"Five Times Serena Van Der Woodsen Hid Her Feelings" for hikari_kaze
Title: Five Times Serena Van Der Woodsen Hid Her Feelings
- and one time she revealed them, though
Author: savepureness
Disclaimer: Gossip Girl is the rightful intellectual property of Cecily von Ziegesar, Josh Schwartz & Stephanie Savage, Warner Bros. Entertainment, College Hill Productions, and Alloy Entertainment. There is no copyright infringement inteded, and no money is being made out of writing this.
Characters/Pairing: Serena. Featuring Blair, Nate, Eric, Vanessa, Jenny and Lily. Dan/Serena. Mentions of Nate/Serena (one-sided) and Chuck/Blair.
Rating: PG.
Warning(s): A few bad words, but nothing too wicked.
A/N: Post #13. Spoilers up to #13.
Summary: A collection of snippets from Serena's point of view.
I. Lily
Her fingers fidget with her necklace, as restless as her thoughts; she's nervous tonight, she silently admits, her hand brushing her collarbone, fingers aiming for the neck. There's an unspoken sigh blocking her throat, and she rubs the skin in a vain hope to make it come out; it doesn't.
"I traded my freedom for your happiness", her mother told her once.
Lily smiles to her now - an instant twitch by the corner of her lips, pressed in a feigned grimace of contentment. The wedding ring around her finger casts eerie glitters when she helps the champagne glass to her mouth. It's platinum, Bass Senior claims, always throwing that in a middle of a casual talk of stock exchange rates. He doesn't wear his, though; Serena's features tightening, her lips become a thin line carved in her smooth face.
I never asked you to marry him instead, she thinks.
She spies her brother by the corner of her eye; her true brother. Eric sports a sullen expression, pouting over his IPod and pretending he's not there. Swallowing another sigh, she walks away from the room. The sky is clear, there are no stars, and that makes her forget all the unspoken wishes.
Knowing she had a word to say in all this disgrace makes her sick. But I had the right, her thoughts rise in a mutiny; I do want to spend the rest of my lifetime with Dan.
"Are you sure?", Lily had asked her later, a shade of melancholy in her eyes.
She had not answered then, but pursed her lips and turned away. Her mother should have known better; she had felt betrayed and misunderstood - couldn't she see how happy he was making her? Couldn't she step over her stupid game of let's fake we're young again, and clear the way for her to live her own life?
Serena has her answer now. She gets it every time they have a so-called family reunion; and she gets it fully blown in her face. There's always talking of buy this and sell that, come play into my business emporium and forget to smile in the process. While Bass Senior gets excited and forgets his drink, his son makes up for him and spends his time methodically murdering his remaining brain cells; drowning them in expensive beverages seems the most appropriate way to act.
And in the middle of that maelstrom, there's always Lily's smile. Feigning interest, she tilts her head - first on the left, then on her right; they can't see her with family eyes, how only her own flesh and blood can see. They will never feel the regret and the longing within the fluttering of her eyelashes, the despise she has for the like of them.
Serena's chest hurts, and she feels like screaming her pain to the night. If only she could run to her mother, tell her that everything she wants is for her to shine again, like she used to shine when there was still hope. Finish this farce, she'd like to say, and allow him back in your life.
She remains silent, though. The feeling of Dan's arms around her, protecting her - hiding her from the world - is always there to shut her up.
II. Vanessa
For the first time, Vanessa gets drunk in her presence; brooding over her gin, she turns her head to her. Deep, green eyes cut straight to her soul, and leave her bleeding inside.
"Is there some accusation I can feel in the way you look at me?" Serena asks, lifting her eyebrows.
There's a smirk that curls into a grin, and another sip of gin for reinforcement.
"If you feel guilty, it's not on my account", Vanessa answers, words spat between clenched teeth; her lovely face twisted, she almost scares her.
So she decides to ignore her, but the taste in her throat is too bitter. Curling her hands into fists, she steps forward.
