Guilt Trip - AoiXKai - 2/6
Title: Guilt Trip
Bands: Gazette
Chapters: 2/6
Author: himrahid
Genre: Drama, romance ... something like that
Ratings: R
Pairings/Characters: AoiXKai; KaiXAoi; RukiXKai
Synopsis: Aoi and Kai are happy together but one day Aoi suddenly changes - not for the better.
Disclaimer: Usual standard one applies. x_x
A/N: A little fast paced, but now that we have all those things behind us we can get to the core of the story. Yaaay.
Chapter 1
“But what did he mean by that?“ Ruki asked, waving around his King - I had once again won a game against him.
What did Aoi mean by that ...? That was a really good question and one that I couldn’t answer. My hand was now skillfully bandaged and the bleeding had apparently stopped but I didn’t feel much better.
“That he doesn’t want to be with me anymore,“ I answered, finally uttering what had been bothering for the whole evening.
Ruki looked at me, frowning, and shook his head as though he couldn’t believe what I had just said. “But he loves you ... I know that he does. He’s so annoying about it too. Why would he just stop loving you all of a sudden?“
I really wished Ruki would just quit asking me these questions I had no real answer to. I couldn’t tell what was going on inside of Aoi and maybe I didn’t want to know anyway, maybe I just wanted to forget about what he had said and done for a moment.
“Well ... what are you gonna do?“
Another one of those questions ... great.
“I have no idea,“ I replied honestly. “If he doesn’t want to I won’t see him for the next two weeks so ...“
That was due to the fact that we actually got two weeks off for the first time in ... a long time. Aoi and I had made plans to go on some short vacation together but that was out of question now. Obviously.
“I was planning on going to the seaside. You can come along if you wanna,“ Ruki finally said, his voice seemingly casual but I knew that he wanted me to come.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to say ‘no‘ to him. I was hurt, scared, confused and anything in between these feelings, I simply couldn’t be on my own, facing the silence in my apartment. Sure, I could’ve gone to my parents, but that wasn’t the same. They wouldn’t understand and they wouldn’t ask, not them with their firm belief that personal feelings are better left alone.
But I couldn’t be alone.
“Sure ... when are we going?“
I was rewarded by a bright smile, which I had expected, but it still warmed my heart to see it, to see Ruki giving his emotions away so freely when he felt unwatched and safe. “Tomorrow!“
The chess game was sitting on the small table between us and we had even started to play but gotten to distracted by the waves lapping at the sand, a simple sight we both must have missed without even knowing it. In this glamour world we were constantly moving in nature didn’t play much of a role or it did, but only in the sense of the wind or the rain ruining our perfectly styled hair and carefully applied make-up, which meant that we had to avoid those things at all costs.
But it was so good for the soul to be out here, just sitting under the dark night sky with countless stars to watch and be watched by them in return.
“This is beautiful,“ I finally whispered, breaking our not exactly awkward silence, but I still felt the need to speak and if only for the sake of hearing my own voice and reminding myself that it was still there, even though I felt so small all of a sudden.
“Isn’t it?“ Ruki chuckled and stretched in his usual feline way that I had always admired him for. “We should do this kind of thing more often. Maybe a new PV at the beach or something.“
I smiled at the memory; what the PV had not shown was how we had all played in the sand afterwards, building our dream castles together.
That night I slept surprisingly well even though we had to share a bed since Ruki had only booked a single room, believing he would be here alone.
Maybe it was just my inability to be on my own.
I’m almost scared of having to spend time alone sometimes because I hardly ever know what to do with myself to a point where it feels like I’m going to choke. I need other people around me to truly come to life, to feel that I’m there , that I exist.
I was sure that Ruki was asleep when I sat up; I wanted to get out of bed and go over to the window to look at the beach for a moment, but the firm grip of his delicate fingers held me back. “Where are you going, Kai-chan?“
He hardly ever called me anything like this and I probably should have known that this endearment that was such a completely out of character thing for Ruki to say would lead up to something equally out of character, but I just didn’t think much of it at that moment.
