A Better Way to Fall in Love (Ch.2a/?) (College AU)
Title: A Better Way to Fall in Love (Ch.2a/?)(College AU)
Rating: NC-17 (PG-13 for this chapter)
Spoilers: 2x15
Word Count: 6,121
Warnings: College AU, language, graphic sex, drug use, underage drinking, triple angst, major Klaine, major Niff, Nick/Kurt, Blaine/Jeff, Kurt/Warbler(OC), cheating, frat boys, bromances
Summary: "Original Songs" never happened, and Kurt and Blaine didn't start dating until their freshman year of college when they were roommates. At the end of their freshman summer, Kurt did something he really regrets, and now it's sophomore year, and bad decisions are about to be made, mostly out of love. It's college, and sometimes, getting a blow job is way more important than studying.
Author's Notes: This is the third addition in the Great Romances of the 21st Century 'verse. Freshman year = GROT21C(59+K)/Summer before sophomore year = Summer Skin(34+K). You do not need to read Summer Skin to be able to read this (I wouldn't). If you want to skip right in and not read either story, here's a summary of both. (It's like SparkNotes!) Also, masterlist here!
star55 and teaboytoaliens beta this story and my life.
Chapter Summary: Nick doesn't think he can stop wanting to have sex with Kurt any time soon, so he makes a decision about what he thinks is for the best. (WARNING: Brace yourself for angst.)
Songs for this chapter:
"What's Free is Yours" by Pony Up! for Nick angsting
"It's Okay" by Land of Talk for Jeff in his dorm
Chapter 1
Kurt's walking from a class back to his dorm when he sees Nick coming from the opposite direction. He smiles and is about to keep walking, but then Nick's arm's around his and he decides to walk with him. "Where are we walking to?" Nick smiles, keeping in time with Kurt's steps.
Kurt first spies Nick's sexy scruff on his chin and jawline and then notices how nice his hair looks. Something's up. Nick never does his hair anymore. It's always under a backwards baseball cap with TKE written on it like only a douchebag would do. "Not to be rude, but why are you so happy?"
"Blaine's talking to me now. Sort of. And he didn't punch me last night."
"Why the hell not?" Why will he talk to you and not the boy that gives him orgasms the size of a million suns? Jesus.
"Because he was super high and just kept rubbing himself and telling me how much he loves me. And oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you any of that, but oh, well."
Kurt's decided that he's not going to confront Blaine about his new habits just yet. He still feels like he's more in the wrong than him with what he did with Nick, so he'll hold in his concerns until later. "You're a terrible ex-best friend."
They turn the corner, and Kurt sees one of his and Blaine's friends they made together last year. The girl gives him a curious look as she waves before walking passed him, smiling. She probably wonders why some random guy has his arm around Kurt and not Blaine. Nick's hand is a little low on his waist. Why doesn't Kurt feel like telling him to move his hand higher?
Nick shrugs at the last thing Kurt said. "Yeah, whatever. Jeff's my best friend."
Kurt sighs, deciding he's done trying to figure out what Nick's going to do about Jeff. You say you love him, and then you have sex with me, and then you tell me he needs to stay happy, but you spend all your time trying to touch me still. Make up your mind, so I can make up mine.
A few minutes in silence does them some good. Kurt takes the time to think about why Blaine's smoking, figuring it's all to do with their unstable relationship right now. They should really just break up, but Kurt's afraid to. He spent three years being strictly friends with Blaine before last year, and he can't give him up. He needs him.
"Who's Blaine getting high with?" he asks suddenly.
They get to the corner where they're supposed to part ways, and Nick just stops to stare at Kurt hesitantly for a minute. "Trevor, me, and some other guys. It was just last night, though."
Kurt rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, his messenger bag lifting up on his hip. He sighs when he sees Nick roll his eyes, too, and realizes that Nick doesn't want to hear his opinions on drugs right now. "...I just don't understand why you need to do them, but if you're going to, then I guess I'll just shut up about it."
Nick sighs and stops walking when Kurt takes his phone out to text Blaine just to see what he's doing tonight. "Look, I barely smoke. I don't really give a shit about weed. Trevor always has it, so sometimes it's just something to do. You should be more worried about me becoming an alcoholic, if anything. The guys at the frat drink absurd amounts... Blaine was hilarious though, you should have seen him--"
"Do you want to hang out tonight?" Kurt interrupts. His text back from Blaine was that he was hanging out with friends from his film class tonight. Kurt wants to not feel so lonely.
----
He comes over to the frat a little after 10 PM, getting let in by a random guy that knows Kurt as "Nick's fuck buddy". He doesn't want to know who all thinks that about him.
As he's walking up to Nick's room, he sees two blond haired girls talking outside of Trevor's room with Trevor. Kurt barely glances at them, thinking he knows perfectly well what's going to happen. He sees them leaning into the tall boy, staring up at him as he apparently says something that makes them both laugh. He's going to fuck them. What the hell? Gross.
"Have fun, love!" Kurt says sweetly, mocking Trevor from last week when Kurt had knocked on his door for a condom. Trevor just stares at him for a moment with a curious look before opening his door for the girls to come inside.
Kurt smirks proudly to himself as he knocks on Nick's door. Before he does, Trevor opens his door again to stick his head out. "It'd be better if you were here, love." It's his turn to smirk when Kurt just gives him a confused glare. He shuts the door as Nick opens his.
"Why the fuck is every guy in a frat a player?" He barges into Nick's room and sits down on the bed. It smells like Nick's cologne--a musky sea mixed with vanilla and what he wants to say is also pina colada. Interesting.
Nick smiles and comes over to the bed, lying down on top of the comforter and staring over at Kurt. "I'm not a player."
Seeing Nick lying on the bed makes Kurt feel tired, so he quietly lies down with him, putting his head under Nick's chin. "No, you're just Nick," he mumbles.
They don't have anything to talk about other than how miserable Kurt is not talking to Blaine, so they stick to a comfortable silence. After a few minutes of feeling Nick's chest lightly rise as he breathes slowly, Kurt feels less tired than he was moments before. He slides his hand down Nick's side, letting his hand rest on his thigh. Kurt's always liked touching Nick, even when he knows that touching Blaine feels better. It's more just the thought of actually being allowed to touch Nick that excites him. Nick doesn't know how he feels about this, but he lets Kurt's hand stay there.
"I'm tired," Nick says quietly, hinting to Kurt that he doesn't feel like doing anything sexual tonight. Really, he just misses Jeff, and if he doesn't feel the overwhelming urge to fuck Kurt senseless, then he knows he shouldn't be trying to make himself want to right now.
Kurt lets his hand slide off Nick's thigh and onto the bed. "I hate cuddling post-orgasm," he says suddenly, taking his head off Nick's chest and placing it on the pillow next to him instead.
Nick laughs and turns his head to stare at Kurt's hair pressing against the pillow. "Did you just come then?"
The younger boy smirks and hits Nick's chest lightly. "No, but I'm just saying."
Quietness continues, but Nick thinks they both are silently agreeing to take an hour nap before maybe waking back up around eleven or midnight to party with the rest of the frat. At times like this, he really misses Jeff. Misses everything he didn't pay attention to before.
Back in high school, when Nick would stay up all night at Jeff's house shooting zombies on Jeff's XBOX, he remembers waiting for Jeff to fall asleep in his bean bag chair so he could try to beat Jeff's high score on single player mode. Eventually, around 2 AM, Jeff's head would gently fall back and turn to the side. Nick would laugh quietly, seeing Jeff's soft hair fall in front of his eyes and his cheeks look fun to squish as he lightly pouted in his sleep. Thinking back on a memory like this, Nick's heart swells up, and he knows at the time that he should have been wanting to kiss Jeff or wanting to hold him instead of wanting to beat his freaking high score. Why did I screw up so hard?
