New fic. Popslash/SGA.
Title: It's Like Your Hand
Rating: Adult. ish. Approximately.
Notes: 9500 words of Pop/SGA crossover crack. Here be RPS, mentions of GSF, and a host of other acronyms. Beta by terrio, who is thankfully a night owl. ;-)
You know how sometimes you write something and decide only your nearest and dearest, the ones who mock the most affectionately, will ever see it? This is that story. Except how I always post that story. Whee!
Oh, eta, this started out as a story for sga_flashfic's 'This is not happening' challenge, but then it grew and changed, so I'll have to write something else for that, because it's such a neat prompt.
"Dr. McKay?" Simpson said over the radio. "We need you in Lab C."
Rodney grunted irritably. "Can it wait?" he asked. He was watching, eagle-eyed, as Carson put a row of neat, tiny stitches into the Colonel's hand.
"It was just a little one," Sheppard said to Carson. "Ronon won't let me near any of his big knives. I think he's afraid I'll show him up."
"Oh, clearly," Rodney said. "Because you're the knife king. You sparred with the little ones for all of two minutes before you had a serious injury!"
"I really think you should come now," Simpson said. "We have, um, a situation."
Carson tsked. "Try to be more cautious in the future, Colonel." He covered the stitches with a bandage, then patted Sheppard's arm. "I don't think I'm needing to tell you how to care for these? Good. Off with you, then, and come see me if anything unusual happens."
"On my way," Rodney said to Simpson, then turned his radio off and followed Sheppard out of the infirmary. "See him if anything unusual happens. That's an open-ended invitation, don't you think?"
Sheppard grinned. "In this city? It needs to be open-ended. Remember when Hestora's paper cut--"
Rodney waved his hands. "Don't remind me," he said, shuddering. "I still can't drink milk."
They stepped into the transporter and when the doors had closed, Sheppard grinned wider, then leaned in and said, "Are you going to make us stick to that no sex when I'm injured thing?"
"Yes," Rodney said, ignoring the warmth of Sheppard's breath on his skin. "You have to learn somehow, Colonel."
"You know this is a nothing cut, though, right? I've gotten worse while buttering toast." The transporter had definitely reached its destination, but the doors weren't opening. Sheppard stepped closer to Rodney and put a hand on his arm, smiling. "Can't we ignore the rule, just this once?"
"Injury prone and stupid aren't attractive qualities, Colonel," Rodney said, although on certain people they weren't half-bad, and Sheppard's hand felt so good on his arm. He hit the door sensor and the doors slid apart sluggishly, clearly reluctant to ignore Sheppard's desire for them to stay closed, and he stepped out into the hallway.
"You never let me have any fun anymore," Sheppard said. Injury prone, stupid, petulant, and still hot. Pegasus was home to the weirdest phenomena ever.
Rodney said, "Because when I do let you have fun, you end up with seven stitches in your hand," and then opened the door to Lab C, looked inside, and closed the door again. "Colonel--tell me I didn't just see a boyband in my lab."
Sheppard frowned at him. "Tell me you didn't just recognize a boyband in less than two seconds."
"Dr. McKay?" Simpson said over the radio, sounding a little hysterical. "I know, I know--but please come back."
Rodney dropped his head into his hands and groaned, then wheeled around. "Carson," he said. "Carson, Carson, Cars--"
Sheppard had his arm. "C'mon now," he said, dragging Rodney back towards the lab. "This isn't even the most unusual thing to happen since breakfast."
"The slime in Elizabeth's office doesn't exactly compare to a boyband in Lab C, Colonel!"
"No, but the puddlejumper giving Lorne a short stack of pancakes--"
"That was weird," Rodney agreed, then he took a deep breath, shook Sheppard's hand off his arm. He said, "Okay. We've dealt with Wraith, we can deal with boybands," and strode into Lab C.
~~~~~
"I'm Justin."
"I'm Chris."
"I'm Joey."
"I'm Lance."
"I'm JC," the last one said, and they all mumbled, "And we're NSYNC."
"I'm Dr. Rodney McKay," Rodney said. "And I'm trying to figure out how to send you home, so shut up and let me work, okay?"
"I like your hair," Sheppard said to the one with black and white braids. "Did it take long to put all those in?"
"For God's sake, Sheppard, Elizabeth is not going to let you grow your hair out so you can hide knives in it." Rodney waved a soldering iron at him. "This is Atlantis, but we still follow the regulations!"
Sheppard raised an eyebrow at him. The one with the hair narrowed his eyes and said, "Atlantis?" The other one with the hair, tight and curly like a sheep's pelt, said, "This is a resort?" Rodney said, "Well, all right, so we relaxed the regulations a little--Elizabeth still knows you'd accidentally slice your own throat!" and Miko, who had been clearing her throat quietly, trying to get someone's attention, finally just yelled, "We have another problem!"
"Oh, what now?" Rodney said, turning on her, and she slipped out of range of the soldering iron, watching him warily.
"This is not just NSYNC. This is NSYNC from the past," she said. "1998. Perhaps early 1999."
Everyone stared at her, and she cleared her throat again. "I can tell by their hair," she murmured quietly, and backed further away to stand behind Simpson.
The one with the fried-blond hair blinked, then raised an eyebrow in a very John Sheppard kind of way and said, "It's January, 1999."
"The Bahamas don't have different years, like the Chinese, do they?" asked the sheep-headed one.
Rodney put down the soldering iron and closed his eyes. "This is not happening," he said calmly. "This is not happening."
"They don't," Sheppard said. "It's March, 2007. The toaster brought you from Earth and from the past? Cool."
Eight people glared at him. "What?" Sheppard said, putting his hands on his hips. "C'mon, you have to admit it's pretty interesting. It brought five people from the Earth of 1999, and it barely used any power at all? How does that work?"
"I am attempting to figure that out," Rodney said. "It would be easier, much easier, if you would all just shut up for a couple minutes. That means you, Braids! You too, Sheppard. Shut it!"
Everyone was quiet for a moment. Rodney said, "Thank you," and bent back over Miko's iPod.
Then the sheep-headed one leaned closer toward the braid-headed one and said, "So...this isn't a resort?"
"That's it! Out!" Rodney said, and herded them all towards the door.
~~~~~
"We have another problem," Elizabeth said a few hours later, when Rodney had taken the iPod apart, put it together again, taken the toaster apart, put it together, swapped some pieces between the two, had three cups of coffee and sat with his head in his hands for a moment.
He keyed his radio in. "Are they singing in the mess? Because if they are, I say just shoot them. Otherwise leave me alone, I'm working here!"
"The SGC has confirmed that all five members of NSYNC are right where they ought to be, on Earth," Elizabeth said, ignoring him. "They are the appropriate ages. Do you know what that means?"
"Do I--of course I know what that means, Elizabeth," Rodney said. "It means we've got a cloned boyband in space!"
Elizabeth was silent for a moment. "Not precisely how I'd put it, but duplicates, yes."
Rodney put his head down on the desk. "So they're not actually from Earth. I suppose that explains why it didn't drain the ZPM. Bring them to Carson," he mumbled spitefully. "Carson was just asking for this today."
"They're already there. Which has raised another interesting issue, Rodney--two of them have the gene."
Rodney groaned and banged his forehead on the tabletop. "Of course they do. But oh, please, not the braided one. Please."
"Lance Bass and JC Chasez," Elizabeth said. Then, "The bleached blond, and the thin dark-haired one."
"Does that mean we have to keep them?" Rodney asked, touching the iPod. "Can we keep just those two and send the other ones back to the MP3 where they came from?"
Elizabeth was very quiet. Rodney could feel the waves of disapproval radiating through miles of city, and sighed. "I'll be up in a moment," he said, and turned his radio off. He stood, poked the iPod one more time, and trudged out of the lab.
~~~~~
"I don't think we understand," said the blond one. "Are you trying to tell us that we're not actually ourselves? We're clones of ourselves, in another year, and another galaxy?"
"I'm afraid so," Elizabeth said, leaning forward and handing them a sheaf of photographs and news articles.
The braided one looked at the top few photos, scowled, flipped the stack over and passed it on.
"And me and JC have some gene that makes things work in the city of Atlantis. Which is in another year. And another galaxy."
"Yes."
The sheep-headed one flipped through the photographs, stopped, and said, "Holy shit--get me some scissors, man! Do you have someone here who can shave my head like that?"
"No," Rodney snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're the sheep-headed one."
"My name is Justin."
"I'm not learning your name!" Rodney said. "If we put you back, why bother? If we keep you, you're toast--I give it a year, max."
"Keep us?" said the blond, sitting up straighter. "What do you mean, keep us? You're not sending us back to Earth?"
"You've never been to Earth. Follow along, kids: you're clones. This is a top-secret project, based in another galaxy. The real you, their families, friends, fans, and sycophants can't ever know you exist. So what's going to happen, are we going to send you to Earth and trust you to live in hiding the rest of your lives?"
"Yes."
Rodney snorted, and ignored Elizabeth's quelling look. "Think again," he said. "I'm not having my career ruined because one of you can't resist trying to get a blowjob from a groupie."
Elizabeth sighed. "We can't send you back at this time," she said. "I am sorry. And we can't send you to Earth. At this juncture, it seems the only option any of us have is to make every attempt to integrate the five of you into life here, in Atlantis."
The guys stared at her in silence, then looked at each other. The tall, skinny one said, "Okay, group meeting," and they went into a huddle, heads close together, murmuring and showing each other photographs.
"Poor kids," Sheppard said, lounging back in his chair and watching them. "What? Rodney, it's not like they beamed themselves alive just to mess with your day."
"I feel bad for them," Rodney said. "I can't reverse this without killing them, and I can't make them who they really are. You tell me, how should I be treating them?"
Sheppard shook his head. "Right, I forgot that sometimes from you, sympathy looks like a death threat."
Rodney sniffed. "I was going to show you some sympathy for your poor, wounded hand, but I guess you don't need it after all, hmm?"
Sheppard smirked at him. "Well, if by sympathy you meant handjob--"
"We'll stay for a year," said the tall, skinny one as NSYNC broke out of their huddle. "And if we hate it, you'll send us to Earth, and we'll keep this whole thing a secret."
"We can keep secrets," said the braided one, tossing back his hair.
"Two years," Rodney said. "Come on, Elizabeth, they probably won't even make it two years. And maybe if they do, they'll understand why they can't ever--"
"Eighteen months," Elizabeth said, sitting back and folding her hands over her rounded belly. "And then we'll discuss the issue again."
NSYNC huddled again.
"I meant blowjob," Rodney said to Sheppard. "Too bad for you, I guess!"
"We'll take your offer," the blond one said. "We can do eighteen months."
"I'm glad," Elizabeth said, smiling. She pushed back from the table and climbed awkwardly to her feet, and everyone else stood too. "Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to take my afternoon nap. Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay, if you could show our newest residents the ropes? Find them a decent suite, I think, and see if you can't figure out where they could contribute--we'll meet again tomorrow to make arrangements."
"You got it," Sheppard said, glaring at Rodney before smiling at Elizabeth and the five nervous boybanders. "We'll get them all sorted out."
~~~~~
"Absolutely not," Rodney said, when Sheppard ushered NSYNC into the suite of rooms down the hall from their own place. "This is our tower, Colonel!"
Sheppard smiled and closed the door. "We only need the one apartment, Rodney," he said. "If they're over here, we can keep an eye on them, and be available if they need assistance."
Rodney snorted. "Or if we need to stop them from escaping, and/or sabotaging the city?"
"Something like that," Sheppard said, and turned to follow the guys on their tour through the rooms. Rodney looked at him, all charm and affability and steady watchfulness, and sighed.
"Foster parents," he muttered to himself and then said, "Hey, you! Guido! Don't touch that like that, do you want to get electrocuted?" and rushed over to make sure the kids learned how not to fry themselves on the stove.
~~~~~
Teyla took an immediate shine to the sheep-headed one.
"Isn't he a little young for you?" Rodney asked her, and she smiled at him.
"He will be an excellent negotiator," she said. "Perhaps even a member of one of the first contact teams."
Rodney looked at the kid in horror. "Teyla, he's a teenager!"
"As is Jinto, and he will become part of Lieutenant Ardenour's team in a year or so." Teyla finished stretching and rose, picked up her sticks. "Come, Rodney. Do you remember last week's lesson?"
"No," Rodney said, clambering up after her. "Does that mean I can quit?"
