Fic: Find His Way Back (1/2)
Find His Way Back
Author: gestaltrose aka chaosrosa
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 8,800 or so this part 18,600 or so total
Beta my lovely embroiderama whom has made this infinitely more readable
Warnings: underage: Jared turns 18 in the story, Hurt!Jared, suicide attempt, still misusing the Padalecki and the Ackles familes.
Disclaimer: Jared and Jensen belong to themselves. This is a work of Fiction and as such it in no way depicts real people although their names are used. This does not represent the sexual orientation or the prejudices anyone may have. No offense intended.
Summary: Jared is lost. He is still trying to heal and work out what he is going to with his life when it all come crashing down around his ears. The Ackles are wonderful and Jared doesn’t want to let them down. However, since most of his life he’s disappointed people he really wonders if he has a chance. Jensen wants to help Jared find his way back before he’s lost forever.
A continuation of the story Brand New Start that might make this story make more sense.
Three months before graduation and Jared was in trouble, again. He had been staying with the Ackles as their foster kid since the previous summer and he had come to the conclusion that Alan, Donna, Jensen and Mac were pretty cool. They were laid back but they had rules, and everyone who lived at the house had to follow them--even Jensen who was now twenty-one.
It had taken Jared a while to figure out why Jensen hadn’t moved out of the house. First he was taking classes at the local college, studying to become a veterinarian. Second his older brother Josh was getting some kind of advanced business degree at a college across state so Jensen wanted to stay close to home. He also had no job other than the work that he did around the ranch. They all worked as a team and Jared suspected that Josh and his business classes and Jensen and his vet classes were all for the same reason, so they could help their folks run the ranch better.
The ranch had been a surprise for Jared, he could admit that now. Donna and Alan and their family had been an even bigger surprise.
Then things went south in the worst kind of way. Mac, Mackenzie had been sneaking out to meet her friends. Jared knew how much good friends meant, now that he finally had some, so he had covered for her. They had both been caught. After Mac was brought home by the police from a night out drinking, Jared sat on his bed once again convinced that the Ackles were going to send him on his way.
Even after eight months with them Jared had spent years in the foster care system and he had been kicked to the curb for much less before. Rubbing his sweaty palms together and then wiping them on his pants, Jared looked up as his door opened. Alan Ackles. There was no Jensen this time to him everything was going to be fine. Jared figured he had probably ruined that too.
Following Alan to the living room, Jared passed Mackenzie who was sobbing and not looking at him. It made what was left of his hope that he could stay just dribble out of the bottom of his stomach. Alan sat on a chair next to Donna and Jared sat on the couch across from them. This was where he had started with the Ackles, scared and uncertain. That time Jared had no hope, he knew the routine of how foster kids were treated by their host families. But the Ackles had turned out to be different. It had taken months of them treating him just like one of the family for him to believe that they were real and not just faking it.
This time, though, he had screwed up. Jared looked at his shoes because he didn’t want to see the looks he was sure were on the Ackles’ faces.
“Son, I’d like it if you explained yourself,” Alan said quietly.
“I…”Jared hesitated uncertain what exactly they wanted from him.
Donna seemed to sense his confusion. “What happened that you kept this secret?”
“She asked me to,” Jared said plainly.
“And the reason you didn’t tell us is…?” Alan leaned forward, closer to Jared.
“It was a secret. She said…” Jared stopped himself from talking, he didn’t want to get Mac into more trouble.
“She said what Jared?” Donna asked.
“It was what family did. I know I’m not family and I shouldn’t have tried to be but don’t be mad at Mac; she was just being a kid,” Jared blurted out. He caught Alan exchanging a look with Donna and his heart dropped. He was going to have to leave, leave this, leave Jensen. “I’m sorry,” he said almost crying.
“Jared you are family. It wasn’t right for Mackenzie to ask you that. Mac is in trouble for what she did and we just want to talk to you about what you did. Lying in this situation could have been disastrous, Jared. A whole lot of really bad things could happen to a girl, and you know it.” Alan’s voice was calm and quiet.
“But she told me she was only with her friends, she promised. I asked, I know I did,” Jared said trying to let the Ackles know that he had tried to look out for her.
“There are a ton of what-ifs I could bring up right now but I’m not going to. I want you to go to your room and when you come back give me a list of ten things that could have gone wrong for Mac and her friends,” Alan said and Jared looked between him and Donna in disbelief.
“You aren’t going to send me away?” Jared asked quietly.
Donna sighed, reaching out she put her hand on top of Jared’s. “Family, Jared. We never give up on family. On day you will believe me when I tell you.”
Jared just looked down, he didn’t deserve to be here. He certainly didn’t deserve to be loved by these wonderful people. Jared was so scared he was just going to let the Ackles down. Surprised at himself about how much he wanted these people’s approval, Jared sat back.
“Go on, have the list done by dinner time.” Donna gave Jared’s hand one last squeeze before she let him get up. He was uncertain what to say so when Donna shooed him, he left.
Jared had his list done fifteen minutes after getting to his room. He easily could have come up with more things, rereading over the list he wondered if he should change some things. Finally he just gave up and put the list on the table beside the bed. Laying down he closed his eyes for just a moment and woke up to Jensen pounding on his door.
Getting up, Jared rubbed at his eyes as he opened the door. Jensen’s face was a storm cloud of anger. He pushed into Jared’s room and Jared backed up a bit, still uncomfortable dealing with anyone’s anger.
“I just heard, Jared.”
Jared flinched as Jensen said his name. It had never sounded like that before. Alan and Donna might not be upset with him but Jensen obviously was. “I…”
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You of all people know know what can happen to someone vulnerable and yet you hid where Mac was going.”
Jared curled in on himself with every word, it was almost as if Jensen was whipping him.
“I…” Jared tried again, holding back his tears.
“If you want to think you’re a part of this family, fine, but as far as I’m concerned you just fucked up. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t even breathe in my direction. She could have been…” Jensen cut his words off with a snap of his teeth his jaw working under his skin.
“Jen,” Jared said, struggling for breath. He knew how important family was to Jensen but apparently he had just fucked up the only decent relationship he had ever had. “I’m sorry,” Jared said to the floor after Jensen had given him a look of disgust and walked out.
He didn’t know what to do. He had let everyone down, again. He had almost gotten Mac…she could have been raped, killed. She’d been drinking for god’s sake. Pacing his room, he sat on the bed before getting up to pace some more. He didn’t want to run because the last time he’d run, he’d almost killed Jensen and he’d succeeded in killing Rose’s Dream. Jared choked back a sob.
He didn’t want to hurt. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in the Ackles’ faces when they finally realize that Jensen was right. He wasn’t worth it. Getting frantic the later in the afternoon it got, he didn’t know what to do, just wanting to stop the pain. Jared went into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. It was as if he didn’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. Walking back in his room Jared resumed pacing and now he was talking out loud, trying to work out something anything that could make things better, that could make them right.
He bumped into one of the display cases in his room and a cup tipped over. Jared stopped and set the glass upright noting that it was an antique shaving mug with brush and…Jared picked up the straight razor, looking at the mother of pearl handle before flipping it open. The blade looked new and sharp. Jared could never say later if it was a conscious decision or not; one second he was looking at the blade and the next he had cut a line down the length of his arm, watching the blood welling up and then slowly gathering before it started to run down his arm.
Feeling peace roll over him he took the blade with his other hand and ran it down his other arm, hissing as the blade bit deep in his skin. Maybe now he could do something right. Grasping the blade in his right hand he cut his left arm again, pushing harder. He bit his tongue to hold back a whimper as the blood started to run quickly down both of his arms now.
Looking down he realized he was making a mess on the carpet. He got up, swaying a little as his stomach churned. Feeling a little light headed it took him a moment to remember what he was going to do. Towel that’s right. Staggering to the bathroom Jared put his hand on the wall before he ran into it. Not even seeing the bloody handprint he left behind, he grabbed some towels and then staggered back out to the bedroom. Tossing the towels down where he had bled on the floor. Jared decided it would be best if he just laid down on them.
This had to be better than ever facing Jensen again. That’s right, Jensen hated him. Good thing too, Jared was nothing but trouble. Look at how he’d almost got Jensen killed and how he’d let down Megan no not Megan, Mackenzie. Jared felt the tears well up in his eyes and run hot trails across his cheeks before falling to the floor. He was tired, tired of working so hard and getting nowhere. Tired of hurting people he loved. Just tired.
Jared zoned for a while watching the blood from the cuts on his arms flow down. He wondered at the lack of pain he felt, everything was just numb. Somewhere his mind was still clicking over because he noted that he seemed to have missed any major veins or arteries. There was some venal blood, he could tell where it is darker but there didn’t seem to be a constant deep purple flow out of his wounds. No arterial blood at all, at least not that he could see.
He was there just staring at his arms not thinking about anything when there was a quiet knock on his door. “Jared?” he heard Jensen’s voice. Jared heard the sound of the door opening but the way he was laying he couldn’t see the door. “Look, I was out of line,” Jensen said as he walked into the dark room.
I think you were right on the money, Jared thought. He just wanted Jensen to go away. He could feel his heart beating harder in his chest, he knew it wouldn’t be long until he just passed out. Go away he willed Jensen. However, Jensen seemed to have other ideas.
“Jared?” he said again when Jared didn’t answer. Closing his eyes just before Jensen turned on the light, he heard Jensen yell and yell some more but it was like it was coming from far away. He felt himself turned and managed to crack his eyes open to look at Jensen who was staring down at him in horror. Jared whimpered in the back of his throat, not understanding what made Jensen look like that.
“Mom! Dad!” Jensen yelled in his face and Jared struggled to understand what was going on. He was tired and he didn’t want to hurt anymore. “Jared.” Jensen was holding his arms and it hurt, he tried to get up, pull out of Jensen’s grasp but he was too tired and too weak. Always too weak, he stopped struggling as Donna and Alan came into his room.
“Call an ambulance,” Jared heard Alan say as the darkness closed in around him. Deep inside he hoped that he would never wake up again.
Jared woke up slowly, almost in pieces it felt like. First he could feel the stiff sheets under his fingers, then he could hear the steady beep beep beep of someone’s heart on a monitor, he wondered whose. Next he tried to open his eyes, they felt gritty and sore. Finally he cracked them open and shut them again because the light was so bright. Jared must have fallen back asleep because when he opened his eyes again there was a dim light behind him and light pouring in the open door but his room was dark.
“Hey honey.” A nurse was messing with some machines near his head. “It’s good to see you wake up.” She smiled and leaned over him. “Your family has been here a lot, especially your brother. He’s sleeping in the waiting room.”
