Fic: Brand New Start (2/2)
Brand New Start
Author: gestaltrose aka chaosrosa
Title: Brand New Start
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 21,000/10,300 this part give or take a few
Beta the ever lovely embroiderama and the lovely monica_catch22 who encouraged me in my deviant ways.
Warnings: underage (Jared is 17), Hurt!Jared, graphic descriptions of abuse(in the past), missuse of the Padalecki and the Ackles familes.
Disclaimer: Jared and Jensen belong to themselves. This is a work of Fiction and as such it in no way depicts real people although their names are used. This does not represent the sexual orientation or the prejudices anyone may have. No offense intended.
Summary: Jared Padalecki is one messed up kid, after his parents die he his tossed from Foster home to Foster home slowly losing everyone he loves. He's given one last chance with the Ackles. Can he come to peace with his past? Will he admit that he's attracted to Jensen? AU story of a hurt boy who's trying to find some peace and maybe, if he's lucky, love.
Part One
Jared woke up and he was surprised to find himself alive. He could feel his stomach heaving and rolled to his side to vomit up dirty water. Every muscle in his body ached, muscles he didn’t even know he had. It took him three tries to push up and look around to try to figure out where he was. He didn’t recognize anything but he saw the horse standing on three feet, not far from him. Holding out his hand to her, Jared slowly got to his feet.
“You’re hurt,” he murmured and held still as he felt the world spin around him. He had taken blows to the head before and knew that he had to wait out the dizziness. Breathing threw his nose so he didn’t throw up again, Jared slowly got his equilibrium back. Taking the few steps to Rose, he leaned slightly against her. She shifted and tried to put her weight on her foreleg but she couldn’t.
Jared felt tears begin to well up in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know where he was.
“Jared.”
Looking around, Jared tried to figure out who was calling his name. Jensen, he mentally sighed in relief. Now that Jensen was here, everything would be alright. He finally figured out that a lump of mud was Jensen. “Jen,” he said as he helped the man sit up.
Jared was startled as Jensen threw his arms around Jared and pulled him close. Jared’s nose got full of river mud and Jensen let him go as he sneezed. “I thought you were. . .” Jensen let the rest of the sentence trail off.
“So did I, what happened?” Jared asked.
“What do you remember?”
“Falling, water, and then nothing,” Jared told him.
Jensen nodded and tried to stand up, Jared helped him to his feet. They stood leaning against each other as Jensen looked around. Jared knew the moment that Jensen saw Rose’s Dream, he tensed under Jared’s arm. Watching as Jensen looked her over, he felt more than heard Jensen give a soft moan at the state of the mare’s leg. “Oh, girl,” his voice was full of sadness.
“She saved you,” Jensen told him. “I watched you fall and then she came out of nowhere and grabbed you by your shirt and drug you to higher ground. I was worried that she might attack you so I jumped in too, trying to get to you.”
Jared nodded slowly and looked over at the mare; she was lying down. Looking at Jensen in alarm, Jared took a step towards her. “We need to get back, they can help her. Right?”
The sadness in Jensen’s eyes was answer enough. “I’m not even sure where we are. We need to follow the river back to the house, she can’t walk Jared.”
Jared stumbled over to where the mare was. “No.” Kneeling by her head he ran his fingers across her forehead. She sighed and there was a quiet moan under it all. Looking up at Jensen, he had tracks of tears streaming down his face. “What?” he asked half of his question.
“I’ll do it.”
Grasping what Jensen was saying Jared looked down at the horse again.
“How?”
Jensen slipped his knife out of his boot that he had somehow managed to keep in the water. Jared looked at it and back down at the mare. “Do it,” his voice broke.
“It might get messy,” Jensen was trying to warn him. “You might want to move.”
“Are you going to hurt her?”
“No,” Jensen said.
“Then do it,” Jared said.
“Jared,” Jensen tried again.
“She saved me, I will stay.” Jared voice held quiet conviction.
“Okay,” Jensen stood. “Cover her eye so she doesn’t panic,” he said and Jared did as he asked. Jared slipped his hand over her eye with a sob and Jensen quickly placed his fingers on the horse’s neck and with what Jared would have swore was a plea he stabbed quickly into her neck. Rose made a small sound as Jensen withdrew the knife and Jared watched as her blood pumped out of her neck. It spurted and hit Jensen and he fell backwards with a quiet noise.
“What now?” Jared asked as he watched her blood begin to pool and run down the small hillock they were on. He moved his hand from her eye and began to stroke her face again.
“We wait,” Jensen’s voice was small and quiet.
It might have been moments or hours, most likely somewhere in between, before Jensen laid his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “She’s gone.” His voice was harsh like he’d been crying. Jared noticed that he had cleaned the blood off of his face but he couldn’t get it out of his clothes.
Jared nodded, numb. He slid his hand over the horse’s eye and closed it. Standing he had to wait for the pins and needles to go away because he’d been sitting so long. He had remarkably little blood on himself, but he wiped at a spot on his shirt before giving up.
He wanted to bury her but he knew that neither of them had the energy. Closing his eyes after he saw a fly land on the horse’s face, he wished he could plug his ears to the low level buzz that was the flies that had found her blood. Jared turned away and felt the world spin. Jensen was there, helping to steady him.
“You hit your head pretty hard, take it easy,” Jensen spoke soothingly into his ear.
Jared nodded and then regretted it. Between the sound of the flies, the smell of the blood and his head he leaned over and threw up again, retching until there was nothing left in him and then trying to bring up more. Jensen was rubbing his back and offering his handkerchief, which was wet but clean. “It was in my pocket,” Jensen said as Jared looked at it. Jared nodded and wiped his mouth and face off, grimacing as he saw the dirt and blood that came off.
Standing up, Jared looked around for water, he saw a trickle off to his left so he headed for it. Asking Jensen where the water had gone, he dipped the handkerchief in the water until it ran clean.
“Most of the water went down stream. When the land’s so dry, it can’t absorb it quick enough and most of it just rolls off.” It didn’t stop it from being muggy where they were. Wherever that was.
“Where are we?”
“On the ranch still, I think.” Jensen looked upstream and downstream and seemed to Jared to randomly pick a direction. “Let’s go this way.”
Jared was too numb to care so he just followed Jensen. They stopped about an hour later and knelt by the quickly evaporating stream to get a drink. “Had a canteen,” Jensen muttered.
“Sorry,” Jared said and Jensen patted him on the shoulder.
“We should find a place to rest and get out of the sun,” Jensen said and pointed to some trees off to his left. “There should be good.”
“Okay,” Jared said and followed Jensen. When they got to the trees they found no running water but there was shade so they lay down and tried to rest.
Jared fell directly into a nightmare.
Large hands were holding him down, someone was telling him he deserved this and then Jared knew what they were going to do.
“No,” he said and tried to get away but the voice just laughed and held him down.
“I like it when they fight,” the voice said and Jared heard the sound of a buckle being undone.
“No, no no no nonononono,” Jared pleaded.
“Come on you little slut, I was told you would give me what I wanted. Or maybe I should just take it from that little sister of yours. She’s got such a sweet mouth.”
Jared threw his head back and began fighting more, “Leave Megan alone!”
“I will. If you cooperate. You know you like it, I don’t know why you fight me.”
Jared collapsed and stopped fighting. The man fucked his mouth and his ass and told Jared that he was a good slut, with a perfect mouth. That was all he was ever going to be.
Jared shook his head in denial. “Oh yes, my boy. My pretty pretty boy.” Then there was blood, lots of it. Rivers of it flowing around Jared and he could have sworn he heard a whinny off to the right. Looking right, hesitantly, afraid of what he was going to see. Jared saw the mare, Rose’s Dream but she was missing her skin and blood poured off of her and pooled at her feet.
“You can’t do anything right,” Jared heard another voice say. “This is all your fault. She’s dead because of you, Jensen is going to die because of you.”
Jared jerked awake and Jensen was leaning over him. Jensen noticed he was awake and backed off.
“You were having a bad dream,” he said.
Jared sat up nodding and thinking that Jensen was lucky he hadn’t woken up and taken a swing at him. Then he remembered his dream and he folded in on himself. It was all his fault. Jensen had said that Donna had thrown those cops out, that she believed him. Jared choked up. Rose was dead and it was his fault. If only. . . if only he hadn’t run or fell. A tear slipped out from under his eyelid.
Jensen was there but it only made it worse as he slid his arm around Jared’s shoulder, offering him comfort. Jared felt weak as he turned into the other man and cried on his shoulder. Jensen was rubbing his back and murmuring things into his hair that Jared couldn’t make out. Slowly Jared quieted until he was just being held by Jensen and he realized how much he liked it.
Pulling back, Jared wiped at his nose with the handkerchief he still had in his pocket. “Sorry,” Jared murmured looking down.
“It’s okay, I wash,” Jensen said and Jared gave him a half smile. Jensen helped Jared up and Jared swayed for a moment. “When was the last time you ate?” Jensen asked.
“School,” Jared replied quietly.
“That was two days ago,” Jensen said and Jared just snorted, like he didn’t know how long it had been.
“Was longer on the bus here,” Jared told him, trying to prove that he could handle himself.
“You didn’t eat on the trip here? That was what? Three days? You’re just a kid, you need to eat,” Jensen said and missed the flash of pain in Jared’s eyes.
“I’m not a kid. I couldn’t eat, I didn’t have any money and I don’t steal. No matter what my records say.”
“Okay, okay.” Jensen held his hands up trying to placate Jared. “You’re not a kid but you are still growing, hell I’m still growing and to do that right you need food.”
“Wasn’t the first time,” Jared murmured as he turned to look out on the landscape that was lit by the setting sun.
Jared listened to Jensen take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It shouldn’t. . .” he started and then changed his mind about what he wanted to say. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jensen asked him.
Sure Jared wants to air all his dirty laundry so the guy he likes can see it. He opened his mouth to say no but instead he started talking.
“Three no four homes ago, I was fifteen. My foster father, Mr. Smith decided he liked me a little too much,” Jared looked at Jensen to see if he understood. Jensen was frowning. Jared sighed and looked away again. “He liked to touch me, and he wanted me to touch him.”
Jensen gasped as he got it and Jared’s mouth twisted. “I didn’t want to so I ran away. For a week I didn’t eat.”
“What. . .how?” Jensen apparently couldn’t form a complete sentence.
“I ended up giving guys blow jobs for money.” At Jensen’s sounds of dismay Jared explained more. “No one forced me into doing it, unlike before. I got money, I survived. I’m sorry if I’m not good enough.” Jared started walking, heading north with the sunset to his left. Why had he thought that Jensen might understand?
“Hey,” Jensen said as he caught up with Jared. “I’m not judging you.”
Jared turned on Jensen so sharply that Jensen ran into him. He poked his finger into Jensen’s chest. “You were too. I don’t need your pity. I’ve survived.”
“What about living?” Jensen asked him and Jared stood looking at him openmouthed.
Realizing he was standing around catching flies, Jared snapped his mouth shut and turned to walk away. Maybe it would be best if he ended up in juvie. He didn’t want Jensen’s pity or sympathy, he wasn’t sure why he told him. Maybe he was hoping for a reason to push Jensen away. They walked in silence for a while the sound of their boots on the ground the only sound then Jared heard some coyotes and he looked and saw the moon was rising.
“There should be a creek under those trees,” Jensen said quietly. Jared nodded. He wasn’t ready for this shit. He hadn’t wanted to have to kill a horse or tell Jensen about the stuff that happened to him.
“Rose was a good horse,” Jared said. He could feel Jensen staring at him as if he was trying to read his mind.
“She saved you. For that alone I would agree with you,” Jensen agreed after a long pause.
“But, you would have killed her.”
Jensen sighed. “Jared this is a working ranch, do you understand that? We need everything that is on it to work toward making it pay.”
“Comes back to money, always,” Jared said coldly.
“Pretty much everything does,” Jensen said.
Jared’s back stiffened as he got that Jensen was talking about him. He shut his mouth and headed for the trees in the distance silvery in the moonlight. It still felt like he was breathing through a wet cloth, there was so much moisture in the air. Feeling the sweat come to his brow and then not leave was disconcerting especially after how dry it had been. Before he could have ran for a mile and felt dry at the end. Humidity sucked, he decided as he stopped about half way to the trees.
