A more personal Update
Hey everyone,
since I started it here, I'll continue. See this as a kind of follow-up on the post about the abusive relationship with my mother.
Since then I had conversations, read my way through books on the subject of how to deal with abusive parents (of which I can highly recommend "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.) and wrote my mother a letter. This letter was my chosen form of confrontation about all these things in which I tried to communicate the effects her behaviors had and have on me. I didn't even ask her for apologies. All I wanted of her was to take back the resposibility for her life from my shoulders and to aknowledge the pain and wounds she caused me. I thought this wouldn't be too much. In a side note I added my good wishes for healing on her journey and recommented professional help to her to assist her in such.
Her first response was a three line letter in which she said how much I did hurt her by telling her my impressions and that she would seek professional help to deal with it. - As far as good I though, but - honostly - I should have known better.
In order to stay in touch and to stimulate some more response from her, I answered this three line thing with another letter in which I did let her know, that I was grateful she would seek out help, that I wished for her to find the support she needed and that I didn't bring up all these old issues because I didn't love her nor because I would claim she doesn't love me, but in order to cleanse this love from pain, guilt and shame in order for our relationship to grow healthy. I even aknowledged the changes in behaviour she did manage to make in the past in order to show her that it was about finishing things up and that things in the present would be way better once these cases were closed for good.
The answer to this letter actually was what one could call a proper letter. It came some days ago, but didn't read it before today. I wanted it to get the time and attention it deserved. I wanted the time for proper digestion on my part as well. Today, I didn't want to wait any longer. Maybe because I did get another greeting card from her in between that sounded promising.
Now that I read the letter, I wonder why I was almost convinced everything would turn out just fine. I could have known better.
It turns out, that my mother is (mostly) pulling the same strings as always. To put it short: She thinks/expresses that she's the victim (of my father's leaving, my "accusations", the society etc.) and that I'm the cruel, unforgiving and disturbed/crazy child who's unable to see the "truth", which she claims is her martyrdom to raise such a complicated, 'gay' and intolerant child. - Variations on this over four pages, that's all I got. - Again, what did I expect?
My favorite part? It's were she tells me that her beatings and actions never could be called 'abuse', because I could survive them without going to a hospital or psychiatry. That she wouldn't have harmed me enough to make it 'abusive'. - This still makes me speechless for too many reasons I don't feel like going into right now.
I will breath, meditate, talk with friends, enjoy the sun and the flowers of spring. I won't let her pull me down. No more. I guess I'll reply to that letter someday, but sure as hell, not too soon.
Thank you for your attention!
since I started it here, I'll continue. See this as a kind of follow-up on the post about the abusive relationship with my mother.
Since then I had conversations, read my way through books on the subject of how to deal with abusive parents (of which I can highly recommend "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward, Ph.D.) and wrote my mother a letter. This letter was my chosen form of confrontation about all these things in which I tried to communicate the effects her behaviors had and have on me. I didn't even ask her for apologies. All I wanted of her was to take back the resposibility for her life from my shoulders and to aknowledge the pain and wounds she caused me. I thought this wouldn't be too much. In a side note I added my good wishes for healing on her journey and recommented professional help to her to assist her in such.
Her first response was a three line letter in which she said how much I did hurt her by telling her my impressions and that she would seek professional help to deal with it. - As far as good I though, but - honostly - I should have known better.
In order to stay in touch and to stimulate some more response from her, I answered this three line thing with another letter in which I did let her know, that I was grateful she would seek out help, that I wished for her to find the support she needed and that I didn't bring up all these old issues because I didn't love her nor because I would claim she doesn't love me, but in order to cleanse this love from pain, guilt and shame in order for our relationship to grow healthy. I even aknowledged the changes in behaviour she did manage to make in the past in order to show her that it was about finishing things up and that things in the present would be way better once these cases were closed for good.
The answer to this letter actually was what one could call a proper letter. It came some days ago, but didn't read it before today. I wanted it to get the time and attention it deserved. I wanted the time for proper digestion on my part as well. Today, I didn't want to wait any longer. Maybe because I did get another greeting card from her in between that sounded promising.
Now that I read the letter, I wonder why I was almost convinced everything would turn out just fine. I could have known better.
It turns out, that my mother is (mostly) pulling the same strings as always. To put it short: She thinks/expresses that she's the victim (of my father's leaving, my "accusations", the society etc.) and that I'm the cruel, unforgiving and disturbed/crazy child who's unable to see the "truth", which she claims is her martyrdom to raise such a complicated, 'gay' and intolerant child. - Variations on this over four pages, that's all I got. - Again, what did I expect?
My favorite part? It's were she tells me that her beatings and actions never could be called 'abuse', because I could survive them without going to a hospital or psychiatry. That she wouldn't have harmed me enough to make it 'abusive'. - This still makes me speechless for too many reasons I don't feel like going into right now.
I will breath, meditate, talk with friends, enjoy the sun and the flowers of spring. I won't let her pull me down. No more. I guess I'll reply to that letter someday, but sure as hell, not too soon.
Thank you for your attention!