“I ... wanted to get up for a moment.“
“It’s past three.“
I would have laughed at Ruki’s obsession with keeping facts and things straight and neat if his tone of voice hadn’t been this ... erotic? His next statement didn’t do much to convince me that I had only imagined that.
“Come back to bed, Kai-chan.“
Everything, and I really mean everything, about this statement was what it shouldn’t have been: it was erotic, demanding, needy and definitely not meant in a friendly way. When had we crossed the borders of friendship and gone to this ?
I gasped when he squeezed my hand -the bad one- a little, but he didn’t seem to care much about it.
“Does that hurt? I can imagine it does. But it can’t hurt much more than what I’ve been feeling all of this time ... when you came to me to play chess. Chess of all things! God, I hate that game.“
And suddenly many, many things got clear, kind of like someone had unveiled my eyes for a truth I wasn’t quite ready to accept but at the same time one I could no longer deny.
Ruki was in love with me.
All the times he had asked me to play chess with him, all the times he had listened to me talking about Aoi’s and my relationship, all the times I had practically fangirled over my -former?- lover I must have hurt Ruki like I had rammed a dagger through his heart.
Could I even begin to compare my own pain of losing Aoi to what he must have been feeling? My own distress seemed so trivial compared to Ruki’s all of a sudden and I found myself dumbstruck, but still feeling that I had to say something, anything to at least acknowledge his words and feelings.
“Ru ... ki. I ...“
I was at a loss for words; I, Kai, the man who could solve any problem, didn’t know what to do or say and that was something I could never get used to, this feeling of being completely and utterly helpless.
“You couldn’t know,“ he said softly. “You couldn’t know and it doesn’t matter. I know you don’t love me, Kai, and you never will. He’s in your heart all the time and there’s not much room for other people in it. Sure, you smile for us, you give us advise when we need it, but deep down in your heart you’d give up on us in the blink of an eye if it was for him.“
The position I was currently in, half bent over Ruki and half out of the bed, was getting uncomfortable but I was way too shocked to even think of moving, not when I had to go through this kind of realisation, not when I had to realise that one of my best friends who I had thought of as being perfectly straight turned out in live with me and not when I had to realise that he was right about what he had accused me of being capable of.
I had never really thought about it, but Aoi really was the only thing on my mind and the only thing that mattered, the only person I could make myself have any kind of feeling for.
Ruki obviously misinterpreted my silence and nodded to himself, confirming something he must have thought all along. “I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but ... let’s forget about it, Kai. Let’s just forget about everything I have said. We can do that, right? It was just a moment of insanity ... let’s not think about it anymore.“
Right ... there are times for desperate measures, times when you completely forget about what is right and just do what is easy. This was my turn then.
“You’ve said it yourself, Ruki. I don’t love you. Not in that way. But ... I would like to ...“ With every word I was getting closer to him, drawn by an invisible force that seemed to know only one goal, only one destination. “... try.“
Our lips met in a kiss of desperation, hunger and need combined with a passion that my relationship of Aoi had been lacking lately.
There’s a point in every relationship where you know each other all too well, know about the other person’s likes and dislikes well enough to lose that feeling of excitement every new relationship comes with and you can move on to tenderness, a feeling void of all needs to impress the other, to make sure you don’t embarrass yourself.
Part of me knew that what I was doing was wrong, that I was doing it for the wrong reasons to be exact.
I didn’t want to be alone and somehow I wanted to get back at Aoi for what he had done to me and yet ... yet I wanted it too, I wanted Ruki to be the one to push me onto my stomach, to whisper obscenities into my ear.
I wanted to be bottom.
Dominating Ruki seemed completely out of question; he simply wasn’t the kind of person to allow this and I didn’t want it anyway. It was my job with Aoi usually and if I was going for different then I could go for really different at least.
Maybe I wanted to be the whore Ruki was telling me I was and I’m sure it were these words that made me come eventually, spilling my regret all over his hands.
