100 ways to tell if you're a Christian
100 Ways You Know You're a Christian
Treatment of non-Christians:
1. You storm into atheist forums preaching fire, brimstone, and divine wrath, but you scream persecution the moment atheists start teasing you for it.
2. You threaten non-believers that something that does not exist will send them to a place that does not exist.
3. You think atheists are going to hell even though hell has never been proven; yet you cant stand it when atheists point to Christianitys brutal history even though it has been proven.
4. You are deeply offended whenever atheists criticize or insult God, even though they are attacking an idea and not an actual entity.
5. You feel everyone should be subject to the laws of Christianity, yet you take offense when atheists say that humans are still animals and subject to the laws of nature.
6. You address all non-Christians as atheists.
7. You expect followers of other philosophies such as Buddhism to conform to your own narrow definition of them, yet you cant stand it when Christians are stereotyped.
8. You think that atheism is a religion.
9. You cant tell the difference between atheists and agnostics, and you probably do this deliberately.
10. Whenever you hear about any other religions you need to know how Jesus fits into them.
11. You act surprised when atheists tell you they have Christian friends and family members.
12. You cant imagine how a bad experience with Christianity might cause someone to abandon it.
13. You ignore what Jesus said about humility or being non-prejudiced, because after all this is about sticking it to the atheists!
14. You use the words heathen, godless, heretic, and infidel pejoratively.
15. You pull out random bible quotes as if that actually proves anything other than the bible has an opinion.
16. You incessantly quote the bible to atheists as though theyd never heard such things before.
17. You accuse non-fundamentalist Christians of not being true Christians (a lot of fundamentalist atheists do this too).
18. You consider it disrespectful when atheists say Jesus is dead, yet you have no problem plastering Jesus bloody tortured half-naked visage on a pagan Roman execution symbol.
19. You accuse atheists of having no morals, yet admit that you would abandon your own morals if God did not exist.
20. You go around preaching to everyone to be thankful for what they already have; yet you believe you are entitled to an eternity in heaven on top of your normal lifespan.
Origins:
21. You think that a poem written thousands of years ago by desert tribals with heat stroke should be interpreted as literally true.
22. Despite the fact that every culture around the world has its own origins story, you believe that the one dreamed up by the ancient Semites must exclusively be true.
23. You believe that one naked guy named all several million species of animals in the same day, even the ones that hadn't been or have yet to be discovered.
24. Despite the fact that the default gender for all species including humans is female, and a hormonal change is necessary to produce a male, you believe that woman was created from man.
25. You claim that C-14 dating is unreliable because of contamination, even though any such contamination would actually make a sample seem older than it actually is.
26. You think that if evolution were proven false today, creationism or intelligent design would take its place tomorrow.
27. Even though the earth is an average planet, revolving around a smaller than average yellow sun, in a typical star system, in the suburbs of a regular spiral galaxy, you believe it is the center of the universe.
28. You assert that evolution is a lie or a false theory and yet you know little to nothing about it.
29. You reject evolution to uphold dogma at all costs, yet you are unwilling to give up any other fruits of scientific inquiry including your car, your computer, or modern medicine.
30. You think that a deity as stupid and destructive as Yahweh could be the intelligent creator of the universe.
31. You think the big bang theory implies that everything came from nothing.
32. You think that evolution says that humans came from monkeys.
33. You have used the idiotic 747 out of a junkyard analogy at least once to try and prove evolution wrong.
34. You claim that evolution is highly improbable even though you are willing to believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, had supernatural powers, rose from the dead, and flew away.
35. You believe that finding a single error in evolution proves it wrong, yet when an error in the bible is pointed out you try to justify it to a prejudiced notion.
36. You think the fact that science must correct itself in order to approximate the truth is proof of its unreliability, yet you have no problem using stale apologetics to explain away the inconsistencies in the bible.
37. You accuse evolution of being racist yet you cling to a book that is loaded with messages of ethnocentrism and racial supremacy.
38. You claim that Darwinism lead to eugenics and its abuses, yet you stubbornly defend biblical passages describing Gods people exterminating members of other races.
39. When it comes to the verses in Isaiah that say the earth is flat, you dismiss them as figurative because otherwise it would make you look stupid in this day and age.
40. Yet when it comes to the verses in Genesis that describe a 6 day creation period, you take them literally even though it makes you look stupid in this day and age.
Dogmatic Reasoning:
41. You claim that God is omnipotent and omnibenevolent, yet you blame human free will whenever something bad happens.
42. You judge humanity by the worst among them in order to justify original sin, yet you take offense when atheists judge Christians by the worst among them.
