Abuse
Hey everyone!
This will be about my experiences with physical, emotional and psychic abuse through my mother. Just as a warning. For some reasons these things kept bubbling up since last friday and I need help in dealing with them. Right now, I need a ear that listens. After that, I'm open and grateful for all the thoughts and advise you have around this. - Here it goes:
I am opening up to the reality that I was abused - physically and emotionally - by my mother. When I was a child, especially after the divorce of my parents, when I was left alone with my mum - against my will, which was never asked for -, I got beaten by her. I was beaten, when something fall down by accident. I was beaten, when I left dirty dishes in the living room. I was beaten, when I was perky. Whenever we come to this topic nowadays, she still feels kind of justified that she did. She said I was disobedient and therefore needed to be punished. It was only once in the 15 years since the first beatings and the about 10 years since the last ones, that she did apologize for that without justifying her action in the same sentance, telling me that I had "asked for it". I did not.
At the same time when she was beating me and many years after that, I was used as her closest "friend", "partner", counselor and psychotherapist. All her troubles, she discussed with me. How much she hated my father, how little money we got, how much pain she felt, how attractive suicide would be to her and that only her children (me and my sister) would keep her alive - all was spoken to me. She would read all my letters first until I was 15 - some she did only pass along after a while. She told me as well, that my father would have been jealous of me since my birth and that partly would have caused the marriage to crumble. She didn't say that the divorce was my fault alone - but she kind of implied that I was part of the reason.
My parents got divorced when I was 8 and my sister 19 - at least this is when he moved out to live with his new girlfriend. My sister moved out shortly after him, thus I was left alone with my highly depressive mother. A mother who beat me and who did her best to drive me deeply into codependency.
I started a psychotherapy when I was 15 - after several panick attacks that included hyperventilation. When my mother threatened to start beating me again (and it felt as if she was threatening my very life) when I was 17, I moved out.
Things got better since then - at least on the outside. I forgave her, convinced myself that my mum did the best she could even when beating me, that I was over all this and that we could start fresh. Physically, she was no longer a threat. I even considered her to be one of my best friends over the last years. It is dawning to me over the last months - and the last days especially - however, that emotionally, she is still threatening me and that I still feel threatened. I have made enormous progress over the last years (and I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT!), but there are still these voices and even guilt. Voices and guilt that mostly keep me from fully commiting to my Passion, that keep me kind of encaged. Voices that kept me even from aknowledging how happy and satisfied I am with my life - because my happiness was always a threat to her depression. She didn't want me to be happy, she did want me to suffer for all the things my dad has done. She did want to punish him through me and to kill everything in me that was/is "just like your father". My mother forced me to take over the responsibility for her health, feelings and well-being to the exclusion of mine if necessary - and I am grateful that I finally have a word for all of this: "narcisstic abuse".
The weird thing is, despite the fact that my mother beat me and abused me emotionally in more than one way I never could call it "abuse". I never could admit to my Self that, yes, all these things my mother did to and with me were/are abusive. I never wanted to feel like a victim and as my mother still loves to remind me of: "Others had a way worse growing up." I know that this is true. I never needed to go to a hospital as a result of the beatings for example (for the better or the worse), but this doesn't make this whole relationship less abusive.
I know that many people who survived abuse of any sort like to call themselves "survivors". While I am a survivor, it is important to me that I was a victim. Calling my Self a Victim means: It was not my fault, that I was beaten. It means that I am not guilty. It means, that I do not have to feel guilty when I push my mother away when she still tries to abuse me emotionally and energetically. It means to no longer feel guilty for not being the "good son" and "perfect man" my mother wanted to project unto me and wanted to force me to become. From my own perspective, I turned out quiet beautiful.
I'm writing all of this, because I feel like I need to get the word out. I need to claim the words "abuse" and "victim" for myself and as desciptions of what has happened to me. I need to claim them to make sure to run for my life before I let my Self be victimized by her ever again.
That said, it feels quiet easier to run from a lover than to run from one's own mother. There are these questions: "How is she going to suvive without me? Isn't she too old to take care of herself? (she's 62, but doing fine) Shouldn't I just forgive her like a good Christian and forget what has happened? Couldn't I just ignore the little abuses that are still taking place that are masked as "the love of a mother" or "the needy old woman"? Is the situation still so bad? Couldn't I just ignore it and play the "good boy" to keep her happy?" All of these voices are rooted in feelings of guilt my mother (mostly) instilled within me - and I am sick of it. But what are my options? Is the only way to protect my health and love my Self to stop communication and exchange with her for at least a while? Or is there something else? I am open and grateful for suggestions and advise of any magickal, psychologic and mundane nature.
Thank you so much for being my holy Witness! Blessed be!
Love&Power
Gwydion
Note: I first intended to make this a "friends only" post, but since abuse and rape of any kind are too often kept secret and behind the veil of shame, guilt and fear, I decided othervise. We need to give ourselves a voice - all of us.
