[Songification - Can't Let You Go] In Too Deep [1/2]
Yama. Ohmiya. Junba (Implied). NC-17. Angst Angst Angst. Betaed by inaudible_d. Sho's POV of [Songification - Gimmick Game] Marks. Written in 50 Shades of Rainbow universe - can be treated as 'the-event-from-years-ago' for the series, but also can be read separately.
“You want to talk about us, right? I bet you want to ask what in the hell is going on between us. Well, that’s the answer. I’m in love with you.”
I've been drowning myself with wrong pretenses and soothing naivety that all of these - all the comfort and leaps in the heart and bothering guilt - were all just normal. But when I came up to the surface to look at the reality for a short glance, I realized that I'm already in love with him too deep. Too deep that it hurts. Too deep that I'd rather be drowning in the sea than facing the truth.
*******
Sho was Arashi's mother. He took care of the boy-men well and quietly gave the right amount of attention to each of them.
He knew very well the needs of his band mates; Jun needs to be warned when he's overdoing anything, Aiba needs proper amount of affection and a friend to talk to, Nino needs to be reminded about his unhealthy way of living, and Ohno.. well, Ohno needs to be supported in his leader role.
Sho was already an expert for gauging everyone's mood and responding to it accordingly. He's always the first one to notice if trouble was about to come and prevent it from happening.
But for this particular one, he really didn't see it coming. Or rather, he chose to dumbly turn closed eyes on it.
*******
“Sho kun,” Ohno called with a smirk on his face.
“Hm?” Sho turned his head slightly and slowed down his steps. He didn’t stop completely, he just let his leader caught him up.
“Where are you going?” Ohno was beaming. It was somehow rare since he’s the sleepy-faced of all.
“Don’t know. Get some ramen and go home, I guess,” Sho answered carelessly. He had his work done for the day.
“Then I’ll go with you. My treat,” Ohno grinned.
“What?” Sho snorted laughter, “What’s this? Are you bribing me or something?”
Ohno placed his elbow to Sho’s shoulder casually, “It’s ramen, Sho kun. Ramen.”
“After that give me a ride home, yeah?”
“What’s the occasion? You sounded fishy,” Sho laughed. He was amused by the sudden event. He didn’t intend to refuse, though. It sounded fun to him. But it’s so unusual that he had some suspicion on it.
“No occasion. I just want to spend some time with my dear Sho kun,” Ohno’s grin looked eternal at one point.
“And Nino?”
“Nah, don’t worry about Nino. Let’s not talk about him tonight, alright? He’s already comfy at home so come on, let’s go,” Ohno tugged Sho to move faster.
Sho just chuckled and proceeded to his car with Ohno attached to him in an unusually close manner. His brain was still working on figuring out what Ohno’s hidden intention was.
“By the way, I didn’t sound fishy. Smelled fishy more like it.”
Sho’s laughter blared and he forgot all his suspicion at once.
*******
Sho opened his door in one silent night and found Ohno stood there, looked tired and upset.
“Riida?” Sho said as Ohno made his way inside Sho’s apartment.
Ohno slumped to the couch. He was definitely agitated about something.
Sho closed the door and walked to the kitchen. He fetched a can of beer and came back to where Ohno was. He handed the beer and sat beside the sullen man.
Ohno opened the beer and sipped it. Some moment after, Ohno’s expression started to loosen up.
“Hard day at work, hm?” Sho asked.
“A crew pissed me off,” Ohno grumbled. He then shrugged and leaned back to the couch, “Or maybe I’m just tired. I don’t know.”
“Hm,” Sho gave an understanding hum. It didn’t explain why Ohno was there at his apartment, but he decided it’s best to not ask for the time being.
What’s wrong with him? Should I call Nino?
He reached for his cellphone, “I’ll call Nino, okay?”
“No,” Ohno grabbed Sho’s wrist, “Don’t. He can be an unbearable brat and really, I don’t want to face him like this and end up snapping at him.”
Sho turned his head to look at Ohno who looked back at him with frustrated eyes. For a slightest moment he felt the urge to hug the older and pat him on the back. But he held himself back, reminding himself that Ohno was Nino’s man.
Sho sighed. He put his cellphone back and took his book. He thought reading might make his mind went back on track.
“Fine, but you have to go home once you feel better, okay? Nino will kill me if you don’t go home.”
Ohno nodded. He whispered, “Thank you, Sho kun.”
He moved and placed his head on Sho’s lap, “Let me take a short nap, okay?”
Sho froze for a split second. He looked down to his lap, to Ohno’s face which was covered by his arm.
Sho denied that something was already changed in the depth of his heart.
*******
He didn’t know how it all started, but ever since that particular night, Sho and Ohno shared an unspoken agreement that they would run to each other every time they had something bothering them. He also didn’t know why they kept their meeting as a secret. It just felt wrong to talk freely about it. Or maybe just because it’s wrong. Period.
Sho also really didn’t know why he found so many things as bothersome lately. Maybe because he’s getting old. Or maybe because he just wanted to have more private time with Ohno.
He hoped that the first one was the truth, but a part of his heart knew it would be a lie.
There were also all the touches and the affectionate gestures. Sho didn’t know which was appropriate and which was not anymore. It started with a seemingly unintended touch of hands under the table, but it grew to lingering squeezes and comfortable leans on the shoulder. Sho would move away if he felt someone’s watching them, but in times when they were out of people’s sight, Sho would totally surrender to the touches.
