And now, for some samurai.
Good news! The Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest trailer is up on Yahoo. Go see it. It is tantalizing. Today, I have for you an old favorite:
TITLE: Pirates of the Caribbean
CULPRIT: Kuramasgirl556
SUMMARY: Nicole and her sister Kyia live on a small island in the Caribbean. Nicole's old friend Jack(who left the island 10 years ago) has come back,but it might be the last time. Disclaimer:Does not follow the real story.
BEST LINE: I was stupid enough to go down to the shore and great the samurai like they were just wondering pirates that needed rest like so many others. Ahh, the good ole samurai, just waiting to attack the Caribbean. This story made the Fifty Worst Lines cut on heave_ho's very first entry.
THE VERDICT
NAMES: Nicole and Kyia/Kiya/Kiaya. I can't figure out which...nor can the author, apparently.
HAIR: Not described
EYES: Not described
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: Nicole has a mind of her own. It seems like she and her sister are Japanese. Don't ask, because I don't know, either.
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Lots of songs that shouldn't exist yet. Also, a horse named Yakul.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: A family of warriors from an "inoccent" village in the Caribbean that gets attacked. By samurai.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Nicole is Jack's True Love, which the author lets us know by having Jack scream over and over again, "DON'T DIE ON ME!" He comes to her rescue and talks with her for no apparent reason.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Surviving the decimation of an entire village.
THE "PLOT": There are "inoccent" people living in a village in the Caribbean. Sue says that this island is cursed; I'm pretty sure it's Isla de Muerta, since she says in the beginning that Jack hasn't visited her in ten years. The "inoccent" people are attacked. By samurai. In the Caribbean. Apparently Sue's mother died when the samurai attacked...or else it was her father. The fic is unclear on that point. The samurai devastated the village, though why they wanted to do so is beyond me. For reasons of plot contrivance, the Sue and her sister survive. They angst for eight years until Jack comes back, bearing with him Will Turner. They have a tearful meeting, in which Jack say he's sorry he left her, and then out of nowhere some random dudes go around torching the village... even though the Sue assures us that samurai completely destroyed the village eight years ago, so I'm not sure exactly what it is they are torching. Sue rides on her horse, Yakul...don't ask me how the villagers managed to bring a horse to Isla de Muerta...and we have a brief songfic interlude before Jack takes her aboard the ship to save her, dumping her on shore again when the torching's done and leaving her there. The fic ends with the Sue wondering when he'll return.
I have a few questions for this fic. 1. Isla de Muerta is rock and not much else. How did the Sues survive? 2. How did the villagers find the island? 3. As far as I know, Jack never visited the island ten years ago; his crew mutinied before they reached Isla de Muerta. So how did Jack visit her? 4. Barbossa and his crew-murdering, bloodthirsty pirates-have visited the island on the several occasions. Why did the villagers not notice them, or better yet, why didn't the pirates slaughter them? 5. Has the author looked at a world map at any point in her life?
NOTES: I'm going to go with the original formatting for the first chapter of this fic. When it was first posted, this story was a single-chapter, 2500-word paragraph. It took the author at least ten months to fix this, despite copious complaints from her reviewers. Here it is, in all of its, er, majesty.