"No," Teyla said, and kicked his ass.
~~~~~
Ronon liked the Italian.
"He laughs," Ronon said while they were sitting around the campfire on PXL-992.
"And that's all it takes?" Rodney shook his head, bewildered. "You hardly ever laugh. And you don't laugh at him. But you like him because he laughs?"
"Yeah," Ronon said, chewing his jerky contemplatively. "My brothers laughed like him."
"Oh," Rodney said.
They watched the fire for a while. Teyla and Sheppard were patrolling, and Rodney could hear their quiet voices sometimes, whenever they were close to the campsite. The night sky was full of stars. It was barely cold at all. Rodney sighed. "More jerky?" he asked, motioning towards his plate, and Ronon smiled at him a little.
"Thanks," he said, and took the three biggest pieces, and Rodney didn't even slap his hand.
~~~~~
Elizabeth liked the tall, skinny one, who could quite often be found near Command, watching everything with intense fascination, or on one of the balconies with a notebook in his hand.
"He's a dedicated artist," Elizabeth said, then winced, pressing her hand to her belly.
"I notice you didn't say talented," Rodney said, watching her. There were times when he could almost see the babies kicking. Carson had told him that there could very well come a day when he did, which was all a little too Aliens for him, but Elizabeth seemed happy.
She caught him staring and smiled. "He sings to the girls," she said, patting where one of them had kicked. "He has a lovely voice. He's written them a few wonderful lullabies. Teyla's asked him to give voice lessons to some of the Athosian children--you know how important music is to them."
Rodney snorted. "As long as he's more useful than Braids, I don't care, really. But that's nice, the songs for the girls."
"Chris is doing very well too," Elizabeth said, shaking her head at him. "Hasn't John told you?"
"Only seven times a day since he got the gene therapy," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "He can fly a puddlejumper in a straight line--imagine! The problem isn't the artificial ATA, it's me!"
Elizabeth laughed. "I've flown with you both, Rodney. He might be able to fly in a straighter line, but he and John both make the jumpers do things I'm not sure they're designed to do." She patted his shoulder. "I'd prefer you as pilot anytime."
"You're only saying that because you still get nauseated easily," he said, but he was mollified, and went back to the labs with a spring in his step.
~~~~~
John really did like the braided one.
"He reminds me of you, sort of," he said one day while they were hiking across a forest on P6S-790, following the trail of a herd of buffalo-ish things that Teyla swore produced excellent milk. "I have to feed him regularly, make sure he doesn't get too attached to Carson's mice, or piss off the wrong people. He's afraid of heights and not lemons, though."
"I'm not afraid of lemons," Rodney said. "Beyond the ordinary, healthy fear of certain death. Not that you'd know anything about that, of course."
Sheppard grinned at him. "Today, I'm more afraid of--"
"Shit," Rodney said, looking down at his foot, which was sunk to the ankle in a pile of buffalo-thing droppings.
"Exactly," Sheppard said, and went to find him some leaves to wipe off his shoe with.
~~~~~
And the truth was that Rodney had gotten kind of attached to Lance, who split his time haunting the labs and the puddlejumper bay. He was as fascinated by his ability to turn things on as Rodney was, and never whined like John and Carson. He was obsessed with getting puddlejumpers out of orbit. He could also be a sarcastic little bitch and had scary eyebrows, so all in all he fit in pretty well.
"I could get jealous really easily," Sheppard said one day, leaning on the back of Rodney's chair, watching Rodney watch Lance, Braids and Guido goof off on the balcony outside the mess.
Rodney sniffed. "He's a baby."
"Pretty baby."
"You're still the fairest in all the land," Rodney said, tilting his head back to look at Sheppard, who smirked at him and rested a hand on the nape of his neck, kneading gently. Rodney sighed. "Hmmm. Very good. And as long as you stay off the injured list, your position as number one is assured."
Sheppard chuckled and slapped him lightly on the back of the head, then went to get his tray. "So I was thinking," he said when he came back. "Maybe the five of them could go through the gate together, with a little more training."
Rodney put down his fork. "Are you seriously asking me to consider making NSYNC a contact team for Atlantis?"
"Sure," Sheppard said, and shrugged. "They're smart enough, picking up the training really well, and three of them have the gene now. And they wouldn't be first contact--just regular missions, you know. Meet 'n greets, they call them."
"No, no and no!" Rodney said. "I can't believe you're even contemplating this! We can't send a boyband to make nice with the aliens!"
"They made nice with teenage girls," Sheppard said, digging into his rice and vegetables.
"That's--okay, I don't have anything to say to that." Rodney stabbed at his grilled whatever-beast. "But still, no!"
"Okay," Sheppard said, shrugging. "Anyway, they're going to be on the mainland tonight, and we're both off tomorrow, and I stocked up on supplies. You want to relax regulations with me?"
"Yes," Rodney said. "But only if you mean have noisy sex. I'm not braiding your hair, so just forget about it."
"Aaaw," Sheppard said, with what was frighteningly like genuine disappointment, and they bickered their way through the rest of lunch.
~~~~~
Three weeks later, Rodney stood with Sheppard on the balcony in command, and watched NSYNC go through the gate, two Marines dogging their heels, on their way to their first solo contact mission.
When they were gone, he punched Sheppard in the arm. "If I don't get that blond one back in a single, healthy piece, you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life," he said.
"Ow," Sheppard said, rubbing his arm, and then he put his hands on his hips and frowned. "They'll be fine."
"How do you not see that unleashing clone-NSYNC on the galaxy is a bad idea?" Rodney said. "Their parents are a toaster and an iPod!"
"When you put it like that, the fact that they're sleeping together seems kind of weird," Sheppard said. "But I still think they'll do great on this mission."
"Sleeping together?" Rodney said, and had to lean on the railing for a moment.
"You should go lie down," Sheppard said. "You look a little pale. Here, I'll walk you home."
He walked Rodney home, and then invited himself on Rodney's nap, with the inevitable outcome. Afterwards, when Rodney was draped across Sheppard's chest, sated and sticky, with one of Sheppard's rough hands rubbing slow circles on his back, he said, "They do this?" in a sleepy, horrified tone.
Sheppard kissed his temple. "The kids're all grown up now, Ma," he said and Rodney pinched the closest nipple, hard. Sheppard smacked his hand and slithered out of the bed, laughing.
~~~~~
They all came back in the appropriate number of pieces, and they brought with them almost a ton of supplies, ranging from dried meat to fresh grain to the soft, sturdy cloth the Sapaux were famous for producing.
"The last team couldn't even get a scrap of that stuff! What did you do, promise them your firstborn?" Rodney asked as he tagged along to their debriefing. "Did I tell you I'm not sure you should reproduce? I know Carson says it's fine but--"
Lance shrugged. "We just gave them what we brought. I don't know, it seemed like they liked us."
"No, seriously, what--did you whore yourselves out? Because that's a bad idea--Colonel Sheppard got an STD once and his penis glowed in the dark for a month!"
"Really?" the sheep-headed one asked, looking fascinated.
"No," Rodney admitted. "But he could've! It's that kind of galaxy!"
"He is going to be so mad you lied about his dick," Skinny said.
"He's not going to find out," Rodney said, glaring.
"Who's not going to find out about what?" Sheppard asked as he slipped out of the shadows in one of the side halls.
Rodney yelped, startled, and Braids laughed. "Dr. McKay was just--"
"Just telling them about what happens to people who whore themselves out for dried beef and tablecloths," Rodney snapped, upping the ferocity of his glare.
"We did good on our mission." Skinny beamed, a goofy, sweet expression that only got goofier when Sheppard gave him a pat on the back.
"Way to go, guys," he said. "See, Rodney? They returned triumphant, just like I told you they would."
"And possibly infectious," Rodney grumbled, but he couldn't be irritated when all five of them looked so pleased with themselves. And, he had to admit, mostly competent. He sniffed. "But you're alive, and that's more than I expected."
"Thanks," Lance said, rolling his eyes. "We're glad to see you, too. Do we all get to have names yet?"
"No," Rodney said, and marched into the conference room.
~~~~~
Rodney found that he couldn't stop staring at the five of them, whenever they were together. And if he needed to go into their suite, he knocked a lot and closed his eyes for a second when the door opened. And every time they came to his door, he half-expected one of them to be sobbing about a break-up, or being excluded from the orgy, or about being worn out from too many orgasms and could he please stay at Rodney and Sheppard's until he was recovered, please?
"You have a twisted mind," Sheppard said to him. They had brought NSYNC to M5J-621 because Teyla said that the Tiskel village people were as musical as the Athosians, and peaceful.
"To the people of other planets, they have always seemed aloof," she said in the briefing. "But if you bring them the gift of music, you will have their friendship forever."
"Can't we just bring them an iPod?" Rodney asked, and sighed when everyone ignored him. He still didn't like having NSYNC go off-world. It was like tempting fate, as far as he was concerned. But then, so was every mission. And who knew, if they brought an iPod to M5J-621 instead of NSYNC, maybe the Tisks would end up with a cloned Marilyn Manson or something. He could imagine how that would go over.
"I can't help it!" he said to Sheppard as they sat on a boulder by the fire in the village square, and the guys sang for the very appreciative villagers. "All five of them?"
Sheppard sighed. "I should never have mentioned it."
"No, you shouldn't have! And how did you even find out, anyway?" Rodney waited out the whistles--Tiskel applause--when NSYNC finished their song and made their way off the stage, chatting with pretty much every villager they met on the way. "Do you sit around talking about gay orgies with lots of underaged vixens, Colonel?"
"No," Sheppard said. "They're all over eighteen."
"I hate you," Rodney said, but before he could enumerate all the reasons why, NSYNC was back, sprawling on the ground around the boulder. Braids had draped himself across Lance's lap, and Lance was leaning against Guido, who had Skinny's head on his thigh. The sheep-headed one collapsed on his stomach in the middle of the pile, making the rest of them groan, and looked up at Rodney and Sheppard with a bright grin.
"We did good," he said confidently. "What do you think, everything on the list, or everything on the list plus some?"
"Plus some," Sheppard said. He nodded at Teyla and Ronon, who were handling the actual negotiations. "You can tell by how Ronon's talking. If it was just everything, he'd be hanging back, trying to do the menace thing without Teyla noticing."
The sheep-headed one snorted. "Teyla, not notice?"
"I know," Sheppard said. "But Ronon keeps trying."
Rodney pointed at them. "Last night you, Braids, and you, Skinny--I saw you making out in the mess! And now this! Are you really so, so fickle?"
"Yes," Braids said. "When we get back to Atlantis, I'm going to blow Joey, too."
"Dibs on JC!" the sheep-headed one said. Skinny grinned, all crinkled eyes and happiness.
Rodney scowled at them all. "Lance, if you--"
"Oh, don't worry about me," Lance said, running his fingers through the black and white braids spilling over his leg and smiling a little.
Rodney stared, wide-eyed, and Sheppard patted his shoulder. "Dibs on McKay," he said, and Rodney groaned.
"Did I ever give you the impression I gave you dibs on me?" he asked. "This isn't Red Rover, Colonel--"
"Please, he so has dibs," the sheep-headed one said, and Sheppard grinned.
"The boyband has made you even more incorrigible," Rodney told him, and leaned against him, just a little, while they waited for Teyla and Ronon to tell them just how much the Tisks had enjoyed their visit.
~~~~~
Elizabeth went into labor in the middle of a debriefing about their disastrous mission to P3L-499. They had lost a Marine on Lorne's team, Pasquale, and Parrish had severe burns over his hands and calves, from trying to drag Pasquale out of the fire.
Teyla sang at the memorial. NSYNC clustered around Elizabeth's bed in the suite she and Radek had chosen to be their home when the babies came, and they sang Skinny's lullabies for her and the twins.
"This is Pegasus," Sheppard said after, when he had joined Rodney, Ronon, Teyla and the guys on the balcony outside the mess. The sun was shining and the breeze was warm, but none of the guys were goofing off. Teyla gently worked a comb through the sheep-headed one's curls. Sheppard leaned against Rodney when he sat down. Rodney touched his hand, and Sheppard sighed. "Up and up and crashing down."
"We thought we could trust them," Ronon said. "Can't trust anyone."
"I can't believe that's true," Skinny said quietly.
"You don't have to believe it," Sheppard said. "Just think about Lorne, Parrish and Johnson and how they feel right now, and imagine how you'd feel in their shoes, and don't ever forget that feeling, wherever you go."
