Help? :X

[gweenmeanie]

So after having written an essay, filled out an application, and obtaining three letters of recommendation for my study abroad application, last week I was sent yet ANOTHER application, this time directed to Waseda University. Among other things I had to do, there was an essay in which I was to "Explain my academic objectives and the academic

Comments

[spiderpig]

I'm too zonked out to contribute anything constructive as of yet but when I read your (very nicely written) essay, I just thought, "hahaha.. I'd write something like 'First and foremost: I Love Japan'." which would just scare them off. >__>

There's something that irks me (not too much, but just this niggling thing) about the transitions between the paragraphs, especially when you jump from talking about art to "I intend to make many..."

But that's just probably me. >__>()

[gweenmeanie]

Can you make suggestions on how to fix that part? :X

I gave it a go.

[shiiniigamii]

I copied it into Word and edited it there. Do you want me to e-mail it to you or just copy it here?

Re: I gave it a go.

[gweenmeanie]

Jusr copy it hwere prease :3

Re: I gave it a go.

[shiiniigamii]

Er...here. Overall, I thought it was pretty good, but there were sections where it was worded awkwardly--not grammatically incorrect, but it still didn't sound quite right.

And if you're aiming for a proper essay format...well...I found it kind of lacking here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am an illustrator--a visual storyteller (nice phrase). It is my hope that my work will somehow be able to impact my audience both emotionally and philosophically (at the end of the sentence you sound confident that you can impact your audience-you didn’t say future audience, which means you’re sure you’ve got one now. But using somehow in the middle of the sentence sounds uncertain, so maybe you could exchange somehow for a more concrete word instead.). I was probably only three years of age when I first watched the Hayao Miyazaki film, Tenkuu no Shiro: Laputa, but even to this day I still marvel at the creativity and effort that was put into the production; the film is still one of my favorites. It is through Miyazaki's work, along with the creations of the

Re: I gave it a go.

[shiiniigamii]

However, I do not plan for my studies to be restricted to on-campus activities. Because it is from Japan where many of my most admired work (again-awkward sounding. You could try rephrasing it as “where much of the work I admire most” or something else.) originates, as an artist, I hope to absorb the drawing methods (techniques might sound better instead) that have developed from the culture and adapt them to (“for” might sound better here.) my own projects. Furthermore, I plan to obtain some valuable knowledge of the Japanese comics industry and possibly gain contact with the (“the” is not really necessary in this case) professionals in that field (be specific about which field), perhaps even find an opportunity to intern with a Japanese publishing house. Regardless, the chance to submerse myself (this is a good sounding phrase, too) in an entirely new culture and environment will provide me with ample inspiration to further improve my art. I have lived in a quiet suburban area for most of my life, where each day is as predictable

[tuolumne]

In the 3rd paragraph, you said: Because it is from Japan where many of my most admired work originates, as an artist...
This sounds awkward to me. I think it's a passive sentence? I suggest rewording it to:
Many of my most admired work originates from Japan, therefore as an artist...

The 4th paragraph, while written interestingly and informatively, seems almost like you're going off on a tangent for a second. I suggest perhaps merging the 4th and 5th paragraph. The 5th clearly states why you want that experience. Perhaps remove some of the finer details from the 4th, to keep it from being too lengthy.

Also, the 6th paragraph's opening sentence; I intend to make many acquaintances with the natives during my stay, the usage of "natives" seems odd to me. If I didn't know you were going to Japan, I'd think you were possibly going to some tribal island. Perhaps say "locals," instead.

But um, yeah! ^_^; Just my opinions, I guess. Great work, though! ^_^

[gweenmeanie]

Y-yeah, a lot of the essay is just fluff because I don't know how else to fill three pages XD. I'll see what I can do though! :D

And ::slaps head:: Of course! "Locals". I seriously couldn't think of a more appropriate term than "natives" at the time. _-_()()()

[anonymous]

While the art presented in comics is necessary for drawing a reader in, what keeps them coming back for more is their attachment to its story. In other words, the most crucial aspect to consider in the process of creating sequential art is its writing.
These sentences are fine, I just don't like the use of the word "its" in both of the sentences. Maybe replace them both with the word "the"?

You also spelled "anthropology" wrong in the last sentence of your essay. Sabashii covered the other aspects I found wrong, but other than those, I thought your essay was very well written. Well, everything except for the last paragraph, because it sounds strange when you cut it off like that. I'd give you a suggestion there, but I'm terrible at concluding essays.