Guilt Trip - AoiXKai - 5/?
Title: Guilt Trip
Bands: Gazette
Chapters: 5/?
Author: himrahid
Genre: Drama, romance ... something like that
Ratings: R
Pairings/Characters: AoiXKai; KaiXAoi; RukiXKai
Synopsis: Aoi and Kai are happy together but one day Aoi suddenly changes - not for the better.
Disclaimer: Usual standard one applies. x_x
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
For a moment I was shocked, then I felt relief washing over me.
So many problems seemed to have solved themselves in just one moment: nothing was wrong with Megumi, Uruha would finally have the stable relationship he deserved and Reita could stop hoping and find someone who loved him back in more than a friendly way.
That was what I thought .
Stupid Kai.
That wasn’t what really happened, of course.
Uruha looked at her, his eyes widening in surprise and maybe also shock, then he took a step towards Megumi to hug her, but instead of being happy with him she stepped back, biting her bottom lip nervously.
“Perhaps ... we should all go and see the counselor together. You and Aoi and ... Kai.“
As much as I love chess for its cool, strict logic, its world of black and white, I didn’t see the connection between Uruha, Aoi and me in this.
Not yet anyway and not even the doctor’s sympathetic glance tipped me off. Ruki and Reita looked at me, asking for an explanation with their eyes, but I had nothing to offer here, I was at a loss just as much as they were.
Aoi was shuffling his feet nervously, playing with his piercing. I knew that gesture too well to not think about it. Aoi knew what was going on here, he was involved and somehow I was too, just that I didn’t really know how .
Okay, so Megumi was pregnant. How nice for her and Uruha, but what did Aoi and I have to do with it? Were we going to be asked to be godfathers or something? But Uruha wasn’t Christian ... was Megumi? Why would we need a counselor to talk about this?
I wasn’t making much sense, not even to myself.
I followed the doctor, Megumi and my bandmates to a small room, the walls painted yellow. A woman, who had been writing something down before our arrival, looked up with a smile.
“Oh, it’s you. I’ve been waiting for you.“
So even this middle-aged stranger knew what was going on, but Uruha seemed to be as confused as I was, a fact that comforted me more than it should have.
We all sat down in a half circle, Aoi to the left, Uruha beside him, then Megumi and then me.
I felt very lonely at the end of this circle, very confused and not at all happy with the situation. I didn’t want to be here, I had the feeling I was going to hear things I never wanted to hear and that I was going to hurt like I had never hurt before, but I couldn’t escape so I just sat there waiting for whatever was to come.
“My name is Tomoko Tsuda,“ the counselor began. “It’s common practice to use first names in these kinds of sessions. Is that okay with everyone?“
Aoi, Megumi and I murmured a ‘yes‘ while Uruha only stared at his girlfriend, seemingly unable to speak.
Finally he managed to choke out the question I was asking myself.
“Why are we here?“
Tomoko Tsuda looked at me and I read the same silent compassion in her glance that I had seen with the doctor before.
“Uruha,“ Megumi began and I disliked her for using his stage name in such a situation. “We’re here because ... God ...“ She let out a sob and looked down at her pale hands, which had done wonders to my hair and complexion so many times before.
“Megumi-chan, don’t cry. Please. It’s going to be all right,“ Uruha tried to comfort her. “Whatever it is, please just tell me. Yes?“
I was beginning to understand. Slowly I was beginning to make sense of all of this and I felt sorry for Uruha. Much more than for myself even. Myself was something that didn’t involve me at all at the moment, it was a distant memory of a man I had been or could have been. It wasn’t the one sitting here at the moment.
“The baby,“ Megumi whimpered, “is Aoi’s.“
Ruki was running his soothing fingers over my back and hair, rocking me back and forth in a constant rhythm he was making up as we went along. I wasn’t crying or anything. I just felt empty.
It would take quite some time for me to understand all of this, to fully take it in and choke on the pain I would probably feel, but not right now. Right now all that really mattered was that Ruki was there to hold me and whisper sweet words of comfort for me to hear or not to hear, just as I pleased.
I didn’t love Ruki.
But he was there.
I’m pretty sure that Reita was doing the same for Uruha at that time, but while all of this was happening I didn’t care about them at all. I couldn’t feel anything at all, no anger, no sadness, no hate either.
I couldn’t remember how I had gone from the hospital to Ruki’s apartment, but somehow I had and here I was now and here I had to deal with what life had thrown at me.
“A baby,“ I whispered. “Now we know why he didn’t want me anymore.“
Ruki pulled back to look at me, brushing loose strands of hair out of my face. “Kai, listen to me. I love you. I’ve told you I do, but I‘d feel like I’m betraying you if I didn’t tell you exactly what I think.
She’s two months along, isn’t she?
