Merlin - The Kingdom of the Blaggers (AU, Merlin/Arthur, NC-17, 2/3)
Part I
The Kingdom of the Blaggers
Ari rang at some godforsaken hour on New Year's Day, demanding a report from Arthur on how things had gone in Argentina. Considering that Arthur was dead to the world and snoring like a 20-stone Sumo wrestler, Merlin didn't think he had an opinion at the moment.
So, his exact words were, "Fuck off and die, Ari."
Ari laughed. "Suck my cock, Marvin."
"Merlin. And not even if I could find it with the Hubble Telescope."
Merlin could hear Ari's smile down the phone. It was disconcerting.
"So, seriously, Melvin, Matty tells me our boy did a good job."
Merlin glanced over at Arthur. His face was buried under a mound of pillows, his blond hair sticking up in tufts as though trying to escape being smothered. "He said that, did he?"
"This is fucking huge for Arthur, you know that, right?"
Merlin was quiet. "Get the movie in the theatre, Ari, and then you can rhapsodise about your magic cock."
Ari cackled. "Get yourself some good knee pillows, Dumbo, that's all I'm saying."
Merlin rang off and glanced over at Arthur.
Of course, he'd slept through the entire exchange.
A rather shocking thing happened after Arthur came back from shooting Los Gatos Son Negros in Argentina; he got work. Only he didn't just get work, it was good work.
The daytime soaps and commercials were replaced with a guest role on FX's Damages and then another on Rescue Me. Arthur spent two weeks in Miami working on a three-episode arc on USA's Burn Notice and then he got the call for an episode of David Simon's new HBO series Treme and spent another two weeks in New Orleans working on that.
The first three months of the year were spent with Arthur working, and Merlin and Ari fighting over Arthur working and where he would work and when and doing what. For someone who wasn't Arthur's manager, Merlin was certainly acting like it.
At least that was what Gwen said over breakfast at the 101.
Merlin just scowled and went back to his breakfast of Heineken and American pancakes.
"Are you at least being paid like a manager?" Gwen broached while Merlin's mouth was full of food.
Merlin narrowed his eyes. Damn Gwen that she would ask, and damn Arthur for automatically giving Merlin a pay cheque every two weeks.
Merlin washed down his pancakes with more beer.
Gwen smirked. "I'll take that as a 'yes'."
Merlin changed the subject. "Speaking of work, I saw Morgana's billboard for Incubus/Succubus on Sunset and nearly drove into on-coming traffic."
Gwen coughed and busied herself with her omelette.
It must've been Merlin's imagination that her face looked a bit flushed.
Merlin was sitting at a red light on Franklin and Highland when his mobile rang. Excalibur was humming happily underneath him, the radio tuned to Indie 103. The car seemed to work quite well as long as Merlin played decent music and didn't try to park on any hills.
"Yeah?"
"Merlin? Hi! It's Lloyd, from Ari's office!"
Merlin smiled despite himself. He hated Ari with the passion of a thousand PETA followers, but he couldn't help but love Lloyd, Ari's extraordinarily flamboyant assistant. Quite possibly because Lloyd seemed to love everyone.
The first time Merlin had gone with Arthur to the Miller Gold offices, Lloyd had fluttered around them like his mum, offering water and tea and anything else as long as they promised to, "Never lose those sexy accents. I hate it when people become too American, it's so tacky," Lloyd said.
Merlin and Arthur had just shared a bemused look and smiled properly.
"And don't let Ari scare you," Lloyd confided in a very low tone. "I know he shouts a lot and is totally an insensitive, racist, homophobic cretin, but he really loves his clients. He would totally take a bullet for any of them."
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Ari Gold. The angry, Jewish runt that I'm going to run over with my car?"
"Merlin, your car couldn't run over a squirrel," Arthur interrupted.
"That's not the point," Merlin said.
Lloyd beamed. "You two are adorable. Don't let anybody ruin that. God knows they'll try."
And then Lloyd scurried off and Ari stomped in and that had been the end of that.
"Merlin?"
An angry horn blared behind Merlin, and he took the left turn onto Highland. "Sorry, Lloyd, I'm here, everything all right?"
"Oh my god! I had to tell you! It's so exciting!"
"Ari died?"
Lloyd made a tsking noise. "Merlin!"
"Sorry, what's so exciting?"
"Arthur! Someone just made the very first Arthur Pendragon fan website!"
Merlin nearly ran into the car stopped in front of him. Sodding Los Angeles traffic. "Someone made a website? About Arthur?"
"Oh yes!" Lloyd trilled. "And -- wow, they've got photos of him shirtless."
"From where?" Merlin demanded.
"Did you go to the beach recently?"
They'd gone drinking at the beach, but Merlin didn't… "No."
"Oh, wait, they're from Matt's movie."
"Los Gatos?" Merlin asked. "How is that even possible? The movie's still in post-production."
"Well, these look like production stills."
"Then how the hell did they get photos from Argentina?"
Lloyd laughed. "I take it you don't know much about fans."
Arthur's first national interview was a little bit on Access: Hollywood to talk about the Matt Damon film. Ari had sent his favourite publicist, Shauna, along with Merlin and Arthur to the set. Lloyd had shown up as Ari's proxy, since apparently Jake Gyllenhaal was having some sort of sexuality crisis and thought he was straight.
Merlin stood off in the wings, letting Lloyd prattle on about his boyfriend and the awesome holiday Ari had sent them on after he'd made Lloyd cry one too many times. Merlin's attention was on Arthur, who was wearing a rather nice dark blue shirt that brought out his eyes according to Morgana and Gwen, who'd given the fashion advice that morning.
Arthur was being fussed over by hair and make-up, Shauna and the sound people. Every now and then Merlin caught Arthur's eyes darting in his direction, and he smiled encouragingly as Shauna whispered talking points in Arthur's ear.
Eventually, there was enough prep. The presenter sat down across from Arthur, and Shauna stepped away.
A female presenter. Perfect.
The interview started off easily enough.
"Is this your first movie role?" the woman asked.
Arthur smiled and ducked his head. "Yes."
Merlin's couldn't see the presenter particularly well, but she was most definitely blond, most definitely fit, and if she was sane, most definitely interested in Arthur.
"You must be excited."
"Very much so." Merlin shook his head. Arthur was giving his endearing look; the interviewer was done for.
"How was it working with Matt Damon?"
Arthur laughed, showing off some rather expensive dental work. "Brilliant. It was a great honour to work with Matt and Javier Bardem."
The presenter nodded. "And what was it like in Argentina?"
"They have excellent drinks," Arthur said sagely.
"And of course, your new fans want to know: are you dating someone?"
Arthur paused, and his eyes cut over to Merlin quickly enough that only Merlin caught it, but it was a second too long.
"Does she have a name?" she prodded.
And Arthur did what any good Englishman would do. He said, "I don't talk about personal matters."
The presenter sat up a bit straighter. "So you won't talk about your father then? Sir Uther Pendragon, that legend of theatre and screen?"
Arthur's face went tight. "No, I will not discuss my father."
"But a few questions would be okay, right? I mean your father just received a knighthood from the Queen. You must be proud." The woman was digging. Merlin could feel his mouth thinning into a line.
"No," Arthur snapped. "I am not my father. If you wish you to talk about him, then you'll need to talk to him."
"Well, yes, but surely you want a career like his. I know plenty of actors who would love to have a career like your father's. To be so well-known and loved."
Merlin winced, and when Lloyd shot him a glance, Merlin nodded.
Yes, disaster was imminent.
Arthur's tone was perfectly clipped. "I am my own man; I do things in my own way, in my own time."
"It must be very hard to follow in such large footsteps," the woman carried on.
Arthur stood up, and walked out.
Merlin turned to Lloyd with a mirthless smile. "Well, that went well, don't you think?"
Merlin couldn’t remember a time when he hadn't known Arthur. Obviously it had to exist, they hadn't gone to school together like he and Gwen. Merlin and Arthur had only met when Merlin got a bursary to go to that posh public school, and while Merlin hadn't exactly fit in, Arthur hadn't really seemed to care. At least he hadn't after that first day when they'd fought in the school playground. Then again, Arthur had always had the golden touch. If he approved, everyone else fell in line. If Arthur played a sport, it was the best sport. If Arthur supported a team, then it was the best team. The only thing Arthur had never really been able to make go his way was his relationship with his father. Not that Uther didn't care about Arthur; he just didn't seem to care much. He'd skipped Arthur's first RADA performance to entertain Prince Charles and his ilk at a charity performance. He'd missed Arthur's second performance because he was on location in Paris, as though the Eurostar didn't exist.
Then again, Uther Pendragon was a star. Who had room for family when you had an adoring public to contend with? You either made time or you didn't.
Ari was not pleased about the interview.
Merlin wasn't particularly surprised.
"What the fuck were you thinking, Arthur?!" Ari railed, stomping around his glass behemoth of a desk. "This is your first fucking U.S. interview! You can't just fucking walk the fuck out like it's a fucking protest march! If that bitch had told you to get down on your knees and lick her toes, you should've fucking said, 'Where do you want me to start, baby?!'"
"Fuck you, Ari," Arthur spat back. "I don't take questions about my father."
"You're not the fucking Prince of England, Arthur! You've done one goddamn movie! Your name isn't fucking Ryan Gosling; you've never even opened a fucking movie! You don't tell people how to do jack shit -- you ask them if they want you to spit or swallow, that's it. "
"I do damn well what I please, when I please!" Arthur retorted sharply.
Merlin had no idea why they both chose that moment to look at him. This wasn’t his fault.
Ari's face went red. "Do not even fucking get me started on your fudge-packing ass monkey, do you know how much work Shauna's been doing on that domestic-partner-best-friend-suck-buddy shit already? Why the fuck can't you just be into hookers and blow like everybody else? Why the hell are you a cocksucker?!"
"ARI!" Lloyd called reproachfully from the hallway.
"Shut the fuck up you Korean fairy, nobody was talking to you!"
Lloyd's head popped around the corner. "I'm not Korean, Ari. Stop being a racist asshole."
Ari's pursed his lips. "He's a fucking homo drama queen!" he said, pointing at Arthur. "Fix it."
Lloyd put his hands on his hips. "Newsflash, Ari, all your fucking clients are gay; this is Hollywood. So unless you want me to start telling Perez that George and Anderson Cooper are finally adopting Somalian babies, you better play nice."
Ari dropped down in a chair and put his head in his hands. "Why is it always the gay ones that have the most talent?"
Arthur's face went blank. "You think I have talent?"
Ari glared up at him. "Do you think I would've told Matt to put you in his movie if I thought you couldn't make it work?"
"You got me that role? I thought --"
"Motherfucker, I. MADE. YOU." Ari said. "And don't you forget it."
Arthur was quiet for a moment. "I'm not going to pretend to be in the closet, Ari."