Sho felt terrible about all of it. Sho felt like he’s a demon. But he always found an excuse to justify all of it.
We’re friends and friends do listen to each other’s problem. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong about it. And all of the gestures.. they were all innocent. Yeah..
But as much as he wanted to think about it as right deeds, he just couldn’t erase the fact that he kept it as a secret. Especially from Nino. And that’s enough proof that all of it was wrong.
So one day, he decided to do something about it. He decided to face it all. To talk it all.
He just couldn’t stand the idea of him hurting Nino in one or other ways.
He’s just that kind at heart.
“Toshi, I-,” Sho pulled Ohno’s hand and whispered secretively when they were about to go to their respective job location.
“I’ll be finish around midnight, pick me up, okay?” Ohno cut his words, “Sorry, Sho chan, I’m running late so I need to rush now. But I’ll be there for you.”
Ohno’s soft smile erased every worry at Sho’s being that moment. He exhaled, smiled, and nodded.
Ohno waved and walked away. He turned his head back for the last time to Sho and mouthed something.
Sho froze.
Was that ‘I love you’?
*******
Sho picked Ohno up that night. He made sure no one saw them leaving the location together. Sho started to drive without knowing the destination.
He started, “Toshi, I want to talk about.. uhm.. us.”
Ohno looked at him. He sighed. It was like he’s already expecting that, “Save that for later, Sho chan. Let’s go to your place first.”
“Uhm.. okay,” Sho answered and focused back to the road. He drove his car as fast as he could. There’s this lump in his heart that he needed to get off fast.
They kept shut through the journey. Not even one word was uttered.
Once they got to Sho’s apartment, Sho turned to Ohno and said again, “So.. about us-”
“Let me fix you a dinner first, okay? I don’t want to talk about it with empty stomach,” Ohno cut again. He walked to the kitchen like he owned the place.
“Just sit there and read your book or browse the web or anything, Sho chan. Don’t stare at me like that. I need to arrange my mind too,” Ohno sounded a little bit frustrated. He started to chop and saute.
Sho was dumbfounded but he did what he was told. He sat on the couch, waiting patiently with a hurricane in his heart.
He observed Ohno with the corner of his eyes. The focused face, the working hands, the slightly furrowed brows. He found all of it strangely calming and heart-wrenching at the same time.
Ohno moved to the dining table. He served the food. It was not much, but it’s enough for both of them.
“Come, Sho chan. Dinner’s ready.”
Sho walked slowly to the dining table and sat. He had no appetite at all.
“Eat, Sho chan. We’ll talk after this, I promise,” Ohno shoved the chopstick to Sho’s hand.
Sho had enough, “I don’t want to eat, Toshi, I want to talk. And it’s literally not the time to eat, it’s almost 2 AM, for God’s sake!”
“But you haven’t had your dinner yet. I know it. Now eat or we won’t have this conversation,” Ohno said with a calm yet fierce tone.
Sho looked away and shoved the bowl further from him, “I can’t. I don’t want to.”
“Then I’ll leave,” Ohno stood up and walked away.
Sho’s ego commanded him to stand on his ground and let Ohno leave him. But there’s something else that commanded him to do exactly the opposite. And that something else clearly won the fight.
“Fine!” Sho took his bowl and mumbled, “Itadakimasu.”
Ohno came back and smiled a bit.
They started to eat in silence. Not that it’s strange, but the silence was agonizing this time. Really agonizing.
Sho felt like he was strangled by something invisible. He was suffocated. Swallowing food became terribly hard for him.
Ohno finished his meal first. He put his bowl down and folded his arms on top the table. He cleared his throat and broke the silence, “I love you.”
Sho was almost choked. He stared at Ohno disbelievingly.
“You want to talk about us, right? I bet you want to ask what in the hell is going on between us. Well, that’s the answer. I’m in love with you.”
Sho put everything in his hand down to the table. He swallowed what’s left in his mouth. He felt betrayed. Like something that was forbidden to be stated was just declared so carelessly.
Ohno took Sho’s hands in his, “Look at me, Sho chan. Please.”
“Let me ask to you, you enjoy the time we’ve spent together, right? Please tell me you do, because it surely feels like you do.”
Sho wanted to snap a ‘no’ but he couldn’t. A squeezed feeling in his chest told him that the correct answer is a ‘yes’, but he couldn’t say it too.
“Do you hate me?” Ohno asked again.
“No, I don’t,” Sho answered this one without hesitation.
“Then, do you love me?”
“I’m straight,” Sho snapped anything he had in his mind, but it sounded not so true for him anymore.
Am I?
“No, you’re not. Don’t fool yourself.”
Sho pulled his hands from Ohno’s and jerked his head back, “Argh, Toshi. Please don’t do this.”
“You love me too, don’t you?” Ohno insisted. He walked to Sho’s side of the table and knelt before him, taking his hands once again, “I can feel it, Sho chan. We’re in love with each other. So that’s what’s going on between us.”
“But it’s wrong!” Sho yelled.
“Why?”
“Because you have Nino, you moron!” there, he realized that a sharp pain was tearing his heart as he spelled his best friend’s name.
“And..?”
Sho looked at Ohno disbelievingly, “’And..?’?! That’s why it’s wrong, Toshi! Come on, how can I love my best friend’s boyfriend, hm?! And Nino of all people!”
“It’s not like you’re taking me away from him. I love you and I love him. In different ways. The fact that I fall for you doesn’t change the fact that I love him so much.”
“What?!” Sho hissed. His head felt heavy. His life felt messed up to the point of no return.