"You're sick of me, aren't you? Rolling your eyes at any uptown manifesto, treading over the way we roll. You think Dan would be better off without me; you think he'd be happier with the likes of you -"
"The likes of me?" - the cat shows her claws, and they’re not gentle.
"Pardon me. With you."
"Seems like you had a little chat with your lovely friend Blair", Vanessa mocks; she's ready to fight, but Serena is already weary.
She is not willing to give anything away. Her head hurts, her temples thudding bluntly; the cat's claws have gripped her heart, and she can't even breathe properly. So this is how jealousy feels, she decides - she was used to denying it, but here's all she needs to prove her wrong. Straightening her back, she glances in the other girl's direction. One last time, before walking away; she has her mother's elegant posture, and she knows it well, striding out of the room.
She can hear Vanessa's laughter coming from the other side of the door she has just slammed shut. Closing her eyes, she rejoices the taste of her untouched pride, while dreaming of his presence. So she runs to find him.
III. Jenny
As there's no place for fairy tales in Upper East Side, they split up in a Sunday afternoon.
Her world turned upside down, she doesn't understand; striding along crowded sidewalks, she'd like to linger on a bench and think her thoughts. She switches her phone off, fearing a national disaster, as that's what usually happens in a city where every streetlamp has eyes.
So I've gone crazy, she concludes. It's quite an easy thing to say, when everything around her comes to testify. There's talking of sweet Jenny Humphrey hooking up with Nate; she shrugs at the news, paying no mind to it. But when she catches a glimpse of them one day, she forgets how to breathe - it would seem that Jenny isn't that sweet anymore.
And there's no Dan to talk it through, to help her make up reasons and excuses for the swirl of fake smiles and elegant backstabs she's floating into. There's no more Dan to take her hand and drag her away, there where no one awaits them with a broad grin on their face and a poisoned needle up their sleeve. Out of her life, she misses him dearly; she feels like she had never felt before: behind the feigned don't bother, I'm alright, she grows hollow.
She stumbles across Jenny, days after. The girl glows in all her splendor, perchance a newly, unofficially crowned princess; you can't be queen when you're from Brooklyn, after all, so she's rather a patient usurper.
"How's Dan?" she asks, as if she doesn't care.
"Missing you, I suppose; but you know him, he escapes as often as not, and pretends everything to be just fine."
Serena acknowledges the information, a curt nod marking her apparent lack of interest.
"Do you miss him?"
All good thinks come to an end, and I have no claim to be called lucky.
"I don't", she whispers, turning on her heels to bite her lips; the lie burns her eyes, they sting and become watery, while she still denies it's tears that she wants to hide.
IV. Blair
That feared time of the year has come, and it would be waste of time to deny it. Alone for Valentine's Day, the two former queens taste the bitterness of having fallen from grace.
They go shopping for old time's sake; each one hides her deception, feigning excitement and trying a dozen pairs of shoes on. Manolos have always been Blair's favorites, she remembers. But her friend ends up brooding over silken scarves, and there's no need for questions that will stay unanswered.
"So, you and Chuck -" she starts. It's a bad idea.
Some hours later, Blair collapses over a double cappuccino. Serena takes her time to range the bags by their chosen table, each of them sporting glittering brands and a promise of sheer elegance. She feels the need to have a drink - or two, or three, for all she cares - but there's a tiny voice inside her head, and she abandons the idea. The voice fades away, and there's no time for her to say whether it was Dan's tone that her conscience had decided to dress in.
"Cheer up, B. We're gorgeous, and we're single; there should be a string of suitors knocking on our doors."
Her fingers dangling halfway to her cup, Blair sports a vacant look. When she finally reaches for the fine china piece, she nearly knocks it off.
"I'm done for", she whispers, fighting back tears with as much dignity as she can glue up from the shards of what she has been once. "And you're as screwed as I am, love."
Silence falls between them, with only the branded bags as witnesses.
"Don't tell me you can think of a way for you and Chuck to be happy together", she tries again; half an hour of sour looks and trembling fingers has done no good to her already challenged nerves.
"Of course I can't", Blair snaps. "Not that I want to, either. Why, do you think of something that would bring Dan back to you?"
