Bleurgh and a bit of a friends rant

[gina_r_snape]

Well I took this week off work to get some academic work done. But I've been feeling painfully bleurgh. I caught something from someone at work and have been left flat out for days. It's a cold, but not a full-on phlegmy lurgy type situation. Tired. Achey. Not sleeping well. Sore throat. Cough, but not a productive cough. It's meant there is little

Comments

[iddewes]

I haven't had that because I moved to another country, but one of Dirk's friends basically dropped him after he got together with me, and before I moved here kept trying to put Dirk off me, even suggesting I was coming to Germany to get German benefits! He was actually married himself but he seemed to want Dirk to stay single so he could phone him whenever he wanted to moan about his marriage basically! It was really bizarre and he broke contact with Dirk completely not long after I moved here. His wife was happy for Dirk! :p

[gina_r_snape]

Gosh. That's downright evil.

And it sounds like an odd, unhappy marriage!

[iddewes]

I never met them so I don't know what they seemed like together. D said she was a pleasant person but I suspect the friend felt a bit emasculated because she had a better job than him and they lived in a flat owned by her parents. So that could have something to do with it. I don't know. Definitely an odd duck anyway. He'd always had a tendency to get the hump if Dirk didn't follow advice he gave him too apparently. But it really seemed like he just wanted D to remain his single buddy. D had been single for a really long time before he met me so I guess he thought that wouldn't change.

[gina_r_snape]

Well I was reacting to the fact that he relished D for being a receptacle for his negativity on his marriage. And then to have his wife disagree and wish you well was an amusing turn.

Clearly D made the right choice in picking you over the friend! :)

[cmcmck]

I know what you mean.

I have a little sympathy, because the people who most want me to be single for a night usually aren't themselves married or are ex married and I know single folks can feel excluded!

Mind you, I had married friends when I was single myself.

[gina_r_snape]

I to had married friends when I was single. In fact, I share mutual friends and will think "Gee, do you ask so-and-so to pretend to be single for a night?" And the answer is no, of course, because they always knew that person as married. So it's a matter of getting used to me having a somewhat different lifestyle now.

And I know it doesn't feel good to be made to feel like a third wheel. But I hardly think T and I do that, mostly because we were friends first and hung out together with all the same people before!

[cmcmck]

Exactly, and thinking about it, we have more than a few single friends.

[lookfar]

The thing is, if their fantasy was that this person was your most important person in the world, or at least if you never did anything to take their secret fantasy away, then getting married is going to be a real affront to them. And sadly, people do become secondary to the primary person. It's life. If it weren't going to happen, why would one get married?

[rayvyn2k]

I learned a long time ago that if I want to hang out with my friends who have kids, you figure out a way to hang out with them with their kids.

Your friends need to learn this, but with their married friends. Because, seriously, do they actually expect you to make plans without telling/discussing with your spouse? Seriously?

I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly.

[gina_r_snape]

Yes, and the only thing for it is not to waiver. I held firm with my friend who tried to push me to "just say yes."

[fidelioscabinet]

For one thing, when one pulls that on one' spouse, it opens up the door for them to make plans without checking with you. That way, in case you had doubts, leads to constant confusion and hurt feelings.

I'll bet you didn't have doubts, did you?

Sympathies for the lurgy. May it pass, soon.

[gina_r_snape]

Hahaha too true!

I have no doubts when it comes to me and T-Rex. :)

And, thank y-achooo!

[dickgloucester]

I have experienced this very thing from one friend, who eventually confessed to me that she was painfully jealous of all her friends who had settled into stable relationships, and the jealousy was so great that when they started having children, she cut them out of her life. This was just before she cut me out of her life - just when I could have done with the friendship of someone who wasn't completely tied down by children. A tale for another time.

It seems to me that these friends are caught in the egotism/narcissism that develops in the long-term relationship-challenged. Perhaps it's their inability to understand what a relationship entails that means they are impatient of yours and unable to build such relationships themselves.

I hope - it these are people you wish to keep in your life - that you will be able to sort things out with them in such a way that your friendships will evolve. *hugs*

[gina_r_snape]

Interesting. I had one friend who admitted to jealousy and as a result almost didn't come to our wedding. And I thanked her for processing that with me. She did eventually come to terms, and come to the wedding.

I had another friend who became unreasonable whenever I talked about any of my relationships, and moreso when it became clear that T-Rex and I were really making it work. I didn't even bother inviting that person to the wedding because at that point I decided I don't need that kind of negativity. So it goes both ways.

I'm sorry you lost your friend. And I suspect you are spot on in terms of inability to understand for one of these friends in particular. The other is in a relationship that is just shy of real commitment and claims the situation is perfectly suiting. But one toe in, one toe out is not how I choose to live.

No doubt the friendships will either evolve or dissolve. But that is the way in life. Thanks :)