43. You constantly refer back to the teleological, ontological, and cosmological arguments even though the logical flaws in them are widely known.
44. You scream category error whenever you are asked for observational proof of an afterlife, even though you cant describe heaven or hell without using physically derivative terminology.
45. You are deeply offended when atheists tell you that the bible is mythology by comparing it to the Iliad or the Odyssey, and you presuppose that the bible is special in order to refute atheists who compare it to Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings.
46. You cant comprehend the similarity between an ad ignorantum proof of God, and an ad ignorantum proof of leprechauns, pink unicorns, dragons, aliens, etc.
47. You use one part of the bible in order to prove the validity of something written elsewhere in the bible, i.e. Jesus mentioning Adam and Eve by name proves that Genesis is literally true.
48. You claim that God is personal and has human qualities, yet you dismiss the fact that these human qualities would put limitations on him.
49. You claim that God is omnipresent, yet insist that people need to go to church to talk to him, that its possible to be lead away from him and become lost, and that the word of God is contained only within the bible.
50. You prefer to see things in terms of black and white, where an action is either right or wrong, an idea is either true or false, and a religion is either correct or incorrect.
51. You think that the financial success of The Passion of the Christ is an indication that Christianity is the one true faith.
52. You act as a spokesperson of God and claim that your interpretation is the correct one, but when backed into a corner you claim God is beyond our understanding.
53. You claim that your religion must be correct because of how old it is, but that your denomination must be correct because of how new it is.
54. You think Christianity has a monopoly on truth, morality, and anything pertaining to spirituality.
55. You believe that without God there would be no basis for morality.
56. You use the argument from incredulity to defend the argument from design, the acts of violence in the bible, and the idea that everyone who isnt a Christian will burn in hell forever. Yeah well Id like to see you come up with something better! etc.
57. You point to gaps in modern scientific knowledge and say that science doesnt have all the answers, yet whenever you need to explain how something happened you throw up your hands and say goddidit.
58. You scoff at theories that infer that the energy making up the universe may have always existed, even though you have no problem believing that God has always existed.
59. You think that the purpose of designing something is to make it as complex as possible; so long as it works more often than not who cares?
60. When all else fails you try to defend the argument from design by suggesting that the design was meant to be artistic in nature.
Biblical Interpretation:
61. You consider blasphemous the theory that Jesus was married with children in accordance with Jewish tradition, because after all we cant have a god impregnating a human and producing offspring
62. You think that the post-mortem deification of Jesus is explicitly stated in the bible.
63. You read literal or prophetic meaning into verses which were most likely poems written by bards, minstrels, and musicians.
64. You focus on the literalism of fables such as Noahs Ark rather than on the lessons such stories were trying to teach.
65. You are perfectly willing to ignore the OT except when it comes to such idiocy as original sin, the Ten Commandments, and the mosaic laws pertaining to homosexuality.
66. You cherry pick said verses about homosexuality out of Leviticus, while ignoring the part about it being punishable by death and dismissing the rest of the Levitical laws as outdated.
67. You think that the doctrine of the holy trinity is biblically based.
68. You think that someones hallucinogenic dream about events that have already happened is a prediction of the end of the world.
69. You think that vague or post facto prophecies prove the bibles legitimacy, even though anyone can make a prophecy and be right provided there is no exact time or location.
70. You think that a deity, who violates his own laws, plays favorites, routinely changes his mind, and who acts on emotional satisfaction, is a source of objective morality.
71. You think that a deity, who inflicts eternal punishment for finite sins and thought crimes, punishes people for the actions of others, and uses capital punishment for nearly everything else, is infinitely just.
72. You think that the bible, which advocates polygamy, sex slavery, incest, rape, and spousal abuse, should be a model for family values and sexual morality.
73. You defend biblical acts of violence by claiming that it was self-defense, even though the bible clearly says that the Israelites massacred peaceful tribes.
74. You defend the plagues of Egypt by pointing to the enslavement of the Israelites, even though the Israelites themselves practiced their own cruel form of slavery.
75. You defend the historicity of the bible even though it was never meant to be a history text.
76. You believe that the bible should be used as a science textbook even though it was never intended for that either.
77. You focus almost entirely on the way Jesus died, saying that the most important thing he did was to die for our sins, rather than focusing on what he said or did while he was alive.
78. You dont think there are any contradictions in the bible, other than a few typos or copyist errors.
79. You actually believe that God is love just because it said so in the bible.
80. You blame Satan for everything bad that happens in the bible or otherwise, even though its Yahweh himself who orders or carries out about 99% of the evil acts in the bible.