The sheep-headed one was looking at him with huge eyes. "You think like that all the time?"
"Sometimes he's worse," Rodney said. "And sometimes he thinks Back to the Future makes sense. I much prefer when he flies things, and I do the thinking."
Sheppard smacked him half-heartedly. Braids said, "The babies kind of had Radek's hair. Do you think they'll outgrow that?" and Guido tackled him, Lance, Skinny and the sheep-headed one joining in after a moment, a little more subdued than normal, but making the effort.
"Do you think they get it?" Rodney asked Sheppard, watching them roll around like puppies in the sunshine, impossibly young.
Sheppard shrugged. "No. And I hope they never do."
~~~~~
"Dr. McKay, you've got to come see what Lance did!" the sheep-headed one said as he skidded into Rodney's lab.
Rodney frowned at his laptop. "Busy," he said. "Call back later. Like next year."
"C'mon, Rodney, you'll love this," Sheppard said, coming in a few steps behind the sheep-headed one. "Ten minutes in the jumper bay, that's all we need."
"What did he do, bring cloned-Metallica to Atlantis?" Rodney asked. "Cloned-Grateful Dead?"
"Better," Sheppard said, grinning, and Rodney sighed, saved his work, and powered down.
"Ten minutes," he said. "And if he brought cloned-Garth Brooks, I make no promises about sending them both back to MP3-land."
~~~~~
Four hours later, he was lost in the heart of a supernova.
"Oooh," he said, as the universe exploded outside the puddlejumper. "Let's do it again!"
Sheppard, Lance, Braids and the sheep-headed one all groaned. "Rodney, we've done the supernova ten times already. We want to do the comet one again."
"We already know about the comets! But the supernova--I would never have thought--this revolutionizes--"
"This revolutionizes boring," Braids sing-songed. "Come on, riding the comet is so much cooler."
"Then go play it in another puddlejumper!" Rodney said. He gripped the controls and thought again, and the scene on the front shield of the puddlejumper changed, going back to the expansion of the massive star as it died. He didn't even notice as Lance, Braids and the sheep-headed one grumbled and stomped out of the back of the jumper, until Sheppard leaned against the back of his chair and put his chin on the top of Rodney's head.
"Colonel?"
"The kids went off to play in another jumper," Sheppard said. "It's just me, you, and the universe again."
"Huh," Rodney said. On the screen, the dying star engulfed another planet. Sheppard slid a hand down his chest, playing with his nipples. The star expanded, and Sheppard unzipped Rodney's pants and nipped his ear, hot breath on Rodney's neck.
"This is worse than making out at the drive-in," Rodney said, panting a little and Sheppard said, "It is pretty bad, isn't it?" stroking him, perfect pressure and just the right twist of his hand at the tip. Every move was designed to make Rodney moan, which he did, as the star engulfed the puddlejumper and Sheppard made his world white out.
~~~~~
Later, Rodney blew Sheppard while they flew alongside an enormous comet rocketing through a solar system infested with ringed planets.
"I love double features," Sheppard said, running his hand through Rodney's hair. Rodney looked up, and Sheppard's eyes were closed. He was smiling. Rodney felt his heart expand in his chest, as powerful as the supernova but not like dying at all, and reached for Sheppard's other hand.
Sheppard opened his eyes and met Rodney's gaze. "Yeah," Sheppard said quietly, twining their fingers together. "Me too."
~~~~~
The fifth time NSYNC brought back everything on their list plus some nice tokens of adoration and extras of the really useful stuff, Rodney gave up complaining about their joke of a team going through the stargate.
"Just be careful all the time," he lectured Lance. "Turn this on. Turn it off. Turn it on. Oww! Turn it down!"
"We're always careful," Lance said, dutifully following instructions, which was why he was Rodney's favorite even though he kept raising his eyebrows and rolling his eyes. "And John always sends like, six Marines with us."
"Two Marines."
"Two Marines might as well be six Marines," Lance said. "And sometimes Ronon comes, which is like having six more Marines."
"He has a crush on Guido, I think," Rodney said, frowning at the Ancient device Lance was manipulating so easily. Rodney couldn't even get it to turn on and off.
"JC has a crush on him," Lance said. "Maybe I'll try to hook the three of them up."
"What are you, the pimp?" Rodney shook his head. "You know what, don't answer that. Just put this on the lowest setting."
Lance obliged. "Feels kind of nice," he said. "And I'm not a pimp. Are you sure this isn't a sex toy?"
Rodney snorted. "It's the size of a brick. Have you ever--"
Lance was grinning.
"Don't answer that either or I'll vomit on your shoes!" Rodney said, snatching the device out of his hand. "Go, go, get out of my lab, you underaged sex fiend!"
"I'm twenty. Also, you know, if you keep saying that, we're going to get the impression you want to join us," Lance said, hopping off the stool and lounging against the table in a way that reminded Rodney just a little of Sheppard.
"I don't sleep with the Borg," Rodney said, shooing him away. "Go be useful--take a puddlejumper to the mainland or something. Out, out, out."
"Maybe Chris will want to have a naked picnic on the beach," Lance said, making Rodney flush, and he laughed all the way out the door.
~~~~~
They didn't go to the beach. Their team was up for another mission to M5J-621, their third visit to the Tisks, who were always so happy to see them and get a song or two.
"We sang 'Tainted Love'," Guido told Rodney after the second trip, when they went alone. "And 'Love is a Battlefield'."
Rodney looked at him, horrified. "Why didn't you just sing 'My Heart Will Go On' and ruin their good feelings towards us forever? Why drag it out?"
"They ate it up," Skinny said. "Next time we go we're going to sing 'Bed of Roses'. And maybe 'Danny Boy'."
"Justin's Bon Jovi must've overwhelmed them," Lance said, when they came back through the stargate pale and bruised, two men down. The sheep-headed one had been taken hostage, and they hadn't been able to get to the injured Marine.
Sheppard was organizing rescue teams with Teyla and Ronon. Rodney looked at Lance, Braids, Skinny and Guido helplessly, then patted Lance's hand. "The Tisks like him too much to hurt him," he said. "And if anyone can rescue him, it's Sheppard."
"We want to go with," Braids said, eyes surprisingly cold and hard. "We want to be on one of the rescue teams."
"No," Rodney said.
Lance raised an eyebrow at him. "If someone had Teyla, would you sit it out?"
"If I was going to be useless or a distraction, yes." Rodney motioned towards Sheppard and the rescue teams. "What do you think you'll be able to do that they can't? Sing a happy little tune and lull the Tisks into complacency?"
"We can be there for Justin."
Rodney stared at them. They looked scared, and determined, and young. There was no way they could do any good on M5J-621. There was no way they were going to stay behind. He sighed, and stood. "I'll see what I can do," he said, and ignored the gratitude in their eyes.
~~~~~
"No," Sheppard said. "Can you get that strap? Thanks."
"They're convinced they need to be there for the sheep-headed one," Rodney said, tightening another strap on Sheppard's vest. "Lance can pilot the jumper carrying the medical team and stay cloaked until you have him and Lieutenant O'Rourke."
"Too many people. They'd be bumping elbows, and we don't know if Justin's hurt, or what condition O'Rourke is in."
"Two jumpers." Rodney stepped back and eyed Sheppard critically. "Your hair is getting long," he said, suspicious, and ran a hand through it.
"Not that long," Sheppard said, and gave him what was almost a smile. "Yet. And my answer is no, Rodney. We can't risk having all that activity, it adds an unnecessary amount of coordination. And what if Justin is seriously injured? They can't be trusted not to freak out and waste time or make matters worse. We'll be gone two hours, tops. They can wait that long."
Rodney tilted his head, crossed his arms over his chest. "I can't believe I'm arguing for putting them in the line of fire," he said, irritated. "But--"
"No 'but'," Sheppard said, and squeezed Rodney's shoulder. "Stay with them, okay? Make sure they don't do anything stupid. We'll be back as soon as possible."
That was when it hit Rodney that he was not, actually, invited on this mission. He straightened his shoulders and said, "Hey!"
Sheppard gave him that almost-smile again. "We don't really need a physicist on this one," he said, and Rodney snorted.
"You always need me on these!" he said. "And I want to be there to make sure--"
"You're staying here," Sheppard said, his voice gentle and his eyes a little cold, determined.
"Okay," Rodney said, and Sheppard nodded, leaned over for a quick, surprisingly sweet kiss.
"Thank you," Sheppard said, and then he was walking away, heading back out to the lower level of the gate room, not looking back.
"Stay here, my ass," Rodney said, and headed for the jumper bay.
~~~~~
Lance took the controls. Rodney took co-pilot, and the other guys stood behind their shoulders, breathing down their necks.
"I like oxygen," Rodney said loudly. "Breathing my own air makes me happy. It brings me great satisfaction." Guido shifted back an inch or two. "You could wear a little less cologne," Rodney said, and got another half inch. He sighed. It would have to do.
"When the medical team's jumper cloaks, cloak us," he told Lance. "When their jumper heads to the gate room, ride its tail. We're just playing Follow-the-Leader through the gate, got it?"
"Got it," Lance said grimly as he ran the pre-flight. Jumpers hardly required any maintenance, and certainly had no elaborate running procedures, but everyone had their own ritual of safety checks.
"And once we're there, we stay back, by the gate, until we know the situation is clear," Rodney said. "If and when we can be of any assistance, we'll move. Otherwise, we stay put until they've got Justin out and the situation is, is contained. Got that?"
"No," Braids said. "Because we're all idiots, and the first four times you said it went right over our heads."
"Well, I'm sorry," Rodney said. "But quite aside from my general desire not to get hurt, I really don't want to get hurt when I'm not supposed to be there at all. Colonel Sheppard carries several injured list grudges, and I don't want to give him any ammunition." Rodney sniffed. "Although it's far more likely that he'll pull something heroic and move back on the list himself. Idiot."
"You guys are so dysfunctional," Braids said.
"Like you have room to talk? We're not the ones in a fivesome!" Rodney snapped. "Also, shut up. The medical jumper cloaked. Lance?"
"Got it," Lance said, and the world shimmered for a second before they followed the other jumper out of the bay.
"Don't make me regret this, clone-NSYNC," Rodney said as they moved slowly through the gate, then found the wide, grassy fields of M5J-621 before them. "I can and will send you back to the iPod. Do you get that?"
"You like us too much for that," Guido said and he knuckled the top of Rodney's head. "You loooove us, admit it!"
"I'd sooner admit to loving caffeine-deprivation," Rodney said, and then the Tiskel village was in sight, Sheppard's team small figures moving rapidly through the buildings, gunfire soft pops and small flashes. Rodney tuned his radio to the right frequency, and heard Sheppard giving soft-voiced commands, directing people, ordering villagers to lie down on their stomachs, hands behind their backs.
It seemed to be going smoothly enough. Worry was a tight knot in Rodney's stomach, but Sheppard had everything under control, and there wasn't really much resistance.
The team made its way to the heart of the village, and Sheppard said, "We've got them," relief in his voice. "Guards at 3 and 9. Lorne?"
"Yes, sir," Lorne said, and there was a shout, some gunfire.
"Good, good," Sheppard said. "Ronon?"
"Go," Ronon said, and there were some soft noises, "O'Rourke?" a groan, and Ronon grunting. "Got him?" he asked, and Sheppard said, "Yeah."
His voice was so cold, a shiver went up Rodney's spine.
"What?" Lance asked him, and Rodney held up a hand, listening.
"Breathing?" Ronon asked.
"Bleeding pretty bad," Sheppard said, and Rodney looked at Lance.
"What?"
"He's alive," Rodney said, but Lance heard or saw it, something tipped them all off, and Skinny made a choked noise, Guido said "fuck," and Braids punched the wall of the jumper. Lance had them in flight, skimming over the ground to the village at a faster speed than jumpers normally managed in atmosphere.
"Get the medical team ready," Sheppard said. "They're gonna need to be--"
The village center exploded.
"No," Rodney said, and was out of the jumper as soon as the door was down, running towards the collapsed buildings in the middle of the village, fighting his way through people running out. "Sheppard!" He tapped through radio frequencies, getting static, static, Lorne yelling instructions. "Lorne! Where's Sheppard?"
"Dr. McKay?" Lorne was silent for a moment. "Heart of the explosion," he said. "Booby-trap we didn't see. He's alive, he's coming out now--McKay is here, sir--yes, sir--McKay, do you have a jumper?"
