Ouroboros - Part 3

[gedry]

Fic title:Ouroboros
Author name:Gedry
Artist name:Counteragent
Genre: Gen
Rating:PG
Word count: 32,895
Summary:After Sam gets his soul back his relationship with Dean is rockier than ever. Secrets have piled up and tension is running high between the brothers. Their inability to get along causes problems for Bobby so he orders them to get help or get gone. Working through their problems is more complicated than they thought, and their therapist isn’t who she seems.




Session 5

“My brother came back from his last appointment with you concerned that Bobby might not know we love him,” Sam says once he gets settled in the chair.

When Dora doesn’t answer, he turns to face her purposefully-blank face.

“You’re not even going to respond to that, are you?” Sam asks.

“No,” Dora answers. “For two reasons: one, we agreed that you would only talk about your brother in the context of something related to you, and two, I’m not going to discuss Dean’s case with you.”

“How do you know Dean being worried about not telling someone he loved them enough isn’t impacting me?” Sam presses.

“I don’t,” she replies. “If that’s the case, then sell me on it.”

Sam bites his lip. It’s a long time before he finally says, “He never tells me he loves me. Seeing him worried about Bobby not knowing kind of made me want to choke him.”

“Because he’s not concerned about your feelings?”

“Yeah,” Sam announces. “I mean. I’m his brother, for fuck’s sake. It would be really nice if he could give me some kind of sign that he loves me once in a while, too.”

“Do you express you affections to Dean?”

“I call him a jerk a lot,” Sam shrugs. “He calls me a bitch. It’s like a bonding thing with us. We’ve done it since we were kids.”

“And I’m to assume that ‘jerk’ and ‘bitch’ are acronyms for ‘I love you’.”

“Something like that,” Sam sighs. “I’m more emotionally repressed than I thought.”

“You sound disappointed,” Dora counters.

“I’m supposed to be the healthy one,” Sam snorts. “Seriously, people look at us and think Dean is the fucked-up one. Maybe for a while a couple of years ago that was true, but it’s not now. Dean’s grown up. I came back from Hell, and at some point when I wasn’t paying attention my big brother went from being this ridiculous adolescent in a man’s body to being a grown man with grown-up concerns. He had a family and kid. He still has Ben, even though he thinks I don’t know about them talking. I’m not sure why he hides it from me, either.”

“You see your brother as significantly different from prior to you going to Hell.”

“Really different,” Sam nods.

“And how have you changed in that time?” Dora asks.

“That’s not a fair question,” Sam argues. “I don’t remember Hell, or the whole year I lived after it. So it doesn’t feel like anything’s different about me.”

He hears her pen click and she sets the notepad on the desk beside her before turning to face his with a look of irritation and ordering, “Try again, Sam.”

“What do you mean?” Sam asks.

“Cut the fake innocent act and try to answer the question again, but don’t lie this time,” Dora explains.

“I’m not,” Sam whispers and he fights the urge to curl up in the chair and back away from her. For the first time in a long time, Sam’s afraid. Dora knows something. She knows something no one should know.

“You’ve got thirty seconds to start talking, or our sessions are over,” she says steadily. “I will not waste my time on people who won’t respect me enough to be truthful.”

He pulls his legs up to his chest then without even thinking about doing it first. Sam knows he has to look stupid with the way he has his gigantic body crammed into her chair, but there’s no stopping it now. He’s not going to be able to sit through this conversation with his façade on. “I remember everything,” he starts and is slightly relieved when she sits back in the chair and there’s more space between them. “I remember Hell and waking up and living that year without my soul. I didn’t at first. There were these huge gaps in my brain where, instead of memories, there was just empty space. But over time it’s trickled back in here and there. Sometimes I’ll see something or touch something and have a flashback, or someone will say something that makes me think of a conversation I had. I used to dream about Hell, but after awhile I realized they weren’t just nightmares. They were memories. But you can’t tell Dean. I’m serious, it will crush him. He risked everything hoping I would be able to just move on from it and never know. I don’t want to disappoint him.”

“How do you hide it so well?” Dora asks. “Your soul is in shambles. The people around you have to sense something isn’t right.”