Jensen caught up with him. “I didn’t mean you,” Jensen said as he caught Jared’s eye. Jared shrugged and turned to walk away but Jensen stopped him.
Turning back Jared glared at Jensen. “I don’t need your pity,” Jared’s voice was cold and Jensen dropped his hand from Jared’s arm. Stalking off, Jared was muttering under his breath. “Didn’t ask for anything. Not like I wanted it. I survived. Nothing wrong with me. It’s not like it touched me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing touches me. I’m still here. Supposed to protect Megan. If they do it to me they won’t touch Megan.” Jared didn’t notice when the tears blurred his sight. He stumbled and Jensen was close enough to catch him.
“Jared,” Jensen said.
“I’m fine,” Jared choked out. Jensen didn’t let him go and just looked at him. “I’m fine,” he tried again. Jensen was going to get sick of him if he couldn’t pull himself together. He sucked air in with a gasping tremble and he slowly let it out. He had had to do this enough times with his foster parents.
“Pull yourself together. Nobody likes a sniveler. I haven’t got started yet, boy.” *crack* The sound is louder in his ears than the actual hit feels. He jerks back. . . and Jared fell on his ass in front of Jensen, his arms raised to ward off more blows. He hated getting lost in a memory like that.
Getting down beside him, Jensen carefully reached out. Jared whimpered as Jensen touched his shoulder. Slowly he pulled Jared to him until Jensen’s hugging him. A cool breeze flowed over them and they both sighed with relief. “It’s okay,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s hair. Jared shook his head slightly, it wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay.
Jensen let Jared sit there, holding on to him the whole time. Finally Jared drew back and Jensen let him go. Jared almost whimpered at the loss, but he managed to keep it behind his teeth. Jensen leaned in so their foreheads were touching. “Let’s make it to the trees and the water. It’s not hot now but it will be once the sun comes up and we need shade.”
Nodding, Jared let Jensen help him up. They headed for the trees once more. Jared’s breakdown must have been longer than he thought because he could see the sky lightening in the east. His stomach rumbled and it was echoed by Jensen’s, they shared a smile and kept walking. They got to the trees just as the sun rose over the horizon. Jensen leading them deeper in and they stopped to listen.
There was no sound of running water, but Jensen stayed calm, so Jared did too. Heading for where the vegetation was the thickest, Jensen was watching the ground for something. He stopped and started digging. Not too far down water started to fill the hole, Jared got on his hands and knees and helped to dig. They let the hole fill and waited for the dirt to settle.
“Once, when I was visiting my Aunt in California,” Jensen began to talk while they waited. “I was pulled behind our car in the driveway by a boy. He was older than me. I was six. He could have been anywhere between twelve and sixteen.” Jensen shrugged. “Anyway, he touched me. Put my penis in his mouth,” Jensen’s looked at the ground. “He asked me if it felt good. It did. It did.” Jensen repeated quietly. “Then he wanted me to do that to him. I remember the feeling of the rocks on the driveway under my knees. I remember the heat that rose up. But what I don’t remember is sucking him. He had orange shorts and black tennis shoes, but I can’t remember what color his hair was.” Jensen glanced up looking at Jared briefly.
“He told me it was a secret. Asked me if I could keep a secret. I remember feeling proud that he trusted me.” Jensen smiled a self mocking half smile. “Years later, I asked Mom, who was there when we were and she said no one was. So half the time I’m wondering if I imagined the whole thing and then something will happen, I’ll catch a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye and I’ll be back there in the heat with the gravel digging holes in my knees and I’ll know I didn’t imagine it. I never told anyone because I was never sure it happened or who it happened with.” Jensen rocked back on his heels and he didn’t look at Jared.
“I was eleven,” Jared spoke softly looking off in the distance, like he could see though time to his younger self. “My foster dad started giving me attention, affection I guess you’d say. I liked it. Most of my other foster parents had been too busy or just didn’t care. I guess I should have known better, no one ever likes me. Anyway, as you can guess, it went from attention to touching. I was twelve the first time he fucked me.”
Jensen made a noise and Jared looked up at him, thinking Jensen was judging him. His face was devoid of any expression, so Jared gave a small cough and continued.
“He threatened to hurt Megan, to do those things to her. So I let him, I didn’t fight back. I tried to please him. I. . .I never told Jeff. I never told anyone. I’m such a slut, I must have wanted it. He. . .he made me beg him sometimes to do it to me.” He looked up at Jensen. “I’m bad, you shouldn’t. . .” he motioned between them.
Moving slightly closer to Jared, Jensen started talking. “You’re not bad. You are not polluted or whatever other thought that got put into your head. You are beautiful and strong, and if I wasn’t so attracted to you I would be proud to call you brother.”
Jared’s eyes widened. “I. . .I. . .” He didn’t know what to say but Jensen didn’t scare him. He felt a tiny flicker of hope spring to life inside him. Before he could stop and think about it he closed the distance between them and kissed Jensen.
At first, Jensen didn’t do anything but then he slowly moved his lips over Jared’s and Jared parted his mouth and Jensen’s tongue hesitantly dipped in. Jared touched Jensen’s tongue with his own. He had never done this. No one had ever wanted to kiss him before. He followed what Jensen did, letting his tongue slide into Jensen’s mouth, tasting dust and something that was purely Jensen. Jared was almost ready to panic but Jensen seemed to understand that he had given about all he could.
Jensen pulled back and they both smiled. Jensen let Jared go and knelt down to check on the water. There was enough for them both to have a drink. Jensen took the first sip and then stepped back and let Jared get a drink. Jared drank deep but he made sure he left some for Jensen. Kneeling, Jensen took another drink and then he wet his handkerchief and wrung it out. Jared tried not to see that the water that came off of it was red. Jensen wet it again and then he settled in the shade up against a rock and Jared just looked at him.
“We need to rest, we can’t travel in the heat.”
That made sense to Jared he slid down the rock to sit beside Jensen. Jensen pulled him against his shoulder and rested his cheek on top of Jared’s head. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”
Jared wasn’t sure but he knew he wanted more than anything to believe him. So he just nodded and closed his eyes, ignoring his growling stomach. He woke up some time later with horrible stomach cramps, feeling a gurgle in his bowels that told him he had to move and now. Stumbling to his feet he managed to make it to the bushes and get his pants off before he emptied his bowels in a liquid rush.
He would have been embarrassed except he heard Jensen somewhere off to his left doing the same thing.
“Something in the water?” Jared asked as everything seemed to settle down. He was panicked until he saw a maple tree nearby with nice broad leaves. Pulling off a few handfuls he cleaned up as best he could and put his pants back on. “Want some leaves?”
“Please,” Jensen asked and Jared pulled off some more leaves and headed for Jensen’s voice. Jared thrust the leaves at Jensen and walked away to give him some privacy. If they were lucky it was over.
Four hours later Jared was sure that whatever gods there were hated him. The last time he had wiped there had been blood, but that had be a while ago and now he was hopeful that it was really over.
Jensen seemed to be worse off than him. Jared was worried, Jensen was dizzy and disoriented. Knowing that Jensen was dehydrated, Jared didn’t trust the water so as soon as the sun was low in the sky, he started them moving again.
He heard a helicopter to the north but he never saw it. Suspecting that the Ackles were out looking for both him and Jensen made him feel better. He headed to the next clump of trees that he could see in the distance. Supporting and at times half carrying Jensen, Jared trudged on. He had moved beyond hunger and thirst, that wasn’t good. He picked up a small rock from the ground and stuck it into his mouth, trying to get some moisture.
Jensen kept talking about sleep and Jared knew what he meant, more than anything he just wanted to lay down and sleep but he couldn’t. He urged Jensen onward and they walked right into disaster. If Jared had been more alert he would have heard the buzzing but he wasn’t and when the bees attacked it was a surprise. There was nothing, then as they passed a rocky outcrop they were suddenly surrounded by a swarm of angry bees. They had walked into a mess of killer bees, the bees that Jensen and Megan had both warned him about them but they said they were easy to avoid. Yeah as long as you didn’t walk right up to where their hive was, they were easy to avoid.
Jared tried to pull Jensen into a run but he stumbled and fell down. Jared reached down and picked him up and carried him away as fast he could, swiping bees off as fast as he could. He could see where the welts were rising on Jensen’s face by the dimming light of the sunset. The irony wasn’t lost on Jared that if they had just been a few minutes slower the bees would have been asleep for the night and most likely Jared and Jensen wouldn’t have been attacked. He kept walking until he realized just how unresponsive Jensen was.
Judging that they were far enough away from the bees, Jared set Jensen down on the ground. He was unconscious and his breathing was labored. Jared almost freaked out until he realized that Jensen needed him. He double checked him for any more bees and grew more and more alarmed at just how many times Jensen had been stung.
With relief he heard the chopper again. Looking up he could see it not too far above the tree line that they had been heading for. He needed to go fast and get help for Jensen. But he didn’t want to leave Jensen like this, he might. . . Jared couldn’t even think it. Jensen drew in another shaky breath and Jared made a decision. Kissing Jensen on the lips, Jared promised him that he would be back. “Just hold on, please.”
He started out trying to run but he just didn’t have the energy so he walked, one foot in front of the other as fast as he could. It seemed like hours later when the light from the helicopter finally fell on him and it began to land. Alan jumped out and he pulled Jared into a hug. Jared pulled back and realized that he had been stung more than he had thought, he couldn’t talk his throat seemed to close on his words almost on his breath.
Alan was dragging him back to the helicopter and Jared was trying to tell him about Jensen. Finally he dug his feet into the dirt and Alan turned back to look at him. Jared pointed out into the brush where he had come from. Held up two fingers looking intently at Alan and pointed again. ‘Jensen,’ Alan Ackles mouthed to him. Jared nodded emphatically and Alan nodded and pulled Jared into the helicopter.
He was given a shot of what he would find out later was adrenalin and he wouldn’t lie down until Jensen was safe too. They were going slowly in the direction that Jared had come from until finally someone spotted Jensen and then they were landing.
Alan was rushing over to Jensen and then he yelled back to the helicopter and started CPR on Jensen. No! He was out of the helicopter and running up to Jensen. Then there was another helicopter landing and Jared and Alan were pushed out of the way as paramedics began to work on him. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. A sob caught in Jared’s throat. Someone led him and Alan back to the helicopter saying something about getting Jared to the emergency room then Jared started fighting. He had to stay with Jensen, he had to.
Crying, Alan slapped him and Jared looked at the man. They both had tears streaming down their faces. ‘Hospital,” Alan mouthed at him, the helicopter too loud for his voice to be heard. Jared fell back into a seat and he nodded, wondering if he was ever going to see Jensen again.
The helicopter dropped them off fifteen minutes later, just after Jensen’s copter. They were greeted by a nurse who took one look at Jared then led him to a chair and wheeled him into the hospital. There were a bunch of people around one bed Jared saw as the nurse helped him into another bed on the other side of the emergency ward.
“Code blue,” someone called out from the corner and Jared sat up trying to see and at the same time afraid to see who they were working on. There was a gap and Jared could see Jensen with a tube down his throat. “Clear,” someone else said and everyone stopped working on Jensen and then he arched his back and Jared stifled a sob as the gap closed and he could no longer see him.
A nurse had started an IV and Jared didn’t notice until he could feel the cooler liquid flowing into his body. Looking up he saw a doctor pull a syringe out of the IV. “For the pain and so you can rest.”
Jared wanted to tell him that he didn’t want to rest, that he needed to know if Jensen was okay. But whatever the man had put into his IV it was fast acting. He felt his eyes close as Alan walked into his room with a devastated look on his face and Jared slipped into unconsciousness with sorrow following him down.
Waking up with the smell of hospital in his nose, Jared’s eyes snapped open. Then he remembered and he wished he could just go back to sleep. Someone snored softly and Jared looked around. He saw Mackenzie looking most uncomfortable in a chair yet still managing to sleep. Jared could see tear tracks that traced her face and Jared’s last hope that it had just been a nightmare blew away. Making a strangled sort of noise when he tried to muffle a sob, he woke Mackenzie up.
“Jared,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” Jared croaked out, his throat hurt.
“You’re awake, I’m supposed to get Mom if, when you woke up,” she tried to cover up her mistake. Jared nodded and she left returning moments later with Donna.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said again.
“You’re all right, that’s what’s important,” Donna told him her eyes bright with tears.
