Truth or Dare: Fear
Truth: Discuss the most frightening moment of your life to date. or Dare: Call someone you haven't talked to in at least six months.
It's late in the afternoon. Captain Hammer paces up and down in the Command Centre, thinking extremely unheroic thoughts. Of all the questions his not-so-dear therapist could have set him this week... why this?! Is the man trying to undo all their hard work? Trying to send him back into... into that place in his mind he never wants to see again?
Maybe the man is a villain. And trying to destroy him. Well, it won't work. He'll answer the question, he decides, and so help him, he'll do it with his trademark smile in place and not a flicker of alarm in his eyes.
He sets up the webcam. Sets up his smile. Hits record.
"Ah, good evening, my viewers, and welcome back once more. Got to make tonight's blog post a quick one, as I have the hottest date lined up. You wouldn't believe me if I told you, so I'll keep this one a secret. Can't go ruining all the mystery for you, now, can I?"
And you'd never believe me. Never, in all the world. He practically doesn't believe it himself.
"Now, this week's question is an unusual one, I must say! Angel_of_Light writes: "What is the most frightening moment of your life to date?" And that, I've got to tell you, is a question that's had me thinking."
Understatement of the century. Or, this week's understatement of the century. There seem to be a lot of those at the moment.
His smile doesn't fade.
"As you all know, I face danger on a daily basis. With each step, I put myself at great risk - all in the name of this fair city, of course. I have faced evils the likes of which you would never want to encounter. I have thwarted villains so terrible - so horrible - that they would make you shiver. And I have done so without fear. A hero like myself cannot know fear, because only without it can we - can I - hope to be the great defender Midtown needs."
"There is no room in my life for fear. I do not indulge it. I do not let myself feel it. I battle on, filled only with certainty, and never let doubt set in."
"And that, as they say, is that. So stay safe tonight, citizens, and remember: have no fear. I'm around."
And he clicks the camera off, breathing out. That will just have to do. It certainly sounded good enough.
Yes. Yes. Why worry? His natural awesomeness always shines through.
Of course.
-----
"You're going to have to tell me the truth, you know," Dr Goettmann - the good Captain's therapist - remarks, as his patient settles in the leather couch for their weekly session.
"About what?" he asks, oblivious... mostly.
"The thing that frightened you the most. You hardly covered it on your blog, and you did promise to at least make an effort when it comes to these assignments. As they say over here, Captain, get with the programme."
"I am with the programme!" he protests, but he knows it's useless. Try as he might, he has never quite been able to avoid doing what Goettmann wants, simply because he knows the man helped a great deal in those... early days. Besides, he also knows too much. And due to being a great and noble hero, Captain Hammer's only option in this case is to keep the man reasonably happy.
Reasonably. No sense in going overboard.
"Well, then, let's have it. If you won't tell them, you're going to have to tell me. It isn't even as though I don't know. I just think it's about time you admitted it."
Captain Hammer sighs. Runs both hands over his face. Really, really looks like a man who doesn't want to talk about this.
"...Fine. The most frightening moment of my life to date? Was..." - oh no, that awful word is inevitable now - "...losing. When that Death Ray went off in my face, I thought..." Pause. Long, deep breath. No breaking down again. "I thought I was going to die. I thought everything I knew was over. Just like that. I could... feel mortality. Feel pain. And the thought that he had bested me, the thought that things could never be as they were... the thought that suddenly I was as vulnerable as everyone else... yeah. That was terrifying. That was worse than the pain."
He falls silent. Stares studiously at the far wall, as if it has just become the most interesting thing in the world. Bar himself, of course.
"And?"
"And what? What more do you want?"
"The rest of it."
"And... I knew she wasn't OK." He hasn't mentioned this part before.
"She? You mean Penny?"
"...Yeah."
"How did you know? You didn't see her, did you?"
"No. I heard. Superhero, remember? I heard her cry out. I knew she wasn't OK. I knew... it was my fault."
"And you actually felt remorse?"
"Yes!" He glares at the other man, emotions unchecked for just a second. Thank goodness for doctor-patient confidentiality. "Yes, I felt remorse! I got the woman killed! I... didn't think. I just wanted to hurt him. I was willing to do anything to get back at him for humiliating me. I..." Pause. Breathe. Breathe. "...Those are villain thoughts."
"In a way," Goettmann replies. "And that frightens you?"
"Of course it does! A hero's greatest enemy is himself. And that... was the moment I declared war on me."
This makes sense. It does. Thankfully, Goettmann doesn't argue.
"I see. So what frightened you the most was finding out who you really are?"
Oh, trust the man to hit the nail on the... no no no BAD CHOICE OF WORDS.