“Why…” Jared tried to ask, but instead he just croaked. The nurse got him a drink of water. After his mouth and throat were wetted he tried again. “Why am I here?” Jared didn’t remember, had he been in an accident? He tried thinking back but he couldn’t remember. The last thing he remembered was Mac laughing and pulling him into her room, telling him she had to ask him a favor. Had she asked? He couldn’t remember.
“You tried to kill yourself.” The nurse didn’t sugar coat it, that was for sure.
Jared’s head swung up and he looked at her, disbelief on his face. He wouldn’t…he hadn’t…he wouldn’t. She took his hands and turned his palms up. There were bandages covering his entire forearms. Feeling his breath come out of him in a rush, he wanted to collapse in on himself. The nurse took his blood pressure and stuck a thermometer under his tongue. “Did you want me to get your brother?”
Jeff was here? Did Jared want to see him? No, he definitely remembered about Jeff. Shaking his head no before he took another drink of his water. What the hell had he been so upset about that he tried to kill himself. Was it Jeff? Had he moved in with his brother? Had the Ackles kicked him out? He had so many questions but no one to ask.
“Your doctor will be in around eight. If you can’t sleep, you can watch TV.” She pointed to the button on the arm of the bed. Jared pushed a button and felt pain shoot up his arm. “Oh, you are going to have to be careful,” the nurse said unhelpfully late but Jared just nodded.
“Thank you,” he said still racking his brain about what had happened. He remembered the Ackles. They’d been good to him, too good. What about Jensen? He loved him and Jared thought that Jensen loved him.
After an hour he gave up and just flipped through the channels after finding a way to push the button that didn’t hurt that much.
A tall man with a beard walked in his room. “Hi,” he said holding his hand out.
Jared reached out reluctantly. “Hello.”
“I’m Jeff Morgan. I’m your doctor. It’s good to have you awake. Can I check your bandages?” He asked permission, not treating Jared like other doctors had, like he was little more than an idiot with a body. Jared held his arms out.
Dr. Morgan was gentle with him. He gasped when he saw the long wounds on his arms. “Do you remember doing this?” Dr. Morgan asked Jared.
“No. I don’t.”
“Fair enough,” Dr. Morgan said putting a new bandage on each arm. “Do you feel like harming yourself right now?”
Jared shook his head. “No… I can’t believe…What?”
“Well, obviously something,” the doctor said somehow figuring out what Jared was saying. “Trauma does this to memories sometimes, don’t try to push it. Maybe your brother knows something?” Dr. Morgan nodded at the door.
It wasn’t Jeff it was Jensen who stood there looking distraught. Jared smiled at him feeling tension leave his body. Jensen was here.
Dr. Morgan asked Jared a couple of questions about where he was, what year it was, who the fucking president of the US was. He guessed about where but since he’d seen Jensen he figured Dallas. Saying he’d be back later, Jeff shut the door behind him, leaving Jensen and Jared staring at each other.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said.
At the same time Jared said, “Listen Jensen.” They both stopped and waited for the other one to continue.
“I…”
“What…”
Jared laughed a little and told Jensen to go ahead.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said again.
Jared picked at his bandages, not looking at Jensen. “Why?” he finally asked.
“It’s my fault…”
“Did you do this?” Jared held his arms out to Jensen. “No, you didn’t. Unless we were playing some kind of kinky game that got carried away?” Jared half joked because he didn’t remember.
Jensen looked kind of shocked that Jared would joke about it. “No, I…we…I was angry. You scared me and I overreacted, said things I didn’t mean. Don’t you…don’t you remember?”
“No,” Jared said plainly at Jensen’s look of disbelief Jared tried to convince him. “Really the last thing I remember is coming home from school and Mac pulled me into her room saying something about a secret.” Jared’s eyes widened. “Did something happen to Mac? Was it my fault?”
The look on Jensen’s face told him he was close with his guess and Jared buried his head in his hands he could feel his stitches pulling underneath the bandages. Jensen stepped closer and ran a hand down the back of Jared’s head. “Mac’s fine,” Jensen said. “She got brought home by the cops, she’d been drinking. It scared me thinking about all the stuff that happened to you and what might have happened to her.” He held his hand up as Jared lifted his head to say something. “I overreacted, said some very nasty things to you. Things that you apparently took to heart,” he said running his fingers lightly over Jared’s bandages.
“Why were you mad at me?”
“Because, you knew she was out partying with her friends and didn’t tell anyone,” Jensen said.
Jared tried to imagine the scenario where he knew that Mac would be drinking but he wouldn’t tell. His confusion must have been plain to Jensen. “She asked you to keep it a secret and you did. She told me that she said it was what family did, knowing how you feel about wanting to belong. Of course she told me after I had ripped you a new one. I came back to apologize and I found you.”
Jensen put a shaking hand to Jared’s face and then ran it through his hair, as if reassuring himself that Jared was still there. “There was so much blood. I was sure you were dead. If you ever do anything like that again, I will kill you myself.” Jensen forced a laugh and Jared gave him a smile.
“I won’t,” Jared told him.
“Good,” Donna said from the door. Walking into the room she sat down in a chair that was beside his bed. “God I hate hospitals,” she said, pulling at Jared’s sheet, trying to straighten it.
“Donna I…” Jared started to say and Donna held her hand up.
“Jared please. Stop. You sound like you’re going to apologize or something, but there’s enough blame to be spread around. I don’t want you feeling guilty.” She put her hand on the back of his, her fingers wrapping around his. “We talked with your counselor and with Dr. Morgan, it isn’t going to be easy, you might need some medication, but you, we,” she said softly and then a little more forcefully, “We can get through this. We love you, all of us. Josh was here last night for a while but he needed to get back to school today. And no you are not a bother, you are family.” The last she said very forcefully.
They talked quietly for a while, Jared making sure that everyone else was okay.
Dr. Morgan came back after lunch. “I see you found your family,” he said with a smile.
Had he? Jared still wasn’t sure. But he could honestly say he wasn’t planning on trying to kill himself. He kind of wished he remembered what had happened and he was kind of happy he didn’t.
“Jared seems to have a case of situational amnesia. The stress to his system was so much that it affected the processing of his memory. While it is possible that the memories might come back, every written study of this kind of amnesia has been permanent and irreversible. I’m sorry Jared,” Dr. Morgan said.
Jared actually sighed with relief. “I’d rather not remember if it’s okay with you,” he said.
“Does he have an appointment to see someone?”
Donna nodded. “His counselor, she said she could see him tomorrow. If he can leave?”
“He’ll need to come back in to get the stitches out. But as long as I’ve got your word,” he spoke to Jared, “that you will not do this again. I think I can let him go today. There’s been no infection and I would rather he not pick one up here.” Dr. Morgan smiled, but Jared wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.
“Okay,” Jared said. “I promise.”
“Good then. Take care of yourself Jared,” Dr. Morgan said. “The nurse will be around with the release forms.”
An hour later, Jared was being wheeled to the front door of the hospital where Alan and Mac were waiting for him. Jensen took one of his arms, holding his elbow and helping him up. Mackenzie came and gave him a hug, murmuring apologies into his shirt. He rubbed her back, knowing that she needed this. Releasing him after Jensen coughed, she stepped back looking up at him teary eyed. Jared gave her a small smile and Alan, Mac, and Donna got into their car. Jared was led to the pickup truck. Jensen helped him in and then went around and got into the truck.
There was an awkward silence. Jensen broke it. “Mom called your brother and talked to your sister’s adoptive parents. Jeff said a lot of things to Mom.” He cleared his throat. “And um…”
“It’s okay. I can just guess what he told her.”
“Yeah, well Mom asked me if…if we…if you…” Jensen couldn’t seem to say a complete sentence.
Jared looked over at him. “What?” He finally asked when Jensen didn’t go on. Watching as Jensen blushed he suddenly felt like he didn’t want to know.
“Having sex,” Jensen said and Jared looked at him in horror. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head about leaving and getting kicked out and about not being able to see Jensen again. Jensen looked at him and then looked at him again. “Jared?”
Racing around inside his head, Jared’s thoughts went faster and faster. Jensen reached out and taking his hand finally got Jared’s attention. “It’s okay.” He squeezed Jared’s hand. “I told her no. That yeah we liked each other but we were going slow. She wasn’t mad. Honest.”
Jared’s heartbeat gradually slowed. Looking at Jensen’s hand on his made him feel good. He wrapped his other hand around it. “She…she was okay with it?”
Jensen looked abashed. “Well, kind of. She wants me, us…if there is still an us?” Jensen asked and looked over at Jared. Nodding, Jared traced patterns on the back of Jensen’s hand. Jared could hear the smile in Jensen’s voice as he continued. “She wants us to take it slow. Wait until you graduate. She wants you to know what you want to do, without you thinking about what I want.”
Jared nodded reluctantly he could see her point. It wasn’t like they had talked about going any farther than they had. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Looking down he saw the bandages on his arms. He obviously wasn’t ready for much.
“You said your mom talked to Megan’s family?”
This time Jared saw Jensen smile. “She’s coming for a visit next week. Mom worked it all out. She loves you.”
Jared wasn’t sure if Jensen was talking about his mom or Megan so he just nodded. “What if she…” Jared couldn’t finish the sentence.
“She won’t,” Jensen understood his misgivings. “You could hear her yelling in the background after they had decided when she could come. She’s excited.”
“Even though?” Jared said and ran a finger across one of the bandages.
“We all wish she was coming for a different reason, but she’s excited to see you.”
Jared nodded sitting back in the truck. It was almost as if he was in some kind of alternate reality, he felt…he felt…odd. Slightly disjointed, he guessed. It was as if Jensen’s hand was the only thing grounding him here. Unconsciously Jared tightened his hand on Jensen’s. “I’m sorry,” Jared said into the silence that surrounded them.
Jensen started to say something but Jared put his finger on Jensen’s lip. “I’m sorry.” Jared put all of his feelings into the words. Jensen nodded.
“If you’ve got a problem, you talk, okay? To me, to Mom, Dad, your therapist, I don’t care who, just never…I thought…” Jensen’s eyes filled with tears and Jared touched the back of his neck, rubbing with his fingers along the short hair that was there. “I wanted to say I was sorry and then I thought I was too late. There was so much blood.”
“I promise,” Jared said. “Talk, no actions. I don’t remember why it happened but I am sorry I hurt you,” Jared said still rubbing the back of Jensen’s neck.
They pulled up in front of the house and Jensen came around to help him out. Leaning on Jensen, Jared tried to not feel bad about how weak he was. Just outside the door, Jensen stopped him. Jared was panting a little and they stood, looking at one another. Jensen closed the gap between them and kissed him.