He can't sleep now, looking over at Kurt just makes him wish light blond hair was lying on the pillow instead. Kurt may hate post-orgasm cuddles, but it's practically Jeff's favorite thing in the world. He misses Jeff's hair, his smile, his laugh, and his apologies he makes whenever he moans too loud still. He misses not having to miss him, because Jeff was always texting him to hang out in summer.
He really wishes now that he would have taken Jeff out on a date before they went back to school. All they did was have sex, swim, and drive around looking for something to do. Granted, Jeff could have asked him on a date this summer, but Nick has a feeling that it's his job to ask first. Jeff deserves more than just waiting for something good to happen.
Nick looks over at Kurt fast asleep, realizing that until Blaine comes around, this will be a nightly thing. He thinks back to soft blond hair and realizes what he has to do.
*Members, read this next part before you continue: Nick's Journal Entry*
~*~
It's a few days later, towards the end of September now, and Nick realizes he can't keep doing this. His daily routine is as follows: he goes back to his room after his classes end in the afternoon, does some homework, Skypes with Jeff, and then later in the night, he drinks and makes out with Kurt on his bed. Sometimes, Kurt will come over to just study, but they almost always end up taking some article of clothing off. Kurt doesn't care anymore, because Blaine's busy writing at coffee shops and hanging out with his film friends, and Kurt just wants some kind of familiarity. Nick is familiar.
Every time he sees Jeff over Skype, he's so close to telling him that he cheated, but he never can. He never can tell him. It would break Jeff's innocent, adorable heart. However, he can't keep doing this, he tells himself.
He's calling Jeff on a Wednesday night to tell him that he wants to come see him tomorrow. He has class at 3 PM, but if he starts driving towards Ohio State by 6 AM, then he can be there in two hours, and they'll get to be together for a little under five hours. It's worth it to Nick. He needs to tell him something in person.
He's driving up to the campus, almost forgetting what it looked like, since he's only been up here once. He needs help finding the dorm buildings, so he has no choice but to call Jeff to ask him how the hell to get to them.
Jeff sounds too nice over the phone. His voice is clear and has a sexy deepness to it that doesn't sound the same over Skype. This is going to kill him. "Ahh, you're almost here! I'm, like, about to piss myself!"
Nick tries to ignore Jeff's excitement and tells him what road he's driving on, asking where to go.
"Umm... just, hm. Here. Do you see the green building with the point on it?"
"Yes. It's straight ahead. Should I crash into it?"
Jeff bursts out laughing. "No! Absolutely not. Go left, and then turn right into the park thing. It's by the dorms. I'll meet you by the fountain, okay?"
"Okay." Nick hangs up and drives in dead silence to a parking lot near the fountain that he thinks Jeff was just talking about. He thinks he's here before Jeff, so he just turns the car off and continues to sit in silence for a few minutes.
You'll want to forgive me, I know you will. You'll wonder what you did wrong, and then if we ever have sex again, you'll do everything you think you can do to make it good for me. I don't want that, Jeff. So, I'm just going to make you hate me. It's the only way.
He knows he has to make up a list of things that are wrong, stuff that Jeff could fix, but he wants him to realize that he shouldn’t change at all for Nick, especially if none of the things are true.
His heart stops when he sees Jeff walking over to the fountain. He's wearing a brown hoodie and comfortable slim jeans that make his ass look good without even trying. He's not trying for Nick today. He looks great just in the clothes he would normally wear in the fall, and when he sees Nick's car, he starts jogging over to it. Please, please, stop. Oh my fucking god. No. Fuck. I hate you. Fuck everyone. Fuck. Me. Fucking shit. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck. Shit.
Nick gets out of his car slowly before walking the few feet over to Jeff, who's practically ran across the park to see him. Jeff immediately hugs him, and Nick has no choice but to bury his face into his brown hoodie, smelling nothing but Jeff. He pulls back, holding Jeff's hips tightly still. "You smell like pizza."
Jeff's eyes are smiling more than his mouth is when he grins, and Nick thinks that's just awful. "Yeah, David bought me and Adam pizza last night, because we finished practicing our first song together. Adam thinks he found another guitarist, because when I'm playing piano, we'll need a guy on guitar. Or a girl. Whichever we find. I put this hoodie over the pizza to keep myself warm last night. Adam likes sleeping with the window open, the jerk. Anyway, that's why I smell like pizza."
"You put your hoodie over the pizza to transfer the heat from the pizza to your hoodie?"
"Precisely, yes. It worked for about forty minutes." He laughs and bites his lip when Nick just keeps staring at him. "...If it makes you feel any better, I had an ice cream sandwich this morning."
Shut up.
"So, if I kiss you, I'll taste ice cream sandwiches?"
Jeff grins and nods quickly. Nick knows he's being asked to kiss him, and since this might be the last time, well...
He starts by caressing his cheek, feeling how soft his skin is under his thumb. The intense smile in Jeff's eyes turns to something more real. His look softens and he leans his face closer to Nick's, wanting to feel more of him. "I'm so happy to see you, Nicky. You have no idea. I'm really sorry I couldn't be there on your birthday," he says quietly.
Nick can't bring himself to even try to speak. He just nods and kisses him as soft as he's ever been capable of. He'll break, otherwise.
Jeff immediately melts into the kiss, and Nick's surprised when he feels Jeff's long fingers wrapping around his wrists to gently pull him away from the car. "Come on, I want you to see my new dorm..."
Don't have sex with him. If you love him, you'll just get this over with. If you love him...
Nick tells him to stop.
...let him go.
He says it before he can't. "Jeff--" I love you, I'm so sorry. I'm completely in love with you now. I'm so fucking sorry, please, please, hate me. "--I don't want to go out with you anymore."
Jeff stares at him for a moment before letting out a short laugh. "What?"
Nick takes a moment to not breathe, otherwise, he'll probably start crying. Act. Lie.
He shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets, looking away from him. "We don't have enough sex, you're too far away, your hair's just... I don't like it. You're too much of a friend. This isn't working out for me."
This time, Jeff replies a little softer, a lot more shaken up. "...What?" The realization is slowly hitting him; he can't believe it. All his plans for them today... Everything's... "Wait, why? Nick, I don't understand why you're doing this."
Nick's hands stay in his pockets. "I just, I've never felt that way about you. And I can't start now. I'm sorry, Jeff. I've tried, but I just..." just say it "...I like having sex with Kurt more, anyone more than you, really. He knows what I want. And even if it's just sex with him, I feel more for him. I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you anymore."
He's expecting Jeff to cry, but he doesn't. He doesn't even look at him when he speaks. Jeff just balls his fist in his pockets, looking down at the gravel in the parking lot. "...Thanks for being honest with me."
"Is that all you want to say to me?"
Jeff doesn't move. When he does, he raises his head up from the ground, and now, Nick can see that his eyes are shining. He's not crying, but he is. His hands are still in his hoodie, but Nick can almost see them shaking. Jeff talks so quietly, his voice takes on a raspier tone. "...Are we still friends?" He breathes out a lot of air quietly, trying desperately to calm his nerves. He needs to stop shaking. This is embarrassing. Nick just gave him the truth, told him what he's always wanted to hear. He should be acting less awkward, right?
