FanFic100: #032 Sunset
She doesn’t want to be here. Even though it’s California and it’s a lazy sunny evening and there are a million places worse where she could be… it doesn’t change the fact that she feels horrible. She wishes she could attribute it to her stiff and hot Dress Blues and the tie that seems to strangle her or the unfamiliar shoes that make it impossible to take a step without feeling blisters developing.
But she simply can’t get over the reason for why she’s here in the first place. It’s been a few days now but it still feels unreal somehow, even though the dog tags and the letter in her purse are painfully real. So real, in fact, that she almost feels like they are so heavy that the strap of her purse cuts into her shoulder.
All of this together - the uncomfortable Dress Blues, the shoes that make walking nearly impossible, the imagined weight dragging her down - make her walk through this San Francisco suburb rather slowly. Or at least that’s what she tries to tell herself, to pretend that it’s not the feeling that as long as she hasn’t delivered those two items, everything didn’t happen.
It’s ridiculous and she knows it. Really, she of all people should know that all of this did happen. She was there. And how she still wishes she wasn’t. How she still wishes she wasn’t the last person he saw… the person that held him until he took his last breath. Maybe, if she hadn’t been… she wouldn’t have been forced to be the one walking up to his parents’ house.
Alright, yeah, that’s just a load of crap. Even if she hadn’t refused to leave him behind to die all alone on that god-forsaken planet, she would have been the one to carry his dog tags home. They were friends and he’d once, in a weak moment, asked her to do it and she’d promised it without hesitation. Part of the reason why she hadn’t hesitated had been… in her mind Major Lorne was invincible and she firmly believed she wouldn’t be required to fulfill this promise anyway.
As it had turned out… sometimes it only takes one carefully placed bullet to bring down even the best officer. The moment he went down… will forever be etched into her mind. The almost surprised face, the horror that set in when he’d realized he’d never make it back to the ‘Gate, the final resignation only moments before his eyes broke… She stops to take a few deep breaths to keep herself from crying. She had done enough of that ever since the realization that he’d never come back had gotten through to her.
All through the memorial service on Atlantis she’d cried silently, all the way through the ‘Gate, carrying his casket, all the way on the plane from Colorado Springs to San Francisco… yes, it’s enough now. He’s not the first friend she lost - not even the first one she lost in the Pegasus Galaxy - and he deserves that she carry the message and his dog tags home with all the dignity and poise one could expect from an officer of the United States Marine Corps.
It’s just that… the pain won’t go away. It’s almost worse than the pain when Carson died, even if she’s ashamed to admit it. She’d tried to tell herself that it’s still too fresh to have waned already and that of course with time it will grow fainter until it’s just a memory that will diffusely hurt from time to time - like an old scar from an injury long ago would sometimes hurt when the weather was acting weird.
But somehow she knows deep down that this is just wishful thinking. Of all the friends she had in the Pegasus Galaxy, Major Lorne - Evan - was the last one she expected to return home in a casket. He was like a rock for her, always there, always returning from missions in one piece - sometimes a little banged up, but he’d always get back on his feet eventually. It was like… as long as Evan was there; things weren’t as bad as they could be.
And who will now laugh with her and keep her from getting homesick? Who will tease her about all the guys from the geek squad that have tried to make a pass at her? Who will help her cope with difficult missions? She misses him so much and somehow that tells her that this scar will always be fresh, no matter if she will find a new best friend someday or not. No one will ever be able to fill this void and that prospect kind of terrifies her.
However… she has to buck up now or she will mess up presenting his dog tags to his parents in the way he deserves. She has reached the address they gave her… and the sun has nearly set. The day’s heat still lingers on and suddenly she wishes for Chicago thunderstorms or New England drizzle instead of a clear, warm California summer night. It would have suited the occasion so much better.
She has learned, though, that Fate isn't exactly her friend and that she should start accepting it instead of struggling with it and so she straightens her jacket one last time, smoothes her skirt and walks up to the house. She rehearses her text - sounding as official as possible so as not to make her start crying again - in her head one last time, hesitates just for a second and then presses the door bell.
For a moment, nothing happens and a part of her wants to turn tail immediately, but then the door is opened by a middle-aged woman with Evan’s blue eyes… and the official text in her head is gone. Instead, all she can say is, “I’m sorry, Ma’am.” and the moment she sees realization dawning on his mother’s face… her tears are back again.
She hates them because they embarrass her and stain her uniform and make her look like a sissy in front of people who deserve her respect and so she expects his mother to look down on her because she’s the only one allowed to feel such pain, but to her surprise… his mother wordlessly takes a step aside and opens the door a little wider for her. And she realizes that she finally found someone she can share her pain with… and whom she can comfort… and why it was her and her alone Evan had wanted to bring his dog tags home.