It was soft and demanding at the same time. Jared opened his mouth and let his tongue touch Jensen’s. Jensen tilted his head and they moved closer, coming apart and back together. Jared’s hand was in Jensen’s hair and Jensen’s hand was on Jared’s face. Jared moaned, his feelings coming over him in a rush. Backing off, Jensen gave him a small smile.
“Too much?”
Jared tried to calm his now racing heart. “Maybe,” he said after a moment. Jensen gave him a hug and then opened the door. Donna was at the sink doing dishes, Alan was sitting at the table with papers spread in front of him, Mackenzie was sitting at the table doing homework. They all smiled at him and Jared knew that they were trying their best to act normal and he appreciated it.
“I think I need a nap before dinner,” Jared said suddenly feeling exhausted. There was a flash of something across Donna’s face and Jared felt like shit. She covered it immediately and smiled at him. “Okay,” she said.
Jensen helped Jared down the hall to his room. “Mom cleaned up, replaced the carpet. It was hard on her, it’s been hard on all of us, we almost lost you.” Jensen said pushing the door open. Jared was suddenly filled with fear, what if he walked in and remembered what had happened. Standing in the doorway Jared watched as Jensen walked in.
No overwhelming memories attacked him as he stepped into the room. He could smell the new carpet, he looked down and saw it was a multi colored thing. Mostly tan with black, red, blue, and he wasn’t even sure why he was categorizing it, something to do that didn’t include looking at Jensen probably.
Looking up at Jensen, Jared wanted to ask him to stay, to not leave him alone. Jensen again seemed to read his mind because he sat on Jared’s bed patting the spot next to him. Jared flopped down, leaning against Jensen, their legs pressed up against each other. Jensen’s arm came around his shoulder and Jared turned and buried his nose against Jensen’s neck. Pulling him down, they lay next to each other with Jensen at Jared’s back his arms wrapped around Jared. Slowly Jared relaxed and fell asleep.
Three days later, and feeling much better about everything, Jared went off to school. He had talked with Cindy about everything he remembered, what he’d forgotten, what Jensen and the Ackles had told him about what had happened. She had led him down different paths, role playing she called it, trying to see if she could get any kind of memory kick. Nothing worked, he still didn’t understand how he could have thought it was the right thing to do.
Cindy told him that he hadn’t been rational. He had been hurting and trying to stop the pain. She asked him to work out other ways of dealing with pain, mental or physical. Yet another list, he’d complained and she had laughed.
What he didn’t count on was the whole school knowing what had happened to him. Apparently the teachers had given the students a talk about how ‘fragile’ and ‘hurt’ he was. Great. He sighed as he picked up his books for the fifth time. Everyone in the school who’d been ignoring him was suddenly giving him lots of attention.
The tenth time he was called a fag, he pushed the boy. The varsity basketball player wasn’t going to take any shit from a scrawny thing like him, tall or not and Jared had managed to get out of it with just a black eye and, he tongued one of his molars testing it to see if it was loose, maybe a loose tooth and a fat lip. They had managed to avoid the attention of teachers, so at least there was not the humiliation of having them know what had happened to him.
Jensen picked him up, seeing his swelling eye and the cut on his swollen lip. “Teachers, got to love ‘em,” Jared said sarcastically. Jensen looked shocked.
“A teacher hit you?”
“What?” Jared looked over at him. “No.” He touched the swelling around his eye. “Might as well have, though.” Jensen didn’t start the truck, sitting there obviously waiting for some more, something else. “They announced to the school what I’d done and how hurt I am,” Jared spat out obviously more angry about it than he had thought.
“Fuck,” Jensen said. “Stupid.”
“Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell,” Jared said.
“Not you,” Jensen said and Jared smiled or tried to. “Jerk,” Jensen said when he realized that Jared had been joking with him. Starting the truck they pulled out of the parking lot and Jared heard someone yell about Padalecki and his boyfriend. Jensen shot Jared a look as Jared tensed.
They talked about what had happened and what exactly they were going to tell Donna. Jared figured the truth or at least a version of the truth would work. He didn’t need Donna going down and reading them the riot act. Jensen agreed.
The story must have been good enough because while Donna was upset she seemed willing to let it go as long as the other boy had been punished. Megan was coming in that evening. It was her spring break. Their district wasn’t out for another week. Mac seemed to be even more on edge than Jared was and when he heard a car on the gravel outside he stood up wiping his hands on his pants. Looking at him and then at the door, Mac stomped off to her room.
Jared exchanged a confused look with Jensen who shrugged. They walked out to the porch and Jared watched as Megan got out of the car. She was taller and her hair was longer, she looked…happy. Jared started to think that this was a bad idea. Megan looked around and Jared tried to take a step backwards but Jensen was there. “Come on,” Jensen gave Jared a small shove.
Trying to glare Jensen and not glare at anyone else Jared finally gave up the attempt. He turned and found he was face to face, actually more like nose to forehead, with Megan. She wrapped her arms around him. “I remember, Jared.”
He felt tears gather in his eyes. “Missed you, Meggie,” he said.
She looked up at him, smile broad on her face. “You are the only one who has ever even tried to call me that. I missed it. Come here, meet my um…family,” she stumbled over the word as if she was embarrassed to say it.
“That’s good then you can meet mine,” he shoved her a little with his shoulder and she smiled up at him.
Jared vaguely remembered them, more for the fact that they had separated him and Megan than anything else. “Looking good, Jared,” Mr. Connelly said.
“Thank you sir,” Jared said uncomfortably aware of the bandages under his shirt sleeves. Shifting his weight back and forth he swayed slightly and Jensen was there, hand on his back. “Mr. Connelly, this is Jensen Ackles. Jensen this is Megan’s adoptive father.”
“Robert, please both of you,” Robert Connelly held his hand out to Jensen. After shaking it, Robert asked if he could talk to Jared for a moment. Jensen joined his parents greeting Mrs. Connelly. “Brandy and I,” Robert nodded at his wife. “Well, we wanted to say that we’re sorry we couldn’t adopt you too. We never told you but we did try. There was so much red tape with Megan that yours seemed insurmountable. I mean we’ve got some means but we aren’t rich. We just didn’t have the resources and I, we, wanted to apologize.” He was really uncomfortable.
Jared could’ve told him about all the abuse he suffered after he had left their house. How devastated he’d been to have to leave Megan behind. But he didn’t. He shook Robert’s hand and then led him over to Donna and Alan. When they had worked out when Megan was going to go home, the Connellys hugged her and Jared ended up being hugged by Brandy Connelly, she whispered apologies into his ear. He hugged her back and told her he was good now, it was okay. She let him go her eyes suspiciously bright.
“I wish…” she said.
“I know, me too,” he told her honestly. “But I’m good now, good here.”
She blinked back her tears and looked at him as if she were searching for the truth. Finally she nodded. Turning she opened the car door getting in with a last wave at Megan. Everyone stood and watched as the Connellys drove down the gravel road.
“Well, Megan. Let’s get you in and settled then you can visit with Jared in peace,” Donna said taking one of Megan’s bag and with a look at Alan and Jensen they picked up the rest.
“Mackenzie Ackles, you open this door,” Donna yelled at Mackenzie’s door.
“Fine,” she said slamming the door open before moving back to her bed.
“What the hell has gotten into you?” Donna asked as she showed Megan where they had set up a place for her stuff. Jared and Jensen stood in the doorway, Jared feeling more and more awkward. He looked at Mackenzie who was glaring at everyone. Wondering what was wrong, Jared took a step towards her but Jensen shook his head. He’d just talk to her later.
Donna led Megan out again, handing her off to Jared and pushing them towards his room. “Go talk, I’ll figure out Mac. Jenny would you feed the horses tonight?”
“Jenny?” Megan whispered to him.
“It’s Jensen’s nickname,” Jared told her quietly and then showed her into his room.
“I like them,” Megan waved her hand towards the rest of the house. “Well, I’m not sure about Mackenzie. So,” she plopped down on the bed, “what happened?”
Jared stood, uncomfortable and uncertain how to start. He remembered Megan as a little girl not this teenager sitting on his bed. “Long story,” he said finally deciding to sit down next to her, “and a really short one too. What did you want to know?”
“Tell me about what happened after you left me,” Megan said quietly.
Jared’s first thought was, I didn’t leave you, they made me, and his second one was, no way in hell was he going to talk about everything he’d been through with her. “I missed you, a lot.” Is what Jared finally said.
“I missed you too. You never called,” she gave him a narrowed eye look.
“I…couldn’t at first. Then I thought maybe you were better off without me. “I…was a hooker, was a thief… did some bad things. I didn’t want to…?”
“What?” she asked.
“Be a bad influence, I guess,” Jared finally said.
“Okay,” she said after a long pause. “How about here? You like it?”
Jared grinned big this time. “Yeah, I do. They’re great.”
“What about Jeff, have you heard from him?”
Becoming solemn, Jared remembered just how badly Jeff had taken Jared telling him he was gay. He’d kicked Jared out and Jared had called Jensen to come and get him.
“What is it? Did he die?” Megan asked with tears in her eyes.
“No no, he’s fine. He doesn’t want to see me again. We had a fight and…” Jared stopped he couldn’t explain.
“What? Why would he want to do that?” Megan looked upset. Jared wasn’t sure if this was the time or not but he had to find out, he had to tell her.
“Because I’m gay,” Jared said.
Megan waited just looking at him. “And?” she asked.
“Nothing, that’s it,” he said.
“Stupid, stupid boys,” Megan said. Jared stood up and paced across the room. “I didn’t mean you,” she said.
“Last time I checked I was a boy,” Jared said.
“Jeff is an idiot and a jerk if he did that to you,” Megan said standing to give him a hug. “Is that why you…?”
“What?” Jared asked and then saw she was looking at the bandage that was peeking out of his shirtsleeve. “Um, no. I don’t remember why. I’d gotten in trouble for covering for Mac and somehow I decided this was better.”
Megan narrowed her eyes at him. “Mackenzie got you in trouble?”
“No, I got myself in trouble,” Jared said.
“Right.” Megan didn’t sound convinced.
“Tell me about you.” Jared tried to change the subject.
They talked until dinner time. At dinner, Jared saw Megan giving Mackenzie a calculating look and he knocked his knee into hers. Megan turned to him with a smile. It wasn’t until later that Jared realized that war had been declared at the table with no one else the wiser.
Getting home from school two days later in a horrible mood because of the crap he had to put up with, Jared just wanted to go to his room. Instead the minute he walked in the door Mackenzie was on him. “Megan glued my school books together,” she said.