"I don't know, do you still want to be?" Nick asks quietly, deciding not all his words have to be mean and hateful. He's already done the damage.
Jeff nods quickly, looking at him and smiling. "Um, yeah. Is that all right?" He bites his lip and swallows whatever lump he has in his throat.
No, Jeff, no. This isn't right. Why are you pretending to not be hurt?
Nick bites his lip, his hand reaching for his door handle. "Yeah, that's cool. Are you sure you're okay?"
Jeff nods and smiles again, looking away for a second to blink away whatever he might have got in his eye... "Yeah, I'll be fine. But um--" he thinks for a minute of what he wants to say. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"...I was trying to like you."
Jeff nods quickly again and looks down. "Right. Okay, sorry. Just wondering." He bites his lip and smiles. His mind's looking for a quick way to protect him. "So, um, you're here... Did you want to go see David or anything? I'm sure he'll want to see you..."
No, he won't. He's going to drop kick me in the face when he finds out.
"That's okay, um, I should actually be going. I forgot I have a paper to write."
Jeff nods his understanding and steps away from the car. "All right. Well, um, I'll maybe come up in a few weeks. Thanks for coming."
Nick stares at him, his heart officially numb. "Yeah, it was no problem. I wanted to see you." He opens the door, turning to look at Jeff one last time before he gets in. Finally, he sees nothing but the truth on Jeff's face. Nick can't handle the truth.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks, and Nick can see his chest rising and caving in from how hard he's breathing now. This is what the human body looks like when it's breaking.
Nick shuts the door and walks up to him. "Jeff... Please, don't..."
Jeff's feet are locked in place on the gravel, his hands down by his sides. The only part of him he can move is his head, and when Nick comes over to him, he turns his head down towards the ground. "I-I'm s-sorry."
Nick has to hug him now. He can't leave him like this. He brings Jeff close to him, and all he feels is Jeff shaking. The blond boy doesn't do anything as he holds him. "Jeff, no, I'm sorry... It's not your fault. Please, don't cry..."
Jeff shakes his head furiously and pulls back from him, finally looking at him. His cheeks are red and puffy, and wiping at his face doesn't really help much. "No, no, don't--I know what I did. I shouldn't have pushed you. I-I remember, even when I told you in the choir room at Dalton that I liked you, you just started being nicer to me after that." He shakes his head, his bottom lip starting to quiver. "It changed our friendship, and I ruined it, and I'm sorry. I s-shouldn't have ever told you, a-and then you could have been with Kurt sooner... You could have been happy, Nick." He starts crying harder, realizing how selfish he's been in trying to get Nick to like him back. He leans into himself, not being able to stand up straight anymore. "I-I'm sorry. I make your life so complicated, don't I? Nick, I'm so, so sorry..." Crying harder. "Fuck..."
Nick was already stuck in place, but after hearing Jeff say 'fuck' for the first time, he is beyond knowing what to do. What did I just do? He can't take it back now. After you break, you'll move on and be better without me. See what I put you through? You don't deserve to have all this hidden.
He sighs deeply. "...Jeff, maybe it's better if we don't see each other for a while. You need to get over me. This isn't good." Fuck, why can't I say the right thing? Why, why, why?
Jeff doesn't do anything but put his hood over his head and turn around, heading back towards his dorm. He doesn't care who sees him crying.
Nick stares after him, wanting to run up to him and apologize over and over again, but instead, he just gets in his car and starts driving off. He doesn't dare look in his rear view mirror for him.
----
He makes it back to school in one piece, keeping the music off in the car, because his thoughts are already doing a good enough job of distracting him while driving. If he had enough sense, he'd still turn back to make everything better, but no, he thinks. Nothing can be made better. Nothing will ever be better. Life is meaningless and should be fucked sideways.
To his surprise, when he's making it back to the frat house, Blaine is waiting for him on the steps. He's finally not wearing his gray pea coat, but he looks pissed and ready to charge. Nick is ready to burst, so maybe, he can take Blaine out in the explosion.
Nick doesn't even get twenty feet towards the steps to the frat before Blaine is walking quickly towards him. "Nick! What the fuck?! Kurt just told me that you went up to State to see Jeff this morning. What did you do? It says he's single on Facebook now! What the fuck did you say?"
He sees that Blaine's face is angry, but he doesn't see Blaine. He just sees someone standing in his way from marching up to his room and crying for all eternity. Blaine needs to move. He tries the calm approach first, because Nick Owens is not one to show his vulnerability so easily. "Not now, Blaine. You can hate me for the rest of your life in a couple hours, just not now, okay?" He moves passed him and walks up the stairs. Blaine follows him, and no one is around to stop him from following Nick up to his room.
"What'd you do? Did you tell him you're a fucking cheater?" Blaine glares at that back of Nick's head as they keep walking up.
Nick doesn't care what he's saying, as long as he can escape the world by lying down any second now, he'll be fine (as fine as 'fine' can mean). He goes in his room and sits down on the bed, staring over at his laptop to wonder if he should change his Facebook right now. He can't yet.
"Nick..."
Blaine always did have a little genius hidden inside of him. "...You broke up with him, didn't you?"
Nick looks over at his pillow like it'd be a good idea to bury his face in it, but he decides to not move since Blaine's here. He is not crying in front of anyone, especially Blaine fucking Anderson.
Standing by the door, Blaine patiently waits for Nick to say something. He watches him just sit there with an intense blank expression on his face. He doesn't want to comfort him, because Nick did bring this all on himself, but maybe, just maybe...
"He was so happy to see me," Nick says suddenly. "He was sobbing when I left, Blaine."
Blaine feels his anger building up, but he waits to hear what Nick's going to say first.
His voice gets softer, and Blaine thinks he's hearing Nick being genuine for the first time in months. It's shocking, it's comforting, and it's... something. "...I know that I hurt your feelings; I went against our friendship to sleep with Kurt, but I just... Blaine, I'm sorry, but there are still times that I really want Kurt, and if he wants me too in those moments, I can't help it..." He sighs shakily. "I didn't tell Jeff I cheated, not really. He wouldn't--"
This is the first time Blaine's ever heard Nick get choked up. He wants to hate him, wants to tell him "yes, it was all your fault", but he can't. Not when Nick starts crying, grasping his hair so hard that Blaine thinks he might rip it out.
Blaine doesn't think before he's already sitting down on Nick's bed, wrapping his arms around him and holding Nick's head close to his chest. Sometimes, forgiveness happens when you don't mean it to.
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most."
"--he would have said it was okay... It's not okay, Blaine, it's not. It's not, it's not, it's not. I screwed up, and I blamed him for it, anyway. I want him to hate me, Blaine. Don't let him see me again; don't let me go to him, please." He feels Nick's hand grasp for his sleeve, and he feels his shirt getting wet with Nick's tears, but it's not what he's concentrating on right now. Someone he really cares about is hurting, and that's all that Blaine feels, too.
Blaine's seen Nick laugh at someone getting hurt, he's seen him look annoyed at everyone and everything. He's seen him looking miserable, but he's never seen him like this. To be honest, Blaine's not sure he's ever seen anyone act like this other than himself. The only time Blaine's cried like this is when he realized that it'd take, that it'll still take, a long time for him to trust Kurt again. How difficult it is to cry out any and all emotions so you can feel numb to survive.
"Why are you even here? Everyone should be with him, or at least plotting a painful way to kill me..."
