FanFic100: #066 Rain
He knows he shouldn’t be standing here and watching her sleep. It’s what stalkers and other deranged people do and he’s not deranged, even if there are quite a lot of people at the SGC who have started thinking the opposite… sometimes he thinks that even his team - including her - have started to think that. He still very vividly remembers how she had tried to give him a wigging about getting himself in trouble with General Hammond, as weakened as she was only four days after waking up from her coma.
He also remembers Henderson’s and Linley’s faces when he had made it possible for Laura to get away from the confines of the infirmary by volunteering to take care of her at her home. The short conspiratory look shared between them and then the slight eye rolling didn’t get past him and he’s sure they know that. But really… he’s grounded anyway; he has weeks of leave and overtime still at his disposal and someone had to take care of her.
Henderson and Linley would both be too busy; since they had been temporarily assigned to other teams as soon as it was apparent that one half of SG1 would be out of commission for an indefinite amount of time. The only other friends she has also work at the SGC and he knows none of them are close enough to her that they might sacrifice spare time for her. He wasn’t the only one turning away from the world outside the SGC when the relationship between government and public deteriorated to the point where it almost ceased to be salvageable. And family… as far as he knows, the only family Laura has left is her mother and something happened between them at the funeral of her father, so she was out of question as well.
Of course she could have simply stayed in the infirmary but they all knew she’d have driven all of them mad in the matter of days, as weakened as she was. So despite her protestations that she could very well do all of that alone he’d taken it upon himself to drive her home, set her down on the couch and basically keep her from violating doctors’ orders. Even though she hadn’t wanted to admit it, the whole ordeal had weakened her severely. For at least two weeks, basically all she had done had been sleep long hours, eat - not nearly enough, according to what the doctors had told him - and sleep some more. He’d been worried but they’d told him that it was normal for a woman of her height, weight and stature to take weeks for recuperating from only narrowly escaping death and six days of artificial coma.
Things had been going okay… he hadn’t pushed her, hadn’t tried to make a move… just had been there when she needed him and kept watch over her. Until… until she had started to get better, fed up with being molly-coddled… and somehow they had ended up in a huge fight again.
He sighs and tries to pry his eyes away from Laura. Rain is pounding on the windows of his bedroom, reminding him again of why he’s still a little furious at her. The fight at her place had been bad enough that he’d stormed out of her door, again, vowing never to come back to that stupid stubborn wench. He’d really given all his time to help her, make her get better… and all she had done was giving him the feeling that he was suffocating her and belittling her capabilities. She’d appeared to be an ungrateful spoiled brat and he’d been overwhelmed by hurt pride and a bruised heart.
When he’d arrived at his own place, he’d still been erratic, walking agitatedly from one corner of the room to another, until he finally came to stand in front of the cupboard where he kept a few of the most precious pictures of his past and recent team. His eyes had fallen on a picture of Sam and again he’d found himself wishing she was here so he could ask her what the hell he could do to resolve whatever it was between him and his demolitions specialist.
But since Sam wasn’t there all he could think of was plucking the phone out and switching his mobile off… practically shutting himself away from the world, from her… from his feelings that just wouldn’t go away. Of course Sam would have pointed out that it was no wonder they wouldn’t go away if he didn’t just leave her alone…
On the bed, there’s some movement. That should be his clue to leave but… There’s something about the sight of Laura in his bed, under his covers that makes it impossible for him to just turn around and lie down on his couch to try and get some sleep in this stormy and rainy night. And anyway, after the entrance Laura performed tonight… he better check up on her, just to be sure that everything is okay.
He shakes his head. Yeah, that had been something only Laura could have pulled off. Hours after he’d stormed out of her apartment, suddenly his doorbell rang. He hadn't wanted to answer but the ringing had been persistent and just to shut it off he’d gone to the door… only to find a soaking wet Laura in front of it, determined to make him listen to her saying sorry, no matter how much strength the way from her place to his had cost her. In the end… he could never be angry with her for long, most of all when she took so much upon herself just to say sorry - even if he’d wanted to shout at her for being so stupid and risk her still fragile health in this way.
She stirs again and he finally admits to himself that only watching her is not enough for him. After pushing himself away from the doorframe, he makes his way over to the bed and sits down. She’s his downfall, he thinks, and in more than one way. The disciplinary action against him… it’s nothing to be taken lightly but when General Hammond had taken him aside and asked him if he’d do it again, he’d answered with an honest and whole-hearted yes.