He searched around in his head somewhere for some patience. Coming up with a little bit, he led her over to the couch. Sitting down he asked Mackenzie to tell him exactly what had happened. She had left some books on her desk when she went to school and only Megan and Mom had been home. Walking into her room she sat down at her desk to do homework, like usual and when she had tried to pick up a book a whole stack of them had come up.
“One of them ripped, I’m going to get in trouble.”
Jared wondered why she didn’t go to Donna with this. He asked. “Mom said she’s a guest, and your family and we need to make allowances.”
“Let me see if I can fix it,” Jared offered.
“Okay,” Mackenzie smiled at him. “Now?”
Jared thought about the homework that was in his backpack and sighed. “Sure,” he said.
Mac flashed him a grin and was gone. The back door slammed shut and Megan walked in.
“Jared! I missed you,” she spoke into his chest as she gave him a hug.
“Meggie, I missed you too,” he said as he hugged her back. “What’s up with you and Mac?”
He didn’t miss the way Megan’s eyes narrowed. “What did she say?”
“What should she have said?” Jared asked right back. “These people are as close to family as I’ve got, you can’t just treat them like crap.”
Megan looked hurt, her chin trembled and Jared watched her eyes fill with tears. “I’m your family,” she whispered.
He enfolded her in his arms. “Of course you are, it’s just the Ackles…well they’re family too. You think of the Connellys as your family, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” she admitted reluctantly. “But you haven’t even been here a year.”
“This is the first place that I would have ever called home, since Mom…” Jared stopped himself.
“Yeah well at least you got memories of them.”
“Megan, that’s enough,” Jensen said from where he stood by the kitchen table. Jared looked up surprised to see him. “I think we need to talk.”
Jared felt overwhelming relief that Jensen was going to help him out, that was followed by guilt that he felt so relieved. He didn’t look at Jensen or Megan.
“Jay,” Megan said, it almost broke him. He couldn’t even speak he just shook his head.
“Fine,” she said sharply and stood up. He didn’t look up until he heard the door slam behind her.
“I’ll straighten her out, Jared. It’ll be okay.” Jensen looked like he wanted to come to him and hold him close. Jared would have liked nothing better but they both had girls to see to.
“Mac. I know you’re there, come out,” Jared said after Jensen left.
“What a bit…” She stopped when Jared put his hand over her mouth.
“I won’t put up with that from you or her,” he said. “Let me see your books.” He held his hand out. Mackenzie put the stack of paperback books in his hand. He studied them, Megan had done a good job. Pulling a paper and pen out of his backpack he started jotting down titles. The Outsiders, Lord of the Flies, Fahrenheit 451, and stuck in the middle was…he turned to make sure he was reading it correctly, Love’s Labor Lost.
“I’ll get Jensen to take me to town and pick these up for you. Um… is the… this one,” Jared finally pointed, “a school book.”
Mac blushed, not saying anything.
Jared just gave her a look. “What’s up?” he asked.
“With what?”
“With you? You have been angry since you found out Megan was coming. Why?” Jared asked.
“Because you love her moreyou want to live with heryou won’t loveme anymoreI’m not special,” Mackenzie spoke in a verbal rush. It took him a moment to decipher what she’d said.
“I have always loved her, I always will, she’s my sister,” Jared said watching Mac as her head fell. “But I love you like a sister too.”
Mackenzie’s head came up and she looked him in the eyes. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Good and thanks.” She kind of sounded embarrassed.
Jared knew she was talking about more than the books he was going to replace. He nodded and gave her one last hug. “I’ve got homework. When Jensen comes in, I’ll talk to him about taking me to town.”
Forty five minutes later, Jared was done with most of his homework, the math saved for last because he enjoyed it so much. Megan came in with her head down and Jared’s heart hurt for her.
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…”
Jensen coughed from the doorway. Megan straightened up, looking him in the eye. “Jared, I’m sorry for what I said. I was wrong.”
Jared held his arms out for the hug that Megan was asking for, she flowed into it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was angry. I’m going to talk to Mackenzie, I want to fix this. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Jared said and looked at Jensen over the top of Megan’s head. ‘Thank you,’ he mouthed to him but Jensen just waved him off. “You go talk to Mac, I’m going to see if Jensen can take me into town. I’ve got some books to replace for my little sister.”
Megan hugged him again and then left to go and find Mackenzie.
Later Jared had Jensen pushed up against the side of the truck, they had just got back from town and Jared wanted to tell Jensen something. “Thank you,” he whispered and leaned in to kiss Jensen.
“For what?” Jensen’s breath flowed warm and sweet over Jared’s lips.
“Protecting me,” Jared said. “Helping with Megan.”
“I wish I could do more about school,” Jensen said.
“A couple more months and it won’t matter what those jerks think. I made it this far, I can keep going.”
Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “But you shouldn’t have to…”
“No one should have to, but I do. Just kiss me already,” Jared said with a small smile.
Leaning in, Jensen’s lips touched his and he welcomed it. Jared’s tongue was licking at Jensen’s lips when it seemed that he was going to try and keep it toned down. He felt a warm feeling of accomplishment when Jensen opened his mouth and their tongues touched and danced against each other. Jensen was the one who broke the kiss off when Jared pushed up against him, his hard on plain under his jeans.
“You probably shouldn’t go in there with that,” Jensen said rubbing his hand over the bulge in Jared’s pants.
“Really?” Jared meant to sound sarcastic but the word came out breathy and hopeful.
“Yeah,” Jensen said unbuttoning the top button of Jared’s jeans, slipping his hand inside Jared’s underwear. Jared pushed against Jensen bringing his mouth close, letting his tongue dart out and taste. Jensen squeezed his cock Jared moaned before Jensen captured his lips, tongue sliding, biting and sucking. Fuck, Jared thought as his hips snapped forward into Jensen’s tight grip.
Then Jensen was on his knees, with Jared’s cock out and it was sliding down his throat. “Uh Jen,” Jared stuttered out between breaths. “I’m gonna,” he said.
Jensen came off of him and looked up at with his beautiful eyes. “I know, I want you to.” Then he sucked Jared’s cock back into his mouth.
It was moments before he felt his balls tighten and it felt like he was going to burn up before he could come. “Oh god,” Jared said as he felt come start to shoot out of his cock. Jensen swallowed it all and then giving Jared’s softening dick a kiss he slid it back into his pants.
“Jenny,” Donna called from the house.
“Yeah, Mom?” Jensen hollered back, getting to his feet. Jared was very grateful for the truck that was blocking her view of them.
“You and Jared feed the horses tonight,” she said.
“We’ll get right on that,” Jensen said, licking his lips and Jared watched the pink tip come out and sweep across Jensen’s top lip. “We’re never getting anywhere with you staring at me like that.”
Jared blushed and looked away.
“Come on,” Jensen said and bumped Jared’s shoulder. Jared appreciated the view of Jensen’s backside as they walked to the barn to get the tractor and hay. Feeding went smoothly with Jared cutting the bales open and then kicking the whole thing off the back. Jared always needed a shower after feeding because he got bits of hay inside his clothes and it made him itch. Getting back to the barn Jensen parked the tractor and Jared slipped off the trailer and shut the barn doors. There was a little light from an open loft door where the moonlight shown in.
Jensen stood just inside the square of light looking at him. No, looking at him. Jared’s breath caught in his throat as he stepped into the light. Jensen was there slowly unbuttoning Jared’s shirt. Jared shivered as the cool night air hit his skin. He shivered again when Jensen’s hands traced slowly over his arms and chest.
“Jen,” Jared gasped. It was actually more a needy noise and less of a name by the time Jared was finished. Jensen stepped closer and kissed Jared, his hands still roaming across Jared’s skin. Jared reached down and moved his hand to the strip of skin between the waistband of Jensen’s jeans and his shirt. Fumbling with the buttons on the jeans until Jensen reached down and undid them. Still kissing, Jared slid his hand into Jensen’s underwear, wrapping his long fingers around Jensen’s cock.
Jensen’s hand slid over his shoulder to his back and Jared flinched, suddenly remembering why he never took his shirt off in front of anyone. His whole attitude had changed and Jensen picked up immediately that something was wrong. “Too much?” Jensen asked. Jared was frozen his hand down Jensen’s pants but his brain was miles away.
“Jared? Dude, are you okay?”
Jared tried to pull himself together and figure a way out of the situation. His brain was frantically searching for something as Jensen stepped back. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do this.”
Oh god, Jensen thought it was about the hand job. He could let him, Jared could step back into the darkness put his shirt on and go in the house, leaving Jensen to think that he had pushed too hard or something. Or, he could just turn around and let Jensen see how utterly fucked up he truly was. Looking into Jensen’s face, full of concern, Jared made his choice.
He turned slowly. “Look.”
“Jared, what?” Jensen sounded confused.
“Look,” Jared said again.
Jared knew when Jensen actually saw what he was talking about. There was a small gasp and then Jared felt Jensen’s warm hand touch his skin. He flinched.
“Sorry.” Jensen pulled his hand back. “Does it hurt?”
“No.” Jared looked over his shoulder at Jensen. “You just surprised me. I wouldn’t think anyone would want to touch me.”
“What the hell happened?” Jensen traced his fingers down the long puckered scars on his back.
“Those ones. They were a knife, I pissed off one of my foster dads and he let me know it.” Jared felt Jensen’s fingers dip into one of the burn scars on his back. “Cigarette,” Jared said. “All the ones like that.” Jared could feel Jensen move closer, his breath hot on Jared’s back.
“Now you know,” Jared said after waiting for Jensen to say something, to do something.
“I know what?” Jared shivered as Jensen’s breath flowed across the nape of his neck.
“How weak I am. I couldn’t stop them. Not even once,” Jared said, his tone flat.
Jensen spread his hands out on Jared’s back, Jared gasped. It had been a long, long time since anyone had touched his back other than to cause him pain. The scar tissue seemed to be extra sensitive. Jensen ran his hands up to Jared’s shoulders and slowly turned him around. Pulling Jared close, Jensen let his hands rub up and down Jared’s back as he talked to him.
“You are not weak. You are the strongest person I know. I don’t know that I could have gone through what you did and still be okay.”
Jared didn’t say anything but he picked at the bandages on one of his arms. “I’m not okay,” he said.
“Well, you a whole hell of a lot closer to okay that I would have been. You are strong and beautiful.”. Jensen kissed him, long and hard. “Someday you’ll believe me.”
Jared gave him a small smile as he stepped back from Jensen, leaning down he picked up his shirt. His heart felt lighter because now Jensen knew and he still didn’t think that Jared was faulty. Maybe he was okay, maybe he was going to be okay.
