[fic] Stronger Souls Than You - 1/1
James has nightmares. He doesn’t tell Kendall about them. He’s the heir to a multi-million dollar cosmetics company; he’s expected to have a certain amount of dignity. But Kendall knows. He hears him at night, murmuring to himself, tossing and turning, his face more vulnerable than it ever is when he’s awake.
Kendall will shift his sleeping bag close under the low hanging sheets that make up their fort. He’ll run his hands through James’s hair, soft and citrus smelling like a girl’s. He’ll lean close to James’s ear and whisper, “It’s okay. It will be okay. When I count to three, you’ll only have good dreams.”
He’ll brush his mouth close to James’s ear so that his mom won’t hear, won’t come and yell at him for staying up so long after lights out. He’ll thread his tiny arm around James’s neck; hold him close like he does with Katie, even though she’s only two.
“One,” he’ll count, his voice and James’s breath the only sound he can hear.
“Two.”
James will turn into him, snuggle close, like a teddy bear. He’s warm, always so much warmer than Kendall ever feels in the middle of winter.
His nightmares always stop before Kendall reaches three.
---
Kendall has stage fright. Nothing has ever scared him before, but his first time stepping out on the ice in front of what has to be at least fifty people terrifies him.
Hockey was a terrible idea.
He tells that to James, who doesn’t really get it.
“You love hockey.”
“When there’s no one watching!”
“But- you’re good. Why do you care who sees?”
“What if I mess up?”
“You won’t.”
“But what if I do?”
“You won’t. I’ll be right behind you. Now come on, we’ve got to go.”
“James, I-“
“On the count of three. One. Two!”
Kendall stumbles out onto the ice, nearly falling over himself. But James is there, holding his elbows, pushing him forwards. Pushing him to be great.
---
In the summer, they go to the lake and throw themselves beneath the surface. They swing from a rope tied precariously to a tree branch, cannonballs of color and laughter. Carlos always goes first because Carlos is the most impatient, and then Logan because he’s always got to make sure that Carlos doesn’t do something stupid, like go too deep and pop an eardrum. Or drown.
Kendall and James always go at the same time, because it’s a contest to see who goes out the farthest. There’s no way to tell if either of them are cheating if they have time to paddle out further during the second swing. So they hold onto the rope, hands climbing over each other, gazes challenging.
“We’ll go on three,” Kendall says, a smile stretching his face so wide he feels like it might split in two.
James nods, an answering grin quirking his lips. “One.”
“Two.”
Splash.
---
The first time they kiss, it’s on a dare, tequila like fire in their throat. Jenny Tinkler is watching with dancing eyes. She claps her hands and says, “Okay guys. Ready? One, two-“
---
California is sunshine and palm trees and sea salt and a thousand different things conspiring to tear them apart. But no matter how many times they fight during the day over a pretty girl or the best lounge chair or who gets the pink smoothie, they always come back together in the studio.
The first time they step on stage, it’s just like the hockey rink, back when they were ten. Kendall can’t force himself to go forwards, can’t breathe, can’t find his voice. He feels James’s hands behind him, a gentle push.
“You can do this,” he says, nipping at Kendall’s ear.
“On three?” Kendall asks. He feels the curve of James’s smile against his neck.
“One. Two-“
---
They have sex for the first time in a hotel room in a European city that James isn’t sure how to pronounce. Logan tries to teach him at least eight times, but truth be told, he doesn’t really care what it’s called. Kendall does, though. He thinks he’ll remember this night for the rest of his life.
He’s got James hovering over him, the head of his cock halfway inside of him, and he’s still not sure if he can do this but James is soft, slow, shifting. He says, “Hold on, I think if I- shhh. One, two-“
Kendall sees stars in James’s eyes.
---
James breaks up with Kendall three days after he lands his solo recording contract. He says they’ve grown apart, that their relationship wasn’t in a good place. Kendall doesn’t believe that. He doesn’t believe this is happening, doesn’t know how to stop it. He stands in front of Rocque Records watching James walk away and he tells himself that it will be okay.
He rakes his fingers through his hair, his hair that still smells like James’s stupid girly shampoo and he thinks that it will all turn out fine. That James will change his mind and come back on the count of three.
Kendall watches James’s silhouette grow more distant, swallowed by the busy tourist traffic of downtown Los Angeles and he counts.
One.
Two.
James doesn’t turn around.
“…Three,” Kendall whispers.
---