Ohno raised his body and caught Sho in his warm hug, “I love you. That’s all you need to know.”
Sho wanted to free himself from Ohno but the embrace melted him. His whole body was longing for this very embrace. He took his defeat and surrendered.
Yeah. That’s right. I’m in love with you and I hate myself for that.
And at that precise time when Sho’s logic was already clouded and foggy, a ring tone heard.
Nino’s Niji.
“I’ll.. let him know about this so you know that I’m serious about this,” Ohno released his hug and pressed the green button.
Sho got panic beyond believe. He grabbed Ohno’s arm and shook his head frantically.
“Yeah, Kazu?” Ohno answered with his eyes were locked at Sho’s.
Sho mouthed ‘No’ repeatedly.
“Don't worry, I'm uhh.. I'm with Sho chan,” Ohno said lightly.
Sho cursed under his breath and practically begged to Ohno. He just needed to think about it thoroughly before anyone started the storm.
Ohno surrendered, “We're just chilling in the usual bar. He needs to loosen his tensed mind a bit.”
Sho exhaled a relieved sigh.
“Un.. sleep well, Kazu. I love you,” Ohno ended the call.
Sho’s heart cracked on the last sentence.
He’s Nino’s. He’s Nino’s.
Sho chanted the spell in his head and drew a deep breath, “We’re not going to do this. Go home, Toshi. Go home to Nino and let’s forget all this, okay?”
“No. You like it or not, I love you, Sho chan.”
“And you like it or not, it’s impossible, Toshi.”
Ohno placed both of his arms in each side of Sho’s shoulder, “Sho chan, Sho chan, look at me.”
Of course, Sho refused.
“Look at me straight to my eyes and say to me that you don’t love me, that you don’t want this. Then, I’ll leave you.”
Sho turned his head to meet Ohno’s eyes. He was about to do as he told, for a split second thinking that it was an easy task to accomplish.
But as soon as he saw the depth of Ohno’s eyes - the sincere and pleading gaze - he lost his ability to talk.
Saying that he didn’t love Ohno was hard.
Saying that he didn’t want any of this - whatever this was - was impossible.
“You love me, right? Right, Sho chan?” Ohno asked, begging.
Sho closed his eyes, turned his head away, and clicked his tongue. His face was wrenched terribly as he mumbled, “I hate myself.”
“That’s alright, I love you,” Ohno took Sho to his embrace again.
It felt terribly harrowing for Sho to see Ohno walked away to come back to his righteous lover that morning.
*******
The atmosphere inside the band was horrible after that. There’s an unspoken awkwardness between Sho, Ohno, and Nino and a boiling heat between Aiba and Jun. No one dared to bring the topic out, they just put their finest mask on and kept on working like they were designed to.
Sho was amazed by the way Nino did everything. The younger was acting like nothing was ever happened.
Does he know about me and Toshi? Did Toshi tell him?
Everything was killing Sho slowly. He had to giggle to Ohmiya’s usual silliness during the day while he’s clutching tight onto Ohno during most of the nights.
He felt wrong. He felt filthy. He felt like he was committing an unforgivable sin.
And maybe he really was.
On the nights when Ohno didn’t come to him, he would lie restlessly on his bed and ponder about it. About himself, about Ohno, about Nino, and about all the feelings that were raging between them.
The output was always the same - that what he did was absolutely wrong - but he couldn’t do anything about it. His heart just couldn’t let him.
Until one day, a phone call early in the morning while he was driving absentmindedly wrapped everything up for him.
“Sho kun,” the soft voice streamed to Sho’s ear, “How are you?”
Sho took several seconds to think about the answer. He was not fine, his sanity was in the brink of collapsing, but he gulped it down and smiled in an attempt to sound more convincing, “I’m fine, Mom.”
“Hm, really? Take care of your health, son.”
Sho chuckled, “Yeah, Mom. Don’t worry, I’m an adult now, I can take care of myself just fine.”
“Hey, son,” Sho’s mother sounded troubled, “Don’t you think it’s time for you to find a nice girl for yourself?”
Sho felt an invisible fist being thrown to his gut. He already had this exact conversation with his mom for a thousand times, but this time it felt like a sharp razor went down on his throat.
“I’m serious about this, son, find a girl that you could marry once you’re freed from the agency,” the voice was still soft but colored with hope this time, “I really hope you could lead a normal life after.. after this, son. I’d really like to have a daughter in law from you. And also, I would love to see my grandchildren.”
Sho had to pull over because he didn’t trust himself enough to continue driving.
“I’m not telling you to do it now. But at least before I die, I want to see you have a normal happy family. You hear me, son?”
Sho was trembling. A tear was formed in his left eye.
“Y- yeah, Mom.”
“Alright then, give my regards to your friends. Bye, Sho kun.”
“Bye, Mom.”
Sho grabbed his chest. It felt like a hole was being drilled there. A really deep, hollow, and empty hole.
He reached for his phone and typed a short message for Ohno.
‘We need to talk.’
*******
“Sho chan,” Ohno walked in to the greenroom and dropped his body right next to Sho. He leaned his head to Sho’s sloppy shoulder, knowing that no one should be there until another hour.
“Toshi, we need to talk,” Sho felt the bitterness in his tongue, “Let’s stop all this, please?”
Ohno inhaled and exhaled, but he didn’t leave Sho’s shoulder, “We’ve discussed this. Everything will be fine, Sho chan. Just fine.”
“We’re hurting Nino.”