“I think Cas has it halfway figured out,” Sam admits. “But he’s got his own problems right now, and he and Dean have that whole profound-bond thing going on, so I’m not really his focus. Bobby hasn’t been right with me since I tried to kill him. He’s not as comfortable around me as he was before, so he might just think he’s seeing things because of the tension. Dean’s oblivious when it comes to me. Haven’t you figured that out yet? It’s like a giant pink elephant stomping around us all the time, everywhere we go, but he just keeps on pretending that I’m totally fine. Maybe he just can’t cope with the truth.”

“The truth?” Dora questions.

“That I’m destroyed inside,” Sam answers with a shake of his head as he slips his feet back onto the carpet. “That I’m damaged beyond the point of no return now. I look around me, and everyone is still moving forward. They have goals and dreams and plans. Even Dean had a whole life of his own before I ruined it for him by dragging him back in. And then there’s me. I’m like the walking dead. I’m Pinocchio. I live and breathe and fight, but I’m burned out inside. Nothing feels real.”

“You feel disconnected,” Dora supplies.

“Yes!” Sam exclaims as he leans his elbows onto his knees. “I feel like I’ve been cut out of the picture.”

“So these feelings that you’re worried about Dean having, and the lack of affection you two have in your relationship,” Dora says slowly. “You notice their absence not because you feel a need for them, but because you think it might mean Dean knows something is wrong with you.”

“He keeps me at arm’s length now,” Sam sighs. “I don’t want him to give up on me. It hurts. I have all this shit in my head and nowhere to put it down and I need his help, but he won’t give it to me.”

“Because you haven’t asked for it,” she points out.

“Because it’s too big,” Sam argues. “It’s too much to ask for. I shouldn’t need my big brother to mother me anymore. I shouldn’t need him to tell me it’s going to be okay and he’s never going to leave me. I’m a grown man. He’s a grown man. We should be normal and see each other on holidays while we live separate lives like other brothers do.”

“But you’re not normal.”

“He could be,” Sam mutters. “If I went away, he could be.”

“That’s not what you want though, is it?”

“No,” Sam says softly while he tugs on his shirt sleeve. “I want things to be like they were in the beginning, when we were friends and had fun.”

“So how do we get back there?” Dora asks.

“I don’t know,” Sam snorts. “If I knew, don’t you think I would do it?”

He’s a little offended by her look of disbelief even before she says, “No, I don’t.”

“Why not?” Sam asks.

“The same reason you jumped into the cage with Lucifer in the first place, Sam,” she answers.

“To stop the Apocalypse?” Sam says sarcastically.

“Because you feel guilty,” She explains. “You feel guilty for taking your brother away from his cookie-cutter life and forcing him to go back out there with you. Everything in your life seems out of control, and has for a long time. You’ve developed this need to manage things in your own mind, and it makes you feel like you actually have a grip on something. But if you step back and look at your life, Sam, I wonder if you might have a different opinion. How responsible can you be for your actions if you don’t have a soul? If you’re driven by a craving for blood? If you’re poisoned as a baby? You try to do the right thing in situations where there is no right answer.”

He doesn’t respond for a long time.

“Sam?” Dora asks. “Are you with me?”

“Lucifer told me my whole life had been one huge manipulation,” Sam mumbles. “My fucking prom date was a demon. I had been so sure we were different people.”

“You and Lucifer?”

“Yeah,” Sam sighs. “But we aren’t. You tug out my soul, and I act just like he acted. I destroy just like he destroyed. The only difference was that his concept was global, and I just focused on local issues. I stomped all over everyone and everything in the way of what I wanted.”

“Why did you go back for your brother?” She asks.

“I didn’t want to be alone,” Sam answers with shaking hands as he hides his face. “I wanted the team back together, and I thought I could make him see how much better I was without my soul and then it could be like it was before.”

“But that’s not how it turned out.”

“No,” Sam chuckles weakly. “Dean’s a stubborn son of a bitch, and he’s always thought he knew what was best for me. Turns out this time, he was right. Having a soul, as bad as it all hurts, is better than being without it.”

“So I’m asking again,” Dora smiles slightly. “What would it take for you to feel something other than guilt, shame, and fear?”

“I don’t know,” Sam answers. “Do you think I’m allowed to? After all the things I’ve done, do you think I’m allowed to be happy?”

