GUEST POST: Santa S. Claus, artefact, December 2006

[santaslut]

Name: Santa S. Claus (aka Father Christmas, aka St. Nick, et al)
Format: Artefact (of sorts)
Date: December 2006
Relevance: Tis the Season

Comments

[santaslut]

*shifts a bit to take his weight, wrapping one arm companionably around Fenrir's waist to hold him steady*

*considers this request*
First of all, I don't take breaks. This is a 24/7 occupation, Wolfie. Secondly, you've not convinced me that you were good this year.

[santaslut]

*shocked*
Are you attempting to bribe Santa Claus?

*tightens his hand on Fenrir's waist, pulling him back a bit further*
Not-take-a-break? And 'not-leave-you-in-charge' of the kiddies?

[grim_smile]

*lowers himself deliberately onto Santa's lap, scooching a bit to get himself more comfortable*

*cockeyed smile*
I've been ever so good this year, Mr Claus and I'm sure you'd agree. Listen - there isn't anything you could do for me about the whole dead thing, is there? You know - as in me, erm... not being it? It's a bloody drag.

[santaslut]

*smiles broadly as Sirius approaches*
Now there's a pretty lad.

*settles his arm around Sirius' waist, fingers drifting over his hip*
Have you? Can you tell me something good you've done this year?

*considers*
You need to talk to Death about that. He's in the office two doors down from mine. He gets stroppy if I start messing with his files, you see.

[grim_smile]

*eyebrows arch*
*smoothly*
Those spectacles are just for show, aren't they? You quite obviously have very good eyesight.

*lips twitch at the roaming fingers*
*narrows his eyes, affecting an expression of great thought*
Well, let me pick a few. Hm. *counts off on his fingers*
I didn't haunt Remus for taking up with my cousin.
I didn't quarrel with Regulus. Much.
And, erm... well. *shifts a bit more* I'm currently giving you the pleasure of my company. How's that?

*disappointed*
Blast. I expect that'll be my next visit.
In that case I should think of something else to ask for...

[santaslut]

*pushes them back on his nose*
They make me look studious and respectable. *deep laugh* And I need all the help I can get, if you know what I mean.

*wrinkles his nose*
Maybe you should have haunted Remus for that. Clearly he only chatted her up because she could grow a cock and look like you.
*smiles slowly up at him at his shifting*
Care to give me a bit more, laddie? I only get to do this once a year so I have a lot of pent-up... gifts.

*nods*
He's not a bad bloke if you catch him on a day he's not sat on his scythe or had a run-in with the Tooth-Fairy. He hates that old queen.

[serpent_lord]

*pushes his way up to the front of the queue, knocking over several children*

*goes back and pushes over one he's missed and steals her candy, then returns to the front of the queue*

*walks forward confidently and sits on Santa's lap*

I don't want to be a vampire. I want real immortality.

[santaslut]

*watches the children topple into one another, domino-like down the queue, lips twitching*

*sits back to allow him to sit more comfortably*
Well if it isn't little Tommy...

*shakes his head*
Real immor-
*breaks off noticing the candy in his hand*
Did you bring enough to share?

[serpent_lord]

No one calls me that anymore. *smirks* In fact, no one calls me anything.

*looks at his candy, obviously weighing his dislike of sharing with the possible benefits*

*breaks candy in half and offers Santa the smaller piece*

Yes. And I'd like my immortality now. I've got a few Mudbloods to torture and then some fools from the Ministry to place under Imperius. I'm swamped, and simply haven't time to wait.

[santaslut]

*warningly*
So I'm a no one now? You hurt my feelings, Tommy.

*reaches over the offered piece and takes the larger one, plopping it immediately into his mouth*
*sucks on the sweet for a moment then looks up at him*
Immortality isn't my department. I've been telling you that for years. Wouldn't you like a nice train set or pink bunny suit? Or a journal to write your autobiography in. They say books are the only real immortality.

[hismagdalen]

*she perches primly on his knee and straightens her skirt, before looking him directly in the eye*
A lady shouldn't have to prove that she has behaved, it should be a universally accepted fact.

Now I would like my present.

[santaslut]

*smiles congenially at her, holding her steadily on his knee*
It should be. But you are no ordinary lady, Bellatrix. Tell me something you've done that is good this year. Then you can tell me what you'd like for a present.

[hismagdalen]

*she blinks at him*
I haven't removed anyone's entrails through their eye sockets. I think that demonstrates remarkable restraint.

[santaslut]

*considers her for a long moment then nods*
You're right. I would question the actual ability to do such a thing, but blood is so hard to get out of fur. But yes, for you that is remarkably restrained.

So what would you like for Christmas?

[hexed_molly]

*jumps up and down*

Santa! Santa!

*jumps some more*

*realizes that, in all the excitement, she forgot to put on a bra*

Oh, dear! Oh, well...only comes once a year, right?

*jumps up and down some more, putting a little shimmy into it*

SANTA!

[santaslut]

*watches her with amusement, leering a bit as her ample bosom jiggles almost as well as his belly does when he's putting on the show for Mrs Claus*
Yes, Miss Molly?

[hexed_molly]

Er...do you think you could possibly fix this black eye I've just managed to give myself?

*blushes*

Other than that...well, I think you can guess what I'd like for Christmas!

[santaslut]

*chuckles and offers her a bag of frozen peas*
Consider that thanks for the jiggle and jive.

*puts on a stern face*
Now Molly. I told you last time I wasn't going to impregnate you any more. You know Arthur was getting suspicous when Ron was born with that sleigh birthmark on his little baby bottom.