History / Politics:
81. You gleefully point to the fact that Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot were atheists and claim that their mass murders were done in the name of atheism, ignoring the fact that they were communists.
82. You also ignore the fact that Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot were totalitarian dictators, which would mean they had more in common with Christian dictators and warlords who carried out atrocities in the name of their religion.
83. You think atheism had something to do with the fall of the Soviet Union, while overlooking economic factors and a little incident called the Cold War.
84. You think that just because Hitler wasnt a Christian means that Christianity didnt play any role in what he did, and you overlook the fact that Final Solution author Heinrich Himmler was Catholic and Nazi Germany was predominantly Christian.
85. You forget that the bible was once used to justify the institution of slavery.
86. You claim to be pro-life yet you have no problem with the death penalty, the destruction of environmental regulations, and preemptive wars against non-threatening nations.
87. You actually believe that the bible supports your pro-life agenda, and that it should be used to teach children the value of human life.
88. You are vehemently opposed to euthanasia-- that is unless the patient runs out of insurance or has not had his or her case publicized.
89. You think that the most important issues of the day are gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research.
90. You trivialize the holocaust by comparing abortion rates to it.
91. You believe that human personhood begins at conception, even though there is no scientific OR biblical basis for this belief.
92. You oppose contraception AND abortion at the same time, even though the former could help prevent the latter.
93. Even if you arent a Catholic you quote the pope when he condemns abortion and same sex marriage, yet you dismiss him when he says that evolution is more than just a theory.
94. You claim that America was founded on Christian valuesalthough if you count war, conquest, cultural destruction, forcible conversion of indigenous peoples, slavery, and gender roles, then you might have a point.
95. Any politician who wears his Christian faith on his sleeve is able to sucker you in, regardless of how dishonest or insincere he may be.
96. You would never even think of voting for anyone who isnt a Christian. God forbid if an atheist should ever run for office.
97. You think that the only faith-based charities that do worthwhile work are the Christian affiliated ones.
98. You believe that the Ten Commandments ought to be the fundamental basis of law and morality in any modern civilization.
99. You oppose secularization and want to see more religion in politics, even though it was precisely the separation of church and state that allowed Christianity to thrive and gain so much influence in the US.
100. You think that the only terrorists out there are Muslim, and that there is no such thing as a Christian terrorist.
Treatment of non-Christians:
1. You storm into atheist forums preaching fire, brimstone, and divine wrath, but you scream persecution the moment atheists start teasing you for it.
2. You threaten non-believers that something that does not exist will send them to a place that does not exist.
3. You think atheists are going to hell even though hell has never been proven; yet you cant stand it when atheists point to Christianitys brutal history even though it has been proven.
4. You are deeply offended whenever atheists criticize or insult God, even though they are attacking an idea and not an actual entity.
5. You feel everyone should be subject to the laws of Christianity, yet you take offense when atheists say that humans are still animals and subject to the laws of nature.
6. You address all non-Christians as atheists.
7. You expect followers of other philosophies such as Buddhism to conform to your own narrow definition of them, yet you cant stand it when Christians are stereotyped.
8. You think that atheism is a religion.
9. You cant tell the difference between atheists and agnostics, and you probably do this deliberately.
10. Whenever you hear about any other religions you need to know how Jesus fits into them.
11. You act surprised when atheists tell you they have Christian friends and family members.
12. You cant imagine how a bad experience with Christianity might cause someone to abandon it.
13. You ignore what Jesus said about humility or being non-prejudiced, because after all this is about sticking it to the atheists!
14. You use the words heathen, godless, heretic, and infidel pejoratively.
15. You pull out random bible quotes as if that actually proves anything other than the bible has an opinion.
16. You incessantly quote the bible to atheists as though theyd never heard such things before.
17. You accuse non-fundamentalist Christians of not being true Christians (a lot of fundamentalist atheists do this too).
18. You consider it disrespectful when atheists say Jesus is dead, yet you have no problem plastering Jesus bloody tortured half-naked visage on a pagan Roman execution symbol.
19. You accuse atheists of having no morals, yet admit that you would abandon your own morals if God did not exist.
20. You go around preaching to everyone to be thankful for what they already have; yet you believe you are entitled to an eternity in heaven on top of your normal lifespan.
Origins:
21. You think that a poem written thousands of years ago by desert tribals with heat stroke should be interpreted as literally true.
22. Despite the fact that every culture around the world has its own origins story, you believe that the one dreamed up by the ancient Semites must exclusively be true.
23. You believe that one naked guy named all several million species of animals in the same day, even the ones that hadn't been or have yet to be discovered.