“He doesn’t even know,” Ohno sighed, “But if you want him to know, I’ll let him know. I’ll make him understand, just like I made you understand.”
“That’s absurd.”
“I don’t mind absurdness as long as I can be with you,” he twisted his body and draped himself around Sho, his face hidden behind Sho’s neck.
“What about me? Do you think I don’t mind it? And Nino?! Do you think he doesn’t mind it too?! Hah?!” Sho exploded. He wriggled his shoulder to brush Ohno off of his body.
“Calm down, Sho chan,” Ohno said. He was as calm as a monk, “Calm down and let’s sort all the things to make us work, okay?”
Sho sighed. He threw the last weapon he had, “Listen, even though I want it, even though you want it but still,” he took another deep breath before continuing, “I can’t, Satoshi. You know my mom wants me to lead normal life once we’re old enough, and I can’t disappoint her. Again. You know that.”
Ohno was alerted. It looked like he finally sensed a real threat, “But you graduated. That’s enough, right?”
“No, it’s not enough. Come on, Satoshi. Be logical. This.. this whole thing.. you and me.. it’s all impossible. Besides..,” Sho knew he already said it countless times but he would still say it again because it’s the truth, “..there’s Nino. You love him, right?”
The immediate response from Ohno hurt Sho in a weird way, “Yes, I do. I love him so much. I thought I can’t love anyone but him. But I lo-”
“Good morning!” Nino’s voice made both Sho and Ohno froze in shock.
Sho slid away from Ohno, didn’t want Nino to see how close they were.
“Good morning, Nino,” he put his best newscaster face and greeted back. Knowing these two men for so long, he knew what would come after; a lovey dovey scene. He really didn’t have a heart to see it right then so he stood up, “I think it’s better to leave you guys alone, eh? It’s too early for me to witness your lovey dovey couple things.”
Sho’s heart skipped a massive beat when he felt Ohno grabbed his wrist, “Wait, Sho! I haven’t finished yet.”
Sho was sure he would burst in tears if he didn’t escape soon, “Hey, Nino’s here. Don’t you want to do morning cuddle or something?”
“No, Sho. Listen, I lo-”
Sho became pale but he rescued everything in time, “Satoshi!” he turned and stepped closer to Ohno with a betrayed face, “Don’t you dare.”
He resumed his walk outside and patted Nino’s shoulder briefly, “Don’t worry, we’re just discussing about our next concert and he’s being stupid.”
Yeah, he’s being stupid and I’m being a fool. Take your boyfriend back, Nino, I beg you.
*******
Sho had a whole day to prepare himself after leaving Ohno with Nino. He meditated, he rearranged his heart, he recalled every acting skill he had.
When Ohno cornered him that night, he finally could see the older in the eyes and chanted the two sentences swiftly, “I don’t love you. I don’t want this.”
The shock on Ohno’s face was real. The sadness was even more real.
“There, I’ve said it. Now leave me,” Sho said that but he’s the one who’s leaving instead.
He never knew a good wailing cry could be a better substitute for sleeping pills.
*******
Sho busied himself by being a steady shoulder for Aiba, a place for Aiba to run to when Aiba and Jun’s fight went overboard.
Actually, it helped Sho more than it helped Aiba. It gave Sho a reason to get away from Ohno’s piercing gaze, but Sho didn’t have enough brain attached to give Aiba a decent advice or consolation.
Day after day went by. Nothing was actually happened, everything went like usual, but what happened inside Sho’s heart was another story.
There was a hurricane. A storm. A typhoon. A tsunami.
At first, a shot of tequila could calm it down. Then, two shots. Then, he needed to drink as much as Aiba. Then, one night, he surpassed Aiba’s amount of alcohol even before the club was crowded.
“You’re a mess, Sho chan,” Aiba murmured, already a little bit tipsy too.
“Blame your leader,” Sho snapped. He turned his head to Aiba so fast that he lost his balance.
A man in the shadow moved fast enough to catch him from tumbling down.
“Yeah, blame me,” he whispered, “Come on, Sho chan, you’ve had enough alcohol for tonight.”
Sho froze. He wasn’t drunk enough to not know that it was Ohno, the one who had been clouding his mind heavily.
Aiba decided that it’s the right time to disappear.
“Leave me,” Sho spitted out.
“No. Come on, don’t make a scene. I’ll leave right after you’re home,” Ohno dragged him outside and to the cab. Even though Ohno was smaller, he was surely strong enough to overpower the slightly drunken Sho.
They were silent until they arrived to Sho’s apartment. Ohno supported Sho by his shoulder and brought him to the bed. He took Sho’s shoes off and covered him with a blanket.
He knelt beside the bed and brushed Sho’s hair softly, “I could see that you didn’t mean it when you said you don’t love me, Sho chan.”
Sho turned his head away, knew that the sight of Ohno being so gentle to him would break his defense into ashes.
“Stubborn as always, ne?” Ohno smiled, “Well, I’ll leave you now but you have to know, once I went through that door, everything between us would really be a history, Sho chan. Everything is up to you.”
Sho felt a pang in his heart but he stayed still.
A minute passed. Two minutes. Three minutes.
Sho’s tears were blurring his eyes when Ohno stood up.
“Well, then. Bye, Sho chan,” Ohno sounded sad and upset.
Ohno walked away so slowly, so painfully. Every step that Sho heard was bombing his sanity into dust.
By the time Ohno reached his room’s door, he knew it. He couldn’t let Ohno go.
Part 2 >>>
Finally! After almost two months!