Next Part
Author: gestaltrose aka chaosrosa
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 8,800 or so this part 18,600 or so total
Beta my lovely embroiderama whom has made this infinitely more readable
Warnings: underage: Jared turns 18 in the story, Hurt!Jared, suicide attempt, still misusing the Padalecki and the Ackles familes.
Disclaimer: Jared and Jensen belong to themselves. This is a work of Fiction and as such it in no way depicts real people although their names are used. This does not represent the sexual orientation or the prejudices anyone may have. No offense intended.
Summary: Jared is lost. He is still trying to heal and work out what he is going to with his life when it all come crashing down around his ears. The Ackles are wonderful and Jared doesn’t want to let them down. However, since most of his life he’s disappointed people he really wonders if he has a chance. Jensen wants to help Jared find his way back before he’s lost forever.
A continuation of the story Brand New Start that might make this story make more sense.
Three months before graduation and Jared was in trouble, again. He had been staying with the Ackles as their foster kid since the previous summer and he had come to the conclusion that Alan, Donna, Jensen and Mac were pretty cool. They were laid back but they had rules, and everyone who lived at the house had to follow them--even Jensen who was now twenty-one.
It had taken Jared a while to figure out why Jensen hadn’t moved out of the house. First he was taking classes at the local college, studying to become a veterinarian. Second his older brother Josh was getting some kind of advanced business degree at a college across state so Jensen wanted to stay close to home. He also had no job other than the work that he did around the ranch. They all worked as a team and Jared suspected that Josh and his business classes and Jensen and his vet classes were all for the same reason, so they could help their folks run the ranch better.
The ranch had been a surprise for Jared, he could admit that now. Donna and Alan and their family had been an even bigger surprise.
Then things went south in the worst kind of way. Mac, Mackenzie had been sneaking out to meet her friends. Jared knew how much good friends meant, now that he finally had some, so he had covered for her. They had both been caught. After Mac was brought home by the police from a night out drinking, Jared sat on his bed once again convinced that the Ackles were going to send him on his way.
Even after eight months with them Jared had spent years in the foster care system and he had been kicked to the curb for much less before. Rubbing his sweaty palms together and then wiping them on his pants, Jared looked up as his door opened. Alan Ackles. There was no Jensen this time to him everything was going to be fine. Jared figured he had probably ruined that too.
Following Alan to the living room, Jared passed Mackenzie who was sobbing and not looking at him. It made what was left of his hope that he could stay just dribble out of the bottom of his stomach. Alan sat on a chair next to Donna and Jared sat on the couch across from them. This was where he had started with the Ackles, scared and uncertain. That time Jared had no hope, he knew the routine of how foster kids were treated by their host families. But the Ackles had turned out to be different. It had taken months of them treating him just like one of the family for him to believe that they were real and not just faking it.
This time, though, he had screwed up. Jared looked at his shoes because he didn’t want to see the looks he was sure were on the Ackles’ faces.
“Son, I’d like it if you explained yourself,” Alan said quietly.
“I…”Jared hesitated uncertain what exactly they wanted from him.
Donna seemed to sense his confusion. “What happened that you kept this secret?”
“She asked me to,” Jared said plainly.
“And the reason you didn’t tell us is…?” Alan leaned forward, closer to Jared.
“It was a secret. She said…” Jared stopped himself from talking, he didn’t want to get Mac into more trouble.
“She said what Jared?” Donna asked.
“It was what family did. I know I’m not family and I shouldn’t have tried to be but don’t be mad at Mac; she was just being a kid,” Jared blurted out. He caught Alan exchanging a look with Donna and his heart dropped. He was going to have to leave, leave this, leave Jensen. “I’m sorry,” he said almost crying.
“Jared you are family. It wasn’t right for Mackenzie to ask you that. Mac is in trouble for what she did and we just want to talk to you about what you did. Lying in this situation could have been disastrous, Jared. A whole lot of really bad things could happen to a girl, and you know it.” Alan’s voice was calm and quiet.
“But she told me she was only with her friends, she promised. I asked, I know I did,” Jared said trying to let the Ackles know that he had tried to look out for her.
“There are a ton of what-ifs I could bring up right now but I’m not going to. I want you to go to your room and when you come back give me a list of ten things that could have gone wrong for Mac and her friends,” Alan said and Jared looked between him and Donna in disbelief.
“You aren’t going to send me away?” Jared asked quietly.
Donna sighed, reaching out she put her hand on top of Jared’s. “Family, Jared. We never give up on family. On day you will believe me when I tell you.”
Jared just looked down, he didn’t deserve to be here. He certainly didn’t deserve to be loved by these wonderful people. Jared was so scared he was just going to let the Ackles down. Surprised at himself about how much he wanted these people’s approval, Jared sat back.
“Go on, have the list done by dinner time.” Donna gave Jared’s hand one last squeeze before she let him get up. He was uncertain what to say so when Donna shooed him, he left.
Jared had his list done fifteen minutes after getting to his room. He easily could have come up with more things, rereading over the list he wondered if he should change some things. Finally he just gave up and put the list on the table beside the bed. Laying down he closed his eyes for just a moment and woke up to Jensen pounding on his door.
Getting up, Jared rubbed at his eyes as he opened the door. Jensen’s face was a storm cloud of anger. He pushed into Jared’s room and Jared backed up a bit, still uncomfortable dealing with anyone’s anger.
“I just heard, Jared.”
Jared flinched as Jensen said his name. It had never sounded like that before. Alan and Donna might not be upset with him but Jensen obviously was. “I…”
“I don’t want to hear what you have to say. You of all people know know what can happen to someone vulnerable and yet you hid where Mac was going.”
Jared curled in on himself with every word, it was almost as if Jensen was whipping him.
“I…” Jared tried again, holding back his tears.
“If you want to think you’re a part of this family, fine, but as far as I’m concerned you just fucked up. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t even breathe in my direction. She could have been…” Jensen cut his words off with a snap of his teeth his jaw working under his skin.
“Jen,” Jared said, struggling for breath. He knew how important family was to Jensen but apparently he had just fucked up the only decent relationship he had ever had. “I’m sorry,” Jared said to the floor after Jensen had given him a look of disgust and walked out.
He didn’t know what to do. He had let everyone down, again. He had almost gotten Mac…she could have been raped, killed. She’d been drinking for god’s sake. Pacing his room, he sat on the bed before getting up to pace some more. He didn’t want to run because the last time he’d run, he’d almost killed Jensen and he’d succeeded in killing Rose’s Dream. Jared choked back a sob.
He didn’t want to hurt. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in the Ackles’ faces when they finally realize that Jensen was right. He wasn’t worth it. Getting frantic the later in the afternoon it got, he didn’t know what to do, just wanting to stop the pain. Jared went into the bathroom and stared at himself in the mirror. It was as if he didn’t recognize the person in the mirror anymore. Walking back in his room Jared resumed pacing and now he was talking out loud, trying to work out something anything that could make things better, that could make them right.
He bumped into one of the display cases in his room and a cup tipped over. Jared stopped and set the glass upright noting that it was an antique shaving mug with brush and…Jared picked up the straight razor, looking at the mother of pearl handle before flipping it open. The blade looked new and sharp. Jared could never say later if it was a conscious decision or not; one second he was looking at the blade and the next he had cut a line down the length of his arm, watching the blood welling up and then slowly gathering before it started to run down his arm.
Feeling peace roll over him he took the blade with his other hand and ran it down his other arm, hissing as the blade bit deep in his skin. Maybe now he could do something right. Grasping the blade in his right hand he cut his left arm again, pushing harder. He bit his tongue to hold back a whimper as the blood started to run quickly down both of his arms now.
Looking down he realized he was making a mess on the carpet. He got up, swaying a little as his stomach churned. Feeling a little light headed it took him a moment to remember what he was going to do. Towel that’s right. Staggering to the bathroom Jared put his hand on the wall before he ran into it. Not even seeing the bloody handprint he left behind, he grabbed some towels and then staggered back out to the bedroom. Tossing the towels down where he had bled on the floor. Jared decided it would be best if he just laid down on them.
This had to be better than ever facing Jensen again. That’s right, Jensen hated him. Good thing too, Jared was nothing but trouble. Look at how he’d almost got Jensen killed and how he’d let down Megan no not Megan, Mackenzie. Jared felt the tears well up in his eyes and run hot trails across his cheeks before falling to the floor. He was tired, tired of working so hard and getting nowhere. Tired of hurting people he loved. Just tired.
Jared zoned for a while watching the blood from the cuts on his arms flow down. He wondered at the lack of pain he felt, everything was just numb. Somewhere his mind was still clicking over because he noted that he seemed to have missed any major veins or arteries. There was some venal blood, he could tell where it is darker but there didn’t seem to be a constant deep purple flow out of his wounds. No arterial blood at all, at least not that he could see.
He was there just staring at his arms not thinking about anything when there was a quiet knock on his door. “Jared?” he heard Jensen’s voice. Jared heard the sound of the door opening but the way he was laying he couldn’t see the door. “Look, I was out of line,” Jensen said as he walked into the dark room.
I think you were right on the money, Jared thought. He just wanted Jensen to go away. He could feel his heart beating harder in his chest, he knew it wouldn’t be long until he just passed out. Go away he willed Jensen. However, Jensen seemed to have other ideas.
“Jared?” he said again when Jared didn’t answer. Closing his eyes just before Jensen turned on the light, he heard Jensen yell and yell some more but it was like it was coming from far away. He felt himself turned and managed to crack his eyes open to look at Jensen who was staring down at him in horror. Jared whimpered in the back of his throat, not understanding what made Jensen look like that.
“Mom! Dad!” Jensen yelled in his face and Jared struggled to understand what was going on. He was tired and he didn’t want to hurt anymore. “Jared.” Jensen was holding his arms and it hurt, he tried to get up, pull out of Jensen’s grasp but he was too tired and too weak. Always too weak, he stopped struggling as Donna and Alan came into his room.
“Call an ambulance,” Jared heard Alan say as the darkness closed in around him. Deep inside he hoped that he would never wake up again.
Jared woke up slowly, almost in pieces it felt like. First he could feel the stiff sheets under his fingers, then he could hear the steady beep beep beep of someone’s heart on a monitor, he wondered whose. Next he tried to open his eyes, they felt gritty and sore. Finally he cracked them open and shut them again because the light was so bright. Jared must have fallen back asleep because when he opened his eyes again there was a dim light behind him and light pouring in the open door but his room was dark.
“Hey honey.” A nurse was messing with some machines near his head. “It’s good to see you wake up.” She smiled and leaned over him. “Your family has been here a lot, especially your brother. He’s sleeping in the waiting room.”