And then there is this fraternization thing… and the fear of losing another friend. When he’d walked out on her after practically admitting to her that he loved her and in the week before the blizzard mission, he’d felt so stupid for placing the thing he had with her in danger for something he wouldn’t ever get anyway.
He’d been ready to close himself off again, like he’d done after Sam’s disappearance, but this time she hadn't even needed to come charging into his office… all she had needed to do to throw him off that track had been giving him a weak smile and complaining about his bedside manner.
The covers rustle again… but this time, it’s not the unconscious movement of someone sleeping… oh crap. There all the carefully built up friendship goes again because he couldn’t keep to himself… “Evan?” She sounds sleepy… a little beside herself.
He knows he should just get up again, give her the impression that he’s just a figment of her imagination… but he simply doesn’t have the heart to do that. “Yeah, it’s me… I’m sorry, I should…”
“Don’t go.” That… surprises him. Even if she’s still half asleep and her ramblings shouldn’t mean anything because she isn't even really conscious… they do. Because it means that… she was probably dreaming of him, thinking of him. It makes him a little dizzy, the thought of Laura dreaming of him.
Very carefully he lies down facing her because those two simple words had an almost pleading undertone to them, as if she needed him to be there. In the sparse light from outside, he can see that her eyes are half-open. “I won’t.”
She shudders and curls up a little more, as if she’s cold. And yes, it’s a little chilly in the room because one of the windows is ajar, letting in the dribbling and pounding sound of the rain and a continuous stream of cold air. He’d love to get up and shut the window to make her feel better but something tells him she wouldn’t take that all too well just now. “Promise.”
It’s so hard, keeping from reaching out to her and gently stroking her cheeks or putting a comforting hand on hers that she has almost clenched around a corner of her pillow… just anything to make her relax again. “I do. I won’t go away.”
“Ever again?” What… is happening with her? That’s not the Laura he knows… so insecure and dependent. Something… must be the matter with her. Something that has already started to tug at his heartstrings.
“Ever again. I’ll stay. Laura… is everything okay?” She shudders again, this time more violently and he’s about to shut that damn window but before he can get up, suddenly her hand is around his wrist. It’s not clasping it, just lying there… but it’s ice-cold.
“So cold, Evan… so cold. So much snow… make it go away.” Dammit. In her head, she’s back in that blizzard; reliving it… reliving that he left her behind, left her alone to die. Without thinking, he crawls under the covers, takes her shivering body in his arms, almost subconsciously whispering an apology into her hair… and then he realizes that her hands may be icy but her face is burning hot.
Dammit, he’s an idiot. The walk through the rain, the barely restored health, the cold from the window… he should have known that her still frail immune system couldn’t put up with so many things at once. He should have driven her to the SGC the moment she’d almost stumbled into his apartment, regardless of any possible protestations. He should have… he should have never run out her door, again.
She has curled up against him, seeking his warmth and the solace she seems to find in his presence but he knows it’s vital now that he gets to a phone. Carefully and with suppressed swearing he reaches over her to grab his phone, not being able to resist a fleeting kiss on her forehead to still her erratic breathing. In hushed and urgent tone he tells the SGC to get an ambulance here ASAP, knowing full well that they are the only ones really equipped to deal with whatever has Laura in its grip, since public civilian hospitals still reel from the underfunding of the last few years.
When he has placed his call, he forces himself to stay calm, for Laura’s sake. He also forces the guilty feelings and worry back to be able to concentrate on simply being there for her. It seems like hours to him - the time that he holds her feverish body close to him, with the sound of the rain and the wind filling the room until it seems to be the only thing he hears… or is that her wheezing breath and the rushing of his blood in his ears?
Finally, the sound of his doorbell rings through his home as a release. He opens the door and the paramedics take over. Again, he finds himself standing on the sidelines, forced to watch others save Laura, his hands empty and his head full of questions and emotional chaos. He’s so out of it that the medic in charge has to ask him twice if he intends to stay behind or if he wants to accompany them.
For a short moment, he contemplates staying behind, just so he doesn’t have to see Laura suffering again but then he meets her half-open eyes and even in her ill and weakened state, she still manages to communicate to him that she doesn’t expect anything less of him than that he doesn’t leave her alone again. Putting on an expression of grim determination he finally nods. That thing on the planet… was the last time he ever left her alone when she needed him, no matter what the cost.
~*~
TBC in I Broke All The Rules