Don't Go Far Off, Not Even for a Day
rating: R
summary: May your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
disclaimer: Yep.
a/n: for sarrni_korppi ♥ I started this so long ago, I don't even remember what lyrics I used. I know there was a mix of Tegan & Sara, Coldplay, Stars, and other artists I'm forgetting. Title, summary, cut text, and quote are taken from Neruda's Don't Go Far Off, Not Even For A Day.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
When Adam makes it through the auditioning process, Brad knows they ought to be celebrating. Instead, he gets a text, saying, “Made it. :)” He automatically texts back a congratulations, but other than that, he cleans, gets himself a beer, and watches Chelsea Lately.
He’s not being unsupportive, he tells himself, laughing as Chelsea takes another gay jibe at Jo Koy. They’ll go out when he gets back. He has a life that revolves around things other than Adam, is what he says over and over in his head. Maybe he pretends not to notice the next text Adam sends him. Maybe he turns the volume up a little higher.
Maybe he’s not really listening, just laughing along with the crowd.
Maybe he’s just a little disappointed.
*
While it can seem so hard now
I got a feeling we ain't meant to live this way.
When Adam comes home, Brad forgets about victory celebrations and spends his hours demanding that Adam take down all their pictures from his social networking accounts.
“At least, lock the damn pages,” he snaps when Adam stares at him pointedly.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Adam half-scoffs, half-laughs.
“No, you’re being ridiculous,” he retorts. “I’m being logical.”
“I don’t have anything to hide!”
“It’s not just you!” he says through gritted teeth.
Adam stares at him incredulously. “Are you-Are you ashamed or something?”
“Yes, Adam,” he answers dryly. “I’m so fucking ashamed of you because I tagged myself in those pictures.”
“You’re overreacting.” Adam forces a laugh, and he knows-he knows-it’s to lighten the mood, but he’s already fuming, and there isn’t anything Adam can do or say right now to fix that.
Brad scowls. “I wish you’d never gone to that fucking audition,” he says before he can stop himself.
Adam hides it well enough that momentarily, Brad questions if Adam even heard him.
*
Things haven’t been going well. They’ve been arguing over absolutely nothing, and neither will admit it. In the end, Brad just huffs in annoyance, folding his arms over his chest as Adam’s grip on the steering wheel tightens and tightens.
When the car stops in front of Brad’s apartment, Brad slams the door behind him without so much as a backward glance. Adam calls after him twice, but Brad ignores him. Once he’s inside, though, he stands in front of his door, peering through his peephole until Adam drives away.
*
We seem so lost and jaded
Well what a price to pay
Fear can't be overstated,
And you seem infatuated
With finding who's to blame.
He’s not as drunk as he pretends to be when Cassidy throws him onto the bed. He laughs, breathless, working his fingers under the hem of Cassidy’s shirt.
“We shouldn’t,” Cassidy half-moans against the side of his jaw.
“We shouldn’t,” he agrees.
They make quick work of their clothes, and the sex is hard and fast and brutal and don’tstopdon’tstop.
Brad comes with a silent gasp, his head rolling back onto the sheets as Cassidy thrusts once, twice, three times, and stills, chanting, “Oh God,” over and over until the shaking passes.
They lie there, trying to catch their breath, and Brad just wonders when the guilt is going to set in. As if on cue, Cassidy turns his head and asks, “Are you and Adam still-”
“Yes,” Brad answers truthfully, curling up against him.
“Oh.”
“You can tell him,” he says. “You can tell Adam.”
Cassidy looks panicked. “I-I don’t think-I mean-”
“It’s not like he’ll care,” he scoffs bitterly.
Cassidy doesn’t answer.
“How long have we been friends, Cassidy?” Brad asks quietly, his breath hot against the other’s neck. Cassidy shudders, his fingers, digging into Brad’s hips. It’s not an answer.
Not that Brad needs one. Cassidy knows that.
“How long have we been friends, Cassie?” he asks again, and it’s oh-so-subtle the way he slips in that pet name from so long ago that Cassidy has to look away. Brad smiles, but it’s more a disappointed curve of the lips than anything. Cassidy hates that.
