Regret

[gwendally]

I don't feel the free-form anxiety that a couple of you mention, not really.  I mean, sometimes I do but I nail it down and then put procedures into place to address whatever my concern is.  The things I can't affect I try to "let go and let God".  Not my table.  Not every cross is mine to bear.  I can be heavily analytical and observe my emotions

Comments

[ford_prefect42]

The good news on this one is that we, and by we, I mean people, remember the successes of thoughtfulness, not the failures.

Think about your last 3 hard times. Think about how many people *didn't* do something nice for you. Now remember the 1 person in each of those that *did*. Which set of memories is sharper?

By thinking that you need to be thoughtful in *every* instance, you're setting the bar unrealistically high. You're a great person for doing that, but you needn't berate yourself for failing to live up to it. You've made a higher thoughtfulness bar than most people just by making the effort (even if the recipients never know that you've even thought about it).

[kayjayuu]

Nothing to add to this.

Other than it's quite possible that hanging on that solidly to regret could be a sign of perfectionism and thinking it's within your control to make people love you (subconsciously, of course). I've struggled with that my entire life. Letting go of the regret is hard but ultimately frees me up to actually do thoughtful things, instead of letting past mistakes trip up my present.

Guess I did have something to add after all.

[gwendally]

I don't remember *which* people didn't help, I just remember that people didn't help.

I want my aunt to get condolence notes. There is no reason to assume that other people will do it if I'm not doing it.

I presume I am responsible for making the world that I want to live in. So if I don't bring new neighbors a "welcome" gift, then I now live in a world where neighbors don't do that. I regret this.

[ssterikoff]

I often do things to set a good example for my children, and sometimes because I just enjoy doing things for others. There are times I haven't gotten around to sending thank you notes, condolences, ... I just try to make such a thing a priority next time.

Outreach at the moment is simple for me - I volunteer at the schools. In a few weeks, when the school year starts, I'll be at Franklin two mornings a week running the reading program (2nd year) and at Lincoln/Roosevelt helping in the library once a week (time/day to be decided). That said, I am a stay-at-home mom, and people have been very tolerant of my bringing Mimey along.

[ellisbell]

I do add these sorts of things to my formal to-do lists. It helps me with follow through.

[seidhr]

I make it a part of my to-do list if it's a tangible thing that needs doing. If it's not a tangible thing, then I think about the words that are most likely to help the person (not a/the solution to their problem but instead the words/things that may make them feel better about the problem) and say/do that.

It's a learned behavior, though, and like all learned behaviors takes practice and involves failure.