Fic: Brush With Insanity
Title: Brush With Insanity
Author: gradgirl (aka Ali)
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Sometimes Reid liked to attribute his attraction to Luke as a brush with insanity. But it lasted too long and it felt more deeper than simple physical desire.
Author’s Notes: Takes place a month in the future. Based upon all the episodes up until now, and haven’t included anything from the spoilers (that I know). Basically a really, really long one-shot. Broken into four-parts. Unbeta’d all mistakes are mine. Feedback or constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thank you for stopping by and reading. ~Ali
Luke looked around the hospital corridor, staring at the familiar floor tiles. He’d walked up and down these halls countless times before. He couldn’t believe they were almost to Noah’s last appointment with Reid. Luke and Reid had stopped meeting as frequently to go over plans, exchanging emails, talking through Bob even, anything not to spend any more time together alone then was necessary. Luke knew why, especially as he had to mentally psyche himself up for this latest appointment. He didn’t spend any extra time in the room, letting Dr. Oliver do what he needed.
But he still gave Noah a ride. At first, Noah’s vision was still so spotty, and he wanted the moral support, someone to share all the news after each appointment. After all he and Noah had been through, after everything Luke had done: rehab, blackmailing Dr. Oliver, putting up with the insults, giving money for the neurology wing, getting that hearing…ignoring his own desires for the good doctor, what were a few rides? It was the least he could do for his boyfriend.
“Well, Noah,” Reid’s voice pulled Luke out of his thoughts and he looked up to see the two men he cared most about in the world standing a few feet in front of him.
He knew that smile on Noah’s face and Luke felt a smile tugging at his own mouth.
“I said no hugs,” Reid reminded him.
“But Dr. Oliver…after everything you’ve done for me, you never let me thank you.”
Reid rolled his eyes and held his arms out and Luke was mesmerized. Dr. Oliver really was a completely different person with his patients. It was a side of him that Luke had rarely seen. He’d seen the anger, the rudeness, and snark, he’d even seen the passion, and determination, but… Luke had heard the way Reid talked about Annie Judd and he knew how much he cared for his patients, but to see him soft and joking, it reminded Luke of the arguments they used to have about the new wing, the flirty conversations, and the looks. It made him want that time back, but it hurt too, and he had to turn away, while Noah gave Reid his thank you hug.
“Tell the nurse I want to see you again in two weeks.”
Luke finally looked back at the two men. “Dr. Oliver,” he greeted the redhead.
“Mr. Snyder,” he returned.
“Well, I assume you had another good appointment,” Luke said, turning to Noah.
“Yes. I’ll tell you all about it on the way home, but can you wait here for a minute? Ali wanted an update and she’s doing a double shift today, so I won’t see her at home later. It’ll just be a few minutes,” Noah checked, his eyebrows rose slightly.
Luke found himself agreeing, so grateful to see that hopeful expression back on Noah’s face. It had been too long. “Of course. I have to talk to Dr. Oliver about the neurological wing. Take as much time as you need.”
“Thanks.” Noah squeezed Luke’s shoulder and went to find his roommate.
“What about the neurological wing, Mr. Snyder?” Reid asked as he started on his way back to his office. “I thought all the plans were submitted.” He picked up Noah’s chart and made a few notes.
Luke followed close behind and shut the door. “They are. I just wish you would…treat me like a human being. It’s been a month and you’re still always so cold around me and Noah-”
Reid’s hand stilled, but he kept his gaze locked firmly on the chart. It was difficult, even now, to be around Luke, especially when Luke was in the presence of his boyfriend. Sometimes Reid liked to attribute his attraction to Luke as a brush with insanity. But it lasted too long and it felt more deeper than simple physical desire. He had forgone personal relationships for a reason-he didn’t want to feel anything and with Luke, he felt everything.
“I’m Noah’s doctor. If you want games and balloons, take him to the circus.”
“Dr. Oliver-” Luke tried again.
Finally, he placed the chart on his desk. He crossed his arms over his chest, and his gaze met Luke’s head on. “You used to call me Reid.”