Nick brings his head off Blaine and chooses to sit up straight while staring at the floor. He silently apologizes for collapsing into him, and Blaine silently agrees to never bring it up again so Nick can keep his douchebag reputation intact. "Jeff has David and Adam though, right? He'll be fine."
Nick shrugs and wipes his eyes one more time without making much noise. "He just deserves more. There's no saying that I won't stop trying to do things with Kurt, and he just... He doesn't need someone like me."
"Can you at least try to act like you're not going to try fucking my boyfriend again?"
Nick laughs slightly, despite his current mood. A good way to calm down is to turn your thoughts elsewhere. "You're still 'together'? Come on, you don't even talk to him anymore."
"You're right. ...I don't know. I guess we just didn't make it official. I don't feel like bringing it up, though. I don't need Facebook to tell me how I feel about someone. He should know I don't trust him anymore. Hell, I don't even know why I'm here."
"You were going to yell at me, but then you felt sorry for me, so you held me in your arms until I stopped crying like a good boyfriend should."
Blaine smirks slightly and nods. "Yeah." Okay, now I hate you again. "Well, I guess we're all single now. ...You're still on my shit list until you stop pointing your dick at Kurt, though. I know it's his fault, too, but I'm just not going to talk to either of you until you're done with that. I can't handle it, honestly."
Nick turns to look at him. "What if I stopped sleeping with him and just liked him anyway? Would you forgive him at least?"
Blaine shakes his head. "No. I'm going to do what you're doing with Jeff and say it's better if we're apart for now. Don't tell him I miss him, okay? I'm sure you can keep that one to yourself."
Nick nods, leaning back on his bed. "Yeah, I won't tell him, don't worry. If he knew, he'd probably stop sleeping with me, so..."
Blaine stands up and goes over to the door, ignoring that last part. He turns to look at Nick as he opens the door. "...I'm not going to tell you what to do about Jeff, because I think what you did is probably the best thing you could do. It's a new year for all of us that way. ...I think there's secretly a nice guy under you, Nick."
Nick smirks. "Yeah, it's usually Kurt nowadays."
Blaine gives him a look before he starts walking out into the hall. Nick calls out to him before he shuts the door completely. "Blaine! What are you doing tonight?"
"Not hanging out with you, Nick! I told you!"
"Dammit," Nick mumbles. I wonder how Jeff's doing.
~*~
Jeff calmed down about an hour after Nick left, and by calming down, he just stopped crying. He wanted to change his Facebook status before Nick changed his, because having to change his status to 'single' after Nick seemed a lot more heart-breaking at the time. Now, he'll just never sign on again to know if Nick's dating Kurt or something. He doesn't want to know.
So, that was it? Nick came all this way to break up with him because they weren't going to be able to have sex every day? Jeff knows that can't be the only reason, and if it was, then hell, why did he waste the gas? I'm in love with you, why did you have to do that?
Luckily, Jeff's roommate, Adam, hadn't left for class yet when Jeff got back to the dorm in a mess. Adam's skipping his morning classes to comfort him, and as far as Jeff's concerned, he's not leaving the room for at least another week.
"He said... He said he hates having sex with me, Adam. I feel so repulsive and disgusting..." Jeff's buried himself under the blankets, and Adam's sitting on Jeff's bed, staring down at him. "...I knew he was going to tell me, he tried to before his birthday, but I was just being stupid and depressed. And then I was being dumb and skanky... We had sex in the grass without a condom."
"You what? Jeff, sweetie, why'd you do that?"
Jeff shrugs, lifting his hand out of the blankets to reach over his nightstand for a tissue. "I don't know... I told him I didn't want to ever have sex with anyone else. And that's the fucking truth, and he doesn't get it. He doesn't want to have sex with me. He doesn't want me anymore. ...I don't know what made me think I could ever be with him. He really is perfect." He gets choked up on the word 'perfect', thinking about everything to do with Nick that he's not allowed to be a part of anymore.
Adam was a Warbler back at Dalton with Nick and Jeff. He and Jeff didn't become really good friends until their senior year (when Nick wasn't around for Jeff to stare at), but Adam knows Jeff pretty well by now. He's probably the only person right now besides Jeff's older brother that would tell him to man up at a time like this. "No, he is not perfect. God, no. ...I beat him in Brawl like seven times. I don't even like video games. Therefore, not perfect. He is flawed."
Jeff smiles despite his red eyes and stuffy nose, picturing Nick failing at playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl. "...You're right. He does suck at video games, but he's--"
Adam covers Jeff's mouth with his hand quickly. "No. Sure, Nick's cute as cauliflower, but he broke your heart, so I do not want you to say anything good about him right now. That clear? Wait 'til I tell David... We're gonna go all Warbler on his ass."
Jeff sticks his tongue out to lick Adam's hand to make him move it. He sits up in the bed and leans his head on the other boy's shoulder. "No violence... He's already seen me cry like an idiot, I don't want him to hate me even more." He turns his head to look out the window, seeing that it's started raining. Wonderful for my mood. "...I just don't understand why he dated me when he didn't want to be with me. What if he was cheating the whole time and just didn't want to hurt my feelings?" He sighs. "I'm so stupid."
"Jeff, you're not stupid, you just really like him..."
He turns his head from the window and glares softly at Adam. "I don't like him, I love him; he's just too stupid to realize--I mean, no, he's not stupid." He sighs again. "...He's really smart, way smarter than me, but--"
The bright blue eyed boy decides to keep interrupting him. "No, he's stupid. If he doesn't realize how awesome you are, then he's dumb as daffodils, Jeff."
Jeff blushes, getting frustrated even more. "Will you stop with the flower names? ...I don't even understand what you're doing. Stop it."
"I'm trying to get you angry so you'll be mad at him. It's part of the grieving process."
"Is that a new method you learned in psych? Well, it's working."
Adam punches Jeff's shoulder lightly, but hard enough to make the blonde boy shove him back. "STOP. I get it, gosh. ...Just give me a minute. It's only been an hour, and I'm--" he cuts himself off when he sees a shirt on the ground, the same shirt he wore the night he lost his virginity to Nick.
Why did Nick take it from him when he obviously still liked Kurt? He wasn't caring about Jeff that night, and now, Jeff thinks being drunk wasn't an all too good excuse for causing your best friend to fall even further for you by sleeping with him and being sweet.
Really, why does he love Nick so much? All he does is--Okay, no, you do love him. He's your dream guy; you're just feeling a lot of things right now. Just don't think about him.
Even though he's only been single for over an hour, he's had enough time to cry. In fact, he doesn't even think he should have cried. Nick just told him his true feelings--he doesn't want him anymore--so why feel worse about it? The worst has already happened. I'll just never fall in love again.
He realizes he may have forgotten a few things while dating Nick. For example, he's forgotten what it means to not be worried all the time. He was always worried that Nick liked Kurt more and that he would say or do something wrong to annoy Nick. But now? He realizes that maybe that wasn't the healthiest way to go about loving someone. You can't really love someone that you don't think you deserve. You have to love yourself first.
"...You know, not everyone's going to like me."
Adam looks at him curiously as Jeff continues his realization. "...It doesn't matter how nice or how nice looking I am. Sometimes, people just won't like me. Not everyone can like you--not everyone, not Nick. ...He doesn't love me. He doesn't respect me." He shrugs. "I'm done."
"You don't sound done."
Jeff scoots to the edge of the bed, his eyes almost completely dry. "...Where's my guitar? We're going to learn a song; this band is starting now. ...And then I'm going to call my mom."
Chapter 2b
----
If you have any questions, concerns, or suggestions, feel free to ask me on here or on Tumblr.