"Yes," Rodney said, waving his gun threateningly at a man who seemed to be considering standing in his way. "Ronon? Justin? O'Rourke?"
"All alive," Sheppard said, and Rodney stumbled at the sound of his voice. "Which you will not be, when we get back to Atlantis."
"I'm rescuing you, so knock it off," Rodney said, skidding around a corner, coughing and waving away smoke. Sheppard was coming towards him, Justin over his shoulder, Ronon carrying O'Rourke, Lorne's team backing them up.
"We don't need rescuing, McKay," Sheppard said. "Tell me you didn't--"
The other members of NSYNC were bolting around the corner, skidding to a stop at the sight of Sheppard, dusty, a cut on his cheekbone, carrying Justin. "You did," Sheppard said, and the look on his face promised Rodney a long, miserable lecture later.
Rodney tipped his chin up. "They deserved to be here," he said. "Give Justin to Joey--Joey, get him to the medical crew as fast as you can, okay? We'll--"
Sheppard eased Justin onto Joey's shoulder and shot Rodney a deadly glare. "We'll provide cover," he said. "And then I'll kick your asses. Go."
Joey nodded and ran for it, the other guys moving with him, a tight unit. Sheppard grabbed Rodney's arm and towed him along, half turned away from him, watching for trouble. Rodney watched the other side, but all the villagers either dropped to the ground at the sight of them or ran, and they made it to the jumpers without any problems.
Carson had Justin hooked up to bags and machines, and O'Rourke was sitting up on a stretcher next to him, holding his head but looking okay.
"I'm sorry, sir," he said miserably when Sheppard stopped at the top of the ramp. "I didn't--"
"We'll talk about it later," Sheppard said. "Lorne, get O'Rourke and any medical personnel he needs or who are unneeded onto the other jumper. I'll take this one."
"And us?" Lance asked.
"And you," Sheppard said. "Which I am not happy about, and which we will also be discussing later. For now, move your asses. Move!"
Everyone moved. Rodney sat in the co-pilot seat and swiveled to watch as Carson and his team worked on Justin. The other guys were crowded around, just barely out of the way, holding onto each other, white knuckles and hunched shoulders.
"Are you hurt anywhere?" Sheppard asked, and Rodney looked at him, his sharp profile. His mouth was thin, his hair was full of ash, and blood dripped down his cheek, but he was clearly okay, taking the puddlejumper through the air smooth and fast like it was nothing.
Rodney wasn't hurt, but his heart was pounding fast and hard in his chest. One day it was going to make a run for it, he just knew. "No," he said anyway. "Does that make you less angry with me?"
"No," Sheppard said. "It makes me rethink hurting you myself."
"Ha," Rodney said. "You wouldn't be able to--"
"I think you're on the injured list. For a month. For your clearly broken brain," Sheppard said.
Rodney winced. "Okay, oww."
"I thought you'd say that," Sheppard said with a certain amount of savage glee. "Dial the gate."
Rodney dialed the gate, already preparing his arguments against the injured list, and they went home again.
~~~~~
"I can believe that you would be so reckless, Rodney, but not that you would put others at risk the way you did," Elizabeth said. She looked tired and pissed off. Very, very pissed off. "Did you think about the possible consequences before you effectively stole a puddlejumper and became a disruption to a delicate rescue mission?"
"Yes," Rodney said, nodding. "You know I did, Elizabeth. But we were sitting back in case we were needed--"
"Which you weren't--"
"Which we didn't know--any number of people could have been hurt, and then the extra jumper and extra hands would've come in quite handy. And we all came home okay, so I fail to see the harm!"
Elizabeth put her elbows on the desk and pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's vital to every mission, and to our life in this city, that when you give instructions, those instructions are followed," she said. "You know that. And you know that Colonel Sheppard can't be worried about you ignoring him in the field or deliberately putting yourself in harm's way, don't you?"
"Yes, but--"
"No, Rodney," she said. "If you do not know, if you do not understand, if anything like this ever happens again, I will remove you from Sheppard's team and pull you from the off-world roster."
"Elizabeth--"
"I mean it. And that's all I'm going to say. Go to the infirmary. We'll debrief more thoroughly in the morning."
Rodney waited until she looked up, her eyebrows raised. "I can't promise to follow every order," he said. "You do realize that?"
She smiled, just a little. "I know," she said. "But you'll try, or you'll regret it."
Rodney sighed. "Or I'll regret trying," he said. "But fine. Okay. I'm the model of a dependable little soldier from now on, I promise."
Elizabeth's smile widened. "I'm glad to hear it," she said. "Even if I don't believe a word. Now, go, and I'll see you in the morning."
Rodney nodded jerkily, and headed for the door.
~~~~~
Justin looked much better in the infirmary than he had in the jumper, Rodney was glad to see. For one, he wasn't as white as the sheets. Also, he was awake.
"Hey," he said a little hoarsely when Lance stepped aside and made room for Rodney at the head of the bed. He moved his hand a little, and Rodney wrapped his fingers loosely around it. Justin smiled at him. "I hear you were vital to the rescue mission."
"They could never have pulled it off without me," Rodney said, and someone coughed bullshit. He glared at everyone crowded around the bed. "Possibly they could've," he said. "But without me--without us, it might've had a different outcome."
Sheppard stared at him from across the bed.
"Oh, fine," Rodney said. "We were totally unnecessary and a distraction and we could've gotten everyone killed, but we were glad to be there anyway. Okay?"
"Thanks," Justin said, grinning weakly. "Really. Thank you."
Rodney sniffed. "Thank me later by staying out of my lab for a month. You distract Miko horribly."
Justin grinned more widely, then sighed and closed his eyes. His fingers were lax in Rodney's grip. "Tired," he said, and Rodney squeezed his hand gently before stepping back.
"Sleep well," he said.
Lance put a hand on Rodney's arm and tilted his head towards Carson's office. Rodney patted Justin's knee, then followed Lance and the rest of the guys into the small space.
"You could still wear less cologne," he said to Joey as Sheppard shut the door, crowding them all a little more.
"Probably," Joey said. "But I'm not going to, because JC likes it."
Rodney groaned. "True love among the young and sensory-impaired," he said. "The one constant across the universe."
"Rodney," Sheppard said. "Shut up."
Rodney looked at him, but there really wasn't any reason to add more days to the mental tally Sheppard was undoubtedly keeping, so he shut up and stood in the corner, arms crossed over his chest.
Lance took a deep breath, then sighed. "We, um, wanted to thank you," he said, looking at Rodney, then at Sheppard more warily. "John, obviously, for getting Justin back alive, and, you know, before he'd be not okay. Rodney, for taking us there, even though you knew you were going to get into trouble. We, uh, we really appreciate it. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Rodney said.
"You don't have to thank us," Sheppard said at the same time.
"Oh, go ahead, show me up," Rodney said. "A little healthy gratitude doesn't go amiss now and then, Colonel!"
Sheppard grinned at him, with lots of teeth. "You should really still be shutting up," he said, and Rodney shut up.
Chris put a hand on Lance's arm and said, "We also wanted to tell you that we've come to a decision about staying."
Rodney blinked at him. "But you can't," he said. "You've still got, what, thirteen months before we meet with Elizabeth to discuss your options!"
"We don't need thirteen months," JC said. "We talked about it the other day. We were going to wait because that was what we'd agreed, but this whole thing with Justin--"
"Justin's going to be fine!" Rodney said. "You can't make this kind of decision under duress, JC, you have to wait until your head is clear and your emotions aren't--"
"We're going to stay," Lance said, and smiled when Rodney gaped at him.
"You finally learned our names," Joey said. "We can't leave now."
"I knew your names from the beginning," Rodney said. "I just didn't like you."
"Plus, we're a team," JC said, ignoring him. "And we can help here. And we belong here. We don't want to give this place up."
"Even though--" Sheppard gestured back to the infirmary, and the guys nodded.
"We'll take care of each other," Chris said. "We'll learn how."
Sheppard looked at each of them for a long time, then nodded. "We'll teach you."
"He'll teach you," Rodney said, pointing at Sheppard. "I'll teach Lance."
"Rodney."
"Do I get days off the list for volunteering to teach them basic Pegasus survival skills?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll teach you," Rodney said. "Can we go to bed yet? I'm exhausted."
"Yeah," Lance said, and then they spent a couple minutes shuffling around and stepping on each other until they could get the door open and file out.
"You guys gonna stay here?" Sheppard asked.
"There are beds and stuff, so we thought we'd hang out," JC said. "Wait for Justin to wake up again."
"Torment him mercilessly while he's too weak to run away," Chris said. 'Seemed like a good idea."
"It's always fun to torment the helpless," Rodney said. "Have fun with that. Bed now? Please?"
"Let's go," Sheppard said, and Rodney waved goodnight, then followed Sheppard out of the infirmary.
"So," he said, jogging a few steps to catch up on the way to the transporter. "Are you going to make me stick to the whole no-sex while I'm on the injured list thing?"
Sheppard said, "Well, you have to learn somehow, don't you?"
"It's possible I could learn by other methods," Rodney said. "I am the smartest man in two galaxies, you know."
Sheppard stared at him. He'd washed up while Rodney was meeting with Elizabeth, and gotten his cut cleaned, and changed his shirt. Rodney shifted a little closer to him, smelled smoke and dust and didn't care.
"Plus," he said, leaning even closer. "The kids are gone for the night. We have almost the whole tower to ourselves."
The transporter doors opened, and Sheppard stepped out into the hall, looking up and down quickly, then wrapping a hand in Rodney's shirt and hauling him out. "Good point," he said, looking at Rodney out of the corner of his eye. "Maybe you're not too brain-damaged for this after all."
"I thought you'd see it that way," Rodney said, and they stumbled into their suite already kissing.
~~~~~
Epilogue
~~~~~
The Athosians had a celebration ritual for every event. Rodney and Sheppard had wound up having three parties and something that was not unlike a bridal shower when they moved in together, and Teyla had sung them a special song the day that they acknowledged that they were not actually setting up house together to 'share expenses' or 'babysit'.
The day NSYNC asked Teyla if there was an appropriate marriage ceremony for three or more people, and she smiled and nodded, well. Was the beginning of a month-long party and feast extravaganza.
"Each groom must have the occasion to celebrate his new life and mourn the old," Teyla said, after everyone got so trashed at the party for Joey that Rodney went to her to protest for Radek's sake, as well as that of his liver. "And then the marriage ceremony itself, which must be elaborate if we wish for a fruitful union amongst them."
"Teyla, they're all men. They can't have a fruitful union! Unless you mean like fruits, which--oh. Oh, please tell me men can't get pregnant in Pegasus. Please."
Teyla gave him her 'Earth men try my last nerve' smile. "No," she said. "But a long and happy, productive life is also fruitful. The ceremony will be elaborate."
"Great," Rodney said, despondent, and went back to Zelenka in the labs. "No go," he said, dropping onto a stool and putting his head down on the table.
Zelenka huffed irritably. "I do not see why I, as the father of twins who cry and do not sleep, and do not sleep, and do not sleep, should be forced to deal with grown adults who do not sleep, and do not sleep, and do not sleep, and whine."
Rodney held up a hand. "Don't blame me," he said, and hiccupped. "Blame them. All five of them. We have three more of these parties to go."
"Bah," Zelenka said, and then banged equipment and muttered Czech curse words until Rodney's head and stomach couldn't take it anymore and he had to escape to his suite, creeping past NSYNC's door as he did so, hoping that no one would hear him and poke their head out and make him choose colors or something equally hideous.
Sheppard was already in their room, hiding under the covers of their bed. Rodney toed off his shoes and stripped out of his pants, then crawled onto the bed and dropped down heavily, making their mattress bounce.
"I hate you," Sheppard said, muffled by the pillow he had over his head. "Don't ever do that again."
"Don't ever think of proposing," Rodney said, and grabbed a pillow to put his own head under.
Sheppard was quiet for a long time. At first, Rodney thought he was asleep. Then he tossed his pillow and went under Sheppard's.
Sheppard opened one eye and looked at him.
"You were thinking about proposing," Rodney said, and Sheppard shrugged, closed his eye again.
Rodney lay there, thinking. Then he said, "Okay. But we don't tell Teyla until the day of."
"Deal," Sheppard muttered, and fumbled for Rodney's hand under the covers. Rodney wrapped his fingers around Sheppard's, thumb idly brushing back and forth over the thin lines of scars, and smiled.
Rating: Adult. ish. Approximately.
