Ouroboros - Part 4
Fic title:Ouroboros
Author name:Gedry
Artist name:Counteragent
Genre: Gen
Rating:PG
Word count: 32,895
Summary:After Sam gets his soul back his relationship with Dean is rockier than ever. Secrets have piled up and tension is running high between the brothers. Their inability to get along causes problems for Bobby so he orders them to get help or get gone. Working through their problems is more complicated than they thought, and their therapist isn’t who she seems.
Session 7
“Tell me about the significant relationships in your life,” Dora says at the start of their next session. Dean’s a little surprised by the fact that she’s not diving right into how big a set of fuck-up he and Sam are since their last family meeting.
“Okay,” Dean says slowly. “Well there’s, Sam. You want me to talk about him?”
“Tell me how you feel about Sam.”
“He’s my brother,” Dean explains.
“What does that mean to you?”
“I don’t know,” Dean shrugs. “I mean, I basically raised him. We’ve been together our whole lives. I mean, out of my entire life since Sam was born, we’ve only been apart while he was in college and that time he was in Hell before he came to get me. He’s just always there. We’re connected. Good or bad, he’s a part of me, and he’s important.”
“How healthy do you think your relationship with Sam is?”
“You’ve seen me with Sam,” Dean replies. “Do you really need to ask that?”
“I’m asking what you think. Not what you think I think,” Dora smiles.
“I think my relationship with Sam is the poster child for unhealthy,” Dean admits. “But it’s not like we ever had a good example of how things are supposed to be. Lisa told me once she loved her sister, but she wouldn’t have brought her back from the dead. I don’t understand that. I’m not right without Sam in my life. He’s my brother. I’ve got to love him.”
“No you don’t,” Dora comments. “Love is a choice.”
Dean doesn’t know what to say to that, he’s stunned.
“Tell me about Bobby.”
“You know how I feel about Bobby,” Dean says with a shrug. “He’s like, my dad, and I would do anything for him.”
“Rate your relationship with him.”
“I guess it’s pretty okay,” Dean scratches at his face while he thinks about it. “I mean, for being as fucked-up as I am, Bobby and I are pretty good, right?”
“It does sound like it might be one of your healthier relationships,” Dora admits. “And your angel?”
“Cas,” Dean snorts. “He’s my weird little angel buddy. He annoys the shit out of me and he’s dense as crap. He has a terrible sense of humor and horrible timing. He can be scary as hell one minute and then, the next thing you know, he’s debating the semantics of bad porn with me.”
“You sound fond of him.”
“I guess I kind of am,” Dean squirms. “It’s good to have him on our side. Gives us a leg up most of the time.”
“Best friends will do that for you,” Dora comments.
Dean’s face goes blank. “What?”
“Isn’t that what he is?” Dora asks. “Your best friend?”
Silence.
“I never thought about it,” Dean stammers. “I’ve…never really had a friend before.”
“You seem shocked.”
“Yeah,” Dean mutters. “Thinking about him that way kind of changes things.”
“You mean thinking of him as a person and not just a weapon?”
“Something like that,” Dean whispers before he bites his lip. He’s going to have to think about that more. He’s been a pretty shitty friend to Cas.
“Anyone else?”
“No one that’s currently living,” Dean says with a tightly false smile.
“What about your grandfather?”
“When I see him again, he’s going to die,” Dean says coldly. “He sold us out.”
“It’s so easy for you to turn off those feelings, then?”
“What feelings?” Dean groans. “You and the fucking feelings all the time.”
“He’s a member of your family,” Dora says. “A link to your past. You wanted that connection with him. I understand he hurt you, but I think you understood his reasons.”
“What he’s trying to do,” Dean says, slowly nodding. “I’ve been there, and it’s the wrong thing.”
“That’s easy for you to say, since you still have Sam,” Dora comments. “I wonder if maybe you aren’t projecting your anger onto him because you feel guilty about even thinking of letting Sam stay dead.”
“If I had let Sam die, I wouldn’t have gone to Hell and this whole mess wouldn’t be happening right now,” Dean explains. “I made the wrong call.”
“Dean,” Dora sighs. “Sometimes they’re all the wrong call.”
“So you’re saying I should try to make up with Pappy?” Dean snaps.