“It doesn’t matter what I think, Sam,” Dora answers. “It only matter what you believe.”

*****

“Hey Bobby,” Sam says as the other man answers the phone. “It’s Sam.”

“Are you two alright?” Bobby asks. He sounds tired. Sam figures he might have been asleep, but he ignores the twinge of guilt that rushes in when he thinks about waking Bobby up. This is important.

“Yeah,” Sam answers. “Dean’s out getting some food. Look, Bobby, I need to tell you two things and then I’ll let you go.”

“Okay,” Bobby says slowly. “This ain’t exactly making me feel all warm and fuzzy here, Sam.”

“I know,” Sam sputters. “Just let me get it out and see what you think.”

“Go ahead, son,” Bobby whispers.

Sam takes a deep breath before blurting, “I remember everything. I’m sorry. I’ve been lying to everyone for a long time. I haven’t told Dean, but I’m going to. I just need to do a little more work on myself, first. But Dora and I talked today, and I think even though I was keeping it a secret to not scare anyone, it’s probably doing more damage than good. So I just needed to tell you I remember.”

“All of it, Sam?” Bobby’s voice sounds tight. “Everything?”

“Hell,” Sam sputters. “And being soulless. I remember trying to kill you. I’m so sorry.”

“Are you sure you’re alright, boy?” Bobby asks, and Sam has to close his eyes to not tear up at the fiercely protective tone he hears in the older man’s voice. “Because I’ll leave right now and come for you if you want me to.”

“I know you would, Bobby,” Sam whispers. “I know.”

He counts Bobby’s breathes for the next several moments.

“What’s the other thing?” Bobby blurts gruffly.

“I love you,” Sam chokes out. “I just never say it, and we should. We should tell you even though you’re going to roll your eyes and call us ‘idgits,’ it’s something you should know. I love you, and you’re my dad in all the ways that matter, and I’m sorry I’m such a fuck-up, Bobby. I’m going get this worked out, okay? I promise. I’m going to get myself straightened out.”

“Sammy,” Bobby sounds so strung out over the line and Sam hears a wet noise that he thinks couldn’t possibly be a sob. “Kid, whatever Dora’s working with you on, you do what she says, okay? She’s trying to help you boys. Don’t give up on this.”

“I’m not,” Sam huffs. “I hate it, but I’m going. I’m sorry for trying to hurt you, Bobby. I’m so ashamed. I haven’t known how to make it better between us for a long time.”

“We’re good, son,” Bobby assures him and it’s solid sounding, there’s no hesitation there. “Now you get yourself back in there and work on you. Don’t need to worry about this old man.”

“Okay,” Sam snuffles. “I’ll call you later.”

“You do that,” Bobby answers. “And Sammy, I love you too.”

Session 6

“How have the last few weeks been for the both of you?” Dora asks.

Dean and Sam look at each other out of the corner of their eyes. No one says anything.

“That good, huh?” she snorts.

Dean’s a little relieved when Sam laughs. “It’s been different, I guess.”

“Different how?”

“It’s hard to really describe,” Dean sighs. “I mean, we have these moments sometimes where it almost feels like we’re not about to try and kill each other, but they’re not happening that often. Most of the time, it’s tense. Maybe even more tense than when we started all of this.”

“Why?”

“It’s sort of like sleeping with the enemy now,” Dean explains. “I mean, I say something I know is rude, and Sam doesn’t like, I think he’s going to turn me in to you the next time he has a session. I have a beer, I think about you telling me I drink too much. I talk to Bobby, and wonder if I should tell him I love him. I try talking to Sam about it, and he looks at me like I’m fucking nuts.”

“I do not,” Sam answers and Dean can hear the defensiveness in his tone.

“Fuck yeah, you do,” Dean snarls back. “You’re doing it right now and you don’t even know it!”

“Yeah, I know,” Sam huffs. “Everything is always my fucking fault.”

“I didn’t say that,” Dean argues with him before turning to Dora and blurting, “Tell him I didn’t say that! I just got done saying I’m being mean and doing stupid shit. I give up. Fuck it.”

“What about you, Sam?” Dora asks after Dean slumps back in his chair and stares out the window. “How do you think things have been going?”