Rating: NC-17 (PG-13 for this chapter)
Spoilers: 2x15
Word Count: 6,121
Warnings: College AU, language, graphic sex, drug use, underage drinking, triple angst, major Klaine, major Niff, Nick/Kurt, Blaine/Jeff, Kurt/Warbler(OC), cheating, frat boys, bromances
Summary: "Original Songs" never happened, and Kurt and Blaine didn't start dating until their freshman year of college when they were roommates. At the end of their freshman summer, Kurt did something he really regrets, and now it's sophomore year, and bad decisions are about to be made, mostly out of love. It's college, and sometimes, getting a blow job is way more important than studying.
Author's Notes: This is the third addition in the Great Romances of the 21st Century 'verse. Freshman year = GROT21C(59+K)/Summer before sophomore year = Summer Skin(34+K). You do not need to read Summer Skin to be able to read this (I wouldn't). If you want to skip right in and not read either story, here's a summary of both. (It's like SparkNotes!) Also, masterlist here!
star55 and teaboytoaliens beta this story and my life.
Chapter Summary: Nick doesn't think he can stop wanting to have sex with Kurt any time soon, so he makes a decision about what he thinks is for the best. (WARNING: Brace yourself for angst.)
Songs for this chapter:
"What's Free is Yours" by Pony Up! for Nick angsting
"It's Okay" by Land of Talk for Jeff in his dorm
Chapter 1
Kurt's walking from a class back to his dorm when he sees Nick coming from the opposite direction. He smiles and is about to keep walking, but then Nick's arm's around his and he decides to walk with him. "Where are we walking to?" Nick smiles, keeping in time with Kurt's steps.
Kurt first spies Nick's sexy scruff on his chin and jawline and then notices how nice his hair looks. Something's up. Nick never does his hair anymore. It's always under a backwards baseball cap with TKE written on it like only a douchebag would do. "Not to be rude, but why are you so happy?"
"Blaine's talking to me now. Sort of. And he didn't punch me last night."
"Why the hell not?" Why will he talk to you and not the boy that gives him orgasms the size of a million suns? Jesus.
"Because he was super high and just kept rubbing himself and telling me how much he loves me. And oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you any of that, but oh, well."
Kurt's decided that he's not going to confront Blaine about his new habits just yet. He still feels like he's more in the wrong than him with what he did with Nick, so he'll hold in his concerns until later. "You're a terrible ex-best friend."
They turn the corner, and Kurt sees one of his and Blaine's friends they made together last year. The girl gives him a curious look as she waves before walking passed him, smiling. She probably wonders why some random guy has his arm around Kurt and not Blaine. Nick's hand is a little low on his waist. Why doesn't Kurt feel like telling him to move his hand higher?
Nick shrugs at the last thing Kurt said. "Yeah, whatever. Jeff's my best friend."
Kurt sighs, deciding he's done trying to figure out what Nick's going to do about Jeff. You say you love him, and then you have sex with me, and then you tell me he needs to stay happy, but you spend all your time trying to touch me still. Make up your mind, so I can make up mine.
A few minutes in silence does them some good. Kurt takes the time to think about why Blaine's smoking, figuring it's all to do with their unstable relationship right now. They should really just break up, but Kurt's afraid to. He spent three years being strictly friends with Blaine before last year, and he can't give him up. He needs him.
"Who's Blaine getting high with?" he asks suddenly.
They get to the corner where they're supposed to part ways, and Nick just stops to stare at Kurt hesitantly for a minute. "Trevor, me, and some other guys. It was just last night, though."
Kurt rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, his messenger bag lifting up on his hip. He sighs when he sees Nick roll his eyes, too, and realizes that Nick doesn't want to hear his opinions on drugs right now. "...I just don't understand why you need to do them, but if you're going to, then I guess I'll just shut up about it."
Nick sighs and stops walking when Kurt takes his phone out to text Blaine just to see what he's doing tonight. "Look, I barely smoke. I don't really give a shit about weed. Trevor always has it, so sometimes it's just something to do. You should be more worried about me becoming an alcoholic, if anything. The guys at the frat drink absurd amounts... Blaine was hilarious though, you should have seen him--"
"Do you want to hang out tonight?" Kurt interrupts. His text back from Blaine was that he was hanging out with friends from his film class tonight. Kurt wants to not feel so lonely.
----
He comes over to the frat a little after 10 PM, getting let in by a random guy that knows Kurt as "Nick's fuck buddy". He doesn't want to know who all thinks that about him.
As he's walking up to Nick's room, he sees two blond haired girls talking outside of Trevor's room with Trevor. Kurt barely glances at them, thinking he knows perfectly well what's going to happen. He sees them leaning into the tall boy, staring up at him as he apparently says something that makes them both laugh. He's going to fuck them. What the hell? Gross.
"Have fun, love!" Kurt says sweetly, mocking Trevor from last week when Kurt had knocked on his door for a condom. Trevor just stares at him for a moment with a curious look before opening his door for the girls to come inside.
Kurt smirks proudly to himself as he knocks on Nick's door. Before he does, Trevor opens his door again to stick his head out. "It'd be better if you were here, love." It's his turn to smirk when Kurt just gives him a confused glare. He shuts the door as Nick opens his.
"Why the fuck is every guy in a frat a player?" He barges into Nick's room and sits down on the bed. It smells like Nick's cologne--a musky sea mixed with vanilla and what he wants to say is also pina colada. Interesting.
Nick smiles and comes over to the bed, lying down on top of the comforter and staring over at Kurt. "I'm not a player."
Seeing Nick lying on the bed makes Kurt feel tired, so he quietly lies down with him, putting his head under Nick's chin. "No, you're just Nick," he mumbles.
They don't have anything to talk about other than how miserable Kurt is not talking to Blaine, so they stick to a comfortable silence. After a few minutes of feeling Nick's chest lightly rise as he breathes slowly, Kurt feels less tired than he was moments before. He slides his hand down Nick's side, letting his hand rest on his thigh. Kurt's always liked touching Nick, even when he knows that touching Blaine feels better. It's more just the thought of actually being allowed to touch Nick that excites him. Nick doesn't know how he feels about this, but he lets Kurt's hand stay there.
"I'm tired," Nick says quietly, hinting to Kurt that he doesn't feel like doing anything sexual tonight. Really, he just misses Jeff, and if he doesn't feel the overwhelming urge to fuck Kurt senseless, then he knows he shouldn't be trying to make himself want to right now.
Kurt lets his hand slide off Nick's thigh and onto the bed. "I hate cuddling post-orgasm," he says suddenly, taking his head off Nick's chest and placing it on the pillow next to him instead.
Nick laughs and turns his head to stare at Kurt's hair pressing against the pillow. "Did you just come then?"
The younger boy smirks and hits Nick's chest lightly. "No, but I'm just saying."
Quietness continues, but Nick thinks they both are silently agreeing to take an hour nap before maybe waking back up around eleven or midnight to party with the rest of the frat. At times like this, he really misses Jeff. Misses everything he didn't pay attention to before.
Back in high school, when Nick would stay up all night at Jeff's house shooting zombies on Jeff's XBOX, he remembers waiting for Jeff to fall asleep in his bean bag chair so he could try to beat Jeff's high score on single player mode. Eventually, around 2 AM, Jeff's head would gently fall back and turn to the side. Nick would laugh quietly, seeing Jeff's soft hair fall in front of his eyes and his cheeks look fun to squish as he lightly pouted in his sleep. Thinking back on a memory like this, Nick's heart swells up, and he knows at the time that he should have been wanting to kiss Jeff or wanting to hold him instead of wanting to beat his freaking high score. Why did I screw up so hard?