Jared shook his head. “About Jensen,” he managed to get out past his abused throat.
“What about me?” A voice that Jared had thought he was never going to hear again, said to him.
Jared’s head swung around so fast that his neck cracked but Jared didn’t notice. Jensen was in the bed next to him. Alive. Alive! He beamed a smile at the man in the other bed.
“It was you we were worried about,” Jensen said. “You had a reaction to the morphine that they gave you. You almost died. As it was you were on a respirator for a while.”
That explained the sore throat. “But what about you?” Jared asked.
Jensen gave him a cocky grin. “I coded but they brought me back. I’m almost good as new.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” A doctor said as she walked into the hospital room. “I hear that sleeping beauty woke up.” She gave Jared a wink. Jared looked down at his hands unsure of what he was supposed to do.
She checked his vital signs and gave him a smile. “We’ll get you out of here soon. No reason to keep healthy people in the hospital now that they are awake.”
Donna looked at the doctor. “Today?”
She nodded. “As long as sleeping beauty here can eat something, you can leave this afternoon.”
Donna smiled at the doctor and then looked at Jared. “Eat,” she said with a stern look on her face that Jared smiled at.
“Get me some food,” Jared said.
“Me too,” Jensen said after him.
“You’ve had breakfast,” the doctor told him.
Jensen pouted and when Jared’s food came, he gave Jensen the toast, watching as Jensen ate it with a grin. Jared was happy that Donna left them alone while he ate, his hands were shaking pretty bad.
“What do you remember?” Jared asked Jensen to distract him from staring.
“I remember the flash flood and Rose,” sadness was in his voice, “I remember walking and being thirsty.” Jensen stared at Jared for a long moment. “We talked about stuff and I remember being sick and a kiss that was pretty wonderful. Thirsty, oh was I thirsty and then,” Jensen paused and thought for a moment. “Bees, holy shit we walked into a hive of killer bees.”
Jared nodded his way through Jensen’s explanation though he froze when Jensen mentioned the kiss. Swallowing his last bite of soup, Jared pushed his tray away. He had to ask but he really didn’t want to. “Do you remember what we talked about.”
Jensen looked down at his hands that were twisting his blanket into little knots. Releasing it he took a deep breath and smoothed his blanket down. “We talked about what happened to me in California when I was six and about what happened to you at your foster home when you were young, too young.” Jensen glanced over at Jared and then back down at his hands. “I. . .I really think you need to tell someone, talk to someone.”
“I did tell someone,” Jared said quietly, “you.”
“I meant a professional, I can’t. . .I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay. You’re the first person I told, and my world didn’t explode. Which, I guess, was what I was afraid would happen. Maybe I can talk to Cindy about some of this shit.”
“Good,” Jensen said and swung his feet out of bed. Jared could see swellings that dotted his legs.
“Is it all like that?”
“My face and neck are pretty clear of them. Thank you by the way. The doc said that if you hadn’t managed to get me away from there, I would have died.” Jensen pulled his gown up a bit and showed Jared that he was covered with the stings. Walking over to a bag that was in a chair he pulled out jeans and held them up to him. They were too long for him, he grinned and tossed them to Jared, who had swung his legs out of bed.
“Doc says that we’ll need to take some kind of anti-histamine for a while to help with swelling and itching. And, lucky us, we get to carry epi-pens in case we get stung again. She thinks that our bodies might have gotten hyper-sensitive to the bees, so we might go into some kind of shock if one of us gets stung.” Jensen gave Jared the rest of his clothes while he talked.
“Anaphylactic,” Jared said.
“What?”
“Anaphylactic shock. I had a classmate almost die because of a peanut that got into his lunch. They said it was anaphylactic shock,” Jared said and pulled the curtain that was between them so that they could both dress in privacy.
Donna, Alan, and Mackenzie were all at the hospital. Jared was embarrassed and tried to apologize. Donna told him that they were glad he was all right and that Jensen was all right. Everything else was second to that.
A week later he was sitting in front of Cindy, talking about what happened to him when he was younger. They talked for over an hour and she cancelled her next appointment just so Jared could get it all out. He was afraid if he didn’t tell it all then he wouldn’t be able to finish later.
“I can understand why you would want to know how you know if you were gay,” she said to him.
Jared shook his head. He told her about Rose’s Dream and how he finally figured out on his own; he had just asked her to confirm his ideas.
“Sounds like she’s a good friend,” Cindy said.
“She was a horse,” Jared said quietly.
“I have found some of my best friends have worn fur or feathers, shape doesn’t matter,” Cindy said and then asked, “You said was. . .”
Jared launched into the story of his running away. About Rose and Jensen finding him, about the flash flood and about how he fell into the water. Jared choked up when he told her about how Jensen said that she had saved him. Explaining to her how shocked he was when he realized that her leg was broken and what that meant.
“There was no way to get help, we couldn’t just leave her there to die,” Jared said between tears.
“Of course not,” Cindy agreed but it didn’t make Jared feel any better.
“We, Jensen he. . .” Jared stumbled. “He said it wouldn’t hurt and it didn’t seem to. She was a good horse.” Jared was crying now where before when he had been talking about what had happened to him he had been almost clinical. “She was my friend. They said she was dangerous, that she needed to be put down. She was like me, broken a little, messed up,” Jared was talking through gasping sobs. “Maybe,” he looked up at Cindy and then back down to his hands that he had clasped in front of him, “maybe, I need to be put down.”
“Jared, no,” Cindy was firm. “From what you have said, she might have been dangerous to others. You are not. You have been working so hard on controlling your temper and you are so brave in coming here and telling me what you have. I’m sorry your friend died, and that you had to watch it happen. But it doesn’t change that you have come a long, long way from the boy who walked in here a few of months ago.” Cindy took a breath and she seemed to want to reach out to Jared.
“It’ll get better, I promise.”
Jared looked at her closely.
“I’m not saying it won’t take time and some work but it will get better,” Cindy said and looked him in the eye. She asked him to keep a journal. He didn’t have to show it to her or anyone but it might be a way of organizing his feelings. He nodded.
“Next week,” she said and pushed a button to call her receptionist again.
Jared stood up and walked to the door stopping with his hand on the knob.
“You know, Rose was lucky too, lucky that she got to see the real you,” Cindy said quietly and Jared didn’t know how to respond to that so he nodded and left.
Three weeks later Jared felt better and worse. He was more confident in how he was reacting to people in very small increments. However Jensen, Jensen was driving him crazy. Jared was packing to go and stay with Jeff for the Thanksgiving holiday and he was frustrated. He hadn’t managed to get Jensen alone for more than a minute after they got out of the hospital. It was like Jensen was going out of his way to avoid him and it hurt.
Leaving in less than twelve hours didn’t leave him with time to really sit him down and talk with Jensen. Jared went to the kitchen to get a drink and stood staring again out into the yard. Thinking maybe he’d get to see Jensen but he didn’t. Turning to go back to bed he was brought up short by Jensen who was standing in the hallway the light behind him so Jared couldn’t see his face.
“I’ll be out of your hair for a few days,” Jared said.
“Look, I,” Jensen started.
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You have made it very clear you don’t want to be around me, I’m just letting you know that I’m leaving for a while.” Jared was angry and tired. He pushed past Jensen and walked to his room.
“Sorry,” Jared heard Jensen murmur and Jared walked into his room and shut the door.
Visiting with Jeff was great. He cooked and they talked about Megan and the Ackles, hardly mentioning Jensen. Finally the day after Thanksgiving, Jared started talking about what had happened to him. Jeff confirmed that yeah it had happened to him too but he had wanted to protect Jared and Megan. Jared nodded.
He told Jeff about therapy and Cindy and how she really was helping him straighten things out. Then at night right before bed Jared told Jeff about being gay. He was planning on leaving the next morning so he figured this was his last chance.
Jeff reacted badly.
“You can’t be, it’s just because of what happened to you. You’re confused,” Jeff told him at first.
“I’m not confused. I’m not a baby,” Jared said, trying to stay calm.
“Stuff happened to me in jail, too. When I got out I was wondering if it made me gay. But as soon as I got laid I was good. How many people have to slept with?”
Jared didn’t think he was talking about the molestation so he told him no one.
“There’s your problem -- we need to get you laid,” Jeff said and Jared was shaking his head. It wasn’t about sex, it was about who he was attracted to, who he liked. But Jeff was adamant and called up one of his friends. Jared blushed as Jeff said his little brother needed his cherry popped. Pretty soon there was a knock on the door.
Jeff let a woman in. She looked Jared over and then gave Jeff a cat that ate the canary smile. “Sure,” she said.
“Well get to it. I’m going to take a long walk. Take your time,” Jeff said, stepping out the door and shutting it behind him.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said. “I can’t do this.”
“Aw sugar, how do you know ‘til you try?” She walked up to him and put her hand on his crotch. Jared nearly jumped out of his skin. She was determined however and kept rubbing him until he was halfway hard.
“No,” he said stepping back.
“What are you some kind of queer or something,” she snapped.
“Yeah, I am,” Jared told her.
“Well then I ain’t wasting my here. Tell your brother to pick a boy next time. This is the last time I’m doing him a favor.” She hadn’t even gotten out of her coat.
Jeff got back half an hour later. “So?” he asked.
“So, nothing,” Jared snapped. “I’m gay, getting laid by a girl isn’t going to change that.”
“You’re not gay, stop saying that,” Jeff demanded.
“What are you going to do? Hit me? What?” Jared asked getting in Jeff’s face. “I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. If you can’t handle that then maybe I should leave now.”
“Maybe you should,” Jeff said.
Jared had tears in his eyes as he turned and headed back to the small bedroom that he had been staying in. Grabbing his clothes and tossing them into his duffle, he slammed out of the room and headed for the front door. Jeff stopped him before he got there.
“You need to figure this out, Jared. No brother of mine is going to be gay. I didn’t go to prison for you just so you could end up a fudge packer.”
Jerking out of Jeff’s grasp, Jared glared at him.
“Maybe I don’t want to be your brother then, because I am what I am.”
“If you leave, don’t bother trying to come back,” Jeff said.
Jared stood looking at his brother for a long moment. “Fine, I won’t,” he said and left. Finding a payphone down the block Jared stopped and called Jensen’s cell phone. It was close to two in the morning and he was just praying that Jensen had the thing on him.
“Hello,” Jensen answered.
Jared was quiet for a moment and Jensen said it again. “Hello?”
Clearing his throat Jared spoke up finally. “Hi.”
“Jared? Is everything okay?”
Tears started to fill his eyes. Why did Jeff have to be this way? “I. . .I need a ride.”
“Now?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I was supposed to take the bus back there but Jeff’s got the ticket,” Jared managed to say.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m on my way. Where are you?” Jensen asked.
“There’s a Safeway down the road, the only one in town.”
“Okay, I see you there in--” Jared could almost feel Jensen figuring out driving time. “Four hours.”
“Thank you,” Jared said quietly.
“Just, be safe,” Jensen said and hung up.
Four hours later, Jared was climbing into Jensen’s truck. Jensen smiled at him and then pulled out of the parking lot. Giving up on trying to get Jared to talk, Jensen talked about what he had been doing. How the horses were. How Mac was.
“Dude, I only left three days ago,” Jared said.
Jensen gave him a smile and shut up. They drove in silence for about an hour then Jared, who had been watching the mile posts pass, coming into view by the headlights and then fading into the darkness again, spoke up.
“I told Jeff,” Jared looked over at Jensen and then back out the side window. “I told him I was gay.”
Jensen made a noise that had Jared looking at him again. “And,” Jensen prompted.
“And he didn’t take it well. Said I wasn’t his brother.” Jared stopped at Jensen’s gasp. “The night before we had talked about being abused and he told me it was because of that, that I was confused. I am not confused. Cindy said it is who you are attracted to and I am not attracted to girls,” Jared said quietly.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said.
“Why? Do you think it’s just because of what happened to me that made me this way?” Jared was defensive.
“No, I’m sorry your brother wasn’t more understanding. For what it’s worth Mom and Dad won’t think twice about it. I told them I thought I was gay years ago,” Jensen explained.
Jared looked at Jensen in surprise. “But, what about those girls?”
Jensen smirked at Jared. “Just ‘cause I like men doesn’t mean I can’t find a woman beautiful.”