"...Finding out who I could be. Not who I am. It won't happen again."
"It will. But that's all right. It's inevitable. Every hero is tempted, Captain."
Yes. Yes. Cling to that. Heroes are tempted. It's normal. Of course it is.
And he smiles, just a little. So nice to have finally worked all that out.
Even better that it still isn't the truth. Well. Not the deeper truth.
Because that? He'll never tell.
-----
"...Give my regards to St Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell..."
The Death Ray is warm in his hands. Warm and thrumming with possibility. On the ground - at his feet - his nemesis lies. Trapped. Beaten.
He's won. But the anger spiralling through his blood is all-consuming. Like nothing he's ever felt before. It's like a thousand shadows have slipped into his head and started whispering the same thing over and over.
Kill him kill him kill him kill him kill him...
And why not? Dr Horrible froze him. Humiliated him, in front of all these people. In front of his fans. In front of his current girlfriend. In front of the mayor.
No. No going back now.
Here goes no mercy!
Heroes show mercy. Villains don't.
...
Screw that.
He catches the look in Dr Horrible's eyes. In... Billy's eyes. Maybe the other man can see what's lurking in his. Maybe he knows what's about to happen.
He doesn't think. Doesn't let himself pause.
He fires.
And reality itself seems to invert. Red light and blinding pain.
Or, that's what everyone sees. But the truth of the matter is, for about five seconds, there is no pain. For those five seconds, there is only one thought, one possibility, one question.
For those five seconds, Captain Hammer is convinced he's just killed Dr Horrible. And the thought is so utterly terrifying, so utterly soul-destroying, that it whites out the pain for those first few seconds.
And it isn't the thought of killing that scares him. It isn't the prospect of crossing The Line, of finally giving in to all those thoughts at the back of his head that aren't allowed to see the light of day. It isn't even horror at his own predicament, at what might be to come. At having been beaten.
Oh no. What scares him the most - more than anything has or anything ever will - is the possibility that he's just killed his nemesis. Killed Dr Horrible. Killed Billy.
Killed... the only constant in his life. The only person who could ever define him. The only person he ever...
...
Everything you ever.
And then he sees Bil- Dr Horrible move, sees that he's alive, and reality comes back. The pain flares up. His world crumbles.
Crumbles, but doesn't fall. Won't fall.
Not whilst the other man is still alive.
Fear is losing. But true terror? Is losing him.
It's late in the afternoon. Captain Hammer paces up and down in the Command Centre, thinking extremely unheroic thoughts. Of all the questions his not-so-dear therapist could have set him this week... why this?! Is the man trying to undo all their hard work? Trying to send him back into... into that place in his mind he never wants to see again?
Maybe the man is a villain. And trying to destroy him. Well, it won't work. He'll answer the question, he decides, and so help him, he'll do it with his trademark smile in place and not a flicker of alarm in his eyes.
He sets up the webcam. Sets up his smile. Hits record.
"Ah, good evening, my viewers, and welcome back once more. Got to make tonight's blog post a quick one, as I have the hottest date lined up. You wouldn't believe me if I told you, so I'll keep this one a secret. Can't go ruining all the mystery for you, now, can I?"
And you'd never believe me. Never, in all the world. He practically doesn't believe it himself.
"Now, this week's question is an unusual one, I must say! Angel_of_Light writes: "What is the most frightening moment of your life to date?" And that, I've got to tell you, is a question that's had me thinking."
Understatement of the century. Or, this week's understatement of the century. There seem to be a lot of those at the moment.
His smile doesn't fade.
"As you all know, I face danger on a daily basis. With each step, I put myself at great risk - all in the name of this fair city, of course. I have faced evils the likes of which you would never want to encounter. I have thwarted villains so terrible - so horrible - that they would make you shiver. And I have done so without fear. A hero like myself cannot know fear, because only without it can we - can I - hope to be the great defender Midtown needs."
"There is no room in my life for fear. I do not indulge it. I do not let myself feel it. I battle on, filled only with certainty, and never let doubt set in."
"And that, as they say, is that. So stay safe tonight, citizens, and remember: have no fear. I'm around."
And he clicks the camera off, breathing out. That will just have to do. It certainly sounded good enough.
Yes. Yes. Why worry? His natural awesomeness always shines through.
Of course.
-----
"You're going to have to tell me the truth, you know," Dr Goettmann - the good Captain's therapist - remarks, as his patient settles in the leather couch for their weekly session.
"About what?" he asks, oblivious... mostly.
"The thing that frightened you the most. You hardly covered it on your blog, and you did promise to at least make an effort when it comes to these assignments. As they say over here, Captain, get with the programme."
