I feel like hitting something.
Warning, guys: this ain’t pretty. Not that there’s actual smut in it…but remember Mira-or-Jess from sueslaps? Well, this one’s worse, in principal if not in content.
TITLE: Vacation Gone Wrong
CULPRIT: confounded
SUMMARY: Your name is Marina Vanilla. For your birthday, your parents take you to the carribean. When you arrive and go swimming, things turn from bad to worse..
BEST LINE: “You were glad that you watched the first and second of Pirates of the Carribean 70 times this week. No matter how hard you tried, though, you couldn't memorize every line. It was a problem you have endured for your entire life and you've learned to live with it.” I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a PotC fan…so why does this sentence have me screaming, “Run away! Run away!”?
AND:
A description of the ocean: “It was beautiful. Like a sparkling oasis in an angelic area.” I think you need to work on your geographical terms, there.
Verdict:
NAME: Marina Vanilla. Somehow, a Suethor has managed to find a worse appellation than [Insert Your Name Here].
HAIR: “Your chocolate hued hair was elbow length and beautifully shiny due to constant washing. The moonlight added to the gloss.” And are “you” constantly looking at your own hair so that you can tell us this? Also, “earthen locks”. You know, hon, they have shampoo to remedy that.
EYES: “Your forest green eyes were the source of all envy from your friends because no one else in your school had green eyes. Strange, really.” Very strange, as green eyes aren’t as much of a rarity as Suethors like to think.
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: “You” are eleven years old. Frankly, I can’t see the appeal of that. I mean, most of the readers are older than that, and to be a writer on the Pit, you have to be at least thirteen. Why would you want to pretend to be an eleven-year-old?
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: “You wore a simple yet elegant black nightgown with golden lacy edges that went to your knees.” Also, a choker with a pearl on it.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The U.S., current time.
OBNOXIOUS AND OR… no. FILTHY AND HIDEOUSLY WRONG CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: And I quote - “BTW, your love interests will be Barbossa and Jack in this one.”
That’s right. You are eleven years old, and your love interests are Barbossa and Jack.
Before that, I think thirteen was the record for a JackOC.
How low d’you think they can go?
*retchretchretchretch*
The “Plot”: Ugh. I can barely get through this one. Well, in keeping with the, er, childlike quality of the heroine, “you” decide to wish on a shooting star. And because I guess this is Pinocchio (ladies’ underwear included), your wish is granted. I think you get hit by a shark, or something, and then faint. *shakes head* They get stranger and stranger every time.
I kind of want to stop the summary right here, because the author hasn’t written much farther, and I do NOT want to think about the implications of the coming child abuse romance.
NOTES: I have only one thing to say: “You” (second-person) stories are not allowed on fanfiction.net.
Report, report, report!
So if I’m the Sue, does that mean I can wish this out of existence?
Vacation Gone Wrong
---
Written by confounded.
Starring..
You as.. Marina Vanilla
---
confounded: Well, I hope you enjoy the first of my many stories that include you!
In this one, you're an eleven year old girl named Marina Vanilla who has always wanted to go to the carribean. The only excuse I can make for this is that the author might be that age. Of, course, if she is, she has broken two Pit rules off the bat: she’s underage, and she’s writing in second person.For your birthday, your parents are taking you there. How lucky! Then, something goes wrong..
---
Ch. 1 - Wishing Upon a Shooting Star
You sat alone in your room, pondering on today's events. Your chocolate hued hair was elbow length and beautifully shiny due to constant washing. The moonlight added to the gloss. Your forest green eyes were the source of all envy from your friends because no one else in your school had green eyes. Strange, really. So far, I’m really getting a good picture of “today’s events”.
You wore a simple yet elegant black nightgown with golden lacy edges that went to your knees. It was an early gift from your parents for your birthday tomorrow. 'I'm gonna be twelve!' you thought, smiling happily. Your parents had promised to take you to the carribean, a place you loved so much. It was your dream to go there and your wish was coming true. Nope, sorry. Already been to the Caribbean. Although perhaps this “carribean” place that they keep talking about is different.