This one is actually a one shot, believe me, I didn't intend it to be this.... long.
The second part will be posted later today. I promise you.
Thank you for reading, and comments are loooooooooooooved! <3
“You want to talk about us, right? I bet you want to ask what in the hell is going on between us. Well, that’s the answer. I’m in love with you.”
I've been drowning myself with wrong pretenses and soothing naivety that all of these - all the comfort and leaps in the heart and bothering guilt - were all just normal. But when I came up to the surface to look at the reality for a short glance, I realized that I'm already in love with him too deep. Too deep that it hurts. Too deep that I'd rather be drowning in the sea than facing the truth.
*******
Sho was Arashi's mother. He took care of the boy-men well and quietly gave the right amount of attention to each of them.
He knew very well the needs of his band mates; Jun needs to be warned when he's overdoing anything, Aiba needs proper amount of affection and a friend to talk to, Nino needs to be reminded about his unhealthy way of living, and Ohno.. well, Ohno needs to be supported in his leader role.
Sho was already an expert for gauging everyone's mood and responding to it accordingly. He's always the first one to notice if trouble was about to come and prevent it from happening.
But for this particular one, he really didn't see it coming. Or rather, he chose to dumbly turn closed eyes on it.
*******
“Sho kun,” Ohno called with a smirk on his face.
“Hm?” Sho turned his head slightly and slowed down his steps. He didn’t stop completely, he just let his leader caught him up.
“Where are you going?” Ohno was beaming. It was somehow rare since he’s the sleepy-faced of all.
“Don’t know. Get some ramen and go home, I guess,” Sho answered carelessly. He had his work done for the day.
“Then I’ll go with you. My treat,” Ohno grinned.
“What?” Sho snorted laughter, “What’s this? Are you bribing me or something?”
Ohno placed his elbow to Sho’s shoulder casually, “It’s ramen, Sho kun. Ramen.”
“After that give me a ride home, yeah?”
“What’s the occasion? You sounded fishy,” Sho laughed. He was amused by the sudden event. He didn’t intend to refuse, though. It sounded fun to him. But it’s so unusual that he had some suspicion on it.
“No occasion. I just want to spend some time with my dear Sho kun,” Ohno’s grin looked eternal at one point.
“And Nino?”
“Nah, don’t worry about Nino. Let’s not talk about him tonight, alright? He’s already comfy at home so come on, let’s go,” Ohno tugged Sho to move faster.
Sho just chuckled and proceeded to his car with Ohno attached to him in an unusually close manner. His brain was still working on figuring out what Ohno’s hidden intention was.
“By the way, I didn’t sound fishy. Smelled fishy more like it.”
Sho’s laughter blared and he forgot all his suspicion at once.
*******
Sho opened his door in one silent night and found Ohno stood there, looked tired and upset.
“Riida?” Sho said as Ohno made his way inside Sho’s apartment.
Ohno slumped to the couch. He was definitely agitated about something.
Sho closed the door and walked to the kitchen. He fetched a can of beer and came back to where Ohno was. He handed the beer and sat beside the sullen man.
Ohno opened the beer and sipped it. Some moment after, Ohno’s expression started to loosen up.
“Hard day at work, hm?” Sho asked.
“A crew pissed me off,” Ohno grumbled. He then shrugged and leaned back to the couch, “Or maybe I’m just tired. I don’t know.”
“Hm,” Sho gave an understanding hum. It didn’t explain why Ohno was there at his apartment, but he decided it’s best to not ask for the time being.
What’s wrong with him? Should I call Nino?
He reached for his cellphone, “I’ll call Nino, okay?”
“No,” Ohno grabbed Sho’s wrist, “Don’t. He can be an unbearable brat and really, I don’t want to face him like this and end up snapping at him.”
Sho turned his head to look at Ohno who looked back at him with frustrated eyes. For a slightest moment he felt the urge to hug the older and pat him on the back. But he held himself back, reminding himself that Ohno was Nino’s man.
Sho sighed. He put his cellphone back and took his book. He thought reading might make his mind went back on track.
“Fine, but you have to go home once you feel better, okay? Nino will kill me if you don’t go home.”
Ohno nodded. He whispered, “Thank you, Sho kun.”
He moved and placed his head on Sho’s lap, “Let me take a short nap, okay?”
Sho froze for a split second. He looked down to his lap, to Ohno’s face which was covered by his arm.
Sho denied that something was already changed in the depth of his heart.
*******
He didn’t know how it all started, but ever since that particular night, Sho and Ohno shared an unspoken agreement that they would run to each other every time they had something bothering them. He also didn’t know why they kept their meeting as a secret. It just felt wrong to talk freely about it. Or maybe just because it’s wrong. Period.
Sho also really didn’t know why he found so many things as bothersome lately. Maybe because he’s getting old. Or maybe because he just wanted to have more private time with Ohno.
He hoped that the first one was the truth, but a part of his heart knew it would be a lie.
There were also all the touches and the affectionate gestures. Sho didn’t know which was appropriate and which was not anymore. It started with a seemingly unintended touch of hands under the table, but it grew to lingering squeezes and comfortable leans on the shoulder. Sho would move away if he felt someone’s watching them, but in times when they were out of people’s sight, Sho would totally surrender to the touches.
Sho felt terrible about all of it. Sho felt like he’s a demon. But he always found an excuse to justify all of it.
We’re friends and friends do listen to each other’s problem. So there’s absolutely nothing wrong about it. And all of the gestures.. they were all innocent. Yeah..