“No,” Dora answers. “I’m simply suggesting that you take some time to think about why you feel the way you feel toward him, and own the parts that are really your issues. I’m not even saying to speak to him again.”
“I’ll think about it,” Dean agrees after a long time.
“Now,” Dora shifts further into her seat. “Tell me about your relationships with women.”
“Shit!” Dean barks with laughter. “Have you blocked off your whole afternoon?”
******
“So how’s it going, son?” Bobby asks as he sits down on the porch next to Dean that night.
“Well,” Dean sighs. “Today I learned that loving someone out of obligation is wrong, and my healthiest relationship in the whole world is with this grumpy bastard that calls me an ‘idgit’ all the time.” Bobby gives him half a grin. “I learned I have an angelic best friend that I need to apologize to for three years of unending emotional trauma, and that by hating my grandfather, I’m really hating myself for the poor choices I’ve made in life. Never mind the fact that I feel bad for feeling bad about those choices.”
“Sounds like a lot, kid,” Bobby murmurs as he takes off his hat to scratch his head.
“Yep,” Dean snorts. “Also, I’m an emotionally stunted Neanderthal who loathes myself so much that I purposefully choose to involve myself with women who can’t give me the kind of affection I need in order to be healthy. I use sex as a weapon to create distance in my relationships, and I avoid commitment because if I were to want to really be with someone, I’m afraid that they would leave me first and I wouldn’t be able to cope.” Dean takes a gulp of his drink before adding, “Oh! Add onto that the fact, I’m entirely superficial with my choices of potential mates, and I’m so emotionally constipated, when put on the spot about what types of things I look for in women, the only thing I can come up with is ‘BOOBS.’ Seriously, Bobby just fucking shoot me now.”
There’s a noise to his left, and when he looks over Bobby is struggling to hold back laughter. Once he sees Dean looking at him, it’s a lost cause and the older man doubles over with mirth. “I’m sorry,” Bobby chokes out in between snorts. “It shouldn’t be so funny.”
Dean glares at him for a long time until he finally relaxes and joins in. “It’s okay,” Dean chuckles. “I mean, saying it out loud like that…I get it. I’m a mess.”
“A good mess, if you ask me,” Bobby manages to get himself back under control. “You boys are working real hard at this. I wanted to tell you I appreciate it.”
“Thanks, Bobby,” Dean blushes, and is suddenly grateful it’s dark outside. “But I’m not thinking we’re doing too good of a job.”
“You don’t see it, do you, son?”
“See what?” Dean turns to look at the other man, clearly confused.
“There’s always been a big ball of mess between you two boys. You dance around it and climb on top of it and act like no one else can see it. It’s your single biggest weakness as a team. Everyone can look at you and Sam and know all of your hot spots. You get played again and again, and it’s always the same song.
“This is the first time I’ve ever seen you try and dig through that mess of crap. You and Sam both are picking up some serious shit you’ve been carrying around for years and throwing it out of the way as fast as you can. You bitch about it the whole time, but that’s the Winchester way. I see you moving forward, Dean. I see it in Sam, too. Both of you are in the thick of it now, and you can’t find each other. You just have to keep digging, kid. Keep digging and trust that your brother’s on the other side of that mountain digging just as hard, and you’ll meet somewhere in the middle.”
“Is he?” Dean asks after a long moment of silence. “See, I think it’s the whole trust part that keeps slowing me down.”
“He’s trying, Dean,” Bobby assures him. “You just gotta remember that it’s Sam’s nature to make everything a whole lot harder than it has to be.”
“Thanks,” Dean mumbles before taking a drink of his soda. “It’s a good visual to hold onto. I want to quit a lot, Bobby.”
“You always do,” Bobby snorts. “But that’s the thing I love about you Dean, no matter how much you want to lay down and die, you always come through in the end. You’ll do it this time, too.”
Dean watches him get up to leave, and waits for the older man to get to the front door before he murmurs, “You know I love you, right, Bobby?”
“Yeah, Dean,” Bobby answers as he pauses in the doorway. “I know. But it’s good to hear it sometimes. I love you, too.”