“Oh,” Jared said and then went back to staring out the window, lost in thought. “Why weren’t you talking to me afterwards.” Jared didn’t think he’d have to explain after what. “Were you ashamed of me?” Jared asked quietly.
“No, dude you had just almost died. I almost died. I wanted you to be sure and not just grateful or something,” Jensen tried to explain. “And maybe I’m scared. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I haven’t had a successful relationship. My parents love you, Mac thinks of you like a brother and you are still in high school. I freaked a little, I’m sorry.”
Jared nodded slowly, accepting Jensen’s apology. Talking about Mackenzie made him think about Megan. “Do you think Megan will still want to see me? I mean after she finds out.” Jared spoke up after a few miles.
“Well, I don’t know her but yeah I do. I think your brother is taking it like an attack on his manhood or something. That shouldn’t happen with Megan.”
“But what if she’s found Jesus and she thinks I’m evil?”
“Do you think you’re evil?”
Jared shook his head. “I’ve been like this forever, I just never talked about it.”
“Gee I wonder why,” Jensen said sarcastically. “Seriously, I think she’ll take it better than your brother. She could hardly take it worse.”
“But what if she doesn’t want to see me anymore?” Jared asked.
“You can ‘what if’ it to death. Or you can just tell her and find out what happens. No matter what, I’ll be here for you.” Jensen reached over and squeezed Jared’s hand, letting go before he could pull away. Jared wasn’t sure what Jensen meant and was afraid to ask, so he sat there.
They turned down the drive to get to the Ackles just as the sun peeked over the horizon and Jared sat up a bit. There was a silver BMW in the drive, Jensen parked the truck and looked at Jared. “Josh is here, just ‘till tomorrow. He has your room. You can sleep on the couch or. . .” Jensen voice trailed off and he blushed.
“Or?” Jared asked.
“Or you could stay in my room. I won’t try anything, I promise.” Jensen was trying to reassure Jared and Jared was comforted that Jensen thought about him.
“Your room is fine, I trust you.” Jared realized that he meant it. He did trust Jensen.
Jensen smiled, that big toe curling smile. “Okay, great, then let’s get in. Mom’s looking forward to feeding you.”
Jared smiled and followed Jensen into the house. He was tired but managed to stay awake through breakfast. Jensen said something about them sharing a room and Donna nodded. The next thing Jared knew he was bundled off to Jensen’s room with a set of pajamas and orders to get some rest. They kept Jensen in the kitchen to question him but it didn’t upset Jared. At least they cared.
Stumbling out of the shower, Jared slipped into the night clothes and then into Jensen’s full sized bed. He barely woke when Jensen came in a while later. “Scoot over, you lug,” Jensen said and pushed on him.
Jared moved closer to the wall and felt the bed dip as Jensen got into bed, then he fell back asleep. Waking hours later, Jared found he was wrapped around Jensen. Jared blushed as he realized that he had been rubbing up against Jensen like a cat in heat. He pulled back.
Jensen cleared his throat and if Jared thought he was embarrassed before that was nothing compared to this. He could feel the heat rising from his face.
“Don’t stop on my account,” Jensen said quietly.
“But, I don’t want to. . .” Jared said and stopped as Jensen turned and settled in his arms, faces close.
“What?”
“Take advantage,” Jared said.
Jensen smiled, flashing his teeth. “Trust me, if anyone wants to take advantage it’s me.”
Jared raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?” He couldn’t believe he was flirting with Jensen.
Leaning in a little closer, Jensen gave Jared plenty of time to move if he wanted to. Jared didn’t want to so when Jensen’s breath flowed over his lips he parted them. “Just a kiss,” Jensen said quietly before capturing Jared’s lips with his.
Jared felt a bolt of desire start in his middle and head somewhere lower. For the first time ever, his desire wasn’t followed by shame or guilt. The whole thing he’d been through with Jensen and the fight with Jeff seemed to solidify something that he hadn’t really been sure of. This was what he wanted. To be in Jensen’s arms. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, his tongue tentatively touching Jensen’s.
Jensen moaned and leaned in more, kissing Jared back. Tongues tangled and lips parted and came together again. Jared lifted his hand hesitantly and touched Jensen’s face. Jensen pulled back and they stared at one another. Jared’s long fingers ran across Jensen’s cheek his thumb brushing Jensen’s lower lip. Jensen’s mouth parted and his eyes closed. Jared was amazed that he could do this to Jensen. He curled his fingers around Jensen’s chin and pulled him closer for another kiss.
Jared ran his tongue around the edge of Jensen’s lips and he pulled the lower one between his teeth. Jensen pressed closer and they were together head to toe. Jared could feel Jensen’s hard on pressing against his hip and he was more than aware of his own hard cock that was pushing against Jensen’s stomach.
Shifting so that their erections lined up, Jared pushed his hips forward and was rewarded with a gasp from Jensen. He leaned back again to look at Jared. “Is this okay?”
“Hell yes,” Jared answered and pulled him back down again, his hips pushing against Jensen’s, their cocks rubbing through their pajamas. Lips met, breath mingled as they came together again. It had been so long since Jared had felt desire without any shame that he was emotionally overwhelmed and very close to coming. “Jensen,” he whispered, almost a plea.
“You’re safe, I’ve got ya,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s ear before biting on the lobe. Once again, it seemed that he just needed to hear Jensen say it and he believed it. Letting go, Jared pressed harder against Jensen. He could feel his release building, he whimpered and bit down on Jensen’s shoulder as he came, warm dampness spreading between them. Jensen made a small noise and pushed against Jared a couple more times before he held still and Jared could feel his cock pulsing between them.
Laying in Jensen’s arms, Jared knew he would have to move soon but he wanted to just revel in the lack of shame he felt. It was good. He pushed off of Jensen slowly. “Shower?”
“Sure,” Jensen said with another of those smiles that Jared loved. Getting up they both went into the bathroom. Realizing that showering with Jensen meant getting naked with Jensen, Jared backpedaled.
“You first,” he said. “I’ll get us some clean clothes.”
Jensen looked a little confused but he just told Jared okay and stripped, getting into the shower. Jared went back out, checking the bed first to make sure he didn’t need to change the sheets, then he found Jensen some sweatpants and underwear. Digging a pair of his sweats out of his duffel and snagging a t-shirt, he waited until Jensen shut the water off before heading back in.
“Here,” Jared said with a small smile handing Jensen the sweats.
“Thanks,” Jensen said and while he dried off Jared tried not to stare. Jensen was perfect, at least to Jared’s eyes.
Jared waited for Jensen to leave the bathroom before he started to take off his pajamas. Laying the come soaked items in a pile with Jensen’s, Jared started the water, avoiding looking into any mirrors. Jared washed and tried to keep the feeling of contentment that he had had. However the thought of what Jensen’s reaction would be to seeing him naked, it made him want to curl up into a little ball.
Foster home eleven, while he wasn’t sexually abused there he had been physically abused. His foster mom would put cigarettes out on his back when he did something she didn’t like, like breathing too loudly. And then good old dad was quick with his hand and quicker with his belt. One time, Jared still didn’t know what he’d done wrong, his foster dad had laid into him with the buckle side of the belt. Jared remembered screaming and then something being stuffed in his mouth. The blood seemed to excite the guy and while Jared was trying to remember how to breathe with the cloth shoved into his mouth and snot and tears running down his face, his foster father had gotten a knife.
He had stopped only when he realized that Jared was bleeding onto his precious carpet, leaving bloodstains that Jared would later scrub on trying to get them out. Jared had healed, slowly and badly because he kept breaking the wounds open while doing housework. It happened at the start of winter break and by the time he was back in school, the wounds had mostly healed. A month later and he was on to foster home twelve, who just didn’t seem to care at all but then neither did Jared.
But now, thanks to that bastard, his back was a mess, scars crisscrossed it and Jared was very self conscious of it. One of the nurses at the hospital had asked and Jared had told her it had happened long ago, a car accident and she had believed him, just like everyone else did. But he didn’t want to lie to Jensen, and he didn’t know what to say.
He often felt weakened by everything that had happened to him. If he had been stronger he would have told on his foster dad when he molested him. If he had been stronger he would have found a way for Megan and him to stay together. If he had been stronger, he would have fought back like Jeff did instead of just taking everything like he deserved it. Except there was a part of him that said he did deserve it, because he wasn’t ever strong enough.
He washed the drying come off of his stomach and then washed the rest of himself. He dried off and put on the sweats and t-shirt. Opening the door he stopped and looked a Jensen who was sitting on the edge of the bed, in sweat pants only. Jared’s eyes took in the smooth tan skin of Jensen’s chest and arms, finally he looked at Jensen’s face. Jensen was watching him with a half smile on his face.
“Like what you see?”
Jared walked over to Jensen standing between his legs. Jensen tilted his head back and Jared leaned down. “Yeah, I do,” Jared said before capturing Jensen’s lips in a kiss.
“Good,” Jensen said. “Let’s go get some food. It’s got to be dinner time. I think I smell dinner.”
“Okay,” Jared said.
“And you can meet Josh,” Jensen sounded excited. “Come on.” He tugged at Jared’s hand.
“Don’t you think you should. . .”
“What?” Jensen asked.
“Put a shirt on?” Jared said.
“Oh yeah,” Jensen said snagging a shirt from his dresser. “This’ll do.” He didn’t even look at it just pulled it over his head. Giving Jared a smile he led him into the kitchen and into chaos.
“Jared,” Mackenzie yelled.
“Mac no yelling,” Donna said and waved at Jared and Jensen.
“Glad you could join us,” Alan said. “You haven’t met Josh, come here.” He led Jared away from Jensen and into the mess. He could see at least five of Mackenzie’s friends and a couple of men over in a corner.
“Jensen come here,” Alan yelled.
“Allen,” Donna said exasperated.
“What?” Allen looked at her so innocently that Jared laughed.
Jensen was smiling at his dad and he came and stood near Jared.
“Jared, Jensen this is Chris, Josh’s partner. Jared this is Josh.” Alan introduced the men. Chris was quiet but then so was Jared in the hubbub that was going on around them they just smiled at one another. Josh on the other hand.
“Jared,” Josh smiled and shook Jared’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Jared’s eyebrows raised. “All good, I promise. It sounds like you fit in here pretty good.” Jared smiled, uncertain as to what he was supposed to say. “Sorry about taking your room. Well, it used to be mine but Mom gave me up for lost a long time ago.”
“I heard that Josh Ackles,” Donna said, looking up from where she was setting the table.
“You were supposed to,” Josh said and stuck his tongue out at Donna. Chris bumped Josh and told him to grow up, before going over to see if Donna needed help.
Jensen and Alan got into an argument about who should have won the Lone Star Showdown, Jensen saying that the Aggies clearly played the better game but Alan saying that didn’t matter because the Longhorns won. Jared heard something about bad calls and bad refs and then he stopped listening.
Mackenzie and her friends were playing some kind of tag in the kitchen area until Donna ran them all outside for a few. Josh spoke to Jared, surprising him because Jared didn’t even know he was still there.
“So, you and Jensen?”
Jared flushed, wondering if he was that obvious.
“No, you’re not that obvious,” Josh said seeming to read Jared’s mind. “It’s just I haven’t seen Jensen so comfortable with anyone, ever. I hear I have you to thank for saving his life.”
Jared felt the blush start somewhere around his stomach and move outwards, he wondered if it was possible to glow from embarrassment.
“It’s cool,” Josh said. “If you ever want an older brother’s perspective on things, just give me a call. I can usually get what’s bugging Jenny in five words or less. It’s a game Mom and I play.”
Jared stood there, conflicting emotions running through his body; embarrassment still, and envy that Jensen’s brother was so cool about everything when Jeff had been such an ass, and gratefulness that Josh had offered. He just opened and closed his mouth a few times and Josh smiled one of the wonderful Ackles smiles that made Jared all warm inside.
“You’re welcome,” Josh said and then he turned back to the action in the dining room. “Looks like food’s on. Come on, Mom says you don’t eat enough.”
“An elephant couldn’t eat enough to satisfy that woman,” Jared said under his breath and Josh threw back his head and laughed.
“Welcome to the family,” Josh said and Jared smiled. It felt good here. For the first time ever it felt like home.
edit: next story : Find His Way Back
Author: gestaltrose aka chaosrosa
Title: Brand New Start
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 21,000/10,300 this part give or take a few
Beta the ever lovely embroiderama and the lovely monica_catch22 who encouraged me in my deviant ways.