But as much as he wanted to think about it as right deeds, he just couldn’t erase the fact that he kept it as a secret. Especially from Nino. And that’s enough proof that all of it was wrong.
So one day, he decided to do something about it. He decided to face it all. To talk it all.
He just couldn’t stand the idea of him hurting Nino in one or other ways.
He’s just that kind at heart.
“Toshi, I-,” Sho pulled Ohno’s hand and whispered secretively when they were about to go to their respective job location.
“I’ll be finish around midnight, pick me up, okay?” Ohno cut his words, “Sorry, Sho chan, I’m running late so I need to rush now. But I’ll be there for you.”
Ohno’s soft smile erased every worry at Sho’s being that moment. He exhaled, smiled, and nodded.
Ohno waved and walked away. He turned his head back for the last time to Sho and mouthed something.
Sho froze.
Was that ‘I love you’?
*******
Sho picked Ohno up that night. He made sure no one saw them leaving the location together. Sho started to drive without knowing the destination.
He started, “Toshi, I want to talk about.. uhm.. us.”
Ohno looked at him. He sighed. It was like he’s already expecting that, “Save that for later, Sho chan. Let’s go to your place first.”
“Uhm.. okay,” Sho answered and focused back to the road. He drove his car as fast as he could. There’s this lump in his heart that he needed to get off fast.
They kept shut through the journey. Not even one word was uttered.
Once they got to Sho’s apartment, Sho turned to Ohno and said again, “So.. about us-”
“Let me fix you a dinner first, okay? I don’t want to talk about it with empty stomach,” Ohno cut again. He walked to the kitchen like he owned the place.
“Just sit there and read your book or browse the web or anything, Sho chan. Don’t stare at me like that. I need to arrange my mind too,” Ohno sounded a little bit frustrated. He started to chop and saute.
Sho was dumbfounded but he did what he was told. He sat on the couch, waiting patiently with a hurricane in his heart.
He observed Ohno with the corner of his eyes. The focused face, the working hands, the slightly furrowed brows. He found all of it strangely calming and heart-wrenching at the same time.
Ohno moved to the dining table. He served the food. It was not much, but it’s enough for both of them.
“Come, Sho chan. Dinner’s ready.”
Sho walked slowly to the dining table and sat. He had no appetite at all.
“Eat, Sho chan. We’ll talk after this, I promise,” Ohno shoved the chopstick to Sho’s hand.
Sho had enough, “I don’t want to eat, Toshi, I want to talk. And it’s literally not the time to eat, it’s almost 2 AM, for God’s sake!”
“But you haven’t had your dinner yet. I know it. Now eat or we won’t have this conversation,” Ohno said with a calm yet fierce tone.
Sho looked away and shoved the bowl further from him, “I can’t. I don’t want to.”
“Then I’ll leave,” Ohno stood up and walked away.
Sho’s ego commanded him to stand on his ground and let Ohno leave him. But there’s something else that commanded him to do exactly the opposite. And that something else clearly won the fight.
“Fine!” Sho took his bowl and mumbled, “Itadakimasu.”
Ohno came back and smiled a bit.
They started to eat in silence. Not that it’s strange, but the silence was agonizing this time. Really agonizing.
Sho felt like he was strangled by something invisible. He was suffocated. Swallowing food became terribly hard for him.
Ohno finished his meal first. He put his bowl down and folded his arms on top the table. He cleared his throat and broke the silence, “I love you.”
Sho was almost choked. He stared at Ohno disbelievingly.
“You want to talk about us, right? I bet you want to ask what in the hell is going on between us. Well, that’s the answer. I’m in love with you.”
Sho put everything in his hand down to the table. He swallowed what’s left in his mouth. He felt betrayed. Like something that was forbidden to be stated was just declared so carelessly.
Ohno took Sho’s hands in his, “Look at me, Sho chan. Please.”
“Let me ask to you, you enjoy the time we’ve spent together, right? Please tell me you do, because it surely feels like you do.”
Sho wanted to snap a ‘no’ but he couldn’t. A squeezed feeling in his chest told him that the correct answer is a ‘yes’, but he couldn’t say it too.
“Do you hate me?” Ohno asked again.
“No, I don’t,” Sho answered this one without hesitation.
“Then, do you love me?”
“I’m straight,” Sho snapped anything he had in his mind, but it sounded not so true for him anymore.
Am I?
“No, you’re not. Don’t fool yourself.”
Sho pulled his hands from Ohno’s and jerked his head back, “Argh, Toshi. Please don’t do this.”
“You love me too, don’t you?” Ohno insisted. He walked to Sho’s side of the table and knelt before him, taking his hands once again, “I can feel it, Sho chan. We’re in love with each other. So that’s what’s going on between us.”
“But it’s wrong!” Sho yelled.
“Why?”
“Because you have Nino, you moron!” there, he realized that a sharp pain was tearing his heart as he spelled his best friend’s name.
“And..?”
Sho looked at Ohno disbelievingly, “’And..?’?! That’s why it’s wrong, Toshi! Come on, how can I love my best friend’s boyfriend, hm?! And Nino of all people!”
“It’s not like you’re taking me away from him. I love you and I love him. In different ways. The fact that I fall for you doesn’t change the fact that I love him so much.”
“What?!” Sho hissed. His head felt heavy. His life felt messed up to the point of no return.
Ohno raised his body and caught Sho in his warm hug, “I love you. That’s all you need to know.”
Sho wanted to free himself from Ohno but the embrace melted him. His whole body was longing for this very embrace. He took his defeat and surrendered.