He’s gone then, disappearing into the house, though Dean knows Bobby’s not going to sleep. It’s still early in the night, and they aren’t the only hunters Bobby helps. He’ll be getting phone calls until two or three in the morning asking for information and support. Dean knows he’ll answer every single one of them, even though he’s tired and needs a break.
Bobby’s like that. He’s a good man. One of the best men Dean thinks he has ever met in his life.
Which brings up another good man--angel--whatever, that Dean needs to say something to. He takes a moment, swallows his pride before he shuts his eyes and hopes like Hell Cas is busy. “Hey Cas, it’s Dean. I hope I’m not interrupting anything. I mean, you don’t need to rush down here, or anything. Seriously.”
He risks looking around out of one eye and sighs with relief when the angel is nowhere to be found. “Look,” Dean continues. “I’ve been a total dick to you recently, and I just wanted you to know I’m sorry. I was talking to someone today, and she called you my best friend. I hadn’t really ever thought about us like that before, but you kind of are….okay you are. You’re my best friend.” Dean squirms and sighs. “There, I said it. I’m not trying to have a moment with you or anything. That personal-space rule still totally applies. But you know, I’m sorry for being such a selfish ass around you all the time. I’m going to do better. If you ever want to just, check in and tell me how you’re doing, or if you need anything, I’m open. You can sneak into a dream or something if you need a break. We can go fishing.” Dean groans. “Fuck…I’m just rambling on now. Anyway, I’ve left a message after the beep, or whatever. Just stop by when you feel like it. I um…hope you’re okay.”
Session 8
“So today is relationship day,” Sam says as soon as he sits down in Dora’s office.
She looks at him with a grin. “You and Dean have been talking.”
“We’ve been grunting at each other occasionally while doing very manly things that distract us from the concept of actual sharing,” Sam clarifies. “Good times.”
“Well, since you know the topic already, let’s get started.”
“Okay,” Sam sighs. “There’s Dean. He’s probably my most significant relationship. I mean, he pretty much raised me. Once, after I started school, I tried to call him ‘mommy’ and never tried it again. So, I mean, you know him, and you know what we’re like together. I’m not sure what you want me to say about that.”
“How are you feeling about your relationship with your brother right now?”
“Um,” Sam pauses to think it over while he plucks at his jeans. “I think there is a lot of water under that very broke-down bridge.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning,” he adds. “That I think there is a possibility we might be making some progress here. But I’m not one hundred percent sure about it, either. Things with us are always so rocky. I spend all this time and energy trying to be what he wants me to be. It’s frustrating.”
“What is it exactly that you think Dean wants you to be?” Dora asks.
“I have no idea,” Sam admits. Then he snorts a self-depreciating noise out while he rubs his face with his hand. “That might be part of the problem.”
“Anyone else?”
“Well, there’s Bobby,” Sam comments. “But we’ve talked about him, too. That relationship is also strange for me.”
“Because?”
Sam’s silent for a long moment before he answers. “Because Bobby and Dad had one big thing in common: they both like Dean better than they like me.”
He swipes at his eyes with the back of his hand and mutters, “I’ve never said that out loud before.”
“How does it make you feel?”
“Like I’m not good enough,” Sam huffs. “Like nothing I do will ever make me good enough.”
“Have they said that to you?” Dora presses. “Has Bobby ever said you weren’t good enough?”
“No,” Sam mumbles. “No, Bobby’s too good a guy to look me in the face and tell me that. He told me once he wasn’t going to give up on me, and I know he hasn’t, but that doesn’t mean he’s not disappointed in me for the mistakes I made.”
“And Bobby being disappointed in you equates to you being a failure in your mind.”
“I let him down,” Sam explains. “I let everyone down.”
“Including yourself, Sam,” Dora comments. “You never include yourself when you talk about these things. What do you do with your feelings?”
“I keep them in and shove them down,” Sam answers.
“And how has that worked for you all these years?”
Sam lets out a dry crack of frustrated laughter. “You know what it did for me? It gave me a nice chasm of anger and hate for Lucifer to play with when he possessed me. It made me even more of a liability than the demon blood.”
“What about Castiel?”
“Cas has a ‘profound bond’ with my brother,” Sam says as he makes little quotations with his fingers. “He told me once he thinks I’m annoying. We’re not close.”
