A more personal Update

[gwydion1987]

Hey everyone,

since I started it here, I'll continue. See this as a kind of follow-up on the post about the abusive relationship with my mother.

Since then I had conversations, read my way through books on the subject of how to deal with abusive parents (of which I can highly recommend "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.) and wrote my mother a

Comments

[bellamagic]

[gwydion1987]

Thank you! <3

[veedub]

huh... sounds familiar. my mother did a lot of the same things to me over the years, and when i finally tried to talk about it with her over the phone she was in complete denial and burst into tears for my being such an ungrateful daughter. so i knew it was hopeless. it wasn't until she became demented due to bleeding into the brain from a fall, and didn't know who i was, that she became the charming woman that everyone else had seen her to be. once she was freed from being my mother, she was perfectly nice, and we got along like gangbusters.

sometimes dementia is your friend :)

[gwydion1987]

I'm sorry to hear that - but will keep the dementia-part in mind. ;)

[cledon]

I'm so sorry. Her reaction seems pretty typical but I think every child has to try at some point. I know I did. The fact that you felt hope enough to be disappointed shows that your offer was real. Like South Africa after apartheid, confession + taking responsibility = amnesty, not forgiveness but a clean slate to move forward in a new pattern. That she couldn't/wouldn't take your offer is a reflection on her, not you. I honor you for trying.

It takes a lot of work to be able to become aware, acknowledge and take responsibility for causing damage to others. That your mother is not at that level is no surprise; if she were, she wouldn't be abusive in the first place. As a human being, there is always the possibility, if not much, that she will be able to change in the future.

In the meantime, I hope you can reach a point of honoring yourself for offering the chance that was refused and, without guilt, take care of yourself in a healthy way. My best wishes for you, Gwydion.

[gwydion1987]

"Like South Africa after apartheid, confession + taking responsibility = amnesty, not forgiveness but a clean slate to move forward in a new pattern." - YES!

Thank you so much for your words! :)

bb*
Gwydion