Ari made a scoffing sound. "I have yet to sign anybody who's pretended to be in any fucking closet, unless they got their asses handcuffed in there during some kinky sex shit. Now go away; I have to fix this."
Merlin had been quiet for the better part of the exchange, but now he opened his mouth and then he thought better of it. Instead, he stood up and tugged on Arthur's sleeve.
Lloyd was hovering outside the door. "Don't mind, Ari," he said helpfully. "He really does like you. He'd probably stab anybody who looked at you wrong."
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "This is his way of being loyal?"
Lloyd just shrugged. "He's an asshole, but believe me, he's the best agent you could ever hope for."
"Jesus," Merlin said, "I'd hate to see what the bad agents are like." And then he thought of the agent Arthur had when Merlin first arrived. The one who never rang Arthur back or took Merlin's calls or referred to Arthur as 'Albert' half the time. When you compared Ari to that, well, then, yes. This was better.
Arthur was quiet through the drive home and well into dinner. He ignored the reheated Indian takeaway and instead went for a swim in the pool. Merlin sighed, put the plates back in the fridge and went to watch telly.
He fell asleep at some point, which only became relevant when he woke up and Arthur was flinging wet clothes at his head. "Fucking hell, if you…" Merlin's words died off when he realised Arthur was now naked.
"Huh," Merlin said rather succinctly. "Was there something you wanted?"
But Arthur just stood there, staring at him.
Merlin narrowed his eyes. "Arthur?"
Arthur's face twisted into a pained rictus. "I don’t want to be him, Merlin."
Merlin pushed the wet clothes off his lap and stood up. "He's not half the man you are," he promised.
Arthur continued to stand in the middle of the sitting room looking upset, and Merlin just shook his head and crossed the floor. Damn Uther Pendragon and his fucking fame. Damn him for making Arthur so desperate for his attention and approval.
Arthur's skin was clammy to the touch, and Merlin rubbed his shoulders and biceps quickly, trying to warm him up. He dropped to his knees and rubbed at the backs of Arthur's thighs, but when he glanced upwards, Arthur was staring at the ceiling.
He made a noise though when Merlin nuzzled at his hip bone, and then he looked down when Merlin kissed the skin next to his navel. Merlin smiled up at him and bit him gently.
He was completely unprepared for Arthur to lean down and shove him onto his back. Merlin landed hard, and then Arthur was over him, straddling his hips and pinning Merlin's wrists to the carpeting.
Merlin's mouth twitched at the corners. "Kinky."
Arthur's face softened, but his kiss was brutal. He didn't just attack, he devoured. Merlin felt the sharpness when his lip split open and the heat when Arthur's tongue laved at the cut. Arthur bit and marked and took.
Merlin's entire body cramped up when Arthur sucked a mark along the skin behind his ear, and his jaw went slack when Arthur kissed him only because he would've done himself serious damage if he'd tried to keep up with Arthur's onslaught.
Merlin panted as Arthur yanked at his clothes urgently. "I'm trying -- I'm trying -- it doesn't bend that way, you know," he complained when Arthur nearly yanked his arm out of the socket.
"Seriously. Enough. Trousers off, now," Merlin demanded, thrusting his hips up and trying to dislodge Arthur, who didn't actually comply. Instead he pulled Merlin's shirt off just enough for Merlin's arms to get tangled, and then he moved back enough to unfasten Merlin's trousers and pants and drag them down to his knees. Only then did Arthur stop and sit up.
He silently pressed his hand against Merlin's collarbone, his fingers spanning Merlin's neck, and then he dragged his nails down Merlin's chest hard, leaving little flares of pain and heat. Merlin's cock jerked against his stomach.
Merlin didn't whimper. At least he hoped he didn't. But then Arthur's mouth was on his dick, hot as sin and sucking like a fucking Hoover, and his hands were everywhere, pinching Merlin's nipples and raking along his ribs. Merlin sort of exploded all over everything, writhing and begging, completely held captive by his stupid fucking clothing and Arthur's evil, wicked mouth.
Arthur's pulled off with a loud, wet slurp. "I'm evil, am I?"
Merlin moaned. "Fuck you, Arthur."
"Is that what you want?" Arthur inquired. "I thought you might want to me fuck you given your current position."
"I don't fucking care!" Merlin shouted. "Just get on with it!"
Arthur laughed against the inside of Merlin's thigh, and Merlin could feel the muscle tremble. But then Arthur's hands were under Merlin's knees, pushing his confined legs up and letting Arthur move further between Merlin's legs. Merlin's vision went fuzzy when Arthur began mouthing his balls, and then the whole world went topsy-turvy and Merlin was on his hands and knees with Arthur behind him, his fingers rubbing Merlin's entrance gently.
"Do it," Merlin demanded, pushing back unabashedly.
Arthur laughed, but then his fingers spread Merlin apart and his tongue laved over Merlin's hole and that was pretty much it for Merlin's brain. Arthur's tongue was everything, licking and pushing, opening Merlin up and taking him whole. Merlin could feel his orgasm coming far faster than he was ready. It was like knowing the train was coming when you were still trying to get out your Oyster card and get into the fucking station.
And then Arthur's tongue was gone and it was replaced by a finger. A warm hand wrapped around Merlin's cock, and all it took was two strokes, three at the most, and then he was coming. Oh god, was he coming.
"Rug burn," Merlin bitched when he came back to himself face down on the carpeting. "I've got rug burn everywhere."
Arthur just grunted somewhere behind him, and Merlin glanced over his shoulder. His eyes widened enough to actually hurt at the sight of Arthur kneeling behind him, rapidly stroking his prick.
Merlin opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
He couldn't do anything but stare, and then Arthur was coming all over his own thigh and part of Merlin's leg and Merlin just collapsed. "Fine," Merlin muttered to the floor. "Kill me with sex. See if I care. Really."
Arthur just laughed. "You care."
Merlin tried for a haughty look, but couldn't be bothered to make the effort.
In light of the Access: Hollywood debacle, Ari put Arthur on a rather strict leash. All interviews were conducted on the phone in Ari's office, or with Ari present holding a riding crop and wearing a helmet that looked like something from World War II.
Arthur went along with this for the sake of his career, and Merlin went along with it because Arthur went along with it. The arrangement worked perfectly until it came time for the Los Gatos premiere and Arthur wanted to take Merlin to New York as his date.
"Do the words 'fuck no' mean anything to you?" Ari asked incredulously.
Arthur grinned. "No, can't say that they do."
Ari turned towards Merlin. "You, with the ears, stop being a fucking ass-bandit and manage your fucking client."
Merlin opened his mouth to point out that he didn’t manage Arthur, when it finally occurred to him that, yeah, he did. "What's the worst thing that happens if I go as Arthur's date?" Merlin asked. "Rhetorically speaking."
Ari's eyes widened comically. "Does taking it up the ass make you temporarily stupid or something, because George tries stupid shit like this sometimes. Back when he was letting Brad play backdoor-bandit it was like talking to a fucking retarded six year-old…"
Merlin turned towards Arthur bemusedly as Ari prattled on. "Brad Pitt?" he mouthed silently.
"And George Clooney?" Arthur replied.
Lloyd materialized in the doorway and beckoned them over. "Did one of you mention Brad Pitt?" he asked worriedly.
"No," Merlin said, "Arthur wanted to take me as his date to the movie premiere, and Ari kind of, well." Merlin gestured over his shoulder.
Lloyd sighed. "Okay, for future reference never ever, ever, ever mention Brad Pitt around Ari, it makes him kind of irrational. One minute he's threatening castration, the next he's super depressed because of how sad George was when Brad left and knocked up Angie."
"Wait, are you saying Brad Pitt and George Clooney used to…" Arthur's sentence died off as Lloyd raised his eyebrows expressively.
"Worst kept secret in Hollywood," Lloyd said. "I have no idea how the rest of the world doesn't know by now."
Merlin and Arthur exchanged a look. "That's got nothing to do with us," Merlin said.
"No, it doesn't," Lloyd agreed, "but what Ari was trying to avoid was the deer in the headlights meets crazy boyfriend affect."
"Sorry?" Arthur said. "I don't follow."
"The first carpet is the worst. Always. They don't call the red carpet 'the gauntlet' because it's fun you know. People vomit. Pass out. I had to sedate six people during the first Shia LaBeouf movie, including Shia. Of course some just get rip roaring drunk and grope the press. We don't want that. That's the deer in the headlights effect. You add in the overprotective boyfriend," Lloyd smiled momentarily at Merlin, "and you get disaster."
Arthur rolled his eyes. "Why didn't Ari just say so?"
They all looked back at where Ari was still raving about Brad Pitt being a crack-smoking, duck-fucking baby-eater.
"You were saying?" Lloyd asked.
Arthur thought about it. "Can I bring more than one person?"
"As long as they can speak coherently and didn't recently vacate a trailer park," Lloyd agreed.
Los Gatos Son Negros opened the TriBeCa Film Festival, since apparently Matt Damon and Robert DeNiro were friends that way. Merlin wondered how a town of millions of people could be so fucking incestuous. Everybody seemed to know everyone else, be fucking everyone else, talking badly about everyone else or some combination of all three.
Merlin had never been to New York before, and apparently that wasn't going to change tonight either. They'd flown in that morning, and Arthur had done press all afternoon for the movie while Morgana had done a few meet and greets for Incubus/Succubus. Gwen and Merlin had decided to go sight-seeing, and instead, promptly fell asleep in the suite.
In the limousine they made strained conversation and Merlin spilled some of his champagne on Morgana's shoe, which she waved off. Merlin raised an eyebrow.
It was strange the way people reacted to stress. The closer they got to the entrance of the theatre, the tighter Merlin's tuxedo became. At one point, he thought he couldn't breathe. Arthur seemed to be in his own little world, his face tight and pale. And while Morgana seemed calm, the fact that she didn't berate Merlin for the spill and her death grip on Gwen's wrist said otherwise. Only Gwen seemed at ease, which was really par for the course.
And then the limousine stopped.
Merlin turned to Arthur and smiled with an ease he didn't feel. "Last chance to change your mind."
Arthur's eyes narrowed. "Why, are you not coming?"
Merlin just laughed. "No, it's too late to get rid of me now."
And then the door opened and they were swallowed whole.
On the carpet, they stood together, the four of them, mixing and matching and shuffling places under the assault of lights and screaming and other people on the carpet until the press couldn't sort out who came with who or what was going on.
Under the circumstances, it was a pretty fucking brilliant call.
Merlin was going to have to do something nice for Lloyd when they got home.
Merlin didn't know what to say after the screening of Los Gatos. He really and truly didn't remember reading a script where there was a role for a bisexual spy to fall in love with, and snog, Matt Damon on the screen. Merlin was sure he would have remembered that one.