“But by your example, he’s one of your brother’s most significant relationships,” Dora comments. “How do you cope with him being so close to Dean and not to you?”
“You make it sound like I’m jealous,” Sam snorts.
“Are you?”
“No!” he exclaims. “That’s stupid.”
“I’m not the one that brought it up, Sam,” Dora points out. “You did that all by yourself.”
“So you’re saying by mentioning it, I’m making it true?” Sam asks.
“No,” Dora replies. “I’m saying that something about your brother’s relationship with Cas bothers you, or you wouldn’t be so emotionally reactive about it.”
“It’s not Cas,” Sam deflates. “He’s a good guy, and I know he cares about me in his weird little way.”
“Then what is it?”
“I get demon blood, and Dean gets an angel,” Sam sighs. “I mean, seriously? Does anyone else see the weirdness there? Sometimes I wonder if I’m on the wrong team. You know A + B = C. Everything points to me having a stellar career as the Prince of Darkness, but I keep not getting with the program.”
“You’re upset by the lack of fairness?”
“It would be nice if an angel dropped in my lap every once in a while,” Sam grumbles.
He’s shocked when she doesn’t say anything. “What?” he asks when she just sits there looking at him.
“Sam,” she sighs. “I like you. I think you’ve drawn a couple of really bad hands that aren’t entirely your fault, so I want you to remember that when I say this next thing.”
She pauses, and Sam feels a swirl of anxiety in his chest as she leans forward.
“You have to be, without a doubt, the most likeably selfish man I have ever met. You are pouty and bitchy and inconsiderate. Everything is about you all the time. In fact, you’re so wrapped up in yourself that you project your own feelings of inadequacy onto the people around you and blame them for it. But for some reason you have such a good heart, such a sweet soul that everyone in your life who loves you not only puts up with it, but never says a word to you about how emotionally crippled you are.” Dora sighs. “Wake up, Sam!”
He glares at her for a long time.
“Are you expecting a response?” Sam asks hesitantly after Dora stops speaking and starts scribbling note in her book.
“If you feel a need to say something, feel free,” she answers. “It wasn’t my intent to hurt your feelings.”
“No, I’m good,” Sam says with a nod. “I’m going to chew on that for a while, and maybe I’ll bring it back up later.”
She nods, there’s an easing of tension in the room for a few moments before she starts speaking again.
“Tell me about your relationships with women,” Dora asks.
“Well, there was Jessica,” Sam says with a sad smile. “I love her very much. But she’s been gone a long time now.”
“You were with her in college,” Dora comments. When Sam nods, she adds, “You told me before you had different goals and dreams than you do now. Looking back now, what was fulfilling about being with her?”
“She had this way of challenging me on everything,” Sam answers while he runs his fingers along the pattern in the material of the chair he’s sitting in. “We debated a lot. She had this light inside of her. She was beautiful, and I was really awkward back then. I mean, I’m a klutz now, but then I was still growing into my body, so I felt like this giant-ass ugly duckling all the time, and she liked me anyway. She was warm and safe and normal. Everything I wanted to be back then.”
“Looking back on your time with her, do you see anything differently now?”
“It’s all kind of blurry,” Sam admits before biting his lip. “But honestly, right after I lost her, she was all I could think about, and over time…I don’t know, it’s faded some. I remember more of the fights we had and the lies I told her than I remember the good times. That’s what sucked so bad about Heaven.”
“I don’t understand,” Dora comments.
“Dean was with Mom in one of his Heavens and he was comforting her because she had been fighting with Dad. I thought they had this perfect marriage and Dean tells me that’s not really how it was,” Sam sighs. “I sort of feel like that about me and Jessica, now. She was the one shining, wonderful thing in my life, and she’s on this pedestal in my head. But really, things were just okay. Real life isn’t like that. I don’t like thinking that this one thing I really feel good about is sort of untrue.”
“It’s easier to love people when they can’t let you down.”
“Something like that,” Sam huffs before shrugging. “That’s pretty much it. Other than soulless-me apparently really liked hippies and prostitutes--which I do not want to go there right now. I’m still waiting on some test results. It’s embarrassing.”
“What about Ruby?” Dora asks.
Sam freezes. “I’m not talking about Ruby.”