“It’s been hard,” Sam answers. “Dean’s right about those moments we have. Sometimes it’s like we’re really talking for the first time in years, and it’s scary as hell. But then we realize it in the middle of it, and for two days after that we’re nasty as hell with each other. So it makes me want to not rock the boat.”

“The boat of your dysfunction,” Dora comments. “That’s what we’re really talking about here.”

“You lost me,” Sam says.

“You’re both doing some very personal work in therapy right now,” Dora explains. “So naturally, you leave sessions with me processing the things we’ve discussed. You think about them. Normally, people would find someone they feel safe with to discuss their issues. But you two don’t have that outlet, so you’re trying to do it with each other, and that requires a level of trust I’m not sure you two have with each other right now. Once you become aware of it, you deflect attention from your issues by piling on already inappropriate behavior as a defense mechanism.”

“So are we getting better or getting sicker?” Dean asks.

“Both,” she smiles. “It’s part of the process.”

“Fuck the process,” Dean snorts. “This sucks.”

“It can be unpleasant,” Dora agrees. “Let’s brainstorm some solutions.”

“We can just agree not to talk about it,” Dean offers and when Sam and Dora both roll their eyes he admits, “Okay, I didn’t figure you would go for that, but it was worth a shot.”

“You want us to talk about it, don’t you?” Sam asks, and Dean’s forehead creases with worry when he sees how tense his brother is.

“I think if you both had an understanding of what the other is struggling with, you could make choices that helped you be more supportive of each other’s needs.”

“I’m not sure I can do that,” Sam whispers as he crosses his arms and looks at the floor.

Dean flinches at the rejection. “Well, I’m not doing it if he won’t.”

Her face takes on this pinched off expression. Dean can tell she’s pissed. So maybe they are being childish, he’s not giving an inch if Sam’s not willing to move.

“Gentlemen,” Dora sighs. “Forgive me if I let you think this was an optional exercise; it’s not. If you won’t share what you’ve been talking about with each other, then I’m going to read both your files right here.”

“You can’t do that!” Sam shouts. “That’s totally unethical!”

“Sam, look around my office,” Dora answers as she digs through her bag and hauls what Dean can assume are their files out of it. “Do you see a license or a diploma? I am not even human, and I’m not bound by your human laws. You two boys have serious issues. You’re not running on full steam, and that’s unacceptable. The world needs you to work. So whatever I have to do to help you fix this mess you have created between you, I’m going to do it. You don’t have to like it or think it’s fair. I don’t care.”

Sam’s mouth is open and his eyes are wide. He turns to Dean like he expects Dean to do something for him, and all Dean can manage is, “Do we get to flip a coin on whose chart you read first?”

“Nope,” she says with a shake of her head. “But since you’re more willing, we’ll start with Sam’s.”

“FINE!” Sam erupts as soon as she opens the file. “I’ll tell him. I’ll do it. Just please don’t start reading that crap out loud.”

Dean watches as Sam swipes his hands on his pants and rolls his shoulders before taking a deep breath and announcing, “I remember Hell. I remember everything.”

Dean looks at Dora who nods at Sam. “Yeah, Sammy,” Dean finally answers. “I know.”

“You what?” Sam sputters. “How?”

“You were having a lot of nightmares,” Dean shrugs. “I wasn’t sleeping so hot either, so I asked Cas to check you out. I was afraid you were poking at the wall-thing in there. So he sort of peeked in on your dreams, and basically told me you were starting to remember everything.”

“You sent your pet angel to spy on me?” Sam asks as the chair arm squeals a little under his grip. “What the fuck, Dean? Why couldn’t you just ask me?”

“Well, it’s pretty obvious why,” Dean snaps back. “You would have lied about it, Sam, just like you thought you were keeping it this great big secret until just now.”

“I can’t believe you,” Sam huffs. “All this time I’ve been worried about you finding out about this shit, and you just sit there and tell me you already know? It’s like I wasted three months of my life.”

“Exactly,” Dora answers before Dean can respond. “That’s exactly what you’ve done. That’s a part of this exercise. You and Dean both hold your cards so close to your chests that you two aren’t even sure you’re playing the same game anymore. It has to stop. You dropped the big bomb, Sam. You want to keep going?”