Notes: 9500 words of Pop/SGA crossover crack. Here be RPS, mentions of GSF, and a host of other acronyms. Beta by terrio, who is thankfully a night owl. ;-)
You know how sometimes you write something and decide only your nearest and dearest, the ones who mock the most affectionately, will ever see it? This is that story. Except how I always post that story. Whee!
Oh, eta, this started out as a story for sga_flashfic's 'This is not happening' challenge, but then it grew and changed, so I'll have to write something else for that, because it's such a neat prompt.
"Dr. McKay?" Simpson said over the radio. "We need you in Lab C."
Rodney grunted irritably. "Can it wait?" he asked. He was watching, eagle-eyed, as Carson put a row of neat, tiny stitches into the Colonel's hand.
"It was just a little one," Sheppard said to Carson. "Ronon won't let me near any of his big knives. I think he's afraid I'll show him up."
"Oh, clearly," Rodney said. "Because you're the knife king. You sparred with the little ones for all of two minutes before you had a serious injury!"
"I really think you should come now," Simpson said. "We have, um, a situation."
Carson tsked. "Try to be more cautious in the future, Colonel." He covered the stitches with a bandage, then patted Sheppard's arm. "I don't think I'm needing to tell you how to care for these? Good. Off with you, then, and come see me if anything unusual happens."
"On my way," Rodney said to Simpson, then turned his radio off and followed Sheppard out of the infirmary. "See him if anything unusual happens. That's an open-ended invitation, don't you think?"
Sheppard grinned. "In this city? It needs to be open-ended. Remember when Hestora's paper cut--"
Rodney waved his hands. "Don't remind me," he said, shuddering. "I still can't drink milk."
They stepped into the transporter and when the doors had closed, Sheppard grinned wider, then leaned in and said, "Are you going to make us stick to that no sex when I'm injured thing?"
"Yes," Rodney said, ignoring the warmth of Sheppard's breath on his skin. "You have to learn somehow, Colonel."
"You know this is a nothing cut, though, right? I've gotten worse while buttering toast." The transporter had definitely reached its destination, but the doors weren't opening. Sheppard stepped closer to Rodney and put a hand on his arm, smiling. "Can't we ignore the rule, just this once?"
"Injury prone and stupid aren't attractive qualities, Colonel," Rodney said, although on certain people they weren't half-bad, and Sheppard's hand felt so good on his arm. He hit the door sensor and the doors slid apart sluggishly, clearly reluctant to ignore Sheppard's desire for them to stay closed, and he stepped out into the hallway.
"You never let me have any fun anymore," Sheppard said. Injury prone, stupid, petulant, and still hot. Pegasus was home to the weirdest phenomena ever.
Rodney said, "Because when I do let you have fun, you end up with seven stitches in your hand," and then opened the door to Lab C, looked inside, and closed the door again. "Colonel--tell me I didn't just see a boyband in my lab."
Sheppard frowned at him. "Tell me you didn't just recognize a boyband in less than two seconds."
"Dr. McKay?" Simpson said over the radio, sounding a little hysterical. "I know, I know--but please come back."
Rodney dropped his head into his hands and groaned, then wheeled around. "Carson," he said. "Carson, Carson, Cars--"
Sheppard had his arm. "C'mon now," he said, dragging Rodney back towards the lab. "This isn't even the most unusual thing to happen since breakfast."
"The slime in Elizabeth's office doesn't exactly compare to a boyband in Lab C, Colonel!"
"No, but the puddlejumper giving Lorne a short stack of pancakes--"
"That was weird," Rodney agreed, then he took a deep breath, shook Sheppard's hand off his arm. He said, "Okay. We've dealt with Wraith, we can deal with boybands," and strode into Lab C.
~~~~~
"I'm Justin."
"I'm Chris."
"I'm Joey."
"I'm Lance."
"I'm JC," the last one said, and they all mumbled, "And we're NSYNC."
"I'm Dr. Rodney McKay," Rodney said. "And I'm trying to figure out how to send you home, so shut up and let me work, okay?"
"I like your hair," Sheppard said to the one with black and white braids. "Did it take long to put all those in?"
"For God's sake, Sheppard, Elizabeth is not going to let you grow your hair out so you can hide knives in it." Rodney waved a soldering iron at him. "This is Atlantis, but we still follow the regulations!"
Sheppard raised an eyebrow at him. The one with the hair narrowed his eyes and said, "Atlantis?" The other one with the hair, tight and curly like a sheep's pelt, said, "This is a resort?" Rodney said, "Well, all right, so we relaxed the regulations a little--Elizabeth still knows you'd accidentally slice your own throat!" and Miko, who had been clearing her throat quietly, trying to get someone's attention, finally just yelled, "We have another problem!"
"Oh, what now?" Rodney said, turning on her, and she slipped out of range of the soldering iron, watching him warily.
"This is not just NSYNC. This is NSYNC from the past," she said. "1998. Perhaps early 1999."
Everyone stared at her, and she cleared her throat again. "I can tell by their hair," she murmured quietly, and backed further away to stand behind Simpson.
The one with the fried-blond hair blinked, then raised an eyebrow in a very John Sheppard kind of way and said, "It's January, 1999."
"The Bahamas don't have different years, like the Chinese, do they?" asked the sheep-headed one.
Rodney put down the soldering iron and closed his eyes. "This is not happening," he said calmly. "This is not happening."
"They don't," Sheppard said. "It's March, 2007. The toaster brought you from Earth and from the past? Cool."
Eight people glared at him. "What?" Sheppard said, putting his hands on his hips. "C'mon, you have to admit it's pretty interesting. It brought five people from the Earth of 1999, and it barely used any power at all? How does that work?"
"I am attempting to figure that out," Rodney said. "It would be easier, much easier, if you would all just shut up for a couple minutes. That means you, Braids! You too, Sheppard. Shut it!"
Everyone was quiet for a moment. Rodney said, "Thank you," and bent back over Miko's iPod.
Then the sheep-headed one leaned closer toward the braid-headed one and said, "So...this isn't a resort?"
"That's it! Out!" Rodney said, and herded them all towards the door.
~~~~~
"We have another problem," Elizabeth said a few hours later, when Rodney had taken the iPod apart, put it together again, taken the toaster apart, put it together, swapped some pieces between the two, had three cups of coffee and sat with his head in his hands for a moment.
He keyed his radio in. "Are they singing in the mess? Because if they are, I say just shoot them. Otherwise leave me alone, I'm working here!"
"The SGC has confirmed that all five members of NSYNC are right where they ought to be, on Earth," Elizabeth said, ignoring him. "They are the appropriate ages. Do you know what that means?"
"Do I--of course I know what that means, Elizabeth," Rodney said. "It means we've got a cloned boyband in space!"
Elizabeth was silent for a moment. "Not precisely how I'd put it, but duplicates, yes."
Rodney put his head down on the desk. "So they're not actually from Earth. I suppose that explains why it didn't drain the ZPM. Bring them to Carson," he mumbled spitefully. "Carson was just asking for this today."
"They're already there. Which has raised another interesting issue, Rodney--two of them have the gene."
Rodney groaned and banged his forehead on the tabletop. "Of course they do. But oh, please, not the braided one. Please."
"Lance Bass and JC Chasez," Elizabeth said. Then, "The bleached blond, and the thin dark-haired one."
"Does that mean we have to keep them?" Rodney asked, touching the iPod. "Can we keep just those two and send the other ones back to the MP3 where they came from?"
Elizabeth was very quiet. Rodney could feel the waves of disapproval radiating through miles of city, and sighed. "I'll be up in a moment," he said, and turned his radio off. He stood, poked the iPod one more time, and trudged out of the lab.
~~~~~
"I don't think we understand," said the blond one. "Are you trying to tell us that we're not actually ourselves? We're clones of ourselves, in another year, and another galaxy?"
"I'm afraid so," Elizabeth said, leaning forward and handing them a sheaf of photographs and news articles.
The braided one looked at the top few photos, scowled, flipped the stack over and passed it on.
"And me and JC have some gene that makes things work in the city of Atlantis. Which is in another year. And another galaxy."
"Yes."
The sheep-headed one flipped through the photographs, stopped, and said, "Holy shit--get me some scissors, man! Do you have someone here who can shave my head like that?"
"No," Rodney snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. "You're the sheep-headed one."
"My name is Justin."
"I'm not learning your name!" Rodney said. "If we put you back, why bother? If we keep you, you're toast--I give it a year, max."
"Keep us?" said the blond, sitting up straighter. "What do you mean, keep us? You're not sending us back to Earth?"
"You've never been to Earth. Follow along, kids: you're clones. This is a top-secret project, based in another galaxy. The real you, their families, friends, fans, and sycophants can't ever know you exist. So what's going to happen, are we going to send you to Earth and trust you to live in hiding the rest of your lives?"
"Yes."
Rodney snorted, and ignored Elizabeth's quelling look. "Think again," he said. "I'm not having my career ruined because one of you can't resist trying to get a blowjob from a groupie."
Elizabeth sighed. "We can't send you back at this time," she said. "I am sorry. And we can't send you to Earth. At this juncture, it seems the only option any of us have is to make every attempt to integrate the five of you into life here, in Atlantis."
The guys stared at her in silence, then looked at each other. The tall, skinny one said, "Okay, group meeting," and they went into a huddle, heads close together, murmuring and showing each other photographs.
"Poor kids," Sheppard said, lounging back in his chair and watching them. "What? Rodney, it's not like they beamed themselves alive just to mess with your day."
"I feel bad for them," Rodney said. "I can't reverse this without killing them, and I can't make them who they really are. You tell me, how should I be treating them?"
Sheppard shook his head. "Right, I forgot that sometimes from you, sympathy looks like a death threat."
Rodney sniffed. "I was going to show you some sympathy for your poor, wounded hand, but I guess you don't need it after all, hmm?"
Sheppard smirked at him. "Well, if by sympathy you meant handjob--"
"We'll stay for a year," said the tall, skinny one as NSYNC broke out of their huddle. "And if we hate it, you'll send us to Earth, and we'll keep this whole thing a secret."
"We can keep secrets," said the braided one, tossing back his hair.
"Two years," Rodney said. "Come on, Elizabeth, they probably won't even make it two years. And maybe if they do, they'll understand why they can't ever--"
"Eighteen months," Elizabeth said, sitting back and folding her hands over her rounded belly. "And then we'll discuss the issue again."
NSYNC huddled again.
"I meant blowjob," Rodney said to Sheppard. "Too bad for you, I guess!"
"We'll take your offer," the blond one said. "We can do eighteen months."
"I'm glad," Elizabeth said, smiling. She pushed back from the table and climbed awkwardly to her feet, and everyone else stood too. "Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me, I'm going to take my afternoon nap. Colonel Sheppard, Dr. McKay, if you could show our newest residents the ropes? Find them a decent suite, I think, and see if you can't figure out where they could contribute--we'll meet again tomorrow to make arrangements."
"You got it," Sheppard said, glaring at Rodney before smiling at Elizabeth and the five nervous boybanders. "We'll get them all sorted out."
~~~~~
"Absolutely not," Rodney said, when Sheppard ushered NSYNC into the suite of rooms down the hall from their own place. "This is our tower, Colonel!"
Sheppard smiled and closed the door. "We only need the one apartment, Rodney," he said. "If they're over here, we can keep an eye on them, and be available if they need assistance."
Rodney snorted. "Or if we need to stop them from escaping, and/or sabotaging the city?"
"Something like that," Sheppard said, and turned to follow the guys on their tour through the rooms. Rodney looked at him, all charm and affability and steady watchfulness, and sighed.
"Foster parents," he muttered to himself and then said, "Hey, you! Guido! Don't touch that like that, do you want to get electrocuted?" and rushed over to make sure the kids learned how not to fry themselves on the stove.
~~~~~
Teyla took an immediate shine to the sheep-headed one.
"Isn't he a little young for you?" Rodney asked her, and she smiled at him.
"He will be an excellent negotiator," she said. "Perhaps even a member of one of the first contact teams."
Rodney looked at the kid in horror. "Teyla, he's a teenager!"
"As is Jinto, and he will become part of Lieutenant Ardenour's team in a year or so." Teyla finished stretching and rose, picked up her sticks. "Come, Rodney. Do you remember last week's lesson?"
"No," Rodney said, clambering up after her. "Does that mean I can quit?"
"No," Teyla said, and kicked his ass.
