Take One Bear Jew, Add One Time Lord... (Inglourious Basterds/Doctor Who, PG-13) (2/?)
Title: Take One Bear Jew, Add One Time Lord... (2/?)
Rating: PG-13 (for strong language)
Fandoms: inglourious Basterds/Doctor Who
Characters: Sgt. Donny Donowitz (The Bear Jew), the Eleventh Doctor
Warning: MAJOR spoilers for the ends of Inglourious Basterds and Doctor Who: "The End of Time, Part 2."
Summary: Donny's confusing first trip in the TARDIS.
A/N: I had originally planned this as a three-part story, but this has turned out to be longer.
Chapter 1
Numb. He's never felt that before.
"You're stuck here, Donny."
The phrase rings in his ears.
He didn't believe it at first, of course. He lashed out, as always---shouted, threatened, strangled (tried, anyway); it was what he was best at.
Then he opened the doors.
Blue. Endless, swirling blue. Every shade, plus some other colors. It was...everything. And the Bear Jew wasn't even a bug on the fuckin' windshield. Donny staggered back.
"I told you not to open it," the Doctor said, sounding like he expected it. "A friend of mine traveled through the vortex clinging to the back of the TARDIS."
"What happened?" Donny asked, still stunned.
"He died."
And now he's here, lying on the floor in this random room that he found. The walls are made of stars. How many fuckin' rooms does this place have? Maybe it just never ends. Anyway, what the fuck does he care? This probably is the afterlife: his personal Hell---stuck with some snooty, tweed-wearing, British rich boy for the rest of eternity. Whoop-dee-fuckin'-doo. The Bear Jew and a little twerp. What would Aldo and the other guys think of that? Doesn't matter now...
---
"Donny, wake up." He feels someone gently shake his shoulder. Shit. That dick's still here. And the walls are still made of stars.
"No. Just leave me the fuck alone. Goddammit." Donny rolls over, turning away from the Doctor.
"Why?"
"If I hafta be in Hell, I'm gonna spend it in the fucking star-room, got it?!" Feels good to raise his voice. He hasn't done that in a few days---at least he thinks it's days...
"Donny, why would this be Hell?" The Doctor's calm voice nearly makes Donny nauseous.
"Well, for starters, you took me away from everything. Why'd you take me, asshole? Answer me THAT!"
The Doctor is silent for a minute. "I wanted to save a life. I've seen too much death recently. So I went through the void and found you. You could have a second chance, you know."
Donny rolls back over and stares into those blue eyes. "I don't care. Leave. Me. Alone."
The Doctor just grins (Donny thinks he does that too much). "Sorry, mate, it's my ship. Besides, you've lain in here moping for nearly four days---alright, I'm approximating, but it's been long enough. And I have a proposition for you."
Donny raises his eyebrows. "What?"
"I wanted to ask if you could be my companion."
"What?"
"You see, Donny Donowitz, I don't like to travel alone; I prefer a companion to share the wonders of the universe with. And under the circumstances, you seem like a fair choice. We're a bit stuck with each other, anyway."
"WHAT?!" Donny's eyes look like they might pop out of their sockets.
"Oh, I used to do that, too." The Doctor looks giddy for a moment, but quicly becomes more serious. "Be my companion."
"Fuck no." He rolls away again.
"Do you have any other options? Sergeant, I want to make this up to you. This is my fault after all. Come with me."
Donny turns to him and glares.
"Funny, I thought the Bear Jew was stronger than this."
Donny doesn't answer.
"Alright-y then. Let's get you to the wardrobe and out of those hospital clothes---we can't have you running around time and space looking like a mental patient." The Doctor pulls the Bear Jew up and leads him out of the star-room. "Oh, yeah, this might take a while---I'm not sure how to get there from here."
---
When they finally find the wardrobe, the Doctor leaves Donny to explore.
Fuck, that's a lot of clothes, he thinks.
He goes through the racks and racks of shirts, pants, jackets, and all the shoes and accessories, but nothing fits. Either it's too old-fashioned (like that plaid coat-thing that he was sure even Sherlock Holmes wouldn't have been caught dead in) or too tight or small (like that nice trenchcoat that was clearly made for a very skinny person). Then there are some weird poofy shirts that he's pretty sure the Doctor never wore, a crazy coat that someone's mother probably sewed out of fabric scraps, and a scarf that was probably four times as long as Donny was tall. And he didn't even want to know what the dresses were for.
Goddamn, the Doctor had to be rich to afford all this stuff. Donny didn't know anybody back home who owned this much stuff. Maybe that's why this place is so damn big: to store all the crap he kept buying.
As he thinks about all of this, Donny finally settles on the least flamboyant pieces in the wardrobe: some black boots (it'd taken forever to find some in his size), plain black pants (they just fit---he didn't need the belt), and a dark red sweater (it's a bit small and he doesn't even like sweaters, but it'll have to do). He puts them all on, and then he sees it.
A battered, black leather jacket.
Did the Doc steal this from a U-boat captain? Aw, who cares? Donny likes it. The war's over anyway, right?
