing to force herself to remembers memories that she had repressed years ago, but getting them off her chest had a liberating effect on her. She still wasn’t done, and she thought that the hardest part was still yet to come.
Looking to the side, Elina saw as Seth played with a piece of paper and a pen, inking the sheet with random strokes of his little plum hand. He was blabbering to himself as if someone was listening or understanding him. Vaguely Elina remembered he used to do those same peculiar sounds when Ville sang to him. She took a deep breath. In Seth baby language he was singing one of Ville's songs.
Regardless of the discomfort it caused her, Elina smiled and patted his head, at the same time as she turned to look at Gwen.
The older woman was looking away, clearly distraught by what Elina had told her. Though it was only the beginning of what Gwen had been waiting to know all her life, she found it a tad unbelievable. Stalkers, explosions and kidnaps, how could this had happened to the woman sitting before her? This girl seemed so nice and tranquil, but Gwen knew that that was only the product of a spirit being slightly broken. Elina's spirit was damaged with whatever Ville Valo had done to her.
Looking at Elina's past from a Conspirator's point of view, what the young woman had told her was pure gold. Since the moment Elina spoke her husband's name, Gwen had been excited. She was so obsessed with unmasking HIM, to the point that her fellow Conspirators thought she was actually a hard core fan.
"So," Elina began to get tiered of the older woman's silence. All kind of uncertainties were creeping around Elina’s head, and it was driving her a little crazy. Not only did her life depend on Gwen, Seth too, and that worried Elina even more. She had nowhere to go, no money to go back to America or even to buy a carton of milk. She had no family left, and no career. Elina felt like God had created her just to screw with her on a daily basis. "What do you think of my story? Do you believe me?"
"Believe you? Girl, believe might be too short of a word." Gwen said then grew serious. "Please accept my condolences on what happened."
This time Elina looked away, her hair shielding the truth in her eyes. She thought then that some times were best to say when the time was right. The young woman placed a hand over one of her eyes to relive some of the pain she felt, and then looked back at Gwen. "Do you have any questions or something?"
Gwen looked down to her hands, twisting her fingers together as she thought. To tell the truth, like Elina, she was exhausted as well. What was going on had yet to sink in. "It has been so much to take in, that it will take me a while to get my head screwed back on right. In the mean time you should take a nap."
"But--" Elina interjected, prepared to fight to stay awake, but lacking the much needed energies for the task.
The older woman raised her hand to silence the mother. The little boy next to her stared off at them with great interests. "Elina, no offence, but you look dreadful. I already cleared the guest bedroom for you."
"But, Seth--"
"I'll watch over him, until you are rested."
Though Elina knew she had lost the fight that didn’t mean that she was going to stop fighting. She got that way when she was sleepy "But--"
Gwen stood suddenly, her face angry as she lectured the young woman. "No more buts, already! You are not even thinking straight anymore, and you barely can keep your eyes open, not to mention that they are too red to be normal. You need to be strong for yourself and for Seth. Come on hop to it."
~@~
The bed looked so comfortable. Its sheets were so wonderfully arranged that they just dared you to lay down on them so you could feel what it was like to sleep on a cloud. And the pillows, the pillows that looked like mountains in a flat terrain look so soft and were so white, far too white and, and . . .
"For crying out loud, Elina! It's just a stupid bed." Elina said to herself as she resisted the urge to lie down on that appealing bed and forget about everything. But it was precisely that which kept her standing by the door of Gwen's guestroom. The thought of going to sleep was tempting to Elina; however her predicament kept her on edge. Her worst fear was walking up from her nap, and finding Ville there about to grab her neck to choke her. Like he had done many times before, only then it had been to cares not choke.
Hesitantly, she sat on the edge of the bed, breathing heavily. From the rest of the house she could hear the TV. Gwen was relieved to learn that even at his age; Seth was a hardcore SpongeBob fan. With a smile on her face, Elina could picture clearly how her little boy would be sitting straight inches from the TV, intently watching his favourite cartoon. She could hear the yellow character’s high pitched voice, and for a moment she wanted to join her son by the TV, but Gwen would have nothing of that. Gwen was right, she needed rest. In the situation she was in anything could happen at any moment.
Slowly, Elina felt that the room was spinning and suddenly she felt the side of her head hit the soft pillow she had observed earlier. Two or three seconds after hitting the pillow, Elina was in dreamland.
Elina didn’t know how long she had been asleep, such is the way of dreams, but her only hope was that the dream would end soon. The very reason she had forced herself to stay wake was now invading her dreams. The room she was in, Elina recognized all too well. She had slept there for three years. Everything was just as she had left it. The seat on the desk full of papers, the window curtains pulled away to let in the light, her hair brush on the dresser, even the mess she had made before leaving was there. And for some reason, she was kneeling on the carpeted floor, as if she had just fallen.
Suddenly the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. She knew someone was watching her. She felt eyes burn into her back with great intensity. Elina looked back and there he was in all his rock glory. At the moment she couldn’t see his, and that made things worst. However there was something worst, he was going to kill her. Ville was going to kill Elina, and it sent her to the edges of insanity.
"You promised, you promised." His voice reached her ears, and Elina gave an involuntary whelp of fear. "You promised me."
'You promised too', Elina wanted to say, but in this dream of her she had no voice, just like always. Normally Ville had been attentive and sweet, but all that went down the drain once he got mad at her.
"Where did you take them?" He asked with all the hatred Elina could imagine in him. Elina could hear the venom in his voice, venom she had tasted far too much. "How can you believe that I will not find my children?" His pose was so feral, and so cool that it made the woman feel even more unworthy and useless.