Luke found himself wavering, afraid of what Reid saw when he looked at him. “I wasn’t sure why you insisted on calling me, Mr. Snyder, but…I need to call you Dr. Oliver.”
Reid’s head tilted slightly to the right. “Why?” he asked, but he already knew the answer. He wondered if Luke would admit it, though.
Luke gulped. Can I really do this? “When I think of you as Reid, I…I remember the man who kissed me just because he wanted to. And I remember the excitement on your face and your smile when you heard from the medical board. I think of your hands…not the ones that saved Noah and so many others…but the way they feel when you hold my face and how you unbuttoned my shirt.”
Reid took a step and then another closer to Luke. “And I remember watching you run as fast as you could to get away from me.”
“I was scared,” he admitted, his voice cracking. He couldn’t be in the same room with Dr. Oliver. He knew this was a mistake, he should have been grateful for the cold attitude and distance. Why was he pushing for more?
“You were scared for Noah or of wanting me, wanting someone other than Noah? You want me to be nice, Luke, then why do you come to his appointments?”
“He’s my boyfriend. He needed a ride. Noah wanted my support. It’s not like what it was, but you know, we’re trying and we’re still figuring it all out.”
“It’s been a month, what’s there to figure out? Your mantra since we’ve met is how much you love Noah.”
“It’s not that simple. We’ve been together for a long time, Dr. Oliver.”
Reid wasn’t sure what he was expecting from this conversation, but as was always the case with Luke, he felt like he had to push, because Luke was shoving him. But instead of pushing back, Reid wondered if he was trying to force Luke in a new direction. “Yes, something else you like to remind me of. Has my care for the man you love been anything less than the best of my ability? Where in my job description does it say, I am to be sunny and cheerful with the boyfriend of my patient?”
“I just…”
“What, Luke?” He crossed his arms over his chest.
“I miss you,” he whispered, and he had to take a moment to catch his breath. I miss trying to convince you about plans for the new wing. I miss the rare times you would smile at me. I miss your laugh. I miss you.”
“You made your choice, Luke.” Reid couldn’t do this any more. It wasn’t that he didn’t miss him, either. Reid missed Luke more than he would ever admit, even to himself, but he couldn’t be around Luke and especially Luke and Noah.
“Noah was my first…everything,” Luke sputtered. He used that to explain all he was feeling, but sometimes it felt like an excuse, and he hated to think that those times always happened when he was with Reid.
“Yes, then why can’t you understand why I don’t want to be around you? I told you what I want, Luke, I want you. And your guilt or fear pushed me away that night and you have been pushing me away ever since. It doesn’t mean that I regret what happened between us and it doesn’t mean I don’t still want to be with you.”
Even after all this time? Luke wouldn’t allow himself to hope. “But Noah-”
“What about him?” Reid countered and took a few more steps toward Luke. “Do you think if you allow yourself to feel something for me that Noah will what exactly? Do you think if you and I sleep together, I’ll suddenly ignore my patient? Are you that good in bed, Luke?”
He felt a blush stain his cheeks and he looked down at the floor, his gaze locked on the gray sneakers Dr. Oliver wore. “No, I just-”
“I want you,” Reid whispered his confession, watched as Luke’s head snapped up, and found himself staring into Luke’s hazel eyes. He’d never forget them, especially that night, the anxiety and the water shimmering around the surface as Luke confessed his fear for Noah and guilt. “Me wanting you hasn’t changed, Luke. Your guilt over Noah’s accident and your constant need to make it up to him? That hasn’t changed, either. But what do you want?” And God help him, if Luke said Reid’s name, he would lock that door and finish what they started that night.
“I don’t know.”
Reid shook his head. Despite everything, he thought Luke would never lie to him. “Yes, you do. Why are you here?”
“Your attitude-” It even sounded false to Luke, but could he admit all that he wanted? He’d started to, by admitting that he missed Reid.
“I’ve been a jerk to you since we met, Luke. Was I rude to Noah today? Have I not taken care of him? Answered his questions, shown the appropriate level of optimism without giving him false hope? I gave the man a hug,” he ended empathetically and Luke knew how difficult that had been for Reid.