~~~~~
Ronon liked the Italian.
"He laughs," Ronon said while they were sitting around the campfire on PXL-992.
"And that's all it takes?" Rodney shook his head, bewildered. "You hardly ever laugh. And you don't laugh at him. But you like him because he laughs?"
"Yeah," Ronon said, chewing his jerky contemplatively. "My brothers laughed like him."
"Oh," Rodney said.
They watched the fire for a while. Teyla and Sheppard were patrolling, and Rodney could hear their quiet voices sometimes, whenever they were close to the campsite. The night sky was full of stars. It was barely cold at all. Rodney sighed. "More jerky?" he asked, motioning towards his plate, and Ronon smiled at him a little.
"Thanks," he said, and took the three biggest pieces, and Rodney didn't even slap his hand.
~~~~~
Elizabeth liked the tall, skinny one, who could quite often be found near Command, watching everything with intense fascination, or on one of the balconies with a notebook in his hand.
"He's a dedicated artist," Elizabeth said, then winced, pressing her hand to her belly.
"I notice you didn't say talented," Rodney said, watching her. There were times when he could almost see the babies kicking. Carson had told him that there could very well come a day when he did, which was all a little too Aliens for him, but Elizabeth seemed happy.
She caught him staring and smiled. "He sings to the girls," she said, patting where one of them had kicked. "He has a lovely voice. He's written them a few wonderful lullabies. Teyla's asked him to give voice lessons to some of the Athosian children--you know how important music is to them."
Rodney snorted. "As long as he's more useful than Braids, I don't care, really. But that's nice, the songs for the girls."
"Chris is doing very well too," Elizabeth said, shaking her head at him. "Hasn't John told you?"
"Only seven times a day since he got the gene therapy," Rodney said, rolling his eyes. "He can fly a puddlejumper in a straight line--imagine! The problem isn't the artificial ATA, it's me!"
Elizabeth laughed. "I've flown with you both, Rodney. He might be able to fly in a straighter line, but he and John both make the jumpers do things I'm not sure they're designed to do." She patted his shoulder. "I'd prefer you as pilot anytime."
"You're only saying that because you still get nauseated easily," he said, but he was mollified, and went back to the labs with a spring in his step.
~~~~~
John really did like the braided one.
"He reminds me of you, sort of," he said one day while they were hiking across a forest on P6S-790, following the trail of a herd of buffalo-ish things that Teyla swore produced excellent milk. "I have to feed him regularly, make sure he doesn't get too attached to Carson's mice, or piss off the wrong people. He's afraid of heights and not lemons, though."
"I'm not afraid of lemons," Rodney said. "Beyond the ordinary, healthy fear of certain death. Not that you'd know anything about that, of course."
Sheppard grinned at him. "Today, I'm more afraid of--"
"Shit," Rodney said, looking down at his foot, which was sunk to the ankle in a pile of buffalo-thing droppings.
"Exactly," Sheppard said, and went to find him some leaves to wipe off his shoe with.
~~~~~
And the truth was that Rodney had gotten kind of attached to Lance, who split his time haunting the labs and the puddlejumper bay. He was as fascinated by his ability to turn things on as Rodney was, and never whined like John and Carson. He was obsessed with getting puddlejumpers out of orbit. He could also be a sarcastic little bitch and had scary eyebrows, so all in all he fit in pretty well.
"I could get jealous really easily," Sheppard said one day, leaning on the back of Rodney's chair, watching Rodney watch Lance, Braids and Guido goof off on the balcony outside the mess.
Rodney sniffed. "He's a baby."
"Pretty baby."
"You're still the fairest in all the land," Rodney said, tilting his head back to look at Sheppard, who smirked at him and rested a hand on the nape of his neck, kneading gently. Rodney sighed. "Hmmm. Very good. And as long as you stay off the injured list, your position as number one is assured."
Sheppard chuckled and slapped him lightly on the back of the head, then went to get his tray. "So I was thinking," he said when he came back. "Maybe the five of them could go through the gate together, with a little more training."
Rodney put down his fork. "Are you seriously asking me to consider making NSYNC a contact team for Atlantis?"
"Sure," Sheppard said, and shrugged. "They're smart enough, picking up the training really well, and three of them have the gene now. And they wouldn't be first contact--just regular missions, you know. Meet 'n greets, they call them."
"No, no and no!" Rodney said. "I can't believe you're even contemplating this! We can't send a boyband to make nice with the aliens!"
"They made nice with teenage girls," Sheppard said, digging into his rice and vegetables.
"That's--okay, I don't have anything to say to that." Rodney stabbed at his grilled whatever-beast. "But still, no!"
"Okay," Sheppard said, shrugging. "Anyway, they're going to be on the mainland tonight, and we're both off tomorrow, and I stocked up on supplies. You want to relax regulations with me?"
"Yes," Rodney said. "But only if you mean have noisy sex. I'm not braiding your hair, so just forget about it."
"Aaaw," Sheppard said, with what was frighteningly like genuine disappointment, and they bickered their way through the rest of lunch.
~~~~~
Three weeks later, Rodney stood with Sheppard on the balcony in command, and watched NSYNC go through the gate, two Marines dogging their heels, on their way to their first solo contact mission.
When they were gone, he punched Sheppard in the arm. "If I don't get that blond one back in a single, healthy piece, you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of your life," he said.
"Ow," Sheppard said, rubbing his arm, and then he put his hands on his hips and frowned. "They'll be fine."
"How do you not see that unleashing clone-NSYNC on the galaxy is a bad idea?" Rodney said. "Their parents are a toaster and an iPod!"
"When you put it like that, the fact that they're sleeping together seems kind of weird," Sheppard said. "But I still think they'll do great on this mission."
"Sleeping together?" Rodney said, and had to lean on the railing for a moment.
"You should go lie down," Sheppard said. "You look a little pale. Here, I'll walk you home."
He walked Rodney home, and then invited himself on Rodney's nap, with the inevitable outcome. Afterwards, when Rodney was draped across Sheppard's chest, sated and sticky, with one of Sheppard's rough hands rubbing slow circles on his back, he said, "They do this?" in a sleepy, horrified tone.
Sheppard kissed his temple. "The kids're all grown up now, Ma," he said and Rodney pinched the closest nipple, hard. Sheppard smacked his hand and slithered out of the bed, laughing.
~~~~~
They all came back in the appropriate number of pieces, and they brought with them almost a ton of supplies, ranging from dried meat to fresh grain to the soft, sturdy cloth the Sapaux were famous for producing.
"The last team couldn't even get a scrap of that stuff! What did you do, promise them your firstborn?" Rodney asked as he tagged along to their debriefing. "Did I tell you I'm not sure you should reproduce? I know Carson says it's fine but--"
Lance shrugged. "We just gave them what we brought. I don't know, it seemed like they liked us."
"No, seriously, what--did you whore yourselves out? Because that's a bad idea--Colonel Sheppard got an STD once and his penis glowed in the dark for a month!"
"Really?" the sheep-headed one asked, looking fascinated.
"No," Rodney admitted. "But he could've! It's that kind of galaxy!"
"He is going to be so mad you lied about his dick," Skinny said.
"He's not going to find out," Rodney said, glaring.
"Who's not going to find out about what?" Sheppard asked as he slipped out of the shadows in one of the side halls.
Rodney yelped, startled, and Braids laughed. "Dr. McKay was just--"
"Just telling them about what happens to people who whore themselves out for dried beef and tablecloths," Rodney snapped, upping the ferocity of his glare.
"We did good on our mission." Skinny beamed, a goofy, sweet expression that only got goofier when Sheppard gave him a pat on the back.
"Way to go, guys," he said. "See, Rodney? They returned triumphant, just like I told you they would."
"And possibly infectious," Rodney grumbled, but he couldn't be irritated when all five of them looked so pleased with themselves. And, he had to admit, mostly competent. He sniffed. "But you're alive, and that's more than I expected."
"Thanks," Lance said, rolling his eyes. "We're glad to see you, too. Do we all get to have names yet?"
"No," Rodney said, and marched into the conference room.
~~~~~
Rodney found that he couldn't stop staring at the five of them, whenever they were together. And if he needed to go into their suite, he knocked a lot and closed his eyes for a second when the door opened. And every time they came to his door, he half-expected one of them to be sobbing about a break-up, or being excluded from the orgy, or about being worn out from too many orgasms and could he please stay at Rodney and Sheppard's until he was recovered, please?
"You have a twisted mind," Sheppard said to him. They had brought NSYNC to M5J-621 because Teyla said that the Tiskel village people were as musical as the Athosians, and peaceful.
"To the people of other planets, they have always seemed aloof," she said in the briefing. "But if you bring them the gift of music, you will have their friendship forever."
"Can't we just bring them an iPod?" Rodney asked, and sighed when everyone ignored him. He still didn't like having NSYNC go off-world. It was like tempting fate, as far as he was concerned. But then, so was every mission. And who knew, if they brought an iPod to M5J-621 instead of NSYNC, maybe the Tisks would end up with a cloned Marilyn Manson or something. He could imagine how that would go over.
"I can't help it!" he said to Sheppard as they sat on a boulder by the fire in the village square, and the guys sang for the very appreciative villagers. "All five of them?"
Sheppard sighed. "I should never have mentioned it."
"No, you shouldn't have! And how did you even find out, anyway?" Rodney waited out the whistles--Tiskel applause--when NSYNC finished their song and made their way off the stage, chatting with pretty much every villager they met on the way. "Do you sit around talking about gay orgies with lots of underaged vixens, Colonel?"
"No," Sheppard said. "They're all over eighteen."
"I hate you," Rodney said, but before he could enumerate all the reasons why, NSYNC was back, sprawling on the ground around the boulder. Braids had draped himself across Lance's lap, and Lance was leaning against Guido, who had Skinny's head on his thigh. The sheep-headed one collapsed on his stomach in the middle of the pile, making the rest of them groan, and looked up at Rodney and Sheppard with a bright grin.
"We did good," he said confidently. "What do you think, everything on the list, or everything on the list plus some?"
"Plus some," Sheppard said. He nodded at Teyla and Ronon, who were handling the actual negotiations. "You can tell by how Ronon's talking. If it was just everything, he'd be hanging back, trying to do the menace thing without Teyla noticing."
The sheep-headed one snorted. "Teyla, not notice?"
"I know," Sheppard said. "But Ronon keeps trying."
Rodney pointed at them. "Last night you, Braids, and you, Skinny--I saw you making out in the mess! And now this! Are you really so, so fickle?"
"Yes," Braids said. "When we get back to Atlantis, I'm going to blow Joey, too."
"Dibs on JC!" the sheep-headed one said. Skinny grinned, all crinkled eyes and happiness.
Rodney scowled at them all. "Lance, if you--"
"Oh, don't worry about me," Lance said, running his fingers through the black and white braids spilling over his leg and smiling a little.
Rodney stared, wide-eyed, and Sheppard patted his shoulder. "Dibs on McKay," he said, and Rodney groaned.
"Did I ever give you the impression I gave you dibs on me?" he asked. "This isn't Red Rover, Colonel--"
"Please, he so has dibs," the sheep-headed one said, and Sheppard grinned.
"The boyband has made you even more incorrigible," Rodney told him, and leaned against him, just a little, while they waited for Teyla and Ronon to tell them just how much the Tisks had enjoyed their visit.
~~~~~
Elizabeth went into labor in the middle of a debriefing about their disastrous mission to P3L-499. They had lost a Marine on Lorne's team, Pasquale, and Parrish had severe burns over his hands and calves, from trying to drag Pasquale out of the fire.
Teyla sang at the memorial. NSYNC clustered around Elizabeth's bed in the suite she and Radek had chosen to be their home when the babies came, and they sang Skinny's lullabies for her and the twins.
"This is Pegasus," Sheppard said after, when he had joined Rodney, Ronon, Teyla and the guys on the balcony outside the mess. The sun was shining and the breeze was warm, but none of the guys were goofing off. Teyla gently worked a comb through the sheep-headed one's curls. Sheppard leaned against Rodney when he sat down. Rodney touched his hand, and Sheppard sighed. "Up and up and crashing down."
"We thought we could trust them," Ronon said. "Can't trust anyone."
"I can't believe that's true," Skinny said quietly.
"You don't have to believe it," Sheppard said. "Just think about Lorne, Parrish and Johnson and how they feel right now, and imagine how you'd feel in their shoes, and don't ever forget that feeling, wherever you go."