Bands: Gazette
Chapters: 2/6
Author: himrahid
Genre: Drama, romance ... something like that
Ratings: R
Pairings/Characters: AoiXKai; KaiXAoi; RukiXKai
Synopsis: Aoi and Kai are happy together but one day Aoi suddenly changes - not for the better.
Disclaimer: Usual standard one applies. x_x
A/N: A little fast paced, but now that we have all those things behind us we can get to the core of the story. Yaaay.
Chapter 1
“But what did he mean by that?“ Ruki asked, waving around his King - I had once again won a game against him.
What did Aoi mean by that ...? That was a really good question and one that I couldn’t answer. My hand was now skillfully bandaged and the bleeding had apparently stopped but I didn’t feel much better.
“That he doesn’t want to be with me anymore,“ I answered, finally uttering what had been bothering for the whole evening.
Ruki looked at me, frowning, and shook his head as though he couldn’t believe what I had just said. “But he loves you ... I know that he does. He’s so annoying about it too. Why would he just stop loving you all of a sudden?“
I really wished Ruki would just quit asking me these questions I had no real answer to. I couldn’t tell what was going on inside of Aoi and maybe I didn’t want to know anyway, maybe I just wanted to forget about what he had said and done for a moment.
“Well ... what are you gonna do?“
Another one of those questions ... great.
“I have no idea,“ I replied honestly. “If he doesn’t want to I won’t see him for the next two weeks so ...“
That was due to the fact that we actually got two weeks off for the first time in ... a long time. Aoi and I had made plans to go on some short vacation together but that was out of question now. Obviously.
“I was planning on going to the seaside. You can come along if you wanna,“ Ruki finally said, his voice seemingly casual but I knew that he wanted me to come.
I knew that I wouldn’t be able to say ‘no‘ to him. I was hurt, scared, confused and anything in between these feelings, I simply couldn’t be on my own, facing the silence in my apartment. Sure, I could’ve gone to my parents, but that wasn’t the same. They wouldn’t understand and they wouldn’t ask, not them with their firm belief that personal feelings are better left alone.
But I couldn’t be alone.
“Sure ... when are we going?“
I was rewarded by a bright smile, which I had expected, but it still warmed my heart to see it, to see Ruki giving his emotions away so freely when he felt unwatched and safe. “Tomorrow!“
The chess game was sitting on the small table between us and we had even started to play but gotten to distracted by the waves lapping at the sand, a simple sight we both must have missed without even knowing it. In this glamour world we were constantly moving in nature didn’t play much of a role or it did, but only in the sense of the wind or the rain ruining our perfectly styled hair and carefully applied make-up, which meant that we had to avoid those things at all costs.
But it was so good for the soul to be out here, just sitting under the dark night sky with countless stars to watch and be watched by them in return.
“This is beautiful,“ I finally whispered, breaking our not exactly awkward silence, but I still felt the need to speak and if only for the sake of hearing my own voice and reminding myself that it was still there, even though I felt so small all of a sudden.
“Isn’t it?“ Ruki chuckled and stretched in his usual feline way that I had always admired him for. “We should do this kind of thing more often. Maybe a new PV at the beach or something.“
I smiled at the memory; what the PV had not shown was how we had all played in the sand afterwards, building our dream castles together.
That night I slept surprisingly well even though we had to share a bed since Ruki had only booked a single room, believing he would be here alone.
Maybe it was just my inability to be on my own.
I’m almost scared of having to spend time alone sometimes because I hardly ever know what to do with myself to a point where it feels like I’m going to choke. I need other people around me to truly come to life, to feel that I’m there , that I exist.
I was sure that Ruki was asleep when I sat up; I wanted to get out of bed and go over to the window to look at the beach for a moment, but the firm grip of his delicate fingers held me back. “Where are you going, Kai-chan?“
He hardly ever called me anything like this and I probably should have known that this endearment that was such a completely out of character thing for Ruki to say would lead up to something equally out of character, but I just didn’t think much of it at that moment.