You've studied the carribean in your spare time -- even your room was carribean themed! You looked around and smiled at the view you recieved. ( A/N: Your room will be revealed in the next chapter! ) Until then, it’s invisible! Standing, your feet met the soft carpet as you shuffled along to your window.
Staring out at the night sky was a hobby of yours. The pure stars twinkling in the dark sky calmed you almost as much as the ocean did. "It's so beautiful out tonight." you said to yourself, contently lowering your forest green eyes. Way to change viewpoints on us. Here’s some news for you: using two viewpoints (looking through “your” eyes at the stars and at your eyes) simultaneously is an awful thing to do to your readers. Then, something a blazing white shot across the sky with great speed, leaving a sparkling trail behind it. You gasped in surprise and quickly clasped your hands together, now closing your eyes.
A shooting star is very rare to see. You knew this because, in your eleven years of life, you've never seen one. Ever. Well, in the first eleven years of my life, I had never seen an “R” rated movie. That means that they’re incredibly scarce. What fun these Sue logic lessons are! It was a beautiful thing to witness. Now, what to wish for..
"I wish," you whispered softly as to not wake anyone,"that something unexpected and fun would happen while I'm at the carribean." Unclasping your hands and opening your eyes, you happily lay down on your soft bed and thought about the possibilities of the carribean.
Clear waters, warm sand, fresh air.. sunburn, weird fish for breakfast, there was so much to look forward to!
You were glad that you watched the first and second of Pirates of the Carribean 70 times this week. No matter how hard you tried, though, you couldn't memorize every line. It was a problem you have endured for your entire life and you've learned to live with it.
After all, why would you need to? It wasn't like you were going to see any pirates out in the carribean..
..right? If you squint, this kind of looks like suspense. …right?
I’m surprised Sues don’t angst over people teasing them about their absurd names.
"MARINA LYNN VANILLA, WAKE UP NOW!"
Your eyes shot open and you screamed, falling off of your bed, tangled in the sheets. Your body hit the blue carpeted floor of your room. The wallpaper was of the ocean, beautiful and realistic. You mean, with sand that gets in your bathing suit, and brine that gives your hair that special ragged look? Seashells and conches were scattered across your desk. Obviously, you loved the sea to no end.
There were also posters of POTC I and II on yours walls as well as your own drawings. They were actually.. good! You adored Hector Barbossa, too. He was just.. hott. Yes, hot with two 't's. That's how hott he is. Score one for the Sooper Speshul Seekrit Fangirl Edition!
"AYE, MA'AM! I BE UP N' READY NOW!" you shouted, surprised, at your mother. She laughed and shook her head. "You still need to make your bed and get dressed. Hurry up!" You nodded and untangled yourself in the warm blankets as your mother left your room.
"The Black Pearl be mine!" you laughed insanely, popping in a CD into your stero. The song began and you started getting dressed. The song's name, you ask? Dance Dance Revolution's Captain Jack!
Of course, first you put on your undergarments. No explaining that, thank ya! Someone’s English teacher needs to point out what is and is not important to state when writing a story.
You then pulled your black bandana out of your drawer and unfolded it, tying it around your head tightly. It had a white 'x' in the front, perfectly centered. Taking a blue brush off of your desk, you proceeded to brush your earthen locks before continuing onto your dressing session.
"Run along with Captain Jack, run until the peace come back.." you sang to yourself, slipping on a halter top as green has your eyes. Black silk served as the sleeves, surpassing your arm's length and hanging 6 inches over your hand.
The product covered your stomach region as well. For a twelve year old ( A/N: Remember, today's your birthday! ) you were pretty slim. Just healthy slim, not sickly.
You also pulled on a forest green mini skirt, silky to the touch. Black silk served as your stockings, too. Knee high black combat boots with silver buckles would be your footwear. They had a spongey padding inside to keep your feet comfortable. You were very stylish in dressing yourself, I must say! (nn) *headdesk*
[…]
You had changed into a white tankini with green vine-like designs curling around. The carribean water was cool as freshing. You could actually see the water and below, unlike the oceans back home.
