Comments | giazz_40: Devils in the Details

giazz_40

Devils in the Details

Mar 04, 2009 13:14

* This is my entry for Bridgit's Flame - I know, here we go again ( Read more... )

brigits flame competition for march week, devilish, cats, fiction

Comments 21

cedarwolfsinger March 12 2009, 21:08:27 UTC

Interesting take. Sorry for the guys who are underestimating her... Sorceress from hell, clearly. Actually, she reminds me of Baba Yaga... Good luck.

funny you should mention that giazz_40 March 13 2009, 13:09:58 UTC

My husband said the same thing. She wasn't in my mind when I wrote her character, but it turned out to be just as evil (if you will).

Thanks for reading and the comment ;)

kuhori_rei March 16 2009, 02:15:55 UTC

Hi! I'm your other editor. Sorry this is so late!

First of all, I really liked this. I caught almost right away that there was something a bit sinister about the old lady. ;) Just a few things:

1. Some of your sentences run together a bit, and it makes the piece a little choppy to read in places. It's not overly distracting, but you might consider going back and just glossing things over. One example:
Her cat was curled up on the other chair which was covered with his black hair, he looked up at her and yawned to show his white shiny sharp teeth.

2. I loved the characterization of the cat being her only companion, and I liked that you made her seem almost dependent on him without her being a "sad old cat lady". However, you might want to establish the old lady as a character--it would be interesting to know where her accent came from, maybe a bit more insight into her.

Other than that, this was a great entry! I really enjoyed reading it. :) Great job this week!

Oh, and one more thing:
My address is 666 Forest Lane.I see what you ( ... )

thanks for the tips giazz_40 March 16 2009, 13:29:28 UTC

Thanks for reading and thanks for the tips, I'll try to edit again when I have a free moment in time :)