“I ... wanted to get up for a moment.“
“It’s past three.“
I would have laughed at Ruki’s obsession with keeping facts and things straight and neat if his tone of voice hadn’t been this ... erotic? His next statement didn’t do much to convince me that I had only imagined that.
“Come back to bed, Kai-chan.“
Everything, and I really mean everything, about this statement was what it shouldn’t have been: it was erotic, demanding, needy and definitely not meant in a friendly way. When had we crossed the borders of friendship and gone to this ?
I gasped when he squeezed my hand -the bad one- a little, but he didn’t seem to care much about it.
“Does that hurt? I can imagine it does. But it can’t hurt much more than what I’ve been feeling all of this time ... when you came to me to play chess. Chess of all things! God, I hate that game.“
And suddenly many, many things got clear, kind of like someone had unveiled my eyes for a truth I wasn’t quite ready to accept but at the same time one I could no longer deny.
Ruki was in love with me.
All the times he had asked me to play chess with him, all the times he had listened to me talking about Aoi’s and my relationship, all the times I had practically fangirled over my -former?- lover I must have hurt Ruki like I had rammed a dagger through his heart.
Could I even begin to compare my own pain of losing Aoi to what he must have been feeling? My own distress seemed so trivial compared to Ruki’s all of a sudden and I found myself dumbstruck, but still feeling that I had to say something, anything to at least acknowledge his words and feelings.
“Ru ... ki. I ...“
I was at a loss for words; I, Kai, the man who could solve any problem, didn’t know what to do or say and that was something I could never get used to, this feeling of being completely and utterly helpless.
“You couldn’t know,“ he said softly. “You couldn’t know and it doesn’t matter. I know you don’t love me, Kai, and you never will. He’s in your heart all the time and there’s not much room for other people in it. Sure, you smile for us, you give us advise when we need it, but deep down in your heart you’d give up on us in the blink of an eye if it was for him.“
The position I was currently in, half bent over Ruki and half out of the bed, was getting uncomfortable but I was way too shocked to even think of moving, not when I had to go through this kind of realisation, not when I had to realise that one of my best friends who I had thought of as being perfectly straight turned out in live with me and not when I had to realise that he was right about what he had accused me of being capable of.
I had never really thought about it, but Aoi really was the only thing on my mind and the only thing that mattered, the only person I could make myself have any kind of feeling for.
Ruki obviously misinterpreted my silence and nodded to himself, confirming something he must have thought all along. “I can’t say it doesn’t hurt, but ... let’s forget about it, Kai. Let’s just forget about everything I have said. We can do that, right? It was just a moment of insanity ... let’s not think about it anymore.“
Right ... there are times for desperate measures, times when you completely forget about what is right and just do what is easy. This was my turn then.
“You’ve said it yourself, Ruki. I don’t love you. Not in that way. But ... I would like to ...“ With every word I was getting closer to him, drawn by an invisible force that seemed to know only one goal, only one destination. “... try.“
Our lips met in a kiss of desperation, hunger and need combined with a passion that my relationship of Aoi had been lacking lately.
There’s a point in every relationship where you know each other all too well, know about the other person’s likes and dislikes well enough to lose that feeling of excitement every new relationship comes with and you can move on to tenderness, a feeling void of all needs to impress the other, to make sure you don’t embarrass yourself.
Part of me knew that what I was doing was wrong, that I was doing it for the wrong reasons to be exact.
I didn’t want to be alone and somehow I wanted to get back at Aoi for what he had done to me and yet ... yet I wanted it too, I wanted Ruki to be the one to push me onto my stomach, to whisper obscenities into my ear.
I wanted to be bottom.
Dominating Ruki seemed completely out of question; he simply wasn’t the kind of person to allow this and I didn’t want it anyway. It was my job with Aoi usually and if I was going for different then I could go for really different at least.
Maybe I wanted to be the whore Ruki was telling me I was and I’m sure it were these words that made me come eventually, spilling my regret all over his hands.