Uruha and Megumi have been dating for three months now and they were all over each other the entire time while your problems with Aoi started only two weeks ago. Do you see what I mean? Something isn’t adding up here. You both had happy, stable relationships ... Uruha and Megumi still would have one if this hadn’t happened. Something isn’t right. There’s more to it than just sex. That’s what I’m telling you.“
Ruki was making sense, perfect sense even, but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the moment and so I blocked it all out, allowing myself, my mind and body, to go to rest.
Someone must have informed our manager of our problems since he was the first thing I saw the next morning, sitting in front of Ruki’s bed in all of his chubby glory, flipping through a magazine.
“Morning,“ I mumbled, not quite feeling up for a talk about schedules or recording or anything like this.
“Good morning,“ he replied seriously, which was out of character for him to be, but I could guess why that was so. “To make things short: I know what’s going on. Aoi has called me to inform me of everything I need to know. I don’t mean to sound harsh, Kai. I can imagine what you’re going through, but two weeks are all I can give you guys to sort yourselves out. At any rate, there’s still a photo shooting you all have to attend to.
It’ll be tomorrow and I expect all of you to give your best.
I’ll see you in two weeks then when we’re going to record your new singles.“
With that he got up and walked out of the door and out of my life it seemed. Managers, recording, photo shoots, what did all of these things matter right now?
Maybe it was selfish of myself to think about things in such a way, but I really didn’t care much about anything but my personal tragedy at the moment.
It was now all coming to me.
Baby ...
Aoi and Megumi. Megumi and Aoi.
It sounded nice.
Aoi and Kai. Kai and Aoi.
Were those already whispers of a past which had seemed like a never ending present such a short time ago?
I grabbed one of the many pillows Ruki likes keeping in his bed and started to tear, to rip until there wasn’t much left of the pillow, until it was bleeding its feathers for me.
I pressed whatever was left of it against my face, crying and sobbing like I was a child once again, but no one came to soothe me, to tame me, to tell me I was a big boy.
I could sense Ruki’s presence, but he didn’t try to comfort me and that I was more than grateful for.
Broken hearts and sex don’t go together very well, Ruki and I learned about that this night in an all too painful way. It was the first and only time he allowed me to take him and I was hurting him back then far more than I had ever been hurt or had ever hurt anyone before or since.
He wasn’t complaining, he wasn’t crying and when I was done he just hugged me again, giving me all the warmth and comfort he had to offer. I hated myself for not being able to love him the way he deserved to be loved, for not just opening myself up to him and letting him take whatever there was to take.
Things rarely work out the way we plan them and this thing between Ruki and me didn’t either. It broke that night, but it wasn’t yet time to part. Not yet ...
For now we were together and for now that was all that really mattered.
Bands: Gazette
Chapters: 5/?
Author: himrahid
Genre: Drama, romance ... something like that
Ratings: R
Pairings/Characters: AoiXKai; KaiXAoi; RukiXKai
Synopsis: Aoi and Kai are happy together but one day Aoi suddenly changes - not for the better.
Disclaimer: Usual standard one applies. x_x
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
For a moment I was shocked, then I felt relief washing over me.
So many problems seemed to have solved themselves in just one moment: nothing was wrong with Megumi, Uruha would finally have the stable relationship he deserved and Reita could stop hoping and find someone who loved him back in more than a friendly way.
That was what I thought .
Stupid Kai.
That wasn’t what really happened, of course.
Uruha looked at her, his eyes widening in surprise and maybe also shock, then he took a step towards Megumi to hug her, but instead of being happy with him she stepped back, biting her bottom lip nervously.
“Perhaps ... we should all go and see the counselor together. You and Aoi and ... Kai.“
As much as I love chess for its cool, strict logic, its world of black and white, I didn’t see the connection between Uruha, Aoi and me in this.
Not yet anyway and not even the doctor’s sympathetic glance tipped me off. Ruki and Reita looked at me, asking for an explanation with their eyes, but I had nothing to offer here, I was at a loss just as much as they were.
Aoi was shuffling his feet nervously, playing with his piercing. I knew that gesture too well to not think about it. Aoi knew what was going on here, he was involved and somehow I was too, just that I didn’t really know how .
Okay, so Megumi was pregnant. How nice for her and Uruha, but what did Aoi and I have to do with it? Were we going to be asked to be godfathers or something? But Uruha wasn’t Christian ... was Megumi? Why would we need a counselor to talk about this?
I wasn’t making much sense, not even to myself.
I followed the doctor, Megumi and my bandmates to a small room, the walls painted yellow. A woman, who had been writing something down before our arrival, looked up with a smile.
“Oh, it’s you. I’ve been waiting for you.“
So even this middle-aged stranger knew what was going on, but Uruha seemed to be as confused as I was, a fact that comforted me more than it should have.
We all sat down in a half circle, Aoi to the left, Uruha beside him, then Megumi and then me.
I felt very lonely at the end of this circle, very confused and not at all happy with the situation. I didn’t want to be here, I had the feeling I was going to hear things I never wanted to hear and that I was going to hurt like I had never hurt before, but I couldn’t escape so I just sat there waiting for whatever was to come.