It was beautiful. Like a sparkling oasis in an angelic area. Shaking your head, you realized that you were still without your parents. They wouldn't be able to see you, so you'd have to be careful. Diving down into the crystalic pools of liquid Crystalic?, you opened your eyes and found out, that astonishingly, the water didn't sting your eyes. WRONG!
'Perfect!' you though, swimming contently through the pure, carribean waters. The pull of the ocean was dragging you out further into the ocean, unnoticed by you. Oh, good; this one’s going to drown. Unless you’re a professional swimmer, it’s generally not a good idea to swim in ocean water much above your waist. You surfaced for air before diving down deeper, trying to feel the sandy bottom and.. something hit your side.
You paid no mind to it, for your forest green orbs Will we never hear the end of this?! were locked on something else -- something shiny on the sandy seafloor. You loved shiny things. ..don't ask.
You reached down and grasped a.. choker? Yes, it was a choker with a, uh.. pearl on it. ARGH! The thing hit your side again and you caught a glimpse of a large shadow above you. You still didn't care. GOSH DARNIT, CARE ALREADY! ..sorry.
Lots of overacting.
You soon awoke to the chuckling and rough laughter of two.. men? "Urk.." you groaned, sitting up and gently banging your forehead with one man's head. A popping sound was heart and at that you opened your gorgeous eyes *passes out sporks to everyone* This is made so much worse by the fact that I have dark green eyes. to meet with..
..Ragetti and Pintel.
"AUGH!" you screeched. Ragetti was busy trying to locate his wooden eye that you had dislocated for him. How kind of you, missy.
"Shark! Shark! I'm gonna DIIIIIIEEEE! No, no n--!" Pintel covered your mouth with his left hand. "Quiet!" he ordered, looking around. "You'll be wakin' the captain." You nodded slightly and used his hand as an advantage to help you up. He just grinned and bowed politely while you smiled and rolled your eyes.
"So, ya got your eye back, Ragetti?" you questioned the pirate as he looked up at you. "..'ow do you be knowin' my name? Are you, y'know," he raised his hands and wiggled his fingers around,"magic?"
"Magic? Uh.. sure. Let's go with that!" You looked around and noticed that the sky was pitch black with tiny stars glittering around. You shivered. It was cold outside and it seemed you were still wearing your bathing suit.
"H-hey, g-g-guys?" you chattered, shivering. They looked towards you, Pintel raising an eyebrow questionally. "D-do you know w-w-where my clothes a-are?" The two pirates grinned and shook their heads. "Not a clue, poppit." ( A/N: You can guess who that is! (: )
"I WANT CLOTHES!" you screeched at Pintel angrily as Ragetti sped off in the other direction, slipping on the wet deck and falling on his back. His wooden eye popped out once again, flew up in the air, then landed in his mouth.
He swallowed.
The male The male? Why are you defining characters by their sex on an all-male crew? started holding his throat, trying to cough the thing up. Also, he was choking on the object. ( A/N: Boo hoo. ): ) Pintel didn't know what to do, so he just kept punching him in random places, hoping for a result. Well, I suppose bruises are a result..
"Move away, sir!" you ordered and Pintel obeyed, stepping to the side. You stood behind Ragetti and, at that very moment, realized how short you were. Well, you're only 12..
Grumbling to yourself, you wrapped your arms around his waist and proceeded with the Heimlik Maneuver. ( A/N: I SO know that's not spelled correctly xD ) Then stop smiling about it and look up the correct spelling! After a few tries, the object dislodged itself from the pirate's throat and fell into his hands. He looked at it, smiled weakly and then fainted.
Pintel stared down at his crewmate, then at you. "How'd ye do tha'?" You grinned triumphantly and raised your hands, wiggling your fingers. "Maaaaaaagic." He scoffed and helped Ragetti up who, of course, fell down. Again.
Suddenly, the reconizable sound of a door slowly opening was known to you and the two pirates. Out from the room came.. Chuck E. Cheese! Yep, this is an eleven-year-old author, all right. No, wait, that's not it. You shook your head, wet locks scattering droplets around. Ah! There we go.
It was..
---
confounded: w00t! Yaaaaay! This is my favorite story I've ever thought of. (: Just imagine what her other ones were like!