The sheep-headed one was looking at him with huge eyes. "You think like that all the time?"
"Sometimes he's worse," Rodney said. "And sometimes he thinks Back to the Future makes sense. I much prefer when he flies things, and I do the thinking."
Sheppard smacked him half-heartedly. Braids said, "The babies kind of had Radek's hair. Do you think they'll outgrow that?" and Guido tackled him, Lance, Skinny and the sheep-headed one joining in after a moment, a little more subdued than normal, but making the effort.
"Do you think they get it?" Rodney asked Sheppard, watching them roll around like puppies in the sunshine, impossibly young.
Sheppard shrugged. "No. And I hope they never do."
~~~~~
"Dr. McKay, you've got to come see what Lance did!" the sheep-headed one said as he skidded into Rodney's lab.
Rodney frowned at his laptop. "Busy," he said. "Call back later. Like next year."
"C'mon, Rodney, you'll love this," Sheppard said, coming in a few steps behind the sheep-headed one. "Ten minutes in the jumper bay, that's all we need."
"What did he do, bring cloned-Metallica to Atlantis?" Rodney asked. "Cloned-Grateful Dead?"
"Better," Sheppard said, grinning, and Rodney sighed, saved his work, and powered down.
"Ten minutes," he said. "And if he brought cloned-Garth Brooks, I make no promises about sending them both back to MP3-land."
~~~~~
Four hours later, he was lost in the heart of a supernova.
"Oooh," he said, as the universe exploded outside the puddlejumper. "Let's do it again!"
Sheppard, Lance, Braids and the sheep-headed one all groaned. "Rodney, we've done the supernova ten times already. We want to do the comet one again."
"We already know about the comets! But the supernova--I would never have thought--this revolutionizes--"
"This revolutionizes boring," Braids sing-songed. "Come on, riding the comet is so much cooler."
"Then go play it in another puddlejumper!" Rodney said. He gripped the controls and thought again, and the scene on the front shield of the puddlejumper changed, going back to the expansion of the massive star as it died. He didn't even notice as Lance, Braids and the sheep-headed one grumbled and stomped out of the back of the jumper, until Sheppard leaned against the back of his chair and put his chin on the top of Rodney's head.
"Colonel?"
"The kids went off to play in another jumper," Sheppard said. "It's just me, you, and the universe again."
"Huh," Rodney said. On the screen, the dying star engulfed another planet. Sheppard slid a hand down his chest, playing with his nipples. The star expanded, and Sheppard unzipped Rodney's pants and nipped his ear, hot breath on Rodney's neck.
"This is worse than making out at the drive-in," Rodney said, panting a little and Sheppard said, "It is pretty bad, isn't it?" stroking him, perfect pressure and just the right twist of his hand at the tip. Every move was designed to make Rodney moan, which he did, as the star engulfed the puddlejumper and Sheppard made his world white out.
~~~~~
Later, Rodney blew Sheppard while they flew alongside an enormous comet rocketing through a solar system infested with ringed planets.
"I love double features," Sheppard said, running his hand through Rodney's hair. Rodney looked up, and Sheppard's eyes were closed. He was smiling. Rodney felt his heart expand in his chest, as powerful as the supernova but not like dying at all, and reached for Sheppard's other hand.
Sheppard opened his eyes and met Rodney's gaze. "Yeah," Sheppard said quietly, twining their fingers together. "Me too."
~~~~~
The fifth time NSYNC brought back everything on their list plus some nice tokens of adoration and extras of the really useful stuff, Rodney gave up complaining about their joke of a team going through the stargate.
"Just be careful all the time," he lectured Lance. "Turn this on. Turn it off. Turn it on. Oww! Turn it down!"
"We're always careful," Lance said, dutifully following instructions, which was why he was Rodney's favorite even though he kept raising his eyebrows and rolling his eyes. "And John always sends like, six Marines with us."
"Two Marines."
"Two Marines might as well be six Marines," Lance said. "And sometimes Ronon comes, which is like having six more Marines."
"He has a crush on Guido, I think," Rodney said, frowning at the Ancient device Lance was manipulating so easily. Rodney couldn't even get it to turn on and off.
"JC has a crush on him," Lance said. "Maybe I'll try to hook the three of them up."
"What are you, the pimp?" Rodney shook his head. "You know what, don't answer that. Just put this on the lowest setting."
Lance obliged. "Feels kind of nice," he said. "And I'm not a pimp. Are you sure this isn't a sex toy?"
Rodney snorted. "It's the size of a brick. Have you ever--"
Lance was grinning.
"Don't answer that either or I'll vomit on your shoes!" Rodney said, snatching the device out of his hand. "Go, go, get out of my lab, you underaged sex fiend!"
"I'm twenty. Also, you know, if you keep saying that, we're going to get the impression you want to join us," Lance said, hopping off the stool and lounging against the table in a way that reminded Rodney just a little of Sheppard.
"I don't sleep with the Borg," Rodney said, shooing him away. "Go be useful--take a puddlejumper to the mainland or something. Out, out, out."
"Maybe Chris will want to have a naked picnic on the beach," Lance said, making Rodney flush, and he laughed all the way out the door.
~~~~~
They didn't go to the beach. Their team was up for another mission to M5J-621, their third visit to the Tisks, who were always so happy to see them and get a song or two.
"We sang 'Tainted Love'," Guido told Rodney after the second trip, when they went alone. "And 'Love is a Battlefield'."
Rodney looked at him, horrified. "Why didn't you just sing 'My Heart Will Go On' and ruin their good feelings towards us forever? Why drag it out?"
"They ate it up," Skinny said. "Next time we go we're going to sing 'Bed of Roses'. And maybe 'Danny Boy'."
"Justin's Bon Jovi must've overwhelmed them," Lance said, when they came back through the stargate pale and bruised, two men down. The sheep-headed one had been taken hostage, and they hadn't been able to get to the injured Marine.
Sheppard was organizing rescue teams with Teyla and Ronon. Rodney looked at Lance, Braids, Skinny and Guido helplessly, then patted Lance's hand. "The Tisks like him too much to hurt him," he said. "And if anyone can rescue him, it's Sheppard."
"We want to go with," Braids said, eyes surprisingly cold and hard. "We want to be on one of the rescue teams."
"No," Rodney said.
Lance raised an eyebrow at him. "If someone had Teyla, would you sit it out?"
"If I was going to be useless or a distraction, yes." Rodney motioned towards Sheppard and the rescue teams. "What do you think you'll be able to do that they can't? Sing a happy little tune and lull the Tisks into complacency?"
"We can be there for Justin."
Rodney stared at them. They looked scared, and determined, and young. There was no way they could do any good on M5J-621. There was no way they were going to stay behind. He sighed, and stood. "I'll see what I can do," he said, and ignored the gratitude in their eyes.
~~~~~
"No," Sheppard said. "Can you get that strap? Thanks."
"They're convinced they need to be there for the sheep-headed one," Rodney said, tightening another strap on Sheppard's vest. "Lance can pilot the jumper carrying the medical team and stay cloaked until you have him and Lieutenant O'Rourke."
"Too many people. They'd be bumping elbows, and we don't know if Justin's hurt, or what condition O'Rourke is in."
"Two jumpers." Rodney stepped back and eyed Sheppard critically. "Your hair is getting long," he said, suspicious, and ran a hand through it.
"Not that long," Sheppard said, and gave him what was almost a smile. "Yet. And my answer is no, Rodney. We can't risk having all that activity, it adds an unnecessary amount of coordination. And what if Justin is seriously injured? They can't be trusted not to freak out and waste time or make matters worse. We'll be gone two hours, tops. They can wait that long."
Rodney tilted his head, crossed his arms over his chest. "I can't believe I'm arguing for putting them in the line of fire," he said, irritated. "But--"
"No 'but'," Sheppard said, and squeezed Rodney's shoulder. "Stay with them, okay? Make sure they don't do anything stupid. We'll be back as soon as possible."
That was when it hit Rodney that he was not, actually, invited on this mission. He straightened his shoulders and said, "Hey!"
Sheppard gave him that almost-smile again. "We don't really need a physicist on this one," he said, and Rodney snorted.
"You always need me on these!" he said. "And I want to be there to make sure--"
"You're staying here," Sheppard said, his voice gentle and his eyes a little cold, determined.
"Okay," Rodney said, and Sheppard nodded, leaned over for a quick, surprisingly sweet kiss.
"Thank you," Sheppard said, and then he was walking away, heading back out to the lower level of the gate room, not looking back.
"Stay here, my ass," Rodney said, and headed for the jumper bay.
~~~~~
Lance took the controls. Rodney took co-pilot, and the other guys stood behind their shoulders, breathing down their necks.
"I like oxygen," Rodney said loudly. "Breathing my own air makes me happy. It brings me great satisfaction." Guido shifted back an inch or two. "You could wear a little less cologne," Rodney said, and got another half inch. He sighed. It would have to do.
"When the medical team's jumper cloaks, cloak us," he told Lance. "When their jumper heads to the gate room, ride its tail. We're just playing Follow-the-Leader through the gate, got it?"
"Got it," Lance said grimly as he ran the pre-flight. Jumpers hardly required any maintenance, and certainly had no elaborate running procedures, but everyone had their own ritual of safety checks.
"And once we're there, we stay back, by the gate, until we know the situation is clear," Rodney said. "If and when we can be of any assistance, we'll move. Otherwise, we stay put until they've got Justin out and the situation is, is contained. Got that?"
"No," Braids said. "Because we're all idiots, and the first four times you said it went right over our heads."
"Well, I'm sorry," Rodney said. "But quite aside from my general desire not to get hurt, I really don't want to get hurt when I'm not supposed to be there at all. Colonel Sheppard carries several injured list grudges, and I don't want to give him any ammunition." Rodney sniffed. "Although it's far more likely that he'll pull something heroic and move back on the list himself. Idiot."
"You guys are so dysfunctional," Braids said.
"Like you have room to talk? We're not the ones in a fivesome!" Rodney snapped. "Also, shut up. The medical jumper cloaked. Lance?"
"Got it," Lance said, and the world shimmered for a second before they followed the other jumper out of the bay.
"Don't make me regret this, clone-NSYNC," Rodney said as they moved slowly through the gate, then found the wide, grassy fields of M5J-621 before them. "I can and will send you back to the iPod. Do you get that?"
"You like us too much for that," Guido said and he knuckled the top of Rodney's head. "You loooove us, admit it!"
"I'd sooner admit to loving caffeine-deprivation," Rodney said, and then the Tiskel village was in sight, Sheppard's team small figures moving rapidly through the buildings, gunfire soft pops and small flashes. Rodney tuned his radio to the right frequency, and heard Sheppard giving soft-voiced commands, directing people, ordering villagers to lie down on their stomachs, hands behind their backs.
It seemed to be going smoothly enough. Worry was a tight knot in Rodney's stomach, but Sheppard had everything under control, and there wasn't really much resistance.
The team made its way to the heart of the village, and Sheppard said, "We've got them," relief in his voice. "Guards at 3 and 9. Lorne?"
"Yes, sir," Lorne said, and there was a shout, some gunfire.
"Good, good," Sheppard said. "Ronon?"
"Go," Ronon said, and there were some soft noises, "O'Rourke?" a groan, and Ronon grunting. "Got him?" he asked, and Sheppard said, "Yeah."
His voice was so cold, a shiver went up Rodney's spine.
"What?" Lance asked him, and Rodney held up a hand, listening.
"Breathing?" Ronon asked.
"Bleeding pretty bad," Sheppard said, and Rodney looked at Lance.
"What?"
"He's alive," Rodney said, but Lance heard or saw it, something tipped them all off, and Skinny made a choked noise, Guido said "fuck," and Braids punched the wall of the jumper. Lance had them in flight, skimming over the ground to the village at a faster speed than jumpers normally managed in atmosphere.
"Get the medical team ready," Sheppard said. "They're gonna need to be--"
The village center exploded.
"No," Rodney said, and was out of the jumper as soon as the door was down, running towards the collapsed buildings in the middle of the village, fighting his way through people running out. "Sheppard!" He tapped through radio frequencies, getting static, static, Lorne yelling instructions. "Lorne! Where's Sheppard?"
"Dr. McKay?" Lorne was silent for a moment. "Heart of the explosion," he said. "Booby-trap we didn't see. He's alive, he's coming out now--McKay is here, sir--yes, sir--McKay, do you have a jumper?"
