Notes on marriage - to pontificate at the children some day

[gwendally]

I was replying to someone else and got all preachy.  Never one to waste ostentatious windbaggery, I figured I capture it here.

Comments

[froggoddess]

Clearly it's better to be a published poet! :)

[gwendally]

In either case, clearly it's better to marry someone who agrees! :-)

Couldn't agree more

[9thmoon]

1. Check.
2. Check.
3. Eh... still sounding the depths, there, but so far, so good.
4. Check, check, check, asterisks, exclamation points, etc.
5. (Values) Check.
6. (Feeling the same about you) Check.

You missed a point, though.
7. He should not already be married to somebody else.

Re: Couldn't agree more

[gwendally]

Yeah, you could add "be available" in a lot of ways. Not geographically undesirable. Not in a coma. Not committed primarily to his mother. Whatever. That's a good point.

Re: Couldn't agree more

[jen_drake]

I think availability covers a lot of things. Some people aren't very emotionally available (not sharing feelings, being kind of closed off, etc). If you're not a person who can deal with that, it can cause a lot of problems.

A lot of it goes back to knowing yourself. If you don't know yourself very well, you probably shouldn't be getting married.

[9thmoon]

A sort of prerequisite to all of this, though, is that... both people have to know what they want, know who they are, before they can make this kind of committment. And it also means that you shouldn't marry anyone you haven't been sharing a bed with for at least a couple years.

People change, too.

[_luaineach]

I agree with this. More often than not, what I see happen negatively is NOT that "Too many people try to fit the guy/girl in front of them into the matrix" but that too many people try to fit THEMSELVES into the matrix. And more often "oh, you aren't what I thought I wanted" is because "I was completely wrong about what I thought I wanted".

I'm not a supporter of "marriage" in the first place, but since it is pretty much the only legally accepted civil union we have, it is my feeling that people shouldn't get married until close to 30 because of the above paragraph.

[9thmoon]

I agree completely. I don't think I was even human until I was about 26... you know, about the time I got divorced the first time. It took me years to know what I wanted. Legal marriage ain't it, but I'll do it for the benefits if I must. I already tried it twice, though, and it sucked.

[ellisbell]

I didn't get married until I was almost 32, and THANK GOODNESS...however, the cosmic joke here is that though we are not mature enough to choose the right partner until then, by that point your ovaries have started shriveling. This is my predicament. We weren't ready for children as a couple until last year, and now I might be too old. (Nothing's working yet, anyway.)

[admnaismith]

See? That there is the foundation. That's what me and The Redhead have that makes me glad to face growing old with her.

We argue about the details of the present, heatedly at times, but the foundation is solid.

[gwendally]

I'm glad. I think a marriage is a major piece of a life's structure that can support you during the work of life. I'm glad you have that.

[ellisbell]

I like number two. It made me laugh - and I DO have to remember that sometimes when I'm all "Wha-at?"

I think I got really, really lucky. I don't think it was possible to even fathom how compatible my husband and I are before we got married. I mean, I thought we definitely were, and the rest of your points were there with us, but the longer we are together, the more it blows my mind. I love him very much.

[ellisbell]

also, the sex thing - on my end - wasn't that amazing at first. I mean it was amazing in the OMG NEW kind of way, but I wasn't as hot for him as I had been with some other people in my life. But interestingly, the longer we are together and the closer we become, the better the sex is. And he even pointed out recently that he really loves how attracted he still is to me after almost 6 years together. And I realized how much I do really enjoy *%&$ing my husband. Bonus!

[ellisbell]

and...(she kept on going...) I think it's kinda important to "do it" even when you're not "in the mood", sometimes. I don't think I have ever gotten all the way through the act without eventually being "in the mood", and I know that it strengthens all forms of intimacy between us.

[_luaineach]

Yes, this, absolutely. So completely absolutely.