Today I am officially 18 years old. I can do alot of things now that I couldn't do before.

I went and saw Brokeback Mountain and ate at The Olive Garden with a few friends to celebrate. But really, I'm very excited to get my kitten. He's going to be black and I'm naming him Emo.

I haven't updated this in a few days due to the fact I've been writing in my real journal again. I'm not sure what to say anymore anyway ( Read more... )

Why don't I get mad at people? I rarely ever yell. And when I do it's at my mom and I'm just yelling "Leave me alone," because I'm upset and don't want to talk about it... it's not because I'm mad. I don't get mad. I get incredibly sad. I get self-loathing. I get lame dramatic. The lady in the hospital tried to convince me I was mad at my ( Read more... )

Spencer was my first love. Love that was, to say the least, painfully unrequited ( Read more... )

I feel... I don't even know.
I've lost every sense of who I am.

I'm not even me anymore.

I don’t feel a reason to exist anymore. I never write. I’m not doing photography. I’m not even doing well in the four measly classes I’m bothering to take for school. I have no interest in being alive, let alone awake. There are things I should be doing, essays I should be writing and people I should be talking to. But, I have nothing to say ( Read more... )

I dremt about him last night.
Woke up crying.
An entire dream of him ignoring me.

I was lying when I said I just wanted him to be happy.
I want US to be happy.
Me.
I'm so selfish.

Why does this hurt so much?

I never want to get out of bed anymore.
And it isn't just that I'm lazy, though I am.
I have no determination to do anything what so ever.
I havent done photography in a long time, and I rarely write anymore.
This constant dull cloud is over me and there is no such thing as creativity.

I'm tired.

Celebrated Christmas with my family today. Yes, I know it is January.
Saw my cousin's baby, Rachel, and wanted to kidnap her. Such a little doll.

It was ok. Another Saturday.

I'm not going back to school. I'm getting a tutor. I'll miss my friends, but I'm hoping it will help my sanity. Hoping, but not really sold on it yet.

Wish me luck...

I didn’t bother going to school today. Didn’t bother. No point. None of my homework was done. I didn’t want to face the teachers expecting very overdue papers. I never finished them. I slept. I read my romance novel and slept more.
I killed brain cells.

I watched the entire serries of FireFly... which was amazing.

Nothing much.