Yeah. That’s right. I’m in love with you and I hate myself for that.
And at that precise time when Sho’s logic was already clouded and foggy, a ring tone heard.
Nino’s Niji.
“I’ll.. let him know about this so you know that I’m serious about this,” Ohno released his hug and pressed the green button.
Sho got panic beyond believe. He grabbed Ohno’s arm and shook his head frantically.
“Yeah, Kazu?” Ohno answered with his eyes were locked at Sho’s.
Sho mouthed ‘No’ repeatedly.
“Don't worry, I'm uhh.. I'm with Sho chan,” Ohno said lightly.
Sho cursed under his breath and practically begged to Ohno. He just needed to think about it thoroughly before anyone started the storm.
Ohno surrendered, “We're just chilling in the usual bar. He needs to loosen his tensed mind a bit.”
Sho exhaled a relieved sigh.
“Un.. sleep well, Kazu. I love you,” Ohno ended the call.
Sho’s heart cracked on the last sentence.
He’s Nino’s. He’s Nino’s.
Sho chanted the spell in his head and drew a deep breath, “We’re not going to do this. Go home, Toshi. Go home to Nino and let’s forget all this, okay?”
“No. You like it or not, I love you, Sho chan.”
“And you like it or not, it’s impossible, Toshi.”
Ohno placed both of his arms in each side of Sho’s shoulder, “Sho chan, Sho chan, look at me.”
Of course, Sho refused.
“Look at me straight to my eyes and say to me that you don’t love me, that you don’t want this. Then, I’ll leave you.”
Sho turned his head to meet Ohno’s eyes. He was about to do as he told, for a split second thinking that it was an easy task to accomplish.
But as soon as he saw the depth of Ohno’s eyes - the sincere and pleading gaze - he lost his ability to talk.
Saying that he didn’t love Ohno was hard.
Saying that he didn’t want any of this - whatever this was - was impossible.
“You love me, right? Right, Sho chan?” Ohno asked, begging.
Sho closed his eyes, turned his head away, and clicked his tongue. His face was wrenched terribly as he mumbled, “I hate myself.”
“That’s alright, I love you,” Ohno took Sho to his embrace again.
It felt terribly harrowing for Sho to see Ohno walked away to come back to his righteous lover that morning.
*******
The atmosphere inside the band was horrible after that. There’s an unspoken awkwardness between Sho, Ohno, and Nino and a boiling heat between Aiba and Jun. No one dared to bring the topic out, they just put their finest mask on and kept on working like they were designed to.
Sho was amazed by the way Nino did everything. The younger was acting like nothing was ever happened.
Does he know about me and Toshi? Did Toshi tell him?
Everything was killing Sho slowly. He had to giggle to Ohmiya’s usual silliness during the day while he’s clutching tight onto Ohno during most of the nights.
He felt wrong. He felt filthy. He felt like he was committing an unforgivable sin.
And maybe he really was.
On the nights when Ohno didn’t come to him, he would lie restlessly on his bed and ponder about it. About himself, about Ohno, about Nino, and about all the feelings that were raging between them.
The output was always the same - that what he did was absolutely wrong - but he couldn’t do anything about it. His heart just couldn’t let him.
Until one day, a phone call early in the morning while he was driving absentmindedly wrapped everything up for him.
“Sho kun,” the soft voice streamed to Sho’s ear, “How are you?”
Sho took several seconds to think about the answer. He was not fine, his sanity was in the brink of collapsing, but he gulped it down and smiled in an attempt to sound more convincing, “I’m fine, Mom.”
“Hm, really? Take care of your health, son.”
Sho chuckled, “Yeah, Mom. Don’t worry, I’m an adult now, I can take care of myself just fine.”
“Hey, son,” Sho’s mother sounded troubled, “Don’t you think it’s time for you to find a nice girl for yourself?”
Sho felt an invisible fist being thrown to his gut. He already had this exact conversation with his mom for a thousand times, but this time it felt like a sharp razor went down on his throat.
“I’m serious about this, son, find a girl that you could marry once you’re freed from the agency,” the voice was still soft but colored with hope this time, “I really hope you could lead a normal life after.. after this, son. I’d really like to have a daughter in law from you. And also, I would love to see my grandchildren.”
Sho had to pull over because he didn’t trust himself enough to continue driving.
“I’m not telling you to do it now. But at least before I die, I want to see you have a normal happy family. You hear me, son?”
Sho was trembling. A tear was formed in his left eye.
“Y- yeah, Mom.”
“Alright then, give my regards to your friends. Bye, Sho kun.”
“Bye, Mom.”
Sho grabbed his chest. It felt like a hole was being drilled there. A really deep, hollow, and empty hole.
He reached for his phone and typed a short message for Ohno.
‘We need to talk.’
*******
“Sho chan,” Ohno walked in to the greenroom and dropped his body right next to Sho. He leaned his head to Sho’s sloppy shoulder, knowing that no one should be there until another hour.
“Toshi, we need to talk,” Sho felt the bitterness in his tongue, “Let’s stop all this, please?”
Ohno inhaled and exhaled, but he didn’t leave Sho’s shoulder, “We’ve discussed this. Everything will be fine, Sho chan. Just fine.”
“We’re hurting Nino.”
“He doesn’t even know,” Ohno sighed, “But if you want him to know, I’ll let him know. I’ll make him understand, just like I made you understand.”
“That’s absurd.”