"Vi-lle." Elina managed to croak, but to no vain.
He reached her in a second, his hand circling her neck and tightening, preventing all air from reaching Elina’s lungs. His eyes were too intense that Elina felt she had more chances dying because of them than from the choking. "You are mine! Is it so hard to understand Elina? I am all you have now!"
Elina woke up with a whimper, jumping around the bed as she checked her surroundings with deep panic. A movement at her side frighten her and it was after that great suspicion that she breathed in a sigh of relief. Seth laid sleeping contently next to her, apparently unperturbed by her movements. He was curled up, sucking his thumb. Elina laid back down, happy of having the joy of her life close.
However, her mind couldn’t help but wonder what was to be of her future. With great difficulty she shoved away all thoughts of life changing decision she had on her head. If she didn’t then she would drive herself mad, even more so after dreaming about Ville. Though, it wasn’t the first time Elina had had that kind of dream.
With humanity pestering, Elina left Seth (place between pillows in case he moved or woke up, so he wouldn’t fall off the bed) to go to the bathroom. Gwen house wasn’t at all like she had thought Finnish houses to be like. Come to think of it, Gwen wasn’t even Finnish, but the thing was that the older woman’s home reminded Elina of the one she once had. Elina was crossing the corridor, when she jumped by the sounds of knocking on the front door. She looked back at the piece of wood, and she ran back to her room, leaving the door open so she could hear and see who it was. After several knocks, Gwen answered her door. Slowly, more anxiety entered Elina’s mind as she wondered who it could be.
Her anxiety only got worst.
In Elina’s mind, she imagined how Gwen went to answer the door, and came face to face with the visitor that made Elina shudder in fear. That voice she recognized it, though she wasn’t peculiarly close to its owner.
From her spot, the woman was only able to see Gwen’s back, and a little of Seppo’s face. And it was in that little view of his face that Elina was a blatant smile plastered on his face as he spoke to the owner of the house. Elina focused on what was being said, forcing her hearing to catch the words in exchange.
"...anything out of the ordinary?" Seppo was asking .
Gwen kept her cool all along, managing to impress Elina quite a lot. Then again Gwen was a Conspirator. "A night ago? Umm, no, I don’t think so. Everything was as tranquil as always." Gwen said, lying like a professional, which she was in a way. "What are you looking for exactly, Mr. Vesterinen?"
"A dog." Seppo said, making Elina almost shout out in anger. The nerve of that senile man! ‘Dog my ass’, Elina though as she grilled her teeth against each other, ‘I will remember that one you old fart!’ Seppo continued talking, with no knowing of Elina’s thoughts of him. "One of the guys back at the house brought a dog to the house, knowing that Ville is allergic. The one who tied it outside didn’t do the best of jobs."
The conversation had pissed off Elina, and it was with great precision that she returned to lie next to her son. She cuddled next to the boy, waiting until the ‘visitor’ left. It was that which made Elina think. If Seppo is in Finland, did that meant Ville was too? Furthermore, had he returned because of her? Though it felt impossible for her, the fact of the matter was that she had just seen Seppo in Gwen’s front door. He was asking for a dog, but was more than obvious that that dog was her. She had caused commotion, it had been what saved her life, and now Seppo was asking around. To her luck, Gwen didn’t have any immediate houses next to hers, so there was a big chance the neighbours heard nothing.
Elina listened intently to the sounds in the house. When she found none, she stood looking over Seth for a second or two. Hesitantly, she left his side again exiting the guest room to find her hostess.
She found Gwen in the kitchen, writing things down in a sheet of paper. Elina went to her, standing close by as she waited for her to finish. "A dog?" Gwen asked, her eyes still fixed to what she was writing on the piece of paper.
"Seppo is an old bastard. But he used to be nice to me."
Gwen gave that fact a thought, and continued writing on her paper, which was rapidly running out of space. The strokes she made were so fast that Elina could barely read what she was writing. It was a Conspirator’s report. "Huh? Anyway, I thought they would be looking for you more intensely."
"My escape caught the house at a bad time, even more so Ville."
The older woman placed the pen down, took the paper, and folded it four times. Then she hid it on a pocket of her skirt. "Yeah, the news announced that he made an emergency return this morning."
"I’m never going to be safe." Elina said, knowing that what she said was the biggest truth that had ever come out of her mouth.
"Don’t be a pessimist. Are you hungry?"
Elina shrugged. "Kinda."
"Well, how about you keep telling me you story while I cook for you?"
"Okay."
............
AN: I just leaned how relaxing a library can be. It's not full of sounds but it's not empty of the either. Anyway hope you enjoy. You should because I stayed at campus from 9:00 to 4:30, even when i knew I had no class or reason to stay, but I did it to have some free time to write. Whatever, I'm tiered and the computer is heavy. Why am I saying all this . . . I dont know really. My fingers are tuned ON and they just what to keep going and going. Next chapter who knows, maybe I'll start writting it now, maybe not. It depends on me of couse (well dont I feel evil). Like I said before enjoy and give me your thoughts.
FYI, I didn't check for errors . . .
Previously:
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/364507.html#cutid1 Prologue
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/366321.html?#cutid1 Part 1
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/366745.html#cutid1 Part 1: Chapter 1
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/367017.html#cutid1 Part 1: Chapter 2
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/367699.html#cutid1 Part 1: Chapter 3
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/368763.html#cutid1 Part 1: Chapter 4
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/370176.html Part 1: Chapter 5
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/370791.html Part 1: Chapter 6
http://community.livejournal.com/himfanfics/371194.html#cutid1 Part 2