“Why…” Jared tried to ask, but instead he just croaked. The nurse got him a drink of water. After his mouth and throat were wetted he tried again. “Why am I here?” Jared didn’t remember, had he been in an accident? He tried thinking back but he couldn’t remember. The last thing he remembered was Mac laughing and pulling him into her room, telling him she had to ask him a favor. Had she asked? He couldn’t remember.
“You tried to kill yourself.” The nurse didn’t sugar coat it, that was for sure.
Jared’s head swung up and he looked at her, disbelief on his face. He wouldn’t…he hadn’t…he wouldn’t. She took his hands and turned his palms up. There were bandages covering his entire forearms. Feeling his breath come out of him in a rush, he wanted to collapse in on himself. The nurse took his blood pressure and stuck a thermometer under his tongue. “Did you want me to get your brother?”
Jeff was here? Did Jared want to see him? No, he definitely remembered about Jeff. Shaking his head no before he took another drink of his water. What the hell had he been so upset about that he tried to kill himself. Was it Jeff? Had he moved in with his brother? Had the Ackles kicked him out? He had so many questions but no one to ask.
“Your doctor will be in around eight. If you can’t sleep, you can watch TV.” She pointed to the button on the arm of the bed. Jared pushed a button and felt pain shoot up his arm. “Oh, you are going to have to be careful,” the nurse said unhelpfully late but Jared just nodded.
“Thank you,” he said still racking his brain about what had happened. He remembered the Ackles. They’d been good to him, too good. What about Jensen? He loved him and Jared thought that Jensen loved him.
After an hour he gave up and just flipped through the channels after finding a way to push the button that didn’t hurt that much.
A tall man with a beard walked in his room. “Hi,” he said holding his hand out.
Jared reached out reluctantly. “Hello.”
“I’m Jeff Morgan. I’m your doctor. It’s good to have you awake. Can I check your bandages?” He asked permission, not treating Jared like other doctors had, like he was little more than an idiot with a body. Jared held his arms out.
Dr. Morgan was gentle with him. He gasped when he saw the long wounds on his arms. “Do you remember doing this?” Dr. Morgan asked Jared.
“No. I don’t.”
“Fair enough,” Dr. Morgan said putting a new bandage on each arm. “Do you feel like harming yourself right now?”
Jared shook his head. “No… I can’t believe…What?”
“Well, obviously something,” the doctor said somehow figuring out what Jared was saying. “Trauma does this to memories sometimes, don’t try to push it. Maybe your brother knows something?” Dr. Morgan nodded at the door.
It wasn’t Jeff it was Jensen who stood there looking distraught. Jared smiled at him feeling tension leave his body. Jensen was here.
Dr. Morgan asked Jared a couple of questions about where he was, what year it was, who the fucking president of the US was. He guessed about where but since he’d seen Jensen he figured Dallas. Saying he’d be back later, Jeff shut the door behind him, leaving Jensen and Jared staring at each other.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said.
At the same time Jared said, “Listen Jensen.” They both stopped and waited for the other one to continue.
“I…”
“What…”
Jared laughed a little and told Jensen to go ahead.
“I’m sorry,” Jensen said again.
Jared picked at his bandages, not looking at Jensen. “Why?” he finally asked.
“It’s my fault…”
“Did you do this?” Jared held his arms out to Jensen. “No, you didn’t. Unless we were playing some kind of kinky game that got carried away?” Jared half joked because he didn’t remember.
Jensen looked kind of shocked that Jared would joke about it. “No, I…we…I was angry. You scared me and I overreacted, said things I didn’t mean. Don’t you…don’t you remember?”
“No,” Jared said plainly at Jensen’s look of disbelief Jared tried to convince him. “Really the last thing I remember is coming home from school and Mac pulled me into her room saying something about a secret.” Jared’s eyes widened. “Did something happen to Mac? Was it my fault?”
The look on Jensen’s face told him he was close with his guess and Jared buried his head in his hands he could feel his stitches pulling underneath the bandages. Jensen stepped closer and ran a hand down the back of Jared’s head. “Mac’s fine,” Jensen said. “She got brought home by the cops, she’d been drinking. It scared me thinking about all the stuff that happened to you and what might have happened to her.” He held his hand up as Jared lifted his head to say something. “I overreacted, said some very nasty things to you. Things that you apparently took to heart,” he said running his fingers lightly over Jared’s bandages.
“Why were you mad at me?”
“Because, you knew she was out partying with her friends and didn’t tell anyone,” Jensen said.
Jared tried to imagine the scenario where he knew that Mac would be drinking but he wouldn’t tell. His confusion must have been plain to Jensen. “She asked you to keep it a secret and you did. She told me that she said it was what family did, knowing how you feel about wanting to belong. Of course she told me after I had ripped you a new one. I came back to apologize and I found you.”
Jensen put a shaking hand to Jared’s face and then ran it through his hair, as if reassuring himself that Jared was still there. “There was so much blood. I was sure you were dead. If you ever do anything like that again, I will kill you myself.” Jensen forced a laugh and Jared gave him a smile.
“I won’t,” Jared told him.
“Good,” Donna said from the door. Walking into the room she sat down in a chair that was beside his bed. “God I hate hospitals,” she said, pulling at Jared’s sheet, trying to straighten it.
“Donna I…” Jared started to say and Donna held her hand up.
“Jared please. Stop. You sound like you’re going to apologize or something, but there’s enough blame to be spread around. I don’t want you feeling guilty.” She put her hand on the back of his, her fingers wrapping around his. “We talked with your counselor and with Dr. Morgan, it isn’t going to be easy, you might need some medication, but you, we,” she said softly and then a little more forcefully, “We can get through this. We love you, all of us. Josh was here last night for a while but he needed to get back to school today. And no you are not a bother, you are family.” The last she said very forcefully.
They talked quietly for a while, Jared making sure that everyone else was okay.
Dr. Morgan came back after lunch. “I see you found your family,” he said with a smile.
Had he? Jared still wasn’t sure. But he could honestly say he wasn’t planning on trying to kill himself. He kind of wished he remembered what had happened and he was kind of happy he didn’t.
“Jared seems to have a case of situational amnesia. The stress to his system was so much that it affected the processing of his memory. While it is possible that the memories might come back, every written study of this kind of amnesia has been permanent and irreversible. I’m sorry Jared,” Dr. Morgan said.
Jared actually sighed with relief. “I’d rather not remember if it’s okay with you,” he said.
“Does he have an appointment to see someone?”
Donna nodded. “His counselor, she said she could see him tomorrow. If he can leave?”
“He’ll need to come back in to get the stitches out. But as long as I’ve got your word,” he spoke to Jared, “that you will not do this again. I think I can let him go today. There’s been no infection and I would rather he not pick one up here.” Dr. Morgan smiled, but Jared wasn’t sure if he was joking or not.
“Okay,” Jared said. “I promise.”
“Good then. Take care of yourself Jared,” Dr. Morgan said. “The nurse will be around with the release forms.”
An hour later, Jared was being wheeled to the front door of the hospital where Alan and Mac were waiting for him. Jensen took one of his arms, holding his elbow and helping him up. Mackenzie came and gave him a hug, murmuring apologies into his shirt. He rubbed her back, knowing that she needed this. Releasing him after Jensen coughed, she stepped back looking up at him teary eyed. Jared gave her a small smile and Alan, Mac, and Donna got into their car. Jared was led to the pickup truck. Jensen helped him in and then went around and got into the truck.
There was an awkward silence. Jensen broke it. “Mom called your brother and talked to your sister’s adoptive parents. Jeff said a lot of things to Mom.” He cleared his throat. “And um…”
“It’s okay. I can just guess what he told her.”
“Yeah, well Mom asked me if…if we…if you…” Jensen couldn’t seem to say a complete sentence.
Jared looked over at him. “What?” He finally asked when Jensen didn’t go on. Watching as Jensen blushed he suddenly felt like he didn’t want to know.
“Having sex,” Jensen said and Jared looked at him in horror. All kinds of thoughts ran through his head about leaving and getting kicked out and about not being able to see Jensen again. Jensen looked at him and then looked at him again. “Jared?”
Racing around inside his head, Jared’s thoughts went faster and faster. Jensen reached out and taking his hand finally got Jared’s attention. “It’s okay.” He squeezed Jared’s hand. “I told her no. That yeah we liked each other but we were going slow. She wasn’t mad. Honest.”
Jared’s heartbeat gradually slowed. Looking at Jensen’s hand on his made him feel good. He wrapped his other hand around it. “She…she was okay with it?”
Jensen looked abashed. “Well, kind of. She wants me, us…if there is still an us?” Jensen asked and looked over at Jared. Nodding, Jared traced patterns on the back of Jensen’s hand. Jared could hear the smile in Jensen’s voice as he continued. “She wants us to take it slow. Wait until you graduate. She wants you to know what you want to do, without you thinking about what I want.”
Jared nodded reluctantly he could see her point. It wasn’t like they had talked about going any farther than they had. He wasn’t sure he was ready for that. Looking down he saw the bandages on his arms. He obviously wasn’t ready for much.
“You said your mom talked to Megan’s family?”
This time Jared saw Jensen smile. “She’s coming for a visit next week. Mom worked it all out. She loves you.”
Jared wasn’t sure if Jensen was talking about his mom or Megan so he just nodded. “What if she…” Jared couldn’t finish the sentence.
“She won’t,” Jensen understood his misgivings. “You could hear her yelling in the background after they had decided when she could come. She’s excited.”
“Even though?” Jared said and ran a finger across one of the bandages.
“We all wish she was coming for a different reason, but she’s excited to see you.”
Jared nodded sitting back in the truck. It was almost as if he was in some kind of alternate reality, he felt…he felt…odd. Slightly disjointed, he guessed. It was as if Jensen’s hand was the only thing grounding him here. Unconsciously Jared tightened his hand on Jensen’s. “I’m sorry,” Jared said into the silence that surrounded them.
Jensen started to say something but Jared put his finger on Jensen’s lip. “I’m sorry.” Jared put all of his feelings into the words. Jensen nodded.
“If you’ve got a problem, you talk, okay? To me, to Mom, Dad, your therapist, I don’t care who, just never…I thought…” Jensen’s eyes filled with tears and Jared touched the back of his neck, rubbing with his fingers along the short hair that was there. “I wanted to say I was sorry and then I thought I was too late. There was so much blood.”
“I promise,” Jared said. “Talk, no actions. I don’t remember why it happened but I am sorry I hurt you,” Jared said still rubbing the back of Jensen’s neck.
They pulled up in front of the house and Jensen came around to help him out. Leaning on Jensen, Jared tried to not feel bad about how weak he was. Just outside the door, Jensen stopped him. Jared was panting a little and they stood, looking at one another. Jensen closed the gap between them and kissed him.