“I’m sorry, Sam,” Dora sighs. “That’s really not an option. She’s the most significant female relationship in your life. You need to talk about her.”
“She is NOT!” Sam snaps. “She was a bitch and a monster and crazy on top of that. Ruby ruined my whole fucking life, and there is no way that she’s the most important one.”
“I didn’t say important.”
“Significant,” Sam corrects. “Whatever.”
He waits a long moment before opening his eyes and pleading, “I can’t do this. Please don’t ask me to do this.”
“It’s time to let it go, Sam.”
He listens to the clock tick and wonders how time never seems to run out in these sessions.
He finally speaks up. “Ruby found every single dirty little thing about me that I hate and grabbed and tugged. She used them to twist me into something I never wanted to be. Then she made it feel like it was all my idea. I hate her for it.”
“And?”
Sam bites his lip so hard he tastes blood. “And I miss her, sometimes. There was never anything about me that Ruby rejected. When I was with her, as sick as it sounds, I felt like I could do anything, and I was strong and wanted. I mean, I know it was all a manipulation, but there was a moment there where I think she might have loved me.”
“And you wanted to be loved,” Dora comments.
“I wanted to be loved, and I wanted to hurt,” Sam says as he stares at the ceiling. “And Ruby gave me all the hurt I could ever ask for, and had me begging for more.”
*****
Dean’s cooking dinner when Sam appears in the doorway red eyed and shaken. “Rough day?”
Sam looks at his brother for a second before blurting, “My most significant romantic relationship is with a demon. My day has been peachy.”
“Oh,” Dean says softly as he stirs the chili.
“That’s it?” Sam asks. “Oh? That’s all you got?”
“Did you want me to yell at you?” Dean asks. “I mean, I could, but what fucking good would it do?”
Sam slumps against the wall across from where Dean is standing. “I’m apparently a very nice, selfish, emotionally immature dickhead who assumes that everyone in my life hates me as much as I hate myself, even when they don’t.”
“Oh wow,” Dean huffs. “Are you sure you weren’t just watching a tape of my last session? Because damn, that’s pretty close. Except instead of shoving my internal feelings onto others, I hesitate to become connected to anyone.”
They share a glance out of the corners of their eyes and start to chuckle. “Oh my God,” Sam snorts. “She ate us both up and spit us out this week.”
“I’m telling you, Sammy,” Dean chokes out. “Out of everything we ever faced fighting monsters, our therapist scares me more!”
“No kidding,” Sam agrees. “I almost swallowed my tongue.”
“Christ,” Dean sighs as he stirs the pot again. “What a mess.”
Sam stares at the back of his brother’s head for a long time until he finally works up the nerve to say, “Dean, I know we aren’t at the point of hugging and little hearts and flowers yet, but do you think you might be able to tell me you don’t hate me? I think I need to hear it just this once.”
Dean doesn’t turn around and Sam’s grateful for it. He’s not sure he could do this face-to-face. “I don’t hate you, Sammy,” Dean says clearly to the pot of simmering chili. “Not at all.”
Session 9
“You want us to use a buzzer?” Sam asks. “How is that going to help?”
“Not all the time,” Dora explains. “It’s not for use when you are irritating each other or fighting. The purpose of the buzzer is for each of you to be able to clearly identify to the other that they are hitting on a hot spot.”
“Hot spot?” Dean asks.
“Something you aren’t comfortable discussing,” Dora replies. “You would hit the button if Sam brings up something that is a sensitive issue for you and he would do that same. It’s a way for you both to start becoming more aware of the things going on in your relationship that you avoid talking about.”
“Okay,” Sam says. “So one of us hits the button, and then what? Do we change the subject, or do we have to talk about why we hit the buzzer?”
“Once you hit the buzzer, you use the cards I gave you to discuss why you felt the need to bring attention to the issue.”
Dean holds up the index card and looks at it with disbelief. “So, we say this just like it’s written?”
“Yes.”
“This is fucking stupid,” Dean announces as he flops back against the back of the chair. “I can’t believe you want me to do this.”
“What bothers you so much about this?” Dora asks.
“I don’t say shit like this!” Dean says as he waves the card around. “And I sure as hell don’t hit a buzzer to announce to everyone in the world what hurts my itty-bitty feelings.”