Her friends' glare turns malicious; her lips parting, she anticipates a potentially savory answer to go on with her personal grief.
"Why no", the words come out clearly, " - that would be stupid, wouldn't it?"
Blair nods compassionately, though she rolls her eyes. Serena's expression turns blank; she fixes her gaze on a far point, hoping the shaking of her lips won't betray her.
V. Nate
"I was thinking", he says casually, his hand grabbing her arm on the hall - "that this might be our second chance."
We never had a first one, her thoughts dance away.
"So, Humphrey's gone, and Blair could go on and sleep with the entire football team for all I care", he sums it up bluntly; as strange as it sounds, she had never thought him to be such a jerk.
She half nods, trying to get away. It's not the most appropriate moment for decisions.
"But if you still have feelings for him, I'll respect that and let go."
At least he's an elegant jerk.
"Of course I don't", she snaps, her eyes gone stray. "Come pick me up at seven for a drink."
VI. … in the end, there's still Dan
Toying with the phone, her fingers have been shaking for minutes.
She remembers words, and laughter, and dances; she recalls the way that turning back to light and life had felt. There was an abyss of ignorance, a pit of despair, and his was the hand to pull her out of her own mess. Addictive, protective and, most of all, loving her - no, not in love - that used to be when he was 15. Just loving her, and being gone on the account of her own behavior.
She dials, and he picks up.
~*~*~
She'll always taste those syllables on her palate; the way they felt lingers, even while their story is back to a predictable ever after.
"If I called you, would you come?"
She could hear him breathing, and she cherished every second of that soothing sound.
"Name a place, and name an hour."
Could we just run away and hide? No. No more hiding; she was sick of playing games and feigning a life she didn't wish to have.
"I'll be there at six."
… because, Dan, I -
"I tried to get you out my thoughts, but we can't argue when love claims our heart."
They're still together now, after all those years. She shifts her wedding band up and down her finger, like her mother used to do; but her smiles are never feigned, and he's there for her to thank him.
FIN
Thank you for participating in the first ever round of the Gossip Girl Fic Exchange!
- and one time she revealed them, though
Author: savepureness
Disclaimer: Gossip Girl is the rightful intellectual property of Cecily von Ziegesar, Josh Schwartz & Stephanie Savage, Warner Bros. Entertainment, College Hill Productions, and Alloy Entertainment. There is no copyright infringement inteded, and no money is being made out of writing this.
Characters/Pairing: Serena. Featuring Blair, Nate, Eric, Vanessa, Jenny and Lily. Dan/Serena. Mentions of Nate/Serena (one-sided) and Chuck/Blair.
Rating: PG.
Warning(s): A few bad words, but nothing too wicked.
A/N: Post #13. Spoilers up to #13.
Summary: A collection of snippets from Serena's point of view.
I. Lily
Her fingers fidget with her necklace, as restless as her thoughts; she's nervous tonight, she silently admits, her hand brushing her collarbone, fingers aiming for the neck. There's an unspoken sigh blocking her throat, and she rubs the skin in a vain hope to make it come out; it doesn't.
"I traded my freedom for your happiness", her mother told her once.
Lily smiles to her now - an instant twitch by the corner of her lips, pressed in a feigned grimace of contentment. The wedding ring around her finger casts eerie glitters when she helps the champagne glass to her mouth. It's platinum, Bass Senior claims, always throwing that in a middle of a casual talk of stock exchange rates. He doesn't wear his, though; Serena's features tightening, her lips become a thin line carved in her smooth face.
I never asked you to marry him instead, she thinks.
She spies her brother by the corner of her eye; her true brother. Eric sports a sullen expression, pouting over his IPod and pretending he's not there. Swallowing another sigh, she walks away from the room. The sky is clear, there are no stars, and that makes her forget all the unspoken wishes.
Knowing she had a word to say in all this disgrace makes her sick. But I had the right, her thoughts rise in a mutiny; I do want to spend the rest of my lifetime with Dan.
