Leave You Blind
Title: Leave You Blind
Rating: M
Characters: Michael/Jin
Word count: 617
Summary: Michael piles up his collateral damage. Set post "Collision"
Notes: written for queen crickets at the 2010 Lost Luau at lostsquee who requested Alt-pairing: Michael/Jin.
Disclaimer: Lost ain't mine.
Michael’s never been sure of himself. Even when he gets exactly what he wants, the terror that he will do something wrong, that he will mess everything up, is more overwhelming than he can say. His entire life is a series of second thoughts and misunderstandings.
The woman falls in love with him, and then she runs away.
His boy is placed in his care (at last), and then he is pulled away screaming.
The phrase “not your fault” is thrown at him at every step and he accepts it, though not one of those condolences is enough to quell the urge to raze the forest to the ground. To take what he wants, to do whatever it takes. In his dreams, (dreams, not nightmares, the ones always filled with that terrified face and the roar of an outboard motor) he is a conquistador and he knows all the answers. The things he desires come easy and there are never any mistakes.
Really, what Michael is looking for is a bit of forgiveness. (Or is it gratification? Again, he’s never sure.)
So like any good conquistador, he picks what he wants, sets his sights on it. Most of them forget that Michael can be aggressive when he wants. He can’t help but feel a little predatory as he watches Jin go about his routine. Michael asks him to go into the jungle with him, the menial task he made up on the spot rolling off his tongue effortlessly, punctuated with a bit of a smile. Of course, Jin agrees. They wander off, quickly enveloped by lush, green shadows.
Only one of them is surprised when Michael places his hands on Jin’s face, a bit too roughly, his palms resting against the sharp curve of his cheekbones. Their eyes meet for a millisecond before they come together, lips meeting so hard that Michael swears he sees a faint bruise under Jin’s lip the next day.
The first time, Michael takes what he wants, but he’s not cruel. There’s a lot of fumbling and a lot of apologies. Dirt gets under their nails. Michael knows that there is etiquette- he should be asking Jin if he’s hurting him. But he keeps his mouth shut, enjoying every second of it. There is so much wonder in the little things- the faint traces of red against Jin’s skin left by Michael’s fingers, the splashing of freckles on his face that he never noticed before.
They both come eventually, muffling their cries with their hands. This is a risk, in more ways than one.
Only one of them is surprised when there is a second time. Things are slower, gentler and Michael forfeits his control.
The nagging guilt is never addressed. The Korean word for infidelity is rather ugly, and sometimes Michael remembers how many hours its been since last he saw his child.
Instead, diversions. Michael gazes at Jin’s body, a forest of sharp corners. He would never have imagined this man, cut like glass, running his tongue over his altogether unremarkable body.
Eventually, he wonders what he’s done to deserve this and knows that before long, he will do something to ruin it. Either way, it would end. You can’t be a good father and a conquistador at the same time.
His fingers tangle in soft, black hair, trying to keep the sadness from his face. Jin lays his head against Michael’s chest and mumbles something in Korean, his voice so devastatingly tender that, for once, Michael is glad he can’t understand.
They kiss one last time, and Michael leaves Jin in the forest, still buttoning his shirt.
Eventually, he runs off into the jungle with a gun.