FanFic100: #086 Choices
“Are you sure you should be here, Laura?”
She tries not to be annoyed. She really, really tries because this is James Henderson - teammate, friend, surrogate big brother - asking her. But it’s not the first time he asked her something like this. In fact, he has asked her this at least four times in the last 30 minutes. Not to mention all the other times in the last two hours. Heaving a little sigh, she responds, “Yes, I am. And if you ask me that or anything remotely similar ever again, I’m gonna scream.”
It produces a snort from Linley and a frown from Henderson, most probably because they know she means it. And really… It’s been four weeks since her second trip to the SGC’s infirmary. Sure, she still tires much faster than before the blizzard mission and the following complications but they have told her that she’s making very fast progress… and this is Evan’s final disciplinary hearing. There’s no way she would stay at home.
“I’m just saying…” Henderson raises his hands a little defensively and she’s glad they are the only people in the corridor of the court room because Henderson is still a Captain and they are all in their service uniforms and not everyone would understand why a USAF Captain yields so easily to a Marine Lieutenant.
However… she should stop glaring and snapping at the guys. In the last few weeks they haven’t been around her nearly half as often as Evan but neither of them had been grounded and she also hadn’t allowed them to sacrifice all their leave for her, like Evan did. Henderson and Linley both have significant others and family outside of the team whereas Evan and her… only have the team… and each other.
Now silent again, she is back to staring at the door of the court room and absentmindedly drumming her fingers on the purse in her lap. She also tries not to think about this… only having Evan, that is. In fact… that’s probably what both of them had done for at least three weeks… and what made them keep each other at arm’s length, even though they spent most of their days in each other’s company.
God, she wishes this was finally over. Even though he hasn’t said a word about it, she always knew that the disciplinary charges against him have worried and stressed out Evan and she feels so horribly guilty about all of this. If she hadn't made a move to make him talk to her, if she hadn't insisted he take part in team activities, if she hadn't kept on pestering him… he’d never have developed any feelings for her… and she would have never developed feelings for him.
But anyway, her feelings are of no importance now, since he’s on trial for challenging General Hammond’s orders, just so he could save her sorry hide… even though she must have practically crushed his heart only a week before that. She knows that this is another thing she should not think about but in the end it always came back to her. And how could it not, with Evan being there for most of her days, practically 24 hours? Patiently, helpfully, encouragingly… taking care that she wouldn’t overexert herself, would eat enough, wouldn’t go insane with not being allowed back to duty for an unspecified amount of time. And never, never making a pass at her or saying anything about the charges and how they affected him.
On the one hand she’s thankful that he… “Laura.” A little startled she looks down on her purse where Henderson has firmly enclosed her hand with his. Swallowing, she looks up again, into Henderson’s serious face. “It’s gonna be okay. He’ll be cleared, don’t worry.” And fucking stop thinking it’s your fault, is the thing she can see in his eyes, again.
For another long moment, they’re just sitting there with Henderson keeping her fingers from drumming and her looking into his face, searching for just about any sign of accusation or disapproval. Then he lets go of her hand again but instead of simply going back to wait in silence with her and Linley, he says, “Laura… I know you don’t want to talk about it… but Harry and I… we really need to know.”
She knows what’s about to come now. Linley already once asked her after she woke up from her coma and she didn’t give him a satisfactory answer - at least not satisfactory for him and Henderson - so she already half expected this question to resurface sooner or later. Still… she swallows again. “Look, Jim…”
“At least be honest with us this time, Laura.” Linley now, unusually serious. At least there’s no reproachful undertone to his voice… or is there?
She takes a deep breath, not really sure what to answer them. It’s not like she doesn’t want to be honest… it’s just that she really has no idea what’s going on between her and Evan, either. She thought she did - back to friendship after a week from hell - but if she’s honest… that’s a load of crap. Nothing is like it used to be although they both try very hard to pretend. There’s a new quality to everything between them, ever since he crawled into bed with her when she came down with whatever infection had hit her after stumbling through the rain.
He thinks she doesn’t remember it but she does. In fact… she remembers it very well and again and again she finds herself waking up at night, craving that closeness, nearly going insane with the knowledge that he’s just a phone call - or more often even only a few feet on her couch - away from her. She also has a very hard time not to just put her head down on his shoulder when they share a quiet evening or draw him towards her and comfort him with a kiss when he comes back from yet another battle with legal paper work. Only the feeling that everything between them would shatter like glass if she so much as pushed it one iota in the wrong direction keeps her from simply acting on her impulses, like she used to.
“Laura?” She blinks. Dammit. Lost in thought again. It’s really time that she gets back into action. All this sitting around really isn't doing her any good.
She takes another deep breath. “It’s… complicated, guys. I really wish it was easy but it just… isn't.” Both Henderson and Linley look like this is not the answer they anticipated or wanted. Ah hell. “Look, it’s just… I don’t even know myself what this is and where it’s going. And I seriously doubt Evan… Major Lorne has a clue about it.”