Warnings: underage (Jared is 17), Hurt!Jared, graphic descriptions of abuse(in the past), missuse of the Padalecki and the Ackles familes.
Disclaimer: Jared and Jensen belong to themselves. This is a work of Fiction and as such it in no way depicts real people although their names are used. This does not represent the sexual orientation or the prejudices anyone may have. No offense intended.
Summary: Jared Padalecki is one messed up kid, after his parents die he his tossed from Foster home to Foster home slowly losing everyone he loves. He's given one last chance with the Ackles. Can he come to peace with his past? Will he admit that he's attracted to Jensen? AU story of a hurt boy who's trying to find some peace and maybe, if he's lucky, love.
Part One
Jared woke up and he was surprised to find himself alive. He could feel his stomach heaving and rolled to his side to vomit up dirty water. Every muscle in his body ached, muscles he didn’t even know he had. It took him three tries to push up and look around to try to figure out where he was. He didn’t recognize anything but he saw the horse standing on three feet, not far from him. Holding out his hand to her, Jared slowly got to his feet.
“You’re hurt,” he murmured and held still as he felt the world spin around him. He had taken blows to the head before and knew that he had to wait out the dizziness. Breathing threw his nose so he didn’t throw up again, Jared slowly got his equilibrium back. Taking the few steps to Rose, he leaned slightly against her. She shifted and tried to put her weight on her foreleg but she couldn’t.
Jared felt tears begin to well up in his eyes. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know where he was.
“Jared.”
Looking around, Jared tried to figure out who was calling his name. Jensen, he mentally sighed in relief. Now that Jensen was here, everything would be alright. He finally figured out that a lump of mud was Jensen. “Jen,” he said as he helped the man sit up.
Jared was startled as Jensen threw his arms around Jared and pulled him close. Jared’s nose got full of river mud and Jensen let him go as he sneezed. “I thought you were. . .” Jensen let the rest of the sentence trail off.
“So did I, what happened?” Jared asked.
“What do you remember?”
“Falling, water, and then nothing,” Jared told him.
Jensen nodded and tried to stand up, Jared helped him to his feet. They stood leaning against each other as Jensen looked around. Jared knew the moment that Jensen saw Rose’s Dream, he tensed under Jared’s arm. Watching as Jensen looked her over, he felt more than heard Jensen give a soft moan at the state of the mare’s leg. “Oh, girl,” his voice was full of sadness.
“She saved you,” Jensen told him. “I watched you fall and then she came out of nowhere and grabbed you by your shirt and drug you to higher ground. I was worried that she might attack you so I jumped in too, trying to get to you.”
Jared nodded slowly and looked over at the mare; she was lying down. Looking at Jensen in alarm, Jared took a step towards her. “We need to get back, they can help her. Right?”
The sadness in Jensen’s eyes was answer enough. “I’m not even sure where we are. We need to follow the river back to the house, she can’t walk Jared.”
Jared stumbled over to where the mare was. “No.” Kneeling by her head he ran his fingers across her forehead. She sighed and there was a quiet moan under it all. Looking up at Jensen, he had tracks of tears streaming down his face. “What?” he asked half of his question.
“I’ll do it.”
Grasping what Jensen was saying Jared looked down at the horse again.
“How?”
Jensen slipped his knife out of his boot that he had somehow managed to keep in the water. Jared looked at it and back down at the mare. “Do it,” his voice broke.
“It might get messy,” Jensen was trying to warn him. “You might want to move.”
“Are you going to hurt her?”
“No,” Jensen said.
“Then do it,” Jared said.
“Jared,” Jensen tried again.
“She saved me, I will stay.” Jared voice held quiet conviction.
“Okay,” Jensen stood. “Cover her eye so she doesn’t panic,” he said and Jared did as he asked. Jared slipped his hand over her eye with a sob and Jensen quickly placed his fingers on the horse’s neck and with what Jared would have swore was a plea he stabbed quickly into her neck. Rose made a small sound as Jensen withdrew the knife and Jared watched as her blood pumped out of her neck. It spurted and hit Jensen and he fell backwards with a quiet noise.
“What now?” Jared asked as he watched her blood begin to pool and run down the small hillock they were on. He moved his hand from her eye and began to stroke her face again.
“We wait,” Jensen’s voice was small and quiet.
It might have been moments or hours, most likely somewhere in between, before Jensen laid his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “She’s gone.” His voice was harsh like he’d been crying. Jared noticed that he had cleaned the blood off of his face but he couldn’t get it out of his clothes.
Jared nodded, numb. He slid his hand over the horse’s eye and closed it. Standing he had to wait for the pins and needles to go away because he’d been sitting so long. He had remarkably little blood on himself, but he wiped at a spot on his shirt before giving up.
He wanted to bury her but he knew that neither of them had the energy. Closing his eyes after he saw a fly land on the horse’s face, he wished he could plug his ears to the low level buzz that was the flies that had found her blood. Jared turned away and felt the world spin. Jensen was there, helping to steady him.
“You hit your head pretty hard, take it easy,” Jensen spoke soothingly into his ear.
Jared nodded and then regretted it. Between the sound of the flies, the smell of the blood and his head he leaned over and threw up again, retching until there was nothing left in him and then trying to bring up more. Jensen was rubbing his back and offering his handkerchief, which was wet but clean. “It was in my pocket,” Jensen said as Jared looked at it. Jared nodded and wiped his mouth and face off, grimacing as he saw the dirt and blood that came off.
Standing up, Jared looked around for water, he saw a trickle off to his left so he headed for it. Asking Jensen where the water had gone, he dipped the handkerchief in the water until it ran clean.
“Most of the water went down stream. When the land’s so dry, it can’t absorb it quick enough and most of it just rolls off.” It didn’t stop it from being muggy where they were. Wherever that was.
“Where are we?”
“On the ranch still, I think.” Jensen looked upstream and downstream and seemed to Jared to randomly pick a direction. “Let’s go this way.”
Jared was too numb to care so he just followed Jensen. They stopped about an hour later and knelt by the quickly evaporating stream to get a drink. “Had a canteen,” Jensen muttered.
“Sorry,” Jared said and Jensen patted him on the shoulder.
“We should find a place to rest and get out of the sun,” Jensen said and pointed to some trees off to his left. “There should be good.”
“Okay,” Jared said and followed Jensen. When they got to the trees they found no running water but there was shade so they lay down and tried to rest.
Jared fell directly into a nightmare.
Large hands were holding him down, someone was telling him he deserved this and then Jared knew what they were going to do.
“No,” he said and tried to get away but the voice just laughed and held him down.
“I like it when they fight,” the voice said and Jared heard the sound of a buckle being undone.
“No, no no no nonononono,” Jared pleaded.
“Come on you little slut, I was told you would give me what I wanted. Or maybe I should just take it from that little sister of yours. She’s got such a sweet mouth.”
Jared threw his head back and began fighting more, “Leave Megan alone!”
“I will. If you cooperate. You know you like it, I don’t know why you fight me.”
Jared collapsed and stopped fighting. The man fucked his mouth and his ass and told Jared that he was a good slut, with a perfect mouth. That was all he was ever going to be.
Jared shook his head in denial. “Oh yes, my boy. My pretty pretty boy.” Then there was blood, lots of it. Rivers of it flowing around Jared and he could have sworn he heard a whinny off to the right. Looking right, hesitantly, afraid of what he was going to see. Jared saw the mare, Rose’s Dream but she was missing her skin and blood poured off of her and pooled at her feet.
“You can’t do anything right,” Jared heard another voice say. “This is all your fault. She’s dead because of you, Jensen is going to die because of you.”
Jared jerked awake and Jensen was leaning over him. Jensen noticed he was awake and backed off.
“You were having a bad dream,” he said.
Jared sat up nodding and thinking that Jensen was lucky he hadn’t woken up and taken a swing at him. Then he remembered his dream and he folded in on himself. It was all his fault. Jensen had said that Donna had thrown those cops out, that she believed him. Jared choked up. Rose was dead and it was his fault. If only. . . if only he hadn’t run or fell. A tear slipped out from under his eyelid.
Jensen was there but it only made it worse as he slid his arm around Jared’s shoulder, offering him comfort. Jared felt weak as he turned into the other man and cried on his shoulder. Jensen was rubbing his back and murmuring things into his hair that Jared couldn’t make out. Slowly Jared quieted until he was just being held by Jensen and he realized how much he liked it.
Pulling back, Jared wiped at his nose with the handkerchief he still had in his pocket. “Sorry,” Jared murmured looking down.
“It’s okay, I wash,” Jensen said and Jared gave him a half smile. Jensen helped Jared up and Jared swayed for a moment. “When was the last time you ate?” Jensen asked.
“School,” Jared replied quietly.
“That was two days ago,” Jensen said and Jared just snorted, like he didn’t know how long it had been.
“Was longer on the bus here,” Jared told him, trying to prove that he could handle himself.
“You didn’t eat on the trip here? That was what? Three days? You’re just a kid, you need to eat,” Jensen said and missed the flash of pain in Jared’s eyes.
“I’m not a kid. I couldn’t eat, I didn’t have any money and I don’t steal. No matter what my records say.”
“Okay, okay.” Jensen held his hands up trying to placate Jared. “You’re not a kid but you are still growing, hell I’m still growing and to do that right you need food.”
“Wasn’t the first time,” Jared murmured as he turned to look out on the landscape that was lit by the setting sun.
Jared listened to Jensen take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It shouldn’t. . .” he started and then changed his mind about what he wanted to say. “Do you want to talk about it?” Jensen asked him.
Sure Jared wants to air all his dirty laundry so the guy he likes can see it. He opened his mouth to say no but instead he started talking.
“Three no four homes ago, I was fifteen. My foster father, Mr. Smith decided he liked me a little too much,” Jared looked at Jensen to see if he understood. Jensen was frowning. Jared sighed and looked away again. “He liked to touch me, and he wanted me to touch him.”
Jensen gasped as he got it and Jared’s mouth twisted. “I didn’t want to so I ran away. For a week I didn’t eat.”
“What. . .how?” Jensen apparently couldn’t form a complete sentence.
“I ended up giving guys blow jobs for money.” At Jensen’s sounds of dismay Jared explained more. “No one forced me into doing it, unlike before. I got money, I survived. I’m sorry if I’m not good enough.” Jared started walking, heading north with the sunset to his left. Why had he thought that Jensen might understand?
“Hey,” Jensen said as he caught up with Jared. “I’m not judging you.”
Jared turned on Jensen so sharply that Jensen ran into him. He poked his finger into Jensen’s chest. “You were too. I don’t need your pity. I’ve survived.”
“What about living?” Jensen asked him and Jared stood looking at him openmouthed.
Realizing he was standing around catching flies, Jared snapped his mouth shut and turned to walk away. Maybe it would be best if he ended up in juvie. He didn’t want Jensen’s pity or sympathy, he wasn’t sure why he told him. Maybe he was hoping for a reason to push Jensen away. They walked in silence for a while the sound of their boots on the ground the only sound then Jared heard some coyotes and he looked and saw the moon was rising.
“There should be a creek under those trees,” Jensen said quietly. Jared nodded. He wasn’t ready for this shit. He hadn’t wanted to have to kill a horse or tell Jensen about the stuff that happened to him.
“Rose was a good horse,” Jared said. He could feel Jensen staring at him as if he was trying to read his mind.
“She saved you. For that alone I would agree with you,” Jensen agreed after a long pause.
“But, you would have killed her.”
Jensen sighed. “Jared this is a working ranch, do you understand that? We need everything that is on it to work toward making it pay.”
“Comes back to money, always,” Jared said coldly.
“Pretty much everything does,” Jensen said.
Jared’s back stiffened as he got that Jensen was talking about him. He shut his mouth and headed for the trees in the distance silvery in the moonlight. It still felt like he was breathing through a wet cloth, there was so much moisture in the air. Feeling the sweat come to his brow and then not leave was disconcerting especially after how dry it had been. Before he could have ran for a mile and felt dry at the end. Humidity sucked, he decided as he stopped about half way to the trees.
Jensen caught up with him. “I didn’t mean you,” Jensen said as he caught Jared’s eye. Jared shrugged and turned to walk away but Jensen stopped him.