Especially if Arthur was the one playing the spy.
He was going to have to completely rearrange all his wank material and move this up to the top of the queue. Immediately.
The movie wasn’t a smash hit at the box office, but apparently it was a smash hit with all the right people, because the next thing Merlin knew there were scripts falling out of the fucking sky and people just begging for a bit of Arthur's time. The casting director from DreamWorks that lost Merlin's phone number eighteen times started stalking him, and the independent studios were suddenly camping outside MGA's door, wanting Arthur to do period pieces and science-fiction movies where he slayed dragons.
Merlin was kind of partial to the dragon slaying himself.
It wasn't just the industry that was rolling over for Arthur though. Merlin rather stupidly Googled Arthur while they were sitting in traffic on the way to brunch one morning and his iPhone froze up after 250,000 hits. And when they finally arrived at the Eat Well in West Hollywood, one of the waiters dropped his tray when Arthur walked in the door behind Merlin.
For the most part the fans were nice, if a little touchy feely with their hands. The teenage girls seemed to be the most direct, and had no problem with running up to Arthur in the car park or in the middle of the grocery store or at ten in the morning when they were just leaving Coffee Bean. The gay men and older women seemed inclined to just stare openly or semi-discreetly take photos with their camera phones. There were only a few occasions that gave Merlin real alarm and most of them had to do with people walking into doors and parking meters when they passed by Arthur on the street.
Merlin was used to a certain amount of attention when he was with Arthur, so for the most part he was oblivious.
The day that Arthur came back to the table while they were out to dinner and told him that men were trying to grope him in the loo, however, Merlin threatened to stab someone with his fork.
The fifth time it happened, Merlin and Gwen didn't even pause in their conversation to remark.
For the record, Merlin considered himself pretty internet savvy, but under no circumstances was he clicking on links that said:
SEE HOTTIE ARTHUR IN ALL HIS GAY GLORY!
ARTHUR AND LOVER GO FOOD SHOPPING!!! BUY TEA AND BEER!!
THE MAN WHO SLAYED THE DRAGON: WHO IS ARTHUR PENDRAGON'S BOYFRIEND???
And the real corker:
IS PRINCE ARTHUR EVEN IN THE CLOSET? HOMOS NEED TO KNOW!
Merlin had no idea who Perez Hilton was, but if they ever met, Merlin was going to do him serious bodily damage.
It wasn't just the Hollywood industry and the fans that were taking note of Arthur though. Even the motherland got in on it.
Merlin got a call from Peters Fraser and Dunlop in London, who pretty much represented everyone who was anyone in the UK. Apparently the Beeb were looking at Arthur for a crime series with James McAvoy's wife, Anne-Marie Duff, and PFD wanted to know who was representing Arthur. When Merlin mentioned this to Ari, Ari's head spun around three times and he vomited pea soup. Well, not really, but his reaction wasn't that far gone from The Exorcist.
Merlin had thought it might be nice for Arthur to work at home for a bit, at the very least Merlin could fly over and see his mum and Uncle Gaius, but Ari was having none of it. So, Merlin lost that battle, but the guest role on Doctor Who was completely non-negotiable. Arthur didn't even consult Ari and Merlin before agreeing to that.
After more than a year in Los Angeles, things were beginning to go Arthur's way. So it was only fitting that his father picked this time to piss all over Arthur's head. The casual observer wouldn't have picked up on the slight, but Merlin wasn't casual, and he had Morgana and Gwen on his side, which helped immeasurably.
Or at least it did when Merlin remembered to turn on his mobile.
In this instance, Merlin was still asleep when something jolted him awake with a thud and a vicious rattle of the bed.
He sat up abruptly. "Earthquake!"
And then Merlin looked around. Nothing was moving. "Ah, not an earthquake then," he said ruefully, rubbing his face.
It took a moment for Merlin's eyes to land on Arthur standing in the middle of the room, his face flushed and his eyes wild. "Was it an earthquake?" Merlin asked bemusedly.
"He said I'm doing very well 'all things considered'." Arthur's voice quivered with rage.
Merlin didn't have to pretend to be confused. "He who said what when?"
"My father," Arthur spat. "He said he thought I was making an admirable effort, and that I was succeeding all things considered. I just had a lot to learn."
Merlin's brain tried to process this information. It completely failed. "Your father said this when? I don't -- how did you hear this?"
"At the opening of King Lear," Arthur flung a huge piece of white paper at Merlin. The issue of The Hollywood Reporter landed on the bed soundlessly.
Merlin extricated himself from the bed linens and grabbed the Hollywood daily. He only had to open the front cover to see Uther's face in vivid colour. He skimmed the tiny blurb about Uther's opening night of King Lear at the Barbican, and at the very bottom was Uther's comment about Arthur.
When asked about the success of his son, Arthur Pendragon, and his step-daughter, Morgana Fay, Pendragon smiled thoughtfully. 'Morgana has a face for the screen; I'm not surprised she's landed her own series on television. I predict this is just the beginning for her. Arthur - Arthur has done very well for himself all things considered. I think he has a great raw talent, it just needs to develop more. He's making an admirable effort though; do not discount him.
Merlin read the paragraph once, twice, and then closed the magazine. "He said you have a great raw talent."
"Raw." Arthur spat. "Raw? Why not just tell me to pack it in since I'll never be as good as him?"
"I don't think this says that," Merlin hedged.
"'All things considered', Merlin," Arthur repeated. "All things considered? Considering that he's brilliant, and I'm what? Rubbish?"
Merlin crawled out of the bed and walked over to Arthur. "Arthur, he's proud of you, can't you see that?"
"He thinks I'm a failure."
"You are not a failure," Merlin said fiercely. "You came here; you did this on your own. You got the commercials, you got Ari, you got the Los Gatos role." Merlin's volume increased over Arthur's protestations.
The despairing look on Arthur's face made Merlin want to break things. Lots of things.
Instead he just crowded Arthur's space until Arthur stumbled backwards into the wall. "You know the best way to prove him wrong is to be a huge success. I know you know that."
Arthur looked over Merlin's shoulder. "I'm trying."
Merlin grabbed Arthur's jaw, forcing Arthur to look at him. "You are not him. The only person you have to be is yourself. The only person you have to answer to is you -- and occasionally, me." Merlin paused to smile. "And you can start being your own person by getting us the hell out of this fucking tomb your father calls a house."
Arthur's puzzled expression was much better than his despair. "You want to move? I thought you liked it here."
"I fucking hate it here. This place is bigger than the V&A and has twice as much old, breakable crap. I keep waiting for a guard to step out of the ether and tell me not to touch anything. Can we get the hell out of here, please?"
Arthur blinked and then he smiled. "We can do that."
Merlin leaned in and kissed Arthur lightly. "Good."
Flat or house hunting in Los Angeles was the equivalent of drinking with the devil, you were bound to get screwed in the end and the only question was how much you were going to pay for the pleasure.
The first week Merlin and Arthur went looking together, which was a disaster. Merlin was not living in fucking Beverly Hills and Arthur thought Venice was for communists.
The second week, Arthur was shooting a guest spot on Incubus/Succubus for Morgana so he missed Merlin firing their estate agent after he tried to grope Merlin in a four-bedroom house between 6th and Wilshire.
The third week, Merlin began to dream of living on the street.
If it hadn't been for Lloyd's Gay Mafia connections, Merlin never would've found the house in Los Feliz. It was a lease with an option to buy, and while it wasn't exactly a gated community, the house had a front and back yard and the entire property was surrounded by a high concrete wall with tall shrubs hiding the house from curious eyes.
Mostly Merlin was entranced by the hammock tied between two oaks in the backyard and the view from the master bedroom of nothing but trees and sky. It was like paradise, or as close as they could get in Los Angeles.
When Merlin took Arthur to see the house, he warned him. "There's no pool, gym, sauna or wine cellar. I know you've been spoiled, so if that's what you want, you're not going to like it."
Arthur took one look at the wood flooring, white walls and high ceilings and smiled. "No chandeliers."
Merlin snorted. "No."
Arthur looked at the kitchen, at the coloured tiling and the gas stove and the built in eating area and window seat. "The stove doesn't have eight hobs."
Merlin smiled. "No, it doesn't."
"There's no bloody enormous fridge out of Star Trek either."
"No, none of that."
Upstairs, Merlin showed Arthur the three spare bedrooms. "I reckon one could be a guest room, one an office and the third can be for whatever. Maybe we'll put all your Oscars there."
Arthur smiled. "That's a lot of Oscars."
"I have faith," Merlin said solemnly.
Merlin didn't turn the light on when they walked into the master bedroom. He just steered Arthur over to the French doors and showed him the view.
Arthur stared out at the trees and the sun setting in the evening sky. "So," he said after several quiet minutes, "you've signed the papers already?"
Merlin grinned and pulled a swath of blue forms out of his back pocket. "Just waiting on you."
It was one thing to rent a house, it was quite another to furnish it. Between Arthur going off to work, and Merlin and Ari bickering over Arthur going off to work -- this seemed to repeat itself a lot -- by the end of the summer, Merlin and Arthur had a bed (first purchase), two plasma tellys (second and third purchases) and a sofa and two armchairs (fourth and fifth purchases, respectively). If the closet hadn't been built in, they probably would've just left their clothes in the boxes they'd moved in.
Merlin was on his knees, sorting through one of those boxes looking for his favourite green trainers and cursing their lack of armoire when the phone rang.
Merlin's knees popped alarmingly when he stood up. "Hi, Lloyd," he said, answering his mobile.
"Ohmygodmerlinitsthemostamazingthingever."
Merlin blinked. "Sorry, Lloyd, I didn’t catch that," he said. "Try English this time. Even the American version."
Lloyd took a deep breath; Merlin could hear it. "Merlin, it's Arthur, it's big, it's huge. Oh my god, he's going to be the biggest star ever! When he's a gay icon, you'll still come to my parties, right?"
Merlin wasn't alarmed. Confused, but not alarmed. "Lloyd, you're still not making any sense."
"Captain America," Lloyd gasped. "Warner Brothers wants Arthur to read for Captain America."
Merlin sat down on the floor with a thud. "Captain America, who? The comic book hero?"
"YES!"
"Lloyd, did you get the dick-smoker on the phone yet?" Ari's voice interrupted their conversation.
Merlin looked around the room suspiciously. It might be a joke; he wouldn't put it past Ari. "Ari, what's this about Captain America?"
"First, tell me who's the biggest fucking miracle worker ever?"
"Anne Sullivan," Merlin mocked. "Helen Keller's teacher."
"Fuck you, Dumbo. Seriously, I hope you've invested in knee pads, because you are going to be sucking my cock for the rest of your fucking life."
"Ari," Lloyd chided.