He can't sleep now, looking over at Kurt just makes him wish light blond hair was lying on the pillow instead. Kurt may hate post-orgasm cuddles, but it's practically Jeff's favorite thing in the world. He misses Jeff's hair, his smile, his laugh, and his apologies he makes whenever he moans too loud still. He misses not having to miss him, because Jeff was always texting him to hang out in summer.
He really wishes now that he would have taken Jeff out on a date before they went back to school. All they did was have sex, swim, and drive around looking for something to do. Granted, Jeff could have asked him on a date this summer, but Nick has a feeling that it's his job to ask first. Jeff deserves more than just waiting for something good to happen.
Nick looks over at Kurt fast asleep, realizing that until Blaine comes around, this will be a nightly thing. He thinks back to soft blond hair and realizes what he has to do.
*Members, read this next part before you continue: Nick's Journal Entry*
~*~
It's a few days later, towards the end of September now, and Nick realizes he can't keep doing this. His daily routine is as follows: he goes back to his room after his classes end in the afternoon, does some homework, Skypes with Jeff, and then later in the night, he drinks and makes out with Kurt on his bed. Sometimes, Kurt will come over to just study, but they almost always end up taking some article of clothing off. Kurt doesn't care anymore, because Blaine's busy writing at coffee shops and hanging out with his film friends, and Kurt just wants some kind of familiarity. Nick is familiar.
Every time he sees Jeff over Skype, he's so close to telling him that he cheated, but he never can. He never can tell him. It would break Jeff's innocent, adorable heart. However, he can't keep doing this, he tells himself.
He's calling Jeff on a Wednesday night to tell him that he wants to come see him tomorrow. He has class at 3 PM, but if he starts driving towards Ohio State by 6 AM, then he can be there in two hours, and they'll get to be together for a little under five hours. It's worth it to Nick. He needs to tell him something in person.
He's driving up to the campus, almost forgetting what it looked like, since he's only been up here once. He needs help finding the dorm buildings, so he has no choice but to call Jeff to ask him how the hell to get to them.
Jeff sounds too nice over the phone. His voice is clear and has a sexy deepness to it that doesn't sound the same over Skype. This is going to kill him. "Ahh, you're almost here! I'm, like, about to piss myself!"
Nick tries to ignore Jeff's excitement and tells him what road he's driving on, asking where to go.
"Umm... just, hm. Here. Do you see the green building with the point on it?"
"Yes. It's straight ahead. Should I crash into it?"
Jeff bursts out laughing. "No! Absolutely not. Go left, and then turn right into the park thing. It's by the dorms. I'll meet you by the fountain, okay?"
"Okay." Nick hangs up and drives in dead silence to a parking lot near the fountain that he thinks Jeff was just talking about. He thinks he's here before Jeff, so he just turns the car off and continues to sit in silence for a few minutes.
You'll want to forgive me, I know you will. You'll wonder what you did wrong, and then if we ever have sex again, you'll do everything you think you can do to make it good for me. I don't want that, Jeff. So, I'm just going to make you hate me. It's the only way.
He knows he has to make up a list of things that are wrong, stuff that Jeff could fix, but he wants him to realize that he shouldn’t change at all for Nick, especially if none of the things are true.
His heart stops when he sees Jeff walking over to the fountain. He's wearing a brown hoodie and comfortable slim jeans that make his ass look good without even trying. He's not trying for Nick today. He looks great just in the clothes he would normally wear in the fall, and when he sees Nick's car, he starts jogging over to it. Please, please, stop. Oh my fucking god. No. Fuck. I hate you. Fuck everyone. Fuck. Me. Fucking shit. Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck. Shit.
Nick gets out of his car slowly before walking the few feet over to Jeff, who's practically ran across the park to see him. Jeff immediately hugs him, and Nick has no choice but to bury his face into his brown hoodie, smelling nothing but Jeff. He pulls back, holding Jeff's hips tightly still. "You smell like pizza."
Jeff's eyes are smiling more than his mouth is when he grins, and Nick thinks that's just awful. "Yeah, David bought me and Adam pizza last night, because we finished practicing our first song together. Adam thinks he found another guitarist, because when I'm playing piano, we'll need a guy on guitar. Or a girl. Whichever we find. I put this hoodie over the pizza to keep myself warm last night. Adam likes sleeping with the window open, the jerk. Anyway, that's why I smell like pizza."
"You put your hoodie over the pizza to transfer the heat from the pizza to your hoodie?"
"Precisely, yes. It worked for about forty minutes." He laughs and bites his lip when Nick just keeps staring at him. "...If it makes you feel any better, I had an ice cream sandwich this morning."
Shut up.
"So, if I kiss you, I'll taste ice cream sandwiches?"
Jeff grins and nods quickly. Nick knows he's being asked to kiss him, and since this might be the last time, well...
He starts by caressing his cheek, feeling how soft his skin is under his thumb. The intense smile in Jeff's eyes turns to something more real. His look softens and he leans his face closer to Nick's, wanting to feel more of him. "I'm so happy to see you, Nicky. You have no idea. I'm really sorry I couldn't be there on your birthday," he says quietly.
Nick can't bring himself to even try to speak. He just nods and kisses him as soft as he's ever been capable of. He'll break, otherwise.
Jeff immediately melts into the kiss, and Nick's surprised when he feels Jeff's long fingers wrapping around his wrists to gently pull him away from the car. "Come on, I want you to see my new dorm..."
Don't have sex with him. If you love him, you'll just get this over with. If you love him...
Nick tells him to stop.
...let him go.
He says it before he can't. "Jeff--" I love you, I'm so sorry. I'm completely in love with you now. I'm so fucking sorry, please, please, hate me. "--I don't want to go out with you anymore."
Jeff stares at him for a moment before letting out a short laugh. "What?"
Nick takes a moment to not breathe, otherwise, he'll probably start crying. Act. Lie.
He shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets, looking away from him. "We don't have enough sex, you're too far away, your hair's just... I don't like it. You're too much of a friend. This isn't working out for me."
This time, Jeff replies a little softer, a lot more shaken up. "...What?" The realization is slowly hitting him; he can't believe it. All his plans for them today... Everything's... "Wait, why? Nick, I don't understand why you're doing this."
Nick's hands stay in his pockets. "I just, I've never felt that way about you. And I can't start now. I'm sorry, Jeff. I've tried, but I just..." just say it "...I like having sex with Kurt more, anyone more than you, really. He knows what I want. And even if it's just sex with him, I feel more for him. I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you anymore."
He's expecting Jeff to cry, but he doesn't. He doesn't even look at him when he speaks. Jeff just balls his fist in his pockets, looking down at the gravel in the parking lot. "...Thanks for being honest with me."
"Is that all you want to say to me?"
Jeff doesn't move. When he does, he raises his head up from the ground, and now, Nick can see that his eyes are shining. He's not crying, but he is. His hands are still in his hoodie, but Nick can almost see them shaking. Jeff talks so quietly, his voice takes on a raspier tone. "...Are we still friends?" He breathes out a lot of air quietly, trying desperately to calm his nerves. He needs to stop shaking. This is embarrassing. Nick just gave him the truth, told him what he's always wanted to hear. He should be acting less awkward, right?
"I don't know, do you still want to be?" Nick asks quietly, deciding not all his words have to be mean and hateful. He's already done the damage.