Turning back Jared glared at Jensen. “I don’t need your pity,” Jared’s voice was cold and Jensen dropped his hand from Jared’s arm. Stalking off, Jared was muttering under his breath. “Didn’t ask for anything. Not like I wanted it. I survived. Nothing wrong with me. It’s not like it touched me. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing touches me. I’m still here. Supposed to protect Megan. If they do it to me they won’t touch Megan.” Jared didn’t notice when the tears blurred his sight. He stumbled and Jensen was close enough to catch him.
“Jared,” Jensen said.
“I’m fine,” Jared choked out. Jensen didn’t let him go and just looked at him. “I’m fine,” he tried again. Jensen was going to get sick of him if he couldn’t pull himself together. He sucked air in with a gasping tremble and he slowly let it out. He had had to do this enough times with his foster parents.
“Pull yourself together. Nobody likes a sniveler. I haven’t got started yet, boy.” *crack* The sound is louder in his ears than the actual hit feels. He jerks back. . . and Jared fell on his ass in front of Jensen, his arms raised to ward off more blows. He hated getting lost in a memory like that.
Getting down beside him, Jensen carefully reached out. Jared whimpered as Jensen touched his shoulder. Slowly he pulled Jared to him until Jensen’s hugging him. A cool breeze flowed over them and they both sighed with relief. “It’s okay,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s hair. Jared shook his head slightly, it wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay.
Jensen let Jared sit there, holding on to him the whole time. Finally Jared drew back and Jensen let him go. Jared almost whimpered at the loss, but he managed to keep it behind his teeth. Jensen leaned in so their foreheads were touching. “Let’s make it to the trees and the water. It’s not hot now but it will be once the sun comes up and we need shade.”
Nodding, Jared let Jensen help him up. They headed for the trees once more. Jared’s breakdown must have been longer than he thought because he could see the sky lightening in the east. His stomach rumbled and it was echoed by Jensen’s, they shared a smile and kept walking. They got to the trees just as the sun rose over the horizon. Jensen leading them deeper in and they stopped to listen.
There was no sound of running water, but Jensen stayed calm, so Jared did too. Heading for where the vegetation was the thickest, Jensen was watching the ground for something. He stopped and started digging. Not too far down water started to fill the hole, Jared got on his hands and knees and helped to dig. They let the hole fill and waited for the dirt to settle.
“Once, when I was visiting my Aunt in California,” Jensen began to talk while they waited. “I was pulled behind our car in the driveway by a boy. He was older than me. I was six. He could have been anywhere between twelve and sixteen.” Jensen shrugged. “Anyway, he touched me. Put my penis in his mouth,” Jensen’s looked at the ground. “He asked me if it felt good. It did. It did.” Jensen repeated quietly. “Then he wanted me to do that to him. I remember the feeling of the rocks on the driveway under my knees. I remember the heat that rose up. But what I don’t remember is sucking him. He had orange shorts and black tennis shoes, but I can’t remember what color his hair was.” Jensen glanced up looking at Jared briefly.
“He told me it was a secret. Asked me if I could keep a secret. I remember feeling proud that he trusted me.” Jensen smiled a self mocking half smile. “Years later, I asked Mom, who was there when we were and she said no one was. So half the time I’m wondering if I imagined the whole thing and then something will happen, I’ll catch a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye and I’ll be back there in the heat with the gravel digging holes in my knees and I’ll know I didn’t imagine it. I never told anyone because I was never sure it happened or who it happened with.” Jensen rocked back on his heels and he didn’t look at Jared.
“I was eleven,” Jared spoke softly looking off in the distance, like he could see though time to his younger self. “My foster dad started giving me attention, affection I guess you’d say. I liked it. Most of my other foster parents had been too busy or just didn’t care. I guess I should have known better, no one ever likes me. Anyway, as you can guess, it went from attention to touching. I was twelve the first time he fucked me.”
Jensen made a noise and Jared looked up at him, thinking Jensen was judging him. His face was devoid of any expression, so Jared gave a small cough and continued.
“He threatened to hurt Megan, to do those things to her. So I let him, I didn’t fight back. I tried to please him. I. . .I never told Jeff. I never told anyone. I’m such a slut, I must have wanted it. He. . .he made me beg him sometimes to do it to me.” He looked up at Jensen. “I’m bad, you shouldn’t. . .” he motioned between them.
Moving slightly closer to Jared, Jensen started talking. “You’re not bad. You are not polluted or whatever other thought that got put into your head. You are beautiful and strong, and if I wasn’t so attracted to you I would be proud to call you brother.”
Jared’s eyes widened. “I. . .I. . .” He didn’t know what to say but Jensen didn’t scare him. He felt a tiny flicker of hope spring to life inside him. Before he could stop and think about it he closed the distance between them and kissed Jensen.
At first, Jensen didn’t do anything but then he slowly moved his lips over Jared’s and Jared parted his mouth and Jensen’s tongue hesitantly dipped in. Jared touched Jensen’s tongue with his own. He had never done this. No one had ever wanted to kiss him before. He followed what Jensen did, letting his tongue slide into Jensen’s mouth, tasting dust and something that was purely Jensen. Jared was almost ready to panic but Jensen seemed to understand that he had given about all he could.
Jensen pulled back and they both smiled. Jensen let Jared go and knelt down to check on the water. There was enough for them both to have a drink. Jensen took the first sip and then stepped back and let Jared get a drink. Jared drank deep but he made sure he left some for Jensen. Kneeling, Jensen took another drink and then he wet his handkerchief and wrung it out. Jared tried not to see that the water that came off of it was red. Jensen wet it again and then he settled in the shade up against a rock and Jared just looked at him.
“We need to rest, we can’t travel in the heat.”
That made sense to Jared he slid down the rock to sit beside Jensen. Jensen pulled him against his shoulder and rested his cheek on top of Jared’s head. “It’ll be okay, I promise.”
Jared wasn’t sure but he knew he wanted more than anything to believe him. So he just nodded and closed his eyes, ignoring his growling stomach. He woke up some time later with horrible stomach cramps, feeling a gurgle in his bowels that told him he had to move and now. Stumbling to his feet he managed to make it to the bushes and get his pants off before he emptied his bowels in a liquid rush.
He would have been embarrassed except he heard Jensen somewhere off to his left doing the same thing.
“Something in the water?” Jared asked as everything seemed to settle down. He was panicked until he saw a maple tree nearby with nice broad leaves. Pulling off a few handfuls he cleaned up as best he could and put his pants back on. “Want some leaves?”
“Please,” Jensen asked and Jared pulled off some more leaves and headed for Jensen’s voice. Jared thrust the leaves at Jensen and walked away to give him some privacy. If they were lucky it was over.
Four hours later Jared was sure that whatever gods there were hated him. The last time he had wiped there had been blood, but that had be a while ago and now he was hopeful that it was really over.
Jensen seemed to be worse off than him. Jared was worried, Jensen was dizzy and disoriented. Knowing that Jensen was dehydrated, Jared didn’t trust the water so as soon as the sun was low in the sky, he started them moving again.
He heard a helicopter to the north but he never saw it. Suspecting that the Ackles were out looking for both him and Jensen made him feel better. He headed to the next clump of trees that he could see in the distance. Supporting and at times half carrying Jensen, Jared trudged on. He had moved beyond hunger and thirst, that wasn’t good. He picked up a small rock from the ground and stuck it into his mouth, trying to get some moisture.
Jensen kept talking about sleep and Jared knew what he meant, more than anything he just wanted to lay down and sleep but he couldn’t. He urged Jensen onward and they walked right into disaster. If Jared had been more alert he would have heard the buzzing but he wasn’t and when the bees attacked it was a surprise. There was nothing, then as they passed a rocky outcrop they were suddenly surrounded by a swarm of angry bees. They had walked into a mess of killer bees, the bees that Jensen and Megan had both warned him about them but they said they were easy to avoid. Yeah as long as you didn’t walk right up to where their hive was, they were easy to avoid.
Jared tried to pull Jensen into a run but he stumbled and fell down. Jared reached down and picked him up and carried him away as fast he could, swiping bees off as fast as he could. He could see where the welts were rising on Jensen’s face by the dimming light of the sunset. The irony wasn’t lost on Jared that if they had just been a few minutes slower the bees would have been asleep for the night and most likely Jared and Jensen wouldn’t have been attacked. He kept walking until he realized just how unresponsive Jensen was.
Judging that they were far enough away from the bees, Jared set Jensen down on the ground. He was unconscious and his breathing was labored. Jared almost freaked out until he realized that Jensen needed him. He double checked him for any more bees and grew more and more alarmed at just how many times Jensen had been stung.
With relief he heard the chopper again. Looking up he could see it not too far above the tree line that they had been heading for. He needed to go fast and get help for Jensen. But he didn’t want to leave Jensen like this, he might. . . Jared couldn’t even think it. Jensen drew in another shaky breath and Jared made a decision. Kissing Jensen on the lips, Jared promised him that he would be back. “Just hold on, please.”
He started out trying to run but he just didn’t have the energy so he walked, one foot in front of the other as fast as he could. It seemed like hours later when the light from the helicopter finally fell on him and it began to land. Alan jumped out and he pulled Jared into a hug. Jared pulled back and realized that he had been stung more than he had thought, he couldn’t talk his throat seemed to close on his words almost on his breath.
Alan was dragging him back to the helicopter and Jared was trying to tell him about Jensen. Finally he dug his feet into the dirt and Alan turned back to look at him. Jared pointed out into the brush where he had come from. Held up two fingers looking intently at Alan and pointed again. ‘Jensen,’ Alan Ackles mouthed to him. Jared nodded emphatically and Alan nodded and pulled Jared into the helicopter.
He was given a shot of what he would find out later was adrenalin and he wouldn’t lie down until Jensen was safe too. They were going slowly in the direction that Jared had come from until finally someone spotted Jensen and then they were landing.
Alan was rushing over to Jensen and then he yelled back to the helicopter and started CPR on Jensen. No! He was out of the helicopter and running up to Jensen. Then there was another helicopter landing and Jared and Alan were pushed out of the way as paramedics began to work on him. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. A sob caught in Jared’s throat. Someone led him and Alan back to the helicopter saying something about getting Jared to the emergency room then Jared started fighting. He had to stay with Jensen, he had to.
Crying, Alan slapped him and Jared looked at the man. They both had tears streaming down their faces. ‘Hospital,” Alan mouthed at him, the helicopter too loud for his voice to be heard. Jared fell back into a seat and he nodded, wondering if he was ever going to see Jensen again.
The helicopter dropped them off fifteen minutes later, just after Jensen’s copter. They were greeted by a nurse who took one look at Jared then led him to a chair and wheeled him into the hospital. There were a bunch of people around one bed Jared saw as the nurse helped him into another bed on the other side of the emergency ward.
“Code blue,” someone called out from the corner and Jared sat up trying to see and at the same time afraid to see who they were working on. There was a gap and Jared could see Jensen with a tube down his throat. “Clear,” someone else said and everyone stopped working on Jensen and then he arched his back and Jared stifled a sob as the gap closed and he could no longer see him.
A nurse had started an IV and Jared didn’t notice until he could feel the cooler liquid flowing into his body. Looking up he saw a doctor pull a syringe out of the IV. “For the pain and so you can rest.”
Jared wanted to tell him that he didn’t want to rest, that he needed to know if Jensen was okay. But whatever the man had put into his IV it was fast acting. He felt his eyes close as Alan walked into his room with a devastated look on his face and Jared slipped into unconsciousness with sorrow following him down.
Waking up with the smell of hospital in his nose, Jared’s eyes snapped open. Then he remembered and he wished he could just go back to sleep. Someone snored softly and Jared looked around. He saw Mackenzie looking most uncomfortable in a chair yet still managing to sleep. Jared could see tear tracks that traced her face and Jared’s last hope that it had just been a nightmare blew away. Making a strangled sort of noise when he tried to muffle a sob, he woke Mackenzie up.
“Jared,” she said.
“I’m sorry,” Jared croaked out, his throat hurt.
“You’re awake, I’m supposed to get Mom if, when you woke up,” she tried to cover up her mistake. Jared nodded and she left returning moments later with Donna.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said again.
“You’re all right, that’s what’s important,” Donna told him her eyes bright with tears.
Jared shook his head. “About Jensen,” he managed to get out past his abused throat.