“What, you want me to tell him everything?” Sam asks, clearly agitated. “I’m just supposed to toss it all out there and wait for him to use it against me?”

“What, you don’t trust me?” Dean asks.

“No, Dean I don’t,” Sam answers. “You don’t trust me either, so it seems like we’re pretty even.” Sam clenches his jaw. “Fine, if you want the rest you can have it.” Sam shifts in his chair and takes a deep breath before adding, “What I’ve figured out is that I’m a lot more like the devil than I thought I was, and that even though having a soul is great, I’m still halfway numb emotionally. All I really feel is pissed off and scared and guilty.” There’s a moment of silence before Sam gathers himself and forces out through clenched teeth, “That brings me to round two. I feel guilty about fucking everything, Dean. Your french fries could come out cold at the diner tonight, and I’ll feel shitty about it even though I had nothing to do with making them. I hate myself. I have all this horrible, shitty stuff inside me, and I don’t know what to do with it. I’m lonely and isolated; I don’t really feel connected to anything anymore, not even you most of the time, and that hurts. It hurts that you keep shoving me out to arm’s length all the time because you’re what I want to be connected to, but I can’t figure out how. Oh yeah, and after you asked me about that thing with Bobby last week and I brushed you off, I couldn’t get that shit out of my head, so I called him up and told him the truth and told him I loved him, and it was the first time in like two fucking years that I think I felt good inside. I’m not even really sure about it because I haven’t felt that way in so damn long.” Sam turns to Dora and snaps. “Are you happy now?!”

“Dean?” Dora asks.

Dean blinks at both of them, stiff backed in his chair as he tries to swallow everything Sam’s just thrown at him and decide what he’s willing to risk, himself.

“I drink too much,” Dean starts with a mumble, his voice getting clearer as he goes. “I drink too much, and I’ve been popping pills to stay awake since before you got your soul back. I ran out of excuses a long time ago for it, so basically I was taking them because I don’t like my dreams, or not knowing what’s going on while I’m sleeping. It has nothing to do with you, anymore. I’m mad at you for shoving me into what my life could have been like with Ben and Lisa, and then taking it all away. I know you weren’t yourself, but I have a hard time differentiating between robo-you and has-a-soul you, sometimes. I think Lisa and I wouldn’t have worked out anyway, but then there’s Ben, and I love Ben, Sammy. I was a good dad. Being with him felt so much like being with you, and I loved it, and now I don’t have it anymore except phone calls that I’ve been lying to you about. But then I look at you, I can’t help but wonder if maybe being raised by me messed you up. That maybe you don’t resent me for being an asshole of an adult now because you started hating me as a kid, only you hated Dad worse, so I never noticed.”

Dean bites his lip and sighs before adding, “I’m not the man I thought I was, and I don’t know what to do with myself now. I want to fix me and this and make Bobby happy, but every time I try to reach out for something, it feels like I get slapped in the face. So I stopped trying. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I shove you away. I shove everyone away. I’m just so fucking tired of everything.”

*****

They leave the office with a plan to try and be more open with one another. They have a system and an agreement for clearer boundaries. It takes them less than twenty-four hours to start fucking it all up.

Dallas - They hunt down a skin walker and end up heading to the bar to do a little looking around for clues. Dean has a beer, and Sam asks him if he should be drinking. Dean has ten beers and a bottle of Jack. Sam leaves him slumped over the back seat of the Impala puking out the window all night long.

Amarillo - Dean gets stabbed by a desperate man trying to steal his wallet. Sam feels guilty because he was late coming back from getting coffee. Dean says, “Don’t worry about it. It’s not like you fed me to a vampire or anything.” Sam hits him in the face.

Carthage - Cas shows up to help with a case that looks like it might involve the holy grail. Sam confronts him on snooping around in his head. Cas says he only did it because Dean asked him to. Dean comments on their profound bond, and Sam tells him if he wants to go fuck his boyfriend, he should at least wait until Sam leaves to start. Cas disappears, Dean goes to get a beer.

Edgewood - Their next appointment isn’t scheduled for another week. Dora’s secretary calls and says they’ve been moved up. “Wonder why?” Dean mutters around a cheeseburger. “I thought we were doing pretty good.” Sam goes out and gets stupid-drunk before he hits his brother again.

Part 4