“My name is Tomoko Tsuda,“ the counselor began. “It’s common practice to use first names in these kinds of sessions. Is that okay with everyone?“
Aoi, Megumi and I murmured a ‘yes‘ while Uruha only stared at his girlfriend, seemingly unable to speak.
Finally he managed to choke out the question I was asking myself.
“Why are we here?“
Tomoko Tsuda looked at me and I read the same silent compassion in her glance that I had seen with the doctor before.
“Uruha,“ Megumi began and I disliked her for using his stage name in such a situation. “We’re here because ... God ...“ She let out a sob and looked down at her pale hands, which had done wonders to my hair and complexion so many times before.
“Megumi-chan, don’t cry. Please. It’s going to be all right,“ Uruha tried to comfort her. “Whatever it is, please just tell me. Yes?“
I was beginning to understand. Slowly I was beginning to make sense of all of this and I felt sorry for Uruha. Much more than for myself even. Myself was something that didn’t involve me at all at the moment, it was a distant memory of a man I had been or could have been. It wasn’t the one sitting here at the moment.
“The baby,“ Megumi whimpered, “is Aoi’s.“
Ruki was running his soothing fingers over my back and hair, rocking me back and forth in a constant rhythm he was making up as we went along. I wasn’t crying or anything. I just felt empty.
It would take quite some time for me to understand all of this, to fully take it in and choke on the pain I would probably feel, but not right now. Right now all that really mattered was that Ruki was there to hold me and whisper sweet words of comfort for me to hear or not to hear, just as I pleased.
I didn’t love Ruki.
But he was there.
I’m pretty sure that Reita was doing the same for Uruha at that time, but while all of this was happening I didn’t care about them at all. I couldn’t feel anything at all, no anger, no sadness, no hate either.
I couldn’t remember how I had gone from the hospital to Ruki’s apartment, but somehow I had and here I was now and here I had to deal with what life had thrown at me.
“A baby,“ I whispered. “Now we know why he didn’t want me anymore.“
Ruki pulled back to look at me, brushing loose strands of hair out of my face. “Kai, listen to me. I love you. I’ve told you I do, but I‘d feel like I’m betraying you if I didn’t tell you exactly what I think.
She’s two months along, isn’t she?
Uruha and Megumi have been dating for three months now and they were all over each other the entire time while your problems with Aoi started only two weeks ago. Do you see what I mean? Something isn’t adding up here. You both had happy, stable relationships ... Uruha and Megumi still would have one if this hadn’t happened. Something isn’t right. There’s more to it than just sex. That’s what I’m telling you.“
Ruki was making sense, perfect sense even, but that wasn’t what I wanted to hear at the moment and so I blocked it all out, allowing myself, my mind and body, to go to rest.
Someone must have informed our manager of our problems since he was the first thing I saw the next morning, sitting in front of Ruki’s bed in all of his chubby glory, flipping through a magazine.
“Morning,“ I mumbled, not quite feeling up for a talk about schedules or recording or anything like this.
“Good morning,“ he replied seriously, which was out of character for him to be, but I could guess why that was so. “To make things short: I know what’s going on. Aoi has called me to inform me of everything I need to know. I don’t mean to sound harsh, Kai. I can imagine what you’re going through, but two weeks are all I can give you guys to sort yourselves out. At any rate, there’s still a photo shooting you all have to attend to.
It’ll be tomorrow and I expect all of you to give your best.
I’ll see you in two weeks then when we’re going to record your new singles.“
With that he got up and walked out of the door and out of my life it seemed. Managers, recording, photo shoots, what did all of these things matter right now?
Maybe it was selfish of myself to think about things in such a way, but I really didn’t care much about anything but my personal tragedy at the moment.
It was now all coming to me.
Baby ...
Aoi and Megumi. Megumi and Aoi.
It sounded nice.
Aoi and Kai. Kai and Aoi.
Were those already whispers of a past which had seemed like a never ending present such a short time ago?
I grabbed one of the many pillows Ruki likes keeping in his bed and started to tear, to rip until there wasn’t much left of the pillow, until it was bleeding its feathers for me.
I pressed whatever was left of it against my face, crying and sobbing like I was a child once again, but no one came to soothe me, to tame me, to tell me I was a big boy.
I could sense Ruki’s presence, but he didn’t try to comfort me and that I was more than grateful for.
Broken hearts and sex don’t go together very well, Ruki and I learned about that this night in an all too painful way. It was the first and only time he allowed me to take him and I was hurting him back then far more than I had ever been hurt or had ever hurt anyone before or since.
He wasn’t complaining, he wasn’t crying and when I was done he just hugged me again, giving me all the warmth and comfort he had to offer. I hated myself for not being able to love him the way he deserved to be loved, for not just opening myself up to him and letting him take whatever there was to take.
Things rarely work out the way we plan them and this thing between Ruki and me didn’t either. It broke that night, but it wasn’t yet time to part. Not yet ...
For now we were together and for now that was all that really mattered.