“Fuck,” Cassidy exhales. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah,” Brad hums, dropping his gaze. “You never do.”
*
I have to go
Yes, I know the feeling
Know you're leaving
As optimistic as he is, Brad is a realist. He knows Adam is content-happy even with their relationship, but he also knows that every day, Adam has to fight a little harder to stay committed. He trusts Adam, but Brad knows it’s for the best that he lets Adam go.
He pats Adam’s back awkwardly as he’s enveloped in a tight hug. Brad can’t tell if Adam’s upset or relieved. “I love you,” Adam whispers, and it sounds desperate, pleading. Brad falters slightly, forgetting momentarily, why he’s doing this. “Me too,” he answers, burying his nose in the crook of Adam’s neck. But then, Adam’s letting go, saying that he’ll always be here for Brad, no matter what, but he’s walking away, and Brad can’t help but feel angry. He wants to run after Adam, shake him, demand that he stop being so goddamn sympathetic.
He wants Adam to ask him to stay, but Adam doesn’t. Adam’s gone, without so much as a tear, and Brad doesn’t know what he wants anymore.
He locks himself in the bathroom when he gets home, grabbing his towel from the rack and biting into it. He screams, screams until his throat raw, until he’s nauseous and sobbing. He doesn’t know when he slides to the floor, only that he does. His back presses against the cold door, and he closes his eyes, breathing deep. It isn’t fair, but Brad learned a long time ago that most things in life aren’t.
*
Follow the sound of my heartbeat now
I'm in the room at the top
You're at the end of the line
“We broke up,” he says flatly.
He hears Cassidy sigh on the other end. “You’re okay?”
“Of course. Takes more than heartbreak to knock a good Cheeks down.”
“Cheeks-Brad, seriously, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m drinking myself into oblivion.”
“Brad!” Cassidy says sharply, alarmed.
“God, chill, Cass, I don’t even have any alcohol left in the house so I’m left to drown myself in hot chocolate.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So.”
“Mmhmm. Night, Cass.”
“Wait! Brad, don’t-”
*
He figures he’s coping-going out for drinks and a rebound.
“So stranger, what’s your name?” he asks, grinning invitingly.
The man-tall, rugged, and perfect-eyes him, head to toe, and smirks. “Adam,” he answers.
Brad laughs. “No, seriously.”
Adam raises his eyebrows. “I am serious.”
It must be some cruel cosmic joke, Brad thinks. Maybe his planets are out of whack. Maybe that mercury retrograde thing affects humans as well.
He needs a better chakra aligner, is what’s up.
*
I can say it, but you won’t believe me
You say you do, but you don’t deceive me.
He’s about thisclose to taking this guy home. Thisclose.
But no. Cassidy has to choose that time to come over, take a look at the two, and, smiling innocently, but if he could just borrow Brad for a moment?
“Cass, I swear to God,” Brad begins as calmly as he can before they’ve even taken two steps. “If you cockblock me tonight, I will shank your piano.”
Cassidy has the ego to laugh.
Brad glares at him. “Go fuck yourself, Cass,” he snaps and stalks off.
“Brad!” Cass shouts over the music, but Brad’s gone.
*
Cassidy can’t quite believe he’s doing this, but he figures it’s about damn time he swallowed his pride and made a fool out of himself in the name of love. And by love, he means friendship, of course.
“Look,” he says when Brad refuses to open the door for him. “I know you’re pissed, and I’m sorry I cock-blocked you, but you know it wouldn’t have been great because I know you’re still upset about Adam, and sex is never good when you’re upset. And really, Brad? Of all the rebounds you could’ve chosen, you pick the guy with the same name as your ex?
“And I know, Adam’s my friend, too. You two had your problems, and I’m also sorry that I added to them, but I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
Brad’s snort is more than audible through the door, and Cassidy has to smile, despite himself.
“I’m serious, you two are great friends, and I don’t want you trying to hurt him just because you’re angry, just like I wouldn’t want him to hurt you.
