Oooh I like this. I love how at first the old woman seems vulnerable (especially the detail about the hearing aids, that was great) but then turns out to be a witch. At least her cat will have some new company.
I'm glad you liked it, I think this is one of my more devious pieces of fiction that I've written. My husband wasn't sure about the ending, but I thought I could leave it up to the reader's imagination of what happened to the "guys"
Nice work! This was enjoyable to read. I know formal editing post hasn't been posted yet, but let me know if you'd like a friendly, unofficial edit; I came across some errors in the piece. With a little tightening up, this could be a really amazing piece of fiction!
What a fun read. I love how we get drawn along with the story and we're always a step behind the old woman but a step ahead of the guy on the phone. What a great story!
I liked this! Way to turn the tables on the young man. It sure puts a whole new light on the idea of the proverbial cat lady.
One thing you might want to watch is your punctuation. You have several run on sentences and a few places where it looks like the comma was just forgotten.
I was thinking that, but I was really trying to keep to the character of the old lady, where she was slow, but not stupid...hard to explain...any tips would be appreciated.
I think you accomplished that without needing to let the sentences run on. The one which stuck out was one where she was thinking something. You have: (her thoughts here) she thought. In that one case, it would be better to use the comma. That's what I was looking at. I only noticed because it interrupted the flow of an otherwise nice story.
Hello there! It appears I'm going to be one of your editors this week :D Remember that everything I offer is a suggestion. Here we go...
1. I really do what to stress how much I did enjoy this piece. I'm not sure that entirely came across in my last comment and that had me worried. I like this piece a lot, quite a lot actually, and it was a highlight of the round for me. Nice work!
2. You seem to use "the cat" quite a bit. In the first few paragraphs it's repeated about 10 times and the image is clear. Try using a few articles in place of "the cat" and see if it reads a bit more smoothly. Here for example: Her cat was curled up on the other chair which was covered with black cat hair, the cat looked up at her and yawned to show his white shiny sharp teeth. I'd suggest something like: Her cat was curled up on the other chair which was covered with pieces of his stray, black hair. He looked up at her and yawned a tiny meow, showing his shiny, sharp teeth. Or something similar?
3. Again: "Yep, cat, this is the life, ain't it?" she
( ... )
ack, sorry about the glitch in my html- the latter half wasn't supposed to be 100% italics! D: Let me know if you want me to fix it or if you can still comprehend my edits like this!
Thanks for the edit, I do appreciate it. I wanted this character of the old cat lady to come through, where her grammar wasn't the best. I do tend to mix first person and third person narration up sometimes. I will edit the piece later, or is it to late to edit it now?
Comments 21
Reply
Reply
Nice work! :D
Reply
Thanks for the tips, I really think it would be helpful.
Reply
Reply
Reply
One thing you might want to watch is your punctuation. You have several run on sentences and a few places where it looks like the comma was just forgotten.
Reply
Reply
Reply
1. I really do what to stress how much I did enjoy this piece. I'm not sure that entirely came across in my last comment and that had me worried. I like this piece a lot, quite a lot actually, and it was a highlight of the round for me. Nice work!
2. You seem to use "the cat" quite a bit. In the first few paragraphs it's repeated about 10 times and the image is clear. Try using a few articles in place of "the cat" and see if it reads a bit more smoothly. Here for example: Her cat was curled up on the other chair which was covered with black cat hair, the cat looked up at her and yawned to show his white shiny sharp teeth. I'd suggest something like: Her cat was curled up on the other chair which was covered with pieces of his stray, black hair. He looked up at her and yawned a tiny meow, showing his shiny, sharp teeth. Or something similar?
3. Again: "Yep, cat, this is the life, ain't it?" she ( ... )
Reply
:D
Reply
Let me know.
Reply
I actually liked a lot of the older woman's dialogue which is why I commented upon a lot of the author mechanics rather than character choices.
Reply
Leave a comment