Beer's to Blame
Title: Beer’s to Blame
Team Name: D to the E
Word Count: 100x5
Rating: PG-13
Challenge: Oktoberfest, Caught By Filch
Characters: Hermione, Severus, Filch
Author’s Notes: Just something silly on the AU side. Living as a Muggle and drinking too much beer, Argus Filch stumbles across some familiar faces.
Beer’s to Blame
Argus Filch missed his butterbeer.
Twenty years living as a Squib in a world of Muggles who didn’t know the meaning of the words had made Argus a bit grumpy. Mostly, he fit in better with Muggles; he’d even had a girlfriend or two - which had ended abruptly whenever he used the word “witch.” Didn’t they know that was a compliment?
Trying to be like any normal Muggle man, Argus had taken to drinking. Beer.
Looking up from the bottom of his pint, he saw two strangely familiar faces… and they happened to be engaging in some very… familiar… activities.
*****
Argus stood, swaying a little on his feet due to inebriation. Could he help it that drunk and disorderly was expected during Oktoberfest?
Perhaps a detention would be in order, he thought. Notably, he was quite intoxicated at this point and had all but forgotten twenty years had passed, and he no longer had the authority to assign detentions.
The former student and the professor Argus remembered most fondly were tossing tiny Snitches into each other’s beers from across a table - without the use of magic.
“Drink up,” Snape said as he placed his hand on the Granger girl’s bum.
*****
“I can’t drink any more.”
“You should have thought of that before you agreed to play.”
“But you’re cheating. I saw your wand arm twitch when that last ball swerved to land in the cup.”
“Don’t play with a snake if you aren’t prepared for its bite.”
“Stop making excuses! You just want me drunk.”
“Are you accusing me of ulterior motives?”
“If the broom fits…”
“Oh, I’ll ride it all right. I’ll ride it all night long.”
“Severus! You should be ashamed. That innuendo was just dreadful.”
Argus promptly fainted, taking an entire table of beer down with him.
*****
“Severus! You can’t use Evanesco in the presence of Muggles.”
“It was nonverbal. They didn’t even notice.”
“They didn’t notice? They didn’t notice that one second beer was everywhere and the next it was gone?”
“Hermione, they’re Muggles.”
“And that makes them stupid?”
“No, simply unobservant. They choose not to see.”
“Severus, my parents are Muggles. Are you saying they’re unobservant?”
“No, I meant…”
“I suppose you think cavities are easy to spot or that drilling a tooth is simple.”
“The two are hardly comparable…”
Argus groaned.
“Severus, he’s waking up.”
“Quick, distract the observant Muggles while I Obliviate him.”
*****
The next day, Argus awoke with the worst hangover he had ever had in his entire life. And that included the time he overindulged in Firewhisky and wound up naked in Sybil Trelawney’s incense-filled tower. Argus shuddered at the memory.
But then confusion hit him. What was Firewhisky? Who was Sybil Trelawney? And why could he only remember one sentence from the night before, said in a silky voice that seemed hauntingly familiar?
Now, let’s get you back to Hogwarts while you are still drunk enough for me to take advantage of you.
Hogwarts?
He blamed it on the beer.
Team Name: D to the E
Word Count: 100x5
Rating: PG-13
Challenge: Oktoberfest, Caught By Filch
Characters: Hermione, Severus, Filch
Author’s Notes: Just something silly on the AU side. Living as a Muggle and drinking too much beer, Argus Filch stumbles across some familiar faces.
Beer’s to Blame
Argus Filch missed his butterbeer.
Twenty years living as a Squib in a world of Muggles who didn’t know the meaning of the words had made Argus a bit grumpy. Mostly, he fit in better with Muggles; he’d even had a girlfriend or two - which had ended abruptly whenever he used the word “witch.” Didn’t they know that was a compliment?
Trying to be like any normal Muggle man, Argus had taken to drinking. Beer.
Looking up from the bottom of his pint, he saw two strangely familiar faces… and they happened to be engaging in some very… familiar… activities.
*****
Argus stood, swaying a little on his feet due to inebriation. Could he help it that drunk and disorderly was expected during Oktoberfest?
Perhaps a detention would be in order, he thought. Notably, he was quite intoxicated at this point and had all but forgotten twenty years had passed, and he no longer had the authority to assign detentions.
The former student and the professor Argus remembered most fondly were tossing tiny Snitches into each other’s beers from across a table - without the use of magic.
“Drink up,” Snape said as he placed his hand on the Granger girl’s bum.
*****
“I can’t drink any more.”
“You should have thought of that before you agreed to play.”
“But you’re cheating. I saw your wand arm twitch when that last ball swerved to land in the cup.”
“Don’t play with a snake if you aren’t prepared for its bite.”
“Stop making excuses! You just want me drunk.”
“Are you accusing me of ulterior motives?”
“If the broom fits…”
“Oh, I’ll ride it all right. I’ll ride it all night long.”
“Severus! You should be ashamed. That innuendo was just dreadful.”
Argus promptly fainted, taking an entire table of beer down with him.
*****
“Severus! You can’t use Evanesco in the presence of Muggles.”
“It was nonverbal. They didn’t even notice.”
“They didn’t notice? They didn’t notice that one second beer was everywhere and the next it was gone?”
“Hermione, they’re Muggles.”
“And that makes them stupid?”
“No, simply unobservant. They choose not to see.”
“Severus, my parents are Muggles. Are you saying they’re unobservant?”
“No, I meant…”
“I suppose you think cavities are easy to spot or that drilling a tooth is simple.”
“The two are hardly comparable…”
Argus groaned.
“Severus, he’s waking up.”
“Quick, distract the observant Muggles while I Obliviate him.”
*****
The next day, Argus awoke with the worst hangover he had ever had in his entire life. And that included the time he overindulged in Firewhisky and wound up naked in Sybil Trelawney’s incense-filled tower. Argus shuddered at the memory.
But then confusion hit him. What was Firewhisky? Who was Sybil Trelawney? And why could he only remember one sentence from the night before, said in a silky voice that seemed hauntingly familiar?
Now, let’s get you back to Hogwarts while you are still drunk enough for me to take advantage of you.
Hogwarts?
He blamed it on the beer.