"Okay, okay," Ari conceded. "Merlin, this is fucking serious. This is bigger than fucking serious. The head of Warner Brothers used to suck my cock and she's waiting for approval from this other guy I know, so I need you and the King Arthur down here right the fuck now."
If Ari was calling Merlin by his name, this was well past serious. This was life or death.
"ARTHUR!" Merlin hollered.
There was a huge clatter from down the hall, followed by a mass of expletives and thundering footsteps. Arthur appeared in the doorway with white paint in his hair.
"Fucking hell, Merlin," he cursed. "I thought you'd fallen and killed yourself."
Merlin smiled cheekily. "Stop being a prat and clean yourself up. We're about to make you a superhero."
Arthur gave Merlin a puzzled look.
"Warner Brothers is looking at you for the Captain America franchise. Get dressed. We have to go impress people."
Arthur's entire demeanour snapped to attention. "Well, why are you just fucking standing there? Get ready!"
Merlin chuckled and put the mobile back to his ear. "Did you hear that?"
"Yes," Ari snapped. "And I'm only going to tell you this once, so remember it for both of you: if you fuck this up, I will fucking kill you. Seriously. I will chop your body up and mail it to your mom. They'll need dental records to ID the body."
Merlin snorted. "Bye, Ari."
Lloyd was waiting for them when they got off of the lift.
Merlin smiled, Arthur just pulled at the collar of his tee shirt. He was wearing a suit jacket with his favourite jeans. Or more accurately, Merlin's favourite jeans, since they were the ones that made Arthur's arse look edible. Lloyd nodded approvingly.
"Okay, they're waiting for you in Ari's office," Lloyd drilled. "Just go in there and be yourselves, and be nice, and please, please, I am begging you, go along with it."
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Go along with what?"
"You'll see," Lloyd said cryptically.
"We'll see what?"
"They really do love each other, they just don't always act like it," Lloyd insisted.
Merlin's curiosity was totally piqued; he glanced at Arthur. Arthur's face was impassive, but the corner of his eye was twitching.
"They're here," Lloyd announced when they arrived at Ari's office. He then stepped aside to let Merlin and Arthur pass.
Merlin froze in the doorway, and Arthur ran right into him. "Fucking hell, Merlin!" Arthur's words died off when he looked past Merlin and saw Robert Downey Jr sitting on Ari's lap in an arm chair.
"This is not as gay as it looks," Ari said evenly.
"Yes, it is, Ari, don't lie to the children," Robert replied.
Ari stood up abruptly, and Robert fell onto the floor.
"Now that's just mean," Robert said, sprawled on the floor. "You used to love playing teacher and naughty schoolboy."
Merlin glanced over at Arthur and saw his own gob-smacked expression perfectly replicated.
"You don't have to hide," Robert beckoned them into Ari's glass shrine of an office. "I promise I only role play with people who've bailed me out of jail at least three times."
Merlin walked in cautiously; he could feel Arthur dogging his heels.
"We could come back," Merlin said hesitantly. "If we're interrupting something."
Robert jumped to his feet smoothly. "We got interrupted the first time I got married and the second time Ari left me at rehab, don't even worry about."
Merlin blinked again as Robert Downey Jr sauntered over to them. He was short -- even by Hollywood's standard of height -- but he radiated star power. Or possibly that was just Merlin's overwhelmed hormones.
"I'm Bob," he said, extending his hand to shake. "And you are?"
"Merlin, and this is --"
"Arthur. Arthur Pendragon."
Bob raised an eyebrow even as he shook Arthur's hand. "Handsome boyfriend you've got here, Arthur, I like the ears."
Merlin could feel his face flushing. "I get them from my dad. I think. I don't know, I've never met him," he babbled.
Robert nodded contemplatively. "His loss." He turned back towards Arthur. "And you, well, I can see why Matt wanted to get in there first."
It was Arthur's turn to look embarrassed. "I don’t know what you heard, but I can assure you that I never --"
Bob laughed. "I'm just messing with you, kid, but you know, for a Brit, you really look corn-fed. Blond hair, blue eyes, body like Adonis. Are you sure you weren't cloned in a lab in Iowa?"
"Knock it off, Downey," Ari interrupted. "There'll be plenty of time for you to molest the jailbait after you give the movie the green light."
Robert turned back to Ari and gave him the most perfectly innocent look Merlin had ever seen. Now that was acting. "I would never molest anybody but you. Didn't you hear I've been rehabilitated? I'm the comeback kid now. I've got a whole Iron Man franchise that says so."
Ari snorted. "That's not what my dick says."
"Don't let Mrs. Ari hear you talking like that." Robert's tone was all sing-song. "I mean the female one, not George."
"Stop picking on George," Ari dryly.
"You know I love my replacement."
"Nobody replaced you, asshole, now shut the fuck up."
Merlin got the feeling that this conversation had taken place before. Several times. He also got the impression that there was a lot between Ari and Robert Downey Jr that he didn't know about, which either made Ari a severely repressed queer or a homophobic bisexual.
He glanced over at Arthur who was taking in the entire scene with great interest.
Robert clapped his hands together. "I'm sure the kids don't want to hear about the time I gave you gonorrhoea in Fiji, they want to talk about Captain America, right?"
Robert turned back to Arthur and Merlin and smiled at them broadly. Merlin's trousers went a bit tight.
"So, you boys want to make a movie with me or what?"
"Yes!" Arthur practically cut off Robert's question. Merlin patted his forearm, and Arthur glanced at him. "Yes, please," he corrected.
Robert grinned over his shoulder at Ari. "He's got manners. And he's eager. Please tell me you haven't been whoring his innocence all over town."
Ari shrugged. "You and Matty get first dibs."
Robert cocked his head to the side. "I can live with Matt's sloppy seconds."
"You know he's not trade," Merlin interrupted.
He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but the whole exchange sounded so sordid, he just needed some clarification.
He ignored Arthur's glare.
"You!" Ari ordered, pointing at Merlin. "Shut the fuck up!"
Robert waved Ari off dismissively. "Trade?" he sounded genuinely shocked. "Oh, Merlin, no. Yes, we fuck you in this town, but the pay is good as long as you have the right people on your side. Like Ari. And me. Sometimes we even use condoms, so I promise I won't let anything happen to your boyfriend."
"He's not my... " Merlin's words died off at the looks of disbelief.
"Oh, really?" Arthur challenged.
"Okay, you are, but it's just --"
"That seems so formal," Robert concluded.
"We just are," Merlin said a bit lamely under Arthur's scowl.
"God, please save me from the fags!" Ari called to the ceiling.
"You, shut up," Robert ordered. "And you two, you sit down and tell me how awesome it's going to be to be America's favourite gay superhero."
Arthur sat down and Merlin perched on the sofa arm next to him. "Robert," Arthur began.
"Bob," Robert corrected. "Just Bob."
"Bob," Arthur began again. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't remember Captain America being gay in the comic books."
"Oh, he's not," Bob said with a wicked smile. "But he will be. It's called subtext."
Arthur chuckled.
Merlin pursed his lips. "And who's this subtext with?"
Robert grinned and rubbed his hands together. "I take it you've never read any Avengers comics, Merlin."
Merlin shook his head no.
"I'm going to have Lloyd call Marvel and have the last fifteen years of Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America comics sent to your house."
"That's a lot of comics," Arthur commented.
"Research," Robert said, dropping down into the chair Ari had earlier pushed him out of. "Research about the great love of Iron Man and Captain America."
Merlin gaped; Arthur's grin mirrored Robert's.
Behind his desk, Ari cracked the top on a bottle of Maalox.
"What can I say?' he shrugged when Merlin and Arthur looked at him for verification. "I figure if I'm going to have somebody living in sin with their ass-monkey, I might as well make some fucking money off of it. And you cocksuckers better make me a whole fucking boatload of money."
Merlin tried to be realistic on the way home from MGA. "He likes you; he never said you had the role."
Arthur said nothing, but his jaw was tight as he battled evening traffic on Sunset.
"I mean, okay, he clearly wants you to have to the role," Merlin tried, "but who knows what the studio will say."
Arthur's mouth turned down at the corners. Merlin sighed. It was a dirty job, but someone had to manage expectations. Especially since that was, apparently, Merlin's entire job.
Arthur pulled rather abruptly into the parking lot of a liquor store. "We've got lager at the house," Merlin pointed out.
"I need something stronger," Arthur said, slipping the Porsche into park and getting out of the car
Merlin scowled at the dashboard. Damn Ari for that meeting and getting Arthur's hopes up. And by extension, Merlin's hopes too.
He pulled his mobile out to ring Ari and read him the riot act, but it vibrated in his hand first.
Ari.
"Ari, if Arthur doesn't get this role and you got him all riled up for no reason, I swear to god, I will come down there and cut off your nuts and flush them down the loo!" Merlin said by way of greeting.
"I like the kinky talk," Robert Downey Jr's voice was crystal clear. Merlin closed his eyes. Bollocks.
"Merlin?"
"Yes?"
"This isn't Ari."
"I've, uh, figured that much out."
"Good. Now I want you to go tell your man that he's not riled up for no reason. Ari and I talked to the head of Warner Brothers -- lovely girl, Dana Gordon. She's fucked Ari, too. Anyway, we're putting Arthur in Iron Man 2 with me as a lead-in to Captain America. Do you think he'd like that?"
"Oh, fucking god, yes," Merlin breathed.
Robert laughed. "Good, well, I'll let you tell him, and we'll let Ari sort out the details, all right?"
"Yes, right, lovely. I'll tell him," Merlin said just as Arthur climbed back in the car with a large paper bag.
"You'll tell who what?" Arthur asked, handing the bag to Merlin.
Merlin bit his lip, his smile threatening to split his face in half.
"Merlin?"
Merlin looked up at Arthur, at the hopeful expression and grinned. "So, Captain America, are you going to take me home and shag my brains out or what?"
Arthur's face went through a torrent of expressions: from confused to blank to euphoric to cautiously optimistic. "Really, Merlin?" he asked softly.
Merlin leaned in and snogged Arthur quickly. "Yes, really," he promised against Arthur's mouth.
That night, after some rather acrobatic sex that left a dent in the dining room wall and scuff marks on the flooring in the entry hall, Merlin and Arthur had Morgana and Gwen over to celebrate profusely and extensively with large quantities of alcohol.
At five in the morning, after Merlin had nearly killed himself on an errant beer bottle and Arthur had fall asleep on the floor beside the bed, Merlin went down the hall to use the bathroom. He couldn't say why he didn't bother to use the bathroom attached to their bedroom, possibly because someone had been sick in it.
As he stumbled by the guest room, he caught a glimpse of Morgana and Gwen passed out on the bed. There was nothing of note there. Except that Morgana and Gwen weren't sharing the bed, they were sleeping in it. Together. As though it were a natural state of affairs. Merlin blinked several times. Oh. Oh.