This will be about my experiences with physical, emotional and psychic abuse through my mother. Just as a warning. For some reasons these things kept bubbling up since last friday and I need help in dealing with them. Right now, I need a ear that listens. After that, I'm open and grateful for all the thoughts and advise you have around this. - Here it goes:
I am opening up to the reality that I was abused - physically and emotionally - by my mother. When I was a child, especially after the divorce of my parents, when I was left alone with my mum - against my will, which was never asked for -, I got beaten by her. I was beaten, when something fall down by accident. I was beaten, when I left dirty dishes in the living room. I was beaten, when I was perky. Whenever we come to this topic nowadays, she still feels kind of justified that she did. She said I was disobedient and therefore needed to be punished. It was only once in the 15 years since the first beatings and the about 10 years since the last ones, that she did apologize for that without justifying her action in the same sentance, telling me that I had "asked for it". I did not.
At the same time when she was beating me and many years after that, I was used as her closest "friend", "partner", counselor and psychotherapist. All her troubles, she discussed with me. How much she hated my father, how little money we got, how much pain she felt, how attractive suicide would be to her and that only her children (me and my sister) would keep her alive - all was spoken to me. She would read all my letters first until I was 15 - some she did only pass along after a while. She told me as well, that my father would have been jealous of me since my birth and that partly would have caused the marriage to crumble. She didn't say that the divorce was my fault alone - but she kind of implied that I was part of the reason.
My parents got divorced when I was 8 and my sister 19 - at least this is when he moved out to live with his new girlfriend. My sister moved out shortly after him, thus I was left alone with my highly depressive mother. A mother who beat me and who did her best to drive me deeply into codependency.
I started a psychotherapy when I was 15 - after several panick attacks that included hyperventilation. When my mother threatened to start beating me again (and it felt as if she was threatening my very life) when I was 17, I moved out.
Things got better since then - at least on the outside. I forgave her, convinced myself that my mum did the best she could even when beating me, that I was over all this and that we could start fresh. Physically, she was no longer a threat. I even considered her to be one of my best friends over the last years. It is dawning to me over the last months - and the last days especially - however, that emotionally, she is still threatening me and that I still feel threatened. I have made enormous progress over the last years (and I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT!), but there are still these voices and even guilt. Voices and guilt that mostly keep me from fully commiting to my Passion, that keep me kind of encaged. Voices that kept me even from aknowledging how happy and satisfied I am with my life - because my happiness was always a threat to her depression. She didn't want me to be happy, she did want me to suffer for all the things my dad has done. She did want to punish him through me and to kill everything in me that was/is "just like your father". My mother forced me to take over the responsibility for her health, feelings and well-being to the exclusion of mine if necessary - and I am grateful that I finally have a word for all of this: "narcisstic abuse".
The weird thing is, despite the fact that my mother beat me and abused me emotionally in more than one way I never could call it "abuse". I never could admit to my Self that, yes, all these things my mother did to and with me were/are abusive. I never wanted to feel like a victim and as my mother still loves to remind me of: "Others had a way worse growing up." I know that this is true. I never needed to go to a hospital as a result of the beatings for example (for the better or the worse), but this doesn't make this whole relationship less abusive.
I know that many people who survived abuse of any sort like to call themselves "survivors". While I am a survivor, it is important to me that I was a victim. Calling my Self a Victim means: It was not my fault, that I was beaten. It means that I am not guilty. It means, that I do not have to feel guilty when I push my mother away when she still tries to abuse me emotionally and energetically. It means to no longer feel guilty for not being the "good son" and "perfect man" my mother wanted to project unto me and wanted to force me to become. From my own perspective, I turned out quiet beautiful.
I'm writing all of this, because I feel like I need to get the word out. I need to claim the words "abuse" and "victim" for myself and as desciptions of what has happened to me. I need to claim them to make sure to run for my life before I let my Self be victimized by her ever again.
That said, it feels quiet easier to run from a lover than to run from one's own mother. There are these questions: "How is she going to suvive without me? Isn't she too old to take care of herself? (she's 62, but doing fine) Shouldn't I just forgive her like a good Christian and forget what has happened? Couldn't I just ignore the little abuses that are still taking place that are masked as "the love of a mother" or "the needy old woman"? Is the situation still so bad? Couldn't I just ignore it and play the "good boy" to keep her happy?" All of these voices are rooted in feelings of guilt my mother (mostly) instilled within me - and I am sick of it. But what are my options? Is the only way to protect my health and love my Self to stop communication and exchange with her for at least a while? Or is there something else? I am open and grateful for suggestions and advise of any magickal, psychologic and mundane nature.
Thank you so much for being my holy Witness! Blessed be!
Love&Power
Gwydion
Note: I first intended to make this a "friends only" post, but since abuse and rape of any kind are too often kept secret and behind the veil of shame, guilt and fear, I decided othervise. We need to give ourselves a voice - all of us.