Pirates of the Caribbean I was no known of the fact of pirates until I was a young woman. Sure, I had seen pirate ships from time to time when I was younger,but I never knew that they were something more than just ships sailing out into the Atlantic. The only scary thing was that I knew one of them. She knew a pirate ship? His name was Jack Sparrow. I thought ships were supposed to be female. He had come to the island when I was fairly young. I had no idea back then that he was a pirate. I guess it was because that my father never told me, or it just because he was simple afriad. Or maye just simple. Not that it mattered to me or anything. A paragraph break might be nice about now. It's been ten years since then. My name is Nicole. I'm 16 years old with a mind of my own. She was six when she first met Jack and her father let her talk to a pirate? And that's only because I grew up in a family of warriors. That's what we do. Protect the island and the inoccent people that dwell on this island in the Caribbean. The Inoccent People: a little-known island-dwelling race protected by Sues. To us this place is not a curse. It's a resting place so we can get on with our lives. I haven't seen Jack in a while. I've pretty much forgotten about him. And that's only because he hasn't been to the island in ten years. But it's not that I care or anything. I don't even know if I want him back or not. "Nicole! Get over here!"it was my sister Kiaya. "What is it?" "Look out onto the bay." There’s this lovely little invention called the “enter” key, and it shouldn't take ten months to discover it. I did. And what I saw was or ordinary ship. It looked like Jack's ship. I can't be,I thought. Well, I sure hope you’re not. "Do you think it's really him?" "You never know. Might as well check it out." Behold, the late seventeenth century dialogue. "No. I'll wait until the come on to shore. They might be the samurai again." The SAMURAI?! Eight years ago our village was attacked by samurai. *blinkblink* Samurai? Samurai? I was stupid enough to go down to the shore and great *snicker* the samurai like they were just wondering pirates "I wonder how I managed to get stuck in this Suefic. Drat!" that needed rest like so many others. But I was wrong. So, Samurai don't need sleep? The samurai attacked our village that night and almost everything was destroyed. Many people made it,and some did not. My father was one that did not make it out of there alive. I still couldn't believe that he stayed in the building while I was to run out carrying my baby sister Kiya. I thought it was Kiaya. But now he was dead. And it was all my fault. How was it your fault? I went down to the bay to see a man standing by the flag of the ship. In the crow’s nest, or was he just floating in midair? I guess he was getting ready to land. But I took one look at his face,made me think. Who was this man? Why was he here? What did he want? But then I recognized the ship. It was the one Jack had been one Eh? ten years ago. Or so I thought. No. It can't be him,I thought. I just can't be. You just can't be, huh? *watches with satisfaction as Sue vanishes from the universe* But then I looked up again. There was another man with him. He was a handsome young man who looked about to be fairly in his 20s. But I didn't care about that. I just wanted to know if that man was actually Jack. I then saw the man look down at me and smile. Oh god,I thought. It's got to be him. No man would smile at me like that and I knew it. I then went down to the shore so I could help the men so they could land safely. The tide was about to about go out again and that can be a real danger to most people. How is a receding tide dangerous? Especially went trying to land on a island such as this one that was so small. Was it one of those special piratate islands that can only be spotted from 100 yards? When we were done I waited to see if the man was really Jack so I wouldn't be fooling with myself. What happened to, "It's got to be him"? Was his lovelorn, un-canon smile not enough of a tip-off? My horse Yakul How, exactly, did you transport him to this island? started to back away from me. But I wouldn't let him. I wanted to show him that I wasn't afriad of this man. And that was only because I knew him. "Yakul,c'mon. It's going to be alright. I promise you." He finally took a chance and started to walk back to me. "I guess he doesn't remember me,"said a voice behind me. "At least not as much as you do that is." I turned around. The man that was speaking to me looked much older than the Jack I had met so many years before. But that didn't matter to me. "Jack?" "And I thought most people would be afriad of pirates such as me." Again with being afriad. But I couldn't help it. I ran into his arms. I was so happy to see him again. "Nice to see you again too." "Where have you been? It's been ten years since I last saw you." "Come. We have much to talk about." The man that had been traveling