Jeff nods quickly, looking at him and smiling. "Um, yeah. Is that all right?" He bites his lip and swallows whatever lump he has in his throat.
No, Jeff, no. This isn't right. Why are you pretending to not be hurt?
Nick bites his lip, his hand reaching for his door handle. "Yeah, that's cool. Are you sure you're okay?"
Jeff nods and smiles again, looking away for a second to blink away whatever he might have got in his eye... "Yeah, I'll be fine. But um--" he thinks for a minute of what he wants to say. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
"...I was trying to like you."
Jeff nods quickly again and looks down. "Right. Okay, sorry. Just wondering." He bites his lip and smiles. His mind's looking for a quick way to protect him. "So, um, you're here... Did you want to go see David or anything? I'm sure he'll want to see you..."
No, he won't. He's going to drop kick me in the face when he finds out.
"That's okay, um, I should actually be going. I forgot I have a paper to write."
Jeff nods his understanding and steps away from the car. "All right. Well, um, I'll maybe come up in a few weeks. Thanks for coming."
Nick stares at him, his heart officially numb. "Yeah, it was no problem. I wanted to see you." He opens the door, turning to look at Jeff one last time before he gets in. Finally, he sees nothing but the truth on Jeff's face. Nick can't handle the truth.
Tears are streaming down his cheeks, and Nick can see his chest rising and caving in from how hard he's breathing now. This is what the human body looks like when it's breaking.
Nick shuts the door and walks up to him. "Jeff... Please, don't..."
Jeff's feet are locked in place on the gravel, his hands down by his sides. The only part of him he can move is his head, and when Nick comes over to him, he turns his head down towards the ground. "I-I'm s-sorry."
Nick has to hug him now. He can't leave him like this. He brings Jeff close to him, and all he feels is Jeff shaking. The blond boy doesn't do anything as he holds him. "Jeff, no, I'm sorry... It's not your fault. Please, don't cry..."
Jeff shakes his head furiously and pulls back from him, finally looking at him. His cheeks are red and puffy, and wiping at his face doesn't really help much. "No, no, don't--I know what I did. I shouldn't have pushed you. I-I remember, even when I told you in the choir room at Dalton that I liked you, you just started being nicer to me after that." He shakes his head, his bottom lip starting to quiver. "It changed our friendship, and I ruined it, and I'm sorry. I s-shouldn't have ever told you, a-and then you could have been with Kurt sooner... You could have been happy, Nick." He starts crying harder, realizing how selfish he's been in trying to get Nick to like him back. He leans into himself, not being able to stand up straight anymore. "I-I'm sorry. I make your life so complicated, don't I? Nick, I'm so, so sorry..." Crying harder. "Fuck..."
Nick was already stuck in place, but after hearing Jeff say 'fuck' for the first time, he is beyond knowing what to do. What did I just do? He can't take it back now. After you break, you'll move on and be better without me. See what I put you through? You don't deserve to have all this hidden.
He sighs deeply. "...Jeff, maybe it's better if we don't see each other for a while. You need to get over me. This isn't good." Fuck, why can't I say the right thing? Why, why, why?
Jeff doesn't do anything but put his hood over his head and turn around, heading back towards his dorm. He doesn't care who sees him crying.
Nick stares after him, wanting to run up to him and apologize over and over again, but instead, he just gets in his car and starts driving off. He doesn't dare look in his rear view mirror for him.
----
He makes it back to school in one piece, keeping the music off in the car, because his thoughts are already doing a good enough job of distracting him while driving. If he had enough sense, he'd still turn back to make everything better, but no, he thinks. Nothing can be made better. Nothing will ever be better. Life is meaningless and should be fucked sideways.
To his surprise, when he's making it back to the frat house, Blaine is waiting for him on the steps. He's finally not wearing his gray pea coat, but he looks pissed and ready to charge. Nick is ready to burst, so maybe, he can take Blaine out in the explosion.
Nick doesn't even get twenty feet towards the steps to the frat before Blaine is walking quickly towards him. "Nick! What the fuck?! Kurt just told me that you went up to State to see Jeff this morning. What did you do? It says he's single on Facebook now! What the fuck did you say?"
He sees that Blaine's face is angry, but he doesn't see Blaine. He just sees someone standing in his way from marching up to his room and crying for all eternity. Blaine needs to move. He tries the calm approach first, because Nick Owens is not one to show his vulnerability so easily. "Not now, Blaine. You can hate me for the rest of your life in a couple hours, just not now, okay?" He moves passed him and walks up the stairs. Blaine follows him, and no one is around to stop him from following Nick up to his room.
"What'd you do? Did you tell him you're a fucking cheater?" Blaine glares at that back of Nick's head as they keep walking up.
Nick doesn't care what he's saying, as long as he can escape the world by lying down any second now, he'll be fine (as fine as 'fine' can mean). He goes in his room and sits down on the bed, staring over at his laptop to wonder if he should change his Facebook right now. He can't yet.
"Nick..."
Blaine always did have a little genius hidden inside of him. "...You broke up with him, didn't you?"
Nick looks over at his pillow like it'd be a good idea to bury his face in it, but he decides to not move since Blaine's here. He is not crying in front of anyone, especially Blaine fucking Anderson.
Standing by the door, Blaine patiently waits for Nick to say something. He watches him just sit there with an intense blank expression on his face. He doesn't want to comfort him, because Nick did bring this all on himself, but maybe, just maybe...
"He was so happy to see me," Nick says suddenly. "He was sobbing when I left, Blaine."
Blaine feels his anger building up, but he waits to hear what Nick's going to say first.
His voice gets softer, and Blaine thinks he's hearing Nick being genuine for the first time in months. It's shocking, it's comforting, and it's... something. "...I know that I hurt your feelings; I went against our friendship to sleep with Kurt, but I just... Blaine, I'm sorry, but there are still times that I really want Kurt, and if he wants me too in those moments, I can't help it..." He sighs shakily. "I didn't tell Jeff I cheated, not really. He wouldn't--"
This is the first time Blaine's ever heard Nick get choked up. He wants to hate him, wants to tell him "yes, it was all your fault", but he can't. Not when Nick starts crying, grasping his hair so hard that Blaine thinks he might rip it out.
Blaine doesn't think before he's already sitting down on Nick's bed, wrapping his arms around him and holding Nick's head close to his chest. Sometimes, forgiveness happens when you don't mean it to.
"Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I need it the most."
"--he would have said it was okay... It's not okay, Blaine, it's not. It's not, it's not, it's not. I screwed up, and I blamed him for it, anyway. I want him to hate me, Blaine. Don't let him see me again; don't let me go to him, please." He feels Nick's hand grasp for his sleeve, and he feels his shirt getting wet with Nick's tears, but it's not what he's concentrating on right now. Someone he really cares about is hurting, and that's all that Blaine feels, too.
Blaine's seen Nick laugh at someone getting hurt, he's seen him look annoyed at everyone and everything. He's seen him looking miserable, but he's never seen him like this. To be honest, Blaine's not sure he's ever seen anyone act like this other than himself. The only time Blaine's cried like this is when he realized that it'd take, that it'll still take, a long time for him to trust Kurt again. How difficult it is to cry out any and all emotions so you can feel numb to survive.
"Why are you even here? Everyone should be with him, or at least plotting a painful way to kill me..."
Nick brings his head off Blaine and chooses to sit up straight while staring at the floor. He silently apologizes for collapsing into him, and Blaine silently agrees to never bring it up again so Nick can keep his douchebag reputation intact. "Jeff has David and Adam though, right? He'll be fine."
