Notes on marriage - to pontificate at the children some day

[gwendally]

I was replying to someone else and got all preachy.  Never one to waste ostentatious windbaggery, I figured I capture it here.

Comments

[9thmoon]

A sort of prerequisite to all of this, though, is that... both people have to know what they want, know who they are, before they can make this kind of committment. And it also means that you shouldn't marry anyone you haven't been sharing a bed with for at least a couple years.

People change, too.

[_luaineach]

I agree with this. More often than not, what I see happen negatively is NOT that "Too many people try to fit the guy/girl in front of them into the matrix" but that too many people try to fit THEMSELVES into the matrix. And more often "oh, you aren't what I thought I wanted" is because "I was completely wrong about what I thought I wanted".

I'm not a supporter of "marriage" in the first place, but since it is pretty much the only legally accepted civil union we have, it is my feeling that people shouldn't get married until close to 30 because of the above paragraph.

[9thmoon]

I agree completely. I don't think I was even human until I was about 26... you know, about the time I got divorced the first time. It took me years to know what I wanted. Legal marriage ain't it, but I'll do it for the benefits if I must. I already tried it twice, though, and it sucked.

[ellisbell]

I didn't get married until I was almost 32, and THANK GOODNESS...however, the cosmic joke here is that though we are not mature enough to choose the right partner until then, by that point your ovaries have started shriveling. This is my predicament. We weren't ready for children as a couple until last year, and now I might be too old. (Nothing's working yet, anyway.)

[_luaineach]

::nods::

I had my son at 30 which was plenty early enough for me and not "late" by today's standards; but my best friend is 10 years (almost exactly) older than me and they got married the same year we did (28/38) so she had her first child at 40 (without issue). But they really pushed to have the second one, with fertility treatments (hormone shots) and all because 'nothing was working' for them at that point either. She did successfully and healthily have a whopping huge baby girl at age 42 and they are super fab kids. :)

[ellisbell]

Thanks for the encouragement! I know it happens all the time past 35, but right now it's hard to keep that in mind. I appreciate you sharing that story. I really don't want to go through shots, hormones, etc. So I am hoping it will happen in the next couple of years on its own.

[mehitabelmmoss]

I had mine at 41 and 45 with defrosted sperm so keep trying! It is a miracle anyone's sperm and eggs get together. see the NOVA on the Miracle of Life.

[allyphoe]

Where sharing a bed with means "living in the same geographical area, but not in the same household." Living with someone for a couple of years isn't significantly distinguishable from marriage, other than you don't get a party at the beginning and you have to do your own divorce rather than having a judge oversee it at the end.

If you oughtn't be getting married (for whatever reason), you probably oughtn't be tangling your financial and household arrangements with someone else.

[9thmoon]

Oh, I disagree. When you're living together, if things don't work out, you can... leave.

I'm not talking about sharing bank accounts, I'm talking about sharing "Not tonight, dear, I have a headache" and "What do you mean you won't have sex with me while I'm on my period?" and "Will you PLEASE stop leaving your dirty socks on the coffee table?"

[_luaineach]

Agreed.

[miss_manners]

I think not having done this is why looking back my marriage was 1 in 6 of those by the end. Not because we radically changed but because we had no form at all in the beginning.