“I don’t mind absurdness as long as I can be with you,” he twisted his body and draped himself around Sho, his face hidden behind Sho’s neck.
“What about me? Do you think I don’t mind it? And Nino?! Do you think he doesn’t mind it too?! Hah?!” Sho exploded. He wriggled his shoulder to brush Ohno off of his body.
“Calm down, Sho chan,” Ohno said. He was as calm as a monk, “Calm down and let’s sort all the things to make us work, okay?”
Sho sighed. He threw the last weapon he had, “Listen, even though I want it, even though you want it but still,” he took another deep breath before continuing, “I can’t, Satoshi. You know my mom wants me to lead normal life once we’re old enough, and I can’t disappoint her. Again. You know that.”
Ohno was alerted. It looked like he finally sensed a real threat, “But you graduated. That’s enough, right?”
“No, it’s not enough. Come on, Satoshi. Be logical. This.. this whole thing.. you and me.. it’s all impossible. Besides..,” Sho knew he already said it countless times but he would still say it again because it’s the truth, “..there’s Nino. You love him, right?”
The immediate response from Ohno hurt Sho in a weird way, “Yes, I do. I love him so much. I thought I can’t love anyone but him. But I lo-”
“Good morning!” Nino’s voice made both Sho and Ohno froze in shock.
Sho slid away from Ohno, didn’t want Nino to see how close they were.
“Good morning, Nino,” he put his best newscaster face and greeted back. Knowing these two men for so long, he knew what would come after; a lovey dovey scene. He really didn’t have a heart to see it right then so he stood up, “I think it’s better to leave you guys alone, eh? It’s too early for me to witness your lovey dovey couple things.”
Sho’s heart skipped a massive beat when he felt Ohno grabbed his wrist, “Wait, Sho! I haven’t finished yet.”
Sho was sure he would burst in tears if he didn’t escape soon, “Hey, Nino’s here. Don’t you want to do morning cuddle or something?”
“No, Sho. Listen, I lo-”
Sho became pale but he rescued everything in time, “Satoshi!” he turned and stepped closer to Ohno with a betrayed face, “Don’t you dare.”
He resumed his walk outside and patted Nino’s shoulder briefly, “Don’t worry, we’re just discussing about our next concert and he’s being stupid.”
Yeah, he’s being stupid and I’m being a fool. Take your boyfriend back, Nino, I beg you.
*******
Sho had a whole day to prepare himself after leaving Ohno with Nino. He meditated, he rearranged his heart, he recalled every acting skill he had.
When Ohno cornered him that night, he finally could see the older in the eyes and chanted the two sentences swiftly, “I don’t love you. I don’t want this.”
The shock on Ohno’s face was real. The sadness was even more real.
“There, I’ve said it. Now leave me,” Sho said that but he’s the one who’s leaving instead.
He never knew a good wailing cry could be a better substitute for sleeping pills.
*******
Sho busied himself by being a steady shoulder for Aiba, a place for Aiba to run to when Aiba and Jun’s fight went overboard.
Actually, it helped Sho more than it helped Aiba. It gave Sho a reason to get away from Ohno’s piercing gaze, but Sho didn’t have enough brain attached to give Aiba a decent advice or consolation.
Day after day went by. Nothing was actually happened, everything went like usual, but what happened inside Sho’s heart was another story.
There was a hurricane. A storm. A typhoon. A tsunami.
At first, a shot of tequila could calm it down. Then, two shots. Then, he needed to drink as much as Aiba. Then, one night, he surpassed Aiba’s amount of alcohol even before the club was crowded.
“You’re a mess, Sho chan,” Aiba murmured, already a little bit tipsy too.
“Blame your leader,” Sho snapped. He turned his head to Aiba so fast that he lost his balance.
A man in the shadow moved fast enough to catch him from tumbling down.
“Yeah, blame me,” he whispered, “Come on, Sho chan, you’ve had enough alcohol for tonight.”
Sho froze. He wasn’t drunk enough to not know that it was Ohno, the one who had been clouding his mind heavily.
Aiba decided that it’s the right time to disappear.
“Leave me,” Sho spitted out.
“No. Come on, don’t make a scene. I’ll leave right after you’re home,” Ohno dragged him outside and to the cab. Even though Ohno was smaller, he was surely strong enough to overpower the slightly drunken Sho.
They were silent until they arrived to Sho’s apartment. Ohno supported Sho by his shoulder and brought him to the bed. He took Sho’s shoes off and covered him with a blanket.
He knelt beside the bed and brushed Sho’s hair softly, “I could see that you didn’t mean it when you said you don’t love me, Sho chan.”
Sho turned his head away, knew that the sight of Ohno being so gentle to him would break his defense into ashes.
“Stubborn as always, ne?” Ohno smiled, “Well, I’ll leave you now but you have to know, once I went through that door, everything between us would really be a history, Sho chan. Everything is up to you.”
Sho felt a pang in his heart but he stayed still.
A minute passed. Two minutes. Three minutes.
Sho’s tears were blurring his eyes when Ohno stood up.
“Well, then. Bye, Sho chan,” Ohno sounded sad and upset.
Ohno walked away so slowly, so painfully. Every step that Sho heard was bombing his sanity into dust.
By the time Ohno reached his room’s door, he knew it. He couldn’t let Ohno go.
Part 2 >>>
Finally! After almost two months!
This one is actually a one shot, believe me, I didn't intend it to be this.... long.
The second part will be posted later today. I promise you.
Thank you for reading, and comments are loooooooooooooved! <3