Nick shrugs and wipes his eyes one more time without making much noise. "He just deserves more. There's no saying that I won't stop trying to do things with Kurt, and he just... He doesn't need someone like me."
"Can you at least try to act like you're not going to try fucking my boyfriend again?"
Nick laughs slightly, despite his current mood. A good way to calm down is to turn your thoughts elsewhere. "You're still 'together'? Come on, you don't even talk to him anymore."
"You're right. ...I don't know. I guess we just didn't make it official. I don't feel like bringing it up, though. I don't need Facebook to tell me how I feel about someone. He should know I don't trust him anymore. Hell, I don't even know why I'm here."
"You were going to yell at me, but then you felt sorry for me, so you held me in your arms until I stopped crying like a good boyfriend should."
Blaine smirks slightly and nods. "Yeah." Okay, now I hate you again. "Well, I guess we're all single now. ...You're still on my shit list until you stop pointing your dick at Kurt, though. I know it's his fault, too, but I'm just not going to talk to either of you until you're done with that. I can't handle it, honestly."
Nick turns to look at him. "What if I stopped sleeping with him and just liked him anyway? Would you forgive him at least?"
Blaine shakes his head. "No. I'm going to do what you're doing with Jeff and say it's better if we're apart for now. Don't tell him I miss him, okay? I'm sure you can keep that one to yourself."
Nick nods, leaning back on his bed. "Yeah, I won't tell him, don't worry. If he knew, he'd probably stop sleeping with me, so..."
Blaine stands up and goes over to the door, ignoring that last part. He turns to look at Nick as he opens the door. "...I'm not going to tell you what to do about Jeff, because I think what you did is probably the best thing you could do. It's a new year for all of us that way. ...I think there's secretly a nice guy under you, Nick."
Nick smirks. "Yeah, it's usually Kurt nowadays."
Blaine gives him a look before he starts walking out into the hall. Nick calls out to him before he shuts the door completely. "Blaine! What are you doing tonight?"
"Not hanging out with you, Nick! I told you!"
"Dammit," Nick mumbles. I wonder how Jeff's doing.
~*~
Jeff calmed down about an hour after Nick left, and by calming down, he just stopped crying. He wanted to change his Facebook status before Nick changed his, because having to change his status to 'single' after Nick seemed a lot more heart-breaking at the time. Now, he'll just never sign on again to know if Nick's dating Kurt or something. He doesn't want to know.
So, that was it? Nick came all this way to break up with him because they weren't going to be able to have sex every day? Jeff knows that can't be the only reason, and if it was, then hell, why did he waste the gas? I'm in love with you, why did you have to do that?
Luckily, Jeff's roommate, Adam, hadn't left for class yet when Jeff got back to the dorm in a mess. Adam's skipping his morning classes to comfort him, and as far as Jeff's concerned, he's not leaving the room for at least another week.
"He said... He said he hates having sex with me, Adam. I feel so repulsive and disgusting..." Jeff's buried himself under the blankets, and Adam's sitting on Jeff's bed, staring down at him. "...I knew he was going to tell me, he tried to before his birthday, but I was just being stupid and depressed. And then I was being dumb and skanky... We had sex in the grass without a condom."
"You what? Jeff, sweetie, why'd you do that?"
Jeff shrugs, lifting his hand out of the blankets to reach over his nightstand for a tissue. "I don't know... I told him I didn't want to ever have sex with anyone else. And that's the fucking truth, and he doesn't get it. He doesn't want to have sex with me. He doesn't want me anymore. ...I don't know what made me think I could ever be with him. He really is perfect." He gets choked up on the word 'perfect', thinking about everything to do with Nick that he's not allowed to be a part of anymore.
Adam was a Warbler back at Dalton with Nick and Jeff. He and Jeff didn't become really good friends until their senior year (when Nick wasn't around for Jeff to stare at), but Adam knows Jeff pretty well by now. He's probably the only person right now besides Jeff's older brother that would tell him to man up at a time like this. "No, he is not perfect. God, no. ...I beat him in Brawl like seven times. I don't even like video games. Therefore, not perfect. He is flawed."
Jeff smiles despite his red eyes and stuffy nose, picturing Nick failing at playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl. "...You're right. He does suck at video games, but he's--"
Adam covers Jeff's mouth with his hand quickly. "No. Sure, Nick's cute as cauliflower, but he broke your heart, so I do not want you to say anything good about him right now. That clear? Wait 'til I tell David... We're gonna go all Warbler on his ass."
Jeff sticks his tongue out to lick Adam's hand to make him move it. He sits up in the bed and leans his head on the other boy's shoulder. "No violence... He's already seen me cry like an idiot, I don't want him to hate me even more." He turns his head to look out the window, seeing that it's started raining. Wonderful for my mood. "...I just don't understand why he dated me when he didn't want to be with me. What if he was cheating the whole time and just didn't want to hurt my feelings?" He sighs. "I'm so stupid."
"Jeff, you're not stupid, you just really like him..."
He turns his head from the window and glares softly at Adam. "I don't like him, I love him; he's just too stupid to realize--I mean, no, he's not stupid." He sighs again. "...He's really smart, way smarter than me, but--"
The bright blue eyed boy decides to keep interrupting him. "No, he's stupid. If he doesn't realize how awesome you are, then he's dumb as daffodils, Jeff."
Jeff blushes, getting frustrated even more. "Will you stop with the flower names? ...I don't even understand what you're doing. Stop it."
"I'm trying to get you angry so you'll be mad at him. It's part of the grieving process."
"Is that a new method you learned in psych? Well, it's working."
Adam punches Jeff's shoulder lightly, but hard enough to make the blonde boy shove him back. "STOP. I get it, gosh. ...Just give me a minute. It's only been an hour, and I'm--" he cuts himself off when he sees a shirt on the ground, the same shirt he wore the night he lost his virginity to Nick.
Why did Nick take it from him when he obviously still liked Kurt? He wasn't caring about Jeff that night, and now, Jeff thinks being drunk wasn't an all too good excuse for causing your best friend to fall even further for you by sleeping with him and being sweet.
Really, why does he love Nick so much? All he does is--Okay, no, you do love him. He's your dream guy; you're just feeling a lot of things right now. Just don't think about him.
Even though he's only been single for over an hour, he's had enough time to cry. In fact, he doesn't even think he should have cried. Nick just told him his true feelings--he doesn't want him anymore--so why feel worse about it? The worst has already happened. I'll just never fall in love again.
He realizes he may have forgotten a few things while dating Nick. For example, he's forgotten what it means to not be worried all the time. He was always worried that Nick liked Kurt more and that he would say or do something wrong to annoy Nick. But now? He realizes that maybe that wasn't the healthiest way to go about loving someone. You can't really love someone that you don't think you deserve. You have to love yourself first.
"...You know, not everyone's going to like me."
Adam looks at him curiously as Jeff continues his realization. "...It doesn't matter how nice or how nice looking I am. Sometimes, people just won't like me. Not everyone can like you--not everyone, not Nick. ...He doesn't love me. He doesn't respect me." He shrugs. "I'm done."
"You don't sound done."
Jeff scoots to the edge of the bed, his eyes almost completely dry. "...Where's my guitar? We're going to learn a song; this band is starting now. ...And then I'm going to call my mom."
Chapter 2b
----
If you have any questions, concerns, or suggestions, feel free to ask me on here or on Tumblr.