[fic] ShizNat Drabble Cycle #46-50
Logros de errar por tu causa
fue de mi ambición el cebo;
donde es el riesgo apreciable
¿qué tanto valdrá el acierto?
(Risking error in your cause
sufficed to spur me on.
When risk becomes so precious,
what value has mere success?)
-"Phyllis", Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz
Previous installments: 1-4, 5-8, 9-12, 13-22, 23-26, 27-31, 32-35, 36-39, 40-45
46
It was a sadomasochistic experience for Shizuru to read Natsuki’s love letters. On the one hand, Natsuki’s reaction was priceless: it would take her a moment to realize what Shizuru was reading to her, then she would turn bright red, then blushingly indignant, then desperate enough to grapple with a laughing Shizuru until she tore the letter out of her hand.
On the other hand, there was the sudden realization that there were other people looking at Natsuki, other people who thought of her in the ways that Shizuru did, other people who might have a better chance than she.
47
There were times, Natsuki had to admit, when being with Shizuru was too much. Times when Shizuru’s teasing rubbed her the wrong way. Times when Natsuki didn’t want to be assaulted with hugs and cheek nuzzles. Times when Natsuki wanted to wipe Shizuru’s knowing smile off her face. Times when Natsuki wanted to scream in frustration at how easily Shizuru could read her. Times when Natsuki didn’t want to be aware of the little doubts nagging at the back of her mind. Times when Natsuki wanted to know the thoughts and feelings behind Shizuru’s actions. Times when she almost acted.
48
For her eighteenth birthday, Shizuru gave Natsuki a digital camera. Natsuki had been walking Shizuru back to her dorm, having escaped her own surprise party courtesy of Mai in cahoots with the track team, when Shizuru suddenly turned to her and placed a small, wrapped box in her hand. Blushing, Natsuki opened it at Shizuru’s insistence, only to hesitate when she saw what it was.
“To capture all these new memories,” Shizuru explained and, gently taking the camera from her, leaned in close, stretched her arm out, and snapped a picture of them.
Then, whispering, “So that you won’t forget.”
49
When they went shopping or walked together around the city or on the beach, Shizuru often wanted to hold Natsuki’s hand or cling to Natsuki’s arm. But there was something about the way Natsuki walked, the way her shoulders seemed set for confrontation, the way she could isolate herself through the force of her attitude, the way that Natsuki sometimes had trouble meeting her eye, that made Shizuru stop.
But then they would climb onto Natsuki’s motorcycle and Natsuki would say, “Hang on tight,” and suddenly, maybe because she had permission, Shizuru could savor holding Natsuki, without care or guilt.
50
Shizuru once decided that Natsuki’s lap would make a great pillow. They had been sitting side by side on Natsuki’s couch, reading, when Shizuru suddenly closed her book, curled up on her side, and, without a word, rested her head on Natsuki’s lap. Maybe they both stopped breathing, maybe time stopped, but for a moment there was complete silence. Shizuru lay, still, waiting… waiting…
Then, a sensation, a feather light touch on her head, now sweeping along the length of her hair, now resting on her shoulder.
Warm.
Shizuru could only close her eyes, maybe to contain tears, maybe joy.
Notes: The dream of regularly updating seems to be dying. But I am still working on these and still thinking and pondering and trying to come up with new ideas. Many thanks to aster_dw and ifuritka for the reference materials; the lib actually has Queer Japan and Emerging Lesbian Voices from Japan, so I will try and see if I can give them a read. I hadn't really been thinking about the GLBT culture in Japan before and actually don't have too much experience of it here (I know gay people and have been to the predominently gay part of town, but other than that, hmmm). So I will probably hold off on the sempai scenes I had been planning until I get some idea and I'm sure this is just going to further complicate matters in the character development department.
Thank you to those who responded to my questions; again, I'm struck by the very different answers. You've all given me things to think about.
On a final note, I've actually considered posting these to FF.net, but I'm not sure. I honestly don't like FF.net much and haven't posted anything there in maybe years. Maybe I'm just bitter because no one ever seems to read my stuff when I post there; maybe I'm craptacular at summaries. Or maybe my writing just sucks. Or maybe FF.net'ers need to feed my ego more.
fue de mi ambición el cebo;
donde es el riesgo apreciable
¿qué tanto valdrá el acierto?