“And you’re probably going ‘Get the fuck out already,’ but I won’t. Why? Because, you dick, there’s this contract called ‘Friendship’ that I signed, and it said to be there no matter what. So…I’m here.”
The door opens, and Brad stares at him, just stares and stares as though Cassidy is some mythical creature that’s turned up on his doorstep, demanding to be put into the nearest zoo.
“And it’d be cool if you said something,” Cassidy adds timidly.
Brad blinks. “Did you just call me a dick?”
*
If you love me
Won’t you let me know?
If anyone asks, Brad swears he only let Cassidy in his house that night because Cassidy was a loud and persistent drunk. Which is funny, Cassidy often argues, because he remembers, quite soberly thank you, that he wasn’t drunk, and that it was Brad who had done most of the shouting. This is when Brad will just roll his eyes and call Cassidy an idiot, because Cassidy is one.
That usually spirals into another argument, because hello, Cassidy was totally the one who instigated their little affair. Cassidy will sputter and ramble incoherently before he’ll say very loudly that Brad should be happy that Cassidy stopped him from sleeping with another Adam because that would just have been a set up for free mockery and humiliation.
But Brad will just smile sweetly and ask, “But you’d defend my honor, right?”
“Of course,” Cassidy will answer without hesitation, and their friends will roll their eyes and pretend gag even though they find the two to be rather endearing. Overbearing and bitchy at times, but endearing.
They act huffy, but everyone knows it’s just that-an act. Because they really do love each other, so much so that Adam’ll swear that they’re the cause of his most recent cavities. When someone asks how they’ve made it this far, Brad will groan while Cassidy grins.
“Don't leave me, even for an hour,” he’ll quote, putting an arm around Brad. “Because then the little drops of anguish will all run together. The smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me, choking my lost heart.”
Brad will roll his eyes. “You’re so dramatic,” he always says, but then he smiles-smiles his Cassidy smile, the one that says “You’re impossible” and “I love you” in equal amounts.
summary: May your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
disclaimer: Yep.
a/n: for sarrni_korppi ♥ I started this so long ago, I don't even remember what lyrics I used. I know there was a mix of Tegan & Sara, Coldplay, Stars, and other artists I'm forgetting. Title, summary, cut text, and quote are taken from Neruda's Don't Go Far Off, Not Even For A Day.
I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
When Adam makes it through the auditioning process, Brad knows they ought to be celebrating. Instead, he gets a text, saying, “Made it. :)” He automatically texts back a congratulations, but other than that, he cleans, gets himself a beer, and watches Chelsea Lately.
He’s not being unsupportive, he tells himself, laughing as Chelsea takes another gay jibe at Jo Koy. They’ll go out when he gets back. He has a life that revolves around things other than Adam, is what he says over and over in his head. Maybe he pretends not to notice the next text Adam sends him. Maybe he turns the volume up a little higher.
Maybe he’s not really listening, just laughing along with the crowd.
Maybe he’s just a little disappointed.
*
While it can seem so hard now
I got a feeling we ain't meant to live this way.
When Adam comes home, Brad forgets about victory celebrations and spends his hours demanding that Adam take down all their pictures from his social networking accounts.
“At least, lock the damn pages,” he snaps when Adam stares at him pointedly.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Adam half-scoffs, half-laughs.
“No, you’re being ridiculous,” he retorts. “I’m being logical.”
“I don’t have anything to hide!”
“It’s not just you!” he says through gritted teeth.
Adam stares at him incredulously. “Are you-Are you ashamed or something?”
“Yes, Adam,” he answers dryly. “I’m so fucking ashamed of you because I tagged myself in those pictures.”
“You’re overreacting.” Adam forces a laugh, and he knows-he knows-it’s to lighten the mood, but he’s already fuming, and there isn’t anything Adam can do or say right now to fix that.
Brad scowls. “I wish you’d never gone to that fucking audition,” he says before he can stop himself.
Adam hides it well enough that momentarily, Brad questions if Adam even heard him.