"Are you sure?", Lily had asked her later, a shade of melancholy in her eyes.
She had not answered then, but pursed her lips and turned away. Her mother should have known better; she had felt betrayed and misunderstood - couldn't she see how happy he was making her? Couldn't she step over her stupid game of let's fake we're young again, and clear the way for her to live her own life?
Serena has her answer now. She gets it every time they have a so-called family reunion; and she gets it fully blown in her face. There's always talking of buy this and sell that, come play into my business emporium and forget to smile in the process. While Bass Senior gets excited and forgets his drink, his son makes up for him and spends his time methodically murdering his remaining brain cells; drowning them in expensive beverages seems the most appropriate way to act.
And in the middle of that maelstrom, there's always Lily's smile. Feigning interest, she tilts her head - first on the left, then on her right; they can't see her with family eyes, how only her own flesh and blood can see. They will never feel the regret and the longing within the fluttering of her eyelashes, the despise she has for the like of them.
Serena's chest hurts, and she feels like screaming her pain to the night. If only she could run to her mother, tell her that everything she wants is for her to shine again, like she used to shine when there was still hope. Finish this farce, she'd like to say, and allow him back in your life.
She remains silent, though. The feeling of Dan's arms around her, protecting her - hiding her from the world - is always there to shut her up.
II. Vanessa
For the first time, Vanessa gets drunk in her presence; brooding over her gin, she turns her head to her. Deep, green eyes cut straight to her soul, and leave her bleeding inside.
"Is there some accusation I can feel in the way you look at me?" Serena asks, lifting her eyebrows.
There's a smirk that curls into a grin, and another sip of gin for reinforcement.
"If you feel guilty, it's not on my account", Vanessa answers, words spat between clenched teeth; her lovely face twisted, she almost scares her.
So she decides to ignore her, but the taste in her throat is too bitter. Curling her hands into fists, she steps forward.
"You're sick of me, aren't you? Rolling your eyes at any uptown manifesto, treading over the way we roll. You think Dan would be better off without me; you think he'd be happier with the likes of you -"
"The likes of me?" - the cat shows her claws, and they’re not gentle.
"Pardon me. With you."
"Seems like you had a little chat with your lovely friend Blair", Vanessa mocks; she's ready to fight, but Serena is already weary.
She is not willing to give anything away. Her head hurts, her temples thudding bluntly; the cat's claws have gripped her heart, and she can't even breathe properly. So this is how jealousy feels, she decides - she was used to denying it, but here's all she needs to prove her wrong. Straightening her back, she glances in the other girl's direction. One last time, before walking away; she has her mother's elegant posture, and she knows it well, striding out of the room.
She can hear Vanessa's laughter coming from the other side of the door she has just slammed shut. Closing her eyes, she rejoices the taste of her untouched pride, while dreaming of his presence. So she runs to find him.
III. Jenny
As there's no place for fairy tales in Upper East Side, they split up in a Sunday afternoon.
Her world turned upside down, she doesn't understand; striding along crowded sidewalks, she'd like to linger on a bench and think her thoughts. She switches her phone off, fearing a national disaster, as that's what usually happens in a city where every streetlamp has eyes.
So I've gone crazy, she concludes. It's quite an easy thing to say, when everything around her comes to testify. There's talking of sweet Jenny Humphrey hooking up with Nate; she shrugs at the news, paying no mind to it. But when she catches a glimpse of them one day, she forgets how to breathe - it would seem that Jenny isn't that sweet anymore.
And there's no Dan to talk it through, to help her make up reasons and excuses for the swirl of fake smiles and elegant backstabs she's floating into. There's no more Dan to take her hand and drag her away, there where no one awaits them with a broad grin on their face and a poisoned needle up their sleeve. Out of her life, she misses him dearly; she feels like she had never felt before: behind the feigned don't bother, I'm alright, she grows hollow.
She stumbles across Jenny, days after. The girl glows in all her splendor, perchance a newly, unofficially crowned princess; you can't be queen when you're from Brooklyn, after all, so she's rather a patient usurper.
"How's Dan?" she asks, as if she doesn't care.