“Not to everyone,” Dora says with a sigh, “just Sam. No one else will know what is going on unless you tell them.”
“I’ve got to agree with Dean, here,” Sam says as he holds up the tiny buzzer. “I mean, this is sort of outside of our comfort zone.”
“That’s the point,” Dora explains. “You’re comfortable being dysfunctional, and we have to do something to break that up so you two have a chance to work on your communication. It’s not just about being able to navigate a hunt. It’s about knowing yourself and each other well enough that you can start rebuilding trust. This is a new beginning for you. It’s going to feel strange and seem stupid, but it’s up to you make this a priority. If you don’t, then you won’t make any progress. It’s a simple task.”
*****
Richmond - They’re tracking a werewolf. Dean’s been irritable all day, and Sam’s working his last nerve with his self-assured attitude it’s not a werewolf at all because it’s really a black dog. Dean snaps out, “Great, then you won’t cry when you shoot it like your girlfriend, Madison.”
Sam hits the buzzer, they pull over. He pulls out his index card and Dean groans and covers his eyes.
“I feel angry when you bring up Madison. What I need from you is to keep your fucking mouth shut.” Sam grinds out through clenched teeth.
Dean grins sarcastically as he makes a movement like he’s zipping his lips shut before putting the car back on the road.
Lynchburg - A haunted house from the Civil War era ends up involving a woman that clearly thinks Dean is hot. Sam’s still pissed from the werewolf comment yesterday, so as he and Dean leave he leans down and says conversationally, “She reminds me a lot of Lisa.”
Dean slams the door to the motel and hits the buzzer. Sam drops his suitcase and opens his arms as he waits for Dean to get out the index card.
“I feel pissed off,” Dean snaps, “when you bring up Lisa. What I need from you is to fuck off.”
Sam picks his bag back up and walks out to the car without another word.
Fredericksburg - By the end of the first day there, Dean can’t even remember why they came in the first place. He’s hit the buzzer three times on the drive over because Sam’s being a dick, and once he got pissed off about it, Sam started hitting the buzzer on him. Dean lost count around the fourth time Sam told him off.
They end up getting kicked out of their first hotel for a noise violation that started after Sam pulled out the index card and Dean stuck his fingers in his own ears and started yelling “LALALALALALALALALALLA,” so he didn’t have to listen anymore.
They end up a few streets over after a drive full of strained silence. They close the door to their room and Sam blurts, “We need to call Dora.”
“Awesome,” Dean agrees because he’s never been more sure he’s going to kill his brother than he is right now.
She picks up on the third ring and says, “You are both a day away from being fired.”
“Fired?” Sam asks.
“Yes,” she snaps. “I’m starting to think that your level of dysfunction is too ingrained to be helped. I’m willing to give you both one more chance, but if you can’t pull yourselves together, I’m going to terminate our professional relationship. I can’t work like this. You take one step forward and six steps back, and then you turn and rip each other to shreds. Separately, I think you are salvageable and could be functional, well-rounded men. But together, it might be time to consider moving on.”
“We are not breaking up the team,” Dean shouts.
“I’m willing to refer you to a college of mine for continued help, but unless you boys can make this exercise work out, I will have to terminate services. I can’t take anymore of this.” Dora doesn’t even say goodbye when she hangs up, and Dean and Sam spend a long time sitting at the tiny table in their hotel room looking at Dean’s cell phone.
“Are we really that bad?” Dean finally asks.
“I guess so,” Sam swipes his hand over his face. “Dean, we got to make this work. I don’t want to live like this, and I sure as hell don’t want to stop being your brother.”
“Alright,” Dean sighs. “Let’s start over.”
*****
Lewisburg - Sam hits the buzzer halfway through dinner. Dean’s lost. He puts his cheeseburger down and wipes his mouth on a napkin before he leans back from the table and says, “Okay, hit me.”
Sam rolls his eyes and scratches the side of his face. “I feel…hurt, I guess, when you ignore me when I’m talking, and what I need from you is to listen?”
It’s hesitant and Sam has his stinky face on, which means he’s not sure how he feels about it, either. There’s a large part of Dean that wants to flare up and snap and deflect the issue back onto Sam so he can eat his food in peace. But he said he was going to give this a fair shake, so he chokes it back. “Were you talking?”