“What about me?” A voice that Jared had thought he was never going to hear again, said to him.
Jared’s head swung around so fast that his neck cracked but Jared didn’t notice. Jensen was in the bed next to him. Alive. Alive! He beamed a smile at the man in the other bed.
“It was you we were worried about,” Jensen said. “You had a reaction to the morphine that they gave you. You almost died. As it was you were on a respirator for a while.”
That explained the sore throat. “But what about you?” Jared asked.
Jensen gave him a cocky grin. “I coded but they brought me back. I’m almost good as new.”
“I wouldn’t say that,” A doctor said as she walked into the hospital room. “I hear that sleeping beauty woke up.” She gave Jared a wink. Jared looked down at his hands unsure of what he was supposed to do.
She checked his vital signs and gave him a smile. “We’ll get you out of here soon. No reason to keep healthy people in the hospital now that they are awake.”
Donna looked at the doctor. “Today?”
She nodded. “As long as sleeping beauty here can eat something, you can leave this afternoon.”
Donna smiled at the doctor and then looked at Jared. “Eat,” she said with a stern look on her face that Jared smiled at.
“Get me some food,” Jared said.
“Me too,” Jensen said after him.
“You’ve had breakfast,” the doctor told him.
Jensen pouted and when Jared’s food came, he gave Jensen the toast, watching as Jensen ate it with a grin. Jared was happy that Donna left them alone while he ate, his hands were shaking pretty bad.
“What do you remember?” Jared asked Jensen to distract him from staring.
“I remember the flash flood and Rose,” sadness was in his voice, “I remember walking and being thirsty.” Jensen stared at Jared for a long moment. “We talked about stuff and I remember being sick and a kiss that was pretty wonderful. Thirsty, oh was I thirsty and then,” Jensen paused and thought for a moment. “Bees, holy shit we walked into a hive of killer bees.”
Jared nodded his way through Jensen’s explanation though he froze when Jensen mentioned the kiss. Swallowing his last bite of soup, Jared pushed his tray away. He had to ask but he really didn’t want to. “Do you remember what we talked about.”
Jensen looked down at his hands that were twisting his blanket into little knots. Releasing it he took a deep breath and smoothed his blanket down. “We talked about what happened to me in California when I was six and about what happened to you at your foster home when you were young, too young.” Jensen glanced over at Jared and then back down at his hands. “I. . .I really think you need to tell someone, talk to someone.”
“I did tell someone,” Jared said quietly, “you.”
“I meant a professional, I can’t. . .I don’t know what to say.”
“It’s okay. You’re the first person I told, and my world didn’t explode. Which, I guess, was what I was afraid would happen. Maybe I can talk to Cindy about some of this shit.”
“Good,” Jensen said and swung his feet out of bed. Jared could see swellings that dotted his legs.
“Is it all like that?”
“My face and neck are pretty clear of them. Thank you by the way. The doc said that if you hadn’t managed to get me away from there, I would have died.” Jensen pulled his gown up a bit and showed Jared that he was covered with the stings. Walking over to a bag that was in a chair he pulled out jeans and held them up to him. They were too long for him, he grinned and tossed them to Jared, who had swung his legs out of bed.
“Doc says that we’ll need to take some kind of anti-histamine for a while to help with swelling and itching. And, lucky us, we get to carry epi-pens in case we get stung again. She thinks that our bodies might have gotten hyper-sensitive to the bees, so we might go into some kind of shock if one of us gets stung.” Jensen gave Jared the rest of his clothes while he talked.
“Anaphylactic,” Jared said.
“What?”
“Anaphylactic shock. I had a classmate almost die because of a peanut that got into his lunch. They said it was anaphylactic shock,” Jared said and pulled the curtain that was between them so that they could both dress in privacy.
Donna, Alan, and Mackenzie were all at the hospital. Jared was embarrassed and tried to apologize. Donna told him that they were glad he was all right and that Jensen was all right. Everything else was second to that.
A week later he was sitting in front of Cindy, talking about what happened to him when he was younger. They talked for over an hour and she cancelled her next appointment just so Jared could get it all out. He was afraid if he didn’t tell it all then he wouldn’t be able to finish later.
“I can understand why you would want to know how you know if you were gay,” she said to him.
Jared shook his head. He told her about Rose’s Dream and how he finally figured out on his own; he had just asked her to confirm his ideas.
“Sounds like she’s a good friend,” Cindy said.
“She was a horse,” Jared said quietly.
“I have found some of my best friends have worn fur or feathers, shape doesn’t matter,” Cindy said and then asked, “You said was. . .”
Jared launched into the story of his running away. About Rose and Jensen finding him, about the flash flood and about how he fell into the water. Jared choked up when he told her about how Jensen said that she had saved him. Explaining to her how shocked he was when he realized that her leg was broken and what that meant.
“There was no way to get help, we couldn’t just leave her there to die,” Jared said between tears.
“Of course not,” Cindy agreed but it didn’t make Jared feel any better.
“We, Jensen he. . .” Jared stumbled. “He said it wouldn’t hurt and it didn’t seem to. She was a good horse.” Jared was crying now where before when he had been talking about what had happened to him he had been almost clinical. “She was my friend. They said she was dangerous, that she needed to be put down. She was like me, broken a little, messed up,” Jared was talking through gasping sobs. “Maybe,” he looked up at Cindy and then back down to his hands that he had clasped in front of him, “maybe, I need to be put down.”
“Jared, no,” Cindy was firm. “From what you have said, she might have been dangerous to others. You are not. You have been working so hard on controlling your temper and you are so brave in coming here and telling me what you have. I’m sorry your friend died, and that you had to watch it happen. But it doesn’t change that you have come a long, long way from the boy who walked in here a few of months ago.” Cindy took a breath and she seemed to want to reach out to Jared.
“It’ll get better, I promise.”
Jared looked at her closely.
“I’m not saying it won’t take time and some work but it will get better,” Cindy said and looked him in the eye. She asked him to keep a journal. He didn’t have to show it to her or anyone but it might be a way of organizing his feelings. He nodded.
“Next week,” she said and pushed a button to call her receptionist again.
Jared stood up and walked to the door stopping with his hand on the knob.
“You know, Rose was lucky too, lucky that she got to see the real you,” Cindy said quietly and Jared didn’t know how to respond to that so he nodded and left.
Three weeks later Jared felt better and worse. He was more confident in how he was reacting to people in very small increments. However Jensen, Jensen was driving him crazy. Jared was packing to go and stay with Jeff for the Thanksgiving holiday and he was frustrated. He hadn’t managed to get Jensen alone for more than a minute after they got out of the hospital. It was like Jensen was going out of his way to avoid him and it hurt.
Leaving in less than twelve hours didn’t leave him with time to really sit him down and talk with Jensen. Jared went to the kitchen to get a drink and stood staring again out into the yard. Thinking maybe he’d get to see Jensen but he didn’t. Turning to go back to bed he was brought up short by Jensen who was standing in the hallway the light behind him so Jared couldn’t see his face.
“I’ll be out of your hair for a few days,” Jared said.
“Look, I,” Jensen started.
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You have made it very clear you don’t want to be around me, I’m just letting you know that I’m leaving for a while.” Jared was angry and tired. He pushed past Jensen and walked to his room.
“Sorry,” Jared heard Jensen murmur and Jared walked into his room and shut the door.
Visiting with Jeff was great. He cooked and they talked about Megan and the Ackles, hardly mentioning Jensen. Finally the day after Thanksgiving, Jared started talking about what had happened to him. Jeff confirmed that yeah it had happened to him too but he had wanted to protect Jared and Megan. Jared nodded.
He told Jeff about therapy and Cindy and how she really was helping him straighten things out. Then at night right before bed Jared told Jeff about being gay. He was planning on leaving the next morning so he figured this was his last chance.
Jeff reacted badly.
“You can’t be, it’s just because of what happened to you. You’re confused,” Jeff told him at first.
“I’m not confused. I’m not a baby,” Jared said, trying to stay calm.
“Stuff happened to me in jail, too. When I got out I was wondering if it made me gay. But as soon as I got laid I was good. How many people have to slept with?”
Jared didn’t think he was talking about the molestation so he told him no one.
“There’s your problem -- we need to get you laid,” Jeff said and Jared was shaking his head. It wasn’t about sex, it was about who he was attracted to, who he liked. But Jeff was adamant and called up one of his friends. Jared blushed as Jeff said his little brother needed his cherry popped. Pretty soon there was a knock on the door.
Jeff let a woman in. She looked Jared over and then gave Jeff a cat that ate the canary smile. “Sure,” she said.
“Well get to it. I’m going to take a long walk. Take your time,” Jeff said, stepping out the door and shutting it behind him.
“I’m sorry,” Jared said. “I can’t do this.”
“Aw sugar, how do you know ‘til you try?” She walked up to him and put her hand on his crotch. Jared nearly jumped out of his skin. She was determined however and kept rubbing him until he was halfway hard.
“No,” he said stepping back.
“What are you some kind of queer or something,” she snapped.
“Yeah, I am,” Jared told her.
“Well then I ain’t wasting my here. Tell your brother to pick a boy next time. This is the last time I’m doing him a favor.” She hadn’t even gotten out of her coat.
Jeff got back half an hour later. “So?” he asked.
“So, nothing,” Jared snapped. “I’m gay, getting laid by a girl isn’t going to change that.”
“You’re not gay, stop saying that,” Jeff demanded.
“What are you going to do? Hit me? What?” Jared asked getting in Jeff’s face. “I’m gay. I’m gay. I’m gay. If you can’t handle that then maybe I should leave now.”
“Maybe you should,” Jeff said.
Jared had tears in his eyes as he turned and headed back to the small bedroom that he had been staying in. Grabbing his clothes and tossing them into his duffle, he slammed out of the room and headed for the front door. Jeff stopped him before he got there.
“You need to figure this out, Jared. No brother of mine is going to be gay. I didn’t go to prison for you just so you could end up a fudge packer.”
Jerking out of Jeff’s grasp, Jared glared at him.
“Maybe I don’t want to be your brother then, because I am what I am.”
“If you leave, don’t bother trying to come back,” Jeff said.
Jared stood looking at his brother for a long moment. “Fine, I won’t,” he said and left. Finding a payphone down the block Jared stopped and called Jensen’s cell phone. It was close to two in the morning and he was just praying that Jensen had the thing on him.
“Hello,” Jensen answered.
Jared was quiet for a moment and Jensen said it again. “Hello?”
Clearing his throat Jared spoke up finally. “Hi.”
“Jared? Is everything okay?”
Tears started to fill his eyes. Why did Jeff have to be this way? “I. . .I need a ride.”
“Now?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I was supposed to take the bus back there but Jeff’s got the ticket,” Jared managed to say.
“Hey, it’s okay. I’m on my way. Where are you?” Jensen asked.
“There’s a Safeway down the road, the only one in town.”
“Okay, I see you there in--” Jared could almost feel Jensen figuring out driving time. “Four hours.”
“Thank you,” Jared said quietly.
“Just, be safe,” Jensen said and hung up.
Four hours later, Jared was climbing into Jensen’s truck. Jensen smiled at him and then pulled out of the parking lot. Giving up on trying to get Jared to talk, Jensen talked about what he had been doing. How the horses were. How Mac was.
“Dude, I only left three days ago,” Jared said.
Jensen gave him a smile and shut up. They drove in silence for about an hour then Jared, who had been watching the mile posts pass, coming into view by the headlights and then fading into the darkness again, spoke up.
“I told Jeff,” Jared looked over at Jensen and then back out the side window. “I told him I was gay.”
Jensen made a noise that had Jared looking at him again. “And,” Jensen prompted.
“And he didn’t take it well. Said I wasn’t his brother.” Jared stopped at Jensen’s gasp. “The night before we had talked about being abused and he told me it was because of that, that I was confused. I am not confused. Cindy said it is who you are attracted to and I am not attracted to girls,” Jared said quietly.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said.
“Why? Do you think it’s just because of what happened to me that made me this way?” Jared was defensive.
“No, I’m sorry your brother wasn’t more understanding. For what it’s worth Mom and Dad won’t think twice about it. I told them I thought I was gay years ago,” Jensen explained.
Jared looked at Jensen in surprise. “But, what about those girls?”
Jensen smirked at Jared. “Just ‘cause I like men doesn’t mean I can’t find a woman beautiful.”