with Jack was Will Turner. He was a blacksmith that was trying to find the love of his life. Why? Has Elizabeth been kidnapped again?...and if this is supposed to take place during the events of PotC, why hasn't Barbossa spotted this Sue and done away with her? Also, why does Jack have the same ship he had ten years ago? He hasn't gotten the Pearl back yet. I didn't want to say anything to that. So what if I liked him? I was just glad that Jack was back. "This place has changed,"said Jack. "We were attacked." "I'm sorry." "No. It's ok. It’s what now? I don't mind if people bring it up anymore." For some reason anger was starting to fill my heart. Eight years ago things were not like this. Everything was gone now. We had to survive on only what we had left from what had happened. Nothing was left anyway. So they had to survive on nothing? "I want to get out of here." "What?" "I'm leaving one day. I want to fly away. I want to go on adventures. Like you." "It's not easy anymore." "Nothing is easy." *yawn* Yakul then came over to me. He signaled that it was time to go back to the village. How did he do that? Is there a Horse Morse Code? "Are you coming? He smiled and said nothing. That night,while everyone was alseep,I quietly went over to see Yakul in the stables. I'm going to get out of here like planned,I thought. I need to leave. There is nothing left for me here. Only dead memories. No one understands that I'm only here because this was where my mother died. I thought it was where her father died. But now I have to leave. I have to find something better than this. I hit the rail and Yakul got out of the stable. He walked over to me in silence. "I'm sorry Yakul. But I can't stay here anymore. You know that." He did nothing but nuzzle me on the face. "You planning to leave?"said a voice in the dark. It was Will. I nodded. "Yes." "Why?" "Because I have to Will. I have to get out of here. I have to get away from all these dead memories." "And what about your sister? Are you just going to let her stay and die?" "She can do what she likes. She's old enough that she doesn't have to be afriad anymore." Abandoning all that is left of your immediate family. Classy! "What about Jack? Are you planning to leave him too?" How is she leaving him? Jack hasn't taken up residence on the Isla de Muerta! "Will,you know nothing about my life." I started to calm down. I put my hand on his face. Take your hands off the Turner and back away slowly. "Will,Jack left me ten years ago. Two years after that we were attacked by samurai and my father died because she wanted be burnt to death. She? So, her father left because he turned into a woman who wanted to burn to death? He let me and my sister live." "You've been overcome by grief haven't you?" I put my hand down and walked away. "He loves you." I turned around. "What?" "He loves you. That's why he came back." "I'm sorry. But I have no love." I then swung onto Yakul and we rode off until we got to where we couldn't see the village anymore. When we finally stopped to let Yakul run around for a bit. I didn't want to be seen. So,is this the part where I make my escape,I thought. Is this the part where I run away for good? What am I supposed to do now? No. I can't do that yet. Not now. I.follow.the night.. Can't stand the light. When will I begin,to live again? One day I'll fly away. Nooooooo not the songfic! Leave all this to yesterday. What more could your love do for me? When will love be through with me? Why live life,from dream to dream. And dread the day,when dreaming ends. One day I'll fly away! Leave all this to yesterday. Why live life from dream to dream! And dread the day when dreaming ends? One day I'll fly away. Fly,fly away. Thank you ever so much for that ditty. It made me want to fly, fly away. "So,what are you going to do?"asked a voice behind me. I turned around in surprise to find Jack,and Will. I sat down on a large rock and though for a while. Jack came over and put his hands on my shoulder. "I'm not going to run away. But why did you leave me? Why did you come back? I thought you were dead. And it's like you've come back to haunt me or something,"I started to cry. "Shhhh.It's ok." I looked up at him and smiled. "I'm glad you came back." "So am I. I'm sorry I left you." "You're going to leave me aren't you?" "I have to." My smile then turned into a frown. "I thought so. You aren't coming back." "I never said I wasn't going to." "I want to come with you." "No. I don't want you getting hurt. You need to stay here." "Why do you care so much?" "Because I love you." "SISTER SISTER!!"yelled someone coming up the hill. It was Kiya! She ran up to my arms and started to cry. "What is it?" "The village." I looked to the north. My eyes widened as the smoke started to rise. "What happened?" "I don't know. There were these men running around with torches,setting the villages on fire. I could find you." She was still sobbing. "Shhhhhh.It's ok." I started