It was soft and demanding at the same time. Jared opened his mouth and let his tongue touch Jensen’s. Jensen tilted his head and they moved closer, coming apart and back together. Jared’s hand was in Jensen’s hair and Jensen’s hand was on Jared’s face. Jared moaned, his feelings coming over him in a rush. Backing off, Jensen gave him a small smile.
“Too much?”
Jared tried to calm his now racing heart. “Maybe,” he said after a moment. Jensen gave him a hug and then opened the door. Donna was at the sink doing dishes, Alan was sitting at the table with papers spread in front of him, Mackenzie was sitting at the table doing homework. They all smiled at him and Jared knew that they were trying their best to act normal and he appreciated it.
“I think I need a nap before dinner,” Jared said suddenly feeling exhausted. There was a flash of something across Donna’s face and Jared felt like shit. She covered it immediately and smiled at him. “Okay,” she said.
Jensen helped Jared down the hall to his room. “Mom cleaned up, replaced the carpet. It was hard on her, it’s been hard on all of us, we almost lost you.” Jensen said pushing the door open. Jared was suddenly filled with fear, what if he walked in and remembered what had happened. Standing in the doorway Jared watched as Jensen walked in.
No overwhelming memories attacked him as he stepped into the room. He could smell the new carpet, he looked down and saw it was a multi colored thing. Mostly tan with black, red, blue, and he wasn’t even sure why he was categorizing it, something to do that didn’t include looking at Jensen probably.
Looking up at Jensen, Jared wanted to ask him to stay, to not leave him alone. Jensen again seemed to read his mind because he sat on Jared’s bed patting the spot next to him. Jared flopped down, leaning against Jensen, their legs pressed up against each other. Jensen’s arm came around his shoulder and Jared turned and buried his nose against Jensen’s neck. Pulling him down, they lay next to each other with Jensen at Jared’s back his arms wrapped around Jared. Slowly Jared relaxed and fell asleep.
Three days later, and feeling much better about everything, Jared went off to school. He had talked with Cindy about everything he remembered, what he’d forgotten, what Jensen and the Ackles had told him about what had happened. She had led him down different paths, role playing she called it, trying to see if she could get any kind of memory kick. Nothing worked, he still didn’t understand how he could have thought it was the right thing to do.
Cindy told him that he hadn’t been rational. He had been hurting and trying to stop the pain. She asked him to work out other ways of dealing with pain, mental or physical. Yet another list, he’d complained and she had laughed.
What he didn’t count on was the whole school knowing what had happened to him. Apparently the teachers had given the students a talk about how ‘fragile’ and ‘hurt’ he was. Great. He sighed as he picked up his books for the fifth time. Everyone in the school who’d been ignoring him was suddenly giving him lots of attention.
The tenth time he was called a fag, he pushed the boy. The varsity basketball player wasn’t going to take any shit from a scrawny thing like him, tall or not and Jared had managed to get out of it with just a black eye and, he tongued one of his molars testing it to see if it was loose, maybe a loose tooth and a fat lip. They had managed to avoid the attention of teachers, so at least there was not the humiliation of having them know what had happened to him.
Jensen picked him up, seeing his swelling eye and the cut on his swollen lip. “Teachers, got to love ‘em,” Jared said sarcastically. Jensen looked shocked.
“A teacher hit you?”
“What?” Jared looked over at him. “No.” He touched the swelling around his eye. “Might as well have, though.” Jensen didn’t start the truck, sitting there obviously waiting for some more, something else. “They announced to the school what I’d done and how hurt I am,” Jared spat out obviously more angry about it than he had thought.
“Fuck,” Jensen said. “Stupid.”
“Yeah, that’s me in a nutshell,” Jared said.
“Not you,” Jensen said and Jared smiled or tried to. “Jerk,” Jensen said when he realized that Jared had been joking with him. Starting the truck they pulled out of the parking lot and Jared heard someone yell about Padalecki and his boyfriend. Jensen shot Jared a look as Jared tensed.
They talked about what had happened and what exactly they were going to tell Donna. Jared figured the truth or at least a version of the truth would work. He didn’t need Donna going down and reading them the riot act. Jensen agreed.
The story must have been good enough because while Donna was upset she seemed willing to let it go as long as the other boy had been punished. Megan was coming in that evening. It was her spring break. Their district wasn’t out for another week. Mac seemed to be even more on edge than Jared was and when he heard a car on the gravel outside he stood up wiping his hands on his pants. Looking at him and then at the door, Mac stomped off to her room.
Jared exchanged a confused look with Jensen who shrugged. They walked out to the porch and Jared watched as Megan got out of the car. She was taller and her hair was longer, she looked…happy. Jared started to think that this was a bad idea. Megan looked around and Jared tried to take a step backwards but Jensen was there. “Come on,” Jensen gave Jared a small shove.
Trying to glare Jensen and not glare at anyone else Jared finally gave up the attempt. He turned and found he was face to face, actually more like nose to forehead, with Megan. She wrapped her arms around him. “I remember, Jared.”
He felt tears gather in his eyes. “Missed you, Meggie,” he said.
She looked up at him, smile broad on her face. “You are the only one who has ever even tried to call me that. I missed it. Come here, meet my um…family,” she stumbled over the word as if she was embarrassed to say it.
“That’s good then you can meet mine,” he shoved her a little with his shoulder and she smiled up at him.
Jared vaguely remembered them, more for the fact that they had separated him and Megan than anything else. “Looking good, Jared,” Mr. Connelly said.
“Thank you sir,” Jared said uncomfortably aware of the bandages under his shirt sleeves. Shifting his weight back and forth he swayed slightly and Jensen was there, hand on his back. “Mr. Connelly, this is Jensen Ackles. Jensen this is Megan’s adoptive father.”
“Robert, please both of you,” Robert Connelly held his hand out to Jensen. After shaking it, Robert asked if he could talk to Jared for a moment. Jensen joined his parents greeting Mrs. Connelly. “Brandy and I,” Robert nodded at his wife. “Well, we wanted to say that we’re sorry we couldn’t adopt you too. We never told you but we did try. There was so much red tape with Megan that yours seemed insurmountable. I mean we’ve got some means but we aren’t rich. We just didn’t have the resources and I, we, wanted to apologize.” He was really uncomfortable.
Jared could’ve told him about all the abuse he suffered after he had left their house. How devastated he’d been to have to leave Megan behind. But he didn’t. He shook Robert’s hand and then led him over to Donna and Alan. When they had worked out when Megan was going to go home, the Connellys hugged her and Jared ended up being hugged by Brandy Connelly, she whispered apologies into his ear. He hugged her back and told her he was good now, it was okay. She let him go her eyes suspiciously bright.
“I wish…” she said.
“I know, me too,” he told her honestly. “But I’m good now, good here.”
She blinked back her tears and looked at him as if she were searching for the truth. Finally she nodded. Turning she opened the car door getting in with a last wave at Megan. Everyone stood and watched as the Connellys drove down the gravel road.
“Well, Megan. Let’s get you in and settled then you can visit with Jared in peace,” Donna said taking one of Megan’s bag and with a look at Alan and Jensen they picked up the rest.
“Mackenzie Ackles, you open this door,” Donna yelled at Mackenzie’s door.
“Fine,” she said slamming the door open before moving back to her bed.
“What the hell has gotten into you?” Donna asked as she showed Megan where they had set up a place for her stuff. Jared and Jensen stood in the doorway, Jared feeling more and more awkward. He looked at Mackenzie who was glaring at everyone. Wondering what was wrong, Jared took a step towards her but Jensen shook his head. He’d just talk to her later.
Donna led Megan out again, handing her off to Jared and pushing them towards his room. “Go talk, I’ll figure out Mac. Jenny would you feed the horses tonight?”
“Jenny?” Megan whispered to him.
“It’s Jensen’s nickname,” Jared told her quietly and then showed her into his room.
“I like them,” Megan waved her hand towards the rest of the house. “Well, I’m not sure about Mackenzie. So,” she plopped down on the bed, “what happened?”
Jared stood, uncomfortable and uncertain how to start. He remembered Megan as a little girl not this teenager sitting on his bed. “Long story,” he said finally deciding to sit down next to her, “and a really short one too. What did you want to know?”
“Tell me about what happened after you left me,” Megan said quietly.
Jared’s first thought was, I didn’t leave you, they made me, and his second one was, no way in hell was he going to talk about everything he’d been through with her. “I missed you, a lot.” Is what Jared finally said.
“I missed you too. You never called,” she gave him a narrowed eye look.
“I…couldn’t at first. Then I thought maybe you were better off without me. “I…was a hooker, was a thief… did some bad things. I didn’t want to…?”
“What?” she asked.
“Be a bad influence, I guess,” Jared finally said.
“Okay,” she said after a long pause. “How about here? You like it?”
Jared grinned big this time. “Yeah, I do. They’re great.”
“What about Jeff, have you heard from him?”
Becoming solemn, Jared remembered just how badly Jeff had taken Jared telling him he was gay. He’d kicked Jared out and Jared had called Jensen to come and get him.
“What is it? Did he die?” Megan asked with tears in her eyes.
“No no, he’s fine. He doesn’t want to see me again. We had a fight and…” Jared stopped he couldn’t explain.
“What? Why would he want to do that?” Megan looked upset. Jared wasn’t sure if this was the time or not but he had to find out, he had to tell her.
“Because I’m gay,” Jared said.
Megan waited just looking at him. “And?” she asked.
“Nothing, that’s it,” he said.
“Stupid, stupid boys,” Megan said. Jared stood up and paced across the room. “I didn’t mean you,” she said.
“Last time I checked I was a boy,” Jared said.
“Jeff is an idiot and a jerk if he did that to you,” Megan said standing to give him a hug. “Is that why you…?”
“What?” Jared asked and then saw she was looking at the bandage that was peeking out of his shirtsleeve. “Um, no. I don’t remember why. I’d gotten in trouble for covering for Mac and somehow I decided this was better.”
Megan narrowed her eyes at him. “Mackenzie got you in trouble?”
“No, I got myself in trouble,” Jared said.
“Right.” Megan didn’t sound convinced.
“Tell me about you.” Jared tried to change the subject.
They talked until dinner time. At dinner, Jared saw Megan giving Mackenzie a calculating look and he knocked his knee into hers. Megan turned to him with a smile. It wasn’t until later that Jared realized that war had been declared at the table with no one else the wiser.
Getting home from school two days later in a horrible mood because of the crap he had to put up with, Jared just wanted to go to his room. Instead the minute he walked in the door Mackenzie was on him. “Megan glued my school books together,” she said.