(Risking error in your cause
sufficed to spur me on.
When risk becomes so precious,
what value has mere success?)
-"Phyllis", Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz
Previous installments: 1-4, 5-8, 9-12, 13-22, 23-26, 27-31, 32-35, 36-39, 40-45
46
It was a sadomasochistic experience for Shizuru to read Natsuki’s love letters. On the one hand, Natsuki’s reaction was priceless: it would take her a moment to realize what Shizuru was reading to her, then she would turn bright red, then blushingly indignant, then desperate enough to grapple with a laughing Shizuru until she tore the letter out of her hand.
On the other hand, there was the sudden realization that there were other people looking at Natsuki, other people who thought of her in the ways that Shizuru did, other people who might have a better chance than she.
47
There were times, Natsuki had to admit, when being with Shizuru was too much. Times when Shizuru’s teasing rubbed her the wrong way. Times when Natsuki didn’t want to be assaulted with hugs and cheek nuzzles. Times when Natsuki wanted to wipe Shizuru’s knowing smile off her face. Times when Natsuki wanted to scream in frustration at how easily Shizuru could read her. Times when Natsuki didn’t want to be aware of the little doubts nagging at the back of her mind. Times when Natsuki wanted to know the thoughts and feelings behind Shizuru’s actions. Times when she almost acted.
48
For her eighteenth birthday, Shizuru gave Natsuki a digital camera. Natsuki had been walking Shizuru back to her dorm, having escaped her own surprise party courtesy of Mai in cahoots with the track team, when Shizuru suddenly turned to her and placed a small, wrapped box in her hand. Blushing, Natsuki opened it at Shizuru’s insistence, only to hesitate when she saw what it was.
“To capture all these new memories,” Shizuru explained and, gently taking the camera from her, leaned in close, stretched her arm out, and snapped a picture of them.
Then, whispering, “So that you won’t forget.”
49
When they went shopping or walked together around the city or on the beach, Shizuru often wanted to hold Natsuki’s hand or cling to Natsuki’s arm. But there was something about the way Natsuki walked, the way her shoulders seemed set for confrontation, the way she could isolate herself through the force of her attitude, the way that Natsuki sometimes had trouble meeting her eye, that made Shizuru stop.
But then they would climb onto Natsuki’s motorcycle and Natsuki would say, “Hang on tight,” and suddenly, maybe because she had permission, Shizuru could savor holding Natsuki, without care or guilt.
50
Shizuru once decided that Natsuki’s lap would make a great pillow. They had been sitting side by side on Natsuki’s couch, reading, when Shizuru suddenly closed her book, curled up on her side, and, without a word, rested her head on Natsuki’s lap. Maybe they both stopped breathing, maybe time stopped, but for a moment there was complete silence. Shizuru lay, still, waiting… waiting…
Then, a sensation, a feather light touch on her head, now sweeping along the length of her hair, now resting on her shoulder.
Warm.
Shizuru could only close her eyes, maybe to contain tears, maybe joy.
Notes: The dream of regularly updating seems to be dying. But I am still working on these and still thinking and pondering and trying to come up with new ideas. Many thanks to aster_dw and ifuritka for the reference materials; the lib actually has Queer Japan and Emerging Lesbian Voices from Japan, so I will try and see if I can give them a read. I hadn't really been thinking about the GLBT culture in Japan before and actually don't have too much experience of it here (I know gay people and have been to the predominently gay part of town, but other than that, hmmm). So I will probably hold off on the sempai scenes I had been planning until I get some idea and I'm sure this is just going to further complicate matters in the character development department.
Thank you to those who responded to my questions; again, I'm struck by the very different answers. You've all given me things to think about.
On a final note, I've actually considered posting these to FF.net, but I'm not sure. I honestly don't like FF.net much and haven't posted anything there in maybe years. Maybe I'm just bitter because no one ever seems to read my stuff when I post there; maybe I'm craptacular at summaries. Or maybe my writing just sucks. Or maybe FF.net'ers need to feed my ego more.