*
Things haven’t been going well. They’ve been arguing over absolutely nothing, and neither will admit it. In the end, Brad just huffs in annoyance, folding his arms over his chest as Adam’s grip on the steering wheel tightens and tightens.
When the car stops in front of Brad’s apartment, Brad slams the door behind him without so much as a backward glance. Adam calls after him twice, but Brad ignores him. Once he’s inside, though, he stands in front of his door, peering through his peephole until Adam drives away.
*
We seem so lost and jaded
Well what a price to pay
Fear can't be overstated,
And you seem infatuated
With finding who's to blame.
He’s not as drunk as he pretends to be when Cassidy throws him onto the bed. He laughs, breathless, working his fingers under the hem of Cassidy’s shirt.
“We shouldn’t,” Cassidy half-moans against the side of his jaw.
“We shouldn’t,” he agrees.
They make quick work of their clothes, and the sex is hard and fast and brutal and don’tstopdon’tstop.
Brad comes with a silent gasp, his head rolling back onto the sheets as Cassidy thrusts once, twice, three times, and stills, chanting, “Oh God,” over and over until the shaking passes.
They lie there, trying to catch their breath, and Brad just wonders when the guilt is going to set in. As if on cue, Cassidy turns his head and asks, “Are you and Adam still-”
“Yes,” Brad answers truthfully, curling up against him.
“Oh.”
“You can tell him,” he says. “You can tell Adam.”
Cassidy looks panicked. “I-I don’t think-I mean-”
“It’s not like he’ll care,” he scoffs bitterly.
Cassidy doesn’t answer.
“How long have we been friends, Cassidy?” Brad asks quietly, his breath hot against the other’s neck. Cassidy shudders, his fingers, digging into Brad’s hips. It’s not an answer.
Not that Brad needs one. Cassidy knows that.
“How long have we been friends, Cassie?” he asks again, and it’s oh-so-subtle the way he slips in that pet name from so long ago that Cassidy has to look away. Brad smiles, but it’s more a disappointed curve of the lips than anything. Cassidy hates that.
“Fuck,” Cassidy exhales. “I don’t know.”
“Yeah,” Brad hums, dropping his gaze. “You never do.”
*
I have to go
Yes, I know the feeling
Know you're leaving
As optimistic as he is, Brad is a realist. He knows Adam is content-happy even with their relationship, but he also knows that every day, Adam has to fight a little harder to stay committed. He trusts Adam, but Brad knows it’s for the best that he lets Adam go.
He pats Adam’s back awkwardly as he’s enveloped in a tight hug. Brad can’t tell if Adam’s upset or relieved. “I love you,” Adam whispers, and it sounds desperate, pleading. Brad falters slightly, forgetting momentarily, why he’s doing this. “Me too,” he answers, burying his nose in the crook of Adam’s neck. But then, Adam’s letting go, saying that he’ll always be here for Brad, no matter what, but he’s walking away, and Brad can’t help but feel angry. He wants to run after Adam, shake him, demand that he stop being so goddamn sympathetic.
He wants Adam to ask him to stay, but Adam doesn’t. Adam’s gone, without so much as a tear, and Brad doesn’t know what he wants anymore.
He locks himself in the bathroom when he gets home, grabbing his towel from the rack and biting into it. He screams, screams until his throat raw, until he’s nauseous and sobbing. He doesn’t know when he slides to the floor, only that he does. His back presses against the cold door, and he closes his eyes, breathing deep. It isn’t fair, but Brad learned a long time ago that most things in life aren’t.
*
Follow the sound of my heartbeat now
I'm in the room at the top
You're at the end of the line
“We broke up,” he says flatly.
He hears Cassidy sigh on the other end. “You’re okay?”
“Of course. Takes more than heartbreak to knock a good Cheeks down.”
“Cheeks-Brad, seriously, are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I’m drinking myself into oblivion.”
“Brad!” Cassidy says sharply, alarmed.
“God, chill, Cass, I don’t even have any alcohol left in the house so I’m left to drown myself in hot chocolate.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So.”