He searched around in his head somewhere for some patience. Coming up with a little bit, he led her over to the couch. Sitting down he asked Mackenzie to tell him exactly what had happened. She had left some books on her desk when she went to school and only Megan and Mom had been home. Walking into her room she sat down at her desk to do homework, like usual and when she had tried to pick up a book a whole stack of them had come up.
“One of them ripped, I’m going to get in trouble.”
Jared wondered why she didn’t go to Donna with this. He asked. “Mom said she’s a guest, and your family and we need to make allowances.”
“Let me see if I can fix it,” Jared offered.
“Okay,” Mackenzie smiled at him. “Now?”
Jared thought about the homework that was in his backpack and sighed. “Sure,” he said.
Mac flashed him a grin and was gone. The back door slammed shut and Megan walked in.
“Jared! I missed you,” she spoke into his chest as she gave him a hug.
“Meggie, I missed you too,” he said as he hugged her back. “What’s up with you and Mac?”
He didn’t miss the way Megan’s eyes narrowed. “What did she say?”
“What should she have said?” Jared asked right back. “These people are as close to family as I’ve got, you can’t just treat them like crap.”
Megan looked hurt, her chin trembled and Jared watched her eyes fill with tears. “I’m your family,” she whispered.
He enfolded her in his arms. “Of course you are, it’s just the Ackles…well they’re family too. You think of the Connellys as your family, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” she admitted reluctantly. “But you haven’t even been here a year.”
“This is the first place that I would have ever called home, since Mom…” Jared stopped himself.
“Yeah well at least you got memories of them.”
“Megan, that’s enough,” Jensen said from where he stood by the kitchen table. Jared looked up surprised to see him. “I think we need to talk.”
Jared felt overwhelming relief that Jensen was going to help him out, that was followed by guilt that he felt so relieved. He didn’t look at Jensen or Megan.
“Jay,” Megan said, it almost broke him. He couldn’t even speak he just shook his head.
“Fine,” she said sharply and stood up. He didn’t look up until he heard the door slam behind her.
“I’ll straighten her out, Jared. It’ll be okay.” Jensen looked like he wanted to come to him and hold him close. Jared would have liked nothing better but they both had girls to see to.
“Mac. I know you’re there, come out,” Jared said after Jensen left.
“What a bit…” She stopped when Jared put his hand over her mouth.
“I won’t put up with that from you or her,” he said. “Let me see your books.” He held his hand out. Mackenzie put the stack of paperback books in his hand. He studied them, Megan had done a good job. Pulling a paper and pen out of his backpack he started jotting down titles. The Outsiders, Lord of the Flies, Fahrenheit 451, and stuck in the middle was…he turned to make sure he was reading it correctly, Love’s Labor Lost.
“I’ll get Jensen to take me to town and pick these up for you. Um… is the… this one,” Jared finally pointed, “a school book.”
Mac blushed, not saying anything.
Jared just gave her a look. “What’s up?” he asked.
“With what?”
“With you? You have been angry since you found out Megan was coming. Why?” Jared asked.
“Because you love her moreyou want to live with heryou won’t loveme anymoreI’m not special,” Mackenzie spoke in a verbal rush. It took him a moment to decipher what she’d said.
“I have always loved her, I always will, she’s my sister,” Jared said watching Mac as her head fell. “But I love you like a sister too.”
Mackenzie’s head came up and she looked him in the eyes. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Good and thanks.” She kind of sounded embarrassed.
Jared knew she was talking about more than the books he was going to replace. He nodded and gave her one last hug. “I’ve got homework. When Jensen comes in, I’ll talk to him about taking me to town.”
Forty five minutes later, Jared was done with most of his homework, the math saved for last because he enjoyed it so much. Megan came in with her head down and Jared’s heart hurt for her.
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have…”
Jensen coughed from the doorway. Megan straightened up, looking him in the eye. “Jared, I’m sorry for what I said. I was wrong.”
Jared held his arms out for the hug that Megan was asking for, she flowed into it. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I was angry. I’m going to talk to Mackenzie, I want to fix this. I love you.”
“I love you too,” Jared said and looked at Jensen over the top of Megan’s head. ‘Thank you,’ he mouthed to him but Jensen just waved him off. “You go talk to Mac, I’m going to see if Jensen can take me into town. I’ve got some books to replace for my little sister.”
Megan hugged him again and then left to go and find Mackenzie.
Later Jared had Jensen pushed up against the side of the truck, they had just got back from town and Jared wanted to tell Jensen something. “Thank you,” he whispered and leaned in to kiss Jensen.
“For what?” Jensen’s breath flowed warm and sweet over Jared’s lips.
“Protecting me,” Jared said. “Helping with Megan.”
“I wish I could do more about school,” Jensen said.
“A couple more months and it won’t matter what those jerks think. I made it this far, I can keep going.”
Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “But you shouldn’t have to…”
“No one should have to, but I do. Just kiss me already,” Jared said with a small smile.
Leaning in, Jensen’s lips touched his and he welcomed it. Jared’s tongue was licking at Jensen’s lips when it seemed that he was going to try and keep it toned down. He felt a warm feeling of accomplishment when Jensen opened his mouth and their tongues touched and danced against each other. Jensen was the one who broke the kiss off when Jared pushed up against him, his hard on plain under his jeans.
“You probably shouldn’t go in there with that,” Jensen said rubbing his hand over the bulge in Jared’s pants.
“Really?” Jared meant to sound sarcastic but the word came out breathy and hopeful.
“Yeah,” Jensen said unbuttoning the top button of Jared’s jeans, slipping his hand inside Jared’s underwear. Jared pushed against Jensen bringing his mouth close, letting his tongue dart out and taste. Jensen squeezed his cock Jared moaned before Jensen captured his lips, tongue sliding, biting and sucking. Fuck, Jared thought as his hips snapped forward into Jensen’s tight grip.
Then Jensen was on his knees, with Jared’s cock out and it was sliding down his throat. “Uh Jen,” Jared stuttered out between breaths. “I’m gonna,” he said.
Jensen came off of him and looked up at with his beautiful eyes. “I know, I want you to.” Then he sucked Jared’s cock back into his mouth.
It was moments before he felt his balls tighten and it felt like he was going to burn up before he could come. “Oh god,” Jared said as he felt come start to shoot out of his cock. Jensen swallowed it all and then giving Jared’s softening dick a kiss he slid it back into his pants.
“Jenny,” Donna called from the house.
“Yeah, Mom?” Jensen hollered back, getting to his feet. Jared was very grateful for the truck that was blocking her view of them.
“You and Jared feed the horses tonight,” she said.
“We’ll get right on that,” Jensen said, licking his lips and Jared watched the pink tip come out and sweep across Jensen’s top lip. “We’re never getting anywhere with you staring at me like that.”
Jared blushed and looked away.
“Come on,” Jensen said and bumped Jared’s shoulder. Jared appreciated the view of Jensen’s backside as they walked to the barn to get the tractor and hay. Feeding went smoothly with Jared cutting the bales open and then kicking the whole thing off the back. Jared always needed a shower after feeding because he got bits of hay inside his clothes and it made him itch. Getting back to the barn Jensen parked the tractor and Jared slipped off the trailer and shut the barn doors. There was a little light from an open loft door where the moonlight shown in.
Jensen stood just inside the square of light looking at him. No, looking at him. Jared’s breath caught in his throat as he stepped into the light. Jensen was there slowly unbuttoning Jared’s shirt. Jared shivered as the cool night air hit his skin. He shivered again when Jensen’s hands traced slowly over his arms and chest.
“Jen,” Jared gasped. It was actually more a needy noise and less of a name by the time Jared was finished. Jensen stepped closer and kissed Jared, his hands still roaming across Jared’s skin. Jared reached down and moved his hand to the strip of skin between the waistband of Jensen’s jeans and his shirt. Fumbling with the buttons on the jeans until Jensen reached down and undid them. Still kissing, Jared slid his hand into Jensen’s underwear, wrapping his long fingers around Jensen’s cock.
Jensen’s hand slid over his shoulder to his back and Jared flinched, suddenly remembering why he never took his shirt off in front of anyone. His whole attitude had changed and Jensen picked up immediately that something was wrong. “Too much?” Jensen asked. Jared was frozen his hand down Jensen’s pants but his brain was miles away.
“Jared? Dude, are you okay?”
Jared tried to pull himself together and figure a way out of the situation. His brain was frantically searching for something as Jensen stepped back. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do this.”
Oh god, Jensen thought it was about the hand job. He could let him, Jared could step back into the darkness put his shirt on and go in the house, leaving Jensen to think that he had pushed too hard or something. Or, he could just turn around and let Jensen see how utterly fucked up he truly was. Looking into Jensen’s face, full of concern, Jared made his choice.
He turned slowly. “Look.”
“Jared, what?” Jensen sounded confused.
“Look,” Jared said again.
Jared knew when Jensen actually saw what he was talking about. There was a small gasp and then Jared felt Jensen’s warm hand touch his skin. He flinched.
“Sorry.” Jensen pulled his hand back. “Does it hurt?”
“No.” Jared looked over his shoulder at Jensen. “You just surprised me. I wouldn’t think anyone would want to touch me.”
“What the hell happened?” Jensen traced his fingers down the long puckered scars on his back.
“Those ones. They were a knife, I pissed off one of my foster dads and he let me know it.” Jared felt Jensen’s fingers dip into one of the burn scars on his back. “Cigarette,” Jared said. “All the ones like that.” Jared could feel Jensen move closer, his breath hot on Jared’s back.
“Now you know,” Jared said after waiting for Jensen to say something, to do something.
“I know what?” Jared shivered as Jensen’s breath flowed across the nape of his neck.
“How weak I am. I couldn’t stop them. Not even once,” Jared said, his tone flat.
Jensen spread his hands out on Jared’s back, Jared gasped. It had been a long, long time since anyone had touched his back other than to cause him pain. The scar tissue seemed to be extra sensitive. Jensen ran his hands up to Jared’s shoulders and slowly turned him around. Pulling Jared close, Jensen let his hands rub up and down Jared’s back as he talked to him.
“You are not weak. You are the strongest person I know. I don’t know that I could have gone through what you did and still be okay.”
Jared didn’t say anything but he picked at the bandages on one of his arms. “I’m not okay,” he said.
“Well, you a whole hell of a lot closer to okay that I would have been. You are strong and beautiful.”. Jensen kissed him, long and hard. “Someday you’ll believe me.”
Jared gave him a small smile as he stepped back from Jensen, leaning down he picked up his shirt. His heart felt lighter because now Jensen knew and he still didn’t think that Jared was faulty. Maybe he was okay, maybe he was going to be okay.
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