Linley wants to reply something but she’s saved by the court room door finally opening and immediately she’s at her feet… which she regrets only seconds later. A wave of dizziness comes crashing down on her making her put one hand on her forehead and the other on the bench’s rail for support. Struggling to get back her footing before Evan enters the corridor, she forces herself to stand up straight again, even ignoring Henderson’s helping hand. Evan was in there for two hours, just because of her. He deserves that she greets him like the proud Marine she used to be before the blizzard mission, not like the weak imitation of herself she became after it.
Thankfully, the first ones to leave the room are the judges who don’t even pay real attention to the small group gathered outside the room where it was make or break for their leader. She has enough time to take a few deep breaths to steady herself and grit her teeth until General Hammond and Evan emerge from the room. For a moment, her heart flutters but she attributes it to the aftereffects of the infection she still experiences from time to time. A little anxiously she searches his face for any sign that the hearing went bad for him… but there’s just barely visible relief… and a short brave smile when he catches her eyes.
A little tentatively - again, this is really not like her - she takes a few steps towards him and General Hammond with Henderson and Linley closely behind her. When she’s finally in earshot, the sentences from General Hammond she catches makes her curious and worries her a little, “I expect you to appear in my office tomorrow for the final paperwork, Major. And of course you’ll get a proper farewell.”
A… farewell? Confused she searches for Evan’s eyes but he just gives her a minute shake of his head and then turns back to Hammond again, as if this tiny communication never happened. “Thank you, sir, I appreciate that.” She thinks she detected a faint note of regret in his voice and really wonders what this is all about. Did they throw him out? But why the relief then? Or did she read him wrong, even after all the time they passed together?
“I know, Major. And I think it’s time you tell your team the news.” With that, he nods at them. “Captain, Lieutenants… please excuse me.” They just nod back, all of them confused and uncomfortable and dreading whatever will come now. She realizes that Henderson and Linley must feel as guilty about everything as she does since Evan shouldered their blame as well and never pressed charges against Henderson for refusing to leave him alone for the blizzard planet.
So when General Hammond is gone again, they all turn to Evan, looking at him questioningly. Henderson even dares to say, “Sir…” but doesn’t get very far because Evan holds up his hand.
“Don’t worry. They let me off the hook. All charges are dismissed, thanks to General Hammond. Guess I really owe him.” She expects him to continue, tell them what this farewell business is about but he… doesn’t.
She was, however, never one to be patient so she can’t help saying, “What’s with the farewell, then?” Please don’t tell me you still handed in your resignation, she nearly begs. Suddenly not having the uniform anymore, having to venture out into a world that doesn’t exactly receive ex-SGC members with open arms, only associating everything bad the SGC brought over this world with them, never acknowledging that even people wearing the SGC patch could be decent and upstanding - it would destroy him, she’s sure of that and she doesn’t want to see him end up like Colonel Mitchell.
He takes a deep breath and rubs his neck. “Well… seems like they have found a way to get rid of me without having to throw me out.” That doesn’t exactly explain anything, either and she’s tempted to tell him so, but he’s faster than her. “I’m going to be promoted.” That… that’s great news, isn't it?
Henderson and Linley immediately congratulate him but she just can’t bring herself to do it yet because she can sense that there’s more to it and that the promotion is more of a burden than a blessing. And yes, after he has accepted Henderson’s and Linley’s congratulations, he adds, “And I’m going to be transferred out of the SGC.” Transferred out. Transferred out.
Again she attributes the uncomfortable lurch in her stomach to her not quite restored good health and not to the fear of losing him through a transfer to a base somewhere far away - and she’s sure that it just has to be as far away from the SGC as they can because he proved to be less of a good little tin soldier than they thought he was. When she looks at her two teammates, she sees part of that sentiment written on their faces as well and Evan must also have seen it because he hurries to continue, “Hey, don’t worry. They wanted to transfer me to NATO headquarters in Brussels but obviously they underestimated General Hammond. I’ll stay at the Mountain, just a few levels above you, as some kind of liaison officer between NORAD and the Stargate Program.”
NORAD. The Mountain. Colorado Springs. He would still be there. He would still be near her. She could still call him whenever she wanted to and he would still be able to come over to her and she could still drop by his place if she felt like it.
And he wouldn’t be her immediate superior anymore. In fact… he wouldn’t even belong to the same command anymore. As the impact of that makes its way through her thick skull, she only stands there dumbfounded, while Henderson and Linley congratulate him again, telling him they would miss him as their team leader but that they are glad he would still be around and that this sure would be a great career leap for him and that he might find himself faster in the Pentagon than he thought…
Henderson is the first one to realize she hasn’t said a thing yet and that Evan really tried to receive their congratulations with the proper attention but that all the time he was just waiting for her to react to him. He nudges Linley not exactly subtly and nearly drags him away with telling him they are supposed to do “this thing”. It’s funny, she thinks. For being the first one to confront her with a question regarding whatever was happening between her and their CO, Linley sure is pretty slow with realizing why exactly Henderson tries to get him away from her and Evan.
When they are finally round the next bend - she could hear Linley’s protests all along the corridor until they disappeared - she turns back to Evan and… the strange tension between them is back. However, today she’s not in the mood to bear it for very long, so she says with a smile she hopes looks genuine, “Congratulations. You really deserved the promotion. We’ll miss you as team leader, though.”