He slips one arm in, then the other. Pulls it up. A perfect fit.
Before he leaves, Donny takes a quick look in the mirror.
Huh. Not too bad, Donowitz.
---
He goes back to the console room, where the Doctor is waiting, hands at the controls. He glances at Donny and does a double take.
"What?" Good God, what did he fuck up now?
The Doctor looks him up and down a couple of times. "Oh, nothing. It's just...you look good in that. Well, the jacket, not so much the sweater."
"Uh, thanks, maybe?"
"So, then, Sergeant Donowitz," he begins. "All of time and space: everywhere and anywhere, every star that ever was---where do you want to start?"
---
Backwards or forwards in time?
Donny picks forwards.
---
"Donny, I'd like you to meet the universe." The Doctor pushes the door open and smiles.
Donny hesitates. Then he steps outside. He's awestruck, to say the least.
The sky is green, soft and pastel, but still green. The grass is purple. He fixates on the small blades blowing in the wind, trying to figure out how something can look so familiar and so fuckin' foreign at the same time. And the trees---bright blues, electric oranges, yellows brighter than uri---he shouldn't even go there.
Focus, Donowitz.
"So what's the mission?" he asks, trying to confident. "Stop a civil war, colonize the natives, rip some other jackass from his life?"
"Donny..." The Doctor rests his hand on Donny's shoulder. Donny shoots him his umpteenth glare. "You see, Sergeant, sometimes that happens, but not today. This is a peaceful planet. We've both had enough war. Let's go." And the Doctor strolled off towards the multicolored jungle.
"Wait, both? Doc---" Donny follows after him, and---is that a five-legged deer?
"Oh, that's nothing, Sergeant. Wait 'til you see the native women."
---
Sure enough, the natives discover them, and now Donny finds himself at some weird campfire party.
They're purple. The...people. And the women...have three of them. Three tits. And they wear loincloths and brassieres. Fuck. And they're purple. Donny knows he's not very smart, but really, purple people? What the fuck is he supposed to think of that?
And that one over on the other side of the campfire won't stop staring at him. Yeah, like that. If any normal girl, sure, he'd be fine with that, but she's purple! And blonde. Donny didn't really care for blondes. They were kind of boring.
The Doctor doesn't notice that Donny's been glaring at everyone (everything?) since they found this village or clan or pack or whatever the hell it was. He was too busy mingling and marveling at everything.
And now the female is sitting down next to him on the log, her green eyes big and bright and kind of sweet...No. That's just not...Fuck no. She places her long, thin, purple hand on Donny's caressing it. Oh, shit, he's got a great view of her three... He feels paralyzed. Come on, Donowitz, do something! You're the goddman Bear Jew, for fuck's sake! he tells himself. Now her hand caresses his left arm in its thick leather sleeve. Now she's cupping his face in her hands and---
WHACK!
Next thing Donny knows, he's standing up and the female's on the ground, whimpering. The festivities stop. Everyone (everything?) stares at them. Donny knows that collective look---used it all the time back...somebody grabs his right hand.
"Run!" the Doctor whispers harshly. So they do---all the way back to the TARDIS, never looking back. Donny's jacket flares out as he runs, dodging the arrows aimed for his head.
---
"Donny, d'you mind telling me what the hell that was, exactly?" the Doctor asks as he starts frantically pushing buttons and pulling levers and thwacking something with a ballpeen hammer. The TARDIS shakes and rattles as they take off into...wherever. "They are a peaceful people!"
"Didn't look like it from where I was standin'." Donny grabs the handrail near the door to keep his balance.
"You lashed out against one of their own: of course they retaliated! Those people are fierce believers in 'one for all, all for one.'"
"Are they really 'people'?" Donny asks through gritted teeth.
"Haven't some people asked questions like that about you?" The Doctor looks at the small screen in front of the giant tube and begins typing on some more buttons. The TARDIS wobbles and spins anyway.
"Don't you know how to fly this thing?" Fly? Sail? Drive? Donny doesn't know. Just one more thing to add to that list.
"On a good day, yes! I don't think this is one." Another thwack. The TARDIS keeps thrashing anyway.
"Doc, she was all over me! What the fuck was I supposed to do?!"
"She'd never seen a human male before! She was just curious! No need to punish her for that!" He has this know-it-all look on his face that makes Donny want to punch him until his chin evens out.
"Thanks for explaining. Might've helped to know that before they pulled out the arrows!" The TARDIS keeps rumbling, and Donny looks down and realizes his knuckles have turned white from clutching the railing. He still thinks he's going to fall over anyway. With another thwack, the TARDIS calms down. "You know what? Fuck you, Doc."
Donny lets go of the railing and storms through the console room into the corridor.
He manages to hear the Doctor grumble, "You've used that word so many times that I fear it's lost all meaning."
---
Donny wanders around until he finds the star-room again. Now this is peaceful. He kicks off his boots, takes off the leather jacket and the too-tight sweater, lies back on the floor, and stares up at the ceiling. Did he stick real stars in there? Probably not, but with this guy, anything's possible.