"I am with the programme!" he protests, but he knows it's useless. Try as he might, he has never quite been able to avoid doing what Goettmann wants, simply because he knows the man helped a great deal in those... early days. Besides, he also knows too much. And due to being a great and noble hero, Captain Hammer's only option in this case is to keep the man reasonably happy.
Reasonably. No sense in going overboard.
"Well, then, let's have it. If you won't tell them, you're going to have to tell me. It isn't even as though I don't know. I just think it's about time you admitted it."
Captain Hammer sighs. Runs both hands over his face. Really, really looks like a man who doesn't want to talk about this.
"...Fine. The most frightening moment of my life to date? Was..." - oh no, that awful word is inevitable now - "...losing. When that Death Ray went off in my face, I thought..." Pause. Long, deep breath. No breaking down again. "I thought I was going to die. I thought everything I knew was over. Just like that. I could... feel mortality. Feel pain. And the thought that he had bested me, the thought that things could never be as they were... the thought that suddenly I was as vulnerable as everyone else... yeah. That was terrifying. That was worse than the pain."
He falls silent. Stares studiously at the far wall, as if it has just become the most interesting thing in the world. Bar himself, of course.
"And?"
"And what? What more do you want?"
"The rest of it."
"And... I knew she wasn't OK." He hasn't mentioned this part before.
"She? You mean Penny?"
"...Yeah."
"How did you know? You didn't see her, did you?"
"No. I heard. Superhero, remember? I heard her cry out. I knew she wasn't OK. I knew... it was my fault."
"And you actually felt remorse?"
"Yes!" He glares at the other man, emotions unchecked for just a second. Thank goodness for doctor-patient confidentiality. "Yes, I felt remorse! I got the woman killed! I... didn't think. I just wanted to hurt him. I was willing to do anything to get back at him for humiliating me. I..." Pause. Breathe. Breathe. "...Those are villain thoughts."
"In a way," Goettmann replies. "And that frightens you?"
"Of course it does! A hero's greatest enemy is himself. And that... was the moment I declared war on me."
This makes sense. It does. Thankfully, Goettmann doesn't argue.
"I see. So what frightened you the most was finding out who you really are?"
Oh, trust the man to hit the nail on the... no no no BAD CHOICE OF WORDS.
"...Finding out who I could be. Not who I am. It won't happen again."
"It will. But that's all right. It's inevitable. Every hero is tempted, Captain."
Yes. Yes. Cling to that. Heroes are tempted. It's normal. Of course it is.
And he smiles, just a little. So nice to have finally worked all that out.
Even better that it still isn't the truth. Well. Not the deeper truth.
Because that? He'll never tell.
-----
"...Give my regards to St Peter. Or whoever has his job, but in Hell..."
The Death Ray is warm in his hands. Warm and thrumming with possibility. On the ground - at his feet - his nemesis lies. Trapped. Beaten.
He's won. But the anger spiralling through his blood is all-consuming. Like nothing he's ever felt before. It's like a thousand shadows have slipped into his head and started whispering the same thing over and over.
Kill him kill him kill him kill him kill him...
And why not? Dr Horrible froze him. Humiliated him, in front of all these people. In front of his fans. In front of his current girlfriend. In front of the mayor.
No. No going back now.
Here goes no mercy!
Heroes show mercy. Villains don't.
...
Screw that.
He catches the look in Dr Horrible's eyes. In... Billy's eyes. Maybe the other man can see what's lurking in his. Maybe he knows what's about to happen.
He doesn't think. Doesn't let himself pause.
He fires.
And reality itself seems to invert. Red light and blinding pain.
Or, that's what everyone sees. But the truth of the matter is, for about five seconds, there is no pain. For those five seconds, there is only one thought, one possibility, one question.
For those five seconds, Captain Hammer is convinced he's just killed Dr Horrible. And the thought is so utterly terrifying, so utterly soul-destroying, that it whites out the pain for those first few seconds.
And it isn't the thought of killing that scares him. It isn't the prospect of crossing The Line, of finally giving in to all those thoughts at the back of his head that aren't allowed to see the light of day. It isn't even horror at his own predicament, at what might be to come. At having been beaten.
Oh no. What scares him the most - more than anything has or anything ever will - is the possibility that he's just killed his nemesis. Killed Dr Horrible. Killed Billy.
Killed... the only constant in his life. The only person who could ever define him. The only person he ever...
...
Everything you ever.
And then he sees Bil- Dr Horrible move, sees that he's alive, and reality comes back. The pain flares up. His world crumbles.
Crumbles, but doesn't fall. Won't fall.
Not whilst the other man is still alive.
Fear is losing. But true terror? Is losing him.