Part III
The Kingdom of the Blaggers
Ari rang at some godforsaken hour on New Year's Day, demanding a report from Arthur on how things had gone in Argentina. Considering that Arthur was dead to the world and snoring like a 20-stone Sumo wrestler, Merlin didn't think he had an opinion at the moment.
So, his exact words were, "Fuck off and die, Ari."
Ari laughed. "Suck my cock, Marvin."
"Merlin. And not even if I could find it with the Hubble Telescope."
Merlin could hear Ari's smile down the phone. It was disconcerting.
"So, seriously, Melvin, Matty tells me our boy did a good job."
Merlin glanced over at Arthur. His face was buried under a mound of pillows, his blond hair sticking up in tufts as though trying to escape being smothered. "He said that, did he?"
"This is fucking huge for Arthur, you know that, right?"
Merlin was quiet. "Get the movie in the theatre, Ari, and then you can rhapsodise about your magic cock."
Ari cackled. "Get yourself some good knee pillows, Dumbo, that's all I'm saying."
Merlin rang off and glanced over at Arthur.
Of course, he'd slept through the entire exchange.
A rather shocking thing happened after Arthur came back from shooting Los Gatos Son Negros in Argentina; he got work. Only he didn't just get work, it was good work.
The daytime soaps and commercials were replaced with a guest role on FX's Damages and then another on Rescue Me. Arthur spent two weeks in Miami working on a three-episode arc on USA's Burn Notice and then he got the call for an episode of David Simon's new HBO series Treme and spent another two weeks in New Orleans working on that.
The first three months of the year were spent with Arthur working, and Merlin and Ari fighting over Arthur working and where he would work and when and doing what. For someone who wasn't Arthur's manager, Merlin was certainly acting like it.
At least that was what Gwen said over breakfast at the 101.
Merlin just scowled and went back to his breakfast of Heineken and American pancakes.
"Are you at least being paid like a manager?" Gwen broached while Merlin's mouth was full of food.
Merlin narrowed his eyes. Damn Gwen that she would ask, and damn Arthur for automatically giving Merlin a pay cheque every two weeks.
Merlin washed down his pancakes with more beer.
Gwen smirked. "I'll take that as a 'yes'."
Merlin changed the subject. "Speaking of work, I saw Morgana's billboard for Incubus/Succubus on Sunset and nearly drove into on-coming traffic."
Gwen coughed and busied herself with her omelette.
It must've been Merlin's imagination that her face looked a bit flushed.
Merlin was sitting at a red light on Franklin and Highland when his mobile rang. Excalibur was humming happily underneath him, the radio tuned to Indie 103. The car seemed to work quite well as long as Merlin played decent music and didn't try to park on any hills.
"Yeah?"
"Merlin? Hi! It's Lloyd, from Ari's office!"
Merlin smiled despite himself. He hated Ari with the passion of a thousand PETA followers, but he couldn't help but love Lloyd, Ari's extraordinarily flamboyant assistant. Quite possibly because Lloyd seemed to love everyone.
The first time Merlin had gone with Arthur to the Miller Gold offices, Lloyd had fluttered around them like his mum, offering water and tea and anything else as long as they promised to, "Never lose those sexy accents. I hate it when people become too American, it's so tacky," Lloyd said.
Merlin and Arthur had just shared a bemused look and smiled properly.
"And don't let Ari scare you," Lloyd confided in a very low tone. "I know he shouts a lot and is totally an insensitive, racist, homophobic cretin, but he really loves his clients. He would totally take a bullet for any of them."
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Ari Gold. The angry, Jewish runt that I'm going to run over with my car?"
"Merlin, your car couldn't run over a squirrel," Arthur interrupted.
"That's not the point," Merlin said.
Lloyd beamed. "You two are adorable. Don't let anybody ruin that. God knows they'll try."
And then Lloyd scurried off and Ari stomped in and that had been the end of that.
"Merlin?"
An angry horn blared behind Merlin, and he took the left turn onto Highland. "Sorry, Lloyd, I'm here, everything all right?"
"Oh my god! I had to tell you! It's so exciting!"
"Ari died?"
Lloyd made a tsking noise. "Merlin!"
"Sorry, what's so exciting?"
"Arthur! Someone just made the very first Arthur Pendragon fan website!"
Merlin nearly ran into the car stopped in front of him. Sodding Los Angeles traffic. "Someone made a website? About Arthur?"
"Oh yes!" Lloyd trilled. "And -- wow, they've got photos of him shirtless."
"From where?" Merlin demanded.
"Did you go to the beach recently?"
They'd gone drinking at the beach, but Merlin didn't… "No."
"Oh, wait, they're from Matt's movie."
"Los Gatos?" Merlin asked. "How is that even possible? The movie's still in post-production."
"Well, these look like production stills."
"Then how the hell did they get photos from Argentina?"
Lloyd laughed. "I take it you don't know much about fans."
Arthur's first national interview was a little bit on Access: Hollywood to talk about the Matt Damon film. Ari had sent his favourite publicist, Shauna, along with Merlin and Arthur to the set. Lloyd had shown up as Ari's proxy, since apparently Jake Gyllenhaal was having some sort of sexuality crisis and thought he was straight.
Merlin stood off in the wings, letting Lloyd prattle on about his boyfriend and the awesome holiday Ari had sent them on after he'd made Lloyd cry one too many times. Merlin's attention was on Arthur, who was wearing a rather nice dark blue shirt that brought out his eyes according to Morgana and Gwen, who'd given the fashion advice that morning.
Arthur was being fussed over by hair and make-up, Shauna and the sound people. Every now and then Merlin caught Arthur's eyes darting in his direction, and he smiled encouragingly as Shauna whispered talking points in Arthur's ear.
Eventually, there was enough prep. The presenter sat down across from Arthur, and Shauna stepped away.
A female presenter. Perfect.
The interview started off easily enough.
"Is this your first movie role?" the woman asked.
Arthur smiled and ducked his head. "Yes."
Merlin's couldn't see the presenter particularly well, but she was most definitely blond, most definitely fit, and if she was sane, most definitely interested in Arthur.
"You must be excited."
"Very much so." Merlin shook his head. Arthur was giving his endearing look; the interviewer was done for.
"How was it working with Matt Damon?"
Arthur laughed, showing off some rather expensive dental work. "Brilliant. It was a great honour to work with Matt and Javier Bardem."
The presenter nodded. "And what was it like in Argentina?"
"They have excellent drinks," Arthur said sagely.
"And of course, your new fans want to know: are you dating someone?"
Arthur paused, and his eyes cut over to Merlin quickly enough that only Merlin caught it, but it was a second too long.
"Does she have a name?" she prodded.
And Arthur did what any good Englishman would do. He said, "I don't talk about personal matters."
The presenter sat up a bit straighter. "So you won't talk about your father then? Sir Uther Pendragon, that legend of theatre and screen?"
Arthur's face went tight. "No, I will not discuss my father."
"But a few questions would be okay, right? I mean your father just received a knighthood from the Queen. You must be proud." The woman was digging. Merlin could feel his mouth thinning into a line.
"No," Arthur snapped. "I am not my father. If you wish you to talk about him, then you'll need to talk to him."
"Well, yes, but surely you want a career like his. I know plenty of actors who would love to have a career like your father's. To be so well-known and loved."
Merlin winced, and when Lloyd shot him a glance, Merlin nodded.
Yes, disaster was imminent.
Arthur's tone was perfectly clipped. "I am my own man; I do things in my own way, in my own time."
"It must be very hard to follow in such large footsteps," the woman carried on.
Arthur stood up, and walked out.
Merlin turned to Lloyd with a mirthless smile. "Well, that went well, don't you think?"
Merlin couldn’t remember a time when he hadn't known Arthur. Obviously it had to exist, they hadn't gone to school together like he and Gwen. Merlin and Arthur had only met when Merlin got a bursary to go to that posh public school, and while Merlin hadn't exactly fit in, Arthur hadn't really seemed to care. At least he hadn't after that first day when they'd fought in the school playground. Then again, Arthur had always had the golden touch. If he approved, everyone else fell in line. If Arthur played a sport, it was the best sport. If Arthur supported a team, then it was the best team. The only thing Arthur had never really been able to make go his way was his relationship with his father. Not that Uther didn't care about Arthur; he just didn't seem to care much. He'd skipped Arthur's first RADA performance to entertain Prince Charles and his ilk at a charity performance. He'd missed Arthur's second performance because he was on location in Paris, as though the Eurostar didn't exist.
Then again, Uther Pendragon was a star. Who had room for family when you had an adoring public to contend with? You either made time or you didn't.
Ari was not pleased about the interview.
Merlin wasn't particularly surprised.
"What the fuck were you thinking, Arthur?!" Ari railed, stomping around his glass behemoth of a desk. "This is your first fucking U.S. interview! You can't just fucking walk the fuck out like it's a fucking protest march! If that bitch had told you to get down on your knees and lick her toes, you should've fucking said, 'Where do you want me to start, baby?!'"
"Fuck you, Ari," Arthur spat back. "I don't take questions about my father."
"You're not the fucking Prince of England, Arthur! You've done one goddamn movie! Your name isn't fucking Ryan Gosling; you've never even opened a fucking movie! You don't tell people how to do jack shit -- you ask them if they want you to spit or swallow, that's it. "
"I do damn well what I please, when I please!" Arthur retorted sharply.
Merlin had no idea why they both chose that moment to look at him. This wasn’t his fault.
Ari's face went red. "Do not even fucking get me started on your fudge-packing ass monkey, do you know how much work Shauna's been doing on that domestic-partner-best-friend-suck-buddy shit already? Why the fuck can't you just be into hookers and blow like everybody else? Why the hell are you a cocksucker?!"
"ARI!" Lloyd called reproachfully from the hallway.
"Shut the fuck up you Korean fairy, nobody was talking to you!"
Lloyd's head popped around the corner. "I'm not Korean, Ari. Stop being a racist asshole."
Ari's pursed his lips. "He's a fucking homo drama queen!" he said, pointing at Arthur. "Fix it."
Lloyd put his hands on his hips. "Newsflash, Ari, all your fucking clients are gay; this is Hollywood. So unless you want me to start telling Perez that George and Anderson Cooper are finally adopting Somalian babies, you better play nice."
Ari dropped down in a chair and put his head in his hands. "Why is it always the gay ones that have the most talent?"
Arthur's face went blank. "You think I have talent?"
Ari glared up at him. "Do you think I would've told Matt to put you in his movie if I thought you couldn't make it work?"
"You got me that role? I thought --"
"Motherfucker, I. MADE. YOU." Ari said. "And don't you forget it."
Arthur was quiet for a moment. "I'm not going to pretend to be in the closet, Ari."