24. Despite the fact that the default gender for all species including humans is female, and a hormonal change is necessary to produce a male, you believe that woman was created from man.
25. You claim that C-14 dating is unreliable because of contamination, even though any such contamination would actually make a sample seem older than it actually is.
26. You think that if evolution were proven false today, creationism or intelligent design would take its place tomorrow.
27. Even though the earth is an average planet, revolving around a smaller than average yellow sun, in a typical star system, in the suburbs of a regular spiral galaxy, you believe it is the center of the universe.
28. You assert that evolution is a lie or a false theory and yet you know little to nothing about it.
29. You reject evolution to uphold dogma at all costs, yet you are unwilling to give up any other fruits of scientific inquiry including your car, your computer, or modern medicine.
30. You think that a deity as stupid and destructive as Yahweh could be the intelligent creator of the universe.
31. You think the big bang theory implies that everything came from nothing.
32. You think that evolution says that humans came from monkeys.
33. You have used the idiotic 747 out of a junkyard analogy at least once to try and prove evolution wrong.
34. You claim that evolution is highly improbable even though you are willing to believe that Jesus was born of a virgin, had supernatural powers, rose from the dead, and flew away.
35. You believe that finding a single error in evolution proves it wrong, yet when an error in the bible is pointed out you try to justify it to a prejudiced notion.
36. You think the fact that science must correct itself in order to approximate the truth is proof of its unreliability, yet you have no problem using stale apologetics to explain away the inconsistencies in the bible.
37. You accuse evolution of being racist yet you cling to a book that is loaded with messages of ethnocentrism and racial supremacy.
38. You claim that Darwinism lead to eugenics and its abuses, yet you stubbornly defend biblical passages describing Gods people exterminating members of other races.
39. When it comes to the verses in Isaiah that say the earth is flat, you dismiss them as figurative because otherwise it would make you look stupid in this day and age.
40. Yet when it comes to the verses in Genesis that describe a 6 day creation period, you take them literally even though it makes you look stupid in this day and age.
Dogmatic Reasoning:
41. You claim that God is omnipotent and omnibenevolent, yet you blame human free will whenever something bad happens.
42. You judge humanity by the worst among them in order to justify original sin, yet you take offense when atheists judge Christians by the worst among them.
43. You constantly refer back to the teleological, ontological, and cosmological arguments even though the logical flaws in them are widely known.
44. You scream category error whenever you are asked for observational proof of an afterlife, even though you cant describe heaven or hell without using physically derivative terminology.
45. You are deeply offended when atheists tell you that the bible is mythology by comparing it to the Iliad or the Odyssey, and you presuppose that the bible is special in order to refute atheists who compare it to Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings.
46. You cant comprehend the similarity between an ad ignorantum proof of God, and an ad ignorantum proof of leprechauns, pink unicorns, dragons, aliens, etc.
47. You use one part of the bible in order to prove the validity of something written elsewhere in the bible, i.e. Jesus mentioning Adam and Eve by name proves that Genesis is literally true.
48. You claim that God is personal and has human qualities, yet you dismiss the fact that these human qualities would put limitations on him.
49. You claim that God is omnipresent, yet insist that people need to go to church to talk to him, that its possible to be lead away from him and become lost, and that the word of God is contained only within the bible.
50. You prefer to see things in terms of black and white, where an action is either right or wrong, an idea is either true or false, and a religion is either correct or incorrect.
51. You think that the financial success of The Passion of the Christ is an indication that Christianity is the one true faith.
52. You act as a spokesperson of God and claim that your interpretation is the correct one, but when backed into a corner you claim God is beyond our understanding.
53. You claim that your religion must be correct because of how old it is, but that your denomination must be correct because of how new it is.
54. You think Christianity has a monopoly on truth, morality, and anything pertaining to spirituality.
55. You believe that without God there would be no basis for morality.
56. You use the argument from incredulity to defend the argument from design, the acts of violence in the bible, and the idea that everyone who isnt a Christian will burn in hell forever. Yeah well Id like to see you come up with something better! etc.
57. You point to gaps in modern scientific knowledge and say that science doesnt have all the answers, yet whenever you need to explain how something happened you throw up your hands and say goddidit.
58. You scoff at theories that infer that the energy making up the universe may have always existed, even though you have no problem believing that God has always existed.
59. You think that the purpose of designing something is to make it as complex as possible; so long as it works more often than not who cares?
60. When all else fails you try to defend the argument from design by suggesting that the design was meant to be artistic in nature.