"Missing you, I suppose; but you know him, he escapes as often as not, and pretends everything to be just fine."
Serena acknowledges the information, a curt nod marking her apparent lack of interest.
"Do you miss him?"
All good thinks come to an end, and I have no claim to be called lucky.
"I don't", she whispers, turning on her heels to bite her lips; the lie burns her eyes, they sting and become watery, while she still denies it's tears that she wants to hide.
IV. Blair
That feared time of the year has come, and it would be waste of time to deny it. Alone for Valentine's Day, the two former queens taste the bitterness of having fallen from grace.
They go shopping for old time's sake; each one hides her deception, feigning excitement and trying a dozen pairs of shoes on. Manolos have always been Blair's favorites, she remembers. But her friend ends up brooding over silken scarves, and there's no need for questions that will stay unanswered.
"So, you and Chuck -" she starts. It's a bad idea.
Some hours later, Blair collapses over a double cappuccino. Serena takes her time to range the bags by their chosen table, each of them sporting glittering brands and a promise of sheer elegance. She feels the need to have a drink - or two, or three, for all she cares - but there's a tiny voice inside her head, and she abandons the idea. The voice fades away, and there's no time for her to say whether it was Dan's tone that her conscience had decided to dress in.
"Cheer up, B. We're gorgeous, and we're single; there should be a string of suitors knocking on our doors."
Her fingers dangling halfway to her cup, Blair sports a vacant look. When she finally reaches for the fine china piece, she nearly knocks it off.
"I'm done for", she whispers, fighting back tears with as much dignity as she can glue up from the shards of what she has been once. "And you're as screwed as I am, love."
Silence falls between them, with only the branded bags as witnesses.
"Don't tell me you can think of a way for you and Chuck to be happy together", she tries again; half an hour of sour looks and trembling fingers has done no good to her already challenged nerves.
"Of course I can't", Blair snaps. "Not that I want to, either. Why, do you think of something that would bring Dan back to you?"
Her friends' glare turns malicious; her lips parting, she anticipates a potentially savory answer to go on with her personal grief.
"Why no", the words come out clearly, " - that would be stupid, wouldn't it?"
Blair nods compassionately, though she rolls her eyes. Serena's expression turns blank; she fixes her gaze on a far point, hoping the shaking of her lips won't betray her.
V. Nate
"I was thinking", he says casually, his hand grabbing her arm on the hall - "that this might be our second chance."
We never had a first one, her thoughts dance away.
"So, Humphrey's gone, and Blair could go on and sleep with the entire football team for all I care", he sums it up bluntly; as strange as it sounds, she had never thought him to be such a jerk.
She half nods, trying to get away. It's not the most appropriate moment for decisions.
"But if you still have feelings for him, I'll respect that and let go."
At least he's an elegant jerk.
"Of course I don't", she snaps, her eyes gone stray. "Come pick me up at seven for a drink."
VI. … in the end, there's still Dan
Toying with the phone, her fingers have been shaking for minutes.
She remembers words, and laughter, and dances; she recalls the way that turning back to light and life had felt. There was an abyss of ignorance, a pit of despair, and his was the hand to pull her out of her own mess. Addictive, protective and, most of all, loving her - no, not in love - that used to be when he was 15. Just loving her, and being gone on the account of her own behavior.
She dials, and he picks up.
~*~*~
She'll always taste those syllables on her palate; the way they felt lingers, even while their story is back to a predictable ever after.
"If I called you, would you come?"
She could hear him breathing, and she cherished every second of that soothing sound.
"Name a place, and name an hour."
Could we just run away and hide? No. No more hiding; she was sick of playing games and feigning a life she didn't wish to have.
"I'll be there at six."
… because, Dan, I -
"I tried to get you out my thoughts, but we can't argue when love claims our heart."
They're still together now, after all those years. She shifts her wedding band up and down her finger, like her mother used to do; but her smiles are never feigned, and he's there for her to thank him.
FIN
Thank you for participating in the first ever round of the Gossip Girl Fic Exchange!