Ari made a scoffing sound. "I have yet to sign anybody who's pretended to be in any fucking closet, unless they got their asses handcuffed in there during some kinky sex shit. Now go away; I have to fix this."
Merlin had been quiet for the better part of the exchange, but now he opened his mouth and then he thought better of it. Instead, he stood up and tugged on Arthur's sleeve.
Lloyd was hovering outside the door. "Don't mind, Ari," he said helpfully. "He really does like you. He'd probably stab anybody who looked at you wrong."
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "This is his way of being loyal?"
Lloyd just shrugged. "He's an asshole, but believe me, he's the best agent you could ever hope for."
"Jesus," Merlin said, "I'd hate to see what the bad agents are like." And then he thought of the agent Arthur had when Merlin first arrived. The one who never rang Arthur back or took Merlin's calls or referred to Arthur as 'Albert' half the time. When you compared Ari to that, well, then, yes. This was better.
Arthur was quiet through the drive home and well into dinner. He ignored the reheated Indian takeaway and instead went for a swim in the pool. Merlin sighed, put the plates back in the fridge and went to watch telly.
He fell asleep at some point, which only became relevant when he woke up and Arthur was flinging wet clothes at his head. "Fucking hell, if you…" Merlin's words died off when he realised Arthur was now naked.
"Huh," Merlin said rather succinctly. "Was there something you wanted?"
But Arthur just stood there, staring at him.
Merlin narrowed his eyes. "Arthur?"
Arthur's face twisted into a pained rictus. "I don’t want to be him, Merlin."
Merlin pushed the wet clothes off his lap and stood up. "He's not half the man you are," he promised.
Arthur continued to stand in the middle of the sitting room looking upset, and Merlin just shook his head and crossed the floor. Damn Uther Pendragon and his fucking fame. Damn him for making Arthur so desperate for his attention and approval.
Arthur's skin was clammy to the touch, and Merlin rubbed his shoulders and biceps quickly, trying to warm him up. He dropped to his knees and rubbed at the backs of Arthur's thighs, but when he glanced upwards, Arthur was staring at the ceiling.
He made a noise though when Merlin nuzzled at his hip bone, and then he looked down when Merlin kissed the skin next to his navel. Merlin smiled up at him and bit him gently.
He was completely unprepared for Arthur to lean down and shove him onto his back. Merlin landed hard, and then Arthur was over him, straddling his hips and pinning Merlin's wrists to the carpeting.
Merlin's mouth twitched at the corners. "Kinky."
Arthur's face softened, but his kiss was brutal. He didn't just attack, he devoured. Merlin felt the sharpness when his lip split open and the heat when Arthur's tongue laved at the cut. Arthur bit and marked and took.
Merlin's entire body cramped up when Arthur sucked a mark along the skin behind his ear, and his jaw went slack when Arthur kissed him only because he would've done himself serious damage if he'd tried to keep up with Arthur's onslaught.
Merlin panted as Arthur yanked at his clothes urgently. "I'm trying -- I'm trying -- it doesn't bend that way, you know," he complained when Arthur nearly yanked his arm out of the socket.
"Seriously. Enough. Trousers off, now," Merlin demanded, thrusting his hips up and trying to dislodge Arthur, who didn't actually comply. Instead he pulled Merlin's shirt off just enough for Merlin's arms to get tangled, and then he moved back enough to unfasten Merlin's trousers and pants and drag them down to his knees. Only then did Arthur stop and sit up.
He silently pressed his hand against Merlin's collarbone, his fingers spanning Merlin's neck, and then he dragged his nails down Merlin's chest hard, leaving little flares of pain and heat. Merlin's cock jerked against his stomach.
Merlin didn't whimper. At least he hoped he didn't. But then Arthur's mouth was on his dick, hot as sin and sucking like a fucking Hoover, and his hands were everywhere, pinching Merlin's nipples and raking along his ribs. Merlin sort of exploded all over everything, writhing and begging, completely held captive by his stupid fucking clothing and Arthur's evil, wicked mouth.
Arthur's pulled off with a loud, wet slurp. "I'm evil, am I?"
Merlin moaned. "Fuck you, Arthur."
"Is that what you want?" Arthur inquired. "I thought you might want to me fuck you given your current position."
"I don't fucking care!" Merlin shouted. "Just get on with it!"
Arthur laughed against the inside of Merlin's thigh, and Merlin could feel the muscle tremble. But then Arthur's hands were under Merlin's knees, pushing his confined legs up and letting Arthur move further between Merlin's legs. Merlin's vision went fuzzy when Arthur began mouthing his balls, and then the whole world went topsy-turvy and Merlin was on his hands and knees with Arthur behind him, his fingers rubbing Merlin's entrance gently.
"Do it," Merlin demanded, pushing back unabashedly.
Arthur laughed, but then his fingers spread Merlin apart and his tongue laved over Merlin's hole and that was pretty much it for Merlin's brain. Arthur's tongue was everything, licking and pushing, opening Merlin up and taking him whole. Merlin could feel his orgasm coming far faster than he was ready. It was like knowing the train was coming when you were still trying to get out your Oyster card and get into the fucking station.
And then Arthur's tongue was gone and it was replaced by a finger. A warm hand wrapped around Merlin's cock, and all it took was two strokes, three at the most, and then he was coming. Oh god, was he coming.
"Rug burn," Merlin bitched when he came back to himself face down on the carpeting. "I've got rug burn everywhere."
Arthur just grunted somewhere behind him, and Merlin glanced over his shoulder. His eyes widened enough to actually hurt at the sight of Arthur kneeling behind him, rapidly stroking his prick.
Merlin opened his mouth, but nothing came out.
He couldn't do anything but stare, and then Arthur was coming all over his own thigh and part of Merlin's leg and Merlin just collapsed. "Fine," Merlin muttered to the floor. "Kill me with sex. See if I care. Really."
Arthur just laughed. "You care."
Merlin tried for a haughty look, but couldn't be bothered to make the effort.
In light of the Access: Hollywood debacle, Ari put Arthur on a rather strict leash. All interviews were conducted on the phone in Ari's office, or with Ari present holding a riding crop and wearing a helmet that looked like something from World War II.
Arthur went along with this for the sake of his career, and Merlin went along with it because Arthur went along with it. The arrangement worked perfectly until it came time for the Los Gatos premiere and Arthur wanted to take Merlin to New York as his date.
"Do the words 'fuck no' mean anything to you?" Ari asked incredulously.
Arthur grinned. "No, can't say that they do."
Ari turned towards Merlin. "You, with the ears, stop being a fucking ass-bandit and manage your fucking client."
Merlin opened his mouth to point out that he didn’t manage Arthur, when it finally occurred to him that, yeah, he did. "What's the worst thing that happens if I go as Arthur's date?" Merlin asked. "Rhetorically speaking."
Ari's eyes widened comically. "Does taking it up the ass make you temporarily stupid or something, because George tries stupid shit like this sometimes. Back when he was letting Brad play backdoor-bandit it was like talking to a fucking retarded six year-old…"
Merlin turned towards Arthur bemusedly as Ari prattled on. "Brad Pitt?" he mouthed silently.
"And George Clooney?" Arthur replied.
Lloyd materialized in the doorway and beckoned them over. "Did one of you mention Brad Pitt?" he asked worriedly.
"No," Merlin said, "Arthur wanted to take me as his date to the movie premiere, and Ari kind of, well." Merlin gestured over his shoulder.
Lloyd sighed. "Okay, for future reference never ever, ever, ever mention Brad Pitt around Ari, it makes him kind of irrational. One minute he's threatening castration, the next he's super depressed because of how sad George was when Brad left and knocked up Angie."
"Wait, are you saying Brad Pitt and George Clooney used to…" Arthur's sentence died off as Lloyd raised his eyebrows expressively.
"Worst kept secret in Hollywood," Lloyd said. "I have no idea how the rest of the world doesn't know by now."
Merlin and Arthur exchanged a look. "That's got nothing to do with us," Merlin said.
"No, it doesn't," Lloyd agreed, "but what Ari was trying to avoid was the deer in the headlights meets crazy boyfriend affect."
"Sorry?" Arthur said. "I don't follow."
"The first carpet is the worst. Always. They don't call the red carpet 'the gauntlet' because it's fun you know. People vomit. Pass out. I had to sedate six people during the first Shia LaBeouf movie, including Shia. Of course some just get rip roaring drunk and grope the press. We don't want that. That's the deer in the headlights effect. You add in the overprotective boyfriend," Lloyd smiled momentarily at Merlin, "and you get disaster."
Arthur rolled his eyes. "Why didn't Ari just say so?"
They all looked back at where Ari was still raving about Brad Pitt being a crack-smoking, duck-fucking baby-eater.
"You were saying?" Lloyd asked.
Arthur thought about it. "Can I bring more than one person?"
"As long as they can speak coherently and didn't recently vacate a trailer park," Lloyd agreed.
Los Gatos Son Negros opened the TriBeCa Film Festival, since apparently Matt Damon and Robert DeNiro were friends that way. Merlin wondered how a town of millions of people could be so fucking incestuous. Everybody seemed to know everyone else, be fucking everyone else, talking badly about everyone else or some combination of all three.
Merlin had never been to New York before, and apparently that wasn't going to change tonight either. They'd flown in that morning, and Arthur had done press all afternoon for the movie while Morgana had done a few meet and greets for Incubus/Succubus. Gwen and Merlin had decided to go sight-seeing, and instead, promptly fell asleep in the suite.
In the limousine they made strained conversation and Merlin spilled some of his champagne on Morgana's shoe, which she waved off. Merlin raised an eyebrow.
It was strange the way people reacted to stress. The closer they got to the entrance of the theatre, the tighter Merlin's tuxedo became. At one point, he thought he couldn't breathe. Arthur seemed to be in his own little world, his face tight and pale. And while Morgana seemed calm, the fact that she didn't berate Merlin for the spill and her death grip on Gwen's wrist said otherwise. Only Gwen seemed at ease, which was really par for the course.
And then the limousine stopped.
Merlin turned to Arthur and smiled with an ease he didn't feel. "Last chance to change your mind."
Arthur's eyes narrowed. "Why, are you not coming?"
Merlin just laughed. "No, it's too late to get rid of me now."
And then the door opened and they were swallowed whole.
On the carpet, they stood together, the four of them, mixing and matching and shuffling places under the assault of lights and screaming and other people on the carpet until the press couldn't sort out who came with who or what was going on.
Under the circumstances, it was a pretty fucking brilliant call.
Merlin was going to have to do something nice for Lloyd when they got home.
Merlin didn't know what to say after the screening of Los Gatos. He really and truly didn't remember reading a script where there was a role for a bisexual spy to fall in love with, and snog, Matt Damon on the screen. Merlin was sure he would have remembered that one.
Especially if Arthur was the one playing the spy.