"Yes," Rodney said, waving his gun threateningly at a man who seemed to be considering standing in his way. "Ronon? Justin? O'Rourke?"
"All alive," Sheppard said, and Rodney stumbled at the sound of his voice. "Which you will not be, when we get back to Atlantis."
"I'm rescuing you, so knock it off," Rodney said, skidding around a corner, coughing and waving away smoke. Sheppard was coming towards him, Justin over his shoulder, Ronon carrying O'Rourke, Lorne's team backing them up.
"We don't need rescuing, McKay," Sheppard said. "Tell me you didn't--"
The other members of NSYNC were bolting around the corner, skidding to a stop at the sight of Sheppard, dusty, a cut on his cheekbone, carrying Justin. "You did," Sheppard said, and the look on his face promised Rodney a long, miserable lecture later.
Rodney tipped his chin up. "They deserved to be here," he said. "Give Justin to Joey--Joey, get him to the medical crew as fast as you can, okay? We'll--"
Sheppard eased Justin onto Joey's shoulder and shot Rodney a deadly glare. "We'll provide cover," he said. "And then I'll kick your asses. Go."
Joey nodded and ran for it, the other guys moving with him, a tight unit. Sheppard grabbed Rodney's arm and towed him along, half turned away from him, watching for trouble. Rodney watched the other side, but all the villagers either dropped to the ground at the sight of them or ran, and they made it to the jumpers without any problems.
Carson had Justin hooked up to bags and machines, and O'Rourke was sitting up on a stretcher next to him, holding his head but looking okay.
"I'm sorry, sir," he said miserably when Sheppard stopped at the top of the ramp. "I didn't--"
"We'll talk about it later," Sheppard said. "Lorne, get O'Rourke and any medical personnel he needs or who are unneeded onto the other jumper. I'll take this one."
"And us?" Lance asked.
"And you," Sheppard said. "Which I am not happy about, and which we will also be discussing later. For now, move your asses. Move!"
Everyone moved. Rodney sat in the co-pilot seat and swiveled to watch as Carson and his team worked on Justin. The other guys were crowded around, just barely out of the way, holding onto each other, white knuckles and hunched shoulders.
"Are you hurt anywhere?" Sheppard asked, and Rodney looked at him, his sharp profile. His mouth was thin, his hair was full of ash, and blood dripped down his cheek, but he was clearly okay, taking the puddlejumper through the air smooth and fast like it was nothing.
Rodney wasn't hurt, but his heart was pounding fast and hard in his chest. One day it was going to make a run for it, he just knew. "No," he said anyway. "Does that make you less angry with me?"
"No," Sheppard said. "It makes me rethink hurting you myself."
"Ha," Rodney said. "You wouldn't be able to--"
"I think you're on the injured list. For a month. For your clearly broken brain," Sheppard said.
Rodney winced. "Okay, oww."
"I thought you'd say that," Sheppard said with a certain amount of savage glee. "Dial the gate."
Rodney dialed the gate, already preparing his arguments against the injured list, and they went home again.
~~~~~
"I can believe that you would be so reckless, Rodney, but not that you would put others at risk the way you did," Elizabeth said. She looked tired and pissed off. Very, very pissed off. "Did you think about the possible consequences before you effectively stole a puddlejumper and became a disruption to a delicate rescue mission?"
"Yes," Rodney said, nodding. "You know I did, Elizabeth. But we were sitting back in case we were needed--"
"Which you weren't--"
"Which we didn't know--any number of people could have been hurt, and then the extra jumper and extra hands would've come in quite handy. And we all came home okay, so I fail to see the harm!"
Elizabeth put her elbows on the desk and pinched the bridge of her nose. "It's vital to every mission, and to our life in this city, that when you give instructions, those instructions are followed," she said. "You know that. And you know that Colonel Sheppard can't be worried about you ignoring him in the field or deliberately putting yourself in harm's way, don't you?"
"Yes, but--"
"No, Rodney," she said. "If you do not know, if you do not understand, if anything like this ever happens again, I will remove you from Sheppard's team and pull you from the off-world roster."
"Elizabeth--"
"I mean it. And that's all I'm going to say. Go to the infirmary. We'll debrief more thoroughly in the morning."
Rodney waited until she looked up, her eyebrows raised. "I can't promise to follow every order," he said. "You do realize that?"
She smiled, just a little. "I know," she said. "But you'll try, or you'll regret it."
Rodney sighed. "Or I'll regret trying," he said. "But fine. Okay. I'm the model of a dependable little soldier from now on, I promise."
Elizabeth's smile widened. "I'm glad to hear it," she said. "Even if I don't believe a word. Now, go, and I'll see you in the morning."
Rodney nodded jerkily, and headed for the door.
~~~~~
Justin looked much better in the infirmary than he had in the jumper, Rodney was glad to see. For one, he wasn't as white as the sheets. Also, he was awake.
"Hey," he said a little hoarsely when Lance stepped aside and made room for Rodney at the head of the bed. He moved his hand a little, and Rodney wrapped his fingers loosely around it. Justin smiled at him. "I hear you were vital to the rescue mission."
"They could never have pulled it off without me," Rodney said, and someone coughed bullshit. He glared at everyone crowded around the bed. "Possibly they could've," he said. "But without me--without us, it might've had a different outcome."
Sheppard stared at him from across the bed.
"Oh, fine," Rodney said. "We were totally unnecessary and a distraction and we could've gotten everyone killed, but we were glad to be there anyway. Okay?"
"Thanks," Justin said, grinning weakly. "Really. Thank you."
Rodney sniffed. "Thank me later by staying out of my lab for a month. You distract Miko horribly."
Justin grinned more widely, then sighed and closed his eyes. His fingers were lax in Rodney's grip. "Tired," he said, and Rodney squeezed his hand gently before stepping back.
"Sleep well," he said.
Lance put a hand on Rodney's arm and tilted his head towards Carson's office. Rodney patted Justin's knee, then followed Lance and the rest of the guys into the small space.
"You could still wear less cologne," he said to Joey as Sheppard shut the door, crowding them all a little more.
"Probably," Joey said. "But I'm not going to, because JC likes it."
Rodney groaned. "True love among the young and sensory-impaired," he said. "The one constant across the universe."
"Rodney," Sheppard said. "Shut up."
Rodney looked at him, but there really wasn't any reason to add more days to the mental tally Sheppard was undoubtedly keeping, so he shut up and stood in the corner, arms crossed over his chest.
Lance took a deep breath, then sighed. "We, um, wanted to thank you," he said, looking at Rodney, then at Sheppard more warily. "John, obviously, for getting Justin back alive, and, you know, before he'd be not okay. Rodney, for taking us there, even though you knew you were going to get into trouble. We, uh, we really appreciate it. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Rodney said.
"You don't have to thank us," Sheppard said at the same time.
"Oh, go ahead, show me up," Rodney said. "A little healthy gratitude doesn't go amiss now and then, Colonel!"
Sheppard grinned at him, with lots of teeth. "You should really still be shutting up," he said, and Rodney shut up.
Chris put a hand on Lance's arm and said, "We also wanted to tell you that we've come to a decision about staying."
Rodney blinked at him. "But you can't," he said. "You've still got, what, thirteen months before we meet with Elizabeth to discuss your options!"
"We don't need thirteen months," JC said. "We talked about it the other day. We were going to wait because that was what we'd agreed, but this whole thing with Justin--"
"Justin's going to be fine!" Rodney said. "You can't make this kind of decision under duress, JC, you have to wait until your head is clear and your emotions aren't--"
"We're going to stay," Lance said, and smiled when Rodney gaped at him.
"You finally learned our names," Joey said. "We can't leave now."
"I knew your names from the beginning," Rodney said. "I just didn't like you."
"Plus, we're a team," JC said, ignoring him. "And we can help here. And we belong here. We don't want to give this place up."
"Even though--" Sheppard gestured back to the infirmary, and the guys nodded.
"We'll take care of each other," Chris said. "We'll learn how."
Sheppard looked at each of them for a long time, then nodded. "We'll teach you."
"He'll teach you," Rodney said, pointing at Sheppard. "I'll teach Lance."
"Rodney."
"Do I get days off the list for volunteering to teach them basic Pegasus survival skills?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll teach you," Rodney said. "Can we go to bed yet? I'm exhausted."
"Yeah," Lance said, and then they spent a couple minutes shuffling around and stepping on each other until they could get the door open and file out.
"You guys gonna stay here?" Sheppard asked.
"There are beds and stuff, so we thought we'd hang out," JC said. "Wait for Justin to wake up again."
"Torment him mercilessly while he's too weak to run away," Chris said. 'Seemed like a good idea."
"It's always fun to torment the helpless," Rodney said. "Have fun with that. Bed now? Please?"
"Let's go," Sheppard said, and Rodney waved goodnight, then followed Sheppard out of the infirmary.
"So," he said, jogging a few steps to catch up on the way to the transporter. "Are you going to make me stick to the whole no-sex while I'm on the injured list thing?"
Sheppard said, "Well, you have to learn somehow, don't you?"
"It's possible I could learn by other methods," Rodney said. "I am the smartest man in two galaxies, you know."
Sheppard stared at him. He'd washed up while Rodney was meeting with Elizabeth, and gotten his cut cleaned, and changed his shirt. Rodney shifted a little closer to him, smelled smoke and dust and didn't care.
"Plus," he said, leaning even closer. "The kids are gone for the night. We have almost the whole tower to ourselves."
The transporter doors opened, and Sheppard stepped out into the hall, looking up and down quickly, then wrapping a hand in Rodney's shirt and hauling him out. "Good point," he said, looking at Rodney out of the corner of his eye. "Maybe you're not too brain-damaged for this after all."
"I thought you'd see it that way," Rodney said, and they stumbled into their suite already kissing.
~~~~~
Epilogue
~~~~~
The Athosians had a celebration ritual for every event. Rodney and Sheppard had wound up having three parties and something that was not unlike a bridal shower when they moved in together, and Teyla had sung them a special song the day that they acknowledged that they were not actually setting up house together to 'share expenses' or 'babysit'.
The day NSYNC asked Teyla if there was an appropriate marriage ceremony for three or more people, and she smiled and nodded, well. Was the beginning of a month-long party and feast extravaganza.
"Each groom must have the occasion to celebrate his new life and mourn the old," Teyla said, after everyone got so trashed at the party for Joey that Rodney went to her to protest for Radek's sake, as well as that of his liver. "And then the marriage ceremony itself, which must be elaborate if we wish for a fruitful union amongst them."
"Teyla, they're all men. They can't have a fruitful union! Unless you mean like fruits, which--oh. Oh, please tell me men can't get pregnant in Pegasus. Please."
Teyla gave him her 'Earth men try my last nerve' smile. "No," she said. "But a long and happy, productive life is also fruitful. The ceremony will be elaborate."
"Great," Rodney said, despondent, and went back to Zelenka in the labs. "No go," he said, dropping onto a stool and putting his head down on the table.
Zelenka huffed irritably. "I do not see why I, as the father of twins who cry and do not sleep, and do not sleep, and do not sleep, should be forced to deal with grown adults who do not sleep, and do not sleep, and do not sleep, and whine."
Rodney held up a hand. "Don't blame me," he said, and hiccupped. "Blame them. All five of them. We have three more of these parties to go."
"Bah," Zelenka said, and then banged equipment and muttered Czech curse words until Rodney's head and stomach couldn't take it anymore and he had to escape to his suite, creeping past NSYNC's door as he did so, hoping that no one would hear him and poke their head out and make him choose colors or something equally hideous.
Sheppard was already in their room, hiding under the covers of their bed. Rodney toed off his shoes and stripped out of his pants, then crawled onto the bed and dropped down heavily, making their mattress bounce.
"I hate you," Sheppard said, muffled by the pillow he had over his head. "Don't ever do that again."
"Don't ever think of proposing," Rodney said, and grabbed a pillow to put his own head under.
Sheppard was quiet for a long time. At first, Rodney thought he was asleep. Then he tossed his pillow and went under Sheppard's.
Sheppard opened one eye and looked at him.
"You were thinking about proposing," Rodney said, and Sheppard shrugged, closed his eye again.
Rodney lay there, thinking. Then he said, "Okay. But we don't tell Teyla until the day of."
"Deal," Sheppard muttered, and fumbled for Rodney's hand under the covers. Rodney wrapped his fingers around Sheppard's, thumb idly brushing back and forth over the thin lines of scars, and smiled.