to think about what my father had done and realized there was only one thing I had to do. Go down there myself. Boy, she’s stupid. "I have to go down there." "But you'll die!"said Will. "I have to do this. I have to get revenge for my father." I layed Kiya down on the rock and started to walk toward the village. I'm sorry Jack,I thought. But I have to do this. I don't care if I die. I'm getting my revenge. But Jack wouldn't let me go so easily. He ran over to my and grabbed my arm. "What do you think you're doing?!" "I'm sorry Jack. But I have to do this!" "I'm not going to let you die on me." "Do you think this is easy for me? Was it easy for me to see you leave me? I'm sorry. But I have to go." "No. I won't let you!" "This is the only choice I have. Please,let me go." He then took his hands off me. I got on Yakul and rode down to the village. The battle was fierce has I had expected. But I never thought it would go so badly. Everyone was gone. I was the only left standing. But I didn't stop. I kept killing one right after the other. Sure you did. Until there was no one left,but one person. I raised my sword at him. I didn't hit once, but twice. I killed him too. Like all the others. But the pain for me was to quick. I could see nothing but a flash of light as I fell to the ground. "NICOLE! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I soon started to here voices. I looked up and saw Will sitting by me. "Hey! Are you ok?" Stop saying ok! "Will? What are you doing here?" "Jack! She's over here!" "Is she alright?!"he asked as he ran over to me. "She's starting to regain consciousness. At least I hope so." If she hasn’t regained consciousness why is she talking?! "I shouldn't have left her." "You did what you could. But she's going to be alright." At last I started to regain consciousness. "Jack?" "Don't move!" "Everything's gone.everyone's dead.everything." "NO! DON'T DIE ON ME!" "I'm sorry.I didn't mean for this to happen." I turned and looked at Will. "Shhhh. It's ok. Just don't die on me ok?" "Jack,we have to get out of here. Now." "But how? There isn't a stretch of land for hundreds of miles." "There's an island down south from here. I don't know how long it'll take to get there though." Where’s his ship? "Well,we had better do something. And something fast." "Alright. I'll go with her and you stay here with her sister." "That's fine with me. Just be careful. Looks like there might be a storm approaching." I can’t even tell who’s talking anymore. "That never stopped me before." "That's always good to know." I tried to get up. But I lost my balance and Jack caught me in his arms. "I told you not to get up." "I'm sorry. I didn't mean too." "It's ok." "Here,let me carry her for you,"said Will. "Are you sure?" "Yes. I'll be fine." I watched as Will carried me to the ship. But by the time we had gotten to the ship I had already fallen asleep. Two days later- Now I was fully recovered,with a bandage over my arms so the wound could heal. And who did I have to thank for this? Jack Sparrow. He had revived me. I was not dead. I was glad that he had come back for me. But now,once again,he was leaving. "When are you coming back?"I asked as we stood face to face on the shore. "I don't know. In a couple of days." "Please come back alive." "I will." "Well.I guess I'll see you soon then." "It will not be long. I promise." I then moved closer to him and gazed into his eyes. Then our lips met. "I love you,"he sayed Ugh. after our lips parted. "I love you too." I turned to Will. "Thank you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive." He took my hand and kissed it gently. "You are very welcome. Goodbye." I watched as the ship started to sail off the shore. And as the ship started to sail,I sang a song that my mother sang to me when I was young.' In the moonlight felt your heart, Quiver and like bowstrings pulse. In the moons pale light you looked at me. Nobody knows your heart. When the sun is gone I see you. Beautiful and haunting but calm. Like the blade of a knife so sharp, so sweet. Nobody knows your heart. All of your sorrow,grief,and pain, Locked away in the forest of the light. Your secret heart,belongs to the world. Of the things that sigh in the dark. All the things that cry in the dark. Bloody songfics. "Come on Yakul!" We then rode out by the bay so we could get a better view of the ship until we could see it no more. We rode on and on. Until there was nothing left. Not even a little speck of Jack so I could see him clearly. He was gone. But not forever. I would see him again on day. But until then I would prosper on in shadow until he come back to get me. Prosper in shadow? Until then I would try to be happy and live on with Kiya and try to rebuild the village again. How do you rebuild a village when there’s no one left? Hopefully Jack would come back so we could live in peace. And abandon his ship? But who knows when that'll be? I know. And it's never. End Thank goodness!