“Oh,” Jared said and then went back to staring out the window, lost in thought. “Why weren’t you talking to me afterwards.” Jared didn’t think he’d have to explain after what. “Were you ashamed of me?” Jared asked quietly.
“No, dude you had just almost died. I almost died. I wanted you to be sure and not just grateful or something,” Jensen tried to explain. “And maybe I’m scared. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I haven’t had a successful relationship. My parents love you, Mac thinks of you like a brother and you are still in high school. I freaked a little, I’m sorry.”
Jared nodded slowly, accepting Jensen’s apology. Talking about Mackenzie made him think about Megan. “Do you think Megan will still want to see me? I mean after she finds out.” Jared spoke up after a few miles.
“Well, I don’t know her but yeah I do. I think your brother is taking it like an attack on his manhood or something. That shouldn’t happen with Megan.”
“But what if she’s found Jesus and she thinks I’m evil?”
“Do you think you’re evil?”
Jared shook his head. “I’ve been like this forever, I just never talked about it.”
“Gee I wonder why,” Jensen said sarcastically. “Seriously, I think she’ll take it better than your brother. She could hardly take it worse.”
“But what if she doesn’t want to see me anymore?” Jared asked.
“You can ‘what if’ it to death. Or you can just tell her and find out what happens. No matter what, I’ll be here for you.” Jensen reached over and squeezed Jared’s hand, letting go before he could pull away. Jared wasn’t sure what Jensen meant and was afraid to ask, so he sat there.
They turned down the drive to get to the Ackles just as the sun peeked over the horizon and Jared sat up a bit. There was a silver BMW in the drive, Jensen parked the truck and looked at Jared. “Josh is here, just ‘till tomorrow. He has your room. You can sleep on the couch or. . .” Jensen voice trailed off and he blushed.
“Or?” Jared asked.
“Or you could stay in my room. I won’t try anything, I promise.” Jensen was trying to reassure Jared and Jared was comforted that Jensen thought about him.
“Your room is fine, I trust you.” Jared realized that he meant it. He did trust Jensen.
Jensen smiled, that big toe curling smile. “Okay, great, then let’s get in. Mom’s looking forward to feeding you.”
Jared smiled and followed Jensen into the house. He was tired but managed to stay awake through breakfast. Jensen said something about them sharing a room and Donna nodded. The next thing Jared knew he was bundled off to Jensen’s room with a set of pajamas and orders to get some rest. They kept Jensen in the kitchen to question him but it didn’t upset Jared. At least they cared.
Stumbling out of the shower, Jared slipped into the night clothes and then into Jensen’s full sized bed. He barely woke when Jensen came in a while later. “Scoot over, you lug,” Jensen said and pushed on him.
Jared moved closer to the wall and felt the bed dip as Jensen got into bed, then he fell back asleep. Waking hours later, Jared found he was wrapped around Jensen. Jared blushed as he realized that he had been rubbing up against Jensen like a cat in heat. He pulled back.
Jensen cleared his throat and if Jared thought he was embarrassed before that was nothing compared to this. He could feel the heat rising from his face.
“Don’t stop on my account,” Jensen said quietly.
“But, I don’t want to. . .” Jared said and stopped as Jensen turned and settled in his arms, faces close.
“What?”
“Take advantage,” Jared said.
Jensen smiled, flashing his teeth. “Trust me, if anyone wants to take advantage it’s me.”
Jared raised an eyebrow. “Oh really?” He couldn’t believe he was flirting with Jensen.
Leaning in a little closer, Jensen gave Jared plenty of time to move if he wanted to. Jared didn’t want to so when Jensen’s breath flowed over his lips he parted them. “Just a kiss,” Jensen said quietly before capturing Jared’s lips with his.
Jared felt a bolt of desire start in his middle and head somewhere lower. For the first time ever, his desire wasn’t followed by shame or guilt. The whole thing he’d been through with Jensen and the fight with Jeff seemed to solidify something that he hadn’t really been sure of. This was what he wanted. To be in Jensen’s arms. He opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, his tongue tentatively touching Jensen’s.
Jensen moaned and leaned in more, kissing Jared back. Tongues tangled and lips parted and came together again. Jared lifted his hand hesitantly and touched Jensen’s face. Jensen pulled back and they stared at one another. Jared’s long fingers ran across Jensen’s cheek his thumb brushing Jensen’s lower lip. Jensen’s mouth parted and his eyes closed. Jared was amazed that he could do this to Jensen. He curled his fingers around Jensen’s chin and pulled him closer for another kiss.
Jared ran his tongue around the edge of Jensen’s lips and he pulled the lower one between his teeth. Jensen pressed closer and they were together head to toe. Jared could feel Jensen’s hard on pressing against his hip and he was more than aware of his own hard cock that was pushing against Jensen’s stomach.
Shifting so that their erections lined up, Jared pushed his hips forward and was rewarded with a gasp from Jensen. He leaned back again to look at Jared. “Is this okay?”
“Hell yes,” Jared answered and pulled him back down again, his hips pushing against Jensen’s, their cocks rubbing through their pajamas. Lips met, breath mingled as they came together again. It had been so long since Jared had felt desire without any shame that he was emotionally overwhelmed and very close to coming. “Jensen,” he whispered, almost a plea.
“You’re safe, I’ve got ya,” Jensen murmured into Jared’s ear before biting on the lobe. Once again, it seemed that he just needed to hear Jensen say it and he believed it. Letting go, Jared pressed harder against Jensen. He could feel his release building, he whimpered and bit down on Jensen’s shoulder as he came, warm dampness spreading between them. Jensen made a small noise and pushed against Jared a couple more times before he held still and Jared could feel his cock pulsing between them.
Laying in Jensen’s arms, Jared knew he would have to move soon but he wanted to just revel in the lack of shame he felt. It was good. He pushed off of Jensen slowly. “Shower?”
“Sure,” Jensen said with another of those smiles that Jared loved. Getting up they both went into the bathroom. Realizing that showering with Jensen meant getting naked with Jensen, Jared backpedaled.
“You first,” he said. “I’ll get us some clean clothes.”
Jensen looked a little confused but he just told Jared okay and stripped, getting into the shower. Jared went back out, checking the bed first to make sure he didn’t need to change the sheets, then he found Jensen some sweatpants and underwear. Digging a pair of his sweats out of his duffel and snagging a t-shirt, he waited until Jensen shut the water off before heading back in.
“Here,” Jared said with a small smile handing Jensen the sweats.
“Thanks,” Jensen said and while he dried off Jared tried not to stare. Jensen was perfect, at least to Jared’s eyes.
Jared waited for Jensen to leave the bathroom before he started to take off his pajamas. Laying the come soaked items in a pile with Jensen’s, Jared started the water, avoiding looking into any mirrors. Jared washed and tried to keep the feeling of contentment that he had had. However the thought of what Jensen’s reaction would be to seeing him naked, it made him want to curl up into a little ball.
Foster home eleven, while he wasn’t sexually abused there he had been physically abused. His foster mom would put cigarettes out on his back when he did something she didn’t like, like breathing too loudly. And then good old dad was quick with his hand and quicker with his belt. One time, Jared still didn’t know what he’d done wrong, his foster dad had laid into him with the buckle side of the belt. Jared remembered screaming and then something being stuffed in his mouth. The blood seemed to excite the guy and while Jared was trying to remember how to breathe with the cloth shoved into his mouth and snot and tears running down his face, his foster father had gotten a knife.
He had stopped only when he realized that Jared was bleeding onto his precious carpet, leaving bloodstains that Jared would later scrub on trying to get them out. Jared had healed, slowly and badly because he kept breaking the wounds open while doing housework. It happened at the start of winter break and by the time he was back in school, the wounds had mostly healed. A month later and he was on to foster home twelve, who just didn’t seem to care at all but then neither did Jared.
But now, thanks to that bastard, his back was a mess, scars crisscrossed it and Jared was very self conscious of it. One of the nurses at the hospital had asked and Jared had told her it had happened long ago, a car accident and she had believed him, just like everyone else did. But he didn’t want to lie to Jensen, and he didn’t know what to say.
He often felt weakened by everything that had happened to him. If he had been stronger he would have told on his foster dad when he molested him. If he had been stronger he would have found a way for Megan and him to stay together. If he had been stronger, he would have fought back like Jeff did instead of just taking everything like he deserved it. Except there was a part of him that said he did deserve it, because he wasn’t ever strong enough.
He washed the drying come off of his stomach and then washed the rest of himself. He dried off and put on the sweats and t-shirt. Opening the door he stopped and looked a Jensen who was sitting on the edge of the bed, in sweat pants only. Jared’s eyes took in the smooth tan skin of Jensen’s chest and arms, finally he looked at Jensen’s face. Jensen was watching him with a half smile on his face.
“Like what you see?”
Jared walked over to Jensen standing between his legs. Jensen tilted his head back and Jared leaned down. “Yeah, I do,” Jared said before capturing Jensen’s lips in a kiss.
“Good,” Jensen said. “Let’s go get some food. It’s got to be dinner time. I think I smell dinner.”
“Okay,” Jared said.
“And you can meet Josh,” Jensen sounded excited. “Come on.” He tugged at Jared’s hand.
“Don’t you think you should. . .”
“What?” Jensen asked.
“Put a shirt on?” Jared said.
“Oh yeah,” Jensen said snagging a shirt from his dresser. “This’ll do.” He didn’t even look at it just pulled it over his head. Giving Jared a smile he led him into the kitchen and into chaos.
“Jared,” Mackenzie yelled.
“Mac no yelling,” Donna said and waved at Jared and Jensen.
“Glad you could join us,” Alan said. “You haven’t met Josh, come here.” He led Jared away from Jensen and into the mess. He could see at least five of Mackenzie’s friends and a couple of men over in a corner.
“Jensen come here,” Alan yelled.
“Allen,” Donna said exasperated.
“What?” Allen looked at her so innocently that Jared laughed.
Jensen was smiling at his dad and he came and stood near Jared.
“Jared, Jensen this is Chris, Josh’s partner. Jared this is Josh.” Alan introduced the men. Chris was quiet but then so was Jared in the hubbub that was going on around them they just smiled at one another. Josh on the other hand.
“Jared,” Josh smiled and shook Jared’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” Jared’s eyebrows raised. “All good, I promise. It sounds like you fit in here pretty good.” Jared smiled, uncertain as to what he was supposed to say. “Sorry about taking your room. Well, it used to be mine but Mom gave me up for lost a long time ago.”
“I heard that Josh Ackles,” Donna said, looking up from where she was setting the table.
“You were supposed to,” Josh said and stuck his tongue out at Donna. Chris bumped Josh and told him to grow up, before going over to see if Donna needed help.
Jensen and Alan got into an argument about who should have won the Lone Star Showdown, Jensen saying that the Aggies clearly played the better game but Alan saying that didn’t matter because the Longhorns won. Jared heard something about bad calls and bad refs and then he stopped listening.
Mackenzie and her friends were playing some kind of tag in the kitchen area until Donna ran them all outside for a few. Josh spoke to Jared, surprising him because Jared didn’t even know he was still there.
“So, you and Jensen?”
Jared flushed, wondering if he was that obvious.
“No, you’re not that obvious,” Josh said seeming to read Jared’s mind. “It’s just I haven’t seen Jensen so comfortable with anyone, ever. I hear I have you to thank for saving his life.”
Jared felt the blush start somewhere around his stomach and move outwards, he wondered if it was possible to glow from embarrassment.
“It’s cool,” Josh said. “If you ever want an older brother’s perspective on things, just give me a call. I can usually get what’s bugging Jenny in five words or less. It’s a game Mom and I play.”
Jared stood there, conflicting emotions running through his body; embarrassment still, and envy that Jensen’s brother was so cool about everything when Jeff had been such an ass, and gratefulness that Josh had offered. He just opened and closed his mouth a few times and Josh smiled one of the wonderful Ackles smiles that made Jared all warm inside.
“You’re welcome,” Josh said and then he turned back to the action in the dining room. “Looks like food’s on. Come on, Mom says you don’t eat enough.”
“An elephant couldn’t eat enough to satisfy that woman,” Jared said under his breath and Josh threw back his head and laughed.
“Welcome to the family,” Josh said and Jared smiled. It felt good here. For the first time ever it felt like home.
edit: next story : Find His Way Back