“I know. And Noah told me how you got him to calm down before his surgery. It reminded me so much of you, of the Reid I know, the one who rode that mechanical bull and remembers Annie’s smile. The man I saw with Jacob.”
Arguing, verbal sparring, Reid could handle, but hearing the admiration in Luke’s voice, the desire… He was certain the young man had no idea what he had revealed, and Reid wasn’t sure if he could do this. He didn’t like to talk, he was a man of action. He wanted Luke, he didn’t want to analyze it, dissect what it meant. But with Luke? How could he have him, without all the discussion? And even then, could he have him at all?
“You saw all that, and yet you don’t want me, Luke. You made it clear your obligation is to Noah. My desire for you hasn’t changed, but it doesn’t mean I can put on a fake smile and want to hear all the details of your relationship with him, either. I will try to be more polite when I see you or when we have to discuss the Snyder Pavilion, if that’s what you want.”
“It’s not what I want,” Luke replied, the words torn from his mouth. He reached out and grabbed Reid by the shoulders. He couldn’t be in the same room with the redhead and not touch him. “You’re not…I want you. But how can I…when Noah needs me. How could I think about anyone else when-”
It took everything Reid had not to move, not to reach out for Luke as well. “When what?” he whispered. His fingers itching to cup the young man’s face in his hands. But the anxiety was rolling off of Luke in waves. Reid was reminded of the young man’s tirade the night of Noah’s surgery. When he had reached for Luke, he knew that it was more than comfort, he was hoping to get the blonde to see that he could move on, he could have feelings for Reid and that didn’t make it wrong and it was okay, Reid would make it all right for Luke. The doctor was trying to do that again. “When what?” he asked again.
“I don’t know,” Luke whispered.
“Yes, you do. You’ve never held anything back from me, Luke, you push more than anyone I’ve ever met. Tell me.” Reid never begged for anything, but he was pleading now.
“How could I want you when I never expected to want anyone but Noah?” Luke murmured, his grip tightening slightly. “I thought we would be together forever. But when I asked for the future, and he couldn’t give that to me, I had to end things. But I could never walk away from him. And after his surgery, we decided to try again. I still can’t walk away.”
“Why not?” Reid questioned, and it wasn’t that he expected Luke to cut Noah out of his life completely, but he needed Luke to see him as well.
“Because Noah needs me.”
Reid nodded his head and pulled away from Luke, watching as the young man’s hands fell to his sides. “And you can’t support Noah and be with me? I can’t be his doctor and see if what we feel is real?”
“I guess that’s what I’m saying, yes.”
“Fine,” Reid replied. It was time to end this. “Then allow me the courtesy of having my feelings, of still wanting you and hating seeing you with him. But trust that I would never do anything to hurt Noah.”
Luke reached out for Reid again, placing his hands on the doctor’s shoulders. “I know you would never do that.”
Reid simply looked at him for a moment. There was still so much to say.
“I know what I accused you of that night, but I never believed…” Luke’s left hand slid up and cupped the other man’s face in his hand. “Reid, I just…I needed someone else to be guilty for Noah’s condition. I’m so tired of-”
“You need to let it go, Luke, it was an accident. And everything you’ve done since then, including pushing me away… Haven’t you suffered enough? When will you have paid your penance?”
Before Luke could respond, there was a knock on Reid’s door. “Dr. Oliver? Is Luke still with you?” Noah’s voice greeted them.
Both men jumped slightly and Luke quickly pulled away from Reid. He took a deep breath before turning and opening the door. “Right here. Ready to go?” Luke asked, hoping his voice didn’t sound too fake.
“Are you?” Noah asked. He glanced back at the doctor before his gaze returned to Luke. There was always so much tension between his boyfriend and Dr. Oliver; Noah hoped that they would somehow find a way to get along.
With one last look back at Reid, Luke replied, “Yeah, I have to. Thank you…Dr. Oliver.”
Reid held his gaze for a moment. “Good-bye, Luke.”
*
{ Part 2}