Bleurgh and a bit of a friends rant
Well I took this week off work to get some academic work done. But I've been feeling painfully bleurgh. I caught something from someone at work and have been left flat out for days. It's a cold, but not a full-on phlegmy lurgy type situation. Tired. Achey. Not sleeping well. Sore throat. Cough, but not a productive cough. It's meant there is little by way of higher order executive thinking skills.
I called my doctor and he sent me to the lab for a CBC. I just came back from getting my blood drawn, so we'll see if there are antibiotics in my future.
I had a conversation with my friend L this morning about disputes with friends and overreaching with those we care about. It got me thinking about how my life had changed in subtle ways since getting married. Or, really, since living together in a clearly stable relationship. I have one friend who, whenever she asks about getting together, will say to me "Can't you just pretend your single for one day/afternoon/evening and come out with me?" I don't really know what that means. L suggested asking this person "What does that mean, exactly? Cruising for guys? Soliciting for a date? Taking off my wedding band?" I'm pretty sure it just means "come out with me and let's hang out one-on-one without T-Rex." But there's a very obvious hint of "I miss the level of availability you used to have in hanging out for hours on end when we were first friends."
I have another friend with whom getting together can be difficult because our hours tend to conflict. His job doesn't really take off until after 5pm, so going to dinner usually means after 7pm. But now that I live further uptown, going to dinner at our old usual places would put me home so late I would be exhausted the next day. So he asked about getting together Saturday night after Shabbat and eating at a vegan place not far from me. This was a fine idea, but of course I needed to check first with T-Rex. This friend, in a similar vein to the other friend, pushed me to "just make plans. Just say yes. Why do you have to wait for T-Rex to respond?" I explained that we are a team and confer with one another before making plans. But this person wanted the instant satisfaction of a 'yes' answer that essentially was for his benefit and in its own way screamed "Pretend you're single for one night."
It seems like these two friends, who both bemoan the state of their relationship status to various extents, want to hang out with my so badly that they want me to reciprocate at the expense of my own relationship. But it goes beyond basic selfishness. When I think about it, it's their annoyance at my seeming lack of availability because they miss me AND this tangible desire to turn back the clock on my life. I know people often complain how their friends go off and get married and they aren't the same anymore. And this is certainly true when people have children. Children require you completely change your life to revolve around them because that's what children need. And I think of more people considered how life changing having children really is, not everyone who has one or more would have them. Of course, there are people who want those life changing experiences and can't have them for a variety of reasons, but I digress. I learned a long time ago that if I want to hang out with my friends who have kids, you figure out a way to hang out with them with their kids.
The point is, my life has changed in a number of ways. And being married has only changed one aspect of it. Because we are not attached-at-the-hip. I am tired from a longer commute. I've spent the greater part of a year setting up my home and working on academic stuff. My job has had periods of extreme stressfulness. I enjoy the company of my husband, but that doesn't mean I block everyone else out. But it also doesn't mean I will drop the foundations of my relationship stability for the convenience of an impatient friend who longs to get together.
Well, that was very wordy and I don't expect this to generate much comment as I'm not terribly active here. But it felt good to get off my chest. Now if only this infection would do the same.
I called my doctor and he sent me to the lab for a CBC. I just came back from getting my blood drawn, so we'll see if there are antibiotics in my future.
I had a conversation with my friend L this morning about disputes with friends and overreaching with those we care about. It got me thinking about how my life had changed in subtle ways since getting married. Or, really, since living together in a clearly stable relationship. I have one friend who, whenever she asks about getting together, will say to me "Can't you just pretend your single for one day/afternoon/evening and come out with me?" I don't really know what that means. L suggested asking this person "What does that mean, exactly? Cruising for guys? Soliciting for a date? Taking off my wedding band?" I'm pretty sure it just means "come out with me and let's hang out one-on-one without T-Rex." But there's a very obvious hint of "I miss the level of availability you used to have in hanging out for hours on end when we were first friends."
I have another friend with whom getting together can be difficult because our hours tend to conflict. His job doesn't really take off until after 5pm, so going to dinner usually means after 7pm. But now that I live further uptown, going to dinner at our old usual places would put me home so late I would be exhausted the next day. So he asked about getting together Saturday night after Shabbat and eating at a vegan place not far from me. This was a fine idea, but of course I needed to check first with T-Rex. This friend, in a similar vein to the other friend, pushed me to "just make plans. Just say yes. Why do you have to wait for T-Rex to respond?" I explained that we are a team and confer with one another before making plans. But this person wanted the instant satisfaction of a 'yes' answer that essentially was for his benefit and in its own way screamed "Pretend you're single for one night."
It seems like these two friends, who both bemoan the state of their relationship status to various extents, want to hang out with my so badly that they want me to reciprocate at the expense of my own relationship. But it goes beyond basic selfishness. When I think about it, it's their annoyance at my seeming lack of availability because they miss me AND this tangible desire to turn back the clock on my life. I know people often complain how their friends go off and get married and they aren't the same anymore. And this is certainly true when people have children. Children require you completely change your life to revolve around them because that's what children need. And I think of more people considered how life changing having children really is, not everyone who has one or more would have them. Of course, there are people who want those life changing experiences and can't have them for a variety of reasons, but I digress. I learned a long time ago that if I want to hang out with my friends who have kids, you figure out a way to hang out with them with their kids.
The point is, my life has changed in a number of ways. And being married has only changed one aspect of it. Because we are not attached-at-the-hip. I am tired from a longer commute. I've spent the greater part of a year setting up my home and working on academic stuff. My job has had periods of extreme stressfulness. I enjoy the company of my husband, but that doesn't mean I block everyone else out. But it also doesn't mean I will drop the foundations of my relationship stability for the convenience of an impatient friend who longs to get together.
Well, that was very wordy and I don't expect this to generate much comment as I'm not terribly active here. But it felt good to get off my chest. Now if only this infection would do the same.