“Mmhmm. Night, Cass.”
“Wait! Brad, don’t-”
*
He figures he’s coping-going out for drinks and a rebound.
“So stranger, what’s your name?” he asks, grinning invitingly.
The man-tall, rugged, and perfect-eyes him, head to toe, and smirks. “Adam,” he answers.
Brad laughs. “No, seriously.”
Adam raises his eyebrows. “I am serious.”
It must be some cruel cosmic joke, Brad thinks. Maybe his planets are out of whack. Maybe that mercury retrograde thing affects humans as well.
He needs a better chakra aligner, is what’s up.
*
I can say it, but you won’t believe me
You say you do, but you don’t deceive me.
He’s about thisclose to taking this guy home. Thisclose.
But no. Cassidy has to choose that time to come over, take a look at the two, and, smiling innocently, but if he could just borrow Brad for a moment?
“Cass, I swear to God,” Brad begins as calmly as he can before they’ve even taken two steps. “If you cockblock me tonight, I will shank your piano.”
Cassidy has the ego to laugh.
Brad glares at him. “Go fuck yourself, Cass,” he snaps and stalks off.
“Brad!” Cass shouts over the music, but Brad’s gone.
*
Cassidy can’t quite believe he’s doing this, but he figures it’s about damn time he swallowed his pride and made a fool out of himself in the name of love. And by love, he means friendship, of course.
“Look,” he says when Brad refuses to open the door for him. “I know you’re pissed, and I’m sorry I cock-blocked you, but you know it wouldn’t have been great because I know you’re still upset about Adam, and sex is never good when you’re upset. And really, Brad? Of all the rebounds you could’ve chosen, you pick the guy with the same name as your ex?
“And I know, Adam’s my friend, too. You two had your problems, and I’m also sorry that I added to them, but I don’t want either of you to get hurt.”
Brad’s snort is more than audible through the door, and Cassidy has to smile, despite himself.
“I’m serious, you two are great friends, and I don’t want you trying to hurt him just because you’re angry, just like I wouldn’t want him to hurt you.
“And you’re probably going ‘Get the fuck out already,’ but I won’t. Why? Because, you dick, there’s this contract called ‘Friendship’ that I signed, and it said to be there no matter what. So…I’m here.”
The door opens, and Brad stares at him, just stares and stares as though Cassidy is some mythical creature that’s turned up on his doorstep, demanding to be put into the nearest zoo.
“And it’d be cool if you said something,” Cassidy adds timidly.
Brad blinks. “Did you just call me a dick?”
*
If you love me
Won’t you let me know?
If anyone asks, Brad swears he only let Cassidy in his house that night because Cassidy was a loud and persistent drunk. Which is funny, Cassidy often argues, because he remembers, quite soberly thank you, that he wasn’t drunk, and that it was Brad who had done most of the shouting. This is when Brad will just roll his eyes and call Cassidy an idiot, because Cassidy is one.
That usually spirals into another argument, because hello, Cassidy was totally the one who instigated their little affair. Cassidy will sputter and ramble incoherently before he’ll say very loudly that Brad should be happy that Cassidy stopped him from sleeping with another Adam because that would just have been a set up for free mockery and humiliation.
But Brad will just smile sweetly and ask, “But you’d defend my honor, right?”
“Of course,” Cassidy will answer without hesitation, and their friends will roll their eyes and pretend gag even though they find the two to be rather endearing. Overbearing and bitchy at times, but endearing.
They act huffy, but everyone knows it’s just that-an act. Because they really do love each other, so much so that Adam’ll swear that they’re the cause of his most recent cavities. When someone asks how they’ve made it this far, Brad will groan while Cassidy grins.
“Don't leave me, even for an hour,” he’ll quote, putting an arm around Brad. “Because then the little drops of anguish will all run together. The smoke that roams looking for a home will drift into me, choking my lost heart.”
Brad will roll his eyes. “You’re so dramatic,” he always says, but then he smiles-smiles his Cassidy smile, the one that says “You’re impossible” and “I love you” in equal amounts.