“Yeah,” Sam nods. “I was telling you about the research on this mansion and what kind of spirit might be in there, and you said ‘man this burger is the bomb.’”
“Oh,” Dean considers his next choice of action carefully before swallowing his pride and muttering, “Sorry?”
Sam blinks. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Dean shrugs. “I mean, I wasn’t trying to ignore you. I was just thinking about something else, so if I hurt your feelings, then, I’m sorry. It wasn’t on purpose.”
“Okay then,” Sam nods. “Great.”
He goes back to drinking his milkshake, and Dean gets to finish his dinner without a big fight.
It’s kind of…nice really.
*****
Cas looks frazzled, torn up, and run down when he shows up in their motel room two days later. Dean and Sam have been working on an uncomfortable truce for a couple of days now. They’ve had to buzz in a couple of times a day a piece, but the stuff they are catching each other on is more internal stuff than them purposefully trying to hurt each other. Sam’s learned a lot about what makes Dean tick in the past week, and he’s been surprised that Dean will hit the buzzer faster if Sam is insulting himself than if Sam’s insulting Dean. He’s found out that Dean second-guesses a lot of the choices he makes, and there’s a part of Dean that just really wants someone to tell him he’s doing a good job.
More and more of that real person Sam’s been glimpsing since therapy started is leaking through all the time, and Sam likes this guy he’s finding under the layers of bullshit that Dean shows the world.
Which might explain why Sam puffs up like a jealous girlfriend the second Dean leaps to his feet and asks, “Cas? Are you okay?”
“I am fine,” Cas answers. “Thank you for asking.”
Sam rolls his eyes and turns on his computer.
“You were asking for help with your case?” Cas asks as he steps around the table and further into the room.
“It would be nice,” Dean comments. “But only if you have the time.”
Sam catches himself making little mocking noises behind the laptop screen about the same time Dean does.
“You got a problem, Sam?” Dean asks.
“Nope,” Sam snaps. “Just enjoy the time with your girlfriend and forget about me.”
Dean hits the buzzer the same time Cas says, “Dean is not a female.”
“Confused, Cas?” Sam huffs. “Why don’t you ask the Pizza Man about it.”
Dean hits the buzzer again and holds it down for longer this time. “Shut up, Sammy.”
Sam hits the buzzer back. “Don’t tell me what to do, Dean.”
“Dick,” Dean snaps.
“Ass,” Sam shoots back.
“I can come back at a more appropriate time,” Cas offers as he moves his gaze back and forth between them both.
“Shut up, Cas,” Sam orders.
Dean hits the buzzer and just holds it down this time. “Ignore Sam, Cas, he’s being a pissy little girl.”
Sam puts his buzzer right in Dean’s face and holds it down. “Don’t call me a girl, Dean.”
“Fuck you, Sam,” Dean barks.
“Fuck yourself, Dean,” Sam shouts over the horrible noise of both the buzzers going off together.
He’s not really sure what happens next, too caught up in being angry and jealous and defiant in the face of his brother and his angel buddy. Sam hasn’t spent as much time with Cas as Dean has. He forgets sometimes that the angel isn’t emotionless under that façade of non-reactivity.
Both their buzzers explode at the same time. Dean and Sam jump apart and hold their stinging hands tight to their chests as they wheel around looking for an attack and find themselves faced with an angel so angry his face is red and his ears are pink.
“WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” Cas yells so loud the walls shake. “You make no sense. You lie to each other all the time, and you lie to me, and you call me your friend but you treat me badly, then you say you’re sorry, but don’t want to talk about it, and now Sam is more bothered by my presence than ever. I do NOT have time for this foolishness. You’re idiots, and I have my own problems to deal with. Now tell me what you need from me, and stop acting like lesser life forms!”
The last words are shouted as Cas slams his hands down on the table and sends it crashing to the floor in pieces.
Silence echoes around the room.
“Cas,” Dean says softly from where he and Sam are huddled on the other side of the room in the corner next the bathroom, as far away from the table and Cas as they can possibly get without actually going into the bathroom together. “I’m going to give you a number to this lady Sam and I are seeing. I think you should go talk to her.”
Part 5