He was going to have to completely rearrange all his wank material and move this up to the top of the queue. Immediately.
The movie wasn’t a smash hit at the box office, but apparently it was a smash hit with all the right people, because the next thing Merlin knew there were scripts falling out of the fucking sky and people just begging for a bit of Arthur's time. The casting director from DreamWorks that lost Merlin's phone number eighteen times started stalking him, and the independent studios were suddenly camping outside MGA's door, wanting Arthur to do period pieces and science-fiction movies where he slayed dragons.
Merlin was kind of partial to the dragon slaying himself.
It wasn't just the industry that was rolling over for Arthur though. Merlin rather stupidly Googled Arthur while they were sitting in traffic on the way to brunch one morning and his iPhone froze up after 250,000 hits. And when they finally arrived at the Eat Well in West Hollywood, one of the waiters dropped his tray when Arthur walked in the door behind Merlin.
For the most part the fans were nice, if a little touchy feely with their hands. The teenage girls seemed to be the most direct, and had no problem with running up to Arthur in the car park or in the middle of the grocery store or at ten in the morning when they were just leaving Coffee Bean. The gay men and older women seemed inclined to just stare openly or semi-discreetly take photos with their camera phones. There were only a few occasions that gave Merlin real alarm and most of them had to do with people walking into doors and parking meters when they passed by Arthur on the street.
Merlin was used to a certain amount of attention when he was with Arthur, so for the most part he was oblivious.
The day that Arthur came back to the table while they were out to dinner and told him that men were trying to grope him in the loo, however, Merlin threatened to stab someone with his fork.
The fifth time it happened, Merlin and Gwen didn't even pause in their conversation to remark.
For the record, Merlin considered himself pretty internet savvy, but under no circumstances was he clicking on links that said:
SEE HOTTIE ARTHUR IN ALL HIS GAY GLORY!
ARTHUR AND LOVER GO FOOD SHOPPING!!! BUY TEA AND BEER!!
THE MAN WHO SLAYED THE DRAGON: WHO IS ARTHUR PENDRAGON'S BOYFRIEND???
And the real corker:
IS PRINCE ARTHUR EVEN IN THE CLOSET? HOMOS NEED TO KNOW!
Merlin had no idea who Perez Hilton was, but if they ever met, Merlin was going to do him serious bodily damage.
It wasn't just the Hollywood industry and the fans that were taking note of Arthur though. Even the motherland got in on it.
Merlin got a call from Peters Fraser and Dunlop in London, who pretty much represented everyone who was anyone in the UK. Apparently the Beeb were looking at Arthur for a crime series with James McAvoy's wife, Anne-Marie Duff, and PFD wanted to know who was representing Arthur. When Merlin mentioned this to Ari, Ari's head spun around three times and he vomited pea soup. Well, not really, but his reaction wasn't that far gone from The Exorcist.
Merlin had thought it might be nice for Arthur to work at home for a bit, at the very least Merlin could fly over and see his mum and Uncle Gaius, but Ari was having none of it. So, Merlin lost that battle, but the guest role on Doctor Who was completely non-negotiable. Arthur didn't even consult Ari and Merlin before agreeing to that.
After more than a year in Los Angeles, things were beginning to go Arthur's way. So it was only fitting that his father picked this time to piss all over Arthur's head. The casual observer wouldn't have picked up on the slight, but Merlin wasn't casual, and he had Morgana and Gwen on his side, which helped immeasurably.
Or at least it did when Merlin remembered to turn on his mobile.
In this instance, Merlin was still asleep when something jolted him awake with a thud and a vicious rattle of the bed.
He sat up abruptly. "Earthquake!"
And then Merlin looked around. Nothing was moving. "Ah, not an earthquake then," he said ruefully, rubbing his face.
It took a moment for Merlin's eyes to land on Arthur standing in the middle of the room, his face flushed and his eyes wild. "Was it an earthquake?" Merlin asked bemusedly.
"He said I'm doing very well 'all things considered'." Arthur's voice quivered with rage.
Merlin didn't have to pretend to be confused. "He who said what when?"
"My father," Arthur spat. "He said he thought I was making an admirable effort, and that I was succeeding all things considered. I just had a lot to learn."
Merlin's brain tried to process this information. It completely failed. "Your father said this when? I don't -- how did you hear this?"
"At the opening of King Lear," Arthur flung a huge piece of white paper at Merlin. The issue of The Hollywood Reporter landed on the bed soundlessly.
Merlin extricated himself from the bed linens and grabbed the Hollywood daily. He only had to open the front cover to see Uther's face in vivid colour. He skimmed the tiny blurb about Uther's opening night of King Lear at the Barbican, and at the very bottom was Uther's comment about Arthur.
When asked about the success of his son, Arthur Pendragon, and his step-daughter, Morgana Fay, Pendragon smiled thoughtfully. 'Morgana has a face for the screen; I'm not surprised she's landed her own series on television. I predict this is just the beginning for her. Arthur - Arthur has done very well for himself all things considered. I think he has a great raw talent, it just needs to develop more. He's making an admirable effort though; do not discount him.
Merlin read the paragraph once, twice, and then closed the magazine. "He said you have a great raw talent."
"Raw." Arthur spat. "Raw? Why not just tell me to pack it in since I'll never be as good as him?"
"I don't think this says that," Merlin hedged.
"'All things considered', Merlin," Arthur repeated. "All things considered? Considering that he's brilliant, and I'm what? Rubbish?"
Merlin crawled out of the bed and walked over to Arthur. "Arthur, he's proud of you, can't you see that?"
"He thinks I'm a failure."
"You are not a failure," Merlin said fiercely. "You came here; you did this on your own. You got the commercials, you got Ari, you got the Los Gatos role." Merlin's volume increased over Arthur's protestations.
The despairing look on Arthur's face made Merlin want to break things. Lots of things.
Instead he just crowded Arthur's space until Arthur stumbled backwards into the wall. "You know the best way to prove him wrong is to be a huge success. I know you know that."
Arthur looked over Merlin's shoulder. "I'm trying."
Merlin grabbed Arthur's jaw, forcing Arthur to look at him. "You are not him. The only person you have to be is yourself. The only person you have to answer to is you -- and occasionally, me." Merlin paused to smile. "And you can start being your own person by getting us the hell out of this fucking tomb your father calls a house."
Arthur's puzzled expression was much better than his despair. "You want to move? I thought you liked it here."
"I fucking hate it here. This place is bigger than the V&A and has twice as much old, breakable crap. I keep waiting for a guard to step out of the ether and tell me not to touch anything. Can we get the hell out of here, please?"
Arthur blinked and then he smiled. "We can do that."
Merlin leaned in and kissed Arthur lightly. "Good."
Flat or house hunting in Los Angeles was the equivalent of drinking with the devil, you were bound to get screwed in the end and the only question was how much you were going to pay for the pleasure.
The first week Merlin and Arthur went looking together, which was a disaster. Merlin was not living in fucking Beverly Hills and Arthur thought Venice was for communists.
The second week, Arthur was shooting a guest spot on Incubus/Succubus for Morgana so he missed Merlin firing their estate agent after he tried to grope Merlin in a four-bedroom house between 6th and Wilshire.
The third week, Merlin began to dream of living on the street.
If it hadn't been for Lloyd's Gay Mafia connections, Merlin never would've found the house in Los Feliz. It was a lease with an option to buy, and while it wasn't exactly a gated community, the house had a front and back yard and the entire property was surrounded by a high concrete wall with tall shrubs hiding the house from curious eyes.
Mostly Merlin was entranced by the hammock tied between two oaks in the backyard and the view from the master bedroom of nothing but trees and sky. It was like paradise, or as close as they could get in Los Angeles.
When Merlin took Arthur to see the house, he warned him. "There's no pool, gym, sauna or wine cellar. I know you've been spoiled, so if that's what you want, you're not going to like it."
Arthur took one look at the wood flooring, white walls and high ceilings and smiled. "No chandeliers."
Merlin snorted. "No."
Arthur looked at the kitchen, at the coloured tiling and the gas stove and the built in eating area and window seat. "The stove doesn't have eight hobs."
Merlin smiled. "No, it doesn't."
"There's no bloody enormous fridge out of Star Trek either."
"No, none of that."
Upstairs, Merlin showed Arthur the three spare bedrooms. "I reckon one could be a guest room, one an office and the third can be for whatever. Maybe we'll put all your Oscars there."
Arthur smiled. "That's a lot of Oscars."
"I have faith," Merlin said solemnly.
Merlin didn't turn the light on when they walked into the master bedroom. He just steered Arthur over to the French doors and showed him the view.
Arthur stared out at the trees and the sun setting in the evening sky. "So," he said after several quiet minutes, "you've signed the papers already?"
Merlin grinned and pulled a swath of blue forms out of his back pocket. "Just waiting on you."
It was one thing to rent a house, it was quite another to furnish it. Between Arthur going off to work, and Merlin and Ari bickering over Arthur going off to work -- this seemed to repeat itself a lot -- by the end of the summer, Merlin and Arthur had a bed (first purchase), two plasma tellys (second and third purchases) and a sofa and two armchairs (fourth and fifth purchases, respectively). If the closet hadn't been built in, they probably would've just left their clothes in the boxes they'd moved in.
Merlin was on his knees, sorting through one of those boxes looking for his favourite green trainers and cursing their lack of armoire when the phone rang.
Merlin's knees popped alarmingly when he stood up. "Hi, Lloyd," he said, answering his mobile.
"Ohmygodmerlinitsthemostamazingthingever."
Merlin blinked. "Sorry, Lloyd, I didn’t catch that," he said. "Try English this time. Even the American version."
Lloyd took a deep breath; Merlin could hear it. "Merlin, it's Arthur, it's big, it's huge. Oh my god, he's going to be the biggest star ever! When he's a gay icon, you'll still come to my parties, right?"
Merlin wasn't alarmed. Confused, but not alarmed. "Lloyd, you're still not making any sense."
"Captain America," Lloyd gasped. "Warner Brothers wants Arthur to read for Captain America."
Merlin sat down on the floor with a thud. "Captain America, who? The comic book hero?"
"YES!"
"Lloyd, did you get the dick-smoker on the phone yet?" Ari's voice interrupted their conversation.
Merlin looked around the room suspiciously. It might be a joke; he wouldn't put it past Ari. "Ari, what's this about Captain America?"
"First, tell me who's the biggest fucking miracle worker ever?"
"Anne Sullivan," Merlin mocked. "Helen Keller's teacher."
"Fuck you, Dumbo. Seriously, I hope you've invested in knee pads, because you are going to be sucking my cock for the rest of your fucking life."
"Ari," Lloyd chided.