He's gotta wonder, why does he leave the guy breathing? Well, without this Doctor dick, he's stuck in Purple-People-Land. Not a really happy thought. Would Aldo or Omar or any of the other guys put up with this shit? Donny imagines Aldo pinning the Doctor down at knifepoint while he holds the gun and the Doctor's eyes widen with fear, and then he drifts off to sleep. Again.
---
When he wakes up, Doctor Rich-Boy Know-It-All is standing over him and holding a large cardboard box.
"Is this the begin of a trend, Sergeant?" He looks kind of amused.
"Is it, Doc?" Donny raises his eyebrows and puts his hands behind his head.
"It's Doctor, if you don't mind. Anyway, I've come to apologize." The Doctor looks solemn now, like someone told him his trust fund went bankrupt. "You were right: I didn't explain. Unfortunately, it's a bit late for that. I will tell you that you're the first companion I've had in ages who hasn't had any knowledge of aliens---filtered through popular culture, at least. The next trip will be to somewhere less foreign."
"Where?"
"That's a surprise."
"Doc, your surprises suck balls."
"Yeah, you know, I really had forgotten that the women had three...well, yes, you know." The Doctor inhales sharply.
"How the hell do you forget about that?"
The Doctor chuckles. "I really don't know, Sergeant. I'm just not as sexual as humans are."
Donny cocks his head to the right. "Then what the fuck are you, Doc?"
"I'm a Time Lord. I walk among centuries, run through millenia, and dance in little circles when no one's looking." He gives a half-hearted grin.
Donny just stares.
"I am a member of one of the universe's oldest civilizations, the one charged with watching over all of time and space." The Doctor purses his lips together and his chin looks more pronounced than ever.
"You do a bit more than watch, dontcha?"
"Yeah, I was always a bit of a rebel."
Donny rolls his eyes. "Rebels don't wear tweed."
"No, they wear Army uniforms." The Doctor pauses, then smacks the side of the box he's holding. "Oh, yes, speaking of, I picked these up for you. Thought they might look better with that jacket---at least on you. I hadn't realized those sweaters aren't for everyone." He drops the cardboard box at Donny's feet.
Donny sits up and opens the box. He pulls out brightly colored T-shirt after brightly colored T-shirt, from sunny yellow to deep purple. "Uh...thanks, I think?" He can't remember the last time someone gave him something for free.
"You're very welcome." The Doctor smiles broadly as he turns towards the star-room's door. "And we'll be landing soon, so you might want to put one of those on---bare-chested isn't in yet." As the Doctor leaves, Donny hears him mutter, "I can see why they call him the Bear Jew..."
"You're a fuckin' terrible mumbler!" Donny puts on the bright red T-shirt, slips on the leather jacket, and heads back to that room with the tube.
For the first time since he woke up on this ship, his clothes feel comfortable.
---
When he gets back to the tube-room---console room?---he finds the Doctor holding a stethoscope.
"Uh...what the hell?"
"I figured you'd want proof. Of what I am." The Doctor holds out the stethoscope.
Donny takes it reluctantly and puts it to his ears.
The Doctor grins (that's getting just a little bit annoying). "No need to look nervous: just listen."
Donny puts the end on the left side of the Doctor's chest. "Just a heartbeat."
"Now move it to the right."
Donny does. Another heartbeat. He's slackjawed. "How the..."
"Binary vascular system: two hearts. Not human."
"Fuck no." Donny blinks.
"Nothing to be afraid of, though." The TARDIS rattles and thrashes once again. The Doctor and Donny hold on tight to the console. The TARDIS settles down. "Ah, here we are. I know you'll like this place much better." The Doctor strides towards the door. "Vamanos!"
Donny stays put and raises his eyebrows.
"That's Spanish for 'let's go!'" The Doctor pushes the door open.
---
Donny steps out. He knows this place, or thinks he does. But there are too many skyscrapers and everything's so shiny and---why the fuck is that car flying?! Everything's different, but the same. He can just feel. It's gotta be---
"Boston, Massachusetts, United States of America in the year 2142." The Doctor beams.
"You are fucking shitting me."
"Nope. You know I'm right. It's written all over your face, as cliche as that may sound." The Doctor claps Donny on the shoulder. The Bear Jew doesn't push it away.
"Seriously?"
"Yep. And d'you know what?" The Doctor's eyes look slightly wild now. "I know for a fact that the Red Sox are playing at Fenway today. I thought we might go, but if you don't want to---"
"Fuck yes, I want to!" Donny feels excited for the first time since the...
"Alright then, but I should warn you: some of the players have robotic limbs---made of metal."
"Doc, as long as they still got a ball, a bat, and the Green Monster, I'm good."
"Of course they do."
Donny smiles. At least there's one thing the future can't change.
"As I said, vamanos." The Doctor tries to take Donny's hand, but he refuses.
"Doc, I do not hold hands."
"Okay, that's fine with me." The Time Lord casually walks off down the street.
Donny follows.