Biblical Interpretation:
61. You consider blasphemous the theory that Jesus was married with children in accordance with Jewish tradition, because after all we cant have a god impregnating a human and producing offspring
62. You think that the post-mortem deification of Jesus is explicitly stated in the bible.
63. You read literal or prophetic meaning into verses which were most likely poems written by bards, minstrels, and musicians.
64. You focus on the literalism of fables such as Noahs Ark rather than on the lessons such stories were trying to teach.
65. You are perfectly willing to ignore the OT except when it comes to such idiocy as original sin, the Ten Commandments, and the mosaic laws pertaining to homosexuality.
66. You cherry pick said verses about homosexuality out of Leviticus, while ignoring the part about it being punishable by death and dismissing the rest of the Levitical laws as outdated.
67. You think that the doctrine of the holy trinity is biblically based.
68. You think that someones hallucinogenic dream about events that have already happened is a prediction of the end of the world.
69. You think that vague or post facto prophecies prove the bibles legitimacy, even though anyone can make a prophecy and be right provided there is no exact time or location.
70. You think that a deity, who violates his own laws, plays favorites, routinely changes his mind, and who acts on emotional satisfaction, is a source of objective morality.
71. You think that a deity, who inflicts eternal punishment for finite sins and thought crimes, punishes people for the actions of others, and uses capital punishment for nearly everything else, is infinitely just.
72. You think that the bible, which advocates polygamy, sex slavery, incest, rape, and spousal abuse, should be a model for family values and sexual morality.
73. You defend biblical acts of violence by claiming that it was self-defense, even though the bible clearly says that the Israelites massacred peaceful tribes.
74. You defend the plagues of Egypt by pointing to the enslavement of the Israelites, even though the Israelites themselves practiced their own cruel form of slavery.
75. You defend the historicity of the bible even though it was never meant to be a history text.
76. You believe that the bible should be used as a science textbook even though it was never intended for that either.
77. You focus almost entirely on the way Jesus died, saying that the most important thing he did was to die for our sins, rather than focusing on what he said or did while he was alive.
78. You dont think there are any contradictions in the bible, other than a few typos or copyist errors.
79. You actually believe that God is love just because it said so in the bible.
80. You blame Satan for everything bad that happens in the bible or otherwise, even though its Yahweh himself who orders or carries out about 99% of the evil acts in the bible.
History / Politics:
81. You gleefully point to the fact that Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot were atheists and claim that their mass murders were done in the name of atheism, ignoring the fact that they were communists.
82. You also ignore the fact that Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot were totalitarian dictators, which would mean they had more in common with Christian dictators and warlords who carried out atrocities in the name of their religion.
83. You think atheism had something to do with the fall of the Soviet Union, while overlooking economic factors and a little incident called the Cold War.
84. You think that just because Hitler wasnt a Christian means that Christianity didnt play any role in what he did, and you overlook the fact that Final Solution author Heinrich Himmler was Catholic and Nazi Germany was predominantly Christian.
85. You forget that the bible was once used to justify the institution of slavery.
86. You claim to be pro-life yet you have no problem with the death penalty, the destruction of environmental regulations, and preemptive wars against non-threatening nations.
87. You actually believe that the bible supports your pro-life agenda, and that it should be used to teach children the value of human life.
88. You are vehemently opposed to euthanasia-- that is unless the patient runs out of insurance or has not had his or her case publicized.
89. You think that the most important issues of the day are gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research.
90. You trivialize the holocaust by comparing abortion rates to it.
91. You believe that human personhood begins at conception, even though there is no scientific OR biblical basis for this belief.
92. You oppose contraception AND abortion at the same time, even though the former could help prevent the latter.
93. Even if you arent a Catholic you quote the pope when he condemns abortion and same sex marriage, yet you dismiss him when he says that evolution is more than just a theory.
94. You claim that America was founded on Christian valuesalthough if you count war, conquest, cultural destruction, forcible conversion of indigenous peoples, slavery, and gender roles, then you might have a point.
95. Any politician who wears his Christian faith on his sleeve is able to sucker you in, regardless of how dishonest or insincere he may be.
96. You would never even think of voting for anyone who isnt a Christian. God forbid if an atheist should ever run for office.
97. You think that the only faith-based charities that do worthwhile work are the Christian affiliated ones.
98. You believe that the Ten Commandments ought to be the fundamental basis of law and morality in any modern civilization.
99. You oppose secularization and want to see more religion in politics, even though it was precisely the separation of church and state that allowed Christianity to thrive and gain so much influence in the US.
100. You think that the only terrorists out there are Muslim, and that there is no such thing as a Christian terrorist.