"Okay, okay," Ari conceded. "Merlin, this is fucking serious. This is bigger than fucking serious. The head of Warner Brothers used to suck my cock and she's waiting for approval from this other guy I know, so I need you and the King Arthur down here right the fuck now."
If Ari was calling Merlin by his name, this was well past serious. This was life or death.
"ARTHUR!" Merlin hollered.
There was a huge clatter from down the hall, followed by a mass of expletives and thundering footsteps. Arthur appeared in the doorway with white paint in his hair.
"Fucking hell, Merlin," he cursed. "I thought you'd fallen and killed yourself."
Merlin smiled cheekily. "Stop being a prat and clean yourself up. We're about to make you a superhero."
Arthur gave Merlin a puzzled look.
"Warner Brothers is looking at you for the Captain America franchise. Get dressed. We have to go impress people."
Arthur's entire demeanour snapped to attention. "Well, why are you just fucking standing there? Get ready!"
Merlin chuckled and put the mobile back to his ear. "Did you hear that?"
"Yes," Ari snapped. "And I'm only going to tell you this once, so remember it for both of you: if you fuck this up, I will fucking kill you. Seriously. I will chop your body up and mail it to your mom. They'll need dental records to ID the body."
Merlin snorted. "Bye, Ari."
Lloyd was waiting for them when they got off of the lift.
Merlin smiled, Arthur just pulled at the collar of his tee shirt. He was wearing a suit jacket with his favourite jeans. Or more accurately, Merlin's favourite jeans, since they were the ones that made Arthur's arse look edible. Lloyd nodded approvingly.
"Okay, they're waiting for you in Ari's office," Lloyd drilled. "Just go in there and be yourselves, and be nice, and please, please, I am begging you, go along with it."
Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Go along with what?"
"You'll see," Lloyd said cryptically.
"We'll see what?"
"They really do love each other, they just don't always act like it," Lloyd insisted.
Merlin's curiosity was totally piqued; he glanced at Arthur. Arthur's face was impassive, but the corner of his eye was twitching.
"They're here," Lloyd announced when they arrived at Ari's office. He then stepped aside to let Merlin and Arthur pass.
Merlin froze in the doorway, and Arthur ran right into him. "Fucking hell, Merlin!" Arthur's words died off when he looked past Merlin and saw Robert Downey Jr sitting on Ari's lap in an arm chair.
"This is not as gay as it looks," Ari said evenly.
"Yes, it is, Ari, don't lie to the children," Robert replied.
Ari stood up abruptly, and Robert fell onto the floor.
"Now that's just mean," Robert said, sprawled on the floor. "You used to love playing teacher and naughty schoolboy."
Merlin glanced over at Arthur and saw his own gob-smacked expression perfectly replicated.
"You don't have to hide," Robert beckoned them into Ari's glass shrine of an office. "I promise I only role play with people who've bailed me out of jail at least three times."
Merlin walked in cautiously; he could feel Arthur dogging his heels.
"We could come back," Merlin said hesitantly. "If we're interrupting something."
Robert jumped to his feet smoothly. "We got interrupted the first time I got married and the second time Ari left me at rehab, don't even worry about."
Merlin blinked again as Robert Downey Jr sauntered over to them. He was short -- even by Hollywood's standard of height -- but he radiated star power. Or possibly that was just Merlin's overwhelmed hormones.
"I'm Bob," he said, extending his hand to shake. "And you are?"
"Merlin, and this is --"
"Arthur. Arthur Pendragon."
Bob raised an eyebrow even as he shook Arthur's hand. "Handsome boyfriend you've got here, Arthur, I like the ears."
Merlin could feel his face flushing. "I get them from my dad. I think. I don't know, I've never met him," he babbled.
Robert nodded contemplatively. "His loss." He turned back towards Arthur. "And you, well, I can see why Matt wanted to get in there first."
It was Arthur's turn to look embarrassed. "I don’t know what you heard, but I can assure you that I never --"
Bob laughed. "I'm just messing with you, kid, but you know, for a Brit, you really look corn-fed. Blond hair, blue eyes, body like Adonis. Are you sure you weren't cloned in a lab in Iowa?"
"Knock it off, Downey," Ari interrupted. "There'll be plenty of time for you to molest the jailbait after you give the movie the green light."
Robert turned back to Ari and gave him the most perfectly innocent look Merlin had ever seen. Now that was acting. "I would never molest anybody but you. Didn't you hear I've been rehabilitated? I'm the comeback kid now. I've got a whole Iron Man franchise that says so."
Ari snorted. "That's not what my dick says."
"Don't let Mrs. Ari hear you talking like that." Robert's tone was all sing-song. "I mean the female one, not George."
"Stop picking on George," Ari dryly.
"You know I love my replacement."
"Nobody replaced you, asshole, now shut the fuck up."
Merlin got the feeling that this conversation had taken place before. Several times. He also got the impression that there was a lot between Ari and Robert Downey Jr that he didn't know about, which either made Ari a severely repressed queer or a homophobic bisexual.
He glanced over at Arthur who was taking in the entire scene with great interest.
Robert clapped his hands together. "I'm sure the kids don't want to hear about the time I gave you gonorrhoea in Fiji, they want to talk about Captain America, right?"
Robert turned back to Arthur and Merlin and smiled at them broadly. Merlin's trousers went a bit tight.
"So, you boys want to make a movie with me or what?"
"Yes!" Arthur practically cut off Robert's question. Merlin patted his forearm, and Arthur glanced at him. "Yes, please," he corrected.
Robert grinned over his shoulder at Ari. "He's got manners. And he's eager. Please tell me you haven't been whoring his innocence all over town."
Ari shrugged. "You and Matty get first dibs."
Robert cocked his head to the side. "I can live with Matt's sloppy seconds."
"You know he's not trade," Merlin interrupted.
He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but the whole exchange sounded so sordid, he just needed some clarification.
He ignored Arthur's glare.
"You!" Ari ordered, pointing at Merlin. "Shut the fuck up!"
Robert waved Ari off dismissively. "Trade?" he sounded genuinely shocked. "Oh, Merlin, no. Yes, we fuck you in this town, but the pay is good as long as you have the right people on your side. Like Ari. And me. Sometimes we even use condoms, so I promise I won't let anything happen to your boyfriend."
"He's not my... " Merlin's words died off at the looks of disbelief.
"Oh, really?" Arthur challenged.
"Okay, you are, but it's just --"
"That seems so formal," Robert concluded.
"We just are," Merlin said a bit lamely under Arthur's scowl.
"God, please save me from the fags!" Ari called to the ceiling.
"You, shut up," Robert ordered. "And you two, you sit down and tell me how awesome it's going to be to be America's favourite gay superhero."
Arthur sat down and Merlin perched on the sofa arm next to him. "Robert," Arthur began.
"Bob," Robert corrected. "Just Bob."
"Bob," Arthur began again. "Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but I don't remember Captain America being gay in the comic books."
"Oh, he's not," Bob said with a wicked smile. "But he will be. It's called subtext."
Arthur chuckled.
Merlin pursed his lips. "And who's this subtext with?"
Robert grinned and rubbed his hands together. "I take it you've never read any Avengers comics, Merlin."
Merlin shook his head no.
"I'm going to have Lloyd call Marvel and have the last fifteen years of Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America comics sent to your house."
"That's a lot of comics," Arthur commented.
"Research," Robert said, dropping down into the chair Ari had earlier pushed him out of. "Research about the great love of Iron Man and Captain America."
Merlin gaped; Arthur's grin mirrored Robert's.
Behind his desk, Ari cracked the top on a bottle of Maalox.
"What can I say?' he shrugged when Merlin and Arthur looked at him for verification. "I figure if I'm going to have somebody living in sin with their ass-monkey, I might as well make some fucking money off of it. And you cocksuckers better make me a whole fucking boatload of money."
Merlin tried to be realistic on the way home from MGA. "He likes you; he never said you had the role."
Arthur said nothing, but his jaw was tight as he battled evening traffic on Sunset.
"I mean, okay, he clearly wants you to have to the role," Merlin tried, "but who knows what the studio will say."
Arthur's mouth turned down at the corners. Merlin sighed. It was a dirty job, but someone had to manage expectations. Especially since that was, apparently, Merlin's entire job.
Arthur pulled rather abruptly into the parking lot of a liquor store. "We've got lager at the house," Merlin pointed out.
"I need something stronger," Arthur said, slipping the Porsche into park and getting out of the car
Merlin scowled at the dashboard. Damn Ari for that meeting and getting Arthur's hopes up. And by extension, Merlin's hopes too.
He pulled his mobile out to ring Ari and read him the riot act, but it vibrated in his hand first.
Ari.
"Ari, if Arthur doesn't get this role and you got him all riled up for no reason, I swear to god, I will come down there and cut off your nuts and flush them down the loo!" Merlin said by way of greeting.
"I like the kinky talk," Robert Downey Jr's voice was crystal clear. Merlin closed his eyes. Bollocks.
"Merlin?"
"Yes?"
"This isn't Ari."
"I've, uh, figured that much out."
"Good. Now I want you to go tell your man that he's not riled up for no reason. Ari and I talked to the head of Warner Brothers -- lovely girl, Dana Gordon. She's fucked Ari, too. Anyway, we're putting Arthur in Iron Man 2 with me as a lead-in to Captain America. Do you think he'd like that?"
"Oh, fucking god, yes," Merlin breathed.
Robert laughed. "Good, well, I'll let you tell him, and we'll let Ari sort out the details, all right?"
"Yes, right, lovely. I'll tell him," Merlin said just as Arthur climbed back in the car with a large paper bag.
"You'll tell who what?" Arthur asked, handing the bag to Merlin.
Merlin bit his lip, his smile threatening to split his face in half.
"Merlin?"
Merlin looked up at Arthur, at the hopeful expression and grinned. "So, Captain America, are you going to take me home and shag my brains out or what?"
Arthur's face went through a torrent of expressions: from confused to blank to euphoric to cautiously optimistic. "Really, Merlin?" he asked softly.
Merlin leaned in and snogged Arthur quickly. "Yes, really," he promised against Arthur's mouth.
That night, after some rather acrobatic sex that left a dent in the dining room wall and scuff marks on the flooring in the entry hall, Merlin and Arthur had Morgana and Gwen over to celebrate profusely and extensively with large quantities of alcohol.
At five in the morning, after Merlin had nearly killed himself on an errant beer bottle and Arthur had fall asleep on the floor beside the bed, Merlin went down the hall to use the bathroom. He couldn't say why he didn't bother to use the bathroom attached to their bedroom, possibly because someone had been sick in it.
As he stumbled by the guest room, he caught a glimpse of Morgana and Gwen passed out on the bed. There was nothing of note there. Except that Morgana and Gwen weren't sharing the bed, they were sleeping in it. Together. As though it were a natural state of affairs. Merlin blinked several times. Oh. Oh.
Part III