“Yeah.” A somewhat weary smile and she realizes that he finally lets himself show that he knows very well that the transfer and the promotion are punishment rather than the reward they should have been. Suddenly she feels very bad for him, feels his pain at being thrown out of the most prestigious program the Air Force had to offer him… practically being discarded like a dog that had been disobedient one time too many. She wants to reach out for him, take his hand, soothe his cheek; just about anything to make him feel better but all she is capable of is clenching her hands around her purse. He sighs. “It’s okay, Laura. I didn’t… I didn’t really feel at home at the SGC for quite a while anyway. Something… just didn’t fit anymore.”
Something didn’t fit anymore? She doesn’t understand what he’s talking about and all of a sudden is afraid that he’s glad about the transfer because it means he doesn’t have to work with her anymore, doesn’t have to see her anymore… and is away from memories that still must be painful, even after all this time. She takes a deep breath. “Evan, if this is still about Major Carter…”
“It’s not.” It startles her how fast and how absolute this comes from him, making her suspect that at least part of this is about Major Carter and she can’t help but feeling a pang of jealousy at this woman who obviously once had such a big part of his life that he simply can’t let go of her. The bitter thought that she would never be such a part of his life worms its way into her mind and makes her nearly leave the scene. Actually… actually the only thing still keeping her rooted to the spot is that he adds, “To be honest: If this is about a woman… it’s mostly about you, Laura.”
About… her? What… is that supposed to mean? Does it mean that he’s partly relieved about this new posting because it means he’ll be away from her and the pain she must cause him or because it means he could… they could… She looks at him, confounded and not quite ready to accept that suddenly there’s a possibility she might get what she had been craving for so long… a lot longer than those last four weeks, as she only now realizes. He just shrugs, tries another brave smile… but still doesn’t make a move.
It’s as if he’s waiting for something… ah hell. The stupid corridor is empty - maybe except for Henderson and Linley who could very well still be waiting around that corner, exchanging bets on how long it will take them to just throw caution and awkwardness to the wind - and he already admitted to being in love with her anyway, so now it’s her turn, isn't it? Without further thinking, she takes another step towards him, leans forward… and very tentatively touches his lips with hers.
However, the timidity doesn’t last very long because as soon as her lips are on his, he responds immediately by deepening the kiss and wrapping his arms around her as she dimly registers through the whirlwind of emotions and thoughts this kiss has set in motion. It ends far too early, but yeah… oxygen had started to become an issue. She’s glad he still keeps her wrapped in his arms because she’s sure that if he wouldn’t, she’d end up on the floor, what with her suddenly weak knees and everything.
This time, his smile is neither forced nor has it any sad or weary undertones to it. Instead, it’s maybe the first full-out smile she has seen in over six months… maybe the first one she has seen ever since joining his team. He puts his forehead against hers and just can’t stop smiling and that doesn’t exactly help her in the weak knees department. It also doesn’t help that when he finally says something, it’s with a husky, pleasant voice she never heard before, “God, I thought you’d never make a move.”
She can’t help but kissing him again before finally getting enough grip on herself again that she’s fairly sure she can stand on her own. It’s also the moment where she realizes that technically they’re still teammates and better shouldn’t be caught making out in public. And anyway… they have a lot of catching up to do in the making-out department. She grins. “You know I like my big entrances and dramatics.” There’s an agreeing nod and a grin from him but before he can retort something which would be teasing or worse, she takes one of his hands and continues, “Come on, flyboy, it’s time to get home.”
“Yeah,” he sighs and gives her a kiss on the forehead, “yeah, it definitely is.” With that, they simply start walking down the corridor.
Before they reach the corner opposite to the one Henderson and Linley disappeared around, though, she can’t help turning around and calling out, “Hey, guys, you can come out now. The squishy stuff is over.” For a moment, nothing happens.
But then Linley’s voice can be heard, “I told you she’d never buy we’d just vanished.”
“No, I told you she’d never buy the vanishing thing,” is Henderson’s immediate response, making her and Evan grin at each other. She manages to steal a very tiny kiss from him before Henderson and Linley finally appear again, still bickering with each other.
When they arrive they acknowledge the clasped hands with only so much as a quick glance and she’s grateful that they spare her and Evan just another awkward scene. There’d been far too much of that in this team lately, anyway. It’s Linley who speaks up first, addressing Evan, “You know that you owe us a round now, right, boss?”
Evan rolls his eyes but replies good-naturedly, “Yeah. Just don’t blame me when Charlotte is pissed at you for coming home much too late again.”
“Would I ever, boss?” But before they can give him the answer he deserves, Linley holds up his hands. “Okay, okay, I don’t want to hear it. Keep it to yourself, right?” It provokes laughter from the rest of the team and it makes her heart soar that Evan’s is real and hearty. As they finally leave the court building together, she still feels a little weak-kneed but this time she refuses to credit it to anything having to do with sickness. It’s really time she starts leaving all that behind and now is as good as any time to do so.
~*~
TBC in Tore You Up