i feel like i'm just beginning to catch up from a lifetime of being held back, holding myself back, and lethargically dragging my feet. i suppose it's true that we addicts are like children that never got the chance to mature into healthy adults. it's as if all of the spiritual messages that i've heard my whole life but only on the most surface of ( Read more... )

yesterday i ran into a qualifier of mine. i knew it was coming; i'd had a dream about her sunday or monday, then saw her ride by on her scooter tuesday. i took inventory of my feelings and asked myself how i would deal with it when i eventually ran into her...if i felt ready or capable of having that confrontation. wednesday i got off the bus at ( Read more... )

life has been good but hard recently. since pride week my anxiety has been through the roof...at least once a day i border on a panic attack. for this reason i've started going to meetings once a day again, despite my overwhelming work schedule and lack of time. it seems like i grow in sudden spurts, with longer periods of feeling plateued or ( Read more... )

yesterday i had a personal revelation that i felt i wanted to share.
i'm in a twelve-step program and so have been studying psychology and 'family of origin' stuff intensely. 'family of origin' work involves tracing your patterns back to learned behavior from the people who raised you, those you had the most contact with in your crucially ( Read more... )

it's gay pride weekend so it's now been exactly a year since all this love addiction shit blew up in my face. no wonder i've been having tremendous anxiety and panic attacks all week, feeling like my body and mind are in a constant state of alarm. i guess emotional memory is kinda like muscle memory except it's bound more tightly by cyclical time.
( Read more... )

i am having to accept that i am not perfect and nobody else is either. i'm trying to accept that i will never be. all i can do is my best, along with everyone else.

why is it that whenever the image of a face appears on an enchillada or the side of a tree people jump to the idea that it's jesus or mary? why don't they just marvel at it...oh it kinda ( Read more... )

i struggle with rage in my recovery. it haunts me. it nips at my heels like evil, disembodied spirits across moonlit, dewy fields; it climbs into my mind like a murderer through an open window and wrings my brainstem in it's calloused claws. someone once wrote that depression is anger turned inward on oneself, and i have been depressed for much of ( Read more... )

i cycle through feeling pity for her or feeling nothing for her and wanting to put my fist through her like a break-board. repugnant. repulsive. pathetic. weak. some of the words that come to mind alongside her face, and these days i analyze every feeling. why do i hate and fear her so much?
someone once said that an unexamined life is not worth ( Read more... )

...the dykes win the penant! the dykes win!   (crowd goes wild)

yesterday i played hooky from work and went to the 'colossal fossils" dinosaur exhibit. starting with a double i'm working on sunday i'm not getting a day off for ten days, and while i hated to inconvenience my co-workers i just really felt like i needed a fun "me" day